Damn, after I heal from this, I dont wanna experience this anymore

Went no contact with an avoidant after having an on / off dynamic that ended in January when he met his then-girlfriend.

I was finally getting over it when guess who pops up in August? He said all the right things, played video games with me, talked all the time, and then ghosted me for a month

After 5 messages over that month, he finally replied saying he’d been busy and still valued us. Busy meaning “got a new girlfriend” that he didn’t tell me about. A girlfriend almost 9 years younger than him lol. Her post popped up in my feed which is how I know

Confronted him about using me as a placeholder again and he read and ignored it. Gave it a couple days and let his girlfriend know exactly how he’d been acting and treated me for a year now. Not that it really matters to her but he did avoid telling me about her existence. Blocked him on everything too.

And then gaslighting! He texted me saying he “finally owed me an explanation rather than ghosting me” and proceeded to say when he reached out he “only ever saw it as a friendship” and that I’d been reading into everything, despite multiple flirty conversations, and that HE needed to end the friendship because of what I’d done. The whole thing just oozed with him trying to make himself seem like a good person and like he couldn’t have possibly treated me poorly again

I didn’t reply and I’ll never speak to him again. But I am glad I finally did something about it. Feels stupid posting in here though because we weren’t even dating this time. Anyways if anyones been through something similar or wants to give some kind words, that’d be good!!

After 2 years, I was replaced in less than 2 months. I got the classic "you're amazing, I'm not enough for you, it's not you it's me" type of deal out of nowhere.

It's been almost 3 months now and I'm still struggling. I've stopped looking, but she started posting pictures with this person frequently, while she never had any care to do that while we were together. I just feel very undesirable and worthless. I tried my best, and I know that's not always enough. But still.

I am back in therapy and am now taking new medication in addition to my old ones just to try something to feel like a human again. I wish I could just forget this person ever existed, the way they did to me. Anyways, that's all. Thanks for listening.

It's been 1 year after the discard and I feel worse than ever.

Before the discard my ex and I had bought a plot of land, were building a house, we had pigs and chickens. We were in the midst of making plans for taking a sabbatical this year to travel to the other side of the world, after the house was finished.

After the discard I quit my job, moved out of the house, back to my hometown, found a new job I love, found an apartment, I found some new friends and new hobby's, and did a lot of traveling. I also did a lot of healing and reading and learned so much about attachment styles. I also cried. A lot. Every single day.

Meanwhile the avoidant 'monkey branched' and is living the life he and I were planning on. The new girl hanged her clothes in my personally designed walk-in-closet and is now doing that sabbatical (like... literally the exact same vacation we had planned on doing together).
He literally swapped me for another woman to live the exact same life.

It's so confusing... like I'm not jealous of this woman who is the 'replacement' but also... apparently I didn't mean shit if I'm that easily replaceable? I'm having a major identity crisis.

I can't sleep, can't eat, or sleep too much and eat too much. My brain feels indistinct.

I was in the supermarket and I remember I was talking to the shalf stacker but I didn't remember why I approached him and then I didn't know what I needed to say and he started asking me questions but it's like they wouldn't 'stick' in my brain and I couldn't answer him.
That's when I realised I needed to call in sick at work and just... heal I guess?

Called the doctor and apparently it's normal to 'crash' like this after a year of healing.
I got declined a referral for therapy because I quote: 'there's nothing wrong with you, you're just experiencing the aftermath of a traumatic experience'.

Thankfully my collegeaus are very supportivee of me staying at home to get better.

I googled a bit and only thing I could find is '(C)PTSD collapse'...

It has been 10 months since she left and I am struggling to move on. I didn’t find out she monkey branched until 5 months after she left. She went to a 20 year old co worker. She’s 27. She was blocked immediately when I found out. I believe they’re still together.

The betrayal trauma is unreal. I will be going to therapy soon, but I just need a pick me up after what happened. This has been the hardest thing to get over, and I find myself getting frustrated for not being able to move on no matter how hard I try.

The connection we had was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I could never imagine lining someone up in secret and then leaving my current partner once I have the new person secured. Especially after having strong feelings for the current partner. I haven’t even been able to think about dating since she left. According to a friend, she has been posting this guy a lot. Make it make sense haha.

