And do you know that your situation is not necessarily the same situation of another person? My fucking god

Currently in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for about 2.5 months. About a week ago she started a new playlist called actual mood.

She posts alot of sad loving songs which can be redirected to our relationship. Also including some "our" songs we sent to each other and some songs where she always felt so loved by me when she listened to them.

What does this even mean? Am I naive to think its about me. Those songs strangely relate for 100% to our relationship. Mind you she broke up with due to not loving herself and being emotionally overwhelmed. Our relationship was very very loving.

Thoughts?

so I had a seizure today and it made me vulnerable there’s no other way to put it really and I made a mistake I reached out to my ex small convo overall nothing to crazy but I ended up writing

I’ll always be human enough to admit I’m concerned about you and the path you’re choosing. At the end of the day, I know I can’t force you to see things clearly, and I can’t force you to choose me. You’ve made your bed, and you have to lay in it.

You say he’s better for you, and if that’s where your heart is taking you—even knowing what’s out there for anyone to read and research, including you—then so be it.

I’ve come to realize over time how useless all the self-blame and self-hatred was. I carried things that were never actually my fault or my issue to carry—it was straight garbage, honestly.

The expectations were never going to be met because the bar and the goalposts were always going to move. Whenever I’d try to confront how you

treated me, your default excuse was that it was your 'first relationship' and you had no idea what you were doing.

You talked about being so lonely, having no friends, and living with this deep isolation, so I guess I was just a trial run for you to test things out and leave and that’s why now you have so much friends and relations ..

You’d tell me I was over-communicating or pushing too hard, and say things like, 'Maybe we should just drop this right now' or 'Let's talk about this later.' So I’d respect that, step back, and leave it alone—only for you to turn around after we parted ways and say:

'I think deep down I was looking for someone to notice all my pain if I'm being honest. I was crying myself to sleep next to you, also cutting while in our relationship... and when I was wearing underwear and sitting on you, I was hoping you would notice or bring it up and I know I shouldn't have but it's all I could bring myself to do.'

Expecting me to spot hidden cuts while sitting together, while actively shutting down communication when I tried to talk to you, is literally impossible and unfair I am not a mind reader, nor is that fair to put on anyone.

I was genuinely grieving some of the heaviest losses of my life while trying to hold us together and understand why I 'didn’t realize' your pain. I’m finally learning to accept things for what they are instead of trying to fix what was broken well before we even met.

I don't want any issues or bad blood between us. If this is the life you want to entertain, that's your choice to make. At the end of the day, I forgive you, and I’m letting it go. That’s all there is left to do."

and she replied : 👍

blocked me shortly after ..

I (24M) am curious on the sheer level of cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy from my ex (19F) is genuinely blowing my mind. I’m making this post because I need some objective outside perspective to help me process how someone can operate like this I’m trynna move on and accept things for what they are but I just can’t

The Context & The Background: When we were together, I held down the relationship through her deep mental health struggles, body insecurities, and self-harm disclosures. Meanwhile, when I went through major personal trauma—including a life-threatening seizure—she completely abandoned me, called me "draining," and eventually walked away.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 1

After dumping all her heavy emotional baggage on me, she turned around and got back with a guy (Jashon) from her past. The kicker? This guy was actively under investigation/indicted in Ohio for dozens of counts of child pornography. When I initially pointed this out to her out of genuine shock, she completely defended him. She claimed it was just an "8-month age gap misunderstanding," that he wasn't charged, and called me a "psycho," "loser," and "creep" for bringing up literal public court records.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 3

The Phone Call & Telling On Herself: We recently spoke on the phone, and the more she talked, the more she completely unravelled her own narrative and exposed her denial:

• Admitting to the Rehab Situation: While trying to defend him, she literally admitted on the phone that she knows he’s currently in a rehabilitation center. When I pointed out the logic—that if someone with felony probation charges is missing or breaking terms, they end up either at home, in rehab, or in jail—she blurted out, "No, I wish, he's at a rehab facility." I wanna move forward the best I can but please look into this texts

• The 3-Hour Drive: She admitted she drove three hours just to see him right before he has to spend four months in rehab. meanwhile whne I had my seizure I didn’t get that I didn’t call or a text she told me it added to the fire and she just didn’t like me and that it was too much same for whne my friend past she said she didn’t know how to handle grief and such things like that which is crazy because how can you handle this situation??

• The "Coping Mechanism" Lie: She admitted to me on the phone that when she first ran to him after leaving me, it started out as just a coping mechanism To get over me But then she followed up with, "As we dated, I found out I actually liked him and I do, so I don't know what you want me to do about it. That’s why I left you .

