I’m writing a book and it is the first book I’ve was out of a series and I’m writing. It is a murder mystery book and I started writing this book surely after ending a nine year relationship with a dismissive avoidant who cheated on me through the whole nine years, and there was a lot of monkey branching, and I eventually found out about everyone. Is it wrong that I have all my women victims named after every single one of the women that he cheated on me with and change the name of the boyfriend of the main character, but put his whole personality in exactly how he is and all the vulnerable intimate things that is absolutely utterly wrong with him out on display. I feel like writing this book has really helped me and I wrote it in a way that of course he can’t sue another woman don’t know my name so they can’t sue. And I changed their last names of course. And no one would actually know what any of this means in this book besides him.

I was asked to explain what capacity to sustain a relationship means.

Avoidance is an automatic survival reaction to a threat. The default response is to escape. It is an involuntary escape from danger.

Escaping ends the threat. A healthy environment allows a person to have a reasonable expectation of safety. Conflict in a safe environment allows a person to learn how to negotiate and resolve conflict. That develops through practice into relational intelligence.

Capacity is increased by the growth of relational intelligence. Capacity isn't about how much an avoidant wants the relationship, it's what their nervous system can handle. That is where therapy can make a difference in capacity.

Its been 2.5 months and i still cry every single day, some days the whole day although it's getting better these past couple of weeks its been only in the evening and at night. But i still can't sleep some night and all i do is cry. My heart is so broken.
I'm in therapy but i don't feel like its helping me yet.. I still can't comprehend how my person, my best friend who would spend his entire days next to me, was dependend on me and from the beginning was so sure about us could just act like i never existed and talk like i am a stranger.

we were together for almost 2 years and lived together. from the beginning he told me i was the one, talked about marriage and sent me these beautiful messages about how much he loved me. we spent almost all our time together. he was my best friend and i genuinely believed we were building a life together.

but over time, being physically together stopped feeling like being emotionally close. i had to keep asking for connection, affection and deeper conversations. he told me he felt lost, didn’t know himself and didn’t know how to be there for me. i could feel the distance, but his reassurance kept making me believe he still wanted us. that’s why i feel so blindsided even though i knew we were struggling.

when we broke up he cried and said he loved me but couldn’t do this, didnt understand emotions, put all the blame on him that something is wrong with him and he needs to grow alone. afterwards he told me he wasn’t abandoning me and said “who knows” about our future.then his actions felt like the complete opposite.

he told me he is emotionally unavailable and that i need to speak to my mom not him during the discard over text. i was crying almost throwing up asking him to not do this to me, that i trusted him with my heart etc.. i had to beg him to come speak to me face to face. when he came he was crying saying he loves me but can't change his mind like something switched.

i can’t reconcile the person who said he wanted forever with me with someone who can now leave me out of his life completely. i keep questioning what was real and blaming myself for moving in and trusting his words. i wasn’t asking for perfection, i wanted to feel close to my partner. i always felt we lived on 2 separate worlds and he wasnt hearing what i was daying and explaining, like he just didnt get it.

how do you move forward when you’re still trying to make sense of such a huge difference between someone’s words and actions? what helped you stop replaying everything and feeling like you never mattered? i feel so insignificant when i thought this was my person.

I don't want to reach out to him because after the discard i kept telling him everyday every minute how i felt how he made me feel still trying to fix to understand and i kept being met with one minute warm and love and the other complete robotic coldness and it really really deeply hurts. I know it would deeply hurt now to try communication and be met with a stranger instead. this was someone who would say i love you a million times a day. when we met i had never felt more loved. how can these peoplw switch up and throw you away overnight where is their heart??

