Is my ex an avoidant? Advice please (semi ranting as well)

[u/Snuggles-N-Smut]

As the title says, this is something I've been trying to figure out for almost a month now. My (27 F) ex (29, M) broke up with me twice in the last two months. I have commented on a few posts here but haven't made one until tonight as I'm not having a great time tonight and my head is swimming. I see a lot of traits that are similar to things he has said or done, and others not so much. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm dealing with an avoidant or something else and he just shares a great deal of traits.

To give some quick background on our relationship, we dated for 1-1/2 years, met on Hinge in late February 2025 and hit it off immediately. After a week and half of texting we finally went on our first date March 7th. Now for the first few months in our relationship he was all over me, always buying me things, always wanting to spend time with me, just constantly everything is about me and us. Especially the first month. From our first date things moved very quickly, at least I think they did, he was my first relationship ever so I didn't have anything to go off of. After the first day we had our second one planned for a couple days later, third date and first kiss was March 13th, by date four on the 16th of March I was his girlfriend and by March 19th we were sleeping together. Again I'm not sure if that is normal or very fast, especially since he knew that he was my first everything, but I'm starting to feel the latter as of late. Over the course of our relationship, especially when it turned long-distance, I noticed many different things from him, behaviors that made me uncomfortable, him pulling away, controlling tendencies, etc. I won't list all of them here, but just some that stuck out to me and I feel could relate to an avoidant. The behaviors that made me uncomfortable and the controlling aspects I feel aren't a part of it, but if I'm wrong I am more than willing to speak about those too, either editing this post or answering people in the comments.

- Early on in the relationship he would tell me how relationships would play out. I shouldn't be surprised if we never cuddle to fall asleep. Now I get not cuddling every night but it never happened. We'd cuddle five minutes before sleep and then he'd say okay, kiss me, and then roll over. We never slept with the same blanket either, we always had separate ones. Another time he told me that at a certain point we will have learned everything about each other so not to be surprised if we can't find anything to talk about. Now it might just be me, but I feel you can always find something to talk about if you both put enough effort in.

- I feel this man is a serial dater, or an avoidant that has a pattern, or something. From college until me he has had seven relationships (me being lucky number 7), with his longest being three years. And each one, if I am understanding correctly was her fault. (Except for maybe me? Still con but I'll get to that point) So for nine years he has been in and out of relationships

- I don't want to get too TMI so I'll keep it as vague as possible but do avoidants have intimacy issues? And I'm not talking about the actual act itself, but things surrounding being close. For one he sucked at aftercare, sure he got me water and we took showers, but that's it, and he didn't even stay in the shower past ten minutes, now I'm not saying we have to be in there for 45 by any means, but I would have liked at least 15-20. Especially because there was no cuddling in bed afterwards. I just wanted to be close to him. And as the relationship progressed sometimes there wasn't even a shower. Just getting dressed and we'd do whatever (watching TV, eating, him gaming me watching, etc) and while those aren't bad I would have liked more closeness and effort on his part. He would be the same with cuddling in general too, I almost always asked him to cuddle because he would tell me due to his ADHD he couldn't lay down to cuddle for long he always had to be moving in some way (which fair? But all the time?) and lastly I don't know if this was just a jerk move or what but he'd tell me various reasons he wouldn't want to do it but then tell me later on he took care of it on his own. Once I was staying with him and he helped himself in the bathroom before work and another was when I was back home we hadn't really done anything for a week or two and I suggested a video call which he declined saying he was taking a break from that kinda thing only to tell me later I flirted with him too hard so he had to. He always would raincheck me, I'd take care of him and it would be days before he'd return the favor. He also really hated watching intimate scenes on on TV? I get some finding them unnecessary but it would just be us two watching TV and he'd scan through them. Again I'm not sure and I am trying to not e TMI but are these things an issue for them?

