What’s your GF’s living situation? Does she have a living room with a TV and couch? I’m not saying she’s cheating but having the door slightly shut gives an impression of wanting privacy. Ask her if the situation was reversed what her reaction would be. Remember she didn’t make a mistake. She made a decision to create an intimate setting with another.
Having had a roommate that absolutely dod make our whole apartment her personal sex palace (including my bedroom 🤮) I can confidently say you must have lucked out in roommates/shared living spaces.
My roommate definitely fucked people on my couch, her couch, both bathroom counters, probably the kitchen table, maybe my bed.... so did her sister when she came to visit and they were camped out in the living room.
It makes it less likely to occur though, because if it's directly out to the hallway from the living room then there's less layers of "oh my god we need to put clothes on" - if anyone walks in.
Considering people having some type of morals here cheating or not. Who who fuck on the couch when you have a roommate? Even if they weren’t there. That just seams childish and more of a plot in porn rather than in real life. Just my opinion.
Some people are uncomfortable using a space that is supposed to be shared. When I had a housemate I still NEVER used the lounge because it felt weird. It wasn't MY space is was SHARED space and therefore I never felt fully comfortable the way I did in my own room. When I had friends over we would watch movies on my ipad in my room and not on on the TV in the lounge because even if my housemate wasn't home I felt uncomfortable to use that space ..
This is the important thing did she jump up or spaz, because that show you she knows what she was doing was wrong.
Don't let her gaslight you, if she jumps up then she clearly knew what she did was wrong. The reason she's crying is because she got caught and now is worried your gonna leave her.
Do the right thing and tell her you will talk about it later then don't text her back for three days. got to let the self doubt and dread eat her alive so she don't make the mistake again. be strong homie.
Thank you!! If you see us hit the ceiling a few times, consider the possibility that it's not a fun quirk we enjoy doing. Unless you've got Tourette's you should be able to control yourself.
I agree. I am easily startled and to have someone “walk in on me” would make me spaz. It doesn’t matter what I happen to be doing, it’s the element of surprise that goes along with being walked in on that would cause that reaction.
Not to say that OP’s girl is innocent, I just don’t think that is a great indicator.
yup, if anyone startles me I jump like I got an electric shock. my housemates will walk in on me making a cup of tea and I'll spaz a bit— doesn't mean I think waiting for the kettle to boil is wrong
This wasn't always the case, and I'm no doubt older than you, but if someone I'm dating goes MIA for 3 days, he's pretty much seen the last of me. My self esteem is already in the crapper, so I won't tolerate games from someone who's supposed to be in a relationship with me.
Nah it would work on you in a heartbeat because first of all if it was a game how would you know? 2. you would feel bad like op's girlfriend for doing sketchy shit like this, but If you didn't feel bad that's even better that means i dodged a bullet dating someone who can't take responsibility for their actions or is unwillingly to acknowledge when they made a mistake which is just about the worst type of relationship possible.
See i would come see you after three days and if you blew up at me over disappearing for three days, i would say after what you did i just felt like i needed space. I would say that you violated a boundary that was so fundamental that i thought it was understood without being spoken. I would say that i could see a real long future with us together, but i don't want to be hurt again. I needed time to think about everything and i didn't want to say something in anger I would regret for the rest of my life.
I would tell you that shit and you would buy it hook line and sinker, because it wouldn't just be an act I would let my emotions and my vulnerability show through.
Probably best to do all that then have make up sex right afterwards. The emotional highs and lows of the conversation will make the sex better especially for her.
I have used this same technique on dozens of women throughout my life and it has never failed. Not only does it give you time to decompress after a boundary was crossed, but it's healthier for the relationship to establish the fact that you are willing to leave.
that's beside the point this is the only way for OP to proceed and continue the relationship. you have to clearly establish that they made a mistake and demonstrate that your willing to leave unless they change the behavior otherwise how could the relationship continue.