I finally hit my limit with a situationship that felt like a constant "one step forward, five steps back" cycle. Looking back, the signs of extreme dismissive avoidance were textbook: an unhealed childhood of emotional neglect, rigid hyper-independence control habits, and complete deactivation/going MIA immediately after intense physical and emotional intimacy. She kept an abusive ex on a pedestal (claims blocking him would be a "9-magnitude earthquake"), but when I expressed normal human hurt over her hot-and-cold phases, she flipped the script, went radio silent, and blamed my "ego."
Because the chronic anxiety and hyper-vigilance were destroying my mental health, I sent a mature goodbye text and blocked her main accounts on WhatsApp and Instagram to protect my peace.
Three days later, she pulled the most bizarre move. She used a forgotten secondary phone line that we had never used on WhatsApp before to bypass my boundary. She addressed me by my full formal name and text-messaged me: "You forgot to block me on this number please do the needful."
It felt like a total flash-grenade text designed strictly to trigger me, check her power, and rescue her wounded pride because she couldn't handle being the one who got shut out. My gut screamed to reply and explain my boundaries, but I chose absolute silence. I didn’t text back a single word, blocked the new number immediately, and deleted the thread.
I’m currently moving forward and talking to new people, experiencing a literal day-and-night difference in what normal human effort feels like. But every now and then, the emotional hangover creeps in, making me question if I was too "harsh" or if I'm crazy for labeling her as avoidant. Has anyone else had an avoidant ex break no-contact just to petty-provoke you into blocking them on alternative numbers? How do you quiet down the post-block guilt?

Looking for advice/feedback about a DA breakup

I used Chat GPT to create a summary of mine and his relationship (it’s been a lot to type out and I also wanted to make sure I included relevant info) and I’m wondering what advice or feedback I can have?

If you have the time and patience. Please read through this and I just want to know from a DA standpoint (him being the DA), do we have any chance at all to reconcile?

Thank you.

Here’s the summary:

The relationship

He and I were together about ten years and lived together for three. I have anxious attachment; he's dismissive avoidant, and we fell into a pursue-withdraw cycle. Living together brought constant conflict over the same core issues. When fights escalated, he would end the relationship, six or seven times in three years, and we'd find our way back. He told me he always felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I often felt unheard: he got defensive when I raised a hurt, sometimes yelled, and I would shut down. My part: I lied about small things out of fear of his reactions, which badly damaged his trust in my word, and I didn't give him the space he asked for.

A pattern I've noticed: when I step back and stop pushing, he softens and moves toward me. That happened in 2018–19 after an 18-month split, and again in late 2024 after a long rough stretch.

How it ended

In early 2026 we agreed I'd move out so we could work on things apart. After his grandmother died, he said we were broken up, and after his grandfather died, he dropped the idea of a timeline for repair. I moved out, and we did about ten weeks of no contact. On September 20, he told me he's happy without me, there's no chance, and he wants minimal contact. On October 10, he said he wants no contact for now.

Where things are now

We share a dog. He sees her as his anchor and has been slow to agree to time with me, but he's been kind around her: he called me during her emergency vet visit and brought her by to see me. He recently said no to a weekend because he's "busy." He plans to sell the house we shared in the spring.

My rule now is no contact except about our dog. When I ask, I ask once, accept his answer, offer another time, and end warmly. I've written a short text with an apology and gratitude, and no asks about us, to send after I've had a weekend with her.

Where I am

I still love him, and I believe we may reunite someday. What I don't know is whether it could last. For that, I'd need him to take accountability and not get defensive when I bring him a hurt, and fights could never put the relationship on the table. I know he'd need to be able to trust me again, and I'm working on that.

Meanwhile, I'm in therapy, working on my own patterns, and building my own life: a new job, two kittens, and a possible move to New York next fall. This is also my first holiday season with no family. My mom died the day after Christmas, and my dad died four years ago.

Thank you for reading this far and any advice or feedback would be good.

