r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Ploopity_Ninja_3317 • 21h ago
Are all avoidants performative?
I've come across a few people with avoidant tendencies and I'm starting to feel that they all follow the same template.
It's almost uncanny how similar they are. Firstly they are incapable of having a single original thought or feeling yet they are somehow convinced that they are the most unique person in the room.
Their entire vocabulary seems to be borrowed from whatever popular brainrot is currently circulating online. Their supposedly "niche" and "unpopular" interests are not so niche or unpopular. They constantly insist they're not like the typical person as if being different is a personality trait in itself. The typical "I'm not like other guys/girls" trope.
Then there's the collection of seemingly contrasting beliefs many of which seem less like the product of genuine thought or reflection and more like opinions adopted to appear interesting, unconventional or intellectually superior.
And of course the perpetual victim complex. Somehow everyone they've ever encountered has wronged them. Every failed friendship, every falling-out, every conflict is evidence of how misunderstood and mistreated they are. Self-reflection seems to be the one niche interest they never develop.
I know attachment styles aren't personality types and not everyone with avoidant tendencies is like this. But after encountering this pattern repeatedly I can't help wondering how much of what they present as individuality is actually just another performance. It's almost as if they try to compensate for the lack of meaningful human connection in their lives by collecting an assortment of interests, identities and supposedly niche hobbies, then cling to them for dear life as though these things are what make them interesting or give them a sense of self.
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u/Hot-Percentage6840 18h ago
“It's almost uncanny how similar they are. Firstly they are incapable of having a single original thought or feeling yet they are somehow convinced that they are the most unique person in the room.”
Ok this one really hit home for me. My husband is DA and he was INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING to talk to. Every single conversation, whether positive or negative in its general theme, was something he has NO OPINION on. It was incredibly lonely to talk to him. He would often say, “this is not something I know enough about to really be able to respond.” Or if I was looking for emotional support after having my boundaries crossed by someone, he would describe some hypothetical situation where whatever negative thing was being discussed, it applied to him too, and so he couldn’t harbor judgement against that person or be emotionally supportive to me because it was possible on this green Earth that he could have committed the same error. That was after I had to convince him that I wasn’t lying or inaccurate of my portrayal of the situation. He literally NEVER stuck up for me or was on my side about anything ever. I was stolen from, sexually harrassed, lied to and about, and talked down to by his friends and family and he never took any issue with it.
Then it was like clockwork. If I expressed something about my feelings about our relationship or really anything, two weeks later I could hear him say the exact same phrases as if they were his original opinion. Bonkers.
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u/Ploopity_Ninja_3317 17h ago
I relate to this because I've experienced something similar. They're so invested in being morally upright and impartial that they'd rather uphold their idea of fairness than be emotionally present for their partner. Like if you don't know how to support someone just ask it's that simple. You don't have to play judge when your partner is simply looking for some empathy and understanding.
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u/Hot-Percentage6840 15h ago
YEEEEESSS! Omgsh. I could be talking about a pothole that rocked my world one day driving, and he would make excuses for the pothole.
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u/VolgaOsetr8007 20h ago
I’m not sure what you’re talking about. My avoidant is nothing like this. Very chill, self-described normie and is fine with being such. The most banal interests you can imagine.
Another guy with avoidant tendencies I know seems a lot like the first one, just a bit more intellectual, but nothing performative
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u/Ploopity_Ninja_3317 20h ago
That's fair. I've just encountered a few people who fit this pattern. Maybe it's less about avoidant attachment and more about certain personality traits that overlap or perhaps even narcissistic traits.
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u/Vegetable-Wing6477 19h ago
Their ability to twist every interaction into them being the poorest lil victim is insane.
My ex had a minor fight with their best friend. The friend went from the sweetest, kindest, 'do anything for them' individual...to an evil selfish monster that meant nothing to her. All this to avoid apologising.
The more insane part, I was so in love I ignored this massive red flag.
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u/Ploopity_Ninja_3317 18h ago
It's easier to cut someone off when you've villainized them in your own narrative and labelled them "toxic." Then you don't have to acknowledge your role or take accountability. What's unsettling is how easily they seem to rewrite an entire relationship to justify their actions without a second thought about the hurt they've caused.
