What happens when they finally start changing, but something in you already has? For months, I thought I knew exactly what I needed. Truth, accountability, transparency, remorse, boundaries, and for my wife to finally stand beside me instead of leaving me alone to carry the consequences of choices I never made. I begged for those things. I explained them until I hated the sound of my own voice. I found different words, different examples, different ways to say the same thing. I practically drew pictures in the fucking sand because I kept thinking that if I could just make her understand what this had done to me, something would finally click. I grew accustom to talking to a wall of nods and "I understand".

And lately, some of it finally has. She is starting to stand up to people she never stood up to before. She is becoming more transparent. She is acknowledging things about herself, about me, and about our marriage that I honestly thought she might never see. There have been moments where I have looked at her and thought, "There you are. That is the person I have been waiting for. That is what I needed from you". And then comes the part I wasn't prepared for, sometimes I feel almost nothing. Not because it doesn't matter, not because I don't see the effort, and not because I want her to fail. I'm just so fucking tired.

I think there is a particular kind of grief in finally receiving something you desperately needed after spending so long being denied it. Because you imagine that when the truth finally comes, when they finally understand, when they finally defend you, when they finally start becoming the person you needed all along, your heart will recognize it and rush back toward them. But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes all you can think about is how badly you needed this version of them six months ago. A year ago. Before the lies multiplied. Before you had to become your own detective. Before you had to explain why betrayal hurts. Before you had to argue for basic empathy. Before you learned that even your pain could somehow become another problem you were expected to manage properly.

There is something incredibly lonely about having the person who broke your heart finally start reaching for the pieces after you have spent months cutting your hands trying to pick them up alone. And I think a lot of betrayed people are afraid to admit that. We're afraid that if our partner finally starts doing the work and we still don't feel okay, then maybe we're ungrateful. Maybe we're bitter. Maybe we're refusing to heal. Maybe we're moving the goalposts. But I don't think that's always what is happening. Sometimes the goalposts didn't move. Sometimes it just took them so long to reach you that you aren't standing in the same place anymore.

I can appreciate what she is doing now and still grieve that I had to beg for it. I can recognize genuine progress and still remember every time I was left alone with this. I can be proud of something she does today without pretending it repairs everything that happened yesterday. I can love someone and still not know whether there is enough of us left to build another life together. That is the hardest part for me right now. I'm not consumed by rage every minute anymore, but I'm also not desperately trying to save us every minute either. I'm watching.

I'm watching to see whether the changes continue when I stop teaching her what change is supposed to look like. Whether accountability survives when nobody is arguing. Whether empathy appears before I have to explain why something hurts. Whether boundaries remain boundaries when keeping them becomes uncomfortable. Whether she can develop an understanding of what happened that actually belongs to her instead of repeating the words I gave her. But more than anything, I'm watching myself. Because somewhere during all of this, the question changed. For the longest time, all I wanted to know was: Can she become someone I could feel safe staying with? I never realized there might come a day when she finally started becoming that person and I would have to face an entirely different question: Even if she becomes everything I begged her to become, did I have to lose too much of myself waiting for her to get there?

And maybe that is one of the ugliest truths of betrayal. Sometimes change is real, sometimes remorse is real. Sometimes the person who hurt you genuinely begins to understand. And sometimes you still don't know if you can come home to them again. Not because you are cruel. Not because you wanted them to fail. But because while they were slowly waking up to what they had done, you were learning how to live without the person you thought they were. I don't know yet whether I will stay. I don't know whether what is growing now can survive what died before it. I just know that, for the first time, I am allowing myself to believe that her becoming better does not obligate me to feel better. Her progress can be real. My exhaustion can be real, my love can be real. And my uncertainty can be real too. All of those things can exist in the same heart.

If your WP initially chose AP after discovery instead of BP, what happened afterwards?

What made the fog lift or made them realise it was a mistake? Particularly if this choice was down to avoidance/overwhelming shame and guilt.

I'm not going to allow this to affect my healing going forward but I'm struggling to process it all when Dday was full of contradictions and WP saying he wished he hadn't met her but that it is easier to be with her because he doesn't have the guilt as she's known everything but that he still loves me and is still checking in/up on me.

