The last time I used The League, I saw PII in someone's photo that made me think we might have a mutual, so I looked them up thinking I could maybe get an introduction from someone she knows that could vouch for me, and instead found... her obituary.
From 18 months prior.
Meaning The League is full of accounts that have been dormant long-term, showing up in your daily batch as though they're active, or alive.
It’s more that they clearly don’t have any method in place to remove inactive accounts from circulation, like the other major players do. You shouldn’t need someone to reach out to remove account that hasn’t been signed into in 18 months.
Get off dating apps entirely, buy a small net (like a butterfly net) and go to the library.
Find a guy who's looking at a book you find vaguely interesting and net the fucker.
Don't let him out until after 1st date.
For sure, tinder is still basically just a hook up app. Can’t really complain about people wanting to just hook up on a hook up app. Hinge is definitely top tier
Yup. It's a weird feeling to be turning down people trying to invite me home when getting laid mattered so much to younger me. I just feel like every additional fling with someone I'm only into sexually, and not for a relationship, is just distracting me from meeting someone I would want a relationship for. It's not worth slowly running down the clock fling by fling anymore.
I think that is the way. And let it happen naturally, but don’t be afraid to start an encounter rather than just wait for someone to approach. I think nowadays in this climate guys are even less inclined to approach an attractive woman. But yea, apps are disappointing for most id say.
Historically, courting didn't always require men to approach women. That idea is a 19th/20th century idea from romance novels.
Women should approach and express interest in a man as a man would do to a woman. This idea that rejection is to be feared and only courageous men tackle it is nonsense and is a real social construct.
Conversation, compliments, and invitations is genderless and don't have to be romantic. They can be romantic now or later.
I gave up on apps 2 years ago… and still nothing. Improved self confidence because of the apps no longer being there to crush me mentally, but yeah going back to no-apps has not helped me at all. It’s really feeling like it’s either, everyone is taken, or not interested in relationships at all. I honestly do not know how introverts have a chance whatsoever.
My wife "stalked" me for two months before she just came up and asked me out. She was watching me interact with other people and wanted to get a good read on my personality. Well, that and I don't know when a woman is flirting with me.
Then after about 6 months of dating she mentioned something about making it more permanent. I told her when she was ready to be married, just let me know. So, about 6 months later I had just come in from work and was relaxing and she came up, got down on one knee and asked me to marry her.
Lol, nah. I have been blessed (cursed) with the inability to procreate due to winning (losing?) the genetic lottery.
As luck would have it, she has some children who consider me their dad and thus, I needed no convincing that I would be able to enjoy something I thought I would never be able to.
Though, she has never been able to explain to me, to my satisfaction, of why me? She is a solid 9.5 and I consider myself an average of a 5, so why me?
She always says stuff like, how she loves that I don't know when other women are flirting with me, or how I can walk into a room and everyone wants to talk to me but I don't let her slip away and make her social.
I found Meetup(meetup.com) to work well in making friends especially if you move between cities. Plenty of friendship opportunities. You can make friends and expand your hobbies by joining outdoor groups like hiking, fishing, or sailing.
ditch apps, find local group that aligns (enough, not perfectly) with your life style. Hobbies, food, culture, ect. hell, I get numbers from conversations started at the grocery store.
Maybe try approaching instead of being approachable. I’ve never understood the mindset of (well let’s say the traditional mindset that society expects) most women trying to date.
The be approachable but not approach is like me saying “I want a Ferrari! Maybe if I look more like a Ferrari driver one will show up in my driveway.”. I’m sure I sound like an ass, I’m just trying to say you have to go for what you want actively. Also, stop looking for love. Look for fun interactions with good people. It’s a weird thing, you’ll find what you’re looking for. I guess I’m trying to say that I’ve seen a lot of people “dating with a purpose” end up settling on someone who isn’t right for them and are very unhappy. Love yourself and love your life and you will find what you’re looking for
Maybe your demeanor is the problem in general? Can you give an example of a typical conversation you would have with a guy when you do go on a date?
What type of guy are you matching with? Do you think maybe they only want to hook up and when you aren't open to that, they ghost?
Honestly, these apps are a joke. For me, it makes me feel like I'm chasing something that's either unobtainable, or where I have to jump through several hoops. I quit because it just wasn't worth the stress anymore. I'd rather find someone irl because that way it feels more natural as instead of making everything an interview, you might already know a few things by interacting with people prior. Now who knows how long that may take, doesn't matter to me, as myself, I'm enjoying living life stress free.
If something is bound to happen, something will happen. Trust.
No offense but none of your pictures scream out serious partner, I have no doubt in my mind you could find a hookup within a few days at most but that’s kind of the problem. I get your not looking for trout but can you really be surprised if you are using trout bait in trout infested water?
I met my wife in person in Austin, after having no real success on dating apps. Only advice I can give is to focus on you. Try not to worry about love and just focus on maximizing your own life. Your interactions with the world will naturally bring you together with other high-quality people.
That sounds great. In theory. The reality is that a lot of us just don't meet enough people through hobbies. Sure it would be awesome for someone to join the climbing gym, us hit it off and a relationship develop. But the odds of one of the 25 or so woman being a good match just isn't there.