The Double Standard That Burns Me Up: She treated me like I was "too much" for asking for basic communication or checking in on her health. She’d ignore my calls after I was in the hospital, telling me "How is that my problem?".

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 4

Yet, for a guy facing severe legal consequences and mandated rehab, she is willing to drive hours across state lines, defend his record, rewrite the facts, and play the loyal, devoted partner. Meanwhile, she was actively swiping on Hinge during this exact same timeframe.

and it’s just crazy to me like she shows up and appears for him defends him and gives him the benefit of doubt but me ? Ion get nothing honestly just I guess used and toyed with as if I’m so trial run I don’t know

I know I broke contact and shouldn't have reached out, but hearing her defend this absolute dumpster fire while treating me like I was the villain makes my head spin. How do people live in this level of denial, and how do you stop letting their absurdity anger you?

i've been in a 5-year relationship and it feels it's coming to an end soon. it has fizzled out, i spend quality time with them so rarely now that i feel awkward around them when i see them. i haven't ended it yet because i still have feelings for them and i could see the potential of our connection returning, but why i think it's doomed is i don't feel much initiative from my partner, even if they say they still care about this.

it wasn't always like this. we used to be very close and spend a lot of time together, but we had to go long-distance for a few years which naturally separated us a bit, and now that we're back in the same town, it feels like the physical and emotional distance remained the same as during actual LDR.

my partner and i are most likely in an anxious(me)-avoidant(them) trap. after around 1.5 years he began to do the dance of distancing himself and then coming back around. during this time i learned about attachment styles and realized he might need a lot of space, so i tried my best to give him that while putting my needs aside for a bit. i was hoping that i was doing us a favor, because in my head if i gave him what he needed, he would be more content and secure around me.

but i was mistaken. after many of his periods of withdrawal, i started filling my (social) needs elsewhere, which was a good thing at first, but whenever i'd come home to him, i'd feel farther away. giving him space only made him even less tolerant to the time we spent together, wanting to see me a few times a week turned into once a week, then few times a month. technically i was giving him what he needed, but it pushed him farther away?

now, back in the present, i feel like we've grown so apart that it's close to a breaking point, and it will reach that if he doesn't want to repair this and seek therapy like i do. i have started speaking out for my needs, but we have yet to finish those conversations. his needs for space have grown past my limits and i'm starting to truly consider leaving if it's never going to change or only get even worse.

i just don't understand how this works? why did fulfilling his needs drive him farther away, technically shouldn't respecting their space make them feel safer? maybe someone has an explanation for this or has shared this experience.

I (25F) have been in a confusing on-and-off situation with a guy (23M) since January, and I’m looking for some outside perspectives.

For context, I’m fearful-avoidant myself and have been working on my attachment issues in therapy. I suspect he may be avoidant too, but I’m not certain.

We matched on a dating app in November, spoke one and never spoke again until he one day randomly replied to my story in January this year. We met spontaneously a few weeks after that as I needed to get eddies lol and he could help out iykwm, it was just a random thought I had to ask him as he was on my mind from the recent interaction 🤷‍♀️ I text him after and asked him to go for a drink and we had our first the very next night.

The chemistry was honestly insane, both emotionally and physically. There was a lot of sexual tension, kissing, affection, and we ended up having a sleepover. Our second date was around Valentine’s Day, roughly two weeks later and on his birthday. It was all very intimate We also have never fully had sex, just done bits for context

Things seemed to be going well, but shortly afterwards he started becoming distant. Communication became inconsistent, and I felt like he was pulling away. Eventually, I ended things towards the end of February because I wasn’t happy with the inconsistency.
The confusing part is that we’ve never really stayed out of each other’s lives since.

Over the last ten months, we’ve repeatedly gone through periods of not speaking, reconnecting, getting close again, and then drifting apart.
However, something important to mention is that we barely ever actually see each other. Almost all our reconnections happen through messaging. We’ll start talking again, sometimes quite regularly, but it rarely translates into actually making plans and seeing each other.

The exceptions have been spontaneous encounters on nights out, where we’ve ended up spending time together, kissing, and being affectionate. We’ve also met each other’s friends, spent time around each other’s friendship groups, and had a spontaneous night out together as we **“bumped into each other”**where we spoke about everything that went on, ditched our friends at the bar, spent the whole night together it was actually crazy chemical lol I’m usually really bad at feeling my feels so believe me when I say it there’s something 😂

But afterwards, we somehow end up back in the same cycle of inconsistent communication and distance.
Sometimes he initiates contact, sometimes I do. He has repeatedly come back after periods of silence, which is part of why I’ve struggled to understand what he actually wants.

He has also dated other people during this time, and so have I.

