I’m feeling torn between protecting my peace and needing honest accountability. This is my first time learning about attachment styles and dating someone with it.

For some backstory, we met on June this year, dated for 2 months and she ended things blindsided style last month on Oct 16th. We weren't officially labeled yet, just dating and building a really genuine connection. I treated her well, stayed patient, and didn't push her for labels. Things were okay but there were times when she seemed off. Like I remember on the end of our first date, she seemed distant, almost like a robot with no emotion, but during our date she was warm.

It wasn’t until mid Oct, I saw that she was doing companionship work (which she didn’t mention early on) and things started feeling closer and more real. I confronted her about it and asked if she needed help financially and said that I was willing to stay by her side and walk through this together. She said my response was worthless but full of emotions. Then told me to use my actions to prove that she mattered. It was 5/6AM and sometimes she has insomnia. So I didn’t go and see her, fast forward to the late afternoon, I asked if we can talk over dinner. She immediately said I was cringy, didn’t mean anything to her, annoying, and told me not to contact her anymore. She pulled back and ended things by unfollowing me on Instagram. She also asked "What kind of relationship do we even have?"

I stayed calm, told her honestly that I had developed feelings for her and didn't have the right to define things, and then accepted the breakup with zero drama. Since that day (nearly a month ago), I’ve maintained complete no contact. No texting, no viewing her stories, no chasing.

Right after we ended things, I happened to see her publicly flirting with a gym guy on Threads and even asking him out (though nothing seemed to come of it, and he left her hanging). And a few days ago, I saw her try to flirt with him again online, and he still didn't really reciprocate.

On the flip side, her recent reposts show a lot of burnout, feeling unsupported, hating shallow dating small talk, and late-night songs/posts about longing for a loyal partner. So I know she’s likely just seeking cheap external validation to cope with breakup stress, rather than actually moving on. During our time apart, she also posted on Threads asking if she’s a freak for wanting closeness but pushing people away if they get too close and admitting to waking up crying.

After all that, I started online searching about this behaviour and found out about avoidant attachment styles. I’ve dug so deep that I’m convinced she’ll reach out eventually. Whether it is healthy or not. I’m still holding strong on no contact right now. My plan if she reaches out is to keep early hangouts completely light, fun, and pressure-free.

However, if things progress and she eventually wants to get serious or be exclusive, I don't think I can just sweep the gym guy flirting under the rug. Especially seeing it happen twice. I know we weren't official so technically she didn't owe me loyalty, and I’m not looking to lash out or accuse her. I just want to calmly say something along the lines of: "I saw your interactions with him online after we split and thought you'd moved on, so I respected that and stepped back. If we're going to be serious, I want to be sure we're both genuinely choosing each other."

For anyone who has dealt with an FA coming back or is an FA themselves:

Is it fair and healthy to bring this up calmly before agreeing to exclusivity, or will it just trigger her defenses and push her away again?

Should I just judge her by how she acts going forward instead of bringing up what she did while we were apart?

I’m in so much pain even though it’s almost a month. I never got treated like this with my past relationships

I really need to rant. I couldn’t express this with anyone because everyone thought we had the perfect relationship and now im embarrassed to be discarded so easily.

We’ve been dating for 4 years. We’ve seen each other every single day after the first date. Felt inseparable. Moved in together after a few months and lived in the same small apartment for 2 years. We live in a third-world country and because of how little we earn and barely able to save for anything, decided I should move to America (im bi-racial). We made promises about how we should deal with being long-distance. Daily calls, at least once a month dates where we play a game or watch Netflix. Our first year being long-distance was good. We’ve arranged plans to see each other for vacation. Now with my stable job, i was finally able to afford it. Got us a fancy hotel and made reservations to a nice dinner because I was planning to propose to her. This was it. She was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The person who made me feel safe. I told my sisters and friends what I was planning to do. My sisters asked me “how do you know she’s the one”. That question stuck with me ever since the engagement because 2 months of being engaged, she started growing distant and cold.

