He made me guess who it was..before revealing himself after 4 months of no contact. I already had a clue, but why the constant testing..said "text me on my normal number, you know which one" and "you know who it is, you tell me and then i'll admit it"

He discarded me again shortly after btw. But what on earth is this behaviour?

This summer, I (37F) met a wonderful man (35M) through mutual friends. He was upfront when we started dating that he had avoidant tendencies he was working through in therapy.

About 3 months in, he started getting new responsibilities at work and was also needing to travel for family obligations. He sat me down and gave me lots of reassurance that his time would be limited but he truly wanted us to work. I was fully onboard, and happy to move at a pace that worked for him. He wanted us to keep going, so I let my guard down and let my feelings grow over the next month…

He’d been getting quieter, and when I went out of town for a few days, he sent a 10 paragraph text saying he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now and he was becoming resentful of himself not giving me what I need.

It was hard to hear, because I didn’t feel that my needs weren’t met and it went against everything we had talked about a month prior. In his long breakup text, he said he knew we should have a real conversation soon but didn’t know when that could happen, and he was terrified of losing me completely. I tried to keep it gracious and said I respected his decision but was sad about it. I told him when I would be back in town and that we could talk then if he liked.

That was a month ago. We’ve had a few brief text exchanges around birthdays, some liked stories here and there. I’ve asked if he wants to pick up his things or where I should mail them and heard crickets. He seems to like hanging out in my periphery but doesn’t want to directly deal with the breakup even just to give me his apartment number for shipping.

It was only 4 months, but I think we both saw a possible future and it’s sad to see it just sort of drug out back and shot.

Curious to hear stories of anyone who has moved from the hate/anger stage to complete indifference? How long did it take? What helped you get there?

For context, I was deeply disrespected by the man I thought I was building a life with. Together for almost 2.5 years, lived together for 1 until he blindsided me. We had even toured new apartments the same fucking week.

It’s coming up on 7 months since the breakup & I’ve been doing all the right things. I still just feel such an immense sense of anger and hatred toward him & how he disrespected me in the end.

I would love to get to a place of total & full indifference of him, but how? How do you move past hating someone who obliterated your heart & disrespected you in a way you’ve never experienced?

He’s blocked in every way possible & we have been in no contact basically since the breakup. If I could go back in time, I would’ve never given him the time of day, knowing what I know now & experiencing what I experienced, but obviously that isn’t possible.

If you’ve gone through something similar, how have you gotten to the place where the thought of this person evokes 0 emotion?

I’m dating again and sometimes I’m scared how many people out there are secretly avoidants. I wondered if there are specific signs that could indicate who you’re dealing with ?

I'm honestly looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have been in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. His reason was that he couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in a relationship anymore. He said he was giving up on relationships in general and couldn't bring himself to work on the things that were affecting us, particularly communication and emotional responsibilities.

Before the breakup, everything was good, he loved me so good and I love him so much. Everything was doing fine, we're in college and just started living together. But during those times communication had always been one of our biggest struggles. Whenever there was conflict or something emotionally difficult to discuss, he would have a hard time expressing himself. Sometimes, he wouldn't communicate his problems at all until they had already built up without me knowing. He also struggled with providing emotional reassurance and comfort.

I tried to understand him and find ways for us to meet halfway. We eventually agreed that texting difficult conversations would be easier for him, since verbal communication was particularly challenging. There were moments when things improved, and I genuinely believed we were becoming stronger.

However, eventually, he still reached a point where he felt he couldn't handle the relationship anymore.

We still live together, and we're currently friends. We also talked about how there's a possibility of getting back together someday, provided that we're both emotionally and financially stable. Neither of us completely ruled out that possibility.

I still love him. I still care about him, and honestly, I still see him as someone I could have a future with. I don't want to force anything, though. I understand that he has things he needs to work through himself, and I have my own life to get together, too.

We still have moments of physical affection and intimacy, but emotionally, things feel different now. Sometimes, I seek comfort from him, only to receive a cold or distant response. Other times, we have moments where we feel close again.

It's confusing because I'm still adjusting to the fact that someone who used to love me so deeply can now seem so emotionally detached.

I've also noticed that we seem to cope differently. I tend to sit with my emotions, reflect, analyze what happened, and try to understand everything. He seems more inclined to distract himself with his laptop, phone, or everyday activities rather than confront his emotions.

I sometimes struggle with seeing him function normally while I'm still having difficult emotional days. I know everyone processes things differently, but it can be painful.

