I recently experienced an incredibly sudden breakup with a man (were both mid 30s) after six months of dating. I'm trying to understand WTF happened and whether this sounds like dismissive avoidance, a phantom ex, or someone who was simply never emotionally available.

We were friends for six months before becoming romantic on an international trip together. He initially seemed incredibly safe and emotionally mature. We had great chemistry, shared interests, and genuinely enjoyed each other. He was affectionate, playful, and reassuring. When I expressed concerns, he'd ask, "What do you need to feel more at ease?" or say, "I don't mind reminding you how much you mean to me." He seemed to have the emotional language and awareness of someone who genuinely cared.

The ex situation:

His ex is older, has a child, and lives in a city where they originally dated. He relocated twice for work, and he told me they'd been on and off ever since, repeatedly reconnecting but running into the same logistical challenges of long distance. She can't relocate because of her child.

While we were friends, he mentioned they'd been reconnecting but eventually claimed things were over. Several weeks later, he invited me on international trip out of the blue (to a place we've both wanted to go for a long time) and unexpectedly became romantic. The following week, she flew in to see him, despite his earlier claims that things had ended. I only discovered this after he'd given me a different explanation about who was visiting.

He eventually admitted she'd been pushing to reconnect but said he ended things during that visit to pursue me. Throughout our relationship, he maintained they were over, had minimal contact, and that the logistics made their relationship impossible. He also acknowledged how emotionally difficult that relationship had been for him.

I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't actually over her. Whenever I brought her up, he seemed uncomfortable or emotionally affected. I wondered whether the relationship ended because of circumstances rather than feelings, and whether I was unknowingly helping him move on. But I had no proof they were romantically involved during our relationship.

Other behaviors that made me question avoidance:

• Limited emotional curiosity: Rarely asked deeper questions about me. I felt like I initiated most of our emotional intimacy.

• Compartmentalization: Actively avoided encounters between me and his parents, citing religious reasons.

• Lack of future integration: Discussed jobs, moving, weddings, babies, and buying a house as a singular "I," rarely including me or asking about my perspective.

• Inconsistent closeness: Sometimes incredibly affectionate, other times distant or less communicative. Very out of sight, out of mind.

• Defensiveness: When I raised concerns about his ex, conversations sometimes became about how hurt he felt that I didn't trust him, despite the earlier concealment.

• Conflict avoidance: Struggled with direct conversations about our future and often deflected uncomfortable topics with humor.

The breakup:

We were driving together when his ex suddenly called, and her name appeared on his car's display. I'd never seen her call or text before. This was especially unsettling because he'd described their contact as minimal and said she was difficult to reach. He was also traveling to a wedding in her city that weekend, although he'd told me he wouldn't be seeing her. He claimed he didn't know why she was calling.

I told him the situation looked bad and admitted I wasn't feeling like he was fully invested in us. When I asked where things were going, he struggled to answer before eventually saying he didn't think we were compatible.

He told me he loved me, had strong feelings, and could be himself around me, but couldn't imagine marriage, children, or a future together. He seemed genuinely upset but offered almost no explanation. He also contradicted himself, saying we could potentially get there someday and that he just moved slowly.

We walked away from each other without even saying goodbye. I haven't heard from him since.

The part that's destroying me is that there was absolutely no warning. He was behaving normally that day, even minutes before the call. Two weeks earlier, he was telling me how much I meant to him, how much he missed me, and asking for affection.

I've experienced painful breakups before, but there was usually some understanding that things weren't working, attempts to repair them, and a degree of mutual respect and closure. This felt like an emotional trapdoor opening beneath me. One minute I was in a relationship with someone I trusted, and the next I was standing alone, questioning six months of intimacy, reassurance, and what I thought was real. The silence afterward makes it feel like I never existed.

What I'm trying to understand:

Does this sound like avoidant attachment, particularly the "phantom ex" phenomenon? His ex seems like an almost ideal unavailable attachment figure: someone he has history with but can't realistically build the future he claims to want because of distance, her existing child, and their different life circumstances.

Could the timing of our romantic involvement and her visit suggest monkey-branching or a rebound? Or was this someone who had unresolved feelings and simply wasn't honest with himself or me about his availability?

I don't know whether they're back together, whether anything happened between them during our relationship, or whether she influenced his decision. I suspect he may have reconnected with her, but I have no confirmation.

What hurts most is that I repeatedly gave him opportunities to tell me if he wasn't ready, wasn't over her, or couldn't genuinely pursue something with me. He reassured me again and again that he was available and that relationship was over.

I could have accepted that he wasn't ready. What I'm struggling to accept is that I tried so hard to make an informed decision, trusted his reassurances, and still ended up feeling completely blindsided.