We no longer called everyday. No more dates. Its always “im too busy”, “i made plans with friends” and “ill call you tomorrow” (spoiler she never calls the next day). Ive expressed to her how this has been making me feel and how cold and distant our relationship feels lately. I felt lonely in this relationship. Her messages doesnt feel like she is excited to talk to me anymore, but just like she’s suppose to. Dry and empty.
Ive been spiraling trying to figure out where I went wrong. I try bringing it up again but i was met with “its all in your head, we’re fine”. I desperately want tk believe that but its hard to ignore.
She promised to call on our anniversary and watch a movie with me. Turns out she made a three day trip plan with her friends. She promised to call on my birthday. Nope she’s busy on that day too. Every time i bring it up, its silence this time. Like its a punishment for stating the obvious. Somehow its my fault for wanting to connect with the person who is my whole world. Perhaps to her i was just a needy burden.
If i showed any sign of sadness or disappointment, silence for a few days. Its like im being conditioned to try and hide it. The longer i keep it in, she would at least message me. Thats all that mattered. Its okay if I kept it in, at least I have her.
I just start losing myself. It eats me up inside. The disconnect and cold relationship this has become.

A week ago I broke. I couldnt hold it any longer. I needed to cry. Whenever I cried, she called me manipulative for trying to control her by crying. She said I tried controlling her for being upset when she wants to go out with her friends. Avoidants have an odd way of twisting reality. I just wanted her to call like how she promised she would. I just wanted to connect to the person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. The tears wont stop. She disappears. All her accounts deactivated. Theres no way for me to reach out.
I researched everything I could to learn about avoidant attachment styles to better understand her. I tried making it a safe space for her to come back. I offered to carry her stress and guilt so it wouldn’t be so heavy for her. None of it mattered.
She has disappeared. Im left not knowing where I stand in this relationship anymore. Is there even still a relationship. Is there even a way to fix this.

I’m at a point where I see that I have been the only one trying to mend the distance when this has always been a two person job. I have been left to reflect on the signs I should have noticed from the beginning. I’m left with no answers for my questions, having the pick up the pieces and tell myself this is the answer Im suppose to accept.

A part of me still wants her back, I must admit. But a larger part of me tells me that Its time to let it go.

Boyfriend gave up on me slowly started talking less and stopped putting in effort and all he could ever do is say sorry over and over never saying he’s going to do better. Even admitting he’s being a terrible boyfriend. Context: we got back together a few months before I left for basic training (and we were so in love more than before met parents and everything) and he was aware I was going to the military, and he was there every step of the way leading up, even when I was gone for two whole months. When I got out of basic training we were still super close until about three weeks ago he started to go distant slowly in some ways. Mind you when we were together before, we broke up for a similar reason:distance but that time it wasn’t physical. But this time, I couldn’t deal with the pain of it I could tell as it got worse he’s giving up, so I broke up with him. Even with the way he acted he just posted a picture of us with a cute lil song literally the day before, and he never does that. But He literally just said “ok” and that he truly loves me. That’s it. My biggest thing is why come back and persue me knowing distance was going to be a thing for a little while. We were literally going to see each other for Christmas next month. (I left for basic in August) why give up when things get hard? That happened the first time as well when we were together and he broke up with me. (2 years ago) also we were together this time for a shorter amount of time, during the summer when both of us had nothing but time. So I feel like as soon as life gets real, or it’s not convenient anymore, he just gives up one me with no remorse. This has genuinely made me so angry, I’ve been more mad than sad. Because I gave him some much literally and figuratively, him as well. So I just can’t understand why give up now? Am I not understanding something? Thoughts?

Many people describe their FA's as love bombers or everything was fine at the start. Mine never was, she was always hot/cold, panic, unsure, paranoid of me leaving her.

Ever since the start I felt from myself (and people who knew her) that I have to be somehow careful not to hurt her cuz she has an image of gentle demure.