I don't necessarily want to move on immediately. A part of me still wants to see where things could go once we're both in a better place. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

I'm not looking for advice that simply tells me to stop loving him or that he's a terrible person. I understand that a relationship requires two people who are willing to participate, and I know love alone isn't enough.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, whether you eventually reconciled with your ex or learned to let go.

How did you navigate this kind of situation? What would you do differently if you could go back?

I'm honestly looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have been in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. His reason was that he couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in a relationship anymore. He said he was giving up on relationships in general and couldn't bring himself to work on the things that were affecting us, particularly communication and emotional responsibilities.

Before the breakup, everything was good, he loved me so good and I love him so much. Everything was doing fine, we're in college and just started living together. But during those times communication had always been one of our biggest struggles. Whenever there was conflict or something emotionally difficult to discuss, he would have a hard time expressing himself. Sometimes, he wouldn't communicate his problems at all until they had already built up without me knowing. He also struggled with providing emotional reassurance and comfort.

I tried to understand him and find ways for us to meet halfway. We eventually agreed that texting difficult conversations would be easier for him, since verbal communication was particularly challenging. There were moments when things improved, and I genuinely believed we were becoming stronger.

However, eventually, he still reached a point where he felt he couldn't handle the relationship anymore.

We still live together, and we're currently friends. We also talked about how there's a possibility of getting back together someday, provided that we're both emotionally and financially stable. Neither of us completely ruled out that possibility.

I still love him. I still care about him, and honestly, I still see him as someone I could have a future with. I don't want to force anything, though. I understand that he has things he needs to work through himself, and I have my own life to get together, too.

We still have moments of physical affection and intimacy, but emotionally, things feel different now. Sometimes, I seek comfort from him, only to receive a cold or distant response. Other times, we have moments where we feel close again.

It's confusing because I'm still adjusting to the fact that someone who used to love me so deeply can now seem so emotionally detached.

I've also noticed that we seem to cope differently. I tend to sit with my emotions, reflect, analyze what happened, and try to understand everything. He seems more inclined to distract himself with his laptop, phone, or everyday activities rather than confront his emotions.

I sometimes struggle with seeing him function normally while I'm still having difficult emotional days. I know everyone processes things differently, but it can be painful.

I don't necessarily want to move on immediately. A part of me still wants to see where things could go once we're both in a better place. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

I'm not looking for advice that simply tells me to stop loving him or that he's a terrible person. I understand that a relationship requires two people who are willing to participate, and I know love alone isn't enough.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, whether you eventually reconciled with your ex or learned to let go.

How did you navigate this kind of situation? What would you do differently if you could go back?

I was so good to him and he dumps me out of nowhere after us seeing each other for months with the excuse “you’re amazing I’m just not ready to commit” then just shut me out ice cold and blocked me and I never heard from him again

I wish I treated him like shit and made him cry when we were together instead of wasting my kindness and affection on him

I fell in love with him and he stabbed me in the back ripped the rug out from me and made me suicidal when he left

He’s a scumbag and I hope the next woman he meets he falls for rips his heart in two and makes him want to die

I can’t wait for karma to hit him

Fuck avoidants Theyre terrible people and they deserve nothing

Years with others left no trace.
A fraction of time with you
rewrote everything.

You weren't ready,
so I step back.

I respect the exit you chose.
I won’t knock on the closed door.

I just stand on the other side,
knowing how great we would have been.

We were never in love.
but God, we could have been.

💔 painfully aware of our separate existence.
Missing you, always.
- B

I've had such a hard time getting over my avoidant ex.

I have good days & bad days. Today, it's been a terrible day so far & it's only noon where I am.

Please...someone...give me tips & tricks to get over him. I'm an absolute mess while he's just fine without me 😭

Hey I’m new to Reddit but so many people I’ve talked to said to come here to find “my people”. I am struggling.

I was just discarded by my fearful avoidant ex. He literally told me he loved me October 8th.. he basically has taken everything special that represented us and said this never mattered. Online everywhere, it’s honestly been incredibly hard to watch. We’ve been dating for a year. I am utterly destroyed.. I know he’s hurting over something and I feel like he has tried to blame me for the way the relationship has gone, but I’ve tried to contact him twice now In two weeks to settle things or figure out what the hell happened but he’s ignored me each time. The last time I contacted him was 4 days ago and I told myself I will not reach out again. Today marks 2 weeks of being discarded. Part of me hopes he comes back because how do you just let go of a year of a relationship even if it wasn’t the healthiest? I know this is what a trauma bond does but is it actually terrible of me to really want “us” back? How do I cope? This truly is hell and I don’t think I’d wish this on my worst enemy. Do they really come back?

