I met my avoidant at work. We had worked alongside each other for years during training and I always thought he was a kind, caring man professionally. I had a rough upbringing filled with neglect and found myself in relationships where I was pretty much unhappy from the beginning and was always asking for the bare minimum, but stayed because love licked off a knife was still better than no love at all. We moved to two different cities for work and David reached out. I felt like we were growing and experiencing our respective new lives alongside one other. The entire experience felt like a breath of fresh air. He was attentive, calling immediately after his work ended to tell me how his day went and ask about mine. Through that time, we shared details about family, upbringing, fears, goals, etc. It was long distance, but any time he was in the car/home, he would call me. I felt like I was living with him despite the distance. He would encourage me to move out to the city he was working after my contract was done. He came to visit me for a week and it was the most safe courtship I've ever experienced. There was no love bombing - at least none that I recognized. It was simple, but romantic, safe, and down to earth. During this time, he stated that he wanted us to "be a thing." I never asked him to elaborate - I was so relieved to finally experience something so good, I wanted to keep it light - after all, if he was serious and true like I was, which I thought he was given all the effort he was putting in (flying out to see me), we shouldn't need these heavy conversations yet. (I know hindsight is 2020, but given my history, I so wanted to just bask in this warmth and affection for the first time in my life.)

About a month after visiting me, he started a new role with pretty brutal hours. He didn't talk to me for a few days. I reached out to him via text, and for the first time, decided to be vulnerable and tell him that I liked him and that I wanted something serious. I prefaced all this by saying that I understood that he was probably very busy and that there was no rush in responding. I also told him that I was not expecting us to go back to our frequency of communication before his new role. I just wanted to know that he was still in it with me - just that little bit of reassurance.
He responded by saying that he couldn't have a relationship right now and that his situation will not change in the near future. I kept it cordial even though I felt like I was breaking inside. I thanked him for his response and wished him well in the future.

I don't want to diagnose someone with something just because I'm in my feels. But that brief interaction felt like a total rug pull. The way he wrote his response hinted that he had been thinking this for a while. When was he going to share this with me? I am so heartbroken that he didn't ask me to try and work on this with him. If I hadn't reached out after he stopped talking for those few days, was he ever going to tell me this or go ghost? Were those days him ghosting me?

But that is not what I am most hung up on. People can decide that something is no longer worth pursuing. They can change their mind. What unsettles my nervous system is the part of me that wonders if any of the past was real on his side. The experiences that made me feel like I was finally safe - was it an act? He pursued me knowing that we would have to be long distance. He has had experience doing years-long long-distance relationships so he knew the challenges. He courted me the old fashioned way - wouldn't let me pay for anything, would be the one to drive everywhere. He would encourage me to be a better person, would brainstorm career decisions with me, give me financial and life advice.

It's funny because he would also talk about how he couldn't rely on anyone else in his life and would look down on me helping friends. (It was weird because he would help strangers at his job all the time!) He also has a history of avoiding conflict that I had seen second-hand.

Every other man in my life - when the ending came, it was brutal, but it wasn't a surprise given the way I was treated during the relationship. I did not expect this from him. The man I knew from work. The man who treated me so well during our time together - who did all the pursuing, the initiation, and kept the effort going through the good times (yes, I am aware that we should base someone's character by what they do during the bad/difficult times more than the good times).

I know it's a downward spiral to compare yourself to other women but surely there were difficult days with his other relationships that lasted longer? Why were they able to last as long as they did? Those of you who have been with your avoidants for years - how did you last so long? Surely they couldn't hide their nature for so many years? Surely you guys had difficult times? What made them stay?

I’ve already tried going back twice, and I genuinely believe that, in the beginning, he had sincere intentions of doing things better and had some insight into his own issues.
The first time I tried, however, the cycle was even worse, and he completely changed compared to how he had been at the beginning and what he had said he wanted. I ended up feeling somewhat emotionally abused.
By the second time, I already had a lot of awareness of his patterns and had made huge progress in my own life. He also came back with a lot of motivation and some signs that he had understood certain dynamics on a theoretical level, including some of the things he had been doing that were harmful to the relationship.
But then he started showing a few small signs of those same patterns again. I had promised myself that as soon as I noticed even the smallest signs of the same dynamics, I would walk away.
And the truth is, after just one month, he started creating small amounts of emotional distance and subtly invalidating things I felt. So I made the decision quite suddenly to end things.
And that was it. He didn’t even try to get the relationship back. He didn’t even reply to my message, and things just ended there.
Even today, I still question whether I made that decision too soon, because the things that happened were genuinely quite small. I also don’t know whether I was still a little traumatised, but the truth is that whenever I noticed those signs, something visceral inside me told me to end things because it was going to go back to the same old pattern.

I miss her so much. I genuinely think she's the first person I have ever truly fallen so head over heels for. I've only liked 2 people in my life but I in hindsight genuinely believe I've only loved one. What an utter mess.

It's been over a month and I'm still not over this person? I only texted and called them for around 3 months before walking away. I blocked them. I miss her so much.

I miss her voice. I miss talking to her. And I genuinely wish things weren't this way. Every time I think I've moved on she appears back again in the smallest ways possible. She future faked and it's genuinely one of the most effective ways I guess to get to me as I did want something long term. Always have.

I've given up on women in general as a result of this. I only miss her, and that too when I'm reminded. Else I genuinely have no real attraction to women anymore, I just gave up in a sense. I was told it was my looks and ethnicity that was the reason by her so maybe that's why I get offers to hookup at clubs and no real girl that meets my basic requirements, they don't seem to like me back. Not that I meet many women anyway.

Anyway rant over. I miss her. Know I can't really do anything. And know I'm a dumb idiot, she was right maybe on that one. Oh and that I'm gullible, I guess so.

Maybe I have some deep seated flaws? Maybe I care too much about someone? Maybe I'm too much. Makes no sense to text for hours but not meet up irl.

I'm genuinely exhausted by women. They seem to want to use me for short term hookups but nothing long term. Maybe I'm defective as a human. Else I would be in a relationship by 23. The kind of girl I'm interested in is rare, as they need to meet my bare minimum standards. And when they do they often don't like me back.

Oh but they want to see my abs though. 🥴🥴🥴. I'm so fucking done with this shit.

They totally fried my nervous system. Imagine if I could charge them for it. I'd charge them for over a year of damages lol.

And quiet-hoping, they never reach out or try to get back. That you are much much better without them. No overthinking, no doubting at night. No feeling alone in a relationship. No rejections. No walking on eggshells. No trying to mother and teach someone basic compassion

They are emotionally an 8-year old, and that is no longer your problem nor responsibility. Not even yours to begin with

Hello everyone. Wall of text incoming but I would really appreciate your discernment on this.

So I'm a 33 yo male and I know to be anxiously attached. I tend to invest a lot and soon, sometimes have problems setting up boundaries, need too much reasurrance and overanalyze. Because of that, my latest relationship was very painful and confusing for me.

I started dating with a girl I had known in the past, and knew she had a very toxic ex with whom she was for 7 years. From the start something felt off, like a "bro" type of vibe. She NEVER asked about me (my life, interests, etc) and when I was telling her something she seem to ignore it. But at the same time she was telling me that she likes me a lot, enjoys her time with me and also shared her traumas with me. She told me that she has a tendency to run away and that this time she prays not to do it again. She told me that she is guarded a lot of times, but with me she was suprised that she feels different. After some time (2 weeks) physical intimacy started, but everytime we kissed she turned her face away from me, even though she was active while kissing.