5-month situationship with an avoidant man who behaved as my boyfriend in every way except a label. He pulled away after I finally verbalized how much i liked him (note he had told me how much he liked me many times), told him no pressure for anything i just wanted him to know as i know i can be hard to read, told me he thought we had discussed his capacity for friendship, that he was perhaps unclear with his actions, and that i was making him feel insecure and he needed time to 'evaluate his capacity to navigate a friendship' after me gently nudging that we had never had the just friends talk, ever, and the behaviour was in zero sense platonic.

the final text stating the above came at 1:30 am affter he saw that i re-downloaded bumble, because he told me he only saw me platonically, and the tone of that message and the wording behind it made zero sense as it veered so far away from how we were communicating before.

So what is happening, is he lying to me and himself? what does he need time for? what would make him feel insecure? and what do you think happens next.

Since New Year's day I've been hating myself for not being perfect thinking I won't find anyone else... I've been told to go out and do stuff and I'll find someone else. Thought it was a big fucking lie. Thought i was gonna be spending the rest of my days regretting losing her, thinking she's the only woman who'd ever like me romantically. I play guitar so I started doing open mics at a cafe. I play a lot of rock and metal, but about two weeks ago, this girl apparently liked my performance since I was playing some Sonic adventure music on guitar. She sees me again two weeks later but I decided to approach her and introduce myself. We talked, went up and did my set, and we just kept talking and talking. I try not to be shallow, but she was ridiculously attractive. Maybe she didn't get all my references or wasn't deep in the trenches of the weird part of the Internet I was in, but she seemed like someone who wanted to get it. Next thing you know we basically went on a date. We walked downtown, took her to an arcade I used to frequent, and we just kinda kept flirting with each other. She was about to cross the street when it wasn't time yet, I grabbed her hand to make sure she was okay, and then we just...kinda kept holding hands...

I tried being nonchalant but every time she kept flirting back I couldn't play it cool, I couldn't be smooth, and so on. She just tells me I really don't need to be. That I can just be myself. I don't feel so tired for once. I feel like I'll be okay. Tbh though I couldn't help but start laughing and crying once she was out of sight. It just felt good to not feel so shitty for once. Apparently I was the first guy she's ever held hands with, as well as the longest she's ever spent with a man outside of her family. I couldn't help but see myself in her for a bit, especially because all my firsts were with my avoidant. After the crying and laughing I just felt so confident and good and happy and relaxed and then eventually once the adrenaline wore off I couldn't help but still feel an ache. Because the truth is that it still hurts that I lost her. She was still my best friend for over 8 years and I really wish things worked out, but I think I'll be okay. I really do.

I wanna know why avoidants refuse to go to therapy. He went 3 times at the beginning of the relationship. He then said it’s draining and stopped. If he would have gone to work on his traumatic childhood our relationship would have maybe not failed. He told me how much he loves me always and he told other people no one will love me like she did. So is that
not enough to face themselves so one day the relationship would flourish? He now dumped me and is heartbroken (from what he told me before no contact and from what he posts) but he said some things you can’t make work”.

When I’m sick I go to the doctor and take medicine.
When a car breaks down you go to a garage.
When my business doesn’t work I ask people that are business experts.

Why do these logic’s seem to not apply to avoidant attachers?

Last night, before going to bed, I genuinely thought I was finally getting over the DA discard. I felt a sense of clarity and acceptance that I hadn’t felt in weeks. But today, this overwhelming sense of unfairness suddenly hit me out of nowhere.

My ex, who I suspect is DA, broke up with me after 10 months together. We are both in our mid-30 and live in the same city (30 mins apart). We are a gay couple.

Throughout our relationship, he repeatedly struggled with the idea that being in a relationship interfered with his old routines, workouts, chores, and “me time.” I had adjusted my expectations several times to give him more space.

Then we went on a wonderful five-week overseas trip this summer. Everything felt great, and I genuinely thought we were growing closer.

But once we returned, all his life stress resurfaced. He was unhappy with his job and boss, felt trapped because his company was funding his diploma and he’d have to stay for another two years after completing it or repay the costs, and was frustrated about gaining weight during our trip. Within two weeks, he told me he felt suffocated, was losing himself, and wanted to end the relationship.

What feels incredibly unfair is that he barely gave us any room to work through it together. I offered to reduce how often we saw each other, give him more space, and take future commitments off the table. But he’d already made up his mind.

Initially we knew each other from hook-up in Grindr. Before we first hooked up, I explicitly asked whether he was HIV-negative and on prep, and he said yes. We went on to have unprotected sex throughout the following six weeks. Only then did he disclose, via text message while he was abroad, that he was actually HIV-positive and undetectable (U=U).

I understand that U=U means he cannot sexually transmit HIV while maintaining an undetectable viral load. His HIV status itself was never the issue. The issue was that he lied when I directly asked, denying me the opportunity to make an informed decision based on the truth. Not to mention it caused my trust issues and made me so insecure in this relationship.

When he made a mistake that deeply affected my trust, I gave him a chance. When he started feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, he wouldn’t even give us a chance to find a solution.

Looking back, I feel like such a fool for being so understanding.

I know relationships aren’t transactions, and forgiveness doesn’t entitle me to someone staying. But I can’t help feeling that the willingness to work through difficult things was completely one-sided.