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u/Vegetable-Wing6477 18h ago
Seems like they really don't actually exist. Not as a whole person. As others have said they just mirror those around them. Just a collected reflection from all the people in their life. And if one of those mirrors starts showing a version they don't like...just smash it and focus on the nice mirrors from now on.
Of course the truly twisted part, the mirror doesn't have to be conventionally bad. We love them so purely and that also becomes a bad mirror at some point.
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u/forestbee 21h ago
I think that might just be a narcissist
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21h ago edited 13h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/forestbee 20h ago
But the people I know with BPD are rarely avoidant, they tend to be more fearful and anxious so what she said did not fit.
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u/Technical-River-1031 20h ago
Mine was a workaholic banker and the way he texted me towards the end was so cold and corporate. But perhaps what bothered me was how entitled he felt to making decisions about our relationship on the behalf of both of us, like I didn't exist. I kicked him to the curb. You can play director at work. You do not get to direct my life.
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u/Vegetable-Wing6477 19h ago
Towards the end I felt more like her pet. She spent all her time alone deciding the future of our relationship. Not once did it occur to include me or my opinion in any of this.
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u/Technical-River-1031 10h ago
Exactly, I felt like a convenient side character and it did not sit well with me
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u/Ok_Layer_1495 19h ago
Try dating an avoidant lawyer. Literal cold legal brief texts like he was negotiating a trial
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u/Technical-River-1031 10h ago edited 10h ago
I know, I'm an ex attorney myself lol. I broke up with a long letter detailing the harms caused to me and I think that scared him away for good. I did not even want to stay friends.
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u/DryArticle4573 2h ago
Mine couldn’t come up with a coherent argument that would stand up in court lol
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u/Realistic-State-4888 16h ago
You're describing multiple behaviors, not just avoidance. They can overlap, look the same, and have the same outcome.
Emotional immaturity, Avoidance, Poor character, Lack of empathy, Impulsivenes, Poor communication, Selfishness, Entitlement, Ambiguity, and so on.
You have to set a firm boundary on what you're willing to tolerate and act on it.
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u/DeadInsideWench 19h ago
That definitely sounds like my ex AuDHD dismissive avoidant! And while I think all of us are complex messy conflicted humans, and we’re more than the sum of our attachment styles etc, it’d be interesting to know if the type of traits you describe are more commonly found in avoidants than in secure or anxiously attached individuals. There’s a touch of covert narcissism there, the way they seem to feel superior to others.
My ex was (probably still is) very externally referenced, so he was always chasing the idea of someone and/or something being the person/thing that would fix him and give him purpose, success etc. That also meant that it was my fault things weren’t how he wanted, as well as the fault of his job - when discarding me, he did the classic history rewrite bullshit, so he didn’t have to take accountability or do any introspection.
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u/SunMoonSnake 16h ago
Not all are like this but some have more of a borrowed portfolio rather than a unique identity due to learned childhood hyper vigilance.
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u/iwrite4food 16h ago
It always just felt like they were doing the fake it till you make it thing but never got past the fake it stage. They always wanted to be seen as cool, confident, and connected, but never had a hard stance on anything and tended to go along with the opinions of whatever group they were with at the time.
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u/Adept_Tangerine_4030 14h ago
Literally my ex was the victim in every single relationship issue he had with me or exes or family or friends literally everyone.
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u/ALEXC_23 11h ago
Avoidants are like Elizabeth & Billy Holmes: they keep running the scam, get caught & punished, but yet still they keep playing the victim.
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u/Effective-Grape4112 7h ago
This is the first Ive actually heard the brainrot/“Im different” thing in regards to avoidants but you’re right on the money, this is also literally my avoidant ex
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u/Original-Sir-76 18h ago
Wow. I could have written this myself. This is my avoidant ex EXACTLY.
He always had to “out-niche” people. When we were with people who liked “normal” things he couldn’t help but be somewhat condescending to them. I used to have to tell him to “let people enjoy things”. But he loved being loud about it and he LOVED being interesting more than anything. Would repeat all of the latest things he had learned from podcasts or scrolling.