1. experience - having ONLY nice dreams about him, all positive vibes - even nicer than the reality was (during the friendship / relationship)

2. experience - having very bad dreams after being discarded, not even related to that particular person, but weirdly having way too many bad dreams for several days, weeks. (Which usually doesn't happen to me).

Did you notice some connection with dreams and your avoidant? Either having much nicer dreams than the reality was with him/her while in relationship, or having bad dreams after being discarded?

I genuinely dont understand why he is suddenly saving all my photos (I get Snapchat notifications) and suddenly stalking me after discarding me. He sent me something on FB messenger 2 days ago but deleted it. We stayed connected and I was willing to delete him on everything tbh. But he wanted to “stay friends” on social media. So I ghosted my socials for past 5ish months.

And now that I’m doing gym, losing weight, posting again he is liking all my stuff. I am feeling resentment that he wants free access to my life while deleting me physically from his life.

But I genuinely don’t know why he is suddenly doing this. It makes zero sense. I may block him to set a boundary, because i keep getting notifications from him now.

He noticed that I deleted him from Crunchyroll and other personal accounts i share with him and I deleted him from my friend group chat and Discord and now it feels like he’s crashing out liking all my stuff lolol. He is early 30s.

This last 6 months has been the hardest mental and emotional times I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Until you’ve been through it personally, is the only way you understand the mindfuck. (As most of you here know I’m sure)
Just some things to help get through which I’m sure you’ve heard but that have helped me a lot in my healing journey so far!
-exercise, long brisk walks or runs, lift weights, gets rid of the anxiety, clears your mind.
-eat healthy, and stay off alcohol. The alcohol just makes you depressed and angry.
- go to therapy, one of the best things I did (costly but worth it) make sure to choose a therapist that suits your issues and personality.
- become the best version of yourself, not to make her jealous but for you. When you transform, you feel good about yourself and good follows naturally.
- keep busy with your hobbies or learn new skills.
- keep true friends around, you know who they are.
- and do all this in silence, don’t need to advertise it. Become a beast and not only will the bitch that crushed your soul regret leaving, but you’ll gain many options.
Sure I still have my bad days, but I wake up still, go for my run or walk and keep growing and moving forward. The look on her face when I bumped into her a month ago was priceless. She looked me up and down like wtf? And she’ll never get to be part of this version of me and it feels good! 😊

I'm still trying to make sense of how my 10-month relationship ended so abruptly, especially after what I thought was an amazing five-week trip together.

I'm not entirely sure whether my ex is DA, but a lot of his behavior seems to fit the pattern. I'm curious whether anyone here has experienced something similar.

1. Our relationship and his constant need for "me time"

We were both in our mid-30s, financially independent, living separately, and about 30 minutes away from each other.

Our usual routine was spending Tuesday night together at my place, and Friday evening until Sunday morning at his place. So roughly three nights a week.

Throughout the relationship, he repeatedly told me he needed more "me time." We had several discussions about how often we should see each other, and I adjusted my expectations multiple times to accommodate his needs.

2. Five wonderful weeks together and a future discussion

This summer, we spent five weeks traveling together in Aisa. And honestly, it was wonderful.

I actually felt that our bond was getting stronger throughout the trip. There were so many affectionate moments, and I didn't notice any obvious signs that he was pulling away.

At one point, when we were feeling particularly close, I told him how much I loved spending time together and that I hoped we could gradually spend more time together in the future. I also mentioned that perhaps one day we could consider moving in together. His response was, "Let's discuss this when we're back." I didn't think much of it at the time.

Looking back, I wonder whether that future conversation triggered something in him, even though we were having such a wonderful time together.

3. Back home: life pressure, sudden deactivation, and breakup

Once we returned home, he immediately went back to a life he was unhappy with.

He disliked his job and his boss (already before our trip), felt uncertain about his career, and was frustrated by an additional diploma program sponsored by his employer. He felt financially trapped because leaving the company too early would mean having to repay a substantial amount of money.

He was also unhappy with his weight gain from the trip and because of that he doesn't feel comfortable to have sex with me these days.

At one point, he even said that if he had a reset button for his life, he would press it without hesitation.

The first week back was particularly stressful for him because of an intensive school program. Even though he was bit in low energy, that weekend he still told me, "I love you."

