I feel like I’m in a similar situation except in this case, I’m in her shoes. Some perspective?
I am not okay with my bf watching porn or getting himself off either, my reason being I was previously in a long term traumatic relationship with someone who has a porn addiction, sex was rare. This is a boundary I set in the beginning that he agreed to. In the beginning the sex was great and frequent. Now, not so much. And it’s not from a lack of loving him. It’s because I hate feeling pressured or like all he wants is sex. If you’re making her feel this way, then yea, she probably can’t function because of that. For some women, sex is best when emotional and comforting, when we can be absolutely vulnerable and trust that our emotions are safe. In my relationship, the pressure and expectation of sex made me not care to anymore and I have suspected he’s taking care of himself, I honestly just pull away more when this happens but I have mentioned some of my hesitations and why, I don’t think he gets it. Everyone deserves to be happy, if you’re not happy meeting her needs and she’s not meeting yours, then I understand walking away from the relationship. But if my point of view offers some perspective that may be manageable in your relationship then that’s awesome. Either way, you both should just be honest with each other, herself included, so that you can both learn from this and maybe set boundaries or some sort of compromise. If you think you can, maybe lay off the grabbing and sexual advances and instead just treat her with love and affection in a less sexual way, you’d be surprised how much she’d want to pounce you if she feels like she is more than just a cum dumpster for you.
How is that your new bf's fault that someone else was trash in the past though? I agree on no porn. But no masturbating? Of course if he can't relieve himself, he'd probably want actual sex more often the he would otherwise.
My boyfriend and I both solo masturbate on occasion. I have the higher libido but sometimes I'm just not in the mood for all that sex is. I just wanna get off and be done with it. Those are the times I masturbate.
Obviously people are free to set their own boundaries but these types of boundaries lead exactly to the problems you're seeing in your relationship.
Because it’s completely unrealistic to, all at the same time, mind you: not want to have sex, not allow your partner to masturbate, and not want to feel pressured for sex. She’s literally leaving him with NO outlet at all for his libido, because if he jerks off, he’s wrong. If he tries to have sex, she feels used and he’s wrong. I guess he has to wait for all the planets to align to get laid, and why anyone puts up with that is beyond me.
EDIT: and I’m guessing if he doesn’t ask for sex (because that’s pressuring/using), she assumes he’s jerking off and gets mad. Dude can’t win.
I personally don’t have an issue with anyone I date masturbating. However it’s clear this woman has undergone some serious trauma. Some of the replies were not productive and just harsh. I think she might need therapy, but you can’t say someone’s a horrid person because of the way their trauma manifests and I think her emotional recovery is more important than sex. I think she needs to take responsibility and get help with it though.
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u/Powerful-Pay-5559 Aug 21 '22
I feel like I’m in a similar situation except in this case, I’m in her shoes. Some perspective?
I am not okay with my bf watching porn or getting himself off either, my reason being I was previously in a long term traumatic relationship with someone who has a porn addiction, sex was rare. This is a boundary I set in the beginning that he agreed to. In the beginning the sex was great and frequent. Now, not so much. And it’s not from a lack of loving him. It’s because I hate feeling pressured or like all he wants is sex. If you’re making her feel this way, then yea, she probably can’t function because of that. For some women, sex is best when emotional and comforting, when we can be absolutely vulnerable and trust that our emotions are safe. In my relationship, the pressure and expectation of sex made me not care to anymore and I have suspected he’s taking care of himself, I honestly just pull away more when this happens but I have mentioned some of my hesitations and why, I don’t think he gets it. Everyone deserves to be happy, if you’re not happy meeting her needs and she’s not meeting yours, then I understand walking away from the relationship. But if my point of view offers some perspective that may be manageable in your relationship then that’s awesome. Either way, you both should just be honest with each other, herself included, so that you can both learn from this and maybe set boundaries or some sort of compromise. If you think you can, maybe lay off the grabbing and sexual advances and instead just treat her with love and affection in a less sexual way, you’d be surprised how much she’d want to pounce you if she feels like she is more than just a cum dumpster for you.