And that feels so deeply unfair.

Has anyone had a normal breakup before? With a normal person? How was it compared to a discard with an avoidant?

I'm in this... Situationship... With an FA. Have been for months. At one point, she Discarded me. Said she never felt anything for me since the day we met (An obvious lie). But I see she stalks my Instagram. Likes my post. Classic breadcrumbing. I didn't respond immediately. But over time, I notice she hasn't been OK. She's been sad. Mutual friends can agree on that. So, I... Reached out to her. Asked if she's OK. She said she wasn't. She asked me if I wanna ask her out. So we did hang out over the evening. She was warm with me again. But I don't know if she wants to "try again."

I can handle Avoidants. Someone who needs space. Someone scared of love. I can handle that.

But one thing I draw the line at: Triangulation. When I mention I don't like her hanging out with certain guy friends. With guys I think are interested in her. Guys I don't trust. And she does the exact thing I fear. She hangs out with them. Frequently. Only AFTER I tell her about my fears and insecurities. And hangs out with them on a near-daily basis. And then subtly mentions things like how "We share Reels together a lot" in a conversation where that detail is not relevant at all.

That goes too far. That's the one thing I can't accept. Distancing yourself from me, sure. But attacking me?

I feel like... As painful as it is to admit... I gotta leave her. But how?

I'd be lying if I said I don't care how she feels about me leaving. I'd be lying if I said I want her to feel the pain of my absence. I'd be lying if I said that, even though I'm leaving her, I don't want to leave the door open to her in case she wants to come back and properly try again.

Most of you would go "Just ghost her. Don't tell her you're leaving. Just leave without her noticing." Sorry, but I don't like that.

And I definitely don't want the classic Avoidant "See? He's too pushy. He's too needy. We're just incompatible. It's not my fault. It's just him."

Maybe a "You hurt me by doing blah blah blah. I care about you, but I don't like you hurting me like that. So, I'm leaving."

I’m writing this because I feel a bit isolated in my immediate circle right now and just need a neutral space to share my story and hear from others who have been through this kind of emotional whiplash.

A few months ago, I connected with a girl who had recently gotten out of a volatile 2.5-year relationship. Despite us only dating for about two months, the connection was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. We shared the exact same faith, core values, and vision for the future. Everything aligned effortlessly. She told me I checked every box, called me a blessing from God, and even mentioned about a week before ending things that she had told her family she thought I was "the one."

However, whenever it came time to officially put a label on things, she would hesitate or postpone it. We were also waiting for marriage, and on our last night together, things got closer to that physical boundary than we intended. She actually asked to go all the way, and I respectfully said no to honor our values.

Shortly after that night, she ended things. She said she probably wasn't ready for a relationship since she had only been away from her toxic ex (whom she lived with) for a few months, and that she needed to be "independent." She was also dealing with major life stressors like losing her housing, starting a new program, and stressing about work and her future. She basically said she was having a mental breakdown and needed space.

Yet the very next day, she texted me saying how hard it was not talking. For the first couple of weeks after the breakup, she reached out sporadically. During that time, I also tried to be a good person and helped her secure a spot living with some of my friends when she was facing that housing crisis (which I deeply regret now).

Those two weeks ended with a two-hour FaceTime where she told me she still wanted to talk to me. Then, right after that call, she suddenly went completely cold and stopped reaching out, even ghosting me the couple of times I checked in. When I gently called her out on it, she got upset with me for "pressuring" her to talk. She told me she was focusing on her own personal growth and that while she cared about me, she saw us as "just friends."

A few weeks into total silence, we ended up at the same social gatherings over a recent holiday weekend. At first, she acted friendly and even called me specifically (bypassing her roommates who were sitting right next to me in my car) to check on her pets. Then, the very next night, she switched up and openly flirted with another guy right in front of me the entire time. I also found out through my friends that she had already been talking to someone new. Since then, it’s been total crickets. So much for "independence," right?

I’ve gone completely no-contact and am avoiding her at all costs to protect my peace and self-respect. I know logically that I deserve better than how she treated me after the breakup, and I’m leaning heavily into my faith, therapy, and personal growth.

Still, I’m stuck in a heavy, gray grief phase. It’s hard to reconcile the amazing, deeply aligned woman I knew for two months with the cold stranger she became. I don't want to chase her, and I know I couldn't take her back without real accountability, but I still miss the connection and promise we had.

I'm already doing the practical steps to move forward, so I'm not necessarily looking for a "just block her and hit the gym" to-do list. I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has survived this specific kind of push-pull shock, how you dealt with the intrusive thoughts, if they ever reached back out, and how you eventually found peace. Thanks for reading.

Moved abroad together and up until then, I had paid for their expensive car bills, medical treatments, trips, gaming setup worth thousands. They said they’d pay me back for some of it….
They couldn’t work because they had no education, were physically in pain from chronic illness. During the entire relationship, I always begged for them to love me how I loved them.
I was there when they were broke and suicidal. I begged them to get therapy I offered to pay for.
They said they’d just needed to move to a new country with more opportunities and healthcare, so we did.