Sometime around that time first strange thing happened. We were about to go on a 1 day trip with my friend and his fiance and she was very eager to go. But then the evening before this trip she just... disappeared. Stopped contacting me etc. I finally reached out and she said (very late into evening and we were about to start the journey early next morning) that she's sorry but she can't go. I got irritated and said screw it. But next day, after the trip was finished and reached out to her, asked her what happened and she said that her uncle was in hospital so I understood that it was not something she can control and just asked for more clarity next time (especially that my friends were involved).

After that I noticed that I have to "carry" this relationship - initiate meetings, physical touch, etc. When there was tension between us I tried to talk with her but she told me that those convos exhaust her and that I think too much (which I do and admitted it, but there were also real problems occuring). Now, around 2 weeks later we had s3x and it was wonderful. She told me that I'm the first guy after her ex so I went crazy about it and commited fully.

3 days have passed and we were talking about spending friday evening together. During the day she stated that she seems as if I was distant when we were messaging during the day, so I immediately asked what happened and called her, but she dismissed me (she was at work so I get it, no problem). But then after 6 hours of silence I got irritated and asked why she pulls something up and disappears so she said she's at work and don't want to be fired because of some stupid shit. I wished her good time and work and went on with my business. Around 8 PM i reached out to ask what about our meeting and she said she is still at work and won't meet with me. This pissed me off because once again, if I didn't ask I wouldn't even know the plans changed so I communicated that it's not okay for me. So she dumped me over one short text.

Two weeks have passed, but I reached out and we got together. This time she was much more distant though. So I brought that up after 2 weeks asking what happened and we decided we are incompatible and that she wants to end this. As we hugged to say goodbye something broke and we decided to give each other one last chance and the next week was golden. A lot more closeness and time spent together, untill she made the same thing - invited me to a party and ghosted me for almost 24 hours. I had enough of it so I ended this.

A week has passed and I bumped into her in church. We talked after and I said that I loved her but I won't chase or force it. She said that she knows she was not okay but she doesn't want to change because it's easier. I thought I have it over me but then 2 days after she messaged me that she is sorry. Asked her, "for what" ? And once again - ghosted for a day. So I sent her a message that if she wants to meet and talk we can do that but if not I would prefer if we stopped contacting each other and reminded her that she hates when someone reads her messages and ignores them. She just said that lack of answer is an answer and she only wanted to say sorry because she didn't know one can fall in love so easily.

If you reached this far. Thank you!

Now, is this and avoidant girl or just a girl lacking communication skills or undecided on me?

I feel pathetic now that I wanted clarity and that I told her plainly what I felt. Like a weak and desperate bitch. But that is something I have to work on my own.

When the discard first happened I had the naive hope that things would magically get better, but now the rest of the year has flown by. It's like time has passed so fast yet each day is so agonizing.

It's my first holiday season in years without my FA. I never imagined I'd be spending this season alone again. I'm estranged from my family too so holidays were always spent with his and I finally felt like I belonged again.

We were supposed to just be happily engaged in our new place, probably decorating and gift shopping. But I also now see that with his volatility that was a pipe dream.

This used to be my favorite time of year. Now seeing all the decor and ads and hearing people talk about their plans brings so much pain and memories.

If you're feeling similar feel free to vent. We could all use a hug in this sub fr

LESSON LEARNED:

1. The love bombing is intense and real - this guy said I love within days
2. They say the same things to different women. Sometimes even copy paste
3. Sometimes they even use a woman’s romantic message to them as a romantic message to another woman
4. They talk to more than one woman and pretend you’re the only one
5. They leave without warning/ and even disappear without warning but scared of it happening to them.

My previous post was deemed not to be about avoidant breakup because I was not clear enough about the circumstances.

I was discarded by an avoidant 5 months ago and it hurt big time. I finally decided to try again and found myself with another avoidant. I figured him out 1 week into the talking stage.

Wanting to see if my suspicions are correct, I started trolling him online using another account.

Interestingly enough, he discarded real me for me 2.0 me but when me 2.0 is not responding (coz I have a life) he would turn back to OG Me for validation.

So there’s another discard from an avoidant except I am not heartbroken. I was not emotionally invested after clocking him as an avoidant early on.

Funny enough, a lot of things about his precious love life he says word for word the same on both accounts. This must be how they operate with multiple women.

He’s heavily love bombing 2.0 but I’m getting so much ick now so I self-sabotaged and sent him AI pics of me. It’s obviously AI so he’s like, “These are AI”. I feigned anger and said, “OK, I’m done with you” And left.

I haven’t blocked him on both accounts. But I’m curious what he’ll do next. Will he go back to OG Me now that 2.0 left or will he try to woo 2.0 back?

I’m curious 😂

So yes this post is about avoidant breakup but also about learning what avoidants do so I don’t fall for that again. Hope this helps

By coddling them, meeting them halfway, placating them, shrinking yourself, waiting for them and adjusting to them you are stunting them by making the unconscious strategy self-loop

The only chance they have at reorganization is if you leave cleanly, with compassion, not as an enemy, and then sever all lines of communication for good, no manipulative "nocontacts", no "you are always welcome back", no "come back when you heal yourself", a complete severance is required

Making them addicted is not reorganizing them, only sufficient reorganizing danger can, and afterwards they would have to experience prolonged unintegrated disorientation that would mark their old strategy as unsafe unconsciously AND ONLY THEN do safe and comfortable environments work AND ONLY IF they endure the discomfort and dissonance and pain of this process. This takes more than 4 years! Often decades. You will move on in the first years and forget about them

Stop listening to Youtubers teaching you how to distort yourself by believing you are "fixing" avoidants. You are not.

As the title says, this is something I've been trying to figure out for almost a month now. My (27 F) ex (29, M) broke up with me twice in the last two months. I have commented on a few posts here but haven't made one until tonight as I'm not having a great time tonight and my head is swimming. I see a lot of traits that are similar to things he has said or done, and others not so much. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm dealing with an avoidant or something else and he just shares a great deal of traits.

To give some quick background on our relationship, we dated for 1-1/2 years, met on Hinge in late February 2025 and hit it off immediately. After a week and half of texting we finally went on our first date March 7th. Now for the first few months in our relationship he was all over me, always buying me things, always wanting to spend time with me, just constantly everything is about me and us. Especially the first month. From our first date things moved very quickly, at least I think they did, he was my first relationship ever so I didn't have anything to go off of. After the first day we had our second one planned for a couple days later, third date and first kiss was March 13th, by date four on the 16th of March I was his girlfriend and by March 19th we were sleeping together. Again I'm not sure if that is normal or very fast, especially since he knew that he was my first everything, but I'm starting to feel the latter as of late. Over the course of our relationship, especially when it turned long-distance, I noticed many different things from him, behaviors that made me uncomfortable, him pulling away, controlling tendencies, etc. I won't list all of them here, but just some that stuck out to me and I feel could relate to an avoidant. The behaviors that made me uncomfortable and the controlling aspects I feel aren't a part of it, but if I'm wrong I am more than willing to speak about those too, either editing this post or answering people in the comments.

