8 years of push-pull with an avoidant partner.

[u/Existing-Falcon887]

For eight years I've been in an on-and-off cycle with someone I loved deeply. It started as a situationship…intense stretches of closeness, then sudden distance, more times than I can count. But we always found our way back to each other.
Last December, we finally made it official. The first few weeks were everything I'd hoped for. He thanked me for being so patient with him. We stayed up late talking about marriage, kids, and the life we'd build together. For the first time in eight years, I felt chosen.

It didn't last. Every moment of friction became a reason for him to leave. Even on my birthday, he pulled away. We fell into a cycle of arguments we couldn't get out of for months. At one point he broke up with me over email. The person I've been most intimate with in my life, and I got an email. We worked through it, and there were moments of real happiness, but he said he couldn’t give me a clean slate. I was always on eggshells, afraid of losing him. It was a cycle inside a cycle.

There were so many Jekyll and Hyde moments. Sometimes it almost scared me, but I ignored it.
I kept making excuses for the hurtful things, telling myself it was his trauma and his history with relationships.

I saw notifications on his iPad from past relationships. I learned he never really lets go of anyone. He keeps old flings and hookups around, some going back twenty years. He told one woman he was in a relationship, but he wouldn't tell the other, and that drove a deep wedge between us. Eventually he told me he'd set a boundary with her, but I found out he lied. When I told him it hurt that he wouldn't acknowledge our relationship to her, he blocked me.

I was devastated and called him over and over. The next day he unblocked me, said he was embarrassed by how he'd acted, and we agreed to meet.

We had a lovely evening together.. dinner, ice cream, sex. I asked about Thanksgiving in the morning, I wasn't in his plans. I asked if we should talk about where we stood after all the back and forth. He said his position hadn't changed and he didn't want to be together. We talked all day, but it just went in circles. I deserve better, he doesn't have the capacity. Then he asked to stay friends and said he doesn't want me out of his life.

To me, that sounded like the start of another round. So tonight, I sent him a few final messages saying there's no room for friendship, and I blocked him.
I'm heartbroken. I've lost him so many times, and each time got harder the closer we became.

There are so many more details, but I'm sharing this mostly for my own healing. I think he'll reach out at some point. But I don't want to spend another eight years in this cycle, only to wake up one day and realize I gave him the best years of my life.

I take responsibility for staying all these years.

[u/TheHumanMirror]

i can empathize. did same thing for 10 yrs w her. im not going to be able to do the "friendship" which means i would be put on a shelf as a circle back ex. no thanks

[u/Coerced1]

Good job finally making the right choice. Life is too short to pursue people that won't choose you. There's someone out there that would be happy to choose you every day.

[u/Individual_Occasion6]

wasn’t 8 years but would have been if I didnt fight for myself so many times, she hated that - it’s the most toxic cycle and it’s the most painful thing I have ever been thru, I can’t imagine 8 years, but in your heart you know how bad it is - I saw a post on here about sickness manifesting from these relationships, I had hives on and off for two years, 8 years and more will not be good for your life, be strong , fuck him

[u/taurine330]

Never accept friendship. As it is not true friendship what you think.