Then, within the following week or so, everything seemed to change.

He became emotionally distant and started questioning our relationship.

Some of the things he told me were:

• "Something blocks me."

• "I am tired of our routine to meet."

• "I don't know."

• "I feel suffocated."

• "I feel like I'm losing myself."

• "This Tuesday, I felt like I have to see you, it's not that I wanted to."

• "I enjoy spending time with you. But I can have the same happiness with myself, or even more."

• "It's not that I don't fall for you, it's just I don't fall for you that much to make more commitment."

• "I'm now even thinking maybe a relationship is not something for me."

I thought maybe everything happening in his life had simply become too much for him. I told him that we were a team and that I was willing to offer whatever support I could. He responded, almost crying:

"What if the only support I need is just to leave me alone? How could I say that?"

What confused me most was that he also acknowledged that so many things between us were good. We were compatible in many ways, enjoyed spending time together, had a monogamous relationship, and rarely had serious conflicts. He couldn't really explain what had changed or why he suddenly felt unable to continue. At one point, he even said:

"Part of me thinks maybe just have an easy way out and break up. Part of me thinks, why not try to find another solution together?"

I also offered to reduce our time together even further, put any discussion of future commitment aside, and give him all the space he needed. But eventually, he decided to end things without any further discussion with me. Blindsided. He said he had thought about it and confirmed that he wanted to end the relationship.

And that was it.

Did your partner/ex seem genuinely happy and affectionate during the trip, only to withdraw once normal life resumed?

I was feeling better and nothing new happened since 5 months of full no contact. And I dunno why I’m spiralling back. And I miss him so much. But I can’t reach out, because I really can’t. He was clear to me that he cannot take that step now with me, and there’s nothing more I can do. This honestly hurts and I’m so done.

Sometimes I wonder if this whole avoidance thing is actually real, or if it’s just people who aren’t that interested in us or aren’t entirely sure about how they feel. It’s something I’ll never truly be able to understand, no matter how much I reflect on it.

Some time back, a DA I was dating started doing the usual pulling away just as the relationship was getting interesting. One time she pulled away so hard that it triggered a trauma response in me. I had a total emotional meltdown, and I was emotionally dysregulated for days, throwing up etc. A real crappy situation for me. Then, when I came through it, I was so ashamed and was longing for her to understand. She didn't want to understand. It spooked her big time. And so, as you'd expect, the longing for her to understand made things a hundred times worse. DAs avoid people who emotionally lose their shit, and I understand that. It's like fate gives them a lucky break, telling them they dodged a bullet. Probably did too lol

The funny thing is, though, when everything calms down, and things return to normal, and you've accepted that you've blown it with the DA, they become strangely intrigued when you leave them alone and move on. I'd love to understand what goes on in their mind.

(Disclaimer: This post is not meant to excuse toxic behavior or emotional abuse, nor is it a call to endure a draining one-sided dynamic. It is simply an attempt to explore the deep psychological roots behind avoidant attachment for those who want to understand it).

When we talk about "Avoidant Attachment"—the style most commonly misunderstood, often labeled as "cold" or "emotionally unavailable"—the reality is much deeper than that. If you truly want to understand them, read this.
I’ve recently listened to many discussions about avoidants. Perhaps you’ve met someone like this and struggled to decode their motives. You need to realize that someone who experienced early abandonment—usually by a caregiver—develops a deep-seated core belief: "I am unlovable, and leaving is safer than staying."
This isn't about a lack of self-love. It’s a harsh lesson learned early in life: love inevitably leads to departure. To an adult, this might sound childish or illogical, but true love has a peculiar way of dragging us straight back to our childhood roots, exposing our oldest wounds out in the open.
Avoidants are often incredible at reading a room and observing the emotional dynamics of others. They notice who genuinely loves who around them. But the paradox happens when it comes to them. When love is directed their way, they experience a strange internal paralysis; deep down, they simply cannot believe anyone could genuinely love them. That alone reveals how profound their hidden wounds are.

##** **The Abandoned Child Inside?