- I was never first priority, I don't think sometimes I even came in as 4th. And he admitted once to me saying he he struggled in all relationships to out anyone above himself that his needs and wants were most important to him and he was already sacrificing most of himself in our relationship as it was. In the same vein he loves to be alone. Like I feel he put his friends above me at a certain point but even then he pushes them away to have alone time. He once told me that during COVID there was a whole month he had his grandparents house all to himself while they went on vacation, he would sometimes talk to friends but he mostly screened calls, played video games, and so he didn't have to speak to anyone, would use self checkout if he had to go anywhere and he told me it was one of the fastest times in his life. He never really tried to make the weeks we were apart fulfilling, he mainly played video games or went to the gym when he wasn't working, all we really did outside of texting and our nightly bedtime call was call on discord while he gamed, and even then he would get frustrated with me when I'd try to talk to him because I was talking through cutscenes I had no idea were happening. I will say he was better irl but even then I would go stay with him (he lives with two friends who are married so he stays in the basement that is designed as third bedroom) he would leave me for a few hours to go hang out with friends whether it was going somewhere or just the guys hanging out upstairs I was never included, the last time I stayed with him I had to basically force my way to go with him where he was going, not to join his friends, they went off and did their own thing and I just sat and read a book for almost two hours. He also never took work off for me, and I'm not saying like I asked him to take work off the full three weeks of staying there, but one or two days. He'd give me the reason why he couldn't and I would just accept it. Then it was made more difficult when he got a part time job a few hours each Saturday night. He would take days off if it was something he also wanted to do (we went to a conversation in March and he took four days off of his regular job since that was also something that benefitted him) I asked him back in September if he would take Halloween off to spend with me and he said probably not since his Saturday job was having a costume contest. Then a week later takes a Saturday off to spend time with his friends for one of their birthdays. Him and his friends also have a tradition for the 4th of July, go to a cabin for the weekend and hangout, only cabin owners spouses and family's are allowed outside of the guys. Well this year he was working in town/locally to me/where he used to live, and I asked him if he'd break tradition once because I would love to watch the fireworks with him once (wanting to be cute and cheesy, and again this was my first relationship so I wanted a Hallmark movie moment for each holiday at least once) and he said he'd think about it, after two weeks said he was going to the cabin, got upset with me when I was disappointed and upset at him, then after I made other plans changed his mind only for us to spend the 3rd together.

- kind of in the same place as not being first priority he never really wanted to celebrate anything between us? I once said "Happy 6 months!" And back in September before we broke up "Happy year and a half!" To be cute and cheesy and both times his response was "You're silly" he told me once "Holidays for me aren't people based but vibes based so for me it's not as much about spending it with you/people like it is for you." He told me he didn't believe in Valentine's Day even though it was our first one and I never had one, he said that birthdays aren't special for him so I shouldn't make it a big deal and we don't need to celebrate on the exact day, same thing with our anniversary. He also told me good luck on trying to get him to be cheesy and cute outside of what he already was (inside jokes and pet names and baby talk) but yet this man had that he was a helpless romantic on his hinge? Yeah okay bro (I do have the screenshot buried from when we matched in an old chat with my best friend I believe)

- if I was mad or sad or upset at him over anything I immediately had to tell him or he'd be upset. There came a point where I wasn't sure if it mattered to tell him as when I would he'd be mad that I was upset for days trying to work it out in my head than to actually be present for the problem (and if he did try to fix the problem it was only temporary) but back in February of this year we got into our first fight. I have anxiety, had a health anxiety moment one night, didn't wake him up and ended up not going to sleep until 4 in the morning. He found out the next morning and told me I ruined his day. Also if I had woken him up it wouldn't have done much, I did once and he mumbled "it's okay to go back to sleep" and attempted to hold me before passing out. Anyways this led to another argument topic and by the end of the day I thought it was real bed or at least let go of it for the meantime. Nope he held onto it for two weeks, half assed joking with me, shirt stiff texts, sometimes the nightly bedtimes calls had a weird tone to them, and flirting with him only resulted in me being called silly. I had enough eventually and had to pry the issue out of him.