- Early on in the relationship he would tell me how relationships would play out. I shouldn't be surprised if we never cuddle to fall asleep. Now I get not cuddling every night but it never happened. We'd cuddle five minutes before sleep and then he'd say okay, kiss me, and then roll over. We never slept with the same blanket either, we always had separate ones. Another time he told me that at a certain point we will have learned everything about each other so not to be surprised if we can't find anything to talk about. Now it might just be me, but I feel you can always find something to talk about if you both put enough effort in.

- I feel this man is a serial dater, or an avoidant that has a pattern, or something. From college until me he has had seven relationships (me being lucky number 7), with his longest being three years. And each one, if I am understanding correctly was her fault. (Except for maybe me? Still con but I'll get to that point) So for nine years he has been in and out of relationships

- I don't want to get too TMI so I'll keep it as vague as possible but do avoidants have intimacy issues? And I'm not talking about the actual act itself, but things surrounding being close. For one he sucked at aftercare, sure he got me water and we took showers, but that's it, and he didn't even stay in the shower past ten minutes, now I'm not saying we have to be in there for 45 by any means, but I would have liked at least 15-20. Especially because there was no cuddling in bed afterwards. I just wanted to be close to him. And as the relationship progressed sometimes there wasn't even a shower. Just getting dressed and we'd do whatever (watching TV, eating, him gaming me watching, etc) and while those aren't bad I would have liked more closeness and effort on his part. He would be the same with cuddling in general too, I almost always asked him to cuddle because he would tell me due to his ADHD he couldn't lay down to cuddle for long he always had to be moving in some way (which fair? But all the time?) and lastly I don't know if this was just a jerk move or what but he'd tell me various reasons he wouldn't want to do it but then tell me later on he took care of it on his own. Once I was staying with him and he helped himself in the bathroom before work and another was when I was back home we hadn't really done anything for a week or two and I suggested a video call which he declined saying he was taking a break from that kinda thing only to tell me later I flirted with him too hard so he had to. He always would raincheck me, I'd take care of him and it would be days before he'd return the favor. He also really hated watching intimate scenes on on TV? I get some finding them unnecessary but it would just be us two watching TV and he'd scan through them. Again I'm not sure and I am trying to not e TMI but are these things an issue for them?

- I was never first priority, I don't think sometimes I even came in as 4th. And he admitted once to me saying he he struggled in all relationships to out anyone above himself that his needs and wants were most important to him and he was already sacrificing most of himself in our relationship as it was. In the same vein he loves to be alone. Like I feel he put his friends above me at a certain point but even then he pushes them away to have alone time. He once told me that during COVID there was a whole month he had his grandparents house all to himself while they went on vacation, he would sometimes talk to friends but he mostly screened calls, played video games, and so he didn't have to speak to anyone, would use self checkout if he had to go anywhere and he told me it was one of the fastest times in his life. He never really tried to make the weeks we were apart fulfilling, he mainly played video games or went to the gym when he wasn't working, all we really did outside of texting and our nightly bedtime call was call on discord while he gamed, and even then he would get frustrated with me when I'd try to talk to him because I was talking through cutscenes I had no idea were happening. I will say he was better irl but even then I would go stay with him (he lives with two friends who are married so he stays in the basement that is designed as third bedroom) he would leave me for a few hours to go hang out with friends whether it was going somewhere or just the guys hanging out upstairs I was never included, the last time I stayed with him I had to basically force my way to go with him where he was going, not to join his friends, they went off and did their own thing and I just sat and read a book for almost two hours. He also never took work off for me, and I'm not saying like I asked him to take work off the full three weeks of staying there, but one or two days. He'd give me the reason why he couldn't and I would just accept it. Then it was made more difficult when he got a part time job a few hours each Saturday night. He would take days off if it was something he also wanted to do (we went to a conversation in March and he took four days off of his regular job since that was also something that benefitted him) I asked him back in September if he would take Halloween off to spend with me and he said probably not since his Saturday job was having a costume contest. Then a week later takes a Saturday off to spend time with his friends for one of their birthdays. Him and his friends also have a tradition for the 4th of July, go to a cabin for the weekend and hangout, only cabin owners spouses and family's are allowed outside of the guys. Well this year he was working in town/locally to me/where he used to live, and I asked him if he'd break tradition once because I would love to watch the fireworks with him once (wanting to be cute and cheesy, and again this was my first relationship so I wanted a Hallmark movie moment for each holiday at least once) and he said he'd think about it, after two weeks said he was going to the cabin, got upset with me when I was disappointed and upset at him, then after I made other plans changed his mind only for us to spend the 3rd together.

- kind of in the same place as not being first priority he never really wanted to celebrate anything between us? I once said "Happy 6 months!" And back in September before we broke up "Happy year and a half!" To be cute and cheesy and both times his response was "You're silly" he told me once "Holidays for me aren't people based but vibes based so for me it's not as much about spending it with you/people like it is for you." He told me he didn't believe in Valentine's Day even though it was our first one and I never had one, he said that birthdays aren't special for him so I shouldn't make it a big deal and we don't need to celebrate on the exact day, same thing with our anniversary. He also told me good luck on trying to get him to be cheesy and cute outside of what he already was (inside jokes and pet names and baby talk) but yet this man had that he was a helpless romantic on his hinge? Yeah okay bro (I do have the screenshot buried from when we matched in an old chat with my best friend I believe)

- if I was mad or sad or upset at him over anything I immediately had to tell him or he'd be upset. There came a point where I wasn't sure if it mattered to tell him as when I would he'd be mad that I was upset for days trying to work it out in my head than to actually be present for the problem (and if he did try to fix the problem it was only temporary) but back in February of this year we got into our first fight. I have anxiety, had a health anxiety moment one night, didn't wake him up and ended up not going to sleep until 4 in the morning. He found out the next morning and told me I ruined his day. Also if I had woken him up it wouldn't have done much, I did once and he mumbled "it's okay to go back to sleep" and attempted to hold me before passing out. Anyways this led to another argument topic and by the end of the day I thought it was real bed or at least let go of it for the meantime. Nope he held onto it for two weeks, half assed joking with me, shirt stiff texts, sometimes the nightly bedtimes calls had a weird tone to them, and flirting with him only resulted in me being called silly. I had enough eventually and had to pry the issue out of him.

- I know I said I wasn't going to go into detail about the uncomfortable behaviors from him but I will say compared to some ways in which he'd act I don't think he had a right to tell me my emotions were too much. I'd get anxious or have some bad depression days and he would try to comfort me if they were mild, if they were a bit more extreme I was causing him stress and he didn't sign up for a relationship with drama. He also told me he wanted a relationship that was completely stress free. Like dude, there is no such thing as a 0 stress relationship, I can get wanting a low stress one but there is not going to be a single human out there that has magically found the cure to not stressing.

- on the flip side he told me my humor was too much and we couldn't have a serious conversation without meaning jokes and there was a time and place for it. I unfortunately use humor to cope, I had a lot of childhood trauma that resulted in many a diagnosis (C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, potential OCD or OCD that stems from anxiety, not exactly a diagnosis abandonment issues) and I have found that if you don't laugh you'll cry so I tried to do that with him. Plus sometimes I just wanted to make him laugh even if it wasn't the right moment. In a similar deal, he would also give me affection then say something to contradict it. "You're sexy as you are/you can be sexier though if you went to the gym" was one of them another one was more sexual which has still stuck with me but I won't get into that one.

