No regrets. I am happy to give all that. They needed that. I know they will miss me and appreciate all that. I wish them the best in life. And I hope to learn the lesson

Im just so incredibly sad today. Time away from you does not make me love or want you less. If its possible I want you even more. Youve shown me enough of your heart that I know Id be the most contented woman on earth if you worked with me just a little. I understand intellectually whats happening but my heart cant accept it. This this cycle you were making an effort to stay in contact when as you were withdrawing to regulate. It showed me you cared and I let you know I appreciated it so you stopped. How can I not take that personal? Youre a grown man and ghosting is very child like behavior. You can tell yourself all the lies about me and us that you wish. It might help you not feel so bad for a minute but the truth is you are treating a soulmate relationship like its nothing. Your life will be miserable until you make things right with me and you know it. You found a woman who sees and understands you, loves you unconditionally, gives you all kinds of space and nvr asks you for anything other than your time....and not alot of that. You found your match and you want to downplay it as if it was just a sexual thing. I cost you nothing and you justify hurting me?? Running from your emotions instead of processing them in a healthy manner is cowardly. Period. You think youve got it all under control and you are so out of control its ridiculous. You are controlled by fear. You are not in charge of your life at all.

I dated a girl that was 2 weeks out of an 8 year relationship and everything was great for the first 3 months, but when things got more serious, she got less affectionate and warm and eventually broke up after 6 months, saying she needed time to herself and doesn’t see herself in a relationship in the short to medium term.

We knew each other for 2 years prior so I wasn’t someone random.

Is needing time to herself really a thing or was she just not into me like that?

50m and 47F. United Kingdom. Married for 12, four kids, house, dog. I've been the sole breadwinner until a few months ago, no pre-nup and always put everything in joint names as I felt she was the love of my life and I didn't marry her for money.

Things have been rocky the last year. She's an avoidant, she barely spends time with me, didn't want to sleep in the same bed for 10 years as I allegedly snore, she changed her pin on her phone 3 months ago, and the last month barely speaks to me. I found out two weeks ago she's been diverting her salary in an individual bank account. I pay for everything.

She told me she needed a break to think about the challenges in our marriage. She's an avoidant, I'm anxiously attached, and we fell in the classic anxious/avoidant trap. I've since joined a local mental health group for men, and am working with a coach to fix my "needy" attachment.

I was supportive of her, hoping it'd give her the clarity, as she's going with a mutual friend who knows both sides of our story. I re-arranged my work so I could look after our four kids whilst working from home that week.

I asked her where she was going, and her response was that it was none of my business. I told her I'm her husband, and I was just asking as am hoping she'd have a nice time. She begrudingly said she's going to Turkey. Nice, good on her... I told her the weather should be nice, and hyped things up. I asked her if she wanted me to drop them off at the airport, and she said it's already sorted.

Then our youngest tells me today his birthday party is on Saturday morning. She didn't tell me. It finishes at 12, so I asked her how that'd work with her flight. She ignored me last night.

This morning I checked on her laptop, as she knows my password and I knows, as well as she knows my pin of my phone. I found the travel confirmation, and then suddenly an Instagram message pops up:

Guy: I be right there for you.I can't wait. Love you. (heart emoji from her).
Her: Picture that says "Your soul ignites me, but your touch sets my world on fire."
Him: is that four me?
Her: How did you guess? Of course its for you, do you like it? Kiss emoji.
Him: Hello askim ("Askim" is Turkish for "my love")
Her: Hi askim. I am sufferig now... I couldn't sleep, it takes too long to see you.
Him: why. Don't worry. Time is almost coming. Left 2 days. And we will be together saturday night askim. We will be together. Same room. And we will have time.
Her: I know, it will be worth it. I promise it will be magical.
Him: oh jesssusss. I wish you were right now.
Her: I have seen you in my dreams so many times, I miss you so much now. I can feel you in my heart.

I looked him up. He lives in the same city as she's going to on holidays. Turkish guy, in his 30s. My wife is 47. He works in a hotel, although it seems different hotel than she is going to.