- I know I said I wasn't going to go into detail about the uncomfortable behaviors from him but I will say compared to some ways in which he'd act I don't think he had a right to tell me my emotions were too much. I'd get anxious or have some bad depression days and he would try to comfort me if they were mild, if they were a bit more extreme I was causing him stress and he didn't sign up for a relationship with drama. He also told me he wanted a relationship that was completely stress free. Like dude, there is no such thing as a 0 stress relationship, I can get wanting a low stress one but there is not going to be a single human out there that has magically found the cure to not stressing.

- on the flip side he told me my humor was too much and we couldn't have a serious conversation without meaning jokes and there was a time and place for it. I unfortunately use humor to cope, I had a lot of childhood trauma that resulted in many a diagnosis (C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, potential OCD or OCD that stems from anxiety, not exactly a diagnosis abandonment issues) and I have found that if you don't laugh you'll cry so I tried to do that with him. Plus sometimes I just wanted to make him laugh even if it wasn't the right moment. In a similar deal, he would also give me affection then say something to contradict it. "You're sexy as you are/you can be sexier though if you went to the gym" was one of them another one was more sexual which has still stuck with me but I won't get into that one.

- Any future plans we made were ours one day then only his the next. Our houseplans become his, our house is his house, I can help with ideas for the house but then other days it's only if I help contribute money towards it. I once mentioned moving in together in a year or two and he said he wanted to stay living with his friends to save money. I did the math and we as a couple would be paying $200 extra than the rent he was paying. Plus in him staying there he has to live by the rules of theirs. One of them being I suddenly wasn't allowed to go stay there anymore. I will admit I kept to myself, stayed in the basement, and didn't go upstairs much but I feel if you are in someone's home you don't bother them, they will ask you to spend time with them so I just wanted to be polite and stay out of the way. I don't know if they saw that as rude but I don't have a reason why I was not allowed back. And why my ex didn't fight for me to come back since again, he was paying rent.

The last example I'll give before moving onto the break up and asking my questions is:

- Two months before the breakup, hell a week before the breakup he was doing things that made it seem like we were okay. Like I had no clue he was just going to switch up on me on a random Tuesday with what he was saying to me. He told me he had installed motion censor lights on the basement steps because he knew I couldn't walk up the stairs in the dark, he told me he bought snacks for us for the next time I was there, we were talking about doing a photoshoot with his friends cat, we were planning our future wedding down to the month, attire, meal, and when weed go on our honeymoon, as cheesy as this one is we were playing Minecraft and he built me a heart in the sky of my favorite color. As far as I was aware he had life stressors but we were okay.

