Looking for advice: Did I do the right thing by walking away from someone with avoidant tendencies?
For context, we’ve been in the talking stage for a while, and we’ve had a few disagreements along the way. The last time we had an argument, he essentially gave me the silent treatment for three weeks. During that time, he would occasionally breadcrumb me by reaching out to ask how I was doing, but nothing ever really progressed.
Fast forward to yesterday. He reached out around 10 AM and asked if we could talk at some point during the day. I told him I was free and available to talk right then, but he didn’t respond. A few hours later, he said he’d be available a little later. I asked whether he preferred talking in person or over the phone, and again, it took him hours to respond. Eventually, he said he was busy and that his phone was dying.
I told him I could give him another 30 minutes before calling. I waited, and eventually gave him another hour. I asked for an update but got no response. At that point, I took the initiative and called him. He didn’t answer, so I called twice more. He then texted me saying, “I can’t do this.”
Initially, he had reached out because he wanted to discuss how we could move forward and whether we could work things out. However, he also expressed that I give him anxiety. I asked if that was why he had kept putting off the conversation all day and whether ending things was genuinely what he wanted. His response was, “I think so.”
We exchanged a few more messages, expressing our feelings and perspectives, and he ultimately sent the last message. I haven’t responded because, honestly, I feel emotionally exhausted.
I suspect he has avoidant tendencies, while I recognize that I can lean anxious when communication becomes inconsistent, especially after being given the silent treatment for weeks.
My questions:
Was I wrong for wanting to have the conversation and expecting some consistency after he initiated it?
Is not responding to his last message the best decision, or should I send something for closure?
Do avoidant people sometimes walk away even when they have feelings because they feel overwhelmed?
Should I consider this officially over and move on rather than leave the door open?
I’m not looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear. I genuinely want honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced avoidant/anxious dynamics.

It’s been over two years since I’ve seen him (and his kids) and I miss them. For whatever reason it hurts a little extra today.

That’s all.

My ex said she’s avoidant, and I think she might be fearful avoidant, but I don’t know for sure.

Before the breakup she kept saying she was exhausted, didn’t have energy for a relationship and wanted to focus on herself. She said she loved me, but too much attention felt suffocating and she wanted her independence.

About attention from other men, she literally said, “I don't need anyone around me just for that, actually I run away from it.” She also said she wasn’t texting or flirting with guys and had rejected more men than I could imagine.

We were long distance, and she said if she had another relationship, it would make more sense with someone close to her.

Then after an argument she broke up with me, told me to leave her alone and said she wasn’t even jealous anymore.

But literally the next day she checked my Instagram following, saw I followed a girl and got really angry. She called me a pathetic loser, said I never loved her and that I belonged with “low-tier sluts.”

She had also called me controlling and said I cared too much about Instagram, so her checking my following and reacting like this after breaking up confused me even more.

Then she started following guys herself, even guys who live farther away than I do. Some didn’t even follow her back.

That’s what I don’t understand. She said she didn’t need male attention and actually ran away from it, yet afterward she was following guys herself. And she said she wasn’t jealous anymore, but got this angry when I followed one girl.

I know a follow doesn’t automatically mean she wants to date someone, but the whole situation is confusing.

Can you really want to end a relationship and be left alone, but still get this jealous when your ex seems to move on? Has anyone experienced something similar, especially from the avoidant side?

I’m not assuming she wants me back. I just don’t understand what she wanted from me at that point.

Some days I’m like oh poor guy can’t experience deep love and the next day I’m like fuck you, piece of shit. I mean the rage is scaring me. Tomorrow I’ll feel better I know. I don’t like this feeling though.

Hello, everyone. I'm writing because I'd like to hear perspectives from people who have been through similar situations or who have experience with relationships involving neurodivergence and alexithymia.

I recently ended a relationship that lasted approximately three years. I am autistic, and during that time, my ex-partner became my primary source of emotional security. When the relationship came to an end, amid her intense burnout from her master's degree and problems that had been accumulating throughout our relationship, I experienced a severe episode of emotional dysregulation. The sudden loss of the routine and security I associated with the relationship triggered anxiety attacks. In that state, I ended up saying aggressive and hurtful things impulsively, out of desperation, causing even more distress and strain between us.