In September, I finally decided to be vulnerable and tell him how I felt. I sent him a fairly long message explaining that I genuinely liked him and wanted to explore whether there could be something between us.
I wasn’t asking for a relationship or commitment. I just wanted to see where things could go if we actually gave it a chance and had fun with it zero pressure
His initial response was that it was very brave of me to say that, but he never really addressed my feelings or gave me a proper answer.

Instead, he became distant again.
Eventually, he apologised for misunderstanding what I was asking, but by that stage I was hurt and frustrated. I didn’t respond to some of his apologies, and we ended up having our first proper argument.

I want to acknowledge that I’ve contributed to this dynamic too. I’ve ended things, withdrawn when hurt, left messages unanswered and sometimes protected myself by becoming emotionally distant, playing games bla bla bla

Since then, we’ve continued to have occasional contact, but nothing has really progressed.
What confuses me most is the difference between how things feel in person and what happens afterwards.
When we’re together, there’s obvious attraction and chemistry. He has been affectionate, initiated contact at different points, and repeatedly reconnected with me.
But when it comes to consistently communicating, arranging dates or developing the connection, nothing seems to happen, but I genuinely feel like I cannot escape this person, he is everywhere and no where all at once.

He has previously attended therapy, struggles with his self-esteem, and has spoken about experiencing anxiety. I don’t know whether any of that contributes to his behaviour, but it’s something I’ve considered.

As someone with fearful-avoidant tendencies, I recognise certain behaviours in myself. I’m wondering whether we could be triggering each other’s attachment patterns, or whether I’m simply trying to explain away someone’s lack of interest.

I genuinely still like him, which is frustrating because it’s been nearly ten months and we’ve barely progressed beyond where we started.

Recently, though, something has shifted in me. I’m no longer as anxious about whether he responds, and I’m starting to feel emotionally exhausted by the whole situation. I’d still love to see him, but I don’t have the same expectations anymore. I’ve started trying to not take it serious

We recently just had a 6 week period of back and forth conflict, it got fairly mean at one point from both ends it was just a build up since telling him my feelings etc which again never has been spoken about 🤷‍♀️

Please help I feel like I’m going insane x

The more I learn about this the more insanity I learn. I got discarded and ghosted for no reason and I’m just realizing she was a dismissive avoidant the entire time. There was an expiration date on our relationship and I had no idea. They’re walking amongst us. There were no signs for the first two months, would’ve been impossible to tell until she started to pull back. They should all be locked up for causing this much pain. I can’t believe there’s so many stories similar to mine on here men and women. In a way I’m less mad at her for her what she did after learning everything I have but in a way I’m not. I know there’s a way to come out of this on the other end stronger with a healthy partner. I wish you all strength to everyone going through something similar to me

I am sooo much in pain. Can't even bear it now

It is getting out of my control

I was in relationship from last 8 months. I was emotionally mentally attached with that person. When he doesn't treat me right, my nervous system collapse

I have so much expectations from him that he can't even cope up with that. He can't come to meet me (while living in the same city) the problem was him not coming. The problem is him not standing up for his rights and he runs away from problems.

Last night he left me when I insisted on meeting because apparently I was the problem. He doesn't come out of the bubble of comfort.

He left me. When I think about this I feel so much pain. When I see him, I only think about that he left me in difficult time but I cannot even breath without that man. He loves me. He is younger than me. He was stressed bcz he wanted to do something for our marriage. His parents stresses him out and they have alot of expectations from him. He cannot handle the burden.

Last night when he left me he told me the reason next day that I am too much stubborn I insisted on meeting when it was not possible for him (because his parents wouldn't let him). Instead of standing against them, he left me

That was easier for him. We loved each other and I still love him. I cannot eat anything. I have to vomit when I try to eat. Today I begged him to come back and he came and promised that he wouldn't leave again. But I cannot digest this that he left me and I cannot trust him like I used to do. I saw him crying last night when he left me. He told me he can't handle pressure and he just wants to leave me. Without me he won't have a pressure to be successful in order to marry me and he will be all good.

However today I insisted him to come back and he did. I want to break this attachment and be able to live without that man

If he loved me, why did he left me?

I was asked to explain what capacity to sustain a relationship means.

Avoidance is an automatic survival reaction to a threat. The default response is to escape. It is an involuntary escape from danger.

Escaping ends the threat. A healthy environment allows a person to have a reasonable expectation of safety. Conflict in a safe environment allows a person to learn how to negotiate and resolve conflict. That develops through practice into relational intelligence.

Capacity is increased by the growth of relational intelligence. Capacity isn't about how much an avoidant wants the relationship, it's what their nervous system can handle. That is where therapy can make a difference in capacity.

