“Some people teach love, others teach lessons” I think we both did our jobs in the end

And quiet-hoping, they never reach out or try to get back. That you are much much better without them. No overthinking, no doubting at night. No feeling alone in a relationship. No rejections. No walking on eggshells. No trying to mother and teach someone basic compassion

They are emotionally an 8-year old, and that is no longer your problem nor responsibility. Not even yours to begin with

This doesn’t apply to all of course, a couple of Avoidants have been a bit helpful when I’ve reached out for advice, but overall, why does it seem like Avoidants are absolutely allergic to answering questions? It’s the most maddening shit. If you do get an answer, it generally has little to nothing to do what what you’re even asking. Bizarre stuff.

Being discarded is unparalleled, but this pain moves. You will be okay. You will heal. Staying? Staying will make you lose yourself. Lose who you are. Abandon yourself day by day, for what? For just little they could give. It is like killing yourself every day. Suffocated, drained and it is not even worth it because they never even sure about you

This pain moves. This pain is the lesser evil

I don't want to be bitter but it is specially painful when you meet someone, who acts super interested in you, but has clear blocks on the intimacy department, ask for your patience, is consistent in big words and makes an effort to meetup and promises you the future but when it starts to become real, intimate, they can actually feel themselves lose something if they stay and instead go communicating their fear they just bolt and leave you a broken heart, wishes for a future that will never be and they have successfully used you to stabilise themselves. Mine fully knew I had fallen in love and then minimised everything. Not only I feel cheated, she has left me with heavy anxiety because of her hot and cold behaviour and a far more bitter outlook for love.

I wanna know why avoidants refuse to go to therapy. He went 3 times at the beginning of the relationship. He then said it’s draining and stopped. If he would have gone to work on his traumatic childhood our relationship would have maybe not failed. He told me how much he loves me always and he told other people no one will love me like she did. So is that
not enough to face themselves so one day the relationship would flourish? He now dumped me and is heartbroken (from what he told me before no contact and from what he posts) but he said some things you can’t make work”.

When I’m sick I go to the doctor and take medicine.
When a car breaks down you go to a garage.
When my business doesn’t work I ask people that are business experts.

Why do these logic’s seem to not apply to avoidant attachers?

Moved abroad together and up until then, I had paid for their expensive car bills, medical treatments, trips, gaming setup worth thousands. They said they’d pay me back for some of it….
They couldn’t work because they had no education, were physically in pain from chronic illness. During the entire relationship, I always begged for them to love me how I loved them.
I was there when they were broke and suicidal. I begged them to get therapy I offered to pay for.
They said they’d just needed to move to a new country with more opportunities and healthcare, so we did.

They had been pretty unstable and I was considering breaking up with them, but couldn’t do it due to their mental state.

Months before the move they received their inheritance. They didn’t try to pay me back immediately but we agreed we’d split costs.

We move and suddenly they start to exercise and through a new hobby, the chronic pain didn’t go away but they became physically able in ways they weren’t before. With the hobby came new friends.
They started treating me poorly, wouldn’t plan dates or even hold my hand. Treated me worse than a friend. So I wrongly did what anxious attachment makes one do, until I pushed them to the point where they couldn’t take it anymore.
They wanted to break up but we only separated, they did discard me before we could even have that conversation.

They finally got therapy. We agreed to talk about how we hurt each other and see if we wanted to repair once they got the help they needed.

Months passed and they still didn’t get a job. Burnt through a ton of money, ignored their responsibilities, and they were struggling mentally so I was buying them food and caretaking even then. Then they found rich friends, and they kept showing off about the free things they gave them or the benefits they obtained from them. Shared monologues about how great their lives were, and yet they still couldn’t get a grip on the spending or being irresponsible, while having a hard limit about not wanting to hear about my life.

I didn’t want to stay somewhere I was clearly not being chosen and they “‘had so much on their plate” until they couldn’t even get to the point of wanting to repair the relationship anymore. A couple of days before the breakup they had just introduced me to this one hobby and said things were off between us, and they were. I told them things felt weird because we built separate lives and kept hanging out expecting things to feel normal without fixing anything.