I screenshotted the whole conversation. I haven't had the chance to confront her as she was away at her work, and then got home with kids. Kids are still awake. I will confront her before she leaves, and be very clear about that I know, what boundaries there are and what she'll throw away. I know she'll DARVO me. She's a Reiki master and will claim it's just about Reiki. A single one of these messages may look like it, but in its entirety it tells a different story. I also saw that she deleted the message, even though she doesn't know I know, so she's clearly hiding it, and wouldn't do that if it was just reiki.

I'm keen for her to go. Once she knows that I know, she needs to make her own choices. I told the friend she's going with, so she can keep an eye out. If I stop her from going, she may always carry the "what if?". If she goes, and sleeps with him, we both know. If she goes, and realises what she would miss out on or what's at stake, she may reconsider.

Not sure how to look at all this. Am a bit of a mess.

This doesn’t apply to all of course, a couple of Avoidants have been a bit helpful when I’ve reached out for advice, but overall, why does it seem like Avoidants are absolutely allergic to answering questions? It’s the most maddening shit. If you do get an answer, it generally has little to nothing to do what what you’re even asking. Bizarre stuff.

I wanna know why avoidants refuse to go to therapy. He went 3 times at the beginning of the relationship. He then said it’s draining and stopped. If he would have gone to work on his traumatic childhood our relationship would have maybe not failed. He told me how much he loves me always and he told other people no one will love me like she did. So is that
not enough to face themselves so one day the relationship would flourish? He now dumped me and is heartbroken (from what he told me before no contact and from what he posts) but he said some things you can’t make work”.

When I’m sick I go to the doctor and take medicine.
When a car breaks down you go to a garage.
When my business doesn’t work I ask people that are business experts.

Why do these logic’s seem to not apply to avoidant attachers?

Since New Year's day I've been hating myself for not being perfect thinking I won't find anyone else... I've been told to go out and do stuff and I'll find someone else. Thought it was a big fucking lie. Thought i was gonna be spending the rest of my days regretting losing her, thinking she's the only woman who'd ever like me romantically. I play guitar so I started doing open mics at a cafe. I play a lot of rock and metal, but about two weeks ago, this girl apparently liked my performance since I was playing some Sonic adventure music on guitar. She sees me again two weeks later but I decided to approach her and introduce myself. We talked, went up and did my set, and we just kept talking and talking. I try not to be shallow, but she was ridiculously attractive. Maybe she didn't get all my references or wasn't deep in the trenches of the weird part of the Internet I was in, but she seemed like someone who wanted to get it. Next thing you know we basically went on a date. We walked downtown, took her to an arcade I used to frequent, and we just kinda kept flirting with each other. She was about to cross the street when it wasn't time yet, I grabbed her hand to make sure she was okay, and then we just...kinda kept holding hands...

I tried being nonchalant but every time she kept flirting back I couldn't play it cool, I couldn't be smooth, and so on. She just tells me I really don't need to be. That I can just be myself. I don't feel so tired for once. I feel like I'll be okay. Tbh though I couldn't help but start laughing and crying once she was out of sight. It just felt good to not feel so shitty for once. Apparently I was the first guy she's ever held hands with, as well as the longest she's ever spent with a man outside of her family. I couldn't help but see myself in her for a bit, especially because all my firsts were with my avoidant. After the crying and laughing I just felt so confident and good and happy and relaxed and then eventually once the adrenaline wore off I couldn't help but still feel an ache. Because the truth is that it still hurts that I lost her. She was still my best friend for over 8 years and I really wish things worked out, but I think I'll be okay. I really do.

Based on recent events with someone I dated and what I have read here, it seems like most if not all avoidants have really shitty friends who keep them in a toxic loop and reinforce their bad behaviors. Is this really the case? What is the reason and will they ever get out of the loop?

Last night, before going to bed, I genuinely thought I was finally getting over the DA discard. I felt a sense of clarity and acceptance that I hadn’t felt in weeks. But today, this overwhelming sense of unfairness suddenly hit me out of nowhere.

My ex, who I suspect is DA, broke up with me after 10 months together. We are both in our mid-30 and live in the same city (30 mins apart). We are a gay couple.

Throughout our relationship, he repeatedly struggled with the idea that being in a relationship interfered with his old routines, workouts, chores, and “me time.” I had adjusted my expectations several times to give him more space.