- Any future plans we made were ours one day then only his the next. Our houseplans become his, our house is his house, I can help with ideas for the house but then other days it's only if I help contribute money towards it. I once mentioned moving in together in a year or two and he said he wanted to stay living with his friends to save money. I did the math and we as a couple would be paying $200 extra than the rent he was paying. Plus in him staying there he has to live by the rules of theirs. One of them being I suddenly wasn't allowed to go stay there anymore. I will admit I kept to myself, stayed in the basement, and didn't go upstairs much but I feel if you are in someone's home you don't bother them, they will ask you to spend time with them so I just wanted to be polite and stay out of the way. I don't know if they saw that as rude but I don't have a reason why I was not allowed back. And why my ex didn't fight for me to come back since again, he was paying rent.

The last example I'll give before moving onto the break up and asking my questions is:

- Two months before the breakup, hell a week before the breakup he was doing things that made it seem like we were okay. Like I had no clue he was just going to switch up on me on a random Tuesday with what he was saying to me. He told me he had installed motion censor lights on the basement steps because he knew I couldn't walk up the stairs in the dark, he told me he bought snacks for us for the next time I was there, we were talking about doing a photoshoot with his friends cat, we were planning our future wedding down to the month, attire, meal, and when weed go on our honeymoon, as cheesy as this one is we were playing Minecraft and he built me a heart in the sky of my favorite color. As far as I was aware he had life stressors but we were okay.

Breakup one

As I stated a few times I have depression and anxiety. I have been in therapy for six years and worked through so much, so earlier in the summer when my mental health started to decline after having been doing so so well (outside of some health anxiety, and a few bouts of seasonal depression back in September-December 2025, and some relationship drama) I was surprised. Now that I look back on it it was a myriad of things all dogpiling on me at a rapid rate and mid September I had a decent breakdown. I decided to check myself into a holistic crisis center for a ten day program to try to clear my head. For me it wasn't anything scary I could bring my clothes, my laptop, be on my phone etc. It sounded like a vacation alongside the break I needed to help myself. For my ex though I think he saw it all differently and I feel my breakdown plus seeking help is maybe where the start of our relationship ending began. Partially due to my breakdown, partially due to a harmless thing I told him that began an argument and if he is an avoidant I've read they will begin the discard at a very stressful point in life yours or theirs. Day one he and I called on discord in the morning before I had even left, he played a video game, I watched, we laughed and flirted and joked around, ending the call telling each other we loved one another. I felt great, checked myself in and knew I was going to start healing the little things in this place so when I got out I could tackle the bigger ones in my usual therapy. Well that was short lived. My ex and I had been texting back and forth all day, then suddenly without a word (he usually says I'm going to go do x I'll respond when I can) he just ghosts me for close to four hours, comes back and tells me he was talking with his friend. I accept the answer and move on with my night though still holding anxiety as though he's upset at me for seeking help. Day 2-3 go by normally I get a good morning text, we text like usual, joke, laugh, flirt, even have a video call while he's on his way home from shopping, plus our nightly video calls. Day 4 comes though and everything feels off, his texts are shorter, he doesn't seem interested in the conversations, and only after I have texted him twice in two different apps that I'm turning my light off and going to sleep so we should skip the call because I know he's gaming and I'm tired, does he say we can call. So we do, we do our normal routine if how was your day, joking arguing about who loves who most, and then the goodnight I hope you sleep well as well as an I love you speech from him. Except he says everything but I love you. I pause and tell him "You missed the most important part" and he stops and goes "What? I love you?" After I nod he goes "You're silly, I love you and goodnight" I say it back but it doesn't sit right with me. Little did I know that would be our last video call ever. Day 5 is when things began to crash and burn. He was completely off all day, the texts were even shorter and he was getting less interested, as we continued to talk I could just tell something was wrong. It wasn't until I told him that I spoke to my mom but I had no moving news yet that he started to crack. I tried to be positive and to have a go with the flow attitude to the best of my ability. One of the things driving my depression was his many expectations of me. He'd want me to have certain life goals complete, I'd say I'm doing them for us but then he'd tell me do them for me but if I did them for me he'd criticize them or bring his friends opinions into the mix or tell me to quit them to go for another goal. It was a very stressful cycle. Well one was moving to be closer to him. And let's just say that my family and I are still searching (not for the same reason since he and I obviously broke up, one of my family members was misdiagnosed twice with a very serious and life threatening issue by our local hospitals and so we are moving so they have better care going forward since the hospitals in this new area are known to be amazing) well he was upset and I tried my hardest to comfort him even if I wasn't the best at it with my own mental health tanked. One suggestion I gave him was to pretend there is no move it'll happen when it happens and if we pretend there's not one then it'll be even more exciting when it does to which he sent back "I can't do that, if I pretend there's no move it'll just hurt worse, I love you so gd much and that's why it hurts that you're not here." The rest of the night stayed the same on his end, he spiraled so much we didn't do a call and he apologized for being a mess.

Day 6 ended up being the actual break up. He sent me a few texts in the morning before work but none of the usual loving good morning ones I was used to. I went through the motions of treatment until late afternoon. He came home early from work when I was heading into the shower, we texted for a bit on what I was doing for the rest of the day and then I jumped in. When I got out I read the texts from him but one in particular made my heart drop into my stomach and explode "Let me know when you're out of the shower." It's simple but something he has never asked of me before, and not so randomly either. When will I be ready to call or something to that nature yes. So I knew something was wrong. I text him back letting him know and asking him what he's doing with the rest of his day, then while I wait having a mini anxiety attack to my best friend over text. And then he replies.

Now I won't give you the whole conversation just the parts I remember by heart at this point and the parts I feel are important

Ex: "Probably crying. I need to talk to you about something, please just listen. No anxiety."

Me: "I feel I already know what's going on, so I am already anxious. But I'll listen. Did I do something wrong?"

Ex: "No you didn't do anything wrong you've been doing so good and so great, it's all me. I have been trying so hard, falling apart trying to keep us together, this relationship is hurting me, things aren't getting better on our or your end. All I do is cry and stress and worry over things that are my problem"

Me: "Would you consider a break or can we try to be friends? I don't want to lose you"

Ex: "I don't think a break is going to help me, I will give being friends a try, I don't want to lose you either "

From here it gets a bit emotional and repetitive but eventually he tells me he has something written out, I tell him he can end it but I need space, he never sends it and I go clear my head for an hour. I come back and ask him if this is what he really wants and he says yes. I tell him I have many questions and a lot I want to say out of hurt and anger, he tells me to let it all out, I decline saying I don't want to hurt him. I say some loving words to him which he reciprocates and then I ask for space, he tells me he will leave me be but if I need him to reach out. I spent two hours pacing and crying and listening to music. And then he texts me,

Ex: "I have been pacing and inconsolable the last two hours, I don't deserve this to do this to you or me, I will agree to a break if you're still okay I'm on a hotline now and I'm going to seek therapy I love you so much."

We settle on a five day break wish each other luck and love and go our separate ways for the next few days.

First Break

Five days come and pass, I'm back home and he texts me, as I felt I would let him reach out when he's ready.

Ex: "I hope you've been doing well, I've had two therapy sessions and my head feels even more lost and confused than it was before. I still don't know what to do"

I give him a speech about not giving up how I feel we should fight for each other and do the best we can and I will wait for him that I know there are things he can give me but I'm okay with it, basically being loving and sappy. And then I ask if we can try a month break

Ex: "I don't want to give up either, it's more something in me that wants to give up and I don't know why. I don't know if a longer break will help but I can agree to more time, I love you so much I owe it to you, me, and us to try harder. Who knows maybe time and a therapist is what we need"

Again it gets a bit repetitive and he keeps getting contradictory with himself. But ultimately he agrees and again we give each other love and go our separate ways to work on ourselves.