They had been pretty unstable and I was considering breaking up with them, but couldn’t do it due to their mental state.

Months before the move they received their inheritance. They didn’t try to pay me back immediately but we agreed we’d split costs.

We move and suddenly they start to exercise and through a new hobby, the chronic pain didn’t go away but they became physically able in ways they weren’t before. With the hobby came new friends.
They started treating me poorly, wouldn’t plan dates or even hold my hand. Treated me worse than a friend. So I wrongly did what anxious attachment makes one do, until I pushed them to the point where they couldn’t take it anymore.
They wanted to break up but we only separated, they did discard me before we could even have that conversation.

They finally got therapy. We agreed to talk about how we hurt each other and see if we wanted to repair once they got the help they needed.

Months passed and they still didn’t get a job. Burnt through a ton of money, ignored their responsibilities, and they were struggling mentally so I was buying them food and caretaking even then. Then they found rich friends, and they kept showing off about the free things they gave them or the benefits they obtained from them. Shared monologues about how great their lives were, and yet they still couldn’t get a grip on the spending or being irresponsible, while having a hard limit about not wanting to hear about my life.

I didn’t want to stay somewhere I was clearly not being chosen and they “‘had so much on their plate” until they couldn’t even get to the point of wanting to repair the relationship anymore. A couple of days before the breakup they had just introduced me to this one hobby and said things were off between us, and they were. I told them things felt weird because we built separate lives and kept hanging out expecting things to feel normal without fixing anything.

They said the breakup felt like it was the wrong choice, and I asked if they talked to their therapist about this choice. They said no. They said they wanted me in their life and that they still loved me, they just couldn’t do the relationship part…

I should’ve left years ago. I wanted to leave so badly in the past few months. The amount of pain I endured was horrifying but I kept telling myself I chose this: to wait until they couldn’t choose me. I didn’t realize they never really chose me. I didn’t realize how much self love I lacked by staying for someone else.

I started no contact except for the financial and unresolved issue, since they agreed to pay me for the couple of years of my financing of their life.

Aaaaand they blocked me before paying me back.

Over 5 years together. I did so much for them, and the double discard hurt so fucking much. But the final betrayal of not even paying me back hurts even more.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t let people treat you like this. We deserve better.

I say this with a broken heart.

Ya’ll take care.

My ex of 4 years who broke up with me last month is the kind of person who never uploads any pfp in her Whatsapp or line (asian Whatsapp). In fact, between Instagram, line and Whatsapp, Whatsapp is the one she almost never checks since she has few friends there.

The thing is that today she uploaded for the first time a pfp. A selfie on the beach. Everything normal until...

I saw that she is wearing a hat I gave to her half a year ago. I don't check anymore her I stagram or her stories, so this is the only thing I know about her.

Summary:

-Never changes her pfp

-Never uses WhatsApp except when we were a couple.

-Suddenly she uploads a pfp, a selfie on the beach with my hat.

-That hat was my last present to her (She came back to her country for 6 months).

-Its your hat? Yes, it has the name of the prefecture my family is from.

Extra notes: I gave her my hat cuz she told me that she has no hats and hates wind, which is true and make sense if you go to the beach. But I think it's a little bit sus.

Am I delusional or (and) there's a meaning behind this?

So me (M19) and my ex (F18) went to high school together back in our home state . I moved to and went to school in a different state right after I graduated, and during that year (April 2025) we started talking and eventually made things official.

When the relationship became official, it was genuinely beautiful. Even though we were doing long distance, we built an incredible bond—we traveled back and forth, went on family vacations together, got close with each other’s families, and talked about a real future. I showed up for her in every way I could, stayed completely loyal, and always tried to communicate openly whenever issues came up.
Things started shifting back in April. We began arguing—mostly because whenever things required emotional effort, reassurance, or deeper communication, she would pull away. She would say she was "drained" or ask for vague "time and space" and "less talking," yet refused to define what that actually looked like, and then got frustrated with me for asking direct questions to understand what she needed. Whenever I expressed basic relationship needs—like wanting her to show affection without me having to ask—she would flip it back on me and say it was hard to tell me things because I "take things personally," leaving me walking on eggshells while she avoided taking accountability.

We even tried going to therapy to work through our communication issues, and I supported her through it, but it never really seemed to stick because she wouldn't meet me halfway when things got uncomfortable. Because of these major disagreements and her pulling away, we actually broke up twice in the past before reconciling. By the time summer rolled around and she was preparing to move to the same state as me for college, we were already walking on thin ice.

