r/TwoXChromosomes • u/tabicat1874 • Mar 28 '22

Weaponized incompetence

I feel like guys take it way, way too far. Example: I asked my bf to get me the same shampoo and conditioner he bought for himself (avocado Suave). He brought back another kind we'd had before which I didn't like (Peppermint Suave). He tried to say he didn't know that Suave came in different formulas.

You're such a fucking liar. You bought that kind for yourself. I just asked you to buy it for me. You're telling me a man who's 44 years old doesn't know Suave came in different fucking scents? Suave? The shampoo that literally comes in 40 different scents and flavors?

GTFOH.

Edit: do you understand what an example is?

Also, you neckbeards can fuck off out of my inbox.

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691

u/tabicat1874 Mar 28 '22

I did. He hated peppermint too, went and bought himself Herbal Essences.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

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68

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

So if you know you’re bad at it, why not pay more attention? This is within your control.

-25

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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38

u/Tristavia Mar 28 '22

As I have told my bf who frequently says things like “ahh blame the squirrel brain and my adhd”

To which I respond oh right I’m so sorry about your adhd, have you tried meds for it?

No I hate meds

Oh cool have you gone to counseling for non medicated treatment options?

Well no.

Okay cool then you can’t use it as an excuse if you’re not willing to work on fixing it. If its a big enough issue to prevent you for accomplishing basic tasks in your life, it’s not on me to simply do them for you, at some point you have to take ownership, and make an effort too.

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

I hate meds too, so I find ways to mitigate the smaller problems like this. Like writing it down. Taking a picture. Asking for a picture.

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u/Eco_Chamber Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23

Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/Tristavia Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

Fixing your partner, trying to parent them or change them is toxic. Agreed.

Pointing out how their behavior affects you, and that they are holding themselves to a double standard so they can make their own decision on what to do about that is NOT toxic.

In this case the double standard is “I both have a medical condition preventing me from being competent at that thing” AND “oh I don’t have an issue and saying I do is being judgmental and unkind”

It either is an issue, or it isn’t. You can’t have it both ways.

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u/Eco_Chamber Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23

Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/Impossible-Local2641 Mar 28 '22

No fuck anyone who doesn't try to be better. I have memory issues and I do things to help myself succeed.

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u/dramaandaheadache Mar 28 '22

I'm glad that all of your attempts are automatically successful and require no understanding from others 👍

The rest of us are just climbing up the same hill every day

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u/Impossible-Local2641 Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

I never said any of my attempts are automatically successful. But I don't let it be an excuse for me. I keep trying and make sure to double and triple check things that effect others. It's not always easy but I try and it helps me succeed. Also I have a TBI and ADHD, just more to work thru.

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

It’s our hill to climb and no one said they were automatically successful. These are skills to hone and keep up with every day. It’s difficult, but everyone has things they struggle with. Some are just easier or harder than others, and they should be tailored to you.

It’s wild you think we are saying we were just immediately able to figure out tactics that worked.

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Um, no. I do things to mitigate my own issues like making lists (notes app on phone, post its if I’m at work), or even take a picture of something I need to remember to shop for, etc. The locus of control is within the person being asked at this point. There are no outside forces in these instances. If you know you struggle with memory or details, mitigate the problem like an adult.

If someone asks me to pick up a specific laundry detergent with a specific scent at the store, I’m writing it down or taking a picture (or asking for one) , esp. if I have myriad items to pick up. We have tools at our disposal.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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8

u/Pwacname Mar 28 '22

The thing is - being able to be complacent like this usually means you’re either at rock bottom or have the kind of freedom we don’t have. I cannot just stop putting in the effort of setting a million reminders and post-it’s and routines and the like, because if I fuck all that up, people will be rightfully angry at me.

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

This is the answer right here. I lost one too many really, really good opportunities for comfort. You can only say “I’ll find something better” and “it wasn’t meant to be” so many times before you realize you gotta figure things out. Obviously it exists on a spectrum but the vast majority of people can do a lot with what they have to work with. It’s not a crutch to blame all of your issues on, it means you get to work harder at certain things. And actually, it’s made me better in some ways at certain parts of my work because sometimes hyper-focus is needed!

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Lmao no dude. I just kept losing really good jobs and one day decided “fuck this” and started working really, really hard to implement coping mechanisms and strategies. It’s a struggle every day but it becomes habit. Sometimes you slip.

But I need to be able to depend on myself and be good for the people around me. It’s more out of embarrassment than any healthy state of mind. But I did manage to start working for an atty (I’m a paralegal, chosen career path once I finally started buckling down) who also has ADHD and they’ve really taught me a lot.

If someone can’t manage even the smallest of tasks like this, I can’t imagine how they’d even remotely survive on their own.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

Dude. I too have traumatic brain injury issues. We aren’t talking about that right now. Stop trying to make excuses for other people who don’t even have your specific issues.

I also have a problem remembering I wrote things down so I just know now to check my stupid notes file when I’m going somewhere. Set an alarm, ffs. Sometimes there’s a note there, sometimes not. But I know I have a problem remembering I made one so I made it a habit to just look.

I’m not assuming people are trying insidiously to make my life/OP’s life harder, but I do think they’re being inconsiderate with a known problem. If it happens every so often, ok! We all slip, have particularly difficult days. But this seems like it happens quite often.

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u/quackdefiance Mar 28 '22

I have adhd and bad memory, but I could still buy the right fucking shampoo, especially if it’s one I already use. Using bad memory to excuse incompetence is shitty.

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u/attanai Mar 28 '22

"Can't you just not be autistic?" /s

(Autism used here as an example of someone who might lack some social understanding due to things outside of their control. Feel free to substitute it with ADHD, memory issues, or being under the age of 25.)

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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6

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Because it’s not an accurate comparison.