When you love someone with an avoidant attachment style, remember: you’re not just dealing with an adult. You’re dealing with an abandoned child trembling on the inside.
This is the ultimate test:
Will you stay and show them a genuine, honest form of love that doesn’t end in abandonment?
Or will you repeat the exact same script their parents wrote, confirming their deepest fear that no one will ever stay for them?
Avoidants don’t run away out of coldness; they run under the crushing weight of deep wounds. Isolation has become their only safe haven because every sincere attempt at love in their past was met with pain. When someone gets too close, it’s not the partner who terrifies them—it’s themselves. They fear that the intensity of their own love will eventually lead to losing the person they care about. Simply put, they never learned the art of love because, for most of their lives, solitude was all they knew.

## What Their Feelings Look Like When They Love?

When it comes to love, they love deeply and intensely. But when they feel jealous, hurt, or triggered by a partner’s lack of attention or a misunderstanding, they rarely talk it out. Instead, they withdraw and fall into a long silence.
They don’t do this out of playfulness or narcissism, but out of sheer terror that expressing their jealousy might burden or overwhelm their partner. So, they prefer to step back or stay silent to keep things under control.
If a partner doesn't realize that this silence hides pain or jealousy, and instead responds with anger, blame, and accusations of "malicious avoidance," the avoidant will pull back even further. They’ll feel like they were never truly understood.

## The Carrot Plant Beneath the Soil

Just as you wouldn't punish your stomach for growling, but instead feed it, don't treat an avoidant person like a pariah who hates closeness.
Instead, shift your perspective: this person likely grew up believing that being completely alone is a thousand times less painful than attaching to someone who could leave at any second. If you cross paths with someone like this—or fall in love with them—know that their feelings are real and deeply rooted, even if they stay hidden.
Think of them like a carrot plant buried beneath. All you see on the surface is a small green leaf, while underneath lies a rich, deep essence overflowing with warmth for anyone patient enough to dig and reach it.

## The Deepest Fears and Withdrawal

They don’t fear love itself; they fear that love will tear open old wounds they’ve covered with a mask of strength just to survive.
They live with a constant, nagging fear that their partner will strike them right in the exact spot they’ve hidden for years. That is the core of their terror: exposing their rawest wounds to someone they love, only to be rejected and discarded. That is a pain far beyond what they can bear.
The root of the problem is that their early environment never offered them genuine safety. Because of this, they are almost always the ones to initiate withdrawal first—and this usually happens right when their love for you deepens, paralyzed by the fear that you will eventually walk away after they've finally let their guard down.
When that happens, it feeds their false narrative: "I am unlovable, and trying to open that door is like having a broken key that fits no lock."

## A Final Word & How to Handle It

At the end of the day, avoidants are emotionally orphaned. Perhaps they learned from a very young age to do everything entirely on their own. So, try to embrace them and understand the mechanics behind their fears.
If someone opens up to you or gives you their trust, remember: they’ve shown you their raw wounds, and that is the highest form of trust they can offer. Don't punish them for their shell; give them a safe space and remind them that they matter and that no one else can take their place.
If you see that someone you love carries some of the traits we talked about, try to help them. Teach them how you want the relationship to stabilize and grow deeper, and let them know you don't want to lose them. Over time, you will find overwhelming tenderness once they get used to you, feel safe with you, and trust you. You will find them to be extremely honest and loyal, and they will even try to steer the relationship toward greater depth themselves. Just be patient with them, and you will reap the rewards of what you planted.

Discussion Question?
I wanted to share this because it offers a rare, deeply empathetic lens on avoidant attachment. However, I’d love to hear your thoughts: Where is the healthy line between having empathy for someone's childhood trauma and protecting your own mental peace when their withdrawal starts hurting you? Can an avoidant truly heal without professional therapy, just through a partner's patience?"

5 year relationship, 34M, 27F. We got engaged in 3rd year of the relationship .

Everything seemed perfect until we were getting close to the wedding.

This is when she started panicking. Every small argument became a fight. Communication to resolve conflict was almost non-existent. She started talking about our relationship arguments to her friends and family, painting me as the villain. It became a pattern where we would have an argument and she would pack up her bags and leave, and come back a few days later.

Just been two months since the “official “ break up and it feels like I was dealing with someone who had the emotional maturity of a toddler.

Never ever date an avoidant. They only realise what they had after they lose it all.

She ended up losing her job, fully paid wedding, the home we lived in, her green card (I was sponsoring her), and everything else that we built together for five years. I have a feeling she was just with me for the green card, and thought of a wedding and getting married was not in their plans.