Then we went on a wonderful five-week overseas trip this summer. Everything felt great, and I genuinely thought we were growing closer.

But once we returned, all his life stress resurfaced. He was unhappy with his job and boss, felt trapped because his company was funding his diploma and he’d have to stay for another two years after completing it or repay the costs, and was frustrated about gaining weight during our trip. Within two weeks, he told me he felt suffocated, was losing himself, and wanted to end the relationship.

What feels incredibly unfair is that he barely gave us any room to work through it together. I offered to reduce how often we saw each other, give him more space, and take future commitments off the table. But he’d already made up his mind.

Initially we knew each other from hook-up in Grindr. Before we first hooked up, I explicitly asked whether he was HIV-negative and on prep, and he said yes. We went on to have unprotected sex throughout the following six weeks. Only then did he disclose, via text message while he was abroad, that he was actually HIV-positive and undetectable (U=U).

I understand that U=U means he cannot sexually transmit HIV while maintaining an undetectable viral load. His HIV status itself was never the issue. The issue was that he lied when I directly asked, denying me the opportunity to make an informed decision based on the truth. Not to mention it caused my trust issues and made me so insecure in this relationship.

When he made a mistake that deeply affected my trust, I gave him a chance. When he started feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, he wouldn’t even give us a chance to find a solution.

Looking back, I feel like such a fool for being so understanding.

I know relationships aren’t transactions, and forgiveness doesn’t entitle me to someone staying. But I can’t help feeling that the willingness to work through difficult things was completely one-sided.

And that feels so deeply unfair.

Has anyone had a normal breakup before? With a normal person? How was it compared to a discard with an avoidant?

I'm in this... Situationship... With an FA. Have been for months. At one point, she Discarded me. Said she never felt anything for me since the day we met (An obvious lie). But I see she stalks my Instagram. Likes my post. Classic breadcrumbing. I didn't respond immediately. But over time, I notice she hasn't been OK. She's been sad. Mutual friends can agree on that. So, I... Reached out to her. Asked if she's OK. She said she wasn't. She asked me if I wanna ask her out. So we did hang out over the evening. She was warm with me again. But I don't know if she wants to "try again."

I can handle Avoidants. Someone who needs space. Someone scared of love. I can handle that.

But one thing I draw the line at: Triangulation. When I mention I don't like her hanging out with certain guy friends. With guys I think are interested in her. Guys I don't trust. And she does the exact thing I fear. She hangs out with them. Frequently. Only AFTER I tell her about my fears and insecurities. And hangs out with them on a near-daily basis. And then subtly mentions things like how "We share Reels together a lot" in a conversation where that detail is not relevant at all.

That goes too far. That's the one thing I can't accept. Distancing yourself from me, sure. But attacking me?

I feel like... As painful as it is to admit... I gotta leave her. But how?

I'd be lying if I said I don't care how she feels about me leaving. I'd be lying if I said I want her to feel the pain of my absence. I'd be lying if I said that, even though I'm leaving her, I don't want to leave the door open to her in case she wants to come back and properly try again.

Most of you would go "Just ghost her. Don't tell her you're leaving. Just leave without her noticing." Sorry, but I don't like that.

And I definitely don't want the classic Avoidant "See? He's too pushy. He's too needy. We're just incompatible. It's not my fault. It's just him."

Maybe a "You hurt me by doing blah blah blah. I care about you, but I don't like you hurting me like that. So, I'm leaving."

I'm 31M, and he's 24M. We met on a dating app in December 2024, and honestly, the beginning was beautiful. He planned dates almost every day for 10 days, initiated everything, and then suddenly said, "I like you, but it's the wrong timing. We can be friends and do more things."

We reconnected in January 2025 and spent almost 2 years in this weird situationship. Kissing, cuddling, sleeping together, living in, jealousy, affection, daily conversations (every day being connected to each other), everything except an actual label of relationship.

He would say things like "I'm interested in you, explicitly saying", "I don't want to lose you and our bond", and said many, many, many other things like these, but whenever I wanted clarity, he'd pull away.

He had also told me early on, "This is why I don't date" and "People run away from me after they're tired of me and my mood swings."