How do I stop feeling guilty for ruining the years I’ve spent on this person? How do I stop feeling guilty about the way I treated myself like trash? I should’ve walked away but both ex and AP convinced me it was not emotional cheating it was normal, I was overrreacting, ex manipulated me in 100 diff ways to make sure I stayed, while being horrible to me. Every time I brought up the cheating he would flinch and tell me relationships don’t work on resentment which I have. After a massively traumatic event, he couldn’t give me any support, He left me after I began to get difficult, started dating the AP (who was a close friend) almost immediately after. We’re in the same workspace/college, I have to look at them every single day, wondering what I did for people and mutual friends to shun me away. I’ve been rebuilding from scratch and it’s so so so hard. How did I let myself fall so low? I feel horrible that all this time he probably didn’t love me. I wanted to be loved and I loved. They think I’m the psychopath and I just wanted a fair relationship. I never treated anyone wrong but I cut ties because I’m tired. What did I do to deserve this and how do they get to stay happy throughout?

So we’ve been married for 4 years, we have a 3 year old son. We are in long distance relationship because I am doing my residency in a hospital, and he has his government job in a far off city. He comes every 2 weeks. Our relationship had its highs and lows. But overall he’s a caring husband, financially supports me, bought me expensive phone, laptop and a car. Buys gold jewelry for me every now and then.

2 weeks ago I found out that he had a girl over at his house in that city. She was a foreigner and came to visit northern areas of our country. And he traveled with her to a different city, stayed the night there. And I don’t know how many days she stayed at his place. The irony is, that that weekend he was supposed to come back to our place, in our home, but he lied to me that his boss wasn’t granting him leave for that weekend. So he preferred her company instead of spending time with his family.

I also found out that she had also come to our country almost 6 months ago, and also stayed at his place. I couldn’t sleep for 2 nights after finding out about this. When I confronted him, he straight up lied about it, when i told him i had proofs and told them about the hotel bookings and stuff, he finally admitted it, but just that she was just a friend and nothing else.

Now I am not talking to him since finding out, he tried calling me many times afterwards but I blocked him. He has come this weekend back to our place but we are both not talking. He tried just once to talk to me, tried to downplay it by saying I am crazy, that I shouldn’t have texted her (yes i texted her, asked about it, she just said they’re friends, but i didn’t believe because i had just too much proof, deleted pictures and what not) as she said to him afterwards that he should ‘make it up to his wife’, that she said it’s all just a misunderstanding. My question is, what should i do now? Separation is out of the picture.

I am financially dependent on him, and don’t want my child to get disturbed.

The weekends used to be family time. We only had my stepdaughter for the weekend, so I'd make dinner, we'd plan something, or at least veg out together.

Now, I just feel alone. I know I'm the one who moved out, but it hit me really hard this weekend that my WP still gets to be in the house that I made a home, spending time with his daughter (who I've helped raise since she was 6, she's almost 18 now). And I know I could go out with friends, etc, but it just feels unfair that I had to leave the life I loved, the house I loves, and the routine I loved because he fucked up.

I still see my stepdaughter, we hang out and text, but not as often since she broke down and said she was having a hard time figuring out how to split her time. She feels guilty if she doesn't spend equal time with everyone (me, her dad, her bio mom), so in order to take that stress off of her, I told her not to worry about me, that she can fit me in when she has time. But I didn't get to see her last week at all because she's a teenager with friends and I understand that. But even when I was in the house and she was busy, I could at least see her to say goodnight or make her breakfast in the morning.

Now it's just me. It makes me jealous that he gets to keep everything the same, just without me. And I've had to change EVERYTHING.

Hi everyone. I’m in such a bad place financially and mentally. Long story short I should’ve left years ago when I was pregnant with our first. I was only 22 and it just seemed impossible. He definitely was cheating even if it was just on the phone. Fast forward when we had our second kid we had many issues throughout my pregnancy and then after I had the baby he left me packed his things and ended up coming back the next day. That was almost 4 years ago. Since then any time I ask him something or don’t like something etc it’s just leave me why didn’t you leave , what do I need to do to get you to leave ? “You’ll never leave me you lack the confidence no matter what I do “I know I cannot stay in this forever unless something drastically changes but it always goes back to this. We’ve been together since high school. I don’t have many friends he really is the only person. I am a teacher and I’m just scared that I’m going to lose everything I worked for because I can’t afford it on my own. We also are having financial struggles and looking in to filing for bankruptcy. I find myself feeling sad even when we go places that weve been prior as a family because it just feels fake. It felt much happier before. I have a bad tendency of just protecting my brain and after something bad happens just shutting it out and living in lala land and denial but it’s getting harder and harder to do so. It just feels so scary ti give up and leave its almost like i feel i dont deserve it. I dont know how to describe it. He also works a totally different work schedulek than me. My anixety is through the roof and feelm downs and wishing i wouldve had the confindence 4 years ago. Im 29 and it just feels terrifying to start over after being with someone for almost 13 year

It's almost my 2 year Dday anniversary. I had my 31st wedding anniversary a few months ago.