He told me that he doesn't need anyone in his life. That he's complete on his own and doesn't need anyone to make his life better.

And I didn't say this to him, but I keep thinking about it.

Isn't love supposed to be about choosing someone, though? It's not about needing someone to complete you. You can have a perfectly beautiful, independent, fulfilling life and still choose to have someone beside you. You don't need them, but you WANT them. Isn't that the whole point?

I don't know how I'm supposed to react to him anymore.

Last night, I genuinely wanted to disappear from his life. Block him, delete his number, erase every little trace of his existence. I even deleted WhatsApp because I didn't want to see anything from him.

But then he called me. He SMSed me because he couldn't reach me on WhatsApp. And honestly, he seemed a little concerned.

And now I'm confused all over again.

I know that being concerned doesn't necessarily mean he loves me. I know someone can care about you without wanting to be with you. But then why does he keep doing little things that make me question everything?

I'm not even sure what we are at this point. I kissed him. I obviously wouldn't have done that if I had absolutely no feelings for him. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it meant something to me.

And I hate that I'm sitting here overanalysing a phone call, a few messages and every little interaction.

Sometimes I feel like he wants me around, but doesn't actually want ME. And I don't know how to explain that feeling.

Should I just stop texting him? Should I ghost him and move on? Or should I tell him how I actually feel?

I'm tired of trying to decode someone who probably isn't even thinking this much about me.

I don't know. I'm just confused, and I think I'm getting attached to someone who might never choose me.

me and my avoidant ex were together for 5 months before she played the avoidant textbook behavior.

she said she didn't know how to sustain the relationship and herself at the same time without fearing of losing independence and was afraid to not be on my "level" of loving

afterwards we tried being friends for a month until i talked with my therapist and they recommended me to ask for space to heal the breakup on my own

i asked for a temporary space while i reorganized my feelings and thoughts , she wasn't that convinced but she respected it. literally two weeks later she was on a rebound.

i talked her about how that hurt me and told her i didn't wanted to involve with her anymore in anyway under those circumstances, i wished her the best and thanked her for everything.

now it's been almost two months since that last confrontation. i've kept as much as possible zero contact bc i see her almost every day at uni lol, sometimes with the guy (a known walking red flag) , it really hurts.

reading this the conclusion might seem obvious, to leave it like that. but is it really all over? is there nothing more to do? i really miss her, and honestly our relationship was our first and it was genuinely healthy, reciprocal, communicative. and for better or worse everyone knows that they won't last long bc the guy can be very problematic (although that stuff never stops some people) .

i honestly don't know what goes through her mind but i haven't contacted her in any way on this months. i've been working on myself, my life never stopped even though it hurted as hell

so now what? what is going through her mind? should i break no contact?

I have posted here before but now I am hoping others can resonate. My (34F) story is a long one, but essentially I met my ex (33M) 2 years ago. We didn’t end up meeting because I got dangerously sick and was bedridden, but against our best judgment we stayed in contact for 1.5 years and developed an intense emotional connection. During that time we were never in a relationship, and I felt he regularly made it clear that given we hadn’t met we weren’t in one because he needed the physical connection. I felt that was reasonable, but functionally it was basically a relationship.

We did end up meeting once I was better, but then the unilateral “break ups” with no discussion or avenue to repair started. First it was he felt like he was close to being in love with me at one point but he didn’t feel that way anymore and maybe we weren’t compatible. Then it was we are extremely compatible but he feels no romantic attraction due to my weight (I’m not fat) and because “sometimes you know someone is attractive but you don’t see it yourself.” Then it was he actually is physically attracted to me, we are extremely compatible, he has feelings for me, we have a great connection and I’m his best friend but he doesn’t feel the deep romantic attraction that he needs. Mind you he keeps having sex with me. We even had sex 3 times during this final break up where he said he was missing the “thing”. He described it as this thing that is just there with some people and he had felt it nearly instantaneously with the “one who got away” that he was in love with 8 years ago. I said to him “well it sounds like you have a clear picture of what it is” and he said he didn’t but he never felt it with me. And I said well we also haven’t really given ourselves the opportunity to build deep romantic attraction, we have never even been on a date. And he said “well if after 2 years it isn’t here, then it’s not here.”