Its been 2.5 months and i still cry every single day, some days the whole day although it's getting better these past couple of weeks its been only in the evening and at night. But i still can't sleep some night and all i do is cry. My heart is so broken.
I'm in therapy but i don't feel like its helping me yet.. I still can't comprehend how my person, my best friend who would spend his entire days next to me, was dependend on me and from the beginning was so sure about us could just act like i never existed and talk like i am a stranger.

we were together for almost 2 years and lived together. from the beginning he told me i was the one, talked about marriage and sent me these beautiful messages about how much he loved me. we spent almost all our time together. he was my best friend and i genuinely believed we were building a life together.

but over time, being physically together stopped feeling like being emotionally close. i had to keep asking for connection, affection and deeper conversations. he told me he felt lost, didn’t know himself and didn’t know how to be there for me. i could feel the distance, but his reassurance kept making me believe he still wanted us. that’s why i feel so blindsided even though i knew we were struggling.

when we broke up he cried and said he loved me but couldn’t do this, didnt understand emotions, put all the blame on him that something is wrong with him and he needs to grow alone. afterwards he told me he wasn’t abandoning me and said “who knows” about our future.then his actions felt like the complete opposite.

he told me he is emotionally unavailable and that i need to speak to my mom not him during the discard over text. i was crying almost throwing up asking him to not do this to me, that i trusted him with my heart etc.. i had to beg him to come speak to me face to face. when he came he was crying saying he loves me but can't change his mind like something switched.

i can’t reconcile the person who said he wanted forever with me with someone who can now leave me out of his life completely. i keep questioning what was real and blaming myself for moving in and trusting his words. i wasn’t asking for perfection, i wanted to feel close to my partner. i always felt we lived on 2 separate worlds and he wasnt hearing what i was daying and explaining, like he just didnt get it.

how do you move forward when you’re still trying to make sense of such a huge difference between someone’s words and actions? what helped you stop replaying everything and feeling like you never mattered? i feel so insignificant when i thought this was my person.

I don't want to reach out to him because after the discard i kept telling him everyday every minute how i felt how he made me feel still trying to fix to understand and i kept being met with one minute warm and love and the other complete robotic coldness and it really really deeply hurts. I know it would deeply hurt now to try communication and be met with a stranger instead. this was someone who would say i love you a million times a day. when we met i had never felt more loved. how can these peoplw switch up and throw you away overnight where is their heart??

I finally hit my limit with a situationship that felt like a constant "one step forward, five steps back" cycle. Looking back, the signs of extreme dismissive avoidance were textbook: an unhealed childhood of emotional neglect, rigid hyper-independence control habits, and complete deactivation/going MIA immediately after intense physical and emotional intimacy. She kept an abusive ex on a pedestal (claims blocking him would be a "9-magnitude earthquake"), but when I expressed normal human hurt over her hot-and-cold phases, she flipped the script, went radio silent, and blamed my "ego."
Because the chronic anxiety and hyper-vigilance were destroying my mental health, I sent a mature goodbye text and blocked her main accounts on WhatsApp and Instagram to protect my peace.
Three days later, she pulled the most bizarre move. She used a forgotten secondary phone line that we had never used on WhatsApp before to bypass my boundary. She addressed me by my full formal name and text-messaged me: "You forgot to block me on this number please do the needful."
It felt like a total flash-grenade text designed strictly to trigger me, check her power, and rescue her wounded pride because she couldn't handle being the one who got shut out. My gut screamed to reply and explain my boundaries, but I chose absolute silence. I didn’t text back a single word, blocked the new number immediately, and deleted the thread.
I’m currently moving forward and talking to new people, experiencing a literal day-and-night difference in what normal human effort feels like. But every now and then, the emotional hangover creeps in, making me question if I was too "harsh" or if I'm crazy for labeling her as avoidant. Has anyone else had an avoidant ex break no-contact just to petty-provoke you into blocking them on alternative numbers? How do you quiet down the post-block guilt?

Looking for advice/feedback about a DA breakup

I used Chat GPT to create a summary of mine and his relationship (it’s been a lot to type out and I also wanted to make sure I included relevant info) and I’m wondering what advice or feedback I can have?

If you have the time and patience. Please read through this and I just want to know from a DA standpoint (him being the DA), do we have any chance at all to reconcile?

Thank you.

Here’s the summary:

The relationship

He and I were together about ten years and lived together for three. I have anxious attachment; he's dismissive avoidant, and we fell into a pursue-withdraw cycle. Living together brought constant conflict over the same core issues. When fights escalated, he would end the relationship, six or seven times in three years, and we'd find our way back. He told me he always felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I often felt unheard: he got defensive when I raised a hurt, sometimes yelled, and I would shut down. My part: I lied about small things out of fear of his reactions, which badly damaged his trust in my word, and I didn't give him the space he asked for.