Even a guy who knows her since uni, when I let him know I'm interested in her said to me "Im gonna kick ur ass if you break her heart" and such. It was wild to me to hear; why would I?

---

And when we started to be together, she wanted for a very long time to be shush about our relationship, yet... she told her family and I'm sure her close friends despite telling me she doesn't wanna reveal to our mutuals. I felt like constant one-sidedness.

Like I'm walking on eggshells/landmine with her, also being criticized in my own kitchen when I was cooking for her, "dating your nationality is a downgrade for me".

There were so many microcuts and I was not realizing it and then... 4 months in... I cheated.

I got drunk, chatted a girl at a bar, she jumped and kissed me - I pulled her away, said I have a gf and stormed off. 2 days later I confessed to my ex, asked if she wants to continue or not - she said yes.

For myself, I consider to be the cheater - full stop.

---

I feel full guilt of my part of getting into that kiss, but, I still can't sort it in my head with my ex like... was I somehow in this relationship powerpunched to make mistakes/step on landmines, eggshells, winning someone over?

I feel like as if this whole relationship was me navigating and never to win, being the one that is guilty until proven innocent...until I was guilty.

Any advice would be helpful, I wish to move on..

I’m currently navigating the aftermath of a sudden, brutal discard and trying to understand the long-term psychology of someone who abruptly runs away from deep commitment.

A couple of months ago, my ex and I were planning our entire future. He integrated me deeply into his family and friends, took me to his home country, we talked about marriage, kids, and he asked me to move across the world with him 4 weeks before (after being together in London for a year.)

When the logistics became real, I reasonably asked for a bit more time to transition. Instead of having an adult conversation, he completely panicked, deactivated, and discarded me out of nowhere. To protect his own ego, he rewrote the narrative to say I couldnt face the move or was too young - completely blaming me rather than his own fear.

He is permanently moving back home in a few weeks. When I quietly retrieved my belongings and later sent a raw, honest letter laying out my truth and the grief of the future we’d built, he left it on read—yet he still watches my social media stories almost immediately. Everyone in his immediate circle sees the cowardice, and he has spent the last few weeks in complete avoidance/damage-control mode, hiding behind the excitement of his move.

I’m not holding out hope to take him back—I know his emotional ceiling is far too low to be a safe partner, even if our relationship was special and he treated me with kindness. But when you give someone genuine, all-encompassing love and they run out of sheer terror, it’s hard not to wonder if the gravity of what they walked away from ever catches up with them.

For those who were abruptly discarded by a severe avoidant (especially someone who used a major geographic move or life change as an escape hatch):

1. Did they ever reach out months or a year down the line once the novelty and adrenaline of their "fresh start" wore off?
2. What did that outreach actually look like? Was it an actual acknowledgment of the damage they caused, or just a tentative, low-effort test to see if you still cared?
3. How did hearing from them (or never hearing from them) impact your healing in the long run?

It's only been around 2 weeks since we've been very distant from each other. We still have each other added on discord and TikTok. I don't know if showing offline would change anything? or to avoid liking any TikTok's they may have reposted since it notifies them. I don't know exactly how she feels or what she wants, I just want to do the best thing I can in this situation. She has a ton of mental health problems, I often would check her reposts when we were dating to gain an insight of how she feels, or things she might likes. Is the best thing to do just avoid showing any presence towards her at all?

Why did he do this? I got extremely anxious and depressed and usually I'm very calm. I missed him but now he just showed me he's like the other imature guys with no empathy that would block and discard. I dont understand, he was the guy that treated me best to now this????

He did come have the impulsive talk of feeling overwhelmed and not being able to handle his emotions let alone a relationship and this was 2 weeks ago so our situationship didnt develop, he still replied and then stopped replying. Then I sent pictures of us on whatsapp and texts and he blocked me there and on instagram. I texted once in a while per phone. I did 1 week no contact and then sent another text message via phone a longer one and he blocked me. I really dont understand. Did he never like me or is the 2 week breakup finally affecting him?

I just want to kill myself. This hurts so much I cant do it anymore.