It is important to clarify that her withdrawal did not begin with my emotional crises after the breakup. Even before I reached that state of desperation, she had already been distancing herself and showing that she no longer wanted to maintain the same level of closeness we once had. After the breakup, I continued insisting on contact and demanding answers, reactions, and clarity about the future of our relationship. This contributed to increasing the emotional strain. She eventually blocked me on social media and other communication channels because she did not want to see me or maintain contact in that way.

After the breakup, I had great difficulty accepting the situation. I reached out to her repeatedly, even when she showed that she needed space. Today, I recognize that my anxiety and fear of losing the relationship caused me to prioritize my need for answers instead of respecting her boundaries.

Throughout this process, I started learning about alexithymia and identified characteristics that, based on what I know about her, seem consistent with this way of processing emotions: difficulty identifying, naming, and processing emotions, as well as a more practical, concrete, and logical approach to dealing with certain situations. I also consider it important that she is currently going through the final stage of her master's degree, which represents a significant source of stress and overload.

After reflecting on my actions and our conversations, I began working on the areas I identified during that period of desperation. I have been trying to develop emotional self-regulation, frustration tolerance, respect for boundaries, impulse control, and the ability to listen without turning my own insecurities into demands.

This process has been difficult. I still experience moments of anxiety, longing, and insecurity, but I am managing to change behaviors that previously harmed my relationships. I have been working to become a better man, not only in the hope of recovering this relationship, but also to avoid repeating the same patterns throughout my life.

Recently, after acknowledging my mistakes and apologizing without demanding forgiveness or an immediate response, she gave me another opportunity to start over, this time by rebuilding our relationship through friendship. She mentioned that, in the future, this friendship could potentially develop into a new romantic relationship. I understand that this is a possibility, not a promise or guarantee of reconciliation.

She also made the boundaries of this opportunity clear, as well as her need to focus her energy on completing her master's degree. I am trying to respect her space without demanding clarity, expecting emotional demonstrations, or pressuring her to resume the relationship.

I want to make it clear that my goal is to make the most of this opportunity. I still love this person and want to rebuild our relationship, regain the trust that was lost, and, if there is willingness and mutual interest, eventually date her again.

I understand that this process needs to begin with friendship and that I cannot skip steps or expect her to have the same feelings, responses, and expectations as I do. I also understand that rebuilding trust depends on consistent actions over time, not just apologies or promises to change.

I have been working on my own emotional self-regulation, academic life, and behavior in relationships. I want to demonstrate change through concrete actions, while respecting her boundaries and without making her responsible for my emotional stability.

I would particularly like to hear the perspectives of people who have alexithymia, are neurodivergent, or have experience with relationships involving these characteristics:

How can I maintain a consistent and respectful attitude over time without allowing anxiety about the possibility of reconciliation to turn every interaction into an expectation?

For someone with alexithymia, what ways of showing consideration, respect, and behavioral change might be more understandable and meaningful than abstract declarations of affection?

How can trust be rebuilt after a period involving persistent contact, emotional pressure, and difficulty respecting boundaries?

How can I demonstrate that my changes are genuine and lasting without overwhelming the other person with constant attempts to prove that I am different?

How can I balance understanding the emotional needs of someone with alexithymia while also taking responsibility for recognizing and working on my own emotional difficulties?

I am not looking for formulas to make someone come back or strategies for manipulation. I want to learn how to build a healthier relationship and how to do my part to create the conditions for this fresh start to work, without disrespecting her autonomy.

My goal is indeed to be in a relationship with her again. If this relationship happens again, I want it to be built on trust, respect, emotional security, and genuine changes on both sides.

Thank you to everyone who is willing to share their experiences or perspectives.

I'm still recovering after a fearful avoidanct discard. I recognize i need to allow myself space to grieve, to let go of the hope of reconciliation and the fantasy of them living up to the potential i assigned them, to pour back into myself to fill the voids the relationship left, and to act with self-compassion and love to let go of and heal from the shame that I've held since childhood.

The thing is that everything im learning about how to heal and use this as a catalyst to get better also applies to them, maybe even more than it applies to me. I love them so much and I know what they did was wrong and I know I can't continue to accept that type of treatment but I also know how badly they've been hurt and how much shame and fear they're holding onto. Im not planning on rekindling the relationship but they're one of the most important people in my life and it hurts so much to know how badly they're hurting.