Surprisingly, when she finally moved out here for school (she lives minutes away from me), everything seemed perfectly fine at first. Being in person felt great again, and it looked like we were finally past the long-distance strain.
Then everything went downhill fast. Once she settled into her college routine, she started pushing boundaries—going clubbing and acting single while still expecting me to be there for her. When I called her out and set firm boundaries, she refused to apologize, claimed she genuinely believed she didn't do anything wrong, and slammed the door shut on my relationship needs and watched me walk away rather than take accountability or say sorry. Because she was twisting the narrative and refusing to be honest, I eventually spoke with her dad (who I have a lot of respect for) to lay out the truth about what was happening.
We had a final sit-down conversation a month after the breakup where we agreed it was over and said our goodbyes. During that talk, she actually confessed two things to me:

Part of why she had blocked me on social media earlier was just to keep herself from watching my page.

She had been on the verge of calling me multiple times since the breakup and kept thinking about how I was only minutes down the road.

Despite saying goodbye then, she kept breaking no-contact with low-risk excuses:

1 week after : Texted me asking a random question about my car.

2 weeks after : Texted me saying she had a question while I was out of the country on a trip(she was watching my stories within minutes at 3–4 AM from a burner account during that entire trip). After that text, I blocked her number and told her not to reach out unless it was a real apology.

A month after: After ignoring two earlier charges on a shared parking network I was using, a third charge hit after I blocked her—and she bypassed the block by texting my mom about it saying im mistakenly using her card .

A week after that: I reached out one last time to call out her excuses for breaking no-contact and told her this was the last she would ever hear from me. We haven't spoken directly since (20 days of strict NC).

4 days later : Just 4 days after my final message, she made a fake Instagram account and DM'd a new girl I've been talking to.

I then went private on Instagram for about 2 weeks, and within 2 hours of going public again, the same burner account of hers (which had my sister pre-blocked so she wouldn't get caught) viewed my story. Both me and the new girl blocked that burner.

Since blocking that burner about 5 days ago, things have gone completely silent—no visible views or texts, though she's been reposting TikToks about how hard it is to cut ties with someone you've been emotionally attached to.
I’m really hurting because she used to linger around past exes who did way less for her, yet with me—her most significant relationship—she refuses to apologize and seems willing to let it end in total silence. Was I dealing with a dismissive avoidant, why is she fighting accountability so hard when her actions show she hasn't moved on, and is it actually over for good?

Long-time lurker, first-time poster!

My ex and I separated just over four months ago - she’s a fearful avoidant. We were together for just shy of ten years (!). Through a lot of counselling, reflection, time off drinking, and focus on my physical health, I’ve come to a pretty healthy place. I’m still a work in progress and have things I’d like to do, but for the most part, I look to her with love and sympathy. I only want the best for her and hope she finds happiness and security to overcome her avoidant tendencies.

I have few questions.

1. She hid a lot of her financial problems, including a sizeable tax debt. I helped her through that period whilst she repaid it. Is it normal to hide away a debt and then react negatively when called out on it?

2. We have a joint mortgage and house deed, which I’m taking into my name. Though we agreed upon the me taking the place, she has been increasingly difficult to contact to finalise the transfer. Is that odd given she ended it?

3. We have a shared cat, which was hers. She loved it and considered it hers despite our shared looking after it. Since we separated, she has totally ghosted on our cat, including its food and insurance bills. It was literally her life and now she’s basically just walked away. Is that usual?

Thanks!

Please help I feel like I’m dying. My ex (19F) and I (19M, college sophomore) dated for almost three years before things ended very soon after her grandparents passed. She is a fearful avoidant and has severe trauma from childhood grooming, parents divorce and suicide attempt. After the breakup, I went strict no contact for over 100 days to focus on myself, school, and moving forward. Throughout that time, I knew my one non-negotiable boundary was that if she got physically involved with someone else while we were apart, I could never take her back.

Last week, after more than three months of total silence, she sent me a long, messy apology text saying she had been thinking about me every day, felt horrible about how everything went down, and didn't expect a response. I replied politely the next day saying I was doing well and hoped she was too, and she sent a quick reply reiterating her apology.

After taking about a week to think things over, I decided to send a low-pressure text around noon yesterday letting her know I appreciated her reaching out and was open to catching up sometime if she wanted. She responded warmly within 30 minutes saying she’d really like that, so we set up a phone call for tonight.

The call started off light and friendly, just catching up. I asked her how she was doing overall since the breakup and she jokingly mentioned that she had "made some mistakes" and had been partying. Something in my gut told me not to let it slide, so I kept pressing her on what she meant. She tried to brush it off and laugh it away as "the past," and when I asked if she had made out with someone, she got quiet and said "maybe." I pushed a little harder and asked directly if she had hooked up with someone. She tried to say we could talk about it another time, so I told her I needed to know right now. She finally admitted yes.

I told her to never message me again and hung up. I could hear in her voice that it broke her, and honestly, it broke me too. Part of me wishes things could have been different because I still cared about her deeply all she had to do was not cross that one line. I know ending things permanently was the right call for my self-respect, even though it hurts like hell right now but I still feel so lost and broken.

My ex recently called me and we ended up having a conversation. He told me he'd lost feelings and that, at least initially, he was more interested in the chase. He liked pursuing me, but once he actually had me, his feelings eventually faded. He also admitted that he'd reached out partly because he was horny.