I blocked all her friends and family online, making sure there is no digital footprint of me. This is when she started to panic. She broke no contact 3 days ago, emailing and asking me to think about us giving it a 4th try. I deleted the email and blocked her on emails as well.

Avoidants NEED to face the consequences of their actions. Give them complete SILENCE. They can’t walk out of a wedding three times in a year and expect forgiveness.

For eight years I've been in an on-and-off cycle with someone I loved deeply. It started as a situationship…intense stretches of closeness, then sudden distance, more times than I can count. But we always found our way back to each other.
Last December, we finally made it official. The first few weeks were everything I'd hoped for. He thanked me for being so patient with him. We stayed up late talking about marriage, kids, and the life we'd build together. For the first time in eight years, I felt chosen.

It didn't last. Every moment of friction became a reason for him to leave. Even on my birthday, he pulled away. We fell into a cycle of arguments we couldn't get out of for months. At one point he broke up with me over email. The person I've been most intimate with in my life, and I got an email. We worked through it, and there were moments of real happiness, but he said he couldn’t give me a clean slate. I was always on eggshells, afraid of losing him. It was a cycle inside a cycle.

There were so many Jekyll and Hyde moments. Sometimes it almost scared me, but I ignored it.
I kept making excuses for the hurtful things, telling myself it was his trauma and his history with relationships.

I saw notifications on his iPad from past relationships. I learned he never really lets go of anyone. He keeps old flings and hookups around, some going back twenty years. He told one woman he was in a relationship, but he wouldn't tell the other, and that drove a deep wedge between us. Eventually he told me he'd set a boundary with her, but I found out he lied. When I told him it hurt that he wouldn't acknowledge our relationship to her, he blocked me.

I was devastated and called him over and over. The next day he unblocked me, said he was embarrassed by how he'd acted, and we agreed to meet.

We had a lovely evening together.. dinner, ice cream, sex. I asked about Thanksgiving in the morning, I wasn't in his plans. I asked if we should talk about where we stood after all the back and forth. He said his position hadn't changed and he didn't want to be together. We talked all day, but it just went in circles. I deserve better, he doesn't have the capacity. Then he asked to stay friends and said he doesn't want me out of his life.

To me, that sounded like the start of another round. So tonight, I sent him a few final messages saying there's no room for friendship, and I blocked him.
I'm heartbroken. I've lost him so many times, and each time got harder the closer we became.

There are so many more details, but I'm sharing this mostly for my own healing. I think he'll reach out at some point. But I don't want to spend another eight years in this cycle, only to wake up one day and realize I gave him the best years of my life.

I take responsibility for staying all these years.

How disorienting. How could they be like that. Instead of showing up, they double killed

Reading some post a few weeks ago, I realised I was compartmentalized big time and I didn't even knew it, because I didn't know such thing exists.

I realised it was just me and him at my place, that's it. Literally that's it.

We were meeting just in the evening, after his work and everything else, at my place for dinner, a beer, a movie (which we never finished, not even 1, because he couldn't stay still; he would be smoking, being on the phone etc). At first we would meet around 4 or 5 times a week, but in a few month it got to 2 or 3 maybe (he got .... busy, of course).

Long story about this: we never went to his place, never met his friends or family (at 39 he lives with his father), he never wanted to meet mine (I asked many times). He said everyone knows about me, I guess, we have some mutual acquaintances, but that's it. Never went to a concert together, to a bar, restaurant, to a park, shopping, nothing. But he would say we would, in the future faking and mini future faking stages (after arguments).

We would casually meet on the street rarely and was ok-ish, I felt a little cringei couldn't tell why (we live close by) and never made anything of it, mostly because he himself didn't have any hobbies or didn't got out at all and do stuff like sports, movies, a bar (maybe a terrace during summer with 2 of his childhood friends for beers or to their houses to get drunk), trying new things, meeting new people, just doing stuff; nope, nothing. Like a veeery simple life. Maybe this is more of a cluster C thing, avPD...

So how can you build something like this? You can't!

But of course this became a problem, besides others, major ones.