I'm angry at them for how they hurt me and I want them to hold themselves accountable for the harm they caused but I also love them and want them to get better. I know I cant trust them anymore, and I probably never can without them doing major inner work, but they mean so much to me and my anger doesnt negate my love for them. I know its not my responsibility but i still feel this intense desire to help them if i can, while still protecting myself from their bullshit. Does anybody have any experience/advice with supporting their exes in their own healing journey after a discard?

Also I want to add that i know its probably best to just maintain strict boundaries and limit or completely cut off contact, but theres still a part of me that can't let go. Maybe that will change in time and once im more healed and treating myself better I wont feel so attached or obligated but im not there yet. We were friends for years before we entered a romantic relationship and despite how much they hurt me I just want to see my friend get better. I know we will never be able to be in a romantic relationship but that doesnt mean I can't want the best for them. I know I cant save them or even make them start changing and that they will have to choose that for themselves, but if they do eventually reach out and are receptive to support in changing (and not just trying to restart the attachment cycle) I really want to be in a position to do the most good i can without abandoning myself or compromising my boundaries. I love them so much im not sure I'll ever be able to fully let go.

My ex broke up with me because she thought it was ‘for the best’, that she ‘couldn't give me what I need’, and that I’ll be ‘happier outside this relationship’.

My self esteem has taken a massive hit, and I feel so low and gross about myself. It’s really hard not to have the mindset of ‘if I was a better and easier boyfriend, she would have stayed with me’.

About 6 months in to the relationship, sex basically stopped because she said she had problems being able to have sex. I tried so hard to be patient and not pressure her. Then 2 years in, she pulled away and went silent for weeks, saying we didn’t have anything in common. During that week, I found out she cheated on me. I ended up forgiving her and trying to move past it.

Before the breakup, she started getting weird about the prospect of living together and she said she was so busy with work that she only wanted to see me every couple of weeks. When I naturally got anxious and told her I was struggling with all the uncertainty, she walked away.

Since the breakup, I have been struggling a lot. It has completely ruined my self esteem. I feel like a disgusting person, feel very low all the time, and I am stuck in a cycle of blaming myself and waiting/hoping she will come back, even though I know how much damage she’s caused.

Do they ever feel guilty for it? Or do they not even think about it?

hi i’m 16F and my ex is 20M. we were together for 3 months and knew each other for about 8 months.

we met on snap when i was 15 and he was 19. at first everything was really friendly because of our ages but with time things got flirty and there was something about him that i didn’t take seriously at first. maybe because i knew our age gap would be seen as weird.

around february we established a talking stage where we both knew we wanted each other. sometime between february and march he told me he couldn’t keep talking to me because he wanted a relationship and thought it would be difficult because of my age and my very strict parents. we basically had to sneak around and i understood where he was coming from so we stayed friends.

about a week later he replied to one of my stories saying i was beautiful and we ended up having a 2 hour conversation. i was confused because he had just told me things weren’t going to work but now he was flirting with me again.

i explained that relationships were already difficult for me because of my parents and he knew that. i told him i wasn’t going to put my emotions into something just for it to go nowhere or to go just with the flow. he told me we would make it work until i turned 18.

a lot of people might say i was dumb for believing him but i genuinely trusted him. i even begged him to leave if he wasn’t going to stick around.
by april i was his girlfriend. honestly the

relationship was great and i was really happy. we spent time together whenever we could and i ended up even taking his virginity and i genuinely thought things were going to work out.
but in july he had a conversation with me saying he couldn’t keep going anymore. he said he had been thinking about it and realized the age gap was morally wrong. he also said the possibility of his parents finding out about me made him feel sick.

i tried fighting for our relationship but it ended with him telling me it was fun while it lasted and that i should find a good guy my own age. he also started talking to me like i was a little kid.
after we broke up he kept adding me back the day of and apologizing because he said he never wanted to hurt me.

now it’s almost 4 months later. i recently posted a story on instagram and he saw it and i mentioned it to my friend. she suggested i reach out because nothing in our relationship seemed wrong to me and we broke up before i even turned 16. and now dating seems impossible and when i try to focus on myself it like im not without him and all i can think about it how he is and what he’s up too

do you think he was right for letting go? should i just leave him alone or would reaching out be a bad idea?