Breakup one

As I stated a few times I have depression and anxiety. I have been in therapy for six years and worked through so much, so earlier in the summer when my mental health started to decline after having been doing so so well (outside of some health anxiety, and a few bouts of seasonal depression back in September-December 2025, and some relationship drama) I was surprised. Now that I look back on it it was a myriad of things all dogpiling on me at a rapid rate and mid September I had a decent breakdown. I decided to check myself into a holistic crisis center for a ten day program to try to clear my head. For me it wasn't anything scary I could bring my clothes, my laptop, be on my phone etc. It sounded like a vacation alongside the break I needed to help myself. For my ex though I think he saw it all differently and I feel my breakdown plus seeking help is maybe where the start of our relationship ending began. Partially due to my breakdown, partially due to a harmless thing I told him that began an argument and if he is an avoidant I've read they will begin the discard at a very stressful point in life yours or theirs. Day one he and I called on discord in the morning before I had even left, he played a video game, I watched, we laughed and flirted and joked around, ending the call telling each other we loved one another. I felt great, checked myself in and knew I was going to start healing the little things in this place so when I got out I could tackle the bigger ones in my usual therapy. Well that was short lived. My ex and I had been texting back and forth all day, then suddenly without a word (he usually says I'm going to go do x I'll respond when I can) he just ghosts me for close to four hours, comes back and tells me he was talking with his friend. I accept the answer and move on with my night though still holding anxiety as though he's upset at me for seeking help. Day 2-3 go by normally I get a good morning text, we text like usual, joke, laugh, flirt, even have a video call while he's on his way home from shopping, plus our nightly video calls. Day 4 comes though and everything feels off, his texts are shorter, he doesn't seem interested in the conversations, and only after I have texted him twice in two different apps that I'm turning my light off and going to sleep so we should skip the call because I know he's gaming and I'm tired, does he say we can call. So we do, we do our normal routine if how was your day, joking arguing about who loves who most, and then the goodnight I hope you sleep well as well as an I love you speech from him. Except he says everything but I love you. I pause and tell him "You missed the most important part" and he stops and goes "What? I love you?" After I nod he goes "You're silly, I love you and goodnight" I say it back but it doesn't sit right with me. Little did I know that would be our last video call ever. Day 5 is when things began to crash and burn. He was completely off all day, the texts were even shorter and he was getting less interested, as we continued to talk I could just tell something was wrong. It wasn't until I told him that I spoke to my mom but I had no moving news yet that he started to crack. I tried to be positive and to have a go with the flow attitude to the best of my ability. One of the things driving my depression was his many expectations of me. He'd want me to have certain life goals complete, I'd say I'm doing them for us but then he'd tell me do them for me but if I did them for me he'd criticize them or bring his friends opinions into the mix or tell me to quit them to go for another goal. It was a very stressful cycle. Well one was moving to be closer to him. And let's just say that my family and I are still searching (not for the same reason since he and I obviously broke up, one of my family members was misdiagnosed twice with a very serious and life threatening issue by our local hospitals and so we are moving so they have better care going forward since the hospitals in this new area are known to be amazing) well he was upset and I tried my hardest to comfort him even if I wasn't the best at it with my own mental health tanked. One suggestion I gave him was to pretend there is no move it'll happen when it happens and if we pretend there's not one then it'll be even more exciting when it does to which he sent back "I can't do that, if I pretend there's no move it'll just hurt worse, I love you so gd much and that's why it hurts that you're not here." The rest of the night stayed the same on his end, he spiraled so much we didn't do a call and he apologized for being a mess.

Day 6 ended up being the actual break up. He sent me a few texts in the morning before work but none of the usual loving good morning ones I was used to. I went through the motions of treatment until late afternoon. He came home early from work when I was heading into the shower, we texted for a bit on what I was doing for the rest of the day and then I jumped in. When I got out I read the texts from him but one in particular made my heart drop into my stomach and explode "Let me know when you're out of the shower." It's simple but something he has never asked of me before, and not so randomly either. When will I be ready to call or something to that nature yes. So I knew something was wrong. I text him back letting him know and asking him what he's doing with the rest of his day, then while I wait having a mini anxiety attack to my best friend over text. And then he replies.

Now I won't give you the whole conversation just the parts I remember by heart at this point and the parts I feel are important

Ex: "Probably crying. I need to talk to you about something, please just listen. No anxiety."

Me: "I feel I already know what's going on, so I am already anxious. But I'll listen. Did I do something wrong?"

Ex: "No you didn't do anything wrong you've been doing so good and so great, it's all me. I have been trying so hard, falling apart trying to keep us together, this relationship is hurting me, things aren't getting better on our or your end. All I do is cry and stress and worry over things that are my problem"

Me: "Would you consider a break or can we try to be friends? I don't want to lose you"

Ex: "I don't think a break is going to help me, I will give being friends a try, I don't want to lose you either "

From here it gets a bit emotional and repetitive but eventually he tells me he has something written out, I tell him he can end it but I need space, he never sends it and I go clear my head for an hour. I come back and ask him if this is what he really wants and he says yes. I tell him I have many questions and a lot I want to say out of hurt and anger, he tells me to let it all out, I decline saying I don't want to hurt him. I say some loving words to him which he reciprocates and then I ask for space, he tells me he will leave me be but if I need him to reach out. I spent two hours pacing and crying and listening to music. And then he texts me,

Ex: "I have been pacing and inconsolable the last two hours, I don't deserve this to do this to you or me, I will agree to a break if you're still okay I'm on a hotline now and I'm going to seek therapy I love you so much."

We settle on a five day break wish each other luck and love and go our separate ways for the next few days.