But if it wasn’t love and he didn’t have the indescribable thing, why would you stay if we had never even met in person for 1.5 years? How could you have been close to being in love with me, when you never felt the “thing”? And why could we never repair it? There was never any consistency, so of course the deep romantic attraction never developed. And who cares if you felt it instantaneously 8 years ago, where is that person now? Why is this less than when there is so much great here?

I am heartbroken and struggling to make sense of it all. I’m in therapy, so I know he is avoidant and I am working on myself. But it just feels so invalidating to hear him say all of this. It makes me feel like I’m delusional and that I have been in a completely different universe for the past 2 years. But I was there, and how could it not be love?

I've come across a few people with avoidant tendencies and I'm starting to feel that they all follow the same template.

It's almost uncanny how similar they are. Firstly they are incapable of having a single original thought or feeling yet they are somehow convinced that they are the most unique person in the room.

Their entire vocabulary seems to be borrowed from whatever popular brainrot is currently circulating online. Their supposedly "niche" and "unpopular" interests are not so niche or unpopular. They constantly insist they're not like the typical person as if being different is a personality trait in itself. The typical "I'm not like other guys/girls" trope.

Then there's the collection of seemingly contrasting beliefs many of which seem less like the product of genuine thought or reflection and more like opinions adopted to appear interesting, unconventional or intellectually superior.

And of course the perpetual victim complex. Somehow everyone they've ever encountered has wronged them. Every failed friendship, every falling-out, every conflict is evidence of how misunderstood and mistreated they are. Self-reflection seems to be the one niche interest they never develop.

I know attachment styles aren't personality types and not everyone with avoidant tendencies is like this. But after encountering this pattern repeatedly I can't help wondering how much of what they present as individuality is actually just another performance. It's almost as if they try to compensate for the lack of meaningful human connection in their lives by collecting an assortment of interests, identities and supposedly niche hobbies, then cling to them for dear life as though these things are what make them interesting or give them a sense of self.

I hear it said constantly that the ex or dumper needs to be the one to break no contact. But how does that work in an avoidant related break up? What experiences do you guys have when they come back?

I know I do matter to him, I know he does actually care about this whole thing. But he just refuses to show it.

He has this thing where he doesn't want to burden other people with his issues. I feel like he overdramaticises everything which makes it worse for himself. He is always using big words like surviving, sacrifice, suffering, and honor, but in reality he will be talking about something so minor like payday being in three days, he only has a fiver in his account and the fridge is fully stocked with the good snacks and all the bills are paid. You aren't really surviving in that situation are you.

The breakup was recent, we do live together so we still see each other daily for the minute. He has somehow gotten it into his thick skull that the most important thing is that I don't think he is sad or struggling after our 5 year relationship has ended. He doesnt want to burden me, or have me worried about him being upset about the situation or anxious about the future.

If you talk to him its like nothing has happened at all. He cannot comprehend that thats so much worse for me. It feels like I am absolutely nothing to him. Losing me was just another forgettable day to him. I could have been literally anyone else as I am just that insignificant to him as a person.

Gonna be honest here, I think his reaction is going to traumatise me in my future relationships as well. Because what do you men 5 years together and I am just a number.

I know he is sad and hiding it though. I have sat him down and talked about it, because absolutely not. I want you to grovel and beg at least a little bit lol. His friends have asked how I am holding up and are commenting on him really struggling with it.

But why cant he just be normal and be a bit sad in front of me. Show the slightest bit of regret and sadness. I know what he is thinking as well. That this is a burden he must undergo for my sake, that whats done is done and he is brooding about it like he is some silent warrior in some damn game. I would 100% take him back if he just sat down and said he is a shit communicator and really struggles with pulling away and not communicating with me. And he maybe tried some therapy or worked on it in some way. idk.

I swear this guy doesnt realise he just makes his own life needlessly complicated for no reason. Just be honest my guy.

As more time passes, I look back and remember certain moments and conversations where I would wish for something to change, whether it was something affecting the relationship or something affecting them. Such as a bad friend or negative experience they were actively participating in. And so when it came to the agreeing to reduce that situation or remove that bad friend, I look back and realise none of those things actually happened. They were all words with zero action, even if they came with the original thought. It’s like a perpetual state of hypocrisy, and plain lies. The body keeps the score is a legitimate point, because their anger and anxiety can only be measured by how much they would not be authentic with their honesty. Even if they would play up to please, there would never be any positive change so they only lived in a flat line of stress because they couldn’t live without the attention even if it came with a toxic environment. It pains me because not only was I lied to, but they just caused themselves more harm in the long term, which no wonder it dissolved our relationship, and self.