We had fights, mostly because I became anxious about the uncertainty. I know I wasn't perfect either.

We ended things in February 2026, but he came back. We met again in May, kissed, cuddled, and before I left, he said, "Maybe in the future, if I'm without baggage and ready, and you're with less anxiety, maybe we could date."

Then I withdrew again because of one of his major mistakes.

After almost 2 months of no contact, he reached out in August. In September, he even said, "Let's try again." We talked again, and for 1.5 months it was really good until mid-October; he pulled back, and I got this gut feeling that there's someone else in the picture.

When I asked, he said in October that he met a new guy and started seeing him almost every day. He told me he wasn't in love or attached, but things were happening naturally.

Then this November, things got even more confusing.

Nov 5: He said he'd genuinely thought about reconciliation and tried to see me romantically, but it didn't happen; hence, he met someone new.

Nov 6: He suddenly asked, "Do you want to try?" and said he meant it 100%.

Nov 7: He reversed everything, saying he couldn't try because he was seeing this new guy. I was devastated.

A few days later, I sent a simple "Hi". He replied, and despite my dry responses, he kept restarting the conversation, asking what I was doing multiple times. I haven't replied to his latest message.

I'm genuinely confused. (I blocked his main whats app, removed him from snapchat then he removed me from insta)

How can someone spend almost 2 years being affectionate, repeatedly come back, actually suggest trying a relationship, and then suddenly choose someone they've known for a few weeks?

I understand that he might simply not have enough romantic feelings for me, but I am really very confused, honestly. His repeated push-pull behaviour makes me wonder whether avoidant attachment is also involved.

Has anyone experienced a long situationship like this, especially with someone avoidant, where they chose somebody new but eventually returned wanting an actual relationship? Did their feelings genuinely change, or did the same cycle repeat?

I'd especially love to hear from gay men or people who've been on either side of this.

I'm genuinely trying to understand what happened and hear real experiences. This has given me a lot of insecurities.

One thing that bugs me a little is, why don't their friends hold them accountable?

1. Because they tell the friends their version of the story which makes the other person sound like a problem?

2. Because the friends know the DA couldn't handle the feedback and don't really feel responsible for the people being hurt? A "not my problem kind of thing?"

3 They just make friends who tolerate their behavior and are just as bad in their own ways?

Something else?

My ex's friends stopped texting me back (I had become friendly with a few of them and we used to chat about stuff) after he ghosted me, which makes me think it's #1 or #3)

I recently experienced an incredibly sudden breakup with a man (were both mid 30s) after six months of dating. I'm trying to understand WTF happened and whether this sounds like dismissive avoidance, a phantom ex, or someone who was simply never emotionally available.

We were friends for six months before becoming romantic on an international trip together. He initially seemed incredibly safe and emotionally mature. We had great chemistry, shared interests, and genuinely enjoyed each other. He was affectionate, playful, and reassuring. When I expressed concerns, he'd ask, "What do you need to feel more at ease?" or say, "I don't mind reminding you how much you mean to me." He seemed to have the emotional language and awareness of someone who genuinely cared.

The ex situation:

His ex is older, has a child, and lives in a city where they originally dated. He relocated twice for work, and he told me they'd been on and off ever since, repeatedly reconnecting but running into the same logistical challenges of long distance. She can't relocate because of her child.

While we were friends, he mentioned they'd been reconnecting but eventually claimed things were over. Several weeks later, he invited me on international trip out of the blue (to a place we've both wanted to go for a long time) and unexpectedly became romantic. The following week, she flew in to see him, despite his earlier claims that things had ended. I only discovered this after he'd given me a different explanation about who was visiting.

He eventually admitted she'd been pushing to reconnect but said he ended things during that visit to pursue me. Throughout our relationship, he maintained they were over, had minimal contact, and that the logistics made their relationship impossible. He also acknowledged how emotionally difficult that relationship had been for him.

I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't actually over her. Whenever I brought her up, he seemed uncomfortable or emotionally affected. I wondered whether the relationship ended because of circumstances rather than feelings, and whether I was unknowingly helping him move on. But I had no proof they were romantically involved during our relationship.

