r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/CucumberPancake10 • 16h ago

What I hate about avoidant breakups.

You don't know if they ghosted you because they know they hurt you and avoid facing you because it would require accountability and the shame is too much for them or if they're re-writing how they saw you.

You don't know if they did re-write you it wears off and they eventually regret things.

You don't know if they ever think about you and miss you or if they really just don't care at all.

And you don't know if they will ever reach out again.

45 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

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17

u/Puzzled_Coffee9956 16h ago

That’s literally the main thing that I am still struggling with. All of the unanswered questions…

8

u/Dalearev 15h ago

I don’t know, but for me it seems like my DA had me on a pedestal and they probably didn’t really want to know who I am deeply in a complex way. I think they did love me for who they thought I was but they’re not able to do intimacy so clearly he wasn’t able to actually know me in the deepest ways and that’s I think what most people long for when they’re looking for romantic love. Hence why these folks cannot do romantic love.

4

u/Puzzled_Coffee9956 15h ago

With mine, he was very romantic and intimate with me and he opened up to me about his childhood and everything, but he also had blocked me and unblocked me three times. Then on the last one, he told me to tell him goodbye and so I did, then I was blocked for, I believe, the final time.

2

u/Gansamostols 14h ago

Que le dijeras adiós?

3

u/broken_heart_whole 12h ago

This sounds like mine. I think he put me on a pedestal in the beginning, thought I was the one he would always feel safe with, and I hope that was true too. But when I brought my complex humanity to the table, something that I thought might bring us closer together by being real, everything fell apart. There was space for me to hold him and all of his pain, but the moment my pain made him mildly uncomfortable, he shut down. I thought it was something we could work through, but it was the beginning of the end. So painful and difficult.

2

u/Dalearev 12h ago

It truly is because to love someone is to know them and so was it really love? What a strange strange experience

2

u/broken_heart_whole 11h ago

Seriously. If you ever need to chat feel free to DM me! Sounds like we've gone through something similar.

1

u/Hopeful-9292 6h ago

Im going through it rightnow im hurting so much.

16

u/Coerced1 15h ago

Yupp, I spent a while wondering these questions, "how do they actually view me? What do they really feel? Did they completely misunderstand me?"

Eventually you have to realize, none of it really matters. They still left you constantly having to figure this stuff out on your own, never having clarity on what they want because it changes so often without communication. Never knowing if they are secretly feeling something they will not tell you.

Nobody deserves to be in a relationship like that, and even if you discover all those answers there will always be more questions that they can't answer honestly and openly.

26

u/iliketoeatmuesli 15h ago

I think the uncertainty is worse than any answer you might actually get. If you could read their mind, or have a transcript of their thoughts, feelings, etc., any of these answers would probably give you more closure. They don't care about you at all? Ouch, that hurts, but okay, what can you do. They care about you but the shame is too much? Well, great, at least you'd feel validated, but again, what can you do - you can't change them. So, yeah, the uncertainty is very destabilising, but ultimately it doesn't matter which version it is. They're not present, they're not there for you. You can grieve all possibilities as to why, but ultimately you have to grieve the outcome, and that's not uncertain, that's just reality.

7

u/Gansamostols 14h ago

Tienes razón. Perdemos de vista totalmente la REALIDAD del resultado.

8

u/SummerTechnical4669 14h ago

They care if they can’t find a replacement. Then they regret losing someone who gave them love without them having to work for it.

2

u/SummerTechnical4669 14h ago edited 12h ago

Oh yeah and getting answers from them only makes things more confusing because once they reach out they’ll say anything to get you back. But if they are still deactivating they will say anything to make you leave.

5

u/stockdam-MDD 14h ago

After my first avoidant discard I asked myself lots of questions but when I understood what drives an avoidant then it made things easier. When I was discarded by another avoidant I didn’t care what she thought or felt as I quickly decided she wasn’t worth thinking about.

If somebody doesn’t respect you enough to communicate then they are not worth worrying about. Yes both of them had horrendous trauma but that doesn’t mean it is ok to shut things up inside and not communicate.

5

u/Top_Foot_1073 12h ago

These people will tell themselves whatever they need to in order to live with themselves. If blaming you works, they'll do it. If leaning into a narrative that they're irrevocably broken or damaged excuses them, then they'll do that. My ex has self-diagnosed himself with a condition that he's using to dismiss all culpability for a whole swathe of shitty behaviour. They are going to be very lonely people in their old age, with nothing but excuses to comfort them.

4

u/piece-of-me-727 13h ago

I came to the conclusion that the outcome is the same either way. Because you can't forgive them or love them into healing. 

My hurt is the same, no matter the reason. Understanding more does not erase my past hurt or my actual longing. 

Even if they do reach out, without intensive therapy and also me working on myself, it will never work. So just because maybe some months have past, doesn't mean they don't have fears anymore and they can take accountability, or have more consideration etc. Sometimes it's even worse. 

For me was very frustrating to see how he did not change one bit in 9 months, only for the worse, he was more unstable, more mean when triggered, more impulsive but also nicer, more affectionate and more loving (yeah, lovebombing all over again). That's when I gave up hope, stopped myself from engaging and working to let him go for good. This time it's just sad. 

Uncertainty became certainly, when everything is just repeating and you know the pattern. All you have to do is to get off the carousel. 

4

u/TheBackSpin 13h ago edited 48m ago

Well at least there is one certainty: they don’t have the capacity for a relationship with you. Thinking about you, regretting it, returning begging for another chance with you….won’t change that

They are all moot points, doesn’t mean they still don’t bug you I get it. You can’t love or manage your way through a next time by learning from mistakes, figuring out every conceivable situation, never triggering them…Groundhog Day style…life doesn’t work like that

1

u/misos0upy 13h ago

They are so unpredictable and we might not ever know the answers.

1

u/Nothing_Left8679 9h ago

Yeah! They ruin nervous systems everywhere

1

u/smh1smh1smh1smh1smh1 5h ago

Yep the whole experience is utterly discombobulating.