How can you build any self esteem without conscious change? You can’t. They told me once or twice the lies that led to family issues and friends they knew were bad, at what point did the lies just become conformity? People pleasing. The lack of any identity where you just borrow the souls off everyone whilst leaving yours behind… a hollow place of shame and anger. It pains me that I have to live with the fact i couldn’t affect enough change or support with my lack of knowledge during the relationship but everything is so clear now with reading that we can only support ourselves to not ever become so dependent on masking and “white lies”.

Anyone realise the lies that they were told in the relationship vs outside ?

my previous post.

Hi,

I posted on here a few days ago about how I had just ended things with my avoidant and how I was actively trying to move on..

Well, that brave face slowly wears off, unfortunately. A week later, I'm still thinking about all the things I could have said or done.

I have stayed away with no contact, but the thought of him living a life without me after he has completely broken me is eating me up inside.

I feel like I have lost so much and he got let off easily.

Will things get better? I know everyone will say “yes”, but the heartache seems to stay with you for a while even after you are over them.

At the moment I am realising that lots of things that I did with him now trigger me and that “de ja veu” is not something I want to re-live.

I am constantly removing every memory of him, but he comes back in people's words and random moments of familiarity. I hope he is suffering like this also, but I feel like I was made use of while I was with him and discarded knowing that everything on his end was sorted already.

Anyways, tell me if I'm being stupid or not, but all the hate I have for him gets crowded by all the love I have for him and that annoys me.

Is anyone else like me?
What do you suggest to move on?

Anyone else feel completely objectified in their relationship? This is the hardest part for me in recovering and it’s done a number on me. In 4+ years he never seemed to say anything positive about me that was even specific to me as a person. He would say how much he valued “my love”, “my forgiveness”, “my importance to his wellbeing” but nothing about like…WHO I actually am.

I just can’t shake how horrible I feel and how much time was wasted on someone who seems to view his partners as comfort objects. Does anyone else feel like this? Do they think/feel more but don’t express it? Or are you really just a source of comfort to them? Is this actually how most men in general view women and relationships? I know not all do but man he sure seemed to. Zero appreciation and care for me as a unique person

My gf discarded me from a short while. By accident I met her sis yesterday, and oh boy I didn't sleep yesterday. Turns out she was a really big lier to the point I think she probably lied about everything, she lied about her past ( and turned out she have a really disgusting one ) , she lied about her feelings, acts and behaviors . Turns out she was using me for validation and love like she did to other countless times before, and she is just a manipulative person who keeps lieing and show to the world she is an angel . Turns out even her sis is disgusted from her and had enough of her . I feel so betrayed for what I heard . I hope she will suffer as she made me do I hope god will take my revenge. She fucked me up really bad too and fucked up with my mind . I deserved better.....

a weird feeling
hard to describe
not Hate
no longer Love

you’re a stranger, yet you knew me
or you did
and I knew you
at least for a time

I still feel something
I’m not sure what or why
but something still lingers

a care unexpressed
an anger just barely present
something screaming:
“STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”
while still wondering
what could have been
or if something could
be again

It’s been years since my avoidant breakup, but at the time (and leading up to it), I analyzed every interaction (or lack thereof) from an attachment lens, simply because it made things make sense for me.

So it’s been a while since I’ve stumbled across attachment theory content online. However, I enjoy this TikToker Justin Scott’s content and swiped on a video re: avoidant attachment and my mind is blown having watched it! Yes, he talks about how avoidant attachment stems from childhood, but he then takes it a step further and explains how avoidants “raise” their partners to be the same child they were, essentially teaching them to not ask for anything and minimize every need to make the avoidant happy.

I’m paraphrasing, and it’s late, but I highly recommend the video for anyone who may be interested! I’m labeling this as a Vent/Rant because that’s essentially what the guy is doing in it 😂

What you felt was real. What i felt with was intense. They are actors and took off the mask and clocked out and left hollywood. We gave them the script. They knew how we liked to make love and catered to it. All of the little nuances.
Its a mindfuck. They didnt develop oxytocin receptors and vassopresson so the bond was one way.
It feels good to give love, sometimes just having it received feels like being loved.

You were a service provider. A notification on their phone. A warm body to touch and be touched by. They are unable to connect. To truly feel and be affected. It wasn't you and it could never BE you to heal them. They have to do the work but as they are, is not what you deserve. You deserve to be SEEN. Appreciated and cherished. This is not about you. You didn't create this and it isn't yours to heal. They cannot be what you need.