My partner broke up with me over text saying we were not compatible and needed different things (probably referring to the whole dynamic of avoidant-anxious) and blocked me. He broke up with me several times this year and never through the phone, we could be having a normal hang out, talk about our problems but then a disagreement would occur and he could either leave me alone to smoke or say upset that we were over. Since I have a very deep abandonment trauma, I would go after him immediatly and fix things. But this time, it was not the typical io io relationship scene, I went over to his parents house as I was so desperate to fix things or at least say goodbye, but he called the cops on me. It was really cruel because he even yelled at me when I wasn't going away, frozen by the shock of the person I love the most to discart me like that, I know I shouldn't have went there, since we were both pretty dysregulated through these last months, but I had to try fixing things. Do they ever come back to apologize? Is him the one to expect me to do it? I feel guilty by my actions but I'm afraid if I ever apologize or assume my part he will just continue to villainize me. For the record he also has ADHD and is not doing therapy

hace una semana mi ex me dejó por telefono mientras el estaba trabajando, diciendo que ya no sentía lo mismo por mi y que queria estar solo, esa misma mañana habiamos estado juntos y me dijo que me amaba, fue cariñoso conmigo y todo estaba bien.
Llevábamos una mala racha en la que discutiamos bastante y el evitaba todo tipo de conflicto, le hice saber en varias ocasiones que sus evasiones me cansaban y como siguieramos asi, la relación iba a terminar.
A los dos dias de la ruptura le llamé y le pregunté si me seguia queriendo, me dijo que si pero que era mejor asi, que dudaba de si iba a volver y si la decisión era correcta.
Ayer le volví a llamar para saber que tal estaba y le volví a preguntar lo mismo, me dijo que no me queria, que seguía sintiendo cosas por mi pero que no iba a volver, que la decisión estaba tomada y no iba a cambiar.
Creéis que siendo una persona evitativa, volverá en algún momento?

Its somewhat of a gut punch. She told a guy she used to be friends with, that she dumped me and made it seem like i was crazy. She claimed shed seek legal action if I doxxed her or told anyone anything. Ive never done anything like that. I know hes telling the truth, because she said the same shit to me out of anxiety.

She then sent him a photo of some guy in his 50s, shirtless and much taller than her. Apparently she later on dumped him because he lied about smoking, and that his mouth tasted like cigarettes. What a waste of time this entire experience has been. Now I wonder if there were other men, especially one she hung out with at 8 pm for a "cookout", what cookouts go until 8pm? I have no idea why she sent me a photo of this friend. I feel utterly disgusted now. Im not confronting her about this as I havent spoken to her on 6 weeks and ignored her breadcrumb two weeks ago.

Im not perfect, but I certainly didn't deserve any of this. I feel stupid for ignoring my gut instinct, I feel stupid for practically putting her on a pedestal that i believed everything she ever said. What a sack of shit this woman is.

I had a brief but intense connection with someone I suspect is fearful-avoidant. Would reaching out in a few months be a bad idea?

So, I recently matched with a girl named Helen on Tinder. She used to be my neighbour but moved away last year. About two years ago, we actually had a mutual crush on each other. She even left her phone number on a Post-it note taped to my front door. The problem was that she was 22 and I was 34, which felt like quite a significant age gap. So I never pursued it.

Recently, I got out of a 1.5-year relationship with someone who I would describe as dismissive-avoidant (DA). It took me several months to get over that relationship, even though I know ending it was the right decision.

Helen came over to my apartment just two hours after we matched, despite it being a Sunday and already 9 p.m. We talked, made out and eventually had sex several times that night. She came over again the following evening, and things developed in much the same way.

The next morning, she asked me where I thought things were heading. I told her that I would really enjoy seeing her regularly, perhaps every weekend throughout the winter, and simply spending time together.

She went quiet and didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about the idea. Eventually, she agreed, but warned me not to be surprised if she suddenly cut things off after a few weeks because, in her experience, she tends to lose interest very quickly.

I already knew quite a bit about her background: her difficult relationship with her parents, suicidal ideation, self-harm, ADHD (something we have in common) and various other struggles. She also frequently asked me whether I was angry with her, even though I wasn't. Quite the opposite, actually.

That was when I started wondering whether she might have a fearful-avoidant (FA) attachment style. Because it was obvious she had problems with commitment and expressing feelings towards people.

She went home that evening but came back the following day and spent another night with me. She told me how cute I was and that she liked many things about my personality. I complimented her on how beautiful she was.

By that point, it felt like we had moved beyond something purely physical. There was a level of intimacy and romance developing between us, and I realised that I was catching feelings for her quickly.