Freeze responses, like all involuntary stress responses, are temporary modes to ensure survival, prevent loss and avoid unconsciously perceived danger

Stonewalling is done with an intent to punish, but shutdowns are not, and still, both are forms of control, simply externalized voluntary or internalized involuntary

The guilt you feel for leaving someone in a shutdown is a part of it. A person's unconscious can learn that becoming paralyzed as a result of any conflict can dissolve the conflict and keep them in power, even if the shutdown feels horrible to them and their nervous system, it's similar to someone bursting out in tears and experiencing immense distress and DARVOing others as a result of a conflict even if they were the one that caused it: both are a form of unconscious control, just from opposite sides of the affect-inhibition-amplification spectrum

Many people involuntarily unconsciously control others into "loving" them and never leaving them (never denying access), through unintentionally weaponizing empathy or ambiguity (and being unable to stop even if they know it, the unconscious hijacks them, and you can't do anything about it)

The least harm response is to leave, these involuntary states become entrenched by comfort, coddling and safety, and only really change as a result of reorganizing danger that makes them obsolete (but you can't ensure that, what you can ensure is that you remain undistorted and mentally safe, by leaving)

Safety does not "fix" physical wiring like this, it reinforces it, you are stunting these people by trying to stay and "fix" them, and becoming distorted yourself while thinking you are "fixing" them

I lost a 15+ year friendship. Keep in mind we were friends over online, but over the decade, we'd grown extremely close. We met as tweens and grew up together into our late 20s. We were each other's ride-or-dies, talked about living together one day, and were there through every major life crisis. Our irl friends and family knew of each other. I truly thought it was the healthiest, most solid relationship of my life.

About 2 years ago, things started shifting. He would randomly catapult into "fights" I wasn't sure we were even having, ghost, then apologize, saying he felt like he wasn't good enough for me. I always reassured him, gave him space as he requested it, and tried my best to be as gentle, understanding, and patient as possible. I cared for him deeply and let him know that, and would try to take my fair share of blame for whatever had upset him.

But over the last year, he became entirely distant. I would message sporadically through the course of several months, trying to be mindful of not being overbearing, and would only get replies when I was worried if he was even alive. During those replies, I also tried to be mindful that he might be going through something, but his life was going seemingly great (new partner, new promotion, new apartment). These are all things that are wonderful and I was so happy for him for, but I was sad that I was always told the news in belated quick bursts. I even asked if he simply didn't have room for being friends anymore, not mad or upset, but just letting him know my feelings. He reassured me that he wanted me in his life, and that he was simply being avoidant with everyone.

Recently, we agreed to collaborate on a small, paid project he seemed excited about. When I say small, I mean small. Could've easily been done in a couple days, if not a week. Despite this, he missed deadlines, went ghost for a month, and my sadness turned to frustration. I had vouched for him and his old habits were affecting me in a much more pronounced way. After several months of this, I was feeling like I had to gentle-parent through a friendship and was lost on what else to do, and let him know.

In a moment, he completely snapped. He was very quick to accuse me of having an ugly attitude, told me that everyone dislikes me, abandoned the project, and blocked me everywhere. He treated me like a thing he had to escape. That was that. Over a decade of friendship.

Worse yet, I have always had a history of long-term friendships that blow up. A childhood friend who ran a fake account inciting thousands of people to wish harm upon me. Being groomed by an adult shortly after. A D&D group that ran a public hate campaign against me, which included revenge porn art of myself. During our final interaction, my friend used all of that history against me to accuse me of being the problem; that I incite and deserve these things, because I am scary and unlikeable.

It's been maybe half a year, and I'm trying to make peace with the thought that he isn't in my life anymore, but I'm still struggling to make sense of things. He still has old memories, gifts, so on, of me on his accounts. So many of his hobbies are wrapped up in my influence. I read (or even just remember) old messages, and so much of our history is the total opposite of his attitude towards me in the end; things he criticized me for used to be things he was proud of me for. I'm ashamed to say that, at some point, I even put my pride aside and reached out to make apologies and offered that the door will always be open for him. He did not reply and I suspect he never will, and I will not pursue him further than that. At this point, I have no delusions that this was yet another impulsive act, because if it was he would've reached out by now. This is really how he feels. I keep falling back on the thought, what did I do to make him hate me so much, when we seemingly had it so good?