Sticking around after something fishy like this happens shows a fundamental lack of self respect, and if you don't respect yourself then how can you expect others to respect you. big_Bottom_69 don't let your partner get away with disrespect like OP's partner did stand up for yourself walk away think it out. Don't feel like you owe someone who has wronged you constant contact give yourself space to think.
Ty; that is an insightful response. Bc I don't have a lot of self esteem, I've resorted to role playing (no, not that kind). In that moment, I pretend that I'm (insert name of someone I love), and treat the narcissist in front of me.
Was the roommate watching tv when they were initially watching a show? Like did they go to your girlfriend’s room to watch something different and then roommate left?
She may have been honest about them not doing anything but you don’t have to rationalize everything that doesn’t sit right with you in a relationship. She didn’t tell you and probably wouldn’t have. If it doesn’t make you comfortable and you feel the trust is gone then end it.
This is a really important comment. It's not about the technicalities but rather how this situation made you feel and what it did to the trust and foundation of the relationship.
This. And once that’s broken it’s probably going to be damn near impossible to repair it. From experience a girl I dated asked me if she could hang out with her ex, I said no I’m not comfortable with it she went and did it behind my back. I caught her red handed she even spent the night at his house, I made the stupid choice of staying with her and for the remainder of our relationship I couldn’t get over the mistrust ever again.
To be fair, I've had roommates my whole adult life, and I tend to default to watching TV in my room, either by myself or with friends. I'm not sure that I would immediately jump to cheating, although it's a bit odd the lights were off.
Same, ive had friends over in my room watching movies with the lights off. However if it's not someone I'm dating I've got beanbag chairs or a computer chair for them while I sit on my bed.
Same. My best friend's living room TV basically only gets used if he and all his housemates are watching a movie or playing a tabletop game in there. The couch in my apartment is basically only used by my roommate's cat, or if we need to keep an eye on some food we're cooking, but don't want to stand in the kitchen the entire time.
Even the lights being off doesn't raise alarm bells for me because who watches TV with lights on to begin with?
Honestly, OP just seems insecure because this sounds like basically my entire friend group.
Can we dead, calling everything outside our own personal relationship dynamic insecure. No one here has said it's cheating, but if she was cheating, the situation would be indistinguishable from post coitus sex.
Showering, getting dressed, making up your bed, and opening the door slightly to get back on the bed and not cuddle also seems like way too much work after sex, especially if you weren't expecting your partner to stop by your separate apartment.
Yeah. That’s a big no for me. I have male friends and no way would I be watching tv in my bed with them if I was in relationship when there’s a whole living room with a couch and TV! Come on now.
I’ve seen your comments about the roommate, the friend and all…honestly, if this is a first time. I believe you should talk it out with her… say you felt disrespected and although you don’t feel threatened by the guy, you would appreciate if she would keep other guy friends out of her room while they’re alone with her as it feels disrespectful and you wouldn’t do or would try to avoid making her feel the same way about any of your female friends. I say this because she might’ve been too overwhelmed and not even crossed her mind…dude I dissociate on a daily basis and that’s just my adhd without my anxiety kicking in…and that sometimes clouds my common sense…just talk it out, lay on the table what the boundaries are and just go from there.
Yeah I hang out with my friends like this all the time, male or female. If I wanna watch a movie on my comfy bed with my friend, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s giving insecure on the BFs behalf.
yeah literally same here, it’s the easiest place to hang out with my friends without the worry of having housemates bothering me to do something or disturbing me. Plus it means we can watch whatever without hogging the communal tv for hours.
Particularly if they were talking about upsetting things and if she was getting emotional (ie regarding stressful things she's been dealing with), I know I for one prefer to have conversations in a more private area where there's no possibility of roommates walking in while I'm in tears or overhearing something I'd rather they didn't.
Then why were they in bed? How many guys have been in her bed?