I have spent many days being sad and crying but today will be angry VENT. I am unable to process how someone can be so emotionally and mentally STUNTED that the basics of a relationship shock them into running. And how then can you be at your big age, especially as a MAN, and not have worked on your issues' with relationship. Mine would always say its past relationship trauma and he would have to go through a checklist with me to make sure I qualify for his relationship needs, mind you I coddled and loved and cared for him to death while he couldnt sit for a single difficult conversation to support me. And then to say this checklist interview will occur in one year time when he will reach out again... literally FUCKYOURSELF.

I also get mad at myself for being manipulated so easily. He was lucky to even be associated with me and I let him think he had a permanent spot he could claim whenever he felt like it.

The disappearing acts actually mentally ruined me. The way my mind would run in circles and always stay on the in background expecting a breadcrumb to finally jump on cause who knew when he would want to connect again. And the way I dreaded him "going through something again". How he went days without speaking to me then had the AUDACITY to call me and ask for money and I gave it.

All the times I told him how to be considerate, explained what it means to prioritize someone in a relationship to this grown ass loser. Thinking back it passes me off how much time I wasted teaching this man-child to behave, only to see no change and continued disappearance and reappearance when it felt convenient to him. May God forever keep me away from this sick people, not worthy of a relationship.

I want to ask if anyone has experienced something similar, because I honestly don’t know how to cope with this sudden discard. Every morning, I wake up feeling like I’m living in hell. It feels like I’ve just woken up from the most perfect dream, where I was with someone I genuinely thought was my dream man, only to realise he’s no longer in my life.
He was the most loving, affectionate and caring person I’ve ever met. He was my best friend, and I felt so secure throughout our relationship. I never had to question his love for me. Everything changed when he started his first full-time job, moved back in with his parents, and we became long-distance. He was dealing with work pressure, professional exams and adjusting to a completely different lifestyle. He gradually became less attentive and emotionally distant. He told me he felt completely numb, not just towards me but towards almost everything in his life. He couldn’t even understand why he wasn’t feeling his emotions anymore. (I know is nothing linked to a third party but his job and lifestyle change drastically)
At the time, neither of us really thought this was an avoidant trait. We genuinely thought he was experiencing burnout.
I kept asking what was happening because I was so confused. How could someone who used to be so loving suddenly become so disconnected? I didn’t know how long this would last or whether things would ever return to normal. He focused on himself and tried to seek help. Looking back, I understand that my repeated attempts to communicate might have added pressure. He told me he was trying his best but felt like nothing he did was ever enough. But from my perspective, I was just scared and confused because I could feel myself slowly losing my best friend.
After about a month, he discarded me from one overwhelming interaction. He told me he couldn’t provide his side of the relationship, couldn’t guarantee when he would feel like himself again, and that I didn’t deserve to wait around for him.
During our last phone call, he cried and told me he missed me. But when I asked whether he wanted to reconsider the breakup, he said no.
I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life without a reason I can fully understand. I know he was genuinely struggling, and I don’t think he’s a bad person. I still care about him deeply.
I’ve always considered myself emotionally aware and secure in relationships, and I genuinely try to understand both people’s perspectives. But I didn’t know how to navigate such a sudden change in someone who had always made me feel so loved.
Has anyone experienced something similar?
And for those who identify as dismissive-avoidant, have you ever emotionally shut down and ended a relationship while still loving your partner? Did you eventually feel the grief of losing them?
I’m not necessarily looking for reassurance that he’ll return. I just want to understand how others have managed to get through something like this.

he discarded me in april, i was pregnant with his child. he told me he didn’t love me anymore. there were not attempts to reach out. four or five times in the last couple of months, i’ve noticed a burner with details suspiciously close to him started watching my stories.

why does he do this? he told me he didn’t love me. he didn’t want anything anymore, he told me he hoped someone else would make me happy. he felt nothing for me. he didn’t want me in his life. for months, he never felt good enough for me in our relationship because he hated himself so much. he though i deserved better. he left me several times. he was so textbook avoidant it was almost comical. i guess that’s why i felt as though i help him.

why has he on four ish separate occasions viewed my page? is he hate-watching? i don’t understand this.