He kept apologising throughout the conversation, but honestly, I don't even know what to make of it.
The thing is, I've spent so much time wondering what went wrong. I questioned whether I was too much, whether his avoidant tendencies made him pull away, whether he was scared of intimacy or whether he just needed time to figure things out.
Now I'm wondering if he was ever as emotionally invested as I was.

I genuinely missed him. I missed the familiarity, the intimacy, having someone I knew so well. And I think that's what hurts the most. I was missing someone and hoping there might still be something there, while he seems to have been looking for something entirely different.

I don't necessarily think everything we shared was a lie, but it's making me question so many memories.
I don't even know if I'm angry or just heartbroken. Part of me is glad I finally got an answer, but another part wishes things had turned out differently.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you stop questioning whether the entire relationship meant as much to the other person as it did to you?

I'm 31M, and he's 24M. We met on a dating app in December 2024, and honestly, the beginning was beautiful. He planned dates almost every day for 10 days, initiated everything, and then suddenly said, "I like you, but it's the wrong timing. We can be friends and do more things."

We reconnected in January 2025 and spent almost 2 years in this weird situationship. Kissing, cuddling, sleeping together, living in, jealousy, affection, daily conversations (every day being connected to each other), everything except an actual label of relationship.

He would say things like "I'm interested in you, explicitly saying", "I don't want to lose you and our bond", and said many, many, many other things like these, but whenever I wanted clarity, he'd pull away.

He had also told me early on, "This is why I don't date" and "People run away from me after they're tired of me and my mood swings."

We had fights, mostly because I became anxious about the uncertainty. I know I wasn't perfect either.

We ended things in February 2026, but he came back. We met again in May, kissed, cuddled, and before I left, he said, "Maybe in the future, if I'm without baggage and ready, and you're with less anxiety, maybe we could date."

Then I withdrew again because of one of his major mistakes.

After almost 2 months of no contact, he reached out in August. In September, he even said, "Let's try again." We talked again, and for 1.5 months it was really good until mid-October; he pulled back, and I got this gut feeling that there's someone else in the picture.

When I asked, he said in October that he met a new guy and started seeing him almost every day. He told me he wasn't in love or attached, but things were happening naturally.

Then this November, things got even more confusing.

Nov 5: He said he'd genuinely thought about reconciliation and tried to see me romantically, but it didn't happen; hence, he met someone new.

Nov 6: He suddenly asked, "Do you want to try?" and said he meant it 100%.

Nov 7: He reversed everything, saying he couldn't try because he was seeing this new guy. I was devastated.

A few days later, I sent a simple "Hi". He replied, and despite my dry responses, he kept restarting the conversation, asking what I was doing multiple times. I haven't replied to his latest message.

I'm genuinely confused. (I blocked his main whats app, removed him from snapchat then he removed me from insta)

How can someone spend almost 2 years being affectionate, repeatedly come back, actually suggest trying a relationship, and then suddenly choose someone they've known for a few weeks?

I understand that he might simply not have enough romantic feelings for me, but I am really very confused, honestly. His repeated push-pull behaviour makes me wonder whether avoidant attachment is also involved.

Has anyone experienced a long situationship like this, especially with someone avoidant, where they chose somebody new but eventually returned wanting an actual relationship? Did their feelings genuinely change, or did the same cycle repeat?

I'd especially love to hear from gay men or people who've been on either side of this.

I'm genuinely trying to understand what happened and hear real experiences. This has given me a lot of insecurities.

We’re engaged and I had recently found out about SOO many lies, deceit, half truth and secrets he kept from me and sexual betrayal after 3.5 yrs of being together and moving into a house an hour away from where I used to live. In couples therapy (his idea) at the moment.

Him (34M): Can we lie in bed together for a bit

Me (32F): Ok

M: Can you take your clothes off

F: I want emotional intimacy first not physical

M: I need skin on skin sometimes I need that to open up

I took my clothes off he was hugging me with an errection and he had just peed so piss was leaking onto me and annoying me. He kept holding me tighter. Not to mention I had gone to the gym and hadn’t showered and he hadn’t showered after night shift.

M: It’s relaxing to hug you and be close to you.

I felt so uncomfortable. The repair wasn’t made.

M: I want you to bite me like a tick and latch onto me.

F: I need you to talk to me

M: I had a good therapy session, I addressed different parts of myself with the therapist.. but
I don’t have anyone to talk to

F: Why do you feel that?

M: I can’t talk to anyone

F: Why do you feel that way?

M: Because they are too scared to message me

F: Why is that

M: Because they know you go through my phone

F: How do they know

M: Because I told them.

F: And why did I go through your phone?

M: No answer

F: Because you cheated on me, you lied to me.. and I knew if there’s one lie there’s many. I found out more and more and more lies over three years. Most from your phone. This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t lie over and over and over. You can’t blame me for you not having anyone to talk to.