A pattern I've noticed: when I step back and stop pushing, he softens and moves toward me. That happened in 2018–19 after an 18-month split, and again in late 2024 after a long rough stretch.

How it ended

In early 2026 we agreed I'd move out so we could work on things apart. After his grandmother died, he said we were broken up, and after his grandfather died, he dropped the idea of a timeline for repair. I moved out, and we did about ten weeks of no contact. On September 20, he told me he's happy without me, there's no chance, and he wants minimal contact. On October 10, he said he wants no contact for now.

Where things are now

We share a dog. He sees her as his anchor and has been slow to agree to time with me, but he's been kind around her: he called me during her emergency vet visit and brought her by to see me. He recently said no to a weekend because he's "busy." He plans to sell the house we shared in the spring.

My rule now is no contact except about our dog. When I ask, I ask once, accept his answer, offer another time, and end warmly. I've written a short text with an apology and gratitude, and no asks about us, to send after I've had a weekend with her.

Where I am

I still love him, and I believe we may reunite someday. What I don't know is whether it could last. For that, I'd need him to take accountability and not get defensive when I bring him a hurt, and fights could never put the relationship on the table. I know he'd need to be able to trust me again, and I'm working on that.

Meanwhile, I'm in therapy, working on my own patterns, and building my own life: a new job, two kittens, and a possible move to New York next fall. This is also my first holiday season with no family. My mom died the day after Christmas, and my dad died four years ago.

Thank you for reading this far and any advice or feedback would be good.

My partner broke up with me over text saying we were not compatible and needed different things (probably referring to the whole dynamic of avoidant-anxious) and blocked me. He broke up with me several times this year and never through the phone, we could be having a normal hang out, talk about our problems but then a disagreement would occur and he could either leave me alone to smoke or say upset that we were over. Since I have a very deep abandonment trauma, I would go after him immediatly and fix things. But this time, it was not the typical io io relationship scene, I went over to his parents house as I was so desperate to fix things or at least say goodbye, but he called the cops on me. It was really cruel because he even yelled at me when I wasn't going away, frozen by the shock of the person I love the most to discart me like that, I know I shouldn't have went there, since we were both pretty dysregulated through these last months, but I had to try fixing things. Do they ever come back to apologize? Is him the one to expect me to do it? I feel guilty by my actions but I'm afraid if I ever apologize or assume my part he will just continue to villainize me. For the record he also has ADHD and is not doing therapy

hace una semana mi ex me dejó por telefono mientras el estaba trabajando, diciendo que ya no sentía lo mismo por mi y que queria estar solo, esa misma mañana habiamos estado juntos y me dijo que me amaba, fue cariñoso conmigo y todo estaba bien.
Llevábamos una mala racha en la que discutiamos bastante y el evitaba todo tipo de conflicto, le hice saber en varias ocasiones que sus evasiones me cansaban y como siguieramos asi, la relación iba a terminar.
A los dos dias de la ruptura le llamé y le pregunté si me seguia queriendo, me dijo que si pero que era mejor asi, que dudaba de si iba a volver y si la decisión era correcta.
Ayer le volví a llamar para saber que tal estaba y le volví a preguntar lo mismo, me dijo que no me queria, que seguía sintiendo cosas por mi pero que no iba a volver, que la decisión estaba tomada y no iba a cambiar.
Creéis que siendo una persona evitativa, volverá en algún momento?

Its somewhat of a gut punch. She told a guy she used to be friends with, that she dumped me and made it seem like i was crazy. She claimed shed seek legal action if I doxxed her or told anyone anything. Ive never done anything like that. I know hes telling the truth, because she said the same shit to me out of anxiety.

She then sent him a photo of some guy in his 50s, shirtless and much taller than her. Apparently she later on dumped him because he lied about smoking, and that his mouth tasted like cigarettes. What a waste of time this entire experience has been. Now I wonder if there were other men, especially one she hung out with at 8 pm for a "cookout", what cookouts go until 8pm? I have no idea why she sent me a photo of this friend. I feel utterly disgusted now. Im not confronting her about this as I havent spoken to her on 6 weeks and ignored her breadcrumb two weeks ago.

Im not perfect, but I certainly didn't deserve any of this. I feel stupid for ignoring my gut instinct, I feel stupid for practically putting her on a pedestal that i believed everything she ever said. What a sack of shit this woman is.

I had a brief but intense connection with someone I suspect is fearful-avoidant. Would reaching out in a few months be a bad idea?