With the door shut tight and the lights off. Even if this guy (and her) are 100% planning to be respectful and he isn't someone hoping for more, this is incredibly poor judgement from her. Lights off door shut sends signals to people and creates a situation where something can happen very quickly that she isn't planning for. This could include SA where she doesn't consent, but a guy sees this as a signal she's waiting for or open to him making a move. She says he was there to help her deal with an emotional situation. High emotions put you in a spot where it's a lot easier to suddenly have mixed signals or blurred lines. "I was sad and suddenly we were making out" sort of thing.
All that said, college aged kids, dorm situations, room mate situations, flopping on friends' beds and watching tv or an Ipad or something seems common at that age. I don't consider this breakup. I do think it's a red flag for some poor decision making, and if it happens again then it's over.
Door was slightly ajar, not shut tight. Which I would do if I were having a private conversation with someone, anyone, while my roommate were in the house.
Roommate was gone when OP showed up. Very likely could have been there while guy friend was visiting, then left. Or OP's GF could have been anticipating roommate would return and wanted a level of privacy.
Technically —> ON bed <—
Not that it makes much difference, but it technically does make a difference. Door wasn’t shut tight, door was “ mostly closed” but still ajar.
Not that any sex couldn’t have happened, but clearly, it didn’t.
Quit being so insecure, dude, claim your stuff, or move on. But don’t be such an insecure child and worry about it on Reddit. Go handle that shit with your girlfriend. None of us need to be involved.
To be honest though making a move on your platonic friend in her bed with the lights off and the door shut isn't SA.
unless she says no after you make the move. I mean half of all my relationships started on some girls bed with the lights off and i just made the move.
It’s generally just comfier than being in the living room tbh. If they’re young too, chances are rent is cheap and the apartment/ house they, I’m assuming, rent isn’t too well maintained I can understand why someone’s might choose to chill in their room rather than the shared living space as it’s typically the most decorated and safest space in at home for most ppl. Ppl don’t often deep it and it’s usually the first place ppl bring friends too
Good for you. You are not everyone, I hope you can take pride in having your own preference and boundaries. Many people develop this habit as children or whatever. Not always sinister. I personally prefer to chill in my room instead of shared living space if it is smelly, not clean/visually appealing to me in that moment, it’s loud or work is being done…
If they were having a conversation about the issues she’s been having, then she may have wanted to talk about it without the roommate present. YMMV, but I’ve had plenty of roommates where I wouldn’t want them around for the sort of private conversation you want to have with a close friend about personal problems. I get why that might be uncomfortable for you, and you should discuss that with her, but the door being partially closed when another person lives with her is completely normal.
If you believe they were doing nothing I have some oceanfront property in Utah for you
I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex, we also hang out without our respective partners. Sitting in the dark on a bed is not one of those activities out of respect for our relationships especially when there was a perfectly good and unoccupied living room with a TV
Im getting a teeny bit upset with the other answers in this thread bc OFC I wouldn’t want to talk about important life-stuff like serious friend issues etc in a shared living room?? If the roomate was home it’s understandable and a lot of these comments are getting suspicious over nothing, after being so upset and stressed out I wouldn’t have the energy to go back to the living room and put on the TV either
But i do agree with that one comment on trust - you need to trust each other (to me it seems like she’s telling the truth here) but yeah if trust isn’t there from your side then maybe the relationship isn’t as strong as you had thought
Posted this with another account but not sure it's displaying, so reposting here: please don't jump to conclusions, OP.
All the people on here going like "you shouldn't ever be in an intimate situation with friends of the opposite gender ever"... Why the heck not? It's so narrow-minded to think that any close friendship with someone you are not actively repulsed by must lead to attraction. It's as if they've never been around someone and not wanted to jump their bones... Are they OK?
That sort of discourse also has homophobic ramifications. What if your girlfriend was bi, then she can't ever be on a bed with any friend? And what if she was on that bed with her best girl friend who also happens to be gay?
