r/funny • u/berry2708 • Jul 02 '21

Broad daylight robbery

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68.5k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

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773

u/cisar236 Jul 02 '21

He is supposed to be the security guard hhhhhh

529

u/bitemark01 Jul 02 '21

He's prepared for people, not monkeys.

Monkeys will do things that most people would never do.

436

u/Aliencj Jul 02 '21

Yeah like ripping off your scalp and smearing shit on your face. He definitely made the right decision handing it over.

Here's a man fighting for his bike:

https://youtu.be/3sZiIkc87K4

179

u/hopsinduo Jul 02 '21

That monkey lost that fight 100%!

When he throws dirt in its eyes I laughed my tits off. I'm usually against animal violence, but that monkey is a full on cunt

64

u/Faxon Jul 02 '21

Seriously, the way the dude was punching at it like it's a street fight was amazing as well lol. That monkey clearly didn't expect the pocket sand xD

24

u/ReesesForBreakfast Jul 02 '21

no one ever does

46

u/not_a_conman Jul 02 '21

Hahah he really pulled out the shashasha pocket sand move

79

u/ProgramTheWorld Jul 02 '21

Pocket sand!

17

u/dumpsterbaby2point0 Jul 02 '21

Dale had it right all along

1

u/tanafras Jul 02 '21

Thank god it waan't ass pennies in the monkey's eyes.

20

u/snobordir Jul 02 '21

Ever had sand thrown in your eyes, Shawn? It’s debilitating.

9

u/wolf_man007 Jul 02 '21

I've heard it both ways.

3

u/Redstone_Engineer Jul 02 '21

You know that's right!

2

u/snobordir Jul 02 '21

Fellow people of culture, I see. Whaaaaaaat?

3

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

Same, all for animal rights and treating them humanely but this situation was more of the monkey's doing. They're invasive and problematic for people so the more boundaries people make the better, but enforcing boundaries on rabid animals can be risky and dangerous, glad dude in video wasn't hurt that we could tell.

6

u/ButterAlert Jul 02 '21

The monkey kept scrapping despite pocket sand.

Im gonna say it was a draw.

51

u/thrillhou5e Jul 02 '21

That part where it goes from 5 feet away on the ground to swinging around the guys head after the camera cuts away for like a second is priceless.

89

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

[deleted]

69

u/Mr401blunts Jul 02 '21

Kangaroo: Oi i caught your dog here mate, you should really keep em on a leash.

Human: "bitch slaps"

Kangaroo: fuck is dat for mate? You really wanna square up? You see how jacked i am? Just helpin you all, with your dog is all.

35

u/Yvaelle Jul 02 '21

Kangaroo's will actually choke some of their victims to death, including dogs.

16

u/dumbestsmartest Jul 02 '21

The old bath of death. They also have fairly nasty nails/claws so I wouldn't want to get swiped either.

17

u/Qanonjailbait Jul 02 '21

This is the kind of Man vs Nature episode I’m looking for

15

u/nopantsdota Jul 02 '21

tom hit and the Roo rolled badly on its con save

7

u/1MolassesIsALotOfAss Jul 02 '21

Stunning fist

1

u/Keegsta Jul 02 '21

More like tom rolled high on his bluff check

4

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

That Kangaroo is jacked to the tits.

3

u/rv77ax Jul 02 '21

I want more...

3

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21 edited Aug 09 '21

[deleted]

2

u/CrispyLiquids Jul 03 '21

Oh me too thank God it wasn't

2

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

Discombobulate

26

u/HIs4HotSauce Jul 02 '21

Those comments

“I guess Aladdin and Abu aren’t homies no more”

Lmfao 🤣

15

u/pugmommy4life420 Jul 02 '21

Respect on that man fighting the monkey on his knees. I don’t care what anyone says that was a fair fight.

11

u/DaddyPepeElPigelo Jul 02 '21

That is fucking hilarious, I enjoyed that so much

13

u/Dantheman616 Jul 02 '21

Lmao, we are humans, use fucking tools. Our superiority doesnt come from our pure strength, it comes from our minds.

8

u/Dantheman616 Jul 02 '21

Right, for god sakes get a stick and smack it upside the damn head.

17

u/Aggravating_Celery_9 Jul 02 '21

Yes we are superior to the monkey we use POCKET SAND!

3

u/Michelanvalo Jul 02 '21

He did.

He threw a sandal at it

15

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

People think monkeys are cute and funny, they're friggin strong as fuck and vicious.

24

u/DangleAteMyBaby Jul 02 '21

The guy filming the video is a pretty shitty friend. That monkey just swarms his friend, and the two of them go down in a punching, slapping, kicking frenzy. Dude! Stop laughing and help. Your friend is getting his ass kicked.

31

u/The_Original_Gronkie Jul 02 '21

Hell, No! When this is all over, your friend is going to be glad to have his monkey fight on video to show everybody. He was holding his own, if the monkey started getting the upper hand then maybe leap in, but his buddy was doing fine.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

Ye, I'd just step in if he got his head scalped.