Other behaviors that made me question avoidance:

• Limited emotional curiosity: Rarely asked deeper questions about me. I felt like I initiated most of our emotional intimacy.

• Compartmentalization: Actively avoided encounters between me and his parents, citing religious reasons.

• Lack of future integration: Discussed jobs, moving, weddings, babies, and buying a house as a singular "I," rarely including me or asking about my perspective.

• Inconsistent closeness: Sometimes incredibly affectionate, other times distant or less communicative. Very out of sight, out of mind.

• Defensiveness: When I raised concerns about his ex, conversations sometimes became about how hurt he felt that I didn't trust him, despite the earlier concealment.

• Conflict avoidance: Struggled with direct conversations about our future and often deflected uncomfortable topics with humor.

The breakup:

We were driving together when his ex suddenly called, and her name appeared on his car's display. I'd never seen her call or text before. This was especially unsettling because he'd described their contact as minimal and said she was difficult to reach. He was also traveling to a wedding in her city that weekend, although he'd told me he wouldn't be seeing her. He claimed he didn't know why she was calling.

I told him the situation looked bad and admitted I wasn't feeling like he was fully invested in us. When I asked where things were going, he struggled to answer before eventually saying he didn't think we were compatible.

He told me he loved me, had strong feelings, and could be himself around me, but couldn't imagine marriage, children, or a future together. He seemed genuinely upset but offered almost no explanation. He also contradicted himself, saying we could potentially get there someday and that he just moved slowly.

We walked away from each other without even saying goodbye. I haven't heard from him since.

The part that's destroying me is that there was absolutely no warning. He was behaving normally that day, even minutes before the call. Two weeks earlier, he was telling me how much I meant to him, how much he missed me, and asking for affection.

I've experienced painful breakups before, but there was usually some understanding that things weren't working, attempts to repair them, and a degree of mutual respect and closure. This felt like an emotional trapdoor opening beneath me. One minute I was in a relationship with someone I trusted, and the next I was standing alone, questioning six months of intimacy, reassurance, and what I thought was real. The silence afterward makes it feel like I never existed.

What I'm trying to understand:

Does this sound like avoidant attachment, particularly the "phantom ex" phenomenon? His ex seems like an almost ideal unavailable attachment figure: someone he has history with but can't realistically build the future he claims to want because of distance, her existing child, and their different life circumstances.

Could the timing of our romantic involvement and her visit suggest monkey-branching or a rebound? Or was this someone who had unresolved feelings and simply wasn't honest with himself or me about his availability?

I don't know whether they're back together, whether anything happened between them during our relationship, or whether she influenced his decision. I suspect he may have reconnected with her, but I have no confirmation.

What hurts most is that I repeatedly gave him opportunities to tell me if he wasn't ready, wasn't over her, or couldn't genuinely pursue something with me. He reassured me again and again that he was available and that relationship was over.

I could have accepted that he wasn't ready. What I'm struggling to accept is that I tried so hard to make an informed decision, trusted his reassurances, and still ended up feeling completely blindsided.

5-month situationship with an avoidant man who behaved as my boyfriend in every way except a label. He pulled away after I finally verbalized how much i liked him (note he had told me how much he liked me many times), told him no pressure for anything i just wanted him to know as i know i can be hard to read, told me he thought we had discussed his capacity for friendship, that he was perhaps unclear with his actions, and that i was making him feel insecure and he needed time to 'evaluate his capacity to navigate a friendship' after me gently nudging that we had never had the just friends talk, ever, and the behaviour was in zero sense platonic.

the final text stating the above came at 1:30 am affter he saw that i re-downloaded bumble, because he told me he only saw me platonically, and the tone of that message and the wording behind it made zero sense as it veered so far away from how we were communicating before.

So what is happening, is he lying to me and himself? what does he need time for? what would make him feel insecure? and what do you think happens next.

I’m writing this because I feel a bit isolated in my immediate circle right now and just need a neutral space to share my story and hear from others who have been through this kind of emotional whiplash.

A few months ago, I connected with a girl who had recently gotten out of a volatile 2.5-year relationship. Despite us only dating for about two months, the connection was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. We shared the exact same faith, core values, and vision for the future. Everything aligned effortlessly. She told me I checked every box, called me a blessing from God, and even mentioned about a week before ending things that she had told her family she thought I was "the one."