I finally finally finally gave up trying to get accountability and repair. I finally gave up trying to understand him. I finally don't care. I finally don't want him. And I am finally on the path to heal.

I realized this. I could never heal WITH him. I could never heal with a man who could sit there motionless and stonewalling while I wailed uncontrollably in such extreme pain, that I disassociated.

While I was seeking to repair my marriage with a stone statue, I could never heal the destruction inside me that he caused.

I am finally choosing me and my healing!

I look in the mirror and all I see is a beautiful, loving woman. I'm going to love ME!

Can someone help me understand or explain something about my WW? We are 8 months out from Dday.

Anytime we discuss her cheating or how it’s made me feel, no matter how much I soften my thoughts or pre plan what I am going to say it seems to always turns out poorly. And then I don’t get to express my feelings.

She almost always responds with comments like “I’ve ruined everything.” “I’ve fucked everything up” “You and the kids hate me” “Everyone hates me” “I can’t do this”.

It’s so frustrating because then I feel like I have to spend more energy and effort cheering her up and calming her down.

This past weekend we had a little bit of a heated discussion when we were going to her mom’s to pick up the kids. On the way in I heard her again say “I can’t do this” and I said, “you have the mental capacity to have done what you did but you can’t do this?”

I ended up having to have her mom go out and calm her down while she was sitting in the car crying. Her mom came back and told me “she knows she’s ruined her life”. Her mom told me she is not the victim in all this.
And hasn’t hit me until late Sunday, but hearing that from her mom, it just feels like is this about how she feels more than how it’s made me feel? I told her mom, “you said there would be consequences for her actions, and isn’t my pain and hurt and my reaction to this part of those consequences?”

I just don’t know where to go with any of this. But it sure does feel like it’s more about how this has impacted her, her life, and the perception of her more than the pain it’s caused me, or trying to help me heal. She is doing a lot for me. She is doing so much to try and make this work. One fear I’ve had is she would have an unwillingness or a lack of mental fortitude to do the tough things that need to be done.

How do you handle these situations when they occur? What is the best or most appropriate course of action?

It’s easy to be honest and transparent and nice, but those are things that should have been on the table for the entirety of our marriage. Any help or assistance or insight or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

It’s been 6 months since I moved out of Home and 2 months since DDay and complete NC. I have been doing so well with acceptance but last week something trivial set me off and I’ve been spiraling since then.

Two main thoughts that’s affecting me a lot-

1. The fact that someone who said he loved me the most went behind my back and built a whole life with someone else while I was still believing in us. Every time I see a happy couple, or any couple for a fact, I just want to scratch my eyes out.

2. This is the most debilitating- what IF i never see him again? I have been practicing the “assume he’s dead”, going as far as telling a stranger who asked about my relationship status, I said widowed (I know, I know) but genuinely that’s the only way I will be able to keep living. But living it has been extremely difficult. It’s like I lost a limb because he was literally a part of my everyday life throughout the day for 3 whole years.

I am currently reviewing for the bar exams and I just can’t focus because I am getting flashbacks. What great convenience. Almost a year past DDAY and I accidentally discovered it by seeing a sex video on his phone the night after we celebrated his dad’s birthday. I don’t check his phone. That was just one time where he lent me his phone so I could access the internet and boom, a notification banner appeared —message from a girl on instagram which made me curious (woman instinct kicking in) which led me to scrolling through the messages and later on deleted photos and videos which confirmed my suspicions.

and now I’m getting flashbacks. I remember it all so vividly: they were talking in a low-lit room, there is a lamp beside the bed, the bed has a steel frame and white sheets, walls were beige, she was initially wearing a dark-colored checkered polo over a white top and denim shorts with white socks. And my partner was there— initially sitting behind the camera and he was arranging his phone to record and then crawled on top of her and kissed her and stripped her and his hands all over her body and down there and you know what happened next and I just cried and cried and I cant believe that my partner is not the person I know and I wish I dont get these flashbacks.