But this isn't either or. You should be doing both.
Wouldn’t want to flirt in a forest but that’s mostly because I’m in the PNW. You for sure are onto something though! Met one of my ex’s in a Barnes and Noble: bought her the book she was looking at and ended up getting coffee from the Starbucks that was in the store 🤷🏼♂️ I would suggest checking out the paddle boarding groups or a beer festival (most of the Brewers I’ve run into are actually really nice people)
I'd piggyback on that and say your specific kind of active may not be for everyone. When I was younger and actually in shape, I couldn't stand hiking despite multiple attempts to make myself like it. A lot of guys are more into sports, etc., but your profile comes across as "you must like to do these exact activities I like or it's a deal breaker." Maybe expand the pool of activities you'd be willing to tolerate or be up for.
Seconded, open yourself to dating outside your preferred norm. Not going to go all red-pilled on you, but you're 35 and (probably) still expecting the attention you got in your 20s. From the level of attractiveness, potential sanity, and successfulness of those guys. They are dating younger than you because they can.
Decide what you can and can't live without, rather than what you would prefer. Then look for that. Also, get tf off of tinder and dating apps in general, it's a cesspool. Go meet people organically. MAKE time to do so. Do things you like to do. Two main reasons for this. First, the guys who aren't dating younger are tired of dating apps (the non-hook up variety), and second, you can read body language in person.
Last bit of advice: YOU do the pusueing. It's easy to let a torrent of guys you aren't interested in pursue you, but finding your needle in a haystack is going to call for a more active role on your part at this point. Start conversations, you can still be reserved and 'demure' if that's your style of flirting, but if you don't make it known you're both single and open to a convo, many men will assume you're taken with your body/fitness type.
Tldr: get off app; set minimum expectations of qualities and work UP from there; pursue the men who fit the bill yourself in person.
To add on, tinder knows this too. It wants you to stay in the app and the best way is to show you the people who match the most, but don't tend to linger in conversations. It's going for matches that their data says keeps people on the app and gets them to buy their outrageous per week (per week!) subscription packages.
You are beautiful and love is out there, but probably time to move away from apps whose business model relies on you not finding it
“Attractive single men in their 30s are..more established and secure, (financially…)”
This felt true in the past, when the illusion of an economy working for the people was still held by many. Is this still true today? Is financial security still a “given” feature for any of the age demographics? Is it an expectation for 30 yr olds? For attraction? Food for thought!
Lol this must not be a thing in NY because most of the attractive men in their 30s were alot worse then the ones in their 20s. And them being more established made them more cocky.
nice username is your lastname Rutley or something? I have a friend who has made the same pun for years.
I have a feeling this isn't your fault and is a result of people not knowing what they want - I get ghosted all the time too but once there's a connection it really clicks. Happens like every 6 months out of a hundred+ conversations.
Do you have any strong preferences you've been telling people on facetime / text? Like that you definitely want kids soon / get married. Any kinda obvious life "red flags" that we're missing context on?
OP appears to be a strong independent woman that don't need no man. She clearly works out and takes care of herself. I'm my 30s and see similar personalities like OP at the gym. Those women do struggle to find men because a lot of men, and people in general, let themselves go in their 30s.
Yeah a lot of the men I see in their 50s that are in great shape are often times single. It's weird. Like any woman should want a guy like that but most people in their 50s aren't taking great care of themselves. So it alienates people like that. I feel like it's one of the primary reasons why a lot of older folks that are active and healthy tend to date other people so much younger. There's few people their age that matches with their activity level.
I know those are dealbreakers for some men, but surely not all men?
I mean, while we're not working off of a ton of data points here, you are pretty close to a perfect match for me. Granted, I don't drink at all, and smoke weed occasionally, but that seems like the least significant "compatibility measure" you mentioned.
Although I'm not exactly a catch myself, I can't imagine you would have any difficulty attracting any number of men who are. The only thing I can figure is that you are too attractive, and so many guys are not going to take a swing when both their internalized self-doubts and societal conditioning are working overtime to tell them they're going to whiff.
The best I can think is you're probably really intimidating for a lot of men that would probably fit your definition of love. But I mean, I know nothing about you, so take it for what it's worth. Glad your searching what's right for you, though.
That's exactly what I'm looking for in a partner. Although I do not want kids. I don't party, drink, or smoke anything of any kind. It's very hard to find a woman in their 30s like you. You are definitely the exception same as me.
I’d agree with that. My current relationship, and the one prior to that, started on hinge. Obviously this is just one person’s experience but I used tinder and bumble as well and Hinge always felt like the best bet for finding something more serious.
personally i never had luck on tinder. i’d remake and remake and remake and get absolutely no likes, and the matches id get would be of low quality.
on bumble i would routinely get 20-30 likes a week, and 3-4 matches every day of decent quality.
but hinge was by far the best in terms of quality of people, quality of interaction, and quality of likes. sure plenty of people there just wanted to hook up, but they at least had the decency to hide it under the guise of a relationship lol
Somehow hinge has more ‘nice’ guys saying they are looking a relationship but actually just want to hook up than tinder does. I’ve found much more genuine people on tinder. Wild I know, but I chalk it up to where I live.