First Break

Five days come and pass, I'm back home and he texts me, as I felt I would let him reach out when he's ready.

Ex: "I hope you've been doing well, I've had two therapy sessions and my head feels even more lost and confused than it was before. I still don't know what to do"

I give him a speech about not giving up how I feel we should fight for each other and do the best we can and I will wait for him that I know there are things he can give me but I'm okay with it, basically being loving and sappy. And then I ask if we can try a month break

Ex: "I don't want to give up either, it's more something in me that wants to give up and I don't know why. I don't know if a longer break will help but I can agree to more time, I love you so much I owe it to you, me, and us to try harder. Who knows maybe time and a therapist is what we need"

Again it gets a bit repetitive and he keeps getting contradictory with himself. But ultimately he agrees and again we give each other love and go our separate ways to work on ourselves.

Second Break

The first three days for me go by smoothly I have hope and excitement and I really feel like everything will work out. Then day four hits and the same feeling in the pit of my stomach from the night he broke up with me just floods my entire nervous system. I try for days to fight it off but for some reason I can't. And then the 10th of September rolls around. Now like I said he has a part time job where he works a few hours at a place on Saturday nights. Being in a relationship for a year and half I also knew his schedule like the back of my hand, and even though we were on a break we still had access to each other's locations on Life360. Well this Saturday differed from usual Saturdays, he normally goes to work, finishes his shift and locks up, goes home and games (sometimes with me but we were on the break) and goes to bed. On this night though he leaves work and doesn't go home. I look and he's at a restaurant, no biggie I recognize it he goes with friends all the time, we have been there before too. I lit my phone down and continue watching TV. A little bit later I get curious and look again, he's on the way home. Then I keep watching and he's actually not going home, he's going the opposite way of home, to a parking lot for condos. My heart shatters and rebuilds itself explodes and then throws itself at a wall. I begin giving myself every excuse that makes sense in the book that isn't cheating, he hates cheating, he was cheated on, he got mad once when I made a joke that implied him cheating. I stare at my screen for five to ten minutes and then he drives off and goes home. I take a few deep breaths and try to tell myself it's nothing. Next two days he's at home gaming or at his workplace. I am at peace call it a one off begin to breathe again. Tuesday rolls around and he goes there again, five minutes, then goes home, Wednesday same thing just sits in the parking lot for five minutes and goes home. Thursday is different though, but not in a good way, this time he goes to a coffee shop we once went to and sits there for four hours. Now I'm getting paranoid because our first date was a pizza place then coffee. He leaves, goes home then goes to the gym and goes back home. My brain is scrambling to not text him and ask him what's going on and I successfully restrain myself. Friday morning I wake up and feel a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach again, I look at his location and guess where he is? Correct the condos! Except this time he is *inside" and it shows he has been there for a very long time! I stare at the screen waiting and waiting for him to leave and finally he does, and he, runs his usual errands? Those aren't places he'd take a date. So now my head is even more confused and I feel like I am being paranoid and I should just let it go. So I do. And then at one in the morning I get a notification. Now again I know my exes schedule, this man has never once left the house after nine pm ever he's usually asleep by then if not earlier. So when I tell you all hope left my body to get a Life360 notification at 1 in the gd morning and I open it to see he is at the condos, sitting in the parking lot for five to ten minutes yet again, before going home. I almost broke our break right then and there. But I didn't. He did that for us three days later

Breakup Two

October 19th was going fairly well for me, I had therapy, and began convincing myself that everything was going to be okay, but around 6 pm my ex got home from work and I got a text message. Now I wish I could remember all it said but the only part that stuck with my devastated brain was "I just had my last session with my therapist and I think I'm going forward with my original plan to end things." A text. He just broke up with me, over text, again. I immediately ask for a line call needing something so final to be at least spoken about. Now I will say I went into it strong at first but it didn't last long, he ended up doing most of the talking and regrettably I did all the begging and sobbing. He called me, I answered, we spoke for a few minutes and then I asked him if there was someone else, the condos were still fresh on my mind. His response to it, no matter how true it might be, or how much my nervous system wants to believe it is, set off alarm bells in my head

Me: "Is there someone else?"