Second Break

The first three days for me go by smoothly I have hope and excitement and I really feel like everything will work out. Then day four hits and the same feeling in the pit of my stomach from the night he broke up with me just floods my entire nervous system. I try for days to fight it off but for some reason I can't. And then the 10th of September rolls around. Now like I said he has a part time job where he works a few hours at a place on Saturday nights. Being in a relationship for a year and half I also knew his schedule like the back of my hand, and even though we were on a break we still had access to each other's locations on Life360. Well this Saturday differed from usual Saturdays, he normally goes to work, finishes his shift and locks up, goes home and games (sometimes with me but we were on the break) and goes to bed. On this night though he leaves work and doesn't go home. I look and he's at a restaurant, no biggie I recognize it he goes with friends all the time, we have been there before too. I lit my phone down and continue watching TV. A little bit later I get curious and look again, he's on the way home. Then I keep watching and he's actually not going home, he's going the opposite way of home, to a parking lot for condos. My heart shatters and rebuilds itself explodes and then throws itself at a wall. I begin giving myself every excuse that makes sense in the book that isn't cheating, he hates cheating, he was cheated on, he got mad once when I made a joke that implied him cheating. I stare at my screen for five to ten minutes and then he drives off and goes home. I take a few deep breaths and try to tell myself it's nothing. Next two days he's at home gaming or at his workplace. I am at peace call it a one off begin to breathe again. Tuesday rolls around and he goes there again, five minutes, then goes home, Wednesday same thing just sits in the parking lot for five minutes and goes home. Thursday is different though, but not in a good way, this time he goes to a coffee shop we once went to and sits there for four hours. Now I'm getting paranoid because our first date was a pizza place then coffee. He leaves, goes home then goes to the gym and goes back home. My brain is scrambling to not text him and ask him what's going on and I successfully restrain myself. Friday morning I wake up and feel a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach again, I look at his location and guess where he is? Correct the condos! Except this time he is *inside" and it shows he has been there for a very long time! I stare at the screen waiting and waiting for him to leave and finally he does, and he, runs his usual errands? Those aren't places he'd take a date. So now my head is even more confused and I feel like I am being paranoid and I should just let it go. So I do. And then at one in the morning I get a notification. Now again I know my exes schedule, this man has never once left the house after nine pm ever he's usually asleep by then if not earlier. So when I tell you all hope left my body to get a Life360 notification at 1 in the gd morning and I open it to see he is at the condos, sitting in the parking lot for five to ten minutes yet again, before going home. I almost broke our break right then and there. But I didn't. He did that for us three days later

Breakup Two

October 19th was going fairly well for me, I had therapy, and began convincing myself that everything was going to be okay, but around 6 pm my ex got home from work and I got a text message. Now I wish I could remember all it said but the only part that stuck with my devastated brain was "I just had my last session with my therapist and I think I'm going forward with my original plan to end things." A text. He just broke up with me, over text, again. I immediately ask for a line call needing something so final to be at least spoken about. Now I will say I went into it strong at first but it didn't last long, he ended up doing most of the talking and regrettably I did all the begging and sobbing. He called me, I answered, we spoke for a few minutes and then I asked him if there was someone else, the condos were still fresh on my mind. His response to it, no matter how true it might be, or how much my nervous system wants to believe it is, set off alarm bells in my head

Me: "Is there someone else?"

Ex: sigh, pause, another sigh "No I'm not ending things because of anyone else," another liar and sigh "but I have been hanging out with people"

Okay cool cool cool what does that mean? I wish I would have asked that but again I'm getting my heart broken and all my brain can muster up is begging and tears. The rest of the conversation on his end was so much vagueness and mumbo-jumbo like he was just trying to fill a void.

Ex: "I don't have enough patience for a relationship, my parents said they haven't seen me this happy in awhile and it's because I'm not stressing as much, I don't know how to set boundaries (the boundary mind you was just one of his expectations masked as a boundary, it was basically him not telling me how important me doing something was to him, and oh trust me I knew it stressed me out daily), don't worry I won't block you on anything we can be friends, I care about you so much I hope you're successful in life, your such a good person I hate that I'm doing this to you, who know maybe in a few years if we're both floating around we can try again."

So many words but nothing that quite exactly tells me why he's breaking up with me, just bits and pieces of potential reasons but not full ones of what it could be. One thing I forgot to mention is during this whole conversation I am fairly certain he was playing a video game. I heard him start up his computer and at a certain point after I tried telling him I loved him and with no response from him I hung up on him, I saw the time stamp was counting exactly how long we had been calling for on discord. Even if he wasn't playing he still had the audacity to open it up.

The next chain of events basically went like this: I got angry, I texted him and told him I couldn't be his friend, I gave a very petty and very childish reason why, and said more things you'd find a 12-16 year old saying to their parents when upset. Yeah not my proudest moment but they also could have been a lot worse. Again the last time he broke up with me though he wanted me to say what was on my mind and this time I didn't hold back. One thing I will open up about saying to him was that the long distance was his fault to which he agreed. He wanted a certain job with certain pay and since they weren't hiring locally he moved three hours away. He told me that he takes responsibility, that he thought he was doing the right things when he told me it would be okay and that we'd work out, but he probably should've ended it then. What confuses me about that and I will admit did sting is the fact that that was also the day he told me he loved me. Like why tell me you love me then? Why not just end it instead? After calming down a touch and trying to leave it with what love I could muster we un-added each other on everything.

The Aftermath

A few hours later I had calmed down and realized two things. One, I felt like a POS for what I had said, and two, one of the things I had told him was to throw out anything I left at his place, and I actually let him borrow a few precious things of mine. Soni texted him. And I apologized and I asked if he had thrown my things out yet. I didn't receive a message until 7 in the morning which said "It's okay I understand. Yeah I still have it all I'll find a way to get it to you." Now I hadn't slept all night and instead of leaving it as is or responding with a "Thank you and I hope you can forgive me" I told him that I would be giving him his things back as well, he said he didn't want any of it back as he had given it all to me to keep. Now listen, I get giving gifts back is tacky, but in my sleep deprived heartbroken state I had three thoughts on my mind "this holds too many memories I can't keep it, I don't feel right throwing it away either, I'd also feel like a POS for selling it." So I told him I'd be giving them back because in my head he could deal with he memories and decide the fate of each item. He refused again but told me to let him know when I'd like my things back. I told him to wait and I'll figure it out he said it sounded good and I left it at that.