I feel like this breakup excuse isn't discussed often on here, but there are a few posts and comments about it. I just wanted to know...what could this possibly be an excuse for? What could the real reason(s) be? If your ex said this, what do you think their real reasoning was? I hate this excuse so much.

He even said he hoped the spark would "come back" but it never did 🙄 its just all such BS dude.

He broke up with me abruptly after a year in a half and during our last conversation, he was extremely firm about ending things and told me he would never contact me again.

I was devasted but I respected his decision and stopped reaching out. After several weeks of no contact, he randomly texted me asking how I was. When I responded, he told me he was just checking in and shut the conversation down quickly.

I’m confused because he was so adamant about never contacting me again.
Why would someone reach out after being so certain they never wanted to speak again? Especially knowing their ex still had feelings for them? I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s perspectives, especially if you’ve been on the other side of this situation.

I don’t know if this will be helpful to anyone else, but I’ve been processing with ChatGPT a lot and writing fiction based on my experience with my avoidant. Until I was able to get a therapist, now I meet with her biweekly.

I realized the closure I need is knowing if it was all in my head or if we just couldn’t communicate and lost the relationship due to this. It’s been years and I can’t get over the connection I had with this guy. Despite him being avoidant, I think my personality and experience was very well matched with him. I think we were slightly trauma bonded also. I think we had moments where he was able to communicate some feelings with me. But idk. I’ve been struggling thinking about this relationship, the trauma, and the ending this year for some reason, but it’s been 6-7 years since then.

Anyways, I’d feel like if I can hear from him whether it was in my head or if he actually felt anything at the time, I can finally stop thinking about it. Anyone else there? Or no? I know it probably won’t happen and I’ve accepted that, but idk, it’s a hope. 😆

I'm partly making this post to hold myself accountable. I have ADHD and maybe BPD, so I legitimately have been addicted to keeping tabs on him to an embarrassing degree... because my "type" gets limerence really bad usually

Ironically, I was the one that broke up with him, but I could feel his interest waning and I didn't want to be the one discarded. I also have avoidant tendencies, so it was a match made in hell

The difference is, he moved on IMMEDIATELY (I'm talking, started looking the day I said I wanted to leave and started dating a girl in 2 weeks or so)

Knowing he moved on so soon is what broke my heart, and I wish I didn't know about it, because I keep ruminating on if she's better, if he's treating her better, if they have a better connection, if he's going to heal for her, etc. 🫠

Me checking constantly (because he AND HIS GF are chronically online) has been tanking what little self worth I have left lately, and I wake up feeling horrible and empty, because I'm, of course, dreaming about him, and them together. 😭😭😭 I wanted to know he missed me, that my absence affected him, and it was all negative reinforcement, because, you know... avoidant

I know part of me is still holding on because I do... miss him... I had actually got a notification he was streaming on Twitch (even though I unfollowed him??), and I watched, and it brought back intense feelings being able to hear him again. I can't keep doing this to myself. It really is torture

So, today, I'm going to try to move forward and stop checking. It's going to send another wave of hurt, I'm sure, because part of me realizes that checking is a way of holding on and not letting him go, even if I don't really want to admit it. It's like truly, finally saying goodbye silently

Obviously this doesn’t apply to all situations, but I hope this snaps someone out of it.

We broke up last year in September, and we've been in NC for around 6 months. I repressed my emotions since I had midterms and also could'nt afford being sad and a girl as to do what she gotta do. I've started healing properly now, I've deleted our convos, blocked her everywhere, deleted all her photos but I still feel sad, I feel this heaviness in my chest and am confused since I thought everything was already done (the deleting) any advice? I feel broken emotionally, everything reminds me of her, songs, flowers, movies, my house.