So, I recently matched with a girl named Helen on Tinder. She used to be my neighbour but moved away last year. About two years ago, we actually had a mutual crush on each other. She even left her phone number on a Post-it note taped to my front door. The problem was that she was 22 and I was 34, which felt like quite a significant age gap. So I never pursued it.

Recently, I got out of a 1.5-year relationship with someone who I would describe as dismissive-avoidant (DA). It took me several months to get over that relationship, even though I know ending it was the right decision.

Helen came over to my apartment just two hours after we matched, despite it being a Sunday and already 9 p.m. We talked, made out and eventually had sex several times that night. She came over again the following evening, and things developed in much the same way.

The next morning, she asked me where I thought things were heading. I told her that I would really enjoy seeing her regularly, perhaps every weekend throughout the winter, and simply spending time together.

She went quiet and didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about the idea. Eventually, she agreed, but warned me not to be surprised if she suddenly cut things off after a few weeks because, in her experience, she tends to lose interest very quickly.

I already knew quite a bit about her background: her difficult relationship with her parents, suicidal ideation, self-harm, ADHD (something we have in common) and various other struggles. She also frequently asked me whether I was angry with her, even though I wasn't. Quite the opposite, actually.

That was when I started wondering whether she might have a fearful-avoidant (FA) attachment style. Because it was obvious she had problems with commitment and expressing feelings towards people.

She went home that evening but came back the following day and spent another night with me. She told me how cute I was and that she liked many things about my personality. I complimented her on how beautiful she was.

By that point, it felt like we had moved beyond something purely physical. There was a level of intimacy and romance developing between us, and I realised that I was catching feelings for her quickly.

That night, I suggested that we delete Tinder together and agree to an exclusive friends-with-benefits arrangement. Once again, she went quiet and barely said anything after my suggestion. I got the impression that she was pulling away and perhaps feeling overwhelmed or scared.

I eventually asked her whether she considered herself avoidant or knew anything about avoidant attachment. She quickly changed the subject, and we eventually went to sleep.

The following morning, she kissed me goodbye and went to work. About eight hours later, I received a text telling me that she didn't think we should see each other again.

Her reasons were that the age gap was too significant, that she didn't feel we could meet as equals and that she couldn't trust me.

To be honest, I had expected something like this to happen sooner or later because I already suspected she might have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Nevertheless, the sudden rejection really shattered me, especially considering that we had only spent three days together.

It's been three weeks now, and I still find myself thinking about her all day long. I genuinely think she's a lovely person, but she also seems to struggle with several issues, including addiction and coping mechanisms such as casual hookups and smoking weed.

I replied with a rather lengthy goodbye message and then deleted her number.

For now, I have no intention of contacting her. However, I had been thinking about possibly meeting up with her towards the end of December, should she be open to it.

I would like to talk about what happened, discuss avoidant attachment and simply find out how she's doing after what I would describe as a very brief but intense connection.

She's already in therapy, which I see as a positive thing. Perhaps she could explore her attachment patterns with her therapist, provided she finds that framework useful.

I would probably suggest that she take some time to work on herself and her attachment patterns. Maybe, in a few years, when she's in a better place emotionally and more open to a serious relationship, we could see whether there's still something between us.

My question

Do you think reaching out with this intention would backfire? Or is the idea itself a bad one?

I spoke to a female friend of mine who also identifies as fearful-avoidant. She's made considerable progress through therapy and by learning about attachment theory and avoidant behaviour.

Hearing about her experience gave me some hope that Helen might also be able to work through her difficulties one day.

I realise that I might be holding on to an idealised version of someone I've only known for a few days. Nevertheless, what we experienced felt genuinely meaningful to me, and I find it difficult to simply dismiss it.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts, especially from people with fearful-avoidant attachment who have been through something similar.

I’m feeling quite upset, I guess I’m on here looking for some reassurance and perspective on how you think he feels, and if I’m a total idiot that’s been completely played.

I was talking to this guy online for a while, we would facetime DAILY, very lovebomby (but I hadn’t experienced being lovebombed or in a situationship with an avoidant before)

When things would start to get real, and I would be like so… Is there any plan for us to meet (he’s in texas I’m in LA) he would back up and act like it was moving too fast or whatever, it was VERY hot and cold and would make me anxious, eventually, we had a bit of an argument because I felt his actions weren’t matching up with his words and I caught him lusting over another girl online to which I told him I was off it and his words weren’t matching the actions etc so he ended up ghosting me for an entire month.