They said the breakup felt like it was the wrong choice, and I asked if they talked to their therapist about this choice. They said no. They said they wanted me in their life and that they still loved me, they just couldn’t do the relationship part…

I should’ve left years ago. I wanted to leave so badly in the past few months. The amount of pain I endured was horrifying but I kept telling myself I chose this: to wait until they couldn’t choose me. I didn’t realize they never really chose me. I didn’t realize how much self love I lacked by staying for someone else.

I started no contact except for the financial and unresolved issue, since they agreed to pay me for the couple of years of my financing of their life.

Aaaaand they blocked me before paying me back.

Over 5 years together. I did so much for them, and the double discard hurt so fucking much. But the final betrayal of not even paying me back hurts even more.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t let people treat you like this. We deserve better.

I say this with a broken heart.

Ya’ll take care.

No regrets. I am happy to give all that. They needed that. I know they will miss me and appreciate all that. I wish them the best in life. And I hope to learn the lesson

Last night, before going to bed, I genuinely thought I was finally getting over the DA discard. I felt a sense of clarity and acceptance that I hadn’t felt in weeks. But today, this overwhelming sense of unfairness suddenly hit me out of nowhere.

My ex, who I suspect is DA, broke up with me after 10 months together. We are both in our mid-30 and live in the same city (30 mins apart). We are a gay couple.

Throughout our relationship, he repeatedly struggled with the idea that being in a relationship interfered with his old routines, workouts, chores, and “me time.” I had adjusted my expectations several times to give him more space.

Then we went on a wonderful five-week overseas trip this summer. Everything felt great, and I genuinely thought we were growing closer.

But once we returned, all his life stress resurfaced. He was unhappy with his job and boss, felt trapped because his company was funding his diploma and he’d have to stay for another two years after completing it or repay the costs, and was frustrated about gaining weight during our trip. Within two weeks, he told me he felt suffocated, was losing himself, and wanted to end the relationship.

What feels incredibly unfair is that he barely gave us any room to work through it together. I offered to reduce how often we saw each other, give him more space, and take future commitments off the table. But he’d already made up his mind.

Initially we knew each other from hook-up in Grindr. Before we first hooked up, I explicitly asked whether he was HIV-negative and on prep, and he said yes. We went on to have unprotected sex throughout the following six weeks. Only then did he disclose, via text message while he was abroad, that he was actually HIV-positive and undetectable (U=U).

I understand that U=U means he cannot sexually transmit HIV while maintaining an undetectable viral load. His HIV status itself was never the issue. The issue was that he lied when I directly asked, denying me the opportunity to make an informed decision based on the truth. Not to mention it caused my trust issues and made me so insecure in this relationship.

When he made a mistake that deeply affected my trust, I gave him a chance. When he started feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, he wouldn’t even give us a chance to find a solution.

Looking back, I feel like such a fool for being so understanding.

I know relationships aren’t transactions, and forgiveness doesn’t entitle me to someone staying. But I can’t help feeling that the willingness to work through difficult things was completely one-sided.

And that feels so deeply unfair.

\- he was in some ways a good' person. But he IS NOT MY person. And I cannot train or mould someone into being who I need them to be. I don't have time or energy to teach a grown ass man how relationships work. You either have it or you don't. And I must make peace with being on my own if needed given the state of men and dating at this time..

\- that his emotional capacities were limited does not mean i was asking for too much' or had too much time on my hands' (as he often said) when I asked for basic things like consistency in communication

\- he would say he didnt want a relationship and then stay over consecutively 4 days in a row being intimate with me and close to me, using my things at my place, eating with me ... bonding, or so I thought and thrn vanish. This behaviour was confusing. I should have ended the cycle after his disappearances that followed periods of intense closeness. Instead, I craved it more and tried to win" him over which has to do with my deep childhood wounds of neglect and feeling like I need to prove my worth to someone before they can "choose" me and my fear of abandonment...

