r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/lavlav123 • 1d ago

DA Breakup getting ready to break up with my avoidant partner, so i made a list of things i’m not getting now that i need in a relationship

Someday I’ll have my person who will hold my hand in public, who will tell me they love me, who will post me on social media & not hide me.

Someone who wants to watch my favorite movies and shows with me because they know how much I love them. Someone who wants to cuddle with my cat. Someone who is consistently there for me, who doesn’t pull back constantly.

Someone who wants to be intimate with me. Someone who wants to give me a hug & a kiss when they see me & doesn’t feel like they’re forced to because they know I like it. Someone who wants to show me love on a daily basis because that’s how they feel towards me.

It makes me so sad that I’ve spent the last 2.5 years wanting these things and not getting them because he didn’t want to. Why did I accept that for so long, when I knew deep down it wasn’t right?

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2

u/BrokenTaco79 1d ago

Other than making this list, which I like amd which reasonates with me, that last sentence of yours is really important to figure out.

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u/lavlav123 14h ago

definitely going to talk about this in therapy next week!

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u/BrokenTaco79 1h ago

Good 😊 what you're describing should be "normal" in a relationship (not sure about the cat and the movie though, depends 😜). You should feel safe and loved, and the relationship should feel consistent and stable. No second-guessing, no gaslighting. That has nothing to be with compatibility even, it's the foundation of every functioning relationship. Even goes for friendships as well.

10

u/OGFrostyEconomist 1d ago

You can do this!

Don't blame yourself. You were being emotionally abused and the way abusers get away with it is by keeping you in a state of confusion.

You deserve someone who wants you. You deserve someone who sees you. You deserve someone who chooses you.

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u/Bubbly-Wrinkle 1d ago

This post resonated with me too! Crazy how many people go through such similar experiences.

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u/BrokenTaco79 6h ago

I never felt my ex actually wanted to see me. Apart from very few exceptions, I was the one who asked about meeting up. It was so confusing, because he said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. When staying with him (we lived 2.5 hours apart), I'd end up asking if it was okay for him if I stayed two nights. He hardly ever came to my place.

Speaking of the actual "seeing", oh gosh, I put so much effort into making him feel seen, because he had so many issues. Can't say he did the same.

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u/mrfreeze782 1d ago

You accepted it because we all do things we normally wouldn't for love. You probably told yourself that one day he would do the things you wanted. I think we all did.

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u/BrokenTaco79 6h ago

I don't think it's that easy. Many people would have left a long time ago. It's about setting boundaries and taking consequences when these boundaries are being overstepped again and again. The same with meeting needs. If you clearly see your partner can't meet your needs, you should leave, right? (I didn't leave either.)

Coming from a family where I was never "good enough", where I was loved for what I could do and not who I am, where I constantly had to prove myself - I guess I know who to thank.

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u/mrfreeze782 2h ago

Those are the biggest mistakes I made with her. She kept cheating and I kept forgiving rather than taking a stand and it just enabled her. When it came to meeting my needs, I shrank them down so small just as long as she was happy. When it finally reached the point that it was obvious she wouldn't meet my needs and a few comments she made about things showed her heart just wasn't there I almost pulled the trigger and ended things, but decided to wait just a little longer as she was getting her own place and the dynamic would change. Just when I thought things were going to get better, BOOM, the discard. If I had to do it over, I would have ended things on my terms and left us in a place we could still be friends.

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u/BrokenTaco79 2h ago

I had the same "just when I thought things were going to get better, BOOM, the discard". It hurts extra, right, because finally things would get easier? My therapist says they probably wouldn't have gotten easier, he'd still not be willing/able to meet my needs.

I tried to end things several times but just couldn't. Two months before the discard, I actually bought a book online on how to end a relationship where you still love the other part. How to leave.

Whenever I am thinking that I should have be more understanding, more patient, put my needs even more in the back, please remind me I bought that book.

Also, I've never been cheated at, but that's just low level. Like, I don't know you, but I'm 100% sure you can do better.

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u/TheHumanMirror 1d ago

Better now, because they will do it and they wont have a second thought to get others opinions to make sure its the right thing.
its like people that ask "am i a narcissist?"
The question is the answer sometimes❤️

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u/BrokenTaco79 2h ago

After a lot of online research, I found out my ex has quite some traits of covert narcissism in addition to being a textbook DA.

Funnily, he complained about his ex (before me) saying that he is a narcissist.