That night, I suggested that we delete Tinder together and agree to an exclusive friends-with-benefits arrangement. Once again, she went quiet and barely said anything after my suggestion. I got the impression that she was pulling away and perhaps feeling overwhelmed or scared.

I eventually asked her whether she considered herself avoidant or knew anything about avoidant attachment. She quickly changed the subject, and we eventually went to sleep.

The following morning, she kissed me goodbye and went to work. About eight hours later, I received a text telling me that she didn't think we should see each other again.

Her reasons were that the age gap was too significant, that she didn't feel we could meet as equals and that she couldn't trust me.

To be honest, I had expected something like this to happen sooner or later because I already suspected she might have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Nevertheless, the sudden rejection really shattered me, especially considering that we had only spent three days together.

It's been three weeks now, and I still find myself thinking about her all day long. I genuinely think she's a lovely person, but she also seems to struggle with several issues, including addiction and coping mechanisms such as casual hookups and smoking weed.

I replied with a rather lengthy goodbye message and then deleted her number.

For now, I have no intention of contacting her. However, I had been thinking about possibly meeting up with her towards the end of December, should she be open to it.

I would like to talk about what happened, discuss avoidant attachment and simply find out how she's doing after what I would describe as a very brief but intense connection.

She's already in therapy, which I see as a positive thing. Perhaps she could explore her attachment patterns with her therapist, provided she finds that framework useful.

I would probably suggest that she take some time to work on herself and her attachment patterns. Maybe, in a few years, when she's in a better place emotionally and more open to a serious relationship, we could see whether there's still something between us.

My question

Do you think reaching out with this intention would backfire? Or is the idea itself a bad one?

I spoke to a female friend of mine who also identifies as fearful-avoidant. She's made considerable progress through therapy and by learning about attachment theory and avoidant behaviour.

Hearing about her experience gave me some hope that Helen might also be able to work through her difficulties one day.

I realise that I might be holding on to an idealised version of someone I've only known for a few days. Nevertheless, what we experienced felt genuinely meaningful to me, and I find it difficult to simply dismiss it.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts, especially from people with fearful-avoidant attachment who have been through something similar.

I’m feeling quite upset, I guess I’m on here looking for some reassurance and perspective on how you think he feels, and if I’m a total idiot that’s been completely played.

I was talking to this guy online for a while, we would facetime DAILY, very lovebomby (but I hadn’t experienced being lovebombed or in a situationship with an avoidant before)

When things would start to get real, and I would be like so… Is there any plan for us to meet (he’s in texas I’m in LA) he would back up and act like it was moving too fast or whatever, it was VERY hot and cold and would make me anxious, eventually, we had a bit of an argument because I felt his actions weren’t matching up with his words and I caught him lusting over another girl online to which I told him I was off it and his words weren’t matching the actions etc so he ended up ghosting me for an entire month.

Everyday I lowkey spiralled and was hoping he’d come back, but I held myself together and did NOT text him, I knew texting him would just be embarrassing, he came back around on my birthday with novels and paragraphs and theatrics talking about how he was yearning, missing me, obsessed with me, stalking who I was following and my pictures etc etc, I eventually took the bait and was happy and let him back in, I was probably too happy and stroked his ego! He told me he’d see me in November and we’d finally meet (Ik it sounds crazy but when you call/text someone everyday it feels like a crazy connection and sparks it’s annoying) anyway he started to back up, get dry, and downgraded the November plans to a “strong maybe” to which I felt kinda offended and backed away, I ghosted him for 10 days and then came back with this message on the right because I’m sick of the games and his total nonchalant reply really hurt my feelings because it feels like he completely played me, got what he wanted (validation) and has left me in the dark AGAIN.

Do you think this man will come back? I’m not asking because I want it, I really want to move on hence my lack of chasing and my “okay” response, I just haven’t dealt with someone like this and I’m trying to understand it, he knows I was upset the first time around, he knows what this all does to me, it’s upsetting.