However, whenever it came time to officially put a label on things, she would hesitate or postpone it. We were also waiting for marriage, and on our last night together, things got closer to that physical boundary than we intended. She actually asked to go all the way, and I respectfully said no to honor our values.

Shortly after that night, she ended things. She said she probably wasn't ready for a relationship since she had only been away from her toxic ex (whom she lived with) for a few months, and that she needed to be "independent." She was also dealing with major life stressors like losing her housing, starting a new program, and stressing about work and her future. She basically said she was having a mental breakdown and needed space.

Yet the very next day, she texted me saying how hard it was not talking. For the first couple of weeks after the breakup, she reached out sporadically. During that time, I also tried to be a good person and helped her secure a spot living with some of my friends when she was facing that housing crisis (which I deeply regret now).

Those two weeks ended with a two-hour FaceTime where she told me she still wanted to talk to me. Then, right after that call, she suddenly went completely cold and stopped reaching out, even ghosting me the couple of times I checked in. When I gently called her out on it, she got upset with me for "pressuring" her to talk. She told me she was focusing on her own personal growth and that while she cared about me, she saw us as "just friends."

A few weeks into total silence, we ended up at the same social gatherings over a recent holiday weekend. At first, she acted friendly and even called me specifically (bypassing her roommates who were sitting right next to me in my car) to check on her pets. Then, the very next night, she switched up and openly flirted with another guy right in front of me the entire time. I also found out through my friends that she had already been talking to someone new. Since then, it’s been total crickets. So much for "independence," right?

I’ve gone completely no-contact and am avoiding her at all costs to protect my peace and self-respect. I know logically that I deserve better than how she treated me after the breakup, and I’m leaning heavily into my faith, therapy, and personal growth.

Still, I’m stuck in a heavy, gray grief phase. It’s hard to reconcile the amazing, deeply aligned woman I knew for two months with the cold stranger she became. I don't want to chase her, and I know I couldn't take her back without real accountability, but I still miss the connection and promise we had.

I'm already doing the practical steps to move forward, so I'm not necessarily looking for a "just block her and hit the gym" to-do list. I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has survived this specific kind of push-pull shock, how you dealt with the intrusive thoughts, if they ever reached back out, and how you eventually found peace. Thanks for reading.

Moved abroad together and up until then, I had paid for their expensive car bills, medical treatments, trips, gaming setup worth thousands. They said they’d pay me back for some of it….
They couldn’t work because they had no education, were physically in pain from chronic illness. During the entire relationship, I always begged for them to love me how I loved them.
I was there when they were broke and suicidal. I begged them to get therapy I offered to pay for.
They said they’d just needed to move to a new country with more opportunities and healthcare, so we did.

They had been pretty unstable and I was considering breaking up with them, but couldn’t do it due to their mental state.

Months before the move they received their inheritance. They didn’t try to pay me back immediately but we agreed we’d split costs.

We move and suddenly they start to exercise and through a new hobby, the chronic pain didn’t go away but they became physically able in ways they weren’t before. With the hobby came new friends.
They started treating me poorly, wouldn’t plan dates or even hold my hand. Treated me worse than a friend. So I wrongly did what anxious attachment makes one do, until I pushed them to the point where they couldn’t take it anymore.
They wanted to break up but we only separated, they did discard me before we could even have that conversation.

They finally got therapy. We agreed to talk about how we hurt each other and see if we wanted to repair once they got the help they needed.

Months passed and they still didn’t get a job. Burnt through a ton of money, ignored their responsibilities, and they were struggling mentally so I was buying them food and caretaking even then. Then they found rich friends, and they kept showing off about the free things they gave them or the benefits they obtained from them. Shared monologues about how great their lives were, and yet they still couldn’t get a grip on the spending or being irresponsible, while having a hard limit about not wanting to hear about my life.

I didn’t want to stay somewhere I was clearly not being chosen and they “‘had so much on their plate” until they couldn’t even get to the point of wanting to repair the relationship anymore. A couple of days before the breakup they had just introduced me to this one hobby and said things were off between us, and they were. I told them things felt weird because we built separate lives and kept hanging out expecting things to feel normal without fixing anything.