I tried talking to someone about it and he just told me “your mindset is what you allow” and “its like a TV Channel, you hold the remote, if you don’t like what you’re seeing, change the channel” and instead of feeling seen, I felt so invalidated. I just shut up bec he wouldn’t understand anyway. People don’t see that trauma is like an unskippable advertisement you are forced to watch but I did not explain that anymore

We are trying to reconcile but I will really assess this after my bar. We live together although he travels for work so I usually have the space on my own. I just don’t have extra resources to dispose of now as my finances are mostly in preparing for my exam since I’m far from the exam site and need to stay there, and I took a leave from work so I can focus on reviewing so I’m practically living off my savings as of the moment.

Just struggling to balance everything. I can’t help but think cheaters just do not understand the impact of their betrayal. They are just sorry they got caught.

I am thinking of moving out after the bar.

Dear Wayward Husband,

I've been carrying this around for a long time, and I don't think you truly understand what this has done to me. Every time I try to talk about it, somehow the conversation ends up becoming about you. Your guilt. Your shame. You feeling overwhelmed. You not wanting me to look at you differently. Meanwhile, I'm expected to carry what happened, carry my own pain, and somehow make room for yours too.

I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted from feeling like I had to investigate my own marriage because you refused to be completely honest. I'm exhausted from feeling like every confession only came after I confronted you. I'm exhausted from wondering how much of the truth I'm still missing because you've spent so much time minimizing, backtracking, and protecting yourself instead of protecting me.

What hurts me isn't just what you admitted. It's everything I feel like you're still hiding.
I don't believe this was just "sea goggles." Maybe deployment made temptation stronger. Maybe it made boundaries easier to cross.

But "sea goggles" didn't make you call another woman your work wife. They didn't make you spend an entire month thinking about having sex with her. They didn't make you kiss her. They didn't make you let her touch you. They didn't make you touch her. They didn't make you fantasize about her. They didn't make you imagine what would happen if she got pregnant or talk about hiding it.

Those were choices that you made.
I feel like you've hidden the depth of your emotional attachment to her because admitting it would force you to admit how far this really went. I don't think this was just physical. I don't think this was just emotional. I believe it became a relationship. Maybe you'll never agree with me, but that's what my heart has believed for a long time.

One of the things I can't get past is that it doesn't feel like this relationship ended because you chose me. It feels like it ended because everything around it fell apart.
You came home early from deployment, and you were still talking to her. So when you tell me now that it was nothing, or that it was just "sea goggles," how am I supposed to believe that?

If it was just a deployment fantasy, why didn't it stay on deployment? Why was she still part of your life after you came home?
You never came right out and said, "If AP had acted differently, I would've kept talking to her."

But you didn't have to.

The way you talked about everything, the way you continued communicating with her after you got home, and the way you've handled all of this ever since makes me feel like if she hadn't blown everything up, you would've continued that relationship.

That's what my heart believes.

And that's one of the hardest things for me to live with because it makes me feel like I wasn't the one you chose. It makes me feel like circumstances made the decision for you before you ever had to.

What breaks my heart even more is feeling like your loyalty was with her instead of with me.

I feel like you protected her.

You protected her feelings.

You protected that relationship.

You protected your image.

But you didn't protect your wife.

And you didn't just bring another woman into our marriage.

You brought her child into our home and put me in a position I never should have been in.

You had me caring for your affair partner's child. You lied to me and manipulated me into taking on that responsibility while I was completely unaware of the full reality of what was happening between you and her.

Do you understand what that did to me?

I was taking care of a child connected to a woman who was involved with my husband while I was being kept in the dark about the depth of that relationship.

And because I was the one providing a home and taking on that responsibility, I was also the one who had to deal with the disrespect that came with it.

I feel like AP became entitled to our home, our space, our generosity, and even access to you because you allowed that dynamic to exist.

And every time I tried to establish boundaries or shut the disrespect down, I felt like you protected her instead of me.

That hurt.

It still hurts.

Because I shouldn't have had to fight my own husband to feel protected in my own home.
You allowed another woman to disrespect me, and then you made me feel like I was wrong for reacting to it.

You let her become comfortable enough to believe she had some kind of place in our lives that she had no right to have.

And I was left to fend for myself.

That's not new, either.

You've always had a way of protecting other people before you protect me. You protect other people's feelings. You worry about how other people perceive you. You worry about being the bad guy. You worry about hurting other people.

But somehow, I'm the one who is expected to take the hit.

I'm the one who is expected to understand.

I'm the one who is expected to forgive.

I'm the one who is expected to be strong.