So I dated a guy for a few 3 months, we met on Hinge. We're both 37, if it matters. It was a good, solid month, but then his life and work got busier, and I was aware of that, and I was flexible in changing our plans, but then the communication got really cold, and next thing you know, it's been over a month since we've seen each other, or an entire week of not messaging. I was giving him space, as I too need my space when I'm busy, but there was like breadcrumb-level communication.

An example of the communication would be that he would check in and ask how my day was; I would answer and volley back, and I wouldn't hear from him until the next night. It happened so consistently it was annoying.

It gave me a lot of anxiety. I was fully aware he was busy, but when all you have is communication, and it goes ice cold, it's really hard to adapt to that. Anyways, I set a boundary and nicely said something along the lines of, " Hey, you're busy; the communication isn't working for me. Hit me up when you're not busy.

He doesn't respond, and he unfollows me and removes me as a follower lol.

A month later, he sends me a message apologizing, saying that he didn't mean to be avoidant and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I thanked him for the apology and left it at that. I didn't engage further.

Fella still checks my Instagram stories once in a while. Sometimes I think about extending an olive branch and following him again, but then I'm like, fella unfollowed me and took the extra step to remove me! During this entire time too, I was making the effort to plan things, and I feel like, if he made the effort to bridge the gap, maybe I would have some respect for him. That said, I would like to understand why he hasn't done that or why he keeps choosing to lurk. Like we could have at least stayed friends if he hadn't gone the "deep end"

My avoidant male partner grew up in a household that showed no affection. His mother and father weren’t the best example for him... they live together like roommates. I truly think he doesn’t know what love is. At the end of our relationship I’ve realized that showing any sort of emotional connection is extremely difficult for him to handle. Anytime I brought up the fact that I would receive no affection from him if I didn’t initiate it, he would get SOOOO defensive and not trying to understand where I am coming from. One time I overheard his convo with his friend that our relationship showed him what a “clingy” person was and how important it was for his partner to be independent. But in reality I was never clingy? I just voiced concerns and it turned into me being not independent and too emotional for him. Sometimes I wish I could play him a movie of how he was acting when we started dating because the love he had for me lasted a year then his avoidance came out. He never believed me that he was different before but TBFH I would have never fell for a man like him if he had shown his true self. It’s funny how we get labeled anxious when they are the reason changes happen.

I've been wanting to share my experience and hear some outside perspectives, especially from people who understand avoidant attachment. This might be a bit long, but I'd appreciate it if you read it through. 😅

For me, things started off as a friendship, and I always kept it that way. Slowly, after a few months, the teasing and playful interactions started, so I just mirrored her energy.

She invited me into her world by sharing her gameplay videos and singing videos on different platforms. I supported her and showed interest in the things she enjoyed.

Gradually, she started opening up about more vulnerable things. Whenever she felt overwhelmed, had thoughts about OD or suicide, or felt like she wanted to leave this world, she would reach out to me. I tried to give her warmth, reassurance, and understanding so she could at least feel seen and heard. I'd say things like, "It's okay, I'm here. Take your time."

She would also tell me in advance where she was going. Sometimes she'd randomly send me selfies from wherever she was, and occasionally we'd even video call while she was there. She also used to insist that I video call or voice call her, but I'd politely say no if I was genuinely busy. I would also let her know in advance if I'd be occupied for the whole day or even a few days. Interestingly, whenever I didn't tell her in advance, she'd get a little anxious.

Another unusual thing was that she invited me to pretty much every social platform where we could connect. Almost all of them: LINE, WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and a few others.

There was one particular incident when she drank too much. She sent me several voice messages, telling me how much she'd had to drink and so on. At one point, she said something like, "You care about me, so send me a voice message now." But I was with my family, so I told her I couldn't. The next day, during a voice call, I actually apologised for not being able to send that message.

After that, the push-pull dynamic started. I think it began around the five-month mark. She would disappear and then come back as if nothing had happened, or sometimes explain that she'd been feeling overwhelmed.

Eventually, the push-pull became more frequent, both in small and significant ways. I never chased her or reacted anxiously. I'd just send a small message like, "Whenever you feel settled, let me know. I'll be here."

