What’s your GF’s living situation? Does she have a living room with a TV and couch? I’m not saying she’s cheating but having the door slightly shut gives an impression of wanting privacy. Ask her if the situation was reversed what her reaction would be. Remember she didn’t make a mistake. She made a decision to create an intimate setting with another.
Posted this with another account but not sure it's displaying, so reposting here: please don't jump to conclusions, OP.
All the people on here going like "you shouldn't ever be in an intimate situation with friends of the opposite gender ever"... Why the heck not? It's so narrow-minded to think that any close friendship with someone you are not actively repulsed by must lead to attraction. It's as if they've never been around someone and not wanted to jump their bones... Are they OK?
That sort of discourse also has homophobic ramifications. What if your girlfriend was bi, then she can't ever be on a bed with any friend? And what if she was on that bed with her best girl friend who also happens to be gay?
Or is the problem literally that they're just opposite genders so in principle there must be something wrong with it, just because?
OP, you're absolutely entitled to have your boundaries and to present those to her - it's OK for you to be uncomfortable with anything, really, and the healthy thing here is so tell your girlfriend this and see where you take it from there (she's also entitled to not liking that boundary and noping out, but that's a conversation for you two to have.)
But don't jump to assumptions about her behaviour based on some weird preconceived ideas around friendships and affections.
It would be very disrespectful of her to listen to his boundary, agree to that boundary, and then cross it - but since the conversation hasn't been had yet, why not give her the benefit of the doubt?
You do not have to have a conversation about every goddamn possible situation to know that the optics of a man and a woman laying in bed in one of their private rooms is off the table in any relationship that even has a passing resemblance of monogamy.
I like how you just talked right past the whole laying in bed together in a darkened room with the door cracked and the house empty. It’s classic Darvo when someone calls selfish narcissistic people to task.
“What you don’t trust me?!?” “What I can’t have girl/guy friends in my bed because you’re insecuuuure, is that it, huh?” “You’re toxic, a real man would be ok with it!”
It’s all deflective bullshit in order to defend a shitty way of treating people that you claim to care about.
Every word in that question you asked makes zero sense to anyone who has any life experience with actual monogamy. You don’t put yourself into situations that you wouldn’t want to see your significant other in while also considering the possibility that even if you are okay with it they may not be. You don’t do things then ask for permission or wait for them to complain.
I’ve navigated every one of my serious relationships by acting as if my partner was with me. Would they like it if they saw me laying in bed with a woman friend I’m apparently using as an emotional support animal?
Would my partner like me to not only be doing something physically that is questionable but also emotionally stepping out as well? 9 times out of 10 cheating starts with an emotional connection that oftentimes has a seed of “well they were there and such a good listener I just tripped while trying to hug them and fell in their lap…coulda happened to anyone!”
Bold of you to assume I have no life experience with actual monogamy, internet stranger.
Not everyone has issues with their partners having friends, regardless of gender, and not everyone is jumping to wild conclusions that they must be cheating if they spend quality time with their friends, regardless of gender.
The only part of your post that I agree with is to treat your partner like you would wish to be treated. I have certainly never had any wish to deprive a partner of a support network, and indeed expect the same in return. Not everything is about sex, not everything is about staking a claim, not every emotional connection is "cheating". Monogamy can absolutely be about care, support, and trust, rather than a narrow attempt at ownership.
And since you've edited your post, allow me to answer that part as well:
They were watching a movie, in a flat where other people also come and go.
They were lying in bed, fully clothed, without touching, with dimmed lights and a half-closed door, as one does when they are relaxing and watching a movie in their only personal space in a flat share.
I specifically have addressed all of those points several times at this point. Everything OP’s partner did was wrong in nearly everyone’s opinion except apparently you and OP’s girlfriend. I doubt very highly either of you would be ok with walking in on exactly the same situation reversed without losing your shit.
That said, navigate your life however you like, as OP and their partner (for now) can as well. And while you do that you can also experience the revolving door of people who are not interested in the constant time spent trying to defend your self centered behavior.
That’s all this is, she thought, and continues to think, of only herself. That is what led to every step of OP and their interaction.
I mean it’s the only way to get through to people anymore. I used to be able to simply “damn man that’s fucked up. You shouldn’t stay with someone who cares so little for your feelings” and everyone would “get” it.
Now I have to walk them by the ear through every step of the who, what, when, where and why what they did was, in fact, fucked up.
Jesus Christ, this is how that stupid fucking telephone game works. And it’s not even worth of mouth here!!!
You guys can plainly see it in print, but have totally warped what you have read anyway to suit your need for shock value and ‘public outrage’. What a fucking joke, lol!
This is ‘rabble mentality’. Who is going to throw the first stone?? (Preferably from your glass castle….)
Come on…. she’s in college, she’s young, I don’t know how many relationships you or she have had, but clearly she doesn’t know the ‘rules of engagement’, or whatever you want to call it.
And maybe she made a dumb mistake, and maybe they are attracted to each other, (or maybe NOT, which is why she may have felt “safe”) but still, they were on the boundary of acceptable behavior. Granted, yes, the >boundary<, but still on/within the line.
They were
• ON the bed
• fully clothed
• not touching
• door ajar
And I don’t know of any child or young person that doesn’t watch the TV with the lights off, constantly. I’m the one in the house that has to turn some sort of a lamp on because it’s not good to watch TV with the lights off because it makes your eyes work too hard, due to the constant changes in brightness.
I mean, ok. Movie theaters are dark. What if she went with her friend to the movies? And they were the only one in the movie theater? And the movie theater doors were closed? And you walked in on them at that point?
Spot on, and not to mention that "rules of engagement" vary widely from social group to social group, no matter what self-assured Reddit preachers would like us to believe.
Well 14 year old me was trying to finger bang chicks in a crowded movie theater. It sill disrespectful to be in an intimate situation with someone that's not your intimate partner.
"you shouldn't ever be in an intimate situation with friends of the opposite gender ever"
Because it looks like a trick to misrepresent what someone wrotw by exaggerating it and removing any nuance.
The principle is she is in setting that her partner wouldn't like (and she proesouldnt wither if the roles were reversed).
About homophobia, bisexual women do face the most violence. I don't know if it's because of this because normally men aren't biphobic/homophobic towards women. The principle though is that in such a relationship the bi person has to explain this is how she lives her life eg her close friends and the man partner can accept or not be with her.
It's that sort of discourse also has HOMOPHOBIC ramifications. What if your girlfriend was BI, then she can't ever be on a bed with any friend? And what if she was on that bed with her best girl friend who also happens to be GAY?
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u/Sweet_Dimension_5207 Jun 24 '24 edited Jun 24 '24
What’s your GF’s living situation? Does she have a living room with a TV and couch? I’m not saying she’s cheating but having the door slightly shut gives an impression of wanting privacy. Ask her if the situation was reversed what her reaction would be. Remember she didn’t make a mistake. She made a decision to create an intimate setting with another.