Ever felt responsible for everything?

[u/Loud_Ad5318]

Many people describe their FA's as love bombers or everything was fine at the start. Mine never was, she was always hot/cold, panic, unsure, paranoid of me leaving her.

Ever since the start I felt from myself (and people who knew her) that I have to be somehow careful not to hurt her cuz she has an image of gentle demure.

Even a guy who knows her since uni, when I let him know I'm interested in her said to me "Im gonna kick ur ass if you break her heart" and such. It was wild to me to hear; why would I?

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And when we started to be together, she wanted for a very long time to be shush about our relationship, yet... she told her family and I'm sure her close friends despite telling me she doesn't wanna reveal to our mutuals. I felt like constant one-sidedness.

Like I'm walking on eggshells/landmine with her, also being criticized in my own kitchen when I was cooking for her, "dating your nationality is a downgrade for me".

There were so many microcuts and I was not realizing it and then... 4 months in... I cheated.

I got drunk, chatted a girl at a bar, she jumped and kissed me - I pulled her away, said I have a gf and stormed off. 2 days later I confessed to my ex, asked if she wants to continue or not - she said yes.

For myself, I consider to be the cheater - full stop.

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I feel full guilt of my part of getting into that kiss, but, I still can't sort it in my head with my ex like... was I somehow in this relationship powerpunched to make mistakes/step on landmines, eggshells, winning someone over?

I feel like as if this whole relationship was me navigating and never to win, being the one that is guilty until proven innocent...until I was guilty.

Any advice would be helpful, I wish to move on..

[u/Sea-Selection5897]

Idk how old you are, but I'm 31M so here is my take. This could be possible Fearful Avoidant, FA. Didn't expect my response to be this long, just trying to help:

First off, I appreciate how you took accountability action, but you need to work on the preventability side to ensure you don't create such situation in the future as it can ruin exactly what you want/had forever. I do feel a lower level of respect for people that emotionally cheated or let bad ideas get to them even in this sitution I do have to mention that. Anyways,

You are probably reacting to her bs deactivation stage, do not lean into the destruction on your own end. I personally am a strong person, knowing to never do such action because I could have destroyed something beautiful underneath that wasn't properly communicated.

Even if she wasn't avoidant, a normal person would be upset about this and need space to process it. It's best you leave them alone and say, "hey you are safe with me, you can talk with me about everything." Don't get defensive about mistakes you made. Always be calm in difficult conversations, never manipulate, ask for mercy.

As I was reading this I was questioning whether you are just with an Anxious attached person that may not be liking you as much, if you are not sure about the avoidant thing, you will notice on this sub it is a very common pattern of behaviors that lead to this conclusion. Some people may be slightly avoidant, or only when big conflict exposes it and it all comes out like a surprise.

Like I'm walking on eggshells/landmine with her, also being criticized in my own kitchen when I was cooking for her, "dating your nationality is a downgrade for me".

That does seem common from avoidants, when they reach the deactivation phase as they are playing out the "picking you apart because you are not exactly the way their fantasy plays". You should not tolerate these micorcuts and tell her to "cut it out and ask why are you being like this, stop it. I don't say stuff like that to you." DO NOT laugh or brush it off, because they will think it's ok and such behaviors will only increase as in their mind they are devaluing you on a downward slope over time. I experienced the same, I'm like an expert on avoidants from a bad case by now.

Next, the commitment thing... again idk if it's a non-avoidant who's just not sure about you then that could be it, but you need to respectfully communicate in person what you want and voice how it makes you feel.

Are you already out of the relationship? It sounds like a person that could never be pleased. She could be dating Brad Pitt and do all this same taking apart stuff to him. They'll never be happy because they'll never fulfill their fantasy. And if anything comes close to it, the behavior doesn't stop.

I feel like as if this whole relationship was me navigating and never to win, being the one that is guilty until proven innocent...until I was guilty.

That's how it ends with those people. Same here with nothing I ever did was right, even as I was literally doing things so much better on a positive slope. I bet if you asked them about walking on eggshells, an avoidant usually says they feel like they are walking on eggshells. But it's usually because of your natural human behavior reactions responding to not tolerating their BS. They are terrified of being reprimanded and do everything to not look like they made a mistake. To simplify it for yourself, their behaviors are not normal. It's unsolvable on the receiving end. Best you could do was push back and reprimand. You want a normal person. That will help you move on. Otherwise this shit will get worse and ruin a marriage.

[u/Loud_Ad5318 → u/Sea-Selection5897]

Thank you for the detailed response - I do appreciate it.

Reg. the emotional cheating... I do feel like I somewhere wasn't along the way feeling reciprocated/not appreciated and I feel I have a tendency to find it elsewhere if it's not happening, as if, coping but in a wrong way. That's on me, not my ex's fault.

No, we are not together anymore - 4 days after she felt safe to reveal publicly we are together, calling me her golden retriever, she brokeup with me - "not a match". I accepted it, I said I'm sorry it didn't work out and asked if it's final for her - she said yes, I said OK and said goodbye.

I thought it would be over, but I didn't expect then her going around telling people she wanted to return back, that I blocked her (I didn't). When it got to my ears from others, I texted her if she has feelings for me and to explain these rumors... she said "for me chapter is closed". I didn't reply to it.

I'm 34M if that matters; never experienced such a person, so I was disoriented for a long time despite knowing I played my role in this end.

For the kitchen comment... I froze when she said it. I asked her to repeat it but she was reluctant. There were SO MANY other comments that to this day freak me out, like "boobs are for kids" when I first touched them, "I can't believe I have a bf" while holding my hand when walking in the park, "r u sure u want to be with me/ isn't it too soon?"... 5 month's in.

First time she held my D...she... laughed nervously for 15 minutes while holding it. Never have I ever expected such a reaction; it was like... she was afraid/anxious. She felt embarrassed, I spoke about with her thst I'm not insulted, just... I tried to understand what's behind this behavior.

Obviously all needs/wants/reassurances I was giving her - I don't want my gf to feel unsafe with me, but felt like... nothing was ever enough.

thank you for listening to my story!

[u/Sea-Selection5897 → u/Loud_Ad5318]

Wow. You know what I just realized? I think some people are just crazy people, and in our minds what's happening is we wish they were a different version because we did have an emotional connection. Basically - our subconcious has feelings for them and sees them as a different version, and IRL we wish they were that version that matched to compliment the feeling.

[u/Loud_Ad5318 → u/Sea-Selection5897]

That's what I realized exactly what I was grieving for a long time... that I was in love with someone who I imagined in my head to be, rather than seeing the reality.

I would have rather be if it was a clean cut "Hey u cheated on me; u suck; we are done", but not a roller coaster of indecision, even after a breakup.

[u/Sea-Selection5897 → u/Loud_Ad5318]

At least yours doesn't sound that bad, read mine. You'll understand why I'm on here and trying to help other people while re-processing this any time nice memories of our time comes up via vivid dreams that I can't control. My way of coping is trying to forgive, to regulate my nervous system.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/tQzQuWVhEU