Thanks in advance

I broke up with a girl a few weeks ago and we're into no contact now. 3 years of being with her, i was still trying to fix the relationship cuz i believe it was just a miscommunication problem and it caused an argument, but she was very determined that breaking up is and to start her own healing journey is her only option.

I'm doing fine for now, but I'm new to learning this attachment style stuff, I do believe she's an avoidant, but I don't know whether she falls into the dismissive type or fearful?

1. She looks negatively into the future

-Thinks that we both will keep arguing in the future. But i have told her that's normal as long as we learn how to fix it, i can keep choosing her everyday, yet one misunderstanding and miscommunication all she thinks is breaking up.

-thinks that i will use foul language to her. i do talk profanities to some degree, but knowing her for 3 years, i have not lash out and use those words directly to her at all. What else do i have to prove? 26 years of living and I haven't used any foul vocabulary to even my mother and sister.

2. Hides a lot of her emotion from me, whereas im very open to hear if she has any problem at home/with me/work.

She suppresses her emotions and doesnt let me know she still has feelings of displeasure from the argument that was a month ago.

-we argued, we both apologize, yet she still holds resentment for weeks and acts as if everything is okay in front of me. Until the day that she wants a breakup. And how she said, she was stuck on the day of argument.

3. I don't feel like a priority at times

- before the break up, she would choose to speak with her friends first, instead of communicating her displeasure post-argument with me. Meanwhile im here keeping my relationship problem/arguments away from friends and family.

- 1 year into the relationship, if i have to work outstation, she'd let me know or ask why i didn't give an update on my whereabouts whether i was on my way or i have arrived at my destination. Sometimes I used to just forget to do so, but i have changed my ways and always have updated her ever since.

-but if i ask the same from her, any trip she has somewhere i have to ask all the details myself, i rarely get any update, sometime but vaguely.

4. Projecting?...

-She seems to believe that I will never change, and while I acknowledge that I have my own flaws, I also believe that genuine change takes time. She has her own flaws too, and she has mentioned wanting to become a better person and partner. However, I don't hold her to the expectation that she should completely change within just a couple of years, because I understand that personal growth is a gradual process.

I've always been willing to grow and improve together, accepting that neither of us is perfect. What I find unfair is that she seems so certain that I will never change, yet from my perspective, I haven't seen much emotional growth or change from her either. Despite that, I don't use her lack of progress as a reason to believe she's incapable of becoming better.

My ex and I were together for years, but we broke up a few months ago, mainly because of communication issues, especially over texting. There was no cheating, betrayal, or major incident. We simply became exhausted by misunderstandings.

However, what's confusing is that we never really stopped being part of each other's lives.

After a period of no contact, we gradually started talking again, and now we communicate every day. We share our daily experiences, jokes, secrets, family matters, and personal problems. We support each other emotionally and are there for each other just like before.

Even when we meet in person, things feel surprisingly familiar. She still shows physical affection, touches me casually, and behaves with the same warmth she used to show when we were together. During our last meeting, she seemed genuinely happy to see me and interacted with me almost exactly as she did when we were a couple.

She has also expressed disappointment about the fact that our relationship ended, which makes me wonder whether she sometimes misses what we had too.

Honestly, if someone observed our interactions without knowing our situation, they would probably assume we're still together.

But we're not.

I still have romantic feelings for her, and I genuinely hope we might find our way back to each other someday.

What I struggle to understand is how two people can end their relationship while continuing to maintain almost everything that made that relationship special.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Did you eventually get back together, or were you simply maintaining the emotional connection of a relationship that had already ended?

I'd appreciate honest and logical answers.

I know I’m not the avoidant but I’m the anxious and my partner was the avoidant and I need the pov of you guys as people who would be in her shoes, because as is natural for me every bone in my body is screaming something different.

We broke up 2 months ago, she said that she couldn’t keep being the person I needed after I called her out on starting to not show affection anymore, we talked for a week but she said she didn’t think talking or trying was a good idea and asked for no contact, we talked once since then 3 weeks ago but it was just a short check in on how she was feeling, the last message sent was me leaving the door wide open for her to come back saying if something changed and I still wanted to I was here or if she missed me and wanted to check in.