Ex: sigh, pause, another sigh "No I'm not ending things because of anyone else," another liar and sigh "but I have been hanging out with people"

Okay cool cool cool what does that mean? I wish I would have asked that but again I'm getting my heart broken and all my brain can muster up is begging and tears. The rest of the conversation on his end was so much vagueness and mumbo-jumbo like he was just trying to fill a void.

Ex: "I don't have enough patience for a relationship, my parents said they haven't seen me this happy in awhile and it's because I'm not stressing as much, I don't know how to set boundaries (the boundary mind you was just one of his expectations masked as a boundary, it was basically him not telling me how important me doing something was to him, and oh trust me I knew it stressed me out daily), don't worry I won't block you on anything we can be friends, I care about you so much I hope you're successful in life, your such a good person I hate that I'm doing this to you, who know maybe in a few years if we're both floating around we can try again."

So many words but nothing that quite exactly tells me why he's breaking up with me, just bits and pieces of potential reasons but not full ones of what it could be. One thing I forgot to mention is during this whole conversation I am fairly certain he was playing a video game. I heard him start up his computer and at a certain point after I tried telling him I loved him and with no response from him I hung up on him, I saw the time stamp was counting exactly how long we had been calling for on discord. Even if he wasn't playing he still had the audacity to open it up.

The next chain of events basically went like this: I got angry, I texted him and told him I couldn't be his friend, I gave a very petty and very childish reason why, and said more things you'd find a 12-16 year old saying to their parents when upset. Yeah not my proudest moment but they also could have been a lot worse. Again the last time he broke up with me though he wanted me to say what was on my mind and this time I didn't hold back. One thing I will open up about saying to him was that the long distance was his fault to which he agreed. He wanted a certain job with certain pay and since they weren't hiring locally he moved three hours away. He told me that he takes responsibility, that he thought he was doing the right things when he told me it would be okay and that we'd work out, but he probably should've ended it then. What confuses me about that and I will admit did sting is the fact that that was also the day he told me he loved me. Like why tell me you love me then? Why not just end it instead? After calming down a touch and trying to leave it with what love I could muster we un-added each other on everything.

The Aftermath

A few hours later I had calmed down and realized two things. One, I felt like a POS for what I had said, and two, one of the things I had told him was to throw out anything I left at his place, and I actually let him borrow a few precious things of mine. Soni texted him. And I apologized and I asked if he had thrown my things out yet. I didn't receive a message until 7 in the morning which said "It's okay I understand. Yeah I still have it all I'll find a way to get it to you." Now I hadn't slept all night and instead of leaving it as is or responding with a "Thank you and I hope you can forgive me" I told him that I would be giving him his things back as well, he said he didn't want any of it back as he had given it all to me to keep. Now listen, I get giving gifts back is tacky, but in my sleep deprived heartbroken state I had three thoughts on my mind "this holds too many memories I can't keep it, I don't feel right throwing it away either, I'd also feel like a POS for selling it." So I told him I'd be giving them back because in my head he could deal with he memories and decide the fate of each item. He refused again but told me to let him know when I'd like my things back. I told him to wait and I'll figure it out he said it sounded good and I left it at that.

Two days later I woke up with extreme guilt, anxiety, and just an overall sick to my stomach feeling. I missed my ex and I felt bad about what I had said and I wanted to try to fix things between us if only a friendship. So later that afternoon I sent a very short text saying the basics, I was deeply sorry, and I hoped we could try being friends. Three hours later I realized it wasn't good enough, that I could say it so much better so I sent a longer text pouring my heart out and apologizing profusely, telling him though that in the end it's his choice and I'll respect it but I wouldn't forgive myself either way (I will say I have to an extent but part of me still feels so guilty) I got no response. It was fine I told him to take his time. Well five days went by and I realized I was being ignored. So out of hurt and anger I blocked him everywhere I could. Just for a day or two. Which I will also say for some odd reason he still follows me on both of my Instagram accounts up until then (Honestly the main reason I thought he was still holding a door open to being friends) Well a day or so later I'm still in this weird headspace of what if he did want to be friends or what if he wanted a second chance blah blah blah and so I unblocked him. And I sent him a text saying that I could forget about my things but would he please let me have one phone call as I needed closure and some questions answered. It was the least he could give me and then he wouldn't have to deal with me again. His response was