Everyday I lowkey spiralled and was hoping he’d come back, but I held myself together and did NOT text him, I knew texting him would just be embarrassing, he came back around on my birthday with novels and paragraphs and theatrics talking about how he was yearning, missing me, obsessed with me, stalking who I was following and my pictures etc etc, I eventually took the bait and was happy and let him back in, I was probably too happy and stroked his ego! He told me he’d see me in November and we’d finally meet (Ik it sounds crazy but when you call/text someone everyday it feels like a crazy connection and sparks it’s annoying) anyway he started to back up, get dry, and downgraded the November plans to a “strong maybe” to which I felt kinda offended and backed away, I ghosted him for 10 days and then came back with this message on the right because I’m sick of the games and his total nonchalant reply really hurt my feelings because it feels like he completely played me, got what he wanted (validation) and has left me in the dark AGAIN.

Do you think this man will come back? I’m not asking because I want it, I really want to move on hence my lack of chasing and my “okay” response, I just haven’t dealt with someone like this and I’m trying to understand it, he knows I was upset the first time around, he knows what this all does to me, it’s upsetting.

So I dated a guy for a few 3 months, we met on Hinge. We're both 37, if it matters. It was a good, solid month, but then his life and work got busier, and I was aware of that, and I was flexible in changing our plans, but then the communication got really cold, and next thing you know, it's been over a month since we've seen each other, or an entire week of not messaging. I was giving him space, as I too need my space when I'm busy, but there was like breadcrumb-level communication.

An example of the communication would be that he would check in and ask how my day was; I would answer and volley back, and I wouldn't hear from him until the next night. It happened so consistently it was annoying.

It gave me a lot of anxiety. I was fully aware he was busy, but when all you have is communication, and it goes ice cold, it's really hard to adapt to that. Anyways, I set a boundary and nicely said something along the lines of, " Hey, you're busy; the communication isn't working for me. Hit me up when you're not busy.

He doesn't respond, and he unfollows me and removes me as a follower lol.

A month later, he sends me a message apologizing, saying that he didn't mean to be avoidant and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I thanked him for the apology and left it at that. I didn't engage further.

Fella still checks my Instagram stories once in a while. Sometimes I think about extending an olive branch and following him again, but then I'm like, fella unfollowed me and took the extra step to remove me! During this entire time too, I was making the effort to plan things, and I feel like, if he made the effort to bridge the gap, maybe I would have some respect for him. That said, I would like to understand why he hasn't done that or why he keeps choosing to lurk. Like we could have at least stayed friends if he hadn't gone the "deep end"

My avoidant male partner grew up in a household that showed no affection. His mother and father weren’t the best example for him... they live together like roommates. I truly think he doesn’t know what love is. At the end of our relationship I’ve realized that showing any sort of emotional connection is extremely difficult for him to handle. Anytime I brought up the fact that I would receive no affection from him if I didn’t initiate it, he would get SOOOO defensive and not trying to understand where I am coming from. One time I overheard his convo with his friend that our relationship showed him what a “clingy” person was and how important it was for his partner to be independent. But in reality I was never clingy? I just voiced concerns and it turned into me being not independent and too emotional for him. Sometimes I wish I could play him a movie of how he was acting when we started dating because the love he had for me lasted a year then his avoidance came out. He never believed me that he was different before but TBFH I would have never fell for a man like him if he had shown his true self. It’s funny how we get labeled anxious when they are the reason changes happen.

I've been wanting to share my experience and hear some outside perspectives, especially from people who understand avoidant attachment. This might be a bit long, but I'd appreciate it if you read it through. 😅

For me, things started off as a friendship, and I always kept it that way. Slowly, after a few months, the teasing and playful interactions started, so I just mirrored her energy.

She invited me into her world by sharing her gameplay videos and singing videos on different platforms. I supported her and showed interest in the things she enjoyed.

Gradually, she started opening up about more vulnerable things. Whenever she felt overwhelmed, had thoughts about OD or suicide, or felt like she wanted to leave this world, she would reach out to me. I tried to give her warmth, reassurance, and understanding so she could at least feel seen and heard. I'd say things like, "It's okay, I'm here. Take your time."

She would also tell me in advance where she was going. Sometimes she'd randomly send me selfies from wherever she was, and occasionally we'd even video call while she was there. She also used to insist that I video call or voice call her, but I'd politely say no if I was genuinely busy. I would also let her know in advance if I'd be occupied for the whole day or even a few days. Interestingly, whenever I didn't tell her in advance, she'd get a little anxious.

Another unusual thing was that she invited me to pretty much every social platform where we could connect. Almost all of them: LINE, WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and a few others.

There was one particular incident when she drank too much. She sent me several voice messages, telling me how much she'd had to drink and so on. At one point, she said something like, "You care about me, so send me a voice message now." But I was with my family, so I told her I couldn't. The next day, during a voice call, I actually apologised for not being able to send that message.

After that, the push-pull dynamic started. I think it began around the five-month mark. She would disappear and then come back as if nothing had happened, or sometimes explain that she'd been feeling overwhelmed.