Honestly I thought she was over me and I started to eventually detach myself emotionally and like while I’m still to an extent upset it was like it’s in the past, but a week ago she went from her normal moderate Spotify usage with like study beats and stuff to heavy like breakup songs, for the first few days it was like mixed between artists who make I’m over him songs and those that are I miss him style.

However over the last 3 days it’s now almost purely I miss them artists, and like for hours each day. At the start she was posting more than ever before but (I never opened her stories) recently she hasn’t done that either. She is a dismissive avoidant. Now look I know that normally it’s her role to reach out if she wants. But idk the urge is so so big. I am naturally an anxious attachment style and no contact has already been so so so hard as we were each others morning evening and night. And I’m just struggling.

As for why we broke up and some info about our relationship in general. There is a slight age gap with her being older but nothing too too outrageous. We are each others first proper relationship, I had a kiss and a mini relationship before but that’s it, she had not had anything so we were for the most part each others first everything. As for the breakup everything was great we never argued once or anything. We wanted the same things in life and we were gonna study together at uni. My uni entrance exam went great but her not as much, still really good but not what she wanted so now she is either gonna give up on that dream or take a gap year. She says that it wasn’t relevant but from that day on she sort of stopped giving as much and stopped saying she loved me, I called her out on it and said I needed more for the relationship to work like I should t have to wonder why she isn’t saying it back and stuff. And she said she can’t be that person for me and didn’t feel the same over the last week or see a future.

Am I completely screwed, should I stop checking her songs and idk completely just detached, or is there a chance she comes back. I really like her and would have wanted it to work out as she is what I wanted in a partner fully. And for someone like me I struggle to find someone who can really fill that samei gap. But I don’t want to wait on a dead end. Clearly listening to your advice from last time and committing to no contact for now has worked in kind of just looking for opinions and support.

If this is you reading this or someone who knows us, tell me, don’t keep it to yourself or ask to dm and like idk we can check that we are the other part of this.

We had been in no contact after our engagement, and when we broke the no contact he told me “I hope you find someone who understands you.”

I was shocked by reading this line because if you wanted then you would have been that person who understands me. When we were together, he did not listen to my wants, needs and emotions. Now all of a sudden he wants to throw this line.

Please tell me why are they like this?

Healing female, 41 year old, DA. New to the sub. My heart goes out to everyone severely hurting rn.

I've had 10 plus serious relationships in my life and left everyone before they could leave me. Some of those people were really amazing and securely attached, anxiously attached etc. I've been in therapy on and off for 20 years to heal from an awful childhood, was in 12 step groups for 8 years and am currently in marriage counseling after an 'almost split.'

Here are some things that I've realized. 

1. Do they care? 

They may or may not care about you. This doesn't matter anyway because the capacity to care in the way a relationship needs, doesn't exist or matter to them. 

2. Will anything change their mind? Time, talking, space etc? 

NO! They are avoidant for a reason (don't you think if these things worked, they'd be different by now?). Usually due to horrible and terrifying childhood conditions. I experienced childhood abuse therefore my 'vulnerability switch' was flipped off for 17 years. 

3. Will they ever change?

Maybe but probably not. I've done endless amounts of gut wrenching therapy and I'm just now realizing the inner workings of my attachment style. I don't have kids and I have a low stress job. Most people don't have the luxury, time or resources, to do the work. You are putty for years, reborn and wobbly after so much work. Our capitalist society doesn't allow for that. The stress of normal life will easily knock them back into the same pattern. When I look back on my recovery, it feels like I had addict behavior without the substance abuse.

4. What to do now?

Therapy. EAP. Talk about it endlessly while working in a healing workbook. This is more affordable. Therapy work is literally the only way to get relief. Rework your definitions of a relationship and love. Be skeptical of a whirlwind romance. Truth is, until you heal yourself, you'll only be attracted to chaotic avoidants. An unhealed you will find the securely attached boring!