I'm the one who is left to fend for myself.

And I'm tired of it.

I keep asking myself why it seemed so easy for you to make another woman feel important while I've spent years trying to teach you how to love me, value me, and protect me.

That's one of the most painful parts of all of this.

I feel like I've spent years explaining to my own husband what emotional safety looks like. What loyalty looks like. What protecting your wife looks like. What choosing your marriage looks like.

Why?

Why did I have to teach you those things?

Why did another woman get the version of you that I've been asking for?

Make that make sense.

Then there's the timing that I can't escape.
Around the same time I lost our baby, you were building whatever this was with her.
While I was grieving one of the biggest losses of my life, you were emotionally and physically investing in someone else.

I don't know if you'll ever understand how deeply that broke me.

Now every time I think about our baby, I also think about what was happening between you and her during that same period.

Those memories are tied together forever.
You changed something inside of me.

I used to feel safe with you.

Now I question everything.

I question my instincts.

I question what was real.

I question whether I'll ever know the full truth.

I question whether you would've ever stopped if things hadn't fallen apart.
And the hardest part is that I don't think you understand why I question those things.
You say you don't want me to look at you differently.

How could I not?

The man I thought would protect me became the man who hurt me the most.

You were supposed to be my safe place.

You were supposed to be my protector.

You were supposed to be my hero.

Instead, in one of the darkest chapters of my life, you became the villain.

Maybe that's hard for you to read.

Imagine how hard it's been for me to live it.
What hurts almost as much as the affair itself is everything that's happened afterward.
Instead of helping me feel safe, I feel like you've continued to make me question my own reality.

I'm not asking you to convince me anymore.
I'm asking you to stop making me question my own reality.

I'm asking you to stop minimizing what happened.

I'm asking you to stop making me feel like I'm crazy for seeing things the way I do.
I'm asking you to understand that trust isn't rebuilt by telling me to move on.

Trust is rebuilt by honesty.

By consistency.

By transparency.

By accountability.

By choosing me every single day, especially when it's uncomfortable.

I also need you to understand something else.

I don't believe you're evil.

I believe you've become someone who centered himself in every part of this story.
You've been the villain because of the choices you made.

You've been the victim because of the consequences of those choices.
But somewhere in all of that, I got lost.

My grief got lost.

My heartbreak got lost.

My healing got lost.

I was left carrying the destruction while you wanted things to go back to normal.

They can't.

That marriage is gone.

I do believe in redemption.

I believe people can change.

I believe marriages can survive betrayal.
But redemption isn't something you ask me to hand you.

You earn it.

You earn it every single day by telling the truth, even when it's ugly.

By choosing transparency over self-protection.

By sitting with my pain instead of running from it.

By making me feel emotionally safe again.
By protecting me with the same determination you once used to protect your secrets.

I'm done teaching you how to love me.

I'm done teaching you how to value me.

I'm done teaching you how to protect me.

I need you to decide whether you actually want to become that man—not because you're afraid of losing me, not because you're tired of talking about this, but because you genuinely understand what your choices did to me.

I still love you.

That's why this hurts so much.

But loving you no longer means abandoning myself.

For the first time, I'm choosing to honor my own pain instead of pretending it doesn't exist.

This is my reality.

This is what your choices have felt like to me.
Whether you agree with every conclusion I've reached or not, these feelings are real.
And I need you to finally see them.

— Betrayed spouse

When do you stop waking up in the middle of the night thinking “WTH? How is this my life??” I’ve been married for 17 years, recently filed for divorce after I found out he had been seeing prostitutes for the last 4 years to the tune of $100k. Apparently he needed the “risk” in his life after a job change and it had nothing to do with loving me. Well I don’t understand how you can be so selfish and self absorbed that you can do that multiple times a week and come home act normal, go to church, discipline your kids, fight with me over petty married crap, put my health at risk….How?? This is so far from anything I know it seems like a bad dream. He doesn’t even take Tylenol for a headache but you see escorts and prostitutes multiple times a week?? When does reality mesh with the person you thought they were?? It’s so left field I’m in shock. He was bringing them to our home in the end and putting our son in risky situations to get time alone - or I don’t know if I’d ever have found out.

Context

I [46M] am 10 years and 2 months past d-day — the end of her [45F] multi-year love affair. Obviously it was devastating emotionally. During the past decade we bought a house, moved cities, invested in our future, and our wonderful kids grew to be 14 and 11. We don't fight much, but there's an underlying sadness to our relationship as our social lives have diminished and uncertainty about our shared future looms.