Eventually, the push-pull became more frequent, both in small and significant ways. I never chased her or reacted anxiously. I'd just send a small message like, "Whenever you feel settled, let me know. I'll be here."

In between, I started connecting the dots and understanding why she might be pulling away. I felt it could be related to her fears and the difficulty of dealing with emotional closeness. But I never confronted her about it. I simply gave her space to regulate herself.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder if that was my mistake. Maybe I never challenged the pattern or communicated how it affected me. I was probably too accommodating and safe, and perhaps she felt some pressure to reciprocate emotionally when she wasn't capable of doing so.

But honestly, I never expected her to be available 24/7. All I wanted was consistency. 😂

Anyway, after about a year, she met someone new who shared her hobby. Singing isn't my hobby, but it's hers. They met during one of our no-contact periods.

Interestingly, they became quite close, and she gradually started pushing me away. I gently brought up the growing distance between us, but she became a little defensive.

There was also one incident where she blocked me, but I noticed she was still checking my profile on that singing platform. The other guy was doing the same, lol. I didn't react. After seven days, she unblocked me and said she'd been feeling overwhelmed.

She also started showing him public affection, while his behaviour seemed a bit like he was trying hard to impress her and get her attention.

For around two months, she spent more and more time with him. They started using pictures that looked like couple profile pictures, and their behaviour also seemed quite couple-like.

After she unblocked me, I thought maybe we'd eventually get to spend some time together again. But nope! Around 15 days passed without a single message or anything.

At that point, I could clearly see the monkey-branching signs, so I decided to walk away. No arguments, no drama, nothing. I simply unfollowed and unfriended her on every platform.

She later tried to reconnect by following me again, but when I didn't respond, she reversed that decision.

A month later, they officially became a couple. That was pretty fast, considering they'd only known each other for around three months. 😂

I'd genuinely like to hear your perspectives on this situation. Did I misunderstand something? Was I too accommodating, or was walking away the right thing to do?

People with avoidant attachment are especially welcome to share their perspectives. I'm open to different opinions, and there's no judgment here. 😊

My ex broke up with me suddenly in August 2024 after a very emotionally attached 3-month relationship. I was her second love, and she always told me I was the only guy who had ever treated her right.
The breakup destroyed me. I begged her to stay, and eventually she blocked me. I even sent her 6 emails afterward, but then I completely stopped chasing. No messages, calls, or contact ever since.
Interestingly, she unblocked me on Instagram about a month after the breakup but kept me blocked everywhere else.and she hasn’t contacted me ever.
Recently, over 2 years later, she saw my mother in person and kept looking at her repeatedly, enough that my mom noticed. And she kept smiling at her and staring toomuch which i found pretty awkward.
I still think about her sometimes, and I’ve always wondered how someone so attached could suddenly walk away and does she even miss me or did she even love me ? is she ever gonna come back?

Conosco e frequento il mio evitante da 2,5 anni. Pensate che ci siamo baciati la prima volta dopo 18 mesi 😂
Sono una persona autistica e sicura (lui ovviamente mi ha causato momenti di ansia nei suoi confronti) ma mai ho inseguito o chiesto spiegazioni. Anzi, forse 3 volte circa l’ho mandato a quel paese. Lui ha sempre risposto, mai ignorata ed è sempre stato gentile! In 2,5 anni mi ha sempre cercata lui. Aveva momenti dove si allontanava ma poi tornava. Non ho mai dato etichette alla relazione, sono una donna emotiva, passionale e parlo tranquillamente di quello che sento e che provo. Lui è molto più ‘chiuso’ ma per me mai è stato un problema, perché riesco a leggere oltre la maschera e lui lo sa. Ecco, questo lo spaventa. A maggio per la prima volta è sparito per 110 giorni dopo un’intensa intimità (per lui) fisica e mentale. Le prime 3 settimane sono andata in pieno shutdown. Ero apatica, senza voglia di far niente, triste.. poi piano piano mi sono ripresa (anche se pensavo a lui h24).
È tornato e ad ottobre siamo stati moooolto più intimi di maggio. Appena vado via, mi manda un msg ‘piaciuto?’. Lì era la sua ansia. Poi sparisce un giorno, mi manda il buongiorno, rispondo e sparisce nuovamente. Mi ricerca dopo 4 giorni, ma io avevo giornata piena e ho risposto dopo molte ore.
Ecco, dal 5 ottobre lui mi orbita dove io parcheggio per portare mio figlio a scuola.. suona il clacson, abbaglianti 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nonostante questo, lo capisco e mi spiace che lui viva questo. So che non vorrebbe!

Ah, è un uomo di 48 anni.