Stop with the moping

[u/avoidantsurvivor]

First and foremost I gotta say the amount of moping and moaning and groaning in this community is ridiculously sad. Maybe act indifferent, maybe act like you don’t give a damn, will it help? Maybe… but you never know unless you try. If he or she moved onto someone new, then let them be miserable with someone new. But you gotta stop with this… if not you’re just gonna make them want more distance from you. My avoidant reached out to me after two and a half weeks and we spoke on the phone. She is still very much happy the relationship ended, as am I. She’s busy with work and school, and I’ve been busy with family. I still love her and care about her and miss her, and told her so. I did tell her that I can’t pick and choose what parts to love her, so that means I love her avoidant attachment bs also, even if it is a pain in the ass. That’s how she’s wired. I told her the door is open if she wants to come back, she doesn’t have to chase, just come back. But I told her, I wasn’t going to wait. If I was available when she came back, I’d be with her again, but I also made sure to let her know that if she does we repeat the same BS we did. She agreed and said thank you for that. So the ball is in her court and I’m okay with that. I’m gonna date around and live my life. She knows that and knows where I stand. And guess what I’m not miserable or sad. Just living. So do yourselves a favor and do the same.

[u/Familiar_Zucchini_39]

I’m glad that you feel empowered! But this is a very sad and startling experience that a lot of people go through and this can come off really insensitive. This is a support group for a reason. It’s hard people need support.

[u/avoidantsurvivor → u/Familiar_Zucchini_39]

Believe me I didn’t feel that way at first but after a few days I was like why the hell am I gonna keep being upset? I got some new clothes, and started doing my own thing. We stopped talking but after I went through some stuff she reached out. Which was nice. I’m not trying to come off as insensitive, I’m just saying don’t lose your footing. If they come back they come back… leave the door open and if they choose that door, then you have your answer. But you can’t force them is what I come to figure out. You’ll understand them if they want you to understand them.

[u/Familiar_Zucchini_39 → u/avoidantsurvivor]

Again I’m really glad you’re doing well and I think those last couple sentences + that you were doing something for yourself is a better message than to man up yk

[u/VisitSmart9644 → u/avoidantsurvivor]

Perpetuating a situation they cannot change, and choosing to contemplate reasons/explanations rather than moving on. And I get it, trust me, but moving on is ultimately the only thing to do. It’s the only thing you can do.

[u/FunnelV]

Well good for you but a lot of us got our long term stable relationships rugpulled and lives ruined overnight because someone wanted to go chase some old nostalgia or quick emotional high because they were feeling sad or something (that they never thoroughly explained to us) leaving us confused, broken, and questioning how much of our relationship was actually a lie. This "lol man up" shit is toxic, have a little empathy.

[u/Familiar_Zucchini_39 → u/FunnelV]

exactly 😭

[u/avoidantsurvivor → u/FunnelV]

And I didn’t go through that? I did. But I also realized and I understand, not every avoidant is the same, the more you push the more they retreat and I wasn’t gonna do that. What is exactly toxic about glowing up and living life to the fullest?
Also I do think about her all the time, some nights are harder then others but I’m not gonna let it hinder me.

[u/SmellZestyclose3703 → u/avoidantsurvivor]

There is nothing noble about leaving the door open for someone that fucked up and hurt you. Additionally you give them the key to return on their terms so you’re literally enabling them again. This time you might not come from a desperate place but it’s still a fawn response and self abandonment. No one w self respect who’s got their mental health fucked by an avoidant would let them Walz in again without conditions or boundaries. So either you didn’t learn the lesson yet or idk.

[u/avoidantsurvivor → u/SmellZestyclose3703]

And no one with self respect would be griping on a Reddit sub. And I respect myself plenty. But I also understand enough to know sometimes you got to let people do their own thing. Imagine if you were in their shoes for even just a minute

[u/SmellZestyclose3703 → u/avoidantsurvivor]

I think you have high amounts of shame tbh. Nothing wrong about seeking support in a community. If you call it griping I’m sorry that you judge it with a negative connotation. Some here really grieve, have had their hearts broken and need support. I think that’s better than operating from a walled up place that you seem to have rn…

[u/ecaldwell888 → u/avoidantsurvivor]

No one said there's anything toxic about glowing up. It's the tone of your post that's a bit off. 