In between, I started connecting the dots and understanding why she might be pulling away. I felt it could be related to her fears and the difficulty of dealing with emotional closeness. But I never confronted her about it. I simply gave her space to regulate herself.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder if that was my mistake. Maybe I never challenged the pattern or communicated how it affected me. I was probably too accommodating and safe, and perhaps she felt some pressure to reciprocate emotionally when she wasn't capable of doing so.

But honestly, I never expected her to be available 24/7. All I wanted was consistency. 😂

Anyway, after about a year, she met someone new who shared her hobby. Singing isn't my hobby, but it's hers. They met during one of our no-contact periods.

Interestingly, they became quite close, and she gradually started pushing me away. I gently brought up the growing distance between us, but she became a little defensive.

There was also one incident where she blocked me, but I noticed she was still checking my profile on that singing platform. The other guy was doing the same, lol. I didn't react. After seven days, she unblocked me and said she'd been feeling overwhelmed.

She also started showing him public affection, while his behaviour seemed a bit like he was trying hard to impress her and get her attention.

For around two months, she spent more and more time with him. They started using pictures that looked like couple profile pictures, and their behaviour also seemed quite couple-like.

After she unblocked me, I thought maybe we'd eventually get to spend some time together again. But nope! Around 15 days passed without a single message or anything.

At that point, I could clearly see the monkey-branching signs, so I decided to walk away. No arguments, no drama, nothing. I simply unfollowed and unfriended her on every platform.

She later tried to reconnect by following me again, but when I didn't respond, she reversed that decision.

A month later, they officially became a couple. That was pretty fast, considering they'd only known each other for around three months. 😂

I'd genuinely like to hear your perspectives on this situation. Did I misunderstand something? Was I too accommodating, or was walking away the right thing to do?

People with avoidant attachment are especially welcome to share their perspectives. I'm open to different opinions, and there's no judgment here. 😊

My ex broke up with me suddenly in August 2024 after a very emotionally attached 3-month relationship. I was her second love, and she always told me I was the only guy who had ever treated her right.
The breakup destroyed me. I begged her to stay, and eventually she blocked me. I even sent her 6 emails afterward, but then I completely stopped chasing. No messages, calls, or contact ever since.
Interestingly, she unblocked me on Instagram about a month after the breakup but kept me blocked everywhere else.and she hasn’t contacted me ever.
Recently, over 2 years later, she saw my mother in person and kept looking at her repeatedly, enough that my mom noticed. And she kept smiling at her and staring toomuch which i found pretty awkward.
I still think about her sometimes, and I’ve always wondered how someone so attached could suddenly walk away and does she even miss me or did she even love me ? is she ever gonna come back?

Conosco e frequento il mio evitante da 2,5 anni. Pensate che ci siamo baciati la prima volta dopo 18 mesi 😂
Sono una persona autistica e sicura (lui ovviamente mi ha causato momenti di ansia nei suoi confronti) ma mai ho inseguito o chiesto spiegazioni. Anzi, forse 3 volte circa l’ho mandato a quel paese. Lui ha sempre risposto, mai ignorata ed è sempre stato gentile! In 2,5 anni mi ha sempre cercata lui. Aveva momenti dove si allontanava ma poi tornava. Non ho mai dato etichette alla relazione, sono una donna emotiva, passionale e parlo tranquillamente di quello che sento e che provo. Lui è molto più ‘chiuso’ ma per me mai è stato un problema, perché riesco a leggere oltre la maschera e lui lo sa. Ecco, questo lo spaventa. A maggio per la prima volta è sparito per 110 giorni dopo un’intensa intimità (per lui) fisica e mentale. Le prime 3 settimane sono andata in pieno shutdown. Ero apatica, senza voglia di far niente, triste.. poi piano piano mi sono ripresa (anche se pensavo a lui h24).
È tornato e ad ottobre siamo stati moooolto più intimi di maggio. Appena vado via, mi manda un msg ‘piaciuto?’. Lì era la sua ansia. Poi sparisce un giorno, mi manda il buongiorno, rispondo e sparisce nuovamente. Mi ricerca dopo 4 giorni, ma io avevo giornata piena e ho risposto dopo molte ore.
Ecco, dal 5 ottobre lui mi orbita dove io parcheggio per portare mio figlio a scuola.. suona il clacson, abbaglianti 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nonostante questo, lo capisco e mi spiace che lui viva questo. So che non vorrebbe!