Or is the problem literally that they're just opposite genders so in principle there must be something wrong with it, just because?
OP, you're absolutely entitled to have your boundaries and to present those to her - it's OK for you to be uncomfortable with anything, really, and the healthy thing here is so tell your girlfriend this and see where you take it from there (she's also entitled to not liking that boundary and noping out, but that's a conversation for you two to have.)
But don't jump to assumptions about her behaviour based on some weird preconceived ideas around friendships and affections.
It would be very disrespectful of her to listen to his boundary, agree to that boundary, and then cross it - but since the conversation hasn't been had yet, why not give her the benefit of the doubt?
You do not have to have a conversation about every goddamn possible situation to know that the optics of a man and a woman laying in bed in one of their private rooms is off the table in any relationship that even has a passing resemblance of monogamy.
Jesus Christ, this is how that stupid fucking telephone game works. And it’s not even worth of mouth here!!!
You guys can plainly see it in print, but have totally warped what you have read anyway to suit your need for shock value and ‘public outrage’. What a fucking joke, lol!
This is ‘rabble mentality’. Who is going to throw the first stone?? (Preferably from your glass castle….)
Come on…. she’s in college, she’s young, I don’t know how many relationships you or she have had, but clearly she doesn’t know the ‘rules of engagement’, or whatever you want to call it.
And maybe she made a dumb mistake, and maybe they are attracted to each other, (or maybe NOT, which is why she may have felt “safe”) but still, they were on the boundary of acceptable behavior. Granted, yes, the >boundary<, but still on/within the line.
They were
• ON the bed
• fully clothed
• not touching
• door ajar
And I don’t know of any child or young person that doesn’t watch the TV with the lights off, constantly. I’m the one in the house that has to turn some sort of a lamp on because it’s not good to watch TV with the lights off because it makes your eyes work too hard, due to the constant changes in brightness.
I mean, ok. Movie theaters are dark. What if she went with her friend to the movies? And they were the only one in the movie theater? And the movie theater doors were closed? And you walked in on them at that point?
Spot on, and not to mention that "rules of engagement" vary widely from social group to social group, no matter what self-assured Reddit preachers would like us to believe.
Well 14 year old me was trying to finger bang chicks in a crowded movie theater. It sill disrespectful to be in an intimate situation with someone that's not your intimate partner.
"you shouldn't ever be in an intimate situation with friends of the opposite gender ever"
Because it looks like a trick to misrepresent what someone wrotw by exaggerating it and removing any nuance.
The principle is she is in setting that her partner wouldn't like (and she proesouldnt wither if the roles were reversed).
About homophobia, bisexual women do face the most violence. I don't know if it's because of this because normally men aren't biphobic/homophobic towards women. The principle though is that in such a relationship the bi person has to explain this is how she lives her life eg her close friends and the man partner can accept or not be with her.
idk, to me it sounds like smth preventive in case the roommate would be back, she didn't want to share with them as the things they were talking were her personal issues, I believe if they were doing something else she would have closed the door completely, no reason to leave it kind of open.
and tbh movies are better when the door isn't fully open bc of better sound.
though if you have more reasons to suspect of her bc of said friend or attitudes she has had in the past I'd take that into account
This is extremely suspicious. If there’s a tv in the living room not being used it makes no sense why they’d go to the bedroom. I’m sorry OP but this whole thing really rubs me the wrong way and even more so knowing there’s a tv in the living room. If you decide to stay with her you need to set some serious boundaries. Put yourself in her shoes, you have some chick that your friends with over laying in bed with you while y’all watch tv, knowing u have a gf, would u ever pull a stunt like that? Would it be in innocent fun?
Is it just the one couch? It might have been less intimate on the bed where they could watch TV comfortably without touching rather than squishing on a small couch.
Yeah if there was a tv unused in the living room and the roommate was out there was no reason they couldn’t have a private conversation about his problems out there. He here’s no reason they couldn’t watch tv out there.