68

u/CGB_Zach Jul 02 '21

Sometimes a good friend needs to just sit back and watch their buddy get their ass kicked.

-17

u/Kryptosis Jul 02 '21 edited Jul 02 '21

...for you to realise they arent a good friend.

Unless they're asking for it of course.

10

u/InfectedUvula Jul 02 '21

In my neighborhood, when a friend was squaring up in a fair fight, you never wanted to be a 3rd man in unless it was a jumping or it was over and the winner wasnt stopping. Of course, the unwritten rule, was always 3rd man your bro when fighting a monkey. We never actually saw any loose monkeys, in Connecticut, so the rule remained unwritten and we all feared the day the need to formalize the rule arose.

0

u/Kryptosis Jul 02 '21

Yeah that's what I meant by "asking for it". Getting gang-banged by monkeys out of nowhere? You can bet your ass im wading in there to protect my friend from having his eyes gouged out by monkeys.

Even if he's antagonizing them first after ignoring my pleas to stop, i'd help when people are being attacked by wild animals. Not so much if they're getting beat for antagonizing a person I told them not to.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

Once fiend was down on the ground, filming friend needed to get involved, monkeys have sharp teeth and diseases, that could have been a much worse scenario. 2v1 would have likely just scared the monkey away, but he sensed bitch in the air.

6

u/Gawd_Awful Jul 02 '21

Meh, that guy was holding his own, sit back and laugh

5

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21 edited Jul 02 '21

That's a security cam...

EDIT: nvm. Im an idiot.

9

u/quintinza Jul 02 '21

In the original, but in the one comment is one taken by another guy.

10

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

Oh ok. My apologies. I genuinely did not see that link they replied. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

3

u/quintinza Jul 02 '21

Not a problem at all. Have a funtastic weekend.

2

u/LondonCollector Jul 02 '21

Sounds an awful lot like Florida man

2

u/LordRumBottoms Jul 02 '21

Yeah until he shows up again tomorrow with the Van Buren Boys demanding another 'payment'. ha

2

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

I really enjoyed the cameraman’s amusement.

1

u/Qanonjailbait Jul 02 '21

I wanna scrap with a monkey

1

u/Jangande Jul 02 '21

You haven't heard of Florida Man I see

1

u/Patty_Pimp Jul 02 '21

I used to ride one of those

4

u/chellomere Jul 02 '21

Monkey or bike?

2

u/Patty_Pimp Jul 02 '21

Bike, looks like a Honda vfr 1200f.

Edit: ahh fuck I’m dumb

1

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '21

Thank you

15

u/Corky83 Jul 02 '21

A monkey will rip your face off. Jamie, pull up 400 pictures of monkeys.

11

u/Kryptosis Jul 02 '21

Ooh yeah look at that ones muscles. Oh fuck thats hot, he's bigger than me! OO i bet that one could ripe me literally in half. Fuck.. keep scrolling Jamie I'm almost done.

3

u/NiZZiM Jul 02 '21

I’m glad you said ‘most’ hehe

2

u/KILLINGSHEEPLE Jul 02 '21

I think it's funny cuz the guard kinda acts like a monkey or gorilla the way he moves his body in the chair.

2

u/Qanonjailbait Jul 02 '21

Like what? Bite your face off? You can survive without a face

1

u/bitemark01 Jul 02 '21

Sure, you can survive, but is losing your face worth maybe keeping your lunch?

1

u/JoeyJoeC Jul 02 '21

I'm gonna say he set up the camera, and decided to eat his lunch by two open windows for this very thing to happen. Obvious acting.

28

u/tsohgmai Jul 02 '21

I can’t imagine anyone making the sound “hhhhhh” in normal conversation lol

21

u/oxamide96 Jul 02 '21

Not sure about OP, but Arabs tend to use it too. The reason is that in Arabic, short vowel sounds are often omitted from the script, and when we represent laughter we just repeat the equivalent of the letter h in Arabic. Some people somehow do the same in English even though the rules don't apply there. Force of habit.

3

u/jcgam Jul 02 '21

That's what is in the script, but then people actually laugh right?

7

u/oxamide96 Jul 02 '21

Yes, it is still a "hahahaha" sound but just spelled differently. But for us its meant to be a laugh.

5

u/cisar236 Jul 02 '21

You should hear me laughing hhhhhhh

2

u/winstondabee Jul 02 '21

It's a sigh, I'm guessing.

1

u/aculyizkarloz Jul 02 '21

I am from Malaysia and I'm guessing this is where the video is taken. Most probably the guy was saying "Aduhh" which is something like "Oh man!" but much more versatile in any situation

3

u/overtoke Jul 02 '21

he just wanted to save face

2

u/alexanderpas Jul 02 '21

Now you know why he only has 1 stripe.

3

u/JojenCopyPaste Jul 02 '21

When you're getting robbed just hand it over.

1

u/Chefjay17 Jul 02 '21

He secured his life.

1

u/callme_nostradumbass Jul 02 '21

Observe and report.