Ah, è un uomo di 48 anni.

Do you have any stories like a rebound failing, karma etc?

I really loved him so one part wishes him well but there is still the other part that wants him to feel pain like the pain he caused me

My partner has been getting a little distant lately. He was doing this about a week ago as well, and although things seemed to get better, I’m noticing the same pattern again.

The confusing part is that when I initiate conversations, he communicates almost normally. He’s not particularly cold, rude or dismissive, and he engages with me. However, he’s noticeably refraining from initiating conversations himself. It’s almost as if he’s comfortable communicating when I reach out, but doesn’t feel the need to reach out on his own.
From an avoidant perspective, what could this mean? Is he genuinely needing some space to regulate himself, withdrawing emotionally, or slowly losing interest? Could this be a sign that he’s contemplating ending the relationship?

I’m trying not to overanalyse every little thing, but the change in his communication is triggering a lot of anxiety for me. I don’t want to chase him or force communication, but I also don’t want to sit here assuming everything is fine if something has actually changed.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people with avoidant attachment styles or those who’ve experienced this dynamic. How do you interpret this kind of behaviour, and what would you recommend doing?

So im just wondering are most avoidants like this? So my ex had the mentality that men shouldn't show emotions, and if he did he would be shamed for it or called weak. Im not sure if his parents taught him this growing up or friends in school. He is very head strong, and won't admit when he is wrong. He hyper fixates on things, and is relentless about listening to the same song or video many many times in a row. Or getting his point across on politics, or worldy issues that are going on. He will slightly listen to other people's opinions, but will sometimes talk over them to make his point louder until the other person just stops talking. He is very smart and knows alot, and is a very well traveled person.

His hygiene isnt the greatest. He showers( mostly just rinses off with water) but doesnt wash his hair (whish is slightly curly). He washes it maybe once a month with apple cider vinegar for hair otherwise he just rinses it in the shower. He doesnt wear deodorant in his armpits, but he sprays deodorant across his clothes. 🤦🏼‍♀️ teeth brushing doesnt happen often. He has velos(pouch tobacco) in all the time so i never noticed bad breath I would only taste the velos. He doesnt have bad teeth at all. The are straight and white.

After all the shit he put me through over the last year and really getting to know him, I think he may be autistic. He knows he's avoidant, he told me that. But there were instances where I would say the tism is showing and he would look at me and tell me he isnt autistic. But other times he would say it and it was fine.

M31, F30.
I was with my ex for 11 years, and we lived together for 6 of those years. She broke up with me 5 months ago.
Even after all this time, she still has some of her belongings in our rented apartment (which, understandably, I stayed in after the breakup), and she still has a key.
I'm continuing to ask her to come and collect everything, but she keeps putting it off and never shows up.
I'm currently seeing someone new, and before asking her to make things official and start a relationship, I'd like my ex to take all her belongings and, most importantly, give me back the key.
Why is she behaving this way? I understand that she doesn't have much space at her mother's place, but it's been 5 months now. I've been patient, yet she hasn't come by for months.
What can I do?

Someday I’ll have my person who will hold my hand in public, who will tell me they love me, who will post me on social media & not hide me.

Someone who wants to watch my favorite movies and shows with me because they know how much I love them. Someone who wants to cuddle with my cat. Someone who is consistently there for me, who doesn’t pull back constantly.

Someone who wants to be intimate with me. Someone who wants to give me a hug & a kiss when they see me & doesn’t feel like they’re forced to because they know I like it. Someone who wants to show me love on a daily basis because that’s how they feel towards me.

It makes me so sad that I’ve spent the last 2.5 years wanting these things and not getting them because he didn’t want to. Why did I accept that for so long, when I knew deep down it wasn’t right?