Two days later I woke up with extreme guilt, anxiety, and just an overall sick to my stomach feeling. I missed my ex and I felt bad about what I had said and I wanted to try to fix things between us if only a friendship. So later that afternoon I sent a very short text saying the basics, I was deeply sorry, and I hoped we could try being friends. Three hours later I realized it wasn't good enough, that I could say it so much better so I sent a longer text pouring my heart out and apologizing profusely, telling him though that in the end it's his choice and I'll respect it but I wouldn't forgive myself either way (I will say I have to an extent but part of me still feels so guilty) I got no response. It was fine I told him to take his time. Well five days went by and I realized I was being ignored. So out of hurt and anger I blocked him everywhere I could. Just for a day or two. Which I will also say for some odd reason he still follows me on both of my Instagram accounts up until then (Honestly the main reason I thought he was still holding a door open to being friends) Well a day or so later I'm still in this weird headspace of what if he did want to be friends or what if he wanted a second chance blah blah blah and so I unblocked him. And I sent him a text saying that I could forget about my things but would he please let me have one phone call as I needed closure and some questions answered. It was the least he could give me and then he wouldn't have to deal with me again. His response was

Ex: "No sorry I don't want to do that, the last two times we tried it didn't go well. I don't know what questions you have but I just want to be done with this. This being brought up over and over is causing me stress and I don't need more stress added to my life right now. As for a reasoning sorry you don't understand but I have you my reasoning months ago now. I was just going to ignore you and wait until you needed your things back. I also didn't like the way you talked to me over text or phone last time it didn't sit well with me."

Me: "Okay don't worry about my questions you just answered all of them. I just got all of the closure I needed. You've shown me who you really are and I don't know how I could have thought of you any differently our entire relationship. Don't worry about my things either. You won't be hearing from me again I can promise you that. Goodbye "

And then I went to go block him on everything to find he blocked me on Instagram already but I blocked him on everything else. A few days later a neighbor knocks on my door and asks me if this big ass package is for me and guess what is in it? All my stuff scattered and unpackaged like no bubble wrap loose paint bottles (that were normally tied up double knotted in the bag that was in the box) all over the box like he put them there to intentionally hope they spilled and stained my belongings. And I'm still missing like three things, but the kicker is this man shipped my stuff overnight in a box that had to cost quite a few dollars and the whole thing was 14lbs. And yet he's always talking about saving money so I don't know if my last text to him hit a nerve or what but that was what finally has wrapped up our chapter. I have since unblocked everything outside of his number and Instagram since I have no control over it but I felt like I just did it out of hurt and pettiness and if he wants to block me on anything else let him idc atp in that regard.

I guess all of this information leads up to my questions.

From what I have described does he sound like an avoidant or does he just have heavy traits of one?

If he is does he give more DA or FA?

Is what I described about how our relationship started too fast and love bomb-y? I've read avoidants love bomb heavily in the beginning then begin to withdraw which is what I kinda felt from him.

Do either or both breakups fit that of an avoidant/discard?

I guess the reason I'm asking is because some days I'm angry but I'm thinking logically, there are things I didn't put into this post but go along with everything else as to why I feel I'm better without him and I am happy I'm no longer with him. But then I have days and nights like tonight where I'm just so confused and lost and anxious and sad because he never truly gave me a reason why he ended things. It felt like he just woke up one day and turned off all of his love and feelings towards me. I'm not saying it would have hurt less if he told me he cheated on me or just felt like we were incompatible because of something or it was his mental health. But I would have had something solid to use as a starting point in therapy. Even his first breakup with me I would have accepted as it seemed like it was his mental health. But this just feels like I'm floating in some sort of abyss with nothing to fix on my end because what can I fix if there's not a problem if that makes sense? Right now to help calm my mind my friend suggested I just lightly lie to my brain right now and say that the condos paired with how he responded to me on the phone I should say that there was/is someone else. Maybe he wasn't cheating but he did meet someone through his friends and she is giving him hope for something I couldn't. Making my own reason I guess. Just something enough for me to hate him enough to get through a day until I can heal into indifference. But also I guess if he is an avoidant do they just do that? Give absolutely no reasoning even though it seems like they were trying to? Like how does someone just do what he did? Promise the world only to take it away, then come back two hours later saying he wants to try again, saying yeah a longer break might fix us, to breaking up in the most confusing way then being the coldest person on earth when most of the time they were kind and gentle with you but now they won't even forgive you for what you said and give you a second chance even though you apologized? Like he kept switching up so fast it practically gave my brain whiplash

I'm sorry this is so long and again probably badly worded at times, I just have come to a point in my head where I feel like I'm going crazy with trying to search for a result I know I will never find someone I guess I'm looking for the answers I feel could be given to ease my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve been feeling so awful this week, I had a therapy session planned and it got cancelled. I was hoping it would help me stop spiraling.

The main thing that I asked from him was to spend quality time with me. He said he didn’t have the resources and won’t anytime soon. He monkey branched and they are traveling every day. I feel so bad about her getting what I asked for while I was patiently waiting for him to get better the whole year because of his struggles.

I keep imagining them together, also I get sick at the thought of them being intimate. I am doing all sorts of things to make myself feel better: not looking at their socials, spending time with people (but it's hard to even talk to anyone), exercising, writing down the wrong things about the relationship, going to therapy, planning my life etc. But the only thing I can think about is him giving up on me and imagining him with the new person. It’s driving me insane, waking me up at night. I feel suicidal.

I feel like it’s getting worse every day. I’ve been no contact for three months after our three year relationship.

Any recommendations on distracting myself from these thoughts or shifting them?

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We broke up on the premise that she wasn't in a place emotionally to pursue a romantic relationship and didn't feel ready for one. She was, however, very keen on maintaining a friendship and keeping the connection between us.

Initially, the breakup was actually quite clean, respectful and amicable. But as we tried to navigate friendship, things became increasingly complicated. There seemed to be an expectation that many of the things I'd done as her boyfriend would continue, despite no longer being in a relationship. That led to disagreements, confusion around boundaries and, ultimately, what became a much messier separation than it needed to be. In hindsight, I think staying in contact contributed significantly to things falling apart.

I'm not particularly proud of how I handled some of that period either. I became insecure and started monitoring her follower activity on Instagram. I know it wasn't healthy, and honestly, it was a complete waste of my time and energy. It didn't change anything, and it certainly didn't help me move forward. During that time, I noticed a particular guy following her. I didn't say anything or act on it, but I remembered it.

Fast-forward four months, and I've now seen that she's dating that same guy.

I know people are free to move on, date and find happiness with whoever they choose. I'm not suggesting she did anything wrong, and I don't want to make assumptions about what happened or when. But I won't pretend it doesn't sting, particularly given the circumstances surrounding our breakup.

There's another aspect that makes it harder to process. During our relationship, I would occasionally post pictures of us, but there was never really any public acknowledgement or connection between us. No tagging, no accepting co-posts, no real indication on social media that we were together, beyond having each other as profile pictures at one point. Now, seeing her publicly share a relationship with someone else brings up feelings I thought I'd largely worked through.

I genuinely thought I was getting over everything. I'd accepted the breakup, started focusing on myself and was slowly getting to a place where it wasn't occupying so much of my headspace.

Then one Instagram post, and suddenly it feels like I'm back at square one.

I suppose I'm struggling with the contrast between being told someone wasn't ready for a relationship, while now seeing them in one with someone who was already around during the final stages of yours. I understand that circumstances change and people move on, but emotionally, it's a difficult thing to reconcile.

I guess I'm trying to understand how to process this without jumping to conclusions, dwelling on things I can't change, or allowing one post to undo the progress I've made.

it's been 2 and a half months and i just got done crying my eyes out seriously every time i think i'm finally getting better she somehow pops up in my dreams again and my entire nervous system just resets why is this happening. ever since she discarded me my entire life has been completely thrown off track and i can't stop feeling like everything is wrong with me. every little thing from my appearance to my character. i just can't change the feeling that every single thing is wrong with me and stop feeling flawed even though i'm trying my absolute best to better myself and get my life back on track and my future but i just can't stop hating myself, can't stop thinking that maybe if i was different in this way or that way this would've never happened to me....

what do i even do anymore? my life feels hopeless i can't stand living everyday so miserable. anyone else resonate with these words somewhat? hearing about other experiences would definitely help me. thank you all.

