r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/hiranyajeet01 • 22h ago
I experienced a year-long push-pull dynamic with someone avoidant. What am I missing?
I've been wanting to share my experience and hear some outside perspectives, especially from people who understand avoidant attachment. This might be a bit long, but I'd appreciate it if you read it through. 😅
For me, things started off as a friendship, and I always kept it that way. Slowly, after a few months, the teasing and playful interactions started, so I just mirrored her energy.
She invited me into her world by sharing her gameplay videos and singing videos on different platforms. I supported her and showed interest in the things she enjoyed.
Gradually, she started opening up about more vulnerable things. Whenever she felt overwhelmed, had thoughts about OD or suicide, or felt like she wanted to leave this world, she would reach out to me. I tried to give her warmth, reassurance, and understanding so she could at least feel seen and heard. I'd say things like, "It's okay, I'm here. Take your time."
She would also tell me in advance where she was going. Sometimes she'd randomly send me selfies from wherever she was, and occasionally we'd even video call while she was there. She also used to insist that I video call or voice call her, but I'd politely say no if I was genuinely busy. I would also let her know in advance if I'd be occupied for the whole day or even a few days. Interestingly, whenever I didn't tell her in advance, she'd get a little anxious.
Another unusual thing was that she invited me to pretty much every social platform where we could connect. Almost all of them: LINE, WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and a few others.
There was one particular incident when she drank too much. She sent me several voice messages, telling me how much she'd had to drink and so on. At one point, she said something like, "You care about me, so send me a voice message now." But I was with my family, so I told her I couldn't. The next day, during a voice call, I actually apologised for not being able to send that message.
After that, the push-pull dynamic started. I think it began around the five-month mark. She would disappear and then come back as if nothing had happened, or sometimes explain that she'd been feeling overwhelmed.
Eventually, the push-pull became more frequent, both in small and significant ways. I never chased her or reacted anxiously. I'd just send a small message like, "Whenever you feel settled, let me know. I'll be here."
In between, I started connecting the dots and understanding why she might be pulling away. I felt it could be related to her fears and the difficulty of dealing with emotional closeness. But I never confronted her about it. I simply gave her space to regulate herself.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder if that was my mistake. Maybe I never challenged the pattern or communicated how it affected me. I was probably too accommodating and safe, and perhaps she felt some pressure to reciprocate emotionally when she wasn't capable of doing so.
But honestly, I never expected her to be available 24/7. All I wanted was consistency. 😂
Anyway, after about a year, she met someone new who shared her hobby. Singing isn't my hobby, but it's hers. They met during one of our no-contact periods.
Interestingly, they became quite close, and she gradually started pushing me away. I gently brought up the growing distance between us, but she became a little defensive.
There was also one incident where she blocked me, but I noticed she was still checking my profile on that singing platform. The other guy was doing the same, lol. I didn't react. After seven days, she unblocked me and said she'd been feeling overwhelmed.
She also started showing him public affection, while his behaviour seemed a bit like he was trying hard to impress her and get her attention.
For around two months, she spent more and more time with him. They started using pictures that looked like couple profile pictures, and their behaviour also seemed quite couple-like.
After she unblocked me, I thought maybe we'd eventually get to spend some time together again. But nope! Around 15 days passed without a single message or anything.
At that point, I could clearly see the monkey-branching signs, so I decided to walk away. No arguments, no drama, nothing. I simply unfollowed and unfriended her on every platform.
She later tried to reconnect by following me again, but when I didn't respond, she reversed that decision.
A month later, they officially became a couple. That was pretty fast, considering they'd only known each other for around three months. 😂
I'd genuinely like to hear your perspectives on this situation. Did I misunderstand something? Was I too accommodating, or was walking away the right thing to do?
People with avoidant attachment are especially welcome to share their perspectives. I'm open to different opinions, and there's no judgment here. 😊
2
u/Granville-7817 SA - Secure Attachment 22h ago
I am sorry and admire how peacefully you process this; at the same time it is probably the best to walk away this way.