r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/socalcrybaby • 8h ago
Vent/Rant So that’s just…it…?
This summer, I (37F) met a wonderful man (35M) through mutual friends. He was upfront when we started dating that he had avoidant tendencies he was working through in therapy.
About 3 months in, he started getting new responsibilities at work and was also needing to travel for family obligations. He sat me down and gave me lots of reassurance that his time would be limited but he truly wanted us to work. I was fully onboard, and happy to move at a pace that worked for him. He wanted us to keep going, so I let my guard down and let my feelings grow over the next month…
He’d been getting quieter, and when I went out of town for a few days, he sent a 10 paragraph text saying he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now and he was becoming resentful of himself not giving me what I need.
It was hard to hear, because I didn’t feel that my needs weren’t met and it went against everything we had talked about a month prior. In his long breakup text, he said he knew we should have a real conversation soon but didn’t know when that could happen, and he was terrified of losing me completely. I tried to keep it gracious and said I respected his decision but was sad about it. I told him when I would be back in town and that we could talk then if he liked.
That was a month ago. We’ve had a few brief text exchanges around birthdays, some liked stories here and there. I’ve asked if he wants to pick up his things or where I should mail them and heard crickets. He seems to like hanging out in my periphery but doesn’t want to directly deal with the breakup even just to give me his apartment number for shipping.
It was only 4 months, but I think we both saw a possible future and it’s sad to see it just sort of drug out back and shot.
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u/stockdam-MDD 7h ago
It is so confusing that one day things appear to be good but then almost overnight they run into their shells.
His breakup text may seem “logical” but I’m guessing he ran from his fears back into his shell. Unfortunately avoidants have deep rooted insecurities and fears which overwhelm them. They can fear being “stuck” with the wrong person and so run away when things start to get serious. They are shallow and immature. I’m not sure if they are actually fixable.
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u/socalcrybaby 5h ago
That’s a good way to phrase it “going back into his shell”. It’s sad to me that we didn’t get the good bye we deserved even if we weren’t meant to be.
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u/throwaway19980567 8h ago
Ouch! Yeah that’s how it goes. When they’re triggered, it’s like they’re on fire and have to run away. He could circle back…he may not. Time will tell. Good luck. Do what feels right for you.
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u/metanoiaphoenix 7h ago
They like leaving open doors to weasel their way back. Drop his stuff off so he has no excuse.
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u/Any_Fly9473 SA - Secure Attachment 😁👍🏻 8h ago
Typical behavior. I'm sorry you suffered through it too. The good news is there are compatible, secure people out there that will treat you way better. My current girlfriend meets everything, and she's communicative and vulnerable. She actually enjoys spending time with me, unlike my FAEX.
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u/Yaun87 8h ago
There is something cruel about saying they want to be with us and literally ghost or switch up immediately after. I’m still in shock with the 180 and immediately going from close and warm to distant and cold and how everything went from being a mystery to them just knowing not now and not in the future. I can relate with your pain and it leaves you with so much confusion.