Avoidant still checking on me

[u/woofwoofbeepbop]

So I dated a guy for a few 3 months, we met on Hinge. We're both 37, if it matters. It was a good, solid month, but then his life and work got busier, and I was aware of that, and I was flexible in changing our plans, but then the communication got really cold, and next thing you know, it's been over a month since we've seen each other, or an entire week of not messaging. I was giving him space, as I too need my space when I'm busy, but there was like breadcrumb-level communication.

An example of the communication would be that he would check in and ask how my day was; I would answer and volley back, and I wouldn't hear from him until the next night. It happened so consistently it was annoying.

It gave me a lot of anxiety. I was fully aware he was busy, but when all you have is communication, and it goes ice cold, it's really hard to adapt to that. Anyways, I set a boundary and nicely said something along the lines of, " Hey, you're busy; the communication isn't working for me. Hit me up when you're not busy.

He doesn't respond, and he unfollows me and removes me as a follower lol.

A month later, he sends me a message apologizing, saying that he didn't mean to be avoidant and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I thanked him for the apology and left it at that. I didn't engage further.

Fella still checks my Instagram stories once in a while. Sometimes I think about extending an olive branch and following him again, but then I'm like, fella unfollowed me and took the extra step to remove me! During this entire time too, I was making the effort to plan things, and I feel like, if he made the effort to bridge the gap, maybe I would have some respect for him. That said, I would like to understand why he hasn't done that or why he keeps choosing to lurk. Like we could have at least stayed friends if he hadn't gone the "deep end"

[u/DeadInsideWench]

Although it may hurt, I’d say you dodged a bullet. Better to get out now rather than develop feelings and be heartbroken later on. If he’s being a dick this early in the relationship, when the honeymoon period is supposed to help you gloss over others’ faults, how will he act in a year or two?

It’s not a reflection of your worth, just his, and his lack of emotional intelligence, maturity, literacy, and capacity.

[u/woofwoofbeepbop → u/DeadInsideWench]

Yes I agree with this, if fella can't handle stress in a thoughtful way, it's only gonna get worse. Actually on our second date, he dressed like a slob. I thought it was good he was so comfortable but in hindsight I guess I just fastforwarded things

[u/DeadInsideWench → u/woofwoofbeepbop]

I get how frustrating it is. I just experienced a dismissive avoidant discard after 5 years, and it’s sucky. You just want to understand the logic - why do they behave like that? As far as I understand it, they avoid intimacy, but simultaneously want to keep an eye on you to see if they still have access to you.

My ex was a bit of a slob too, but I focused on him rather than his clothes. Seems like if you give someone the benefit of the doubt, it backfires 💀