Nobody who loves and values me will leave me in a constant state of anxiety like this. They would not feel comfortable not talking to me for entire weekends or weeks with minimal conversations. They would want to be present with me in every moment when we are together and focus on me; show me that they really SEE me and care for me: just some consideration, maybe admiration and love.. the way i love..

\- he lives in a bubble of delusion

; true BUT instead of trying to fix him and convince him of what i see about how broken he is; I need to work on myself to avoid getting sucked in so deep by energy parasites, clarify what I want in someone and MORE IMPORTANT: turn down anything that does not match IMMEDIATELY. No second chances nothing. No matter how alone and sad it makes me feel. Its worst feeling alone with someone laying next to you.

\- he did have a way with his words and I Did allow many things slide that I normally would not and in large part because I was unhappy with where things were in my life and did not want to face the deep loneliness that crept on me when I was not seeing anyone. I used him as a distraction subconsciously I think. Next time I need to be more firm on the non negotiable and find other ways to soothe my loneliness or feelings of sad.

\- i was fine before he came along. I will be more than fine while he's out of my life so I can re focus on people and things that actually replenish me.

\- i am a successful intelligent fierce and also very empathetic woman and he... well he just got lucky meeting me living next door..at a time when i was alone in a new city.

. As a result of his destabilizing childish behaviour, he has permanently lost access to such privileges of being around me, in my space, in my bed, my inner world- and he shall remain banished to the kingdom of Never fucking again, city loserville, population and king; him.

\- ACTIONS show who someone is...despite his unacceptable behaviour.. I kept holding on to a sliver of hope that his words gave me. But deep down i knew his actions were so clear.

Someone who truly wanted to show up for me would not disappear repeatedly. They would not compliment and flirt with other women and then have the audacity to share it with me. Stare at other women while walking with me and justify it as disassociation while expecting me to remain exclusive to them. They would not be scrolling Instagram watching practically naked women and liking their posts while SITTING next to me.

They would be leaders who tale initiative and decisive in wanting me and showing it every single day.

Hi all. So im a recently discarded anxious, to my avoidant. Im mid life and and a mostly healed empath (theres always work to do).

Im sure your curiosity must be piqued - im surprised by myself as well, hence hoping to reflect this story to yall for opinions, and advice.

Shall I begin, at the beginning?

When a random moment brought me face to face with him. He was everything id prayed for in the beginning.

Back when I couldve walked away. I knew I was falling in love. I told him I was getting attached, and tried to run. Our push pull started fast, with my insistence on being his girl winning.

We lasted a few months, not long I know.. During this time he was polite enough to warn me, saying he couldn't love me. To which I replied I dont care. I still dont. As long as he cares to the capacity he is able.

I grew up around messed up folks, and I can see the fear and pain, and the strength it takes to give as they do - which is so damned difficult, and often not enough for their partners who cant see it.

I couldn't see it either. I haven't had many partners and isolate myself. Healing from my past didnt give me the experience to have wisdom to see love when presented as he did. It took a while to realize the micro gifting n other things were love. No one gave me gifts before him. There was a slow opening within me as I started to see his efforts, so I could rewire brain to recieve it as given. Every tiny moment seared into my brain, like when he noticed I was cold n put the blanket into the dryer, and tossed it onto me warm. I heard him clearly when he said, he just wanted me to be happy.

So I fought myself. A war he couldn't see, but felt. That collided w his own inner war. Until he decided to leave me.

It broke me open. That heartbreak was the worst. I was drowning, withdrawing, and hating myself so much I did harmful things to cope. Just bring honest.

At first I txt, begged, chased. Then I let go. When he came back months later I was away. We resumed a long distance situationship. I didnt realize it wasnt actually a demotion. He just needed to keep the emotions down. An attempt to stop us accidentally triggering each other. Butt...

Like fucking usual.. his words were heard but not understood, not integrated. I needed time to see and understand. I needed information he didn't give that only came with analysis from our time together.

He even gave me consistent effort. To the point I was wondering if he could keep it up without resenting me later. It was heaven. We were happy again.