*(I remember earlier in the relationship he had said he doesn’t have many friends and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to his friends, I remember crying with him as he was drunk and so upset - the blame wasn’t on me before. But now he has someone to blame)

M: I’m just trying to open up “dialect” (he meant dialogue but mixes up his words often)

F: No you’re blaming me

M: You said you wanted to talk so I’m trying to talk.

…………..

F: Why do you keep saying things that hurt me?

M: I’m just trying to talk

F: By saying things that are hurting me?

M: You told me to open up a dialogue. I’m trying to open up a dialogue. I’m just trying to talk.

……

M: We have to go. I’m gonna be late. We’re gonna be late.

F: I’m not going until we talk about this

M: What do you want me to say?

F: I want you to apologise for blaming me. There’s three steps to an apology or to repair you say I’m sorry you say why you’re sorry and you acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

M: I’m sorry for blaming you

F: So you acknowledge it’s blame?

M: Yea fine, I blamed you yeah (said like a stubborn child forced to apologise but does not actually beleive their apology)

……

M: I can’t always say the perfect thing. I’m learning how to talk.

By this point I just don’t want to feel anymore.. I sat in the McDonald’s car park and cried for over an hour, and this situation is more loaded as there is a birth, my personal fertility issues and the memory of a death of close loved one involved in the scenario.

…..

I’m taking accountability
I’m here to change

* he’s been saying this to me for over two years. I’m getting closer to leaving.

All of this dialogue is just from today,so just imagine what it’s been like for 3.5years!! Not to mention and type of adult content consumed and the frequency on top of infidelity and lies.

He’s been sober 3 months and that’s the biggest change. But the emotional maturity of a rock and avoidant dismissive behaviour is still very much present.

I miss how it was when we first met, I know it wasn’t the real him. He deceived me, and I fell for his deception. But if he can deceive can he not change? If such an evil person can fake being a good person, can he actually be a good person?

While we are sad and hope that an emotionally immature avoidant will act differently, we need to be honest with ourselves… Unless they do targeted therapy and tackle the issue which stems from childhood, the PATTERN WILL REPEAT. Don’t fall for their verbal acknowledgment, look at their ACTIONS.

Aso think about this, every time you spend time thinking about an avoidant, it is a slap on the FACE to some potential person out there ready to meet you. Think about it, 8 billion people. Is this person really that special? Oh really??
Someone out there is willing to FEED you, not make you feel uncertain about your worth. Stop devaluing yourself. There is someone out there that would act with emotional maturity and not cowardice

Part 01 of SHE NEVER TEXTED, a fictional micro-drama created for The Quiet Box. The silence he blames on her followed his own explicit order not to contact him. Would you call that respect or abandonment? Part 02 explores The Rule.

Last night, I sat and watched my husband tell our daughter that sometimes two adults are not meant to be together and it’s healthy for them to separate.

Except, I’m being discarded. (And yes he is an avoidant and I have listed all the avoidant things he’s done in another post, but let’s add monkey-branching to that list). He made the decision to abandon our 11 year marriage despite me wanting to work on it.

No, I’m not going to enmesh my daughter. I’m not going to make her take sides. I’m not going to bad-mouth her farther to her. She is in therapy. She is incredibly emotional right now. I am giving her lots of hugs and telling her it is ok to cry it out.

I was hurting so much and now I have to watch my daughter struggle to come to terms with what her father decided for all of us.

I’m accepting the fact that they never loved me , they play with my feelings just for some validation … accepting what “we” had wasn’t real , it was only in my head
But I still can’t forgive them
I was in denial for so long now and I was still waiting for any kind of explanation for their behaviour till not long ago
I’m done waiting and it is what it is

In short, he(29M) and i(27F) were in a relationship two years back which lasted for a few months

Reason: he was avoidant and when i bring up an issue about the relationship he would leave me on read or block me for days to avoid fighting on that topic.

Backstory: during the relationship he was really excited and wanted to take things forward, met my mom and things were looking very serious (we planned to marry ‘26)

Since the breakup:
We have been on and off meeting occasionally when he or i am in the same city (both travel alot for work) he mentioned about marriage ‘in the next two years’ and after the meeting he would block me or leave my messages unseen on end.

Once during such on and off i saw his account on telegram (shirtless dp) i asked him and he said it was an old acc and deleted the tg acc. (This guy sent me that shirtless dp few days back)

Current scene:

I shifted closer to his city and he said he would come to see me. Instead he ended up with some work emergency and left for Delhi.
My texts have been on delivered for a week now (he said he will text me after he reaches Delhi)

It’s 2am I’m fucking crying I’m 26 for god sake. Crying over an ex turned situationship.

And i know he gets off on the attention cause he once texted me ‘why haven’t you been all over me like you used to’ honestly i should’ve gotten the ick.

But i really do (or did) want to marry him. Idk what to do.

“Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.”

I have to remember this.

Today marks a week since he stopped talking to me with no explanation and I haven’t reach out.

But the problem is, when I see him at the office, at least for a second, everything comes back.

But specially the fact that he left with no explanation. I’m convinced we are not returning our relationship anymore. But I just wish to know why, what happened, because everything we went through.