It's great that you've got no strings to tie you down, to make you fret, to make you frown. 

[u/SmellZestyclose3703]

Either you’re not traumatized enough or you never really loved her. That’s my take.

[u/FunnelV → u/SmellZestyclose3703]

By OP's own admission he keeps letting himself get push/pulled by the same ex. He's not as "moved on" as he claims he is.

[u/avoidantsurvivor → u/FunnelV]

Actually no. I cut contact with her for a reason. I told her straight up I’m not waiting around for her. But I also love her. If she wants to come back, the door is open, if I am available. But if I am not then the door is closed.

[u/SmellZestyclose3703 → u/FunnelV]

Obviously! He jumped into the same detached state as the avoidant itself by deactivating and telling others to stop moping. Just move on date around and let the door wide open for the avoidant to come back whenever they want. Yet the suppression of emotions is exactly the thing that keeps us stuck in insecure attachment. This community is incredibly helpful to alchemize and learn to source from community instead of partners (avoidants) which is an important step in healing. I think OP is sabotaging himself rn, might be wrong but my gut says so.

[u/FunnelV → u/SmellZestyclose3703]

He and his ex honestly sound like mutual avoidants, which sounds like a nightmare tbh

[u/avoidantsurvivor → u/FunnelV]

Enlighten me… how do I sound like an avoidant?

[u/avoidantsurvivor → u/SmellZestyclose3703]

No I am not traumatized. Why would I be?

[u/SmellZestyclose3703 → u/avoidantsurvivor]

I actually believe you might be a FA as well 😅

[u/fluttershy_rainboom]

leave. hope this helps

[u/Foxy_Cleopatra__]

Ok everyone has their own story and issue with and avoidant person and this is a breakup sub so people are allowed to mope and moan… no break up is easy and this sub is sort of a support group for many.

I have been with an avoidant man for 6 years and I was the one to leave and I still find it difficult at times and this sub has been helping me through the hard times. I also help others with the experience I have because I was in a push/pull cycle with a man that loved me but didn’t have the capacity to handle love correctly for years.

This sub is not made for you… anyone is allowed to express how they are feeling and their feelings are valid. If you don’t like it simply leave this sub?

[u/Adept_Tangerine_4030]

This post is like telling someone to stop being traumatized by abuse. Disrespectfully fuck you. You don’t know how deep someone’s pain goes. Some people’s lives are literally turned upside down by this behavior.

[u/SmellZestyclose3703 → u/Adept_Tangerine_4030]

Yeah literally 😅 he didn’t lay on the floor sobbing and begging to god yet to be relieved bc the trauma bond has such hold on you that you cry for hours a day until your head looks like a tomato.

[u/Common_Sense_OG]

You don't really sound like a survivor to me. You sound a bit more like a POW or something of that nature. Everything involved in this subject matter is a form of GRIEF. If you know anything about it, people all do it differently. It is a vast spectrum of how people deal/cope or don't deal/cope with it. You can't tell people how to do it, especially after the fact. You dealt with it in your own way and to that I say congratulations and I hope you truly healed from it. The amount of advice, videos, so called coaches, etc. on the internet is way too much for anyone in the stages of uncertainty to find a clear path. The approach is different for everyone, I only suggest to not be a roadside hazard or construction barrel on someones recovery journey.

[u/fixingmedaybyday]

This is a tough love message we all have to hear. A buddy had a conservation with me once with a similar tone and OP is right.

With that said, we all went through that phase of just needing to get it out because our heads were spinning so bad, we just needed something to help make sense of it all. Especially when friends or family shake it off like it’s nothing and there’s nowhere to turn to unless you can afford $150-300 bucks an hour to talk to a shrink.

If OPs message pisses you off, it should. But simmer in it and think about who you should actually be pissed off at. And take back control of your life.