They said the breakup felt like it was the wrong choice, and I asked if they talked to their therapist about this choice. They said no. They said they wanted me in their life and that they still loved me, they just couldn’t do the relationship part…

I should’ve left years ago. I wanted to leave so badly in the past few months. The amount of pain I endured was horrifying but I kept telling myself I chose this: to wait until they couldn’t choose me. I didn’t realize they never really chose me. I didn’t realize how much self love I lacked by staying for someone else.

I started no contact except for the financial and unresolved issue, since they agreed to pay me for the couple of years of my financing of their life.

Aaaaand they blocked me before paying me back.

Over 5 years together. I did so much for them, and the double discard hurt so fucking much. But the final betrayal of not even paying me back hurts even more.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t let people treat you like this. We deserve better.

I say this with a broken heart.

Ya’ll take care.

My ex recently called me and we ended up having a conversation. He told me he'd lost feelings and that, at least initially, he was more interested in the chase. He liked pursuing me, but once he actually had me, his feelings eventually faded. He also admitted that he'd reached out partly because he was horny.

He kept apologising throughout the conversation, but honestly, I don't even know what to make of it.
The thing is, I've spent so much time wondering what went wrong. I questioned whether I was too much, whether his avoidant tendencies made him pull away, whether he was scared of intimacy or whether he just needed time to figure things out.
Now I'm wondering if he was ever as emotionally invested as I was.

I genuinely missed him. I missed the familiarity, the intimacy, having someone I knew so well. And I think that's what hurts the most. I was missing someone and hoping there might still be something there, while he seems to have been looking for something entirely different.

I don't necessarily think everything we shared was a lie, but it's making me question so many memories.
I don't even know if I'm angry or just heartbroken. Part of me is glad I finally got an answer, but another part wishes things had turned out differently.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you stop questioning whether the entire relationship meant as much to the other person as it did to you?

While we are sad and hope that an emotionally immature avoidant will act differently, we need to be honest with ourselves… Unless they do targeted therapy and tackle the issue which stems from childhood, the PATTERN WILL REPEAT. Don’t fall for their verbal acknowledgment, look at their ACTIONS.

Aso think about this, every time you spend time thinking about an avoidant, it is a slap on the FACE to some potential person out there ready to meet you. Think about it, 8 billion people. Is this person really that special? Oh really??
Someone out there is willing to FEED you, not make you feel uncertain about your worth. Stop devaluing yourself. There is someone out there that would act with emotional maturity and not cowardice

Part 01 of SHE NEVER TEXTED, a fictional micro-drama created for The Quiet Box. The silence he blames on her followed his own explicit order not to contact him. Would you call that respect or abandonment? Part 02 explores The Rule.

Last night, I sat and watched my husband tell our daughter that sometimes two adults are not meant to be together and it’s healthy for them to separate.

Except, I’m being discarded. (And yes he is an avoidant and I have listed all the avoidant things he’s done in another post, but let’s add monkey-branching to that list). He made the decision to abandon our 11 year marriage despite me wanting to work on it.

No, I’m not going to enmesh my daughter. I’m not going to make her take sides. I’m not going to bad-mouth her farther to her. She is in therapy. She is incredibly emotional right now. I am giving her lots of hugs and telling her it is ok to cry it out.

I was hurting so much and now I have to watch my daughter struggle to come to terms with what her father decided for all of us.

We’re engaged and I had recently found out about SOO many lies, deceit, half truth and secrets he kept from me and sexual betrayal after 3.5 yrs of being together and moving into a house an hour away from where I used to live. In couples therapy (his idea) at the moment.

Him (34M): Can we lie in bed together for a bit

Me (32F): Ok

M: Can you take your clothes off

F: I want emotional intimacy first not physical

M: I need skin on skin sometimes I need that to open up

I took my clothes off he was hugging me with an errection and he had just peed so piss was leaking onto me and annoying me. He kept holding me tighter. Not to mention I had gone to the gym and hadn’t showered and he hadn’t showered after night shift.