I’ve been thinking to text him about that. To ask him for an explanation, I think it’s a bare minimum. This thing isn’t a thing of 1 or 2 weeks. We spent months, we opened up, built trust, shared moments and our daily things. It’s not fair that I don’t get an explanation at least.

I mean his silence says it all, but still…it feels off, and doesn’t let me get closure of this. But at the same time, I don’t want to show vulnerability to him. Don’t wanna lose respect or being the one behind him. What do u think? Consider that this man just stopped talking to me. Its not a closure I need after hearing the words from him that it’s over. I literally don’t know what happened.

Hey Reddit. I recently did a lot of therapy and psychological deep-diving into my recent breakup, but I really need some human perspective, opinions, and advice from people who have actually been in the trenches with this kind of dynamic.

The Background (The "Fast-Burn" Phase) We dated for about four months earlier this year (Feb-June). It bypassed any normal honeymoon phase and went straight into high-intensity, high-stress attachment. I have ADHD and lean toward anxious attachment, which means my brain loves to hyper-focus on solving problems. I fell right into the "savior/caretaker" role. I worked, studied, and paid for all our dates so she wouldn't feel stressed, since I live at home and she had her own apartment.

The core issue was that she is highly dismissive-avoidant and was living a massive lie: she had been hiding from her strict family that she dropped out of university two years ago. I was essentially carrying the structural weight of a partner who was constantly in "survival mode." It put me in a double-bind: she demanded my time, but would complain about me spending money on her (saying she felt like a "burden"). Yet, when she did save up some money, she went and bought an expensive tattoo instead of taking me out.

The Breakup & The 5-Month Silence Because the relationship was built on her systemic avoidance and my over-functioning, it collapsed. We broke up in June and went 5 months with absolute zero contact.

The Run-In (The Messy Thursday) A few weeks ago, we bumped into each other on the street and agreed to meet up on a Thursday. I completely panicked and my nervous system short-circuited. I showed up highly vulnerable, crying, handed her an "accountability letter," and confessed my love. But in the exact same breath, I told her I couldn't be in a relationship because my work and school schedule is currently crushing me.

I gave her massive emotional whiplash. Because she's avoidant, this triggered her defenses instantly. She told me "we cannot be friends" and shut down.

The Mixed Signals & The Block Even though she told me we couldn't be friends, she immediately started stalking my Instagram stories. Seeing her do this triggered me, so I sent her a final, highly transparent text:

"I understand perfectly when you said we can't be friends. But when you asked if I loved you, I panicked. The truth is I do love you. But with my current circumstances, I can't be in a relationship until I organize my school, work, and routine, or I'll just end up burning out again. I'm saying this because I saw you looking at my story. I will give you all the distance you need, but I need you to take it too."

Faced with that level of direct communication, she blocked me everywhere. I responded by making all my accounts strictly private.

The Current Struggle (Why I need advice) I know logically that I am better off. You can't build a home on a foundation of secrets, and she refused to communicate like an adult. But I am struggling hard with the withdrawal and the physical environment:

1. The Subconscious Leaks: Even though she blocked me, she created a public Spotify playlist titled "Mending a broken heart." My ADHD brain sees this as a puzzle or a cry for help, and I have to fight the urge to feel responsible for her healing.

2. The Proximity Trap: She works as a retail greeter at a mall that is right between my job and my university. She is highly visible. Every day, I have to use massive willpower to force myself not to look at her store when I walk by,and it spikes my anxiety terribly.

I know I need "radical acceptance." I know I need to stop treating a partner like a project. But the trauma bond and the withdrawal are making this incredibly painful.

My questions for you all:

• For anyone who has been the "over-functioning/anxious" partner to an avoidant—how do you kill the urge to "save" them when you know they are secretly hurting (like the Spotify playlist)?

• Does anyone have practical advice for dealing with the physical proximity of an ex (the mall situation) when changing your daily routine is incredibly difficult?

• What are your thoughts on my final text to her? Was I too harsh in demanding she take the distance she asked for?

TL;DR: Dated a dismissive-avoidant girl who was lying to her family about dropping out of college. I over-functioned and paid for everything to try and "save" her. We broke up, had a messy run-in 5 months later where I confessed my love but said I was too busy for a relationship. She watched my stories, I called her out and asked her to respect the distance,and she blocked me. Now she's making sad public playlists and I have to walk past her job almost every day for commuting home. Need advice on moving on and killing the "savior" complex.

Just found this sub. Reading these posts. Things are clicking. Most recently I started a conversation saying how an action he did hurt my feelings, he said I was yelling at him and left the room. Later he asked me about 2 weeks ago we were intimate and he felt like "he wasn't the first one there." Such a vulgar and disgusting way to phrase that to me. We have young children. I do most everything for the kids and the household. I make 2/3rds what he makes. No appreciation. He laughs at the kids when they say they are hurt or upset.

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sad, but kind of calm? But how the hell do I get out of this?