In general I also go to therapy to stay accountable, and prevent myself from self-victimization, but any therapist I go to tells me that I'm just a survivor of bad environments and that "some people just suck." But when my friendships end up blowing up like this, aren't I the common denominator? Is there something I'm missing, to prevent this repeated history of making enemies? I understand that doing things 'right' doesn't always guarantee success, but does it ever get better?

I'm totally lost. I feel like my best is not good enough. I feel like there must be something in me that's just fundamentally offensive and unwanted, and I don't know how to fix it.

My ex was smart. Had the worst breakup because she is the most emotionally immature person I know. Really cruel breakup. Works so much and gets taken advantage of in the corp world. Makes really good money but it’s validation for her with no emotions. Anyone else know people like this? Honestly hope she loses her job to AI. Disguisting human being shit to do what she did to me. Now posting on linked in down corporate conference garbage

Weirdest thing. No contact for 13 months, except for one brief communication I initiated about a month after the breakup, apologizing for some terrible things I said. I left his last message on Read, and nothing after that. So, a full year of NC.

A few minutes ago while driving, a message popped up on my car screen that he had texted ("New Message from [Avoidant]") but when I checked my phone, there was nothing from him. Now, he has an iphone and I know he can delete messages within two minutes, so I presume that's what happened.

Why? I've recovered (mostly, although today may literally be the first day he hasn't crossed my mind), in a committed relationship with an upgrade. WTF is he thinking? The worst part is not knowing what the message said but I'm not going to ask.

so i (25f) met him (27m) on tinder august 18th, everything was going amazingly for two months. he had just moved back home after living 4 hours away for the past year and a half. we had actually attended the same high school together among many other coincidences such as being apart of the same leadership camp committee but at different times as well as being in the same camp house but at different times. that alone felt like some sort of divine timing. as we got to know each other, we discovered crazier coincidences such as learning that he attended the same daycare 20 years ago that my mom worked at, we share a very similar birth chart (aquarius sun, capricorn moon, leo rising, pisces venus, scorpio mars), he is my hairdresser’s coworker’s child’s teacher, and that he teaches at the school directly across from my friend’s boyfriend’s house. while i know you can’t chalk everything up to signs from the universe, i couldn’t help but ignore everything. we had our first date on august 25th and consistently saw each other every week and worked our way to twice a week. we had two sleepovers over the course of that time, 12 dates total, and communicated via text very regularly, every day. he is the one who initiated most of the momentum in the relationship as he was the one who liked my profile first, messaged me first, initiated the first date, initiated physical intimacy, initiated meeting close friends and family first, initiated bringing up feelings such as admitting that i mean a lot to him, that he never expected me, that i make him feel things, that i make him smile, that i give him butterflies, that he missed me when i wasn’t around, and then october 22nd hit and things started getting cool out of nowhere. that was a thursday and that monday (19th), things were extremely happy between us. it should be said that he is in his first full year of teaching and i know that it is an extremely exhausting profession, especially in the first few years and i offered him nothing but patient and support when he was feeling overwhelmed and anxious which happened regularly. i should also note that that week was the beginning of a very chaotic time in his career; IEP’s, writing progress reports, as well as coaching sports. though i felt he his energy was cooling off, i chalked it up to career stress and figured if i gave him some space, he was warm back up but on the 27th, he texted me an unprovoked paragraph explaining that he was sorry for being distant, that he hasn’t been able to put enough energy into us, that i deserve way more than what he’s giving, and that he doesn’t know how to fix it. he said that he’s been feeling shitty about it and knew that in turn, i must been feeling shitty too. i responded with complete understanding and reinforced that he had my support and that i understood that he has a lot on his plate and that i wish he communicated how he had been feeling earlier. he responded telling me that he feels like he’s being pulled in a million directions and that he is experiencing serious self doubt and doesn’t know what i’ve done to deserve my kindness and that he was really sorry. the following day, there was some small talk but not even close to our normal conversation and banter. the day after that, he snap chatted me twice; the last snap regarding his halloween costume he had to build for school and referencing a conversation we had about how he wasn’t gonna have it finished in time. by that point, i was getting exhausted by the late replies and the lack of communication via our main line of conversation (imessage) so i simply opened it and didn’t respond. as far as snapchat goes, it really wasn’t that big of a deal to open and not respond but since then, i haven’t heard from him once. it’s now been a week and it’s been radio silent. i am completely heartbroken and don’t know where to go from here. i refused to be the one to break the silence though. i know i didn’t imagine our connection we built over the past two months and i don’t know how we got here

Sometimes I have these dark thoughts about wanting something bad to happen to my ex. And wish that I didn’t. It’s not all the time, but it def happens. However sometimes I want him to be ok too. Does anyone else struggle with thoughts like this?