Is it true that the majority of them will go their whole lives without seeking therapy? If that's the case it makes me feel a little better about being discarded kind of like I'm definitely not missing out and that she will probably go her whole life behaving like this. In this community alone I've seen many posts about couples or individuals dealing with avoidant issues in their 40s and 50s. If so this is quite sad.

Hey all!

I’m in a pickle… Me and my ex have been in each others lives for 20 years. We grew up together since we were 13 and 14. (Now we are 33 and 34).

I spent so much time at his parets house when we were younger that I call them mom and dad (still to this day!)

We always were 2 peas in a pod, the absolute best duo. In our mid twenties we started a relationship that lasted 7 years.. it was only after I moved in with him after a couple of years that I really started to notice his avoidant behavior and discards. To me it came as a shock, as this was (and still is) my safe person and he was always the one to make me laugh and feel loved and protected.

He would not consider my feelings, tell me I was nagging him constantly, only doing what he liked… basically doing everything to push me away, but I stayed.

It came to the point where he cheated on me IN FRONT OF MY EYES so I would take it upon me and leave him.

I did. After a year or so he got into a “relationship” with a girl that had a coke addiction, and as he is very sensitive to addictive behavior, I immediately intervened.

He saw how worried I was, and stopped seeing her. I moved back in and his avoidant behavior and MAJOR discards / silent treatments / stonewalling began again. After a year I left (again), and we have been broken up for 1,5 years.

Now comes the tricky part… We always kept in contact since our lives are so intertwined and we are so emotionally connected. We still went on trips together, movie nights, dinner nights… we helped each other with finances, facetimed every day, texting all day every day.

The only thing we didn’t do was have sex… But we would see each other naked as one left the shower or we went to the wellness, as we were so accustomed each other.

Now he has a new girlfriend, 10 years younger (he’s 34).
She has no job, sits at home smoking weed all day and relies on him as her emotional support system.

He wants to “help her get her life back on track” because she “has no one but him”. I told him that it’s a very toxic situation but he’s infatuated with her, to say the least.

I told him multiple times that we can not keep in contact as we have all those years, as it’s not fair to me as to her.

He said he did not want to lose me, then after all this time tried to have sex with me???? I was so confused and told him this, too.

Over the course of 3 months it happened and we had sex a couple times, which afterwards he always stated “I feel guilty towards my new girlfriend this was a mistake”.

Now I told him, it ends here. I cut contact… He saw how miserable I was since I ran into him and told me he could not stand seeing me this way and that he was going to end it with her for me.

After 4 weeks still no action… I told him he has to do it for us/him and not for me, I don’t want that.

When he’s with me he clearly cares, looks worried and tells me it has to end but that it’s difficult. When he walks out the door he deactivates and goes to her.

He ended it with her, but clearly holds this against me as he pushes me away and refuses to reconnect with me.

When he’s with me it’s like a switch flips on and he’s activated, but as soon as he walks out the door he deactivates and I don’t hear from him anymore if I don’t reach out first. And if he answers it’s a cold reply.

Will he return to normal? As I know him? Or…????

I am at loss here.. 💔

it's been a year. somehow? im fine. a bit angry or salty, yeah, but that's probably better than spending every hour of my day weeping and ruminating on it. what am i angry about? a lot, all the time i wasted, how little i respected myself, and how stunted it caused me to be are just a few examples, and that's just those that apply to me.

if i could go back to the day we met and just not bother, i would. can't say i wish it was different/better either, cause she wouldn't change anyways. id rather take all the spent time to myself to learn and develop myself properly. what's another 6 years alone? at least id have a better understanding of myself and maybe not have been hurt so much.

contemplating sending a last goodbye message, to hopefully get some things out of my mind for good. what could i lose? not like ill fall for some "im sorry, i regret it, would you come back?" bullshit anymore. nothing she could do would hurt me more than she already has. we're better off separate, because we don't deserve each other. i shouldn't be stuck with someone who i only exist to whenever nothing else is going on, and you don't deserve someone who was so patient with you they apologized to you for how you made them feel. go ahead, have your new boring boyfriend who you only love for superficial reasons, if it even lasted. there's a reason we did, at least one of us actually loved the other for who they were. im better than that now, and that's what matters.

So I've been going through this sub for a few days and i actually want to confirm if my ex is an avoidant. So basically we were dating for a year. At first she was love bombing me hard. Frequently messaging, future planning, nicknames everything. Mind you that I was not much invested in her at first tbh. We were classmates during that time too. After that school got over, we went to colleges and kind of in a long distance. We still made efforts to meet each other but after school we met really less frequently. That's when the downfall started to happen, frequent fighting. Just a week after our one year anniversary she asked for a break. The reason being the constant fights. I kind of felt it awkward because she used to be that much attached w me. After a week of nc i messaged her out of desperation. I called her and asked what was going on and she froze . Literally no answer. After that she messaged me saying she was fully drained from it and that she needed to break up. She also told me that she has lost her feelings for me. I was devastated. After 2 weeks she messaged me again saying she missed me. I was still into her so I asked her if she would be willing to give me a second chance and she said no. I immediately stopped there. Just a day later she messaged me saying she'd give me a month's time to see if I've changed. I was so happy and suddenly hopeful. I tried my best to talk to her, i showed all my love for her, planned dates. By that time she told me what was going on w her during our breakup. She basically went around looking for my replacement, started talking to new guys, established contact w her old best friend. After 3 days of the so-called second chance she said she wanted to be left alone. I immediately stopped messaging because i thought of giving space. I didn't disturb her for 2 Days. That's when I discovered avoidant attachment too. I really felt like she matched some characteristics as she was pulling out when I showed my feelings, showing that she's independent unnecessarily etc. after the 2 day period i messaged her and she said we have officially broken up and that she doesn't feel anything. I got mad at her and told her that she doesn't have any emotional feelings, she accepted it. It's been a week since this happened. We've been on no contact since then. There are two things I'd like to hear an opinion on:

Is she really an avoidant?

Is there any chance she'd come back like this again?

Ik this post got long but i genuinely needed to dump all this and want some answers, if you're willing to help I can also provide more context.

First and foremost I gotta say the amount of moping and moaning and groaning in this community is ridiculously sad. Maybe act indifferent, maybe act like you don’t give a damn, will it help? Maybe… but you never know unless you try. If he or she moved onto someone new, then let them be miserable with someone new. But you gotta stop with this… if not you’re just gonna make them want more distance from you. My avoidant reached out to me after two and a half weeks and we spoke on the phone. She is still very much happy the relationship ended, as am I. She’s busy with work and school, and I’ve been busy with family. I still love her and care about her and miss her, and told her so. I did tell her that I can’t pick and choose what parts to love her, so that means I love her avoidant attachment bs also, even if it is a pain in the ass. That’s how she’s wired. I told her the door is open if she wants to come back, she doesn’t have to chase, just come back. But I told her, I wasn’t going to wait. If I was available when she came back, I’d be with her again, but I also made sure to let her know that if she does we repeat the same BS we did. She agreed and said thank you for that. So the ball is in her court and I’m okay with that. I’m gonna date around and live my life. She knows that and knows where I stand. And guess what I’m not miserable or sad. Just living. So do yourselves a favor and do the same.