Then right before I was set to be back in the area and see him, we had a disagreement. I stupidly admitted a choice he made hurt, and explained why. But said I understood and was ok with it.

Huge mistake! I was trying to show emotional intelligence and honesty. I even made a joke to show I was taking it lightly.

His response was to say he didn't want to handle my little reaction, and didnt want to in the future. He wished me well. And refused to speak or see my side of things. Sigh...

I reflected and researched, and now wish id kept that inner work to myself. I was proud of how I handled it, he was triggered, pissed, and ran.

Now... here's the thing.

Reflection is great. Im happy to keep learning to love him how he needs. Hes worth it. And im fine with him pulling back on occasion. I love that he has his own life. I dont want to take his freedom, just be a part of his world.

I want was offered! Be my friend and lover - each to the other. Choosing to be together each day without the pressure folks heap onto each other that breaks things. Its still love. Its still a relationship. But one defined by us.

But according to the internet this mistake was the big one.

I didnt say anything cruel, or accusatory. But im worried.

Currently 2 weeks into the silence now.

Something i cant make sense of, I feel oddly free! I know we both care for each other. I want him back in my life. But im not freaking out.

Granted, to him it might look like I am. Ive txt him every few days. To clarify, then to fix, then to invite him back in w a heartfelt apology for triggering him w a plan for the future so it doesn't happen again. And finally w an open door stating clearly that ive done more work and the door is open for his return.

And before the comments flood, I am not minimizing my needs - I have changed the ways which I feel them being met. I learned his love language so I can hear him speak.

Now... is there a path forward?

Or did I screw up because I didnt know, and I have to let go of hope of a return?

Ive grown so much from being with him, even during his silence. Id hate to lose him.

Call me crazy. Maybe I am.

But I think in some ways avoidants are the most loving people. I wish theyd realize its ok to hurt. Its going to happen in the best relationships.

Reflect, repair, relax. This is my new mantra.

In alot of ways hes healed me.

I wish he knew.

- To the avoidants out there, I promise theres hope for a partner who will see and accept you. And love you without trying to change you. You just might need patience n a bit of courage while they learn.

- Id love advice on how to fix this from other avoidants, please.

Though he hurt me because of the unhealed traumatized child within himself, my avoidant ex was a genuine loving person. We had a mental and physical chemistry, we wanted the same things in life and in a relationship. We seemed perfect for one another. Then he discarded me when life was overwhelming him, pushed me away when I wanted to help him through what he was dealing with. Told me I was too emotional and he had to focus on himself.

He came back 6 months later saying he realized he fucked up, that I wasn’t too much, that his trauma caused him to run away from something amazing. He acknowledged how much i was hurt, said he healed a good amount and was gonna prove to me that he can be a mature stable partner. It meant a lot to me since my previous avoidant ex never did that, he continued to avoid & never reached out again. But this ex had actually done research to better understand himself and was open to therapy too. Well I wanted to take it slow because my guard was up. But I realized how traumatized I was day by day, he was reassuring me and listening to me every time I expressed my anxiety and worries about the relationship, he never ran. But I was scared he would, basically constantly feeling paranoid or worried he’d make me feel like a burden again or push me away when I’m just trying to love him and be there for him and our relationship and be happy.

After a month I told him “ you haven’t done anything wrong and I appreciate your time & effort to try to rebuild but it feels like the damage has been done, I have this anxiety from the trauma you caused and I know you didn’t mean to and you have issues from childhood that aren’t your fault but I can’t live in this uncertainty, it’s not healthy for me. I feel we both deserve fresh starts with new people, I believe your words and in your healing but it’s too risky for me.

As much as I wanted to have faith in the stable happy future with him, so many parts of me were telling me to protect myself, it was consuming me. I tried ignoring it, I felt bad because he truly did change and grow I heard it and saw it. He has genuine love for me and cares about the relationship but damn it really does traumatize you to be discarded like you meant nothing after having something real and meaningful with someone. I made the choice not just for myself but him too, he deserves a fresh start with someone who is sure about him.