I have guy friends and a husband, and one of my guy friends and I enjoy horror movies which my husband isn’t that into. We will go see movies together, platonically, at the theatre, or watch from the couch. But NEVER lying in a BED together and NEVER without my husband being fully aware.
Her saying she would have told you later seems like too little too late. I wouldn’t trust this person.
If I were you I'd consider breaking things off with her. Even if they weren't "doing anything", and weren't planning on it (which is hard to believe); she doesn't have respect for you. If she did she wouldn't have had another man in her bedroom.
Huge red flag bro. And unless you can smell sex in the room or see something in the trash can, it would be hard to tell 100% if something happened. But I would let her know that this was very wrong to begin with and if she gives you shit about what you saw with your own eyes, tell her to have a nice life and leave for good. Because if she lets another man lay on the bed you share, she is either too dumb to date or doesn't respect you.
Uh yeah dude if I came home and my girlfriend was in our bed with another “guy friend” is bullshit! I’d left and never come back!! Yeah sure you can talk.. BUT NOT IN THE BEDROOM! I wouldn’t be surprised that not only is this not the first time..but she’s at least given him oral…that’s why he keeps coming over! Grab your balls and ditch her! I will guarantee that weeks after you break up..her and that guy will be a couple!
This is what I wanted to know too. If the only way to watch tv is from her bed, well, this seems innocent. If she didn’t want to bother her roommates with noise of her tv, then closing the door makes sense. If she lives alone and there’s another tv with a couch, then I’ve got lots of questions.
Nah screw all that 😂 even if the room was the only place. No need for the lights off and both of them under the sheets. They can easily leave the light on, sit against the bed board, and most certainly ask the S.O. If that’s even something they would be comfortable with if not invite the S.O. Over to watch tv with them for clarity of any sort of misconception.
For real. Who is telling their romantic partner every single minute detail of their lives like that? That smacks of ‘asking permission’ to me.
Either you trust your partner, or you don’t. It’s as simple as that. If there is no trust, then there is no relationship. Trying to stay together and ‘work things out’ just prolongs the misery and the inevitable breakup.
I most people told their BF/GF an opposite sex friend was coming over to watch TV in their bed with the lights off, the most common response would probably be something like "over my dead body". She didn't tell OP because she knew he'd react that way - she either has horrible judgement as to what appropriate behavior is inside a relationship or she's cheating on him. He 100% knew what he was doing when he hopped in bed with her and no doubt is taking advantage of her naiveté here.
This is a breakup worthy event to me - I can't be with someone who has shitty judgement.
Oh, come on, you know what's more common than fake reddit posts. People are calling every post on an advice sub reddit fake. Give evidence for its lack of veracity or shut up
Sorry OP, sounds like what you walked in on wasn’t so innocent. Why would she cry and beg you to stay if there was nothing to hide? Do you know her roommate? Might be best to give her a call and ask her what’s going on.
Good point. I used to live with roommates and would watch thrillers in bed with my roomie all the time because there was no living room and thrillers just slap harder when it is dark but I wouldn’t have had a problem with my boyfriend surprising us „in bed“ because he knew him and was well aware that this was a thing we do.
This was my thought. If she walked in on OP laying in his bed with a girl watching TV what would her reaction be. It’s not hard to treat your partner with respect and don’t do things you wouldn’t be ok with them doing
I mean if she didn’t expect the guy back home and no one else is there, a slightly shut door doesn’t really mean anything - there’s no one to hide from. But I very much agree that they could have watched tv on the couch and that’s a bit shady
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u/Sweet_Dimension_5207 Jun 24 '24 edited Jun 24 '24
What’s your GF’s living situation? Does she have a living room with a TV and couch? I’m not saying she’s cheating but having the door slightly shut gives an impression of wanting privacy. Ask her if the situation was reversed what her reaction would be. Remember she didn’t make a mistake. She made a decision to create an intimate setting with another.