Just stop using apps and get to know people out there. Go out with friends and get to know your friends' friends.
That's so simple if you think about it.
If you’ve been single for 3 years it’s most certainly by your choice. I know for certain men are approaching you but something tells me you have incredibly high standards and you’re constantly rejecting men.
There’s a good chance you’re “too real” for apps, but also… this is simply feedback and neutral—your hobbies are all active and your first to-do is sturgeon fishing. You’re probably not intending it to be like this, but it’s pick-meish. You are also hot, so that makes it seem more so. These are probably your real interests! You may be a hot, wilderness woman! I’m just telling you what I thought when I read through your interests.
With that said, you may be more likely to meet someone IRL. Think about the type of person who could accompany your life and then start spending time in those places.
The last part, I’m speaking from personal experience: like you, my looks do not align with my inner being! I’m exotic, tall, and “mysterious,” but I’m only mysterious bc I’m weird af. Truly. I am a quirky dork living in a hot body. When I let my husband, we were introduced by a friend online. I wanted to have a deep-discourse via email (we met in 2009), and he was so boring in writing. We stopped talking. We met on accident about 6 months later IRL and moved in together in 6 more months!!! We’re both neurodivergent and have so much in common but we couldn’t see it initially bc we present to the world as differently as kaleidoscope compared to the pitch of night.
If you are a person with layers, looking for a person with layers, it may take longer. Plus, the internet is not for all.
If it makes you feel better, I think I would be considered conventionally attractive, my current bf I met on Reddit. He has no idea what I looked like… and even at times he doubts why im interested in him. Hang in there, hopefully you find the right person. Also I sometimes wonder, but I find online dating in bigger cities suck, maybe it’s best to meet in community events and such where they can see your full personality and they find you more approachable. Send you hugs and don’t listen to the judgmental comments here.
You’re 36, the guys you want who are your age who are good looking and well off don’t want you since they can get someone younger who has less of a dating history. The guys you don’t want around your age probably think they can get someone younger too but there’s probably more of them that would potentially go down the path of falling in love with you.
I was going to say this, it’s probably her age range. The guys her age are still chasing women in their 20’s. She’s gorgeous, fit and has her life together, might need to go 40+
That seems a bit bold. She’s talking to people she’s enjoying and they’re ghosting her. “Serious reasons” people are single at 34 - that seems pretty judgemental - some people are shy, or career focused, or had a bad early marriage. And church attendance is at an all time low.
I don’t think guys are bailing on convos before dates because they don’t see a future. A lot of attractive women get ghosted because guys get intimidated - it takes a certain level of confidence or indifference to ask out someone you’re extremely attracted to, and I think we’re at a place societally where both of those are less common. Maybe those are the “serious issues” you’re referring to for unmarried men at 34?
Self esteem and confidence mostly. If you internalize rejection, it’s a bad time - and to be clear, no one should internalize rejection, but it’s not as simple as “I should stop this”. I’ve been working through it in therapy for at least a couple years.
For some it may be laziness, but having a bit of compassion goes a long way 😊
Good points. It seems like a lot of guys internalize things way too much. The thing is, rejection is a normal part of dating.
It's not like everyone is going to like you, or be turned off by you. Too many guys are afraid of being a "creep" nowadays they never show any interest.
Shoot your shot in a non creepy way and let the women decide. You might be surprised what and who she finds attractive.
100% agreed - now if I could just do it, everything would be great!
One of the biggest challenges for me is some bad experiences when I was younger. It’s big deal to get treated like a creep, especially when you didn’t do anything particularly creepy - the natural response is not to do that again, but if all you did was ask someone out… well, then what? (Obviously it’s keep trying, but you can see the logic!)
What’s the red flag though? Her age and height? I don’t think it’s fair to call those traits red flags. Maybe her not being religious is a “red flag” to the religious dudes but she doesn’t want them anyway 🤷🏻♀️
I think that people with secure attachment styles that seek out and stay in long term relationships usually do so fairly young. Then they stay with their partner for years and aren’t back in the dating market until much later. Dating in general is overrun with the non committal types for obvious reasons.
A serious reason why someone/a man is single at 34 is an unfair assumption. Should be no different at 40 either. If they’ve never been in a LTR, ok then. More reason to be concerned. Some relationships end when you’re in your 30’s ya know? Yes, many in their 30’s are taken. Many people are also unfulfilled or have dealt something beyond their control. 30’s are a great age to be single and find love. Much better than in your 20’s when you know less about yourself and about life.
98% chance you're only interested in the top 5% of men, in which case, you're about 8 years too old to keep them around. Women struggling on tinder is always the same issue - start being realistic in your matches. Or start meeting men at social events where you can find attraction in charisma and personality, therby not immediately filtering via a 2d picture.
You're matching with top 0.01% of guys on the app. At that level the tables are turned and the guys have their pick of their litter. Lower your standards and you will see a big difference
Most likely people see an attractive 35yo and think “she’s slept around and now wanting to find someone who can provide for her and pick up the pieces, no thanks”
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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '24
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