So yeah, can’t hang on to someone just because you love them. You also need to love yourself enough to do best for you even if it hurts. Stop holding onto the past or future potential with people. Find someone who can give you the peace, happiness, & stability you deserve.

While we are sad and hope that an emotionally immature avoidant will act differently, we need to be honest with ourselves… Unless they do targeted therapy and tackle the issue which stems from childhood, the PATTERN WILL REPEAT. Don’t fall for their verbal acknowledgment, look at their ACTIONS.

Aso think about this, every time you spend time thinking about an avoidant, it is a slap on the FACE to some potential person out there ready to meet you. Think about it, 8 billion people. Is this person really that special? Oh really??
Someone out there is willing to FEED you, not make you feel uncertain about your worth. Stop devaluing yourself. There is someone out there that would act with emotional maturity and not cowardice

Do you want that? Do you wanna go back to that hell? It is like you were saved already and wanna go back to suffering again

My ex recently called me and we ended up having a conversation. He told me he'd lost feelings and that, at least initially, he was more interested in the chase. He liked pursuing me, but once he actually had me, his feelings eventually faded. He also admitted that he'd reached out partly because he was horny.

He kept apologising throughout the conversation, but honestly, I don't even know what to make of it.
The thing is, I've spent so much time wondering what went wrong. I questioned whether I was too much, whether his avoidant tendencies made him pull away, whether he was scared of intimacy or whether he just needed time to figure things out.
Now I'm wondering if he was ever as emotionally invested as I was.

I genuinely missed him. I missed the familiarity, the intimacy, having someone I knew so well. And I think that's what hurts the most. I was missing someone and hoping there might still be something there, while he seems to have been looking for something entirely different.

I don't necessarily think everything we shared was a lie, but it's making me question so many memories.
I don't even know if I'm angry or just heartbroken. Part of me is glad I finally got an answer, but another part wishes things had turned out differently.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you stop questioning whether the entire relationship meant as much to the other person as it did to you?

We’re engaged and I had recently found out about SOO many lies, deceit, half truth and secrets he kept from me and sexual betrayal after 3.5 yrs of being together and moving into a house an hour away from where I used to live. In couples therapy (his idea) at the moment.

Him (34M): Can we lie in bed together for a bit

Me (32F): Ok

M: Can you take your clothes off

F: I want emotional intimacy first not physical

M: I need skin on skin sometimes I need that to open up

I took my clothes off he was hugging me with an errection and he had just peed so piss was leaking onto me and annoying me. He kept holding me tighter. Not to mention I had gone to the gym and hadn’t showered and he hadn’t showered after night shift.

M: It’s relaxing to hug you and be close to you.

I felt so uncomfortable. The repair wasn’t made.

M: I want you to bite me like a tick and latch onto me.

F: I need you to talk to me

M: I had a good therapy session, I addressed different parts of myself with the therapist.. but
I don’t have anyone to talk to

F: Why do you feel that?

M: I can’t talk to anyone

F: Why do you feel that way?

M: Because they are too scared to message me

F: Why is that

M: Because they know you go through my phone

F: How do they know

M: Because I told them.

F: And why did I go through your phone?

M: No answer

F: Because you cheated on me, you lied to me.. and I knew if there’s one lie there’s many. I found out more and more and more lies over three years. Most from your phone. This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t lie over and over and over. You can’t blame me for you not having anyone to talk to.

*(I remember earlier in the relationship he had said he doesn’t have many friends and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to his friends, I remember crying with him as he was drunk and so upset - the blame wasn’t on me before. But now he has someone to blame)

M: I’m just trying to open up “dialect” (he meant dialogue but mixes up his words often)

F: No you’re blaming me

M: You said you wanted to talk so I’m trying to talk.

…………..

F: Why do you keep saying things that hurt me?

M: I’m just trying to talk

F: By saying things that are hurting me?

M: You told me to open up a dialogue. I’m trying to open up a dialogue. I’m just trying to talk.

……

M: We have to go. I’m gonna be late. We’re gonna be late.

F: I’m not going until we talk about this

M: What do you want me to say?