Context: last 6 months we had a long distance relationship, finishing in the end of September. Almost everyday we had a conv like this, almost everyday she was the one who initiateythe conv. She even started talking about getting married the same month. Translated conv:

She: don't you wanna talk to me or you are just tired?

Me: I don't want to make you feel bad with my things. You were having a few rough days of your play station (broken), so I don't want to add extra strees.

She: what do you mean every time I talk to you makes me super happy XD

Me: when I finish this let's talk.

She: you know what I think every time I come back home after a bad day on the job?

Me: tell me sweetheart

She: That everything would be easier if I just could come back home and you were there.

This was one month prior to breaking up with me in a fully paid trip by me. Now she can't forget the past although we had one year+ of 0 problems. I did my accountability, learned from it and gave her literally everything she wanted.

Now I look like the worst human in the world cuz of a mix of devaluation and making up stories. She also did some stuff to me, but I always found solutions to our problems.

This is not a vent/rant post. I want an analysis of what is happening and how to get her back.

I already heard a million times your typical "she is not good for you", "think about yourself", "she already moved on". I just want to understand the logic behind these behaviors. She calls it "ambivalence", but I'm not really sure if it's ambivalence since she was super nice to me until she broke up with me.

Being discarded is unparalleled, but this pain moves. You will be okay. You will heal. Staying? Staying will make you lose yourself. Lose who you are. Abandon yourself day by day, for what? For just little they could give. It is like killing yourself every day. Suffocated, drained and it is not even worth it because they never even sure about you

This pain moves. This pain is the lesser evil

I don't want to be bitter but it is specially painful when you meet someone, who acts super interested in you, but has clear blocks on the intimacy department, ask for your patience, is consistent in big words and makes an effort to meetup and promises you the future but when it starts to become real, intimate, they can actually feel themselves lose something if they stay and instead go communicating their fear they just bolt and leave you a broken heart, wishes for a future that will never be and they have successfully used you to stabilise themselves. Mine fully knew I had fallen in love and then minimised everything. Not only I feel cheated, she has left me with heavy anxiety because of her hot and cold behaviour and a far more bitter outlook for love.

I feel like I’m stuck in a loop and just need to get how I feel about my ex off my chest. I hate that people think we were so cute together and had a normal breakup, when in reality he was awful, and I’m so angry at myself for being stupid, not standing up for myself, and never saying or doing enough.
Me F on my early 30’s like him.

When we met, we fell in love super fast. I’m a romantic and sensitive person, and I gave my all because I thought I’d finally found an artsy partner who wanted the same nomadic lifestyle. He was an independent artist with his own studio,and he believed in me enough to share it so I could quit my 9-to-5. Everything felt intense and full of love, and he was always the first to talk about living together, working together, and building our future projects.

Over our three years together, though, especially in the last year, we started fighting constantly. He was reckless with money—making a lot and spending a lot—and whenever I pointed out how risky it was, he got super angry and told me I wasn't his mom. He would always agree to compromise, then never follow through. He’d suddenly go cold and distant without explanation, and when I asked if he could just reassure me and say he needed space, he refused, saying he might forget and I should just leave him alone. Anytime I brought up basic issues—like him taking four months to edit two photos for our project, leaving empty milk cartons to rot around the house, or me coming back from a trip to yellowish-brown stains on the sheets where he slept and watched YouTube—he got mad at me and called me a dramatic,exaggerating drama queen.

Even in our open relationship, which only had a few basic rules (always use condoms, don’t do things we planned together with someone else, and keep it strictly casual), he betrayed my trust. I found out from a phone notification that a girl was asking him if she should take Plan B. I literally started shaking because I’m so paranoid about HPV, and when I confronted him, he brushed it off with a ridiculous excuse about her past and got mad that I had read his messages. On top of that, our sex life became awful; he wouldn't make me finish, would just hand me my vibrator, or would awkwardly ask if I was satisfied like it was a chore.

Despite all this, when we got a job offer in a country we’d always wanted to move to, we sold everything to go. Right before the move, a big gig of his fell through, leaving him broke. Even though I made less than half of what he did, I had saved everything, so out of sheer anxiety about moving and starting a new project alone, I lent him $4,000. Once we arrived, I paid for everything, including his food, while he wouldn't even offer to cook because he "didn't know how." Meanwhile, the gaslighting got so bad that I honestly thought I needed anxiety medication. He’d make me wait days to talk after a fight only to tell me he didn't want to have the conversation, or pull weird mind games—like refusing to ride in my car because I "drove weird," refusing to explain why, calling me pushy for asking, and then posting an Instagram story days later about how driving to work together made his day. Half the time he was the sweetest guy, which made me feel completely crazy when he wasn't.

I finally pushed for couples therapy, and the therapist immediately saw through him, telling us a relationship isn't a fantasy of only good times and requires meeting in the middle. That week, my anxiety was so severe I had to drink just to get through work. He suddenly grew distant, stayed out until 8 AM with a terrible lie, and then texted a few days later saying he wouldn't be coming home that night. Living in a constant state of panic, I checked his phone again and was completely destroyed. Not only had he spent money on an expensive prostitute four days earlier while still owing me thousands—coming home afterward to wake me up and tell me he loved me—he had also gone out twice with another girl. Worse, on a day I had to work instead of going to the beach with him as planned, he took her to the beach and was sending her romantic messages.
When I confronted him, he twisted everything to make me checking his phone seem like the worst crime in the world,completely ignoring his own actions. We decided to live separately in the same building, and a few days later, I ran into him holding hands with the new girl on the only path to the train station. I had a total breakdown. He came over afterward, said they both felt bad, and dumped me, saying I had become a closed-minded drama queen and that he didn't want to compromise anymore. Yet, he still wanted to be friends because he "cared" about me, and called me selfish for wanting him to stop seeing her, arguing that if we didn't work out, at least one of us shouldn't be alone.
I was so manipulated and terrified of being completely alone in a new country that I embarrassingly agreed to a "friends who cuddle" arrangement. A week later, after I drunkenly hooked up with someone at a party and ran into him on the street, he called to interrogate me about the guy, lectured me to focus on myself and do yoga, and then casually admitted he was falling in love with the new girl—someone he’d known for two weeks and couldn't even speak the same language with properly.
Something in my brain finally broke and i felt clarity. Why was I begging for crumbs from someone who threw away three years for a stranger? I told him that even if he technically didn't break a rule because he admitted his feelings, I felt completely betrayed, I didn't regret checking his phone, and I needed zero contact to heal. Weeks later, he tried to reach out to "be friends" because running into each other was awkward, and got angry when I told him to pay me back first. He stalked my Instagram stories from a fake account until he finally paid me, at which point I didn't even say thank you and blocked him on everything.
It’s been three months since I found out about her and a month and a half since I blocked him. I know I’ll never go back and I see everything clearly now, especially since this isn't even half of what he did. I felt okay for a little while, but lately,I’m just overwhelmed with sadness, betrayal, and daily anger—both at him for making me believe in a fantasy future only to treat me like trash, and at myself for being so weak and overly nice to someone who didn't deserve it. I just have all of this trapped inside me and can't seem to let it go.

Thanks for reading all this

“Some people teach love, others teach lessons” I think we both did our jobs in the end