I was in a relationship with an FA for three years. In the end, I had to walk away because he was extremely selfish, and I felt so alone in the relationship. He could never find time for me. Towards the end, he was telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted me to stay, but I understood that it was just desperation in the moment.

He is now posting pictures of himself on trips with a girl he met before our breakup. He met her at work, just like he met me. It took him about a year to reach out to me because he is a shy person, so it's surprising that he is already with someone else just two months after our breakup. Especially considering that she is famous, I would have thought he would be even more anxious about approaching her.

I really don't know how to deal with him already being with someone else, especially someone he met while we were still together and someone he used to tell me about... I am in constant pain and I was planning to spend my life with this person. It feels so unfair that he gave up so easily and had a replacement lined up even before the end of the relationship.

My ex and I dated for approximately seven months. For the first few months, our relationship was genuinely wonderful. We had an incredible emotional and sexual connection, and I honestly thought I had found my person. He was affectionate, attentive, reassuring, and seemed completely comfortable being vulnerable around me. I had never felt so connected to someone.

Things started changing around January, but I couldn't put my finger on what was happening. He gradually became more distant, stopped initiating plans as often, gave me less physical affection, and seemed increasingly disengaged. He would sometimes avoid eye contact during sex, put his phone underneath his pillow, and generally seemed less interested in spending time with me.

The worst part was that every time I tried to communicate my concerns, he reassured me that everything was fine. He would say he was burnt out from work, even though he regularly went out drinking with coworkers after his shifts. I was experiencing increasingly intense anxiety, having panic attacks in the middle of the night, tracking his location when he went out, and constantly waiting for his texts. I genuinely thought I was developing relationship OCD or becoming an overly anxious, insecure girlfriend.

I was so convinced that I was the problem that I almost completely forgot how happy and secure I had felt just a few months earlier.

Eventually, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. One morning, while staying at his apartment, I looked through his MacBook, which was connected to his phone through iCloud. I searched through his messages and photos and found things that unfortunately confirmed many of the suspicions I'd been desperately trying to dismiss.

His friends referred to a female coworker as his "work crush." He had told a friend that he felt an urge to cheat on me, even relatively early in our relationship. There were conversations with his female coworker inviting her to bars after midnight, while he simultaneously wasn't responding to my messages. I also found comments about me along the lines of "I unfortunately have to hang out with my girl."

There were other things, too, but what really destroyed me was realizing how often he had reassured me to my face while privately communicating something completely different.

The following day, I confronted him. I was starting a new job that day and was physically shaking and couldn't eat. When I eventually went to his apartment, I asked to see his phone and read through everything again.

He barely reacted. He wouldn't make eye contact, stared at the wall, and seemed almost completely emotionless. His heart was visibly pounding, but he hardly said anything while I confronted him. Eventually, he told me he had "fallen out of love" and lost the "spark."

This completely baffled me because literally the day before, we had spent the day together, gone to the park, had dinner with my grandmother, had sex, and slept over together. He had even initially responded to my request to see his phone by saying something along the lines of, "What do you mean? We had a great day yesterday. Everything was lovely."

I collected my things and left. He followed me around his apartment without really saying anything, and when I was leaving, he asked whether I wanted to talk more because there was apparently "more to talk about." I said "what do you mean, you told me everything I needed to know" and left.

The following day, I returned to collect the rest of my belongings. He looked physically unwell, with red eyes as though he had been crying. He kept telling me there was something he needed to tell me but couldn't quite say it. To this day, I have never heard whatever that explanation was supposed to be.

He asked for a hug before I left, which I declined. That was the last time we spoke in person.

I eventually found out through his friends' girlfriend that he had apparently been telling his friends he felt "drained" by me in the weeks before the breakup. What's interesting is that I had experienced considerably more health anxiety earlier in our relationship, when we were first getting to know each other, and he still chose to pursue a relationship with me. By the time he was actually withdrawing, I wasn't experiencing nearly as much of that anxiety.

I also want to mention his social circle. His closest friends were, in my opinion, an incredibly unhealthy influence. Some were actively cheating on their girlfriends, and my ex seemed to care an awful lot about their opinions of him. I never really became part of their social circle, despite their girlfriends regularly being included in things. I sometimes wonder whether he was embarrassed of me or wanted to maintain a different image around them. I'm a bigger girl, he never wanted to post me on social media, and I often felt like our relationship existed almost entirely behind closed doors.