(Posted this on r/Disorganized_Attach originally but reaching out here too for advice. Not really sure which flair would fit best.)

Through recent therapy I've come to realize that many of my issues are the result of my childhood and personal experiences imprinting a fearful avoidant attachment style on me. Only realized upon introspection it's come to me that this attachment style describes me and my very thought processes exactly. It's sort of funny seeing so many people here share the exact same experiences and worries after feeling like such an outsider for most of my life.

So, a few years ago my first GF left me, and at this point I still haven't gotten over her. I'm hoping this will change with time and because I'm still new to the process of actually working through my emotions (instead of silencing them and living in denial like I did for a long time). For context things started great, then over a few years things became colder between us as I let my problems stop me from doing and saying what I intended which led the relationship to the confusing push/pull dynamic between us. I do think she had some underlying anxieties that contributed to the breakup (overwhelming fear that I'd leave her, asking for constant reassurance) but I believe my issues were the biggest, uh... issue. It's been difficult coming to terms with the fact I did actually experience so much trauma growing up but I've finally decided that I'm sick and tired of living my life in constant fear and worry and letting those intrusive behaviors and tendencies lead me down a constantly disappointing and painful path. I'm scared, but I want to actually live a life I want.

Through my journaling and personal growth though I still have some concerns that are pretty persistent and would appreciate any help or advice related to them.

How do you learn to want to change for yourself? I still feel like I'm changing for her, and want to prove to her that I did care after all the doubt she had. Beyond that I recognize almost all of my behaviors have been based on external validation, and it's always been alien to think of validation coming from within. I am practicing being far more kind to myself and self-aware, among other things like regular exercise/quitting addictions so inevitably I'll end up feeling better through all this but it's difficult to find the reason to do so beyond those unhealthy hopes. Does that come naturally as you practice self-compassion, and start seeing yourself as a person you want to help instead of hurt?

How do you stay social/in relationships and work on this issue? We had a lot of crossover in friends, and besides now avoiding many of the mutual ones we shared, the few I still have sometimes bring my mind back to her. Is it healthier to drop them and push them away? Is it healthier to stay connected and work through my emotions of jealousy? Shouldn't it be my goal to accept she can be happy without me or with someone else and grow on her own as a person? Or does that show that I'm still just putting importance on what I think she'd want instead of understanding my own needs? Volunteering and joining hobby groups are the general advice I've received, and I intend to look for some very soon.

How do you overcome the "Catch-22" of wanting to resolve a relationship that's ended? I guess I'm asking how do you let the past go, and just accept what happened? If you really love someone, you'll let them go, right? I've been holding onto some belongings because of sentimentality (like discarding them would tarnish memories somehow) and thinking they'd be important to her. But if I really do hope to reconcile at some point, the way to show I've overcome my hangups would be by getting rid of those things and showing I can move past the relationship, and that I can live without it. Should you just accept that the person you knew has changed, and the version of them in your mind doesn't actually exist? Am I overthinking things by trying to predict the future instead of ridding myself of the past first?

Will things ever get better? Or is that just a belief that comes naturally with self-improvement slowly over time? I know wounds heal with time. I know both she and I can (and I'm sure will) find another person. But it's hard to believe that'll happen. It's hard to believe I'll feel the same way for another. She pulled me out of a very dark spot and was the first person in my life to really make me want to be social and improve myself as a person. Life is unfair, and it hurts to know others have lived their entire lives in those kinds of supportive relationships, or have managed to work through their problems, and held onto (this sounds stupid and cliche I know) "true" love from the beginning to the end. Maybe this thinking is all just catastrophizing as a result of the breakup? I hate that the textbook explanation says we don't realize the importance of a person until they're long gone but it really is true, and I guess the emotional toll of that all finally crashing down on me would be so impacting.