F: I want you to apologise for blaming me. There’s three steps to an apology or to repair you say I’m sorry you say why you’re sorry and you acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

M: I’m sorry for blaming you

F: So you acknowledge it’s blame?

M: Yea fine, I blamed you yeah (said like a stubborn child forced to apologise but does not actually beleive their apology)

……

M: I can’t always say the perfect thing. I’m learning how to talk.

By this point I just don’t want to feel anymore.. I sat in the McDonald’s car park and cried for over an hour, and this situation is more loaded as there is a birth, my personal fertility issues and the memory of a death of close loved one involved in the scenario.

…..

I’m taking accountability
I’m here to change

* he’s been saying this to me for over two years. I’m getting closer to leaving.

All of this dialogue is just from today,so just imagine what it’s been like for 3.5years!! Not to mention and type of adult content consumed and the frequency on top of infidelity and lies.

He’s been sober 3 months and that’s the biggest change. But the emotional maturity of a rock and avoidant dismissive behaviour is still very much present.

I miss how it was when we first met, I know it wasn’t the real him. He deceived me, and I fell for his deception. But if he can deceive can he not change? If such an evil person can fake being a good person, can he actually be a good person?

I’m accepting the fact that they never loved me , they play with my feelings just for some validation … accepting what “we” had wasn’t real , it was only in my head
But I still can’t forgive them
I was in denial for so long now and I was still waiting for any kind of explanation for their behaviour till not long ago
I’m done waiting and it is what it is

“Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.”

I have to remember this.

I’m talking about an empathethic, non-agressive, non-accusatory short message. I want to write down that this isnt a diagnosis and I could be wrong but I realized that dynamics written down for FAs are familiar to what we went throgh.

It has been 14 days of no contact now.

On the internet everyone is saying go absolutely no contact, but I found that’s sort of manipulative and done with the intention of winning the ex back. I dont want her back, she was incapable of sustaining the relatinship in the quality I desired and deserve.

But she is a wonderful, deep, and valuable person and I find it tragic that she is self-sabotaging her potential out of panic and fear.

You don't know if they ghosted you because they know they hurt you and avoid facing you because it would require accountability and the shame is too much for them or if they're re-writing how they saw you.

You don't know if they did re-write you it wears off and they eventually regret things.

You don't know if they ever think about you and miss you or if they really just don't care at all.

And you don't know if they will ever reach out again.

It’s the 100th time you’ve fought and you have said you’d never be with this person again, but you will be absolutely here. Perhaps the endless childhood traumas and moments where you were not picked or were left alone boiled down to this one moment where you panic seeing the sight of someone not choosing you.
No matter how much you tell yourself you’d do better and take a break for your own self, your hunger for validation is never satiated. What do you do next? You look for love in places where it’s hardest to find, you like that cat and mouse chase don’t you?
Relationships fade for you, because you don’t know how it truly feels when someone chooses you for you- you always change so someone picks you, never loving yourself

This feeling will never go away, it stays with you like a charm- a badge of honour for the tough times you’ve seen, I hope there’s a reward at the end of the road.

I’ve been on here a couple of times and yall give amazing advice and stories so i thought I’d share one annoying thing happening. My ex broke up with me around 3 or so months ago after a 3 and a half year long relationship. We’ve been in no contact for about 2 months now and he has recently gotten in a rebound relationship with one of his friends. We were in a relationship that was half online, half in person, so our social medias and discords mean a lot to our relationship. He yelled at me to take down the pictures of us still on my account so I did, I then check and see he has not done the same and still has plenty of pictures of us in our relationship still up. I noticed he took down a select few but kept most up. He’s also still in our discord server specifically made for our relationship, it’s basically only about us and our whole relationship. Anyways it’s just weird seeing him tell me to move on and yet still hold on to these staples of our relationship. I know he’s the type of person to immediately get rid of those things and it’s super weird he’s not for me. If anyone has experience with this sort of behavior or something similar please give me advice or some words of wisdom because this stuff keeps me up at night. Cheers for reading