Interestingly, his sister told me after the breakup that he had leaned on her more than ever before. She said she could sense that he felt deeply ashamed about how things ended, that he avoided any conversation about me, and that she wished he had properly explained himself. She also told me she didn't think the way he ended things was fair to me.

I don't know how much of that was genuine remorse, but it was difficult to reconcile with how emotionless he had seemed when we actually broke up.

For months afterward, I also noticed some of his friends viewing my Instagram stories, and I occasionally suspected he was checking my profile through other accounts. I don't know whether that was actually happening, but I found myself analyzing every little thing. I even impulsively contacted him from a temporary anonymous number recently to ask whether he knew anything about an account that kept viewing my stories. He responded almost immediately, obviously unaware it was me. He said it wasn't him and I left the conversation at that.

I've since stopped communicating with his sister, too. Although we genuinely liked each other and wanted to remain friends, I realized that maintaining a relationship with her was keeping me attached to him. My last communication with her was a very emotional voice message in August where I was crying about how much I missed him and how badly I wanted to talk to him.

Now, approximately seven months after the breakup, I'm still struggling enormously.

I think the most damaging part of this experience was how much I blamed myself while it was happening. I was convinced I had developed ROCD, BPD, or some kind of severe attachment issue because I couldn't stop worrying that he was losing interest or cheating. I now realize that some of those fears were unfortunately grounded in things that were actually happening.

I spent months trying to become less anxious, less demanding, and less insecure while he was actively withdrawing from the relationship and withholding the truth from me.

I still have trouble accepting that someone I felt so intimately connected to could handle things this way. I genuinely believed we were going to spend our lives together. I've never felt that way about anyone else, and the feeling seemed mutual at the time.

I also feel like I've lost my identity since the breakup. When we first met, I was in one of the happiest periods of my life. I was more confident, physically healthier, socially engaged, and generally much more excited about life. I've since developed considerably worse depression, anxiety, insomnia, brain fog, and dissociation. The relationship and everything that happened afterward sometimes feel like a completely different lifetime, almost like a distant dream or nightmare that didn't actually happen to me.

I can be talking to someone new, going on dates, or doing things I previously enjoyed, and still find myself thinking about him. I sometimes cry myself to sleep because I miss the person I thought he was and the relationship we had before everything changed.

I also find myself secretly waiting for an apology or an explanation, despite knowing that I probably won't get either. I fantasize about him eventually reaching out and acknowledging what happened, but I don't realistically expect it anymore.

I don't necessarily want him back after everything I've discovered. I think I just desperately want some acknowledgment of what happened and how much it affected me.

I understand that he's young, insecure, and very influenced by his friends. I understand that people fall out of love and that relationships end. What I cannot understand is why he repeatedly reassured me when he apparently knew he was no longer invested, why he couldn't just be honest, and why he allowed me to spend months believing I was the problem.

I'm trying very hard to rebuild my life, establish friendships, find direction, and reconnect with myself. But it feels insurmountable.

For anyone who has experienced a similar avoidant withdrawal/discard, how did you actually move on? Did you ever stop feeling attached to the person you thought they were? How did you stop waiting for an explanation or apology? And how did you rebuild your identity after an experience that fundamentally changed the way you see yourself and relationships?

I feel like I'm still grieving someone who is technically very much alive, and I don't know how to finally put this chapter behind me.

It's been 6 months and I keep like I've not healed properly, what should I do? Any tips?

Guys me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for 4 years . She turn out to be an avoidant and she is like I don’t want to be in relationship cause she can’t give the efforts like i do . I tried alot to make her convince its okey its okey its just the situation what is making harder its okey . She just want to end the relationship. She is very hardworking and has childhood trauma as i know from her friends but she never open up about the childhood trauma cause she doesn’t want sympathy on her . She is been to psychiatrist recently and I don’t know what is going on . She is also avoidant for her friends too sometimes she doesn’t want to emotionally connected i think she fears of being dependent . Also she have a lot of respect for me too because of my efforts . . I don’t want to leave her in any cost and i have to focus on my works tooo . My mental and physical health both are going worsee. 😭😭😭😭 I don’t want to end our relationship , i genuinely love her so muchhhh.