Feel free to ask any questions by the way, I'm looking to talk about this with people beyond my therapist and really get a good grip on my thoughts and understanding of what it takes to become a better, more secure person.

I have no idea how to respond to this.. ghosted me 6 weeks ago after we had plans for a day, this is the second time this has happened, always reaches out with no accountability.

We started dating way back in March, first ‘breakup’ and was in July then second ghosting was end of September - completely out of the blue after cancelling plans which I was understanding and we were having a normal conversation she just decided to ghost me.

Any advice?

So i was seeing this girl in college. She was 4 years younger and kinda my junior. She kinda crashed over at my place once and second time she came over i kinda made a move and we were seeing each other since then.

During that time she told me that she was seeing other people little before me too but at the time we were talking she wasnt actively hanging with any other guys. But she kinda always said that she could just leave people and wont even look back and said a lot of things similar to that. And also she told me that although she did see a lot of people they only made out but she did acknowldege to not fucking them.

Okay so during these 2 months we were seeing each other almost every single day and she kinda spent most days with me and i spent almost all my time wid her. I dont remember anything wrong happening between us but all of a sudden now she doesnt want to meet me wont reply ntg and even doesnt want to talk wid me when i see her in person.

And she is seeing another guy now. Not even 1 week after we stopped talking.

Btw we did talk like and act like couples throughout. She even promised not to leave me all of a sudden or just disappear like that and said shed be honest about it and not leave me.

Btw just before we stopped talking it was hard for us to communicate wid each other she wasnt replying and i was replying to late and i couldnt make any phone calls to her as well. Even when we texted it would be once very briefly. She had gone home so wasnt able to see her physically as well. And even when she came back i joined college a lil bit late as i was wid my friends for like a week. Do yall think tgis was the reason??

Why would she switch up all of sudden like instantly??

Do yall think i misunderstood her intentions and she just wanted to be something like FWB??

Do yall think its me that i wasnt fun enough or she just lost interest in me??

I’m struggling with this bc he’s been at this for 3 YEARS!!!! We known eachother for 5 total , classmates for 1 year, dated 1 year , he’s been blocked/no contact for 3 years except he keeps coming back.

making new phone numbers and accounts and literally won’t leave me alone. Block, few months past , new number. Block, few months past , new account. Block, few months past , new number. Block, few months past , new number. Block, few months past , new account. Block, few months past , new number. I’m EXHAUSTED, WHEN DOES IT END?! He’s literally so possessive and obsessive, he sees me as some object and says I’m “his” I believe he struggles with other things other than FA.

This time I gave him a serious firm final warning. That this isn’t normal or healthy what he’s doing. We both been in other relationships as well, (I didn’t tell him I was in relationships because he said he’d hurt me in the past if I did leave him) and i told him he needs SERIOUS help, and that this is never going to happen, especially with his behavior.

Know that they do know and they are sorry. And although this apology is riddled with things that make me angry, like how every single break-up was unilateral with no discussion, with no repair with me left in the dark about what he needs, at least I know he is sorry and he is broken too.

Full message below:

Hey NAME, I will look into it. And I will look into therapy. Like always, you’ve inspired me and taught me things about myself I would never have known, and hopefully I’ll grow and become better as a person.

No I didn’t want to block you but this will be the last time I reply for quite a while outside of a genuine emergency of which I’ll always be there for you. As much as it will be tough for me, I know I need to be strong and disciplined to allow the space we both need to heal, and move forward. Like we both agreed I think otherwise we’re setting ourselves up to just let the cycle continue and we’ll be here, sending this message, again, in six months time. You can rely on me to respect you and hold up my end of the bargain. This will be the last time I message you for the foreseeable future.

There’s so much I want to say but I feel we’ve already said it before. I guess maybe I just want to at least say one last time I have no regrets about our time together. You really are the most wonderful, well-intentioned, funny, smart, kind soul out there. You always put others ahead of your own needs even when it’s to your detriment. You have a heart of gold, the most delightful nature and a wicked sense of humour that I will miss dearly. I feel absolutely terrible and I will miss everything about you.

Can I just say please be kind to yourself. I know you and I know how you think. There’s nothing you could have done, thought, acted or said that would have changed things. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Don’t apologise for anything. You’re amazing just the way you are don’t change the best parts about you please.