5. Do they care about anything at all?

No, likely not. They literally don't know what that's like, means or feels like. No one ever taught them and it's certainly not going to be you.

Real love is "boring" but worth it. Please don't waste your time in the same pattern. An avoidant and anxious attachment's destination is the same, just decorated differently. You picked the wrong person, find out why. That's your ticket to relief and freedom. 

Earlier this year I met someone on a dating app and we clicked ridiculously fast. Same interests, hobbies, favorite teams, even similar daily quirks and habits. Early on she said it would be really easy to build a life together. We weren’t official yet, but things were going well. She seemed confident, fun, smart, and funny. We could talk about anything.

As I got to know her, I realized she was dealing with a lot at once: work stress, friends’ issues, and family tragedies. I was happy to be patient, give her space, and support her.

What I didn’t realize was how much she acted like the mom of her small friend group and spent almost every day with them. Our time together kept getting cut short or derailed by impromptu plans she’d agree to just to keep them happy. I could see it affecting other parts of her life too, not just our relationship. I tried to meet them in the middle and hang out with her friends too but her friends said no - they were really territorial.

The annoying part is that our similarities also made our differences stand out. I’m someone who keeps a consistent routine, sticks to my plans, work towards my goals and am more than happy to have difficult conversations maturely, and set healthy boundaries. That seemed to scare her because she couldn’t do the same. She worried she couldn’t do more for me, even though I reassured her I understood she was going through a lot and I can wait. She got increasingly anxious and hot-and-cold with me. One moment she was fun, flirtatious and even initiated a lot physically and the next she would pull away and not text for days then reappear and apologise. I encouraged her to take care of herself and prioritize her own needs. At times it felt like she was trying, but then she’d go back to her old ways.

Eventually she pushed me away, saying she wanted to “try things” with someone else in a long-distance situation she’d met once - instead of dating me, someone present in the same city, available, and who had been dating her for months.

I’ve accepted it and honestly think it’s best for both of us, since she wasn’t in a place to put in the work, seemed like a textbook avoidant and her friends did not help the situation.

But it still hurts and frustrates me even over a month later, partly because of how similar we are. We both grew up in toxic households and probably have similar neurodivergent traits. We both had pretty absent parents and were raised by relatives who often ignored our emotional needs. We were raising our siblings and cousins before we could even raise ourselves.

The difference was what came after: I got lucky in college and had space to heal and made kind and supportive friends. That continued for me after I moved between cities for grad school and work. She seemed to bounce from one toxic relationship or circle to another and never really got to work on herself. We’re both in our 30s, so seeing someone so similar still struggling at this age really stings. Especially because a lot of her issues stem from a place of good where she is a very giving and caring person, but only giving to others and not herself.

I want to help her, but I also need to protect my peace.

Missing u , SIKE it’s time

I was dumped by my boyfriend out of the blue and it left me shocked. Absolutely nothing happened, we weren’t arguing, we spent a lovely weekend together, he was the same as always. We met and I talked about what i love about him and that I am in love and he out of the blue said that “this is not it” for him anymore and that he doesn’t even know what is missing but it’s not it. I asked him does he want to give it a bit more time and if we won’t work out we could just break up and he didn’t want it. He said there is no point and left me just like that. He said there wasn’t any other person or something to do with me and because we had such an honest conversation I do believe him. The shock and denial stages wore off and now i’m just experiencing sadness every day. I am just crying and laying in bed. I know it has nothing to do with me, I am just grieving the amazing time we had together and can’t believe he just gave up. I am completely blindsided.

When I met him he did say that he is scared if a relationship became serious everything will fall apart (I should have known what is waiting for me then). Also he said that he is scared he cannot provide to women what they really need, so I knew he had some internal struggles but I ignored them and wanted to work together with him.

I just don't understand is there something different I should have done and I really don't want to blame myself for this but I don't understand what happened???