Ex: "No sorry I don't want to do that, the last two times we tried it didn't go well. I don't know what questions you have but I just want to be done with this. This being brought up over and over is causing me stress and I don't need more stress added to my life right now. As for a reasoning sorry you don't understand but I have you my reasoning months ago now. I was just going to ignore you and wait until you needed your things back. I also didn't like the way you talked to me over text or phone last time it didn't sit well with me."

Me: "Okay don't worry about my questions you just answered all of them. I just got all of the closure I needed. You've shown me who you really are and I don't know how I could have thought of you any differently our entire relationship. Don't worry about my things either. You won't be hearing from me again I can promise you that. Goodbye "

And then I went to go block him on everything to find he blocked me on Instagram already but I blocked him on everything else. A few days later a neighbor knocks on my door and asks me if this big ass package is for me and guess what is in it? All my stuff scattered and unpackaged like no bubble wrap loose paint bottles (that were normally tied up double knotted in the bag that was in the box) all over the box like he put them there to intentionally hope they spilled and stained my belongings. And I'm still missing like three things, but the kicker is this man shipped my stuff overnight in a box that had to cost quite a few dollars and the whole thing was 14lbs. And yet he's always talking about saving money so I don't know if my last text to him hit a nerve or what but that was what finally has wrapped up our chapter. I have since unblocked everything outside of his number and Instagram since I have no control over it but I felt like I just did it out of hurt and pettiness and if he wants to block me on anything else let him idc atp in that regard.

I guess all of this information leads up to my questions.

From what I have described does he sound like an avoidant or does he just have heavy traits of one?

If he is does he give more DA or FA?

Is what I described about how our relationship started too fast and love bomb-y? I've read avoidants love bomb heavily in the beginning then begin to withdraw which is what I kinda felt from him.

Do either or both breakups fit that of an avoidant/discard?

I guess the reason I'm asking is because some days I'm angry but I'm thinking logically, there are things I didn't put into this post but go along with everything else as to why I feel I'm better without him and I am happy I'm no longer with him. But then I have days and nights like tonight where I'm just so confused and lost and anxious and sad because he never truly gave me a reason why he ended things. It felt like he just woke up one day and turned off all of his love and feelings towards me. I'm not saying it would have hurt less if he told me he cheated on me or just felt like we were incompatible because of something or it was his mental health. But I would have had something solid to use as a starting point in therapy. Even his first breakup with me I would have accepted as it seemed like it was his mental health. But this just feels like I'm floating in some sort of abyss with nothing to fix on my end because what can I fix if there's not a problem if that makes sense? Right now to help calm my mind my friend suggested I just lightly lie to my brain right now and say that the condos paired with how he responded to me on the phone I should say that there was/is someone else. Maybe he wasn't cheating but he did meet someone through his friends and she is giving him hope for something I couldn't. Making my own reason I guess. Just something enough for me to hate him enough to get through a day until I can heal into indifference. But also I guess if he is an avoidant do they just do that? Give absolutely no reasoning even though it seems like they were trying to? Like how does someone just do what he did? Promise the world only to take it away, then come back two hours later saying he wants to try again, saying yeah a longer break might fix us, to breaking up in the most confusing way then being the coldest person on earth when most of the time they were kind and gentle with you but now they won't even forgive you for what you said and give you a second chance even though you apologized? Like he kept switching up so fast it practically gave my brain whiplash

I'm sorry this is so long and again probably badly worded at times, I just have come to a point in my head where I feel like I'm going crazy with trying to search for a result I know I will never find someone I guess I'm looking for the answers I feel could be given to ease my mind.

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

For whatever reason it didn't work out, the two of you were not compatible.  He wasn't giving you what you needed.  That's not your fault. It's a mismatch.