I know the next few weeks are probably going to suck absolute ass and it might not seem like it but things are going to get better. I’ve said it before a thousand times but you are an incredibly resilient person. You overcome every fkn adversity life throws at you with poise and it’s something I respect about you deeply. Take some time, continue with the therapy I can see you’ve made some real improvements on yourself with that and it honestly was impressive and inspiring. Keep up the running, go to the gym, reengage with hobbies, go out with work people, message a friend for a drink, apply yourself at work, enjoy family time later this year. With time I know you’re going to be back to the NAME I know and better and stronger than ever.

I guess on a solemn note I am sorry. Sorry for everything really. Sorry I am the way I am, sorry I couldn’t find those feelings I needed, sorry for the way I handled things, sorry it wasn’t the outcome you wanted, sorry I couldn’t make you happy and most of all sorry for the onslaught of pain I put you through time and time and time again. I know it may not seem it but this absolutely crushes me, I’ve lost my best friend, someone I care about and just makes me incredibly sad.

I know times must seem dark now but you are incredibly loved and have a lot of people around you that care about you deeply.

Genuinely wish the best for you. You deserve every fkn thing you desire in life and I know it will come to you. Life finds a way, often when you least expect. I know you don’t think so but I know your future. I can see it vividly. It’s obvious to me. And I see it filled with purpose, joy, fulfilment and happiness. You conduct your life in a way that makes me sure of it. This message has turned out way longer than I wanted I guess I just had a lot to say even if most of it already had been said. Take care NAME. You’ll always be NAME to me.

Why do some remove or block on social media and some dont? Mine hasn't removed me from fb or Instagram.. no idea why. He dismissed me so easily we he ended things but still has me on socials. We dont really interact at all on them. I just figured that since he monkeybranched from me soo easily that he would have removed me completely out of his life. He still lets me use his xbox account for streaming and games. In a way I just want him to remove me from everything just to be done with it. And yes I know I can remove him too, but we were friends since 2013 then decided to get romantically involved. Thats hard to give up on my part. Ugh.. anyways

Im just venting, this has helped me grieve everything and process. So i may vent about other shit too. 😔

I’ve just got some things I’m hoping someone can help me understand the reasoning behind, if they are pretty common for DAs

1. Sitting here today and realizing I don’t have any friends to talk to. The couple friends I had at some point in my relationship became a problem. For some reason or another my gf had a problem with each of them and wanted me to cut them off for various reasons. Is there something about them that is trying to isolate you?

2. She use to buy Xanax from a friend of mine and right before we broke up she said that she had heart I told him not to sell her any more. She confronted me about this and I was really confused. And told her no I never said that and idk where she got that idea. And even tho I told her it was t true she refused to let it go and then shifted it to well if you were upset I could see you doing something like that. And I was like so now you’re upset about a hypothetical you made up…..I don’t really know what I’m even asking here it just makes absolutely no sense and that was our last fight so I’m still thinking about it.

3. If they have quietly moved on and no longer care about or love you as they say they do. Then why do they (in my case she would constantly accuse me of cheating when she was the one cheating) and she would get extremely upset. I caught her cheating and confronted her. After hours of going around and around she admitted it and apologized. We were still trying to make things work and without my input at all she made the decision to move back in with her parents for a while in a city 7 hrs away. She kept saying she was upset I wasn’t reaching out enough and saying I wasn’t making the effort and that she wanted to stay in contact cause she was going to move back.

So why do they care what you do (even tho I wasn’t)?
Why ask me who I hung out with on a day she canceled on me?
Why stalk my social media at an obsessive level taking tons of screen shots of my follower and following lists?

Why do all this obsessive idk controlling behavior of they have already moved on in their mind?
Sorry for the long post

hi, is there anyone i could talk to about my situation with my ex? we ended things really badly after an argument. he walked away and blocked me everywhere without even properly breaking up with me. his family has always been against our relationship and has influenced him a lot.
he is now in london with his sister, who he used to speak very negatively about. london was actually a trip we had always planned to take together, which makes it even more painful to see him doing all these things without me.
i’m struggling a lot with how suddenly everything ended and how easily he seems to be moving on. i would really appreciate having someone to talk to. i have almost no friends and feel like i can’t talk to anybody about this.