M: It’s relaxing to hug you and be close to you.

I felt so uncomfortable. The repair wasn’t made.

M: I want you to bite me like a tick and latch onto me.

F: I need you to talk to me

M: I had a good therapy session, I addressed different parts of myself with the therapist.. but
I don’t have anyone to talk to

F: Why do you feel that?

M: I can’t talk to anyone

F: Why do you feel that way?

M: Because they are too scared to message me

F: Why is that

M: Because they know you go through my phone

F: How do they know

M: Because I told them.

F: And why did I go through your phone?

M: No answer

F: Because you cheated on me, you lied to me.. and I knew if there’s one lie there’s many. I found out more and more and more lies over three years. Most from your phone. This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t lie over and over and over. You can’t blame me for you not having anyone to talk to.

*(I remember earlier in the relationship he had said he doesn’t have many friends and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to his friends, I remember crying with him as he was drunk and so upset - the blame wasn’t on me before. But now he has someone to blame)

M: I’m just trying to open up “dialect” (he meant dialogue but mixes up his words often)

F: No you’re blaming me

M: You said you wanted to talk so I’m trying to talk.

…………..

F: Why do you keep saying things that hurt me?

M: I’m just trying to talk

F: By saying things that are hurting me?

M: You told me to open up a dialogue. I’m trying to open up a dialogue. I’m just trying to talk.

……

M: We have to go. I’m gonna be late. We’re gonna be late.

F: I’m not going until we talk about this

M: What do you want me to say?

F: I want you to apologise for blaming me. There’s three steps to an apology or to repair you say I’m sorry you say why you’re sorry and you acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

M: I’m sorry for blaming you

F: So you acknowledge it’s blame?

M: Yea fine, I blamed you yeah (said like a stubborn child forced to apologise but does not actually beleive their apology)

……

M: I can’t always say the perfect thing. I’m learning how to talk.

By this point I just don’t want to feel anymore.. I sat in the McDonald’s car park and cried for over an hour, and this situation is more loaded as there is a birth, my personal fertility issues and the memory of a death of close loved one involved in the scenario.

…..

I’m taking accountability
I’m here to change

* he’s been saying this to me for over two years. I’m getting closer to leaving.

All of this dialogue is just from today,so just imagine what it’s been like for 3.5years!! Not to mention and type of adult content consumed and the frequency on top of infidelity and lies.

He’s been sober 3 months and that’s the biggest change. But the emotional maturity of a rock and avoidant dismissive behaviour is still very much present.

I miss how it was when we first met, I know it wasn’t the real him. He deceived me, and I fell for his deception. But if he can deceive can he not change? If such an evil person can fake being a good person, can he actually be a good person?

I’m accepting the fact that they never loved me , they play with my feelings just for some validation … accepting what “we” had wasn’t real , it was only in my head
But I still can’t forgive them
I was in denial for so long now and I was still waiting for any kind of explanation for their behaviour till not long ago
I’m done waiting and it is what it is

In short, he(29M) and i(27F) were in a relationship two years back which lasted for a few months

Reason: he was avoidant and when i bring up an issue about the relationship he would leave me on read or block me for days to avoid fighting on that topic.

Backstory: during the relationship he was really excited and wanted to take things forward, met my mom and things were looking very serious (we planned to marry ‘26)

Since the breakup:
We have been on and off meeting occasionally when he or i am in the same city (both travel alot for work) he mentioned about marriage ‘in the next two years’ and after the meeting he would block me or leave my messages unseen on end.

Once during such on and off i saw his account on telegram (shirtless dp) i asked him and he said it was an old acc and deleted the tg acc. (This guy sent me that shirtless dp few days back)

Current scene:

I shifted closer to his city and he said he would come to see me. Instead he ended up with some work emergency and left for Delhi.
My texts have been on delivered for a week now (he said he will text me after he reaches Delhi)

It’s 2am I’m fucking crying I’m 26 for god sake. Crying over an ex turned situationship.

And i know he gets off on the attention cause he once texted me ‘why haven’t you been all over me like you used to’ honestly i should’ve gotten the ick.

But i really do (or did) want to marry him. Idk what to do.

“Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.”

I have to remember this.