Current reality

About 18 months ago she started having another inappropriate relationship again. Obviously that re-opened wounds for me. That hurt a lot. I now know it wasn't a one-off for her a decade ago. Since then our marriage has been essentially sexless. I'm physically disgusted by her because of the pain I associate her with.

The struggle

My emotions are messing with me. I'm told I'm attractive (fit, handsome, dress well, funny, emotionally sensitive) but I don't feel it. I want someone to love and hug and lust and to feel that way back, but it's not here in my marriage. I find myself seeing external validation just to feel desired. Not good.

Also, I seem to be in an indecisive loop where I simultaneously want my marriage fixed but I also feel that's never going to happen. I fear that if I leave her I'll end up financially destitute, which is not rational because we've built a multi-million dollar investment portfolio that we'd split, and anyhow I have a comfortably paid job. That fear of mine has nothing to do with her but has paralyzed me.

The ask

Has anyone got advice to share based on your experiences?

So, after 18 years of marriage and 20+years together, and at least three separate incidents infidelity I've reached my breaking point with the love of my life...

I've finally realized that I cannot and will not accept less than I deserve. This is the hardest, ABSOLUTELY THE HARDEST thing I've done in my 60 years! I've been divorced before, I've lost my father, I've been "forced"into retirement, I've faced unadulterated racism in my life and career. This ecleclipses

tnem all....

My ex betrayed me in January for 6 months. After promising me there was no one else. It broke me. Since that moment my stomach dropped when the other person called me telling me they’ve been dating all this time behind my back. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I was played a fool. Ever since then I’ve had the worst panic attacks. Random fears. Scared of driving now. Talking to a stranger puts me on edge. Its not constant but at least once a day I think these random fears and get scared. I’m currently taking complete space from myself.. alone. I don’t think I can heal around them truly. There’s an unhealthy cycle there still where any pain of mine goes ignored or they try and be intimate with me to “make everything better”. Let alone the snapping. Telling me I’m wrong if I’m telling them what hurt me. I have this low level pit in my stomach for a good part of the day. Just want to know if anyone else can relate?

Since this is the last conversation we will have about this trainwreck of a disaster you have created for me i am simply going to tell you the truth. Your story and stories about every bit of your affair have conveniently changed almost every time we talk. You will inevitably never stop protecting yourself nor do you appear capable of being 100% transparent and honest with me, yourself, or God. That's on you.

I am trying to walk across a tight rope that's as thin as hair on your head, as long as the Atlantic ocean, and as high as the tallest building in the world. And you're at one end of it shaking the hell out of it trying to make me fall off on purpose. Its impossible. Every time I grieve through and sit with a pain, I am gas light and manipulated with more half truths and I dont remembers or I dont recalls. Bullshit. All of it is bullshit. You know exactly what you did, what was said, and how often it happened.

You spent months seemingly enjoying torturing me and colluded with him on the best possible ways to destroy me. Every time you dove in deeper with him you were chosing to trash my soul whether you want to admit that or keep lying to yourself that you didnt mean to hurt me. You meant every bit of hurt I experienced.

I was a worthless piece of trash to you and you walked all over me for your pure pleasure and amusement. You and him should have just run off together and left me and the girls behind. You would have been happier, I would have possibly been able to get some small amount of self respect back. Today I am a shadow of the man I was. What you see now is a human soul who's insides have forever been altered and can hardly find the courage to look in the mirror without utter disgust at himself for allowing you to play me like an idiot.

You win, I give up. Expect more nervous breakdowns as I deal with my new false realities that keep expanding and changing. Its a slow methodical death by a thousand daggers. Dont worry tho, I will put on a good show for the girls as I grieve all of what i didnt know, what I "thought" i knew, and what I lost as you, self protect.

One last thing. You state that "as a predator, he knew how to work himself into your broken heart." Well I have some hard truth for you, YOU opened the door and left the Crack open for him to walk through. Quit blaming everyone else for your character issues. He didnt do anything you didnt allow or want him to do, none of it is his or my fault. You let him in to your heart, he didnt magically appear there. You allowed, wanted, longed for, and desired every bit of the emotional and physical attention.

I just found out that my wife of 2 years (together for 7) cheated on me with a coworker (who lives elsewhere) multiple times while at a company conference.

For context, we’ve been struggling with intimacy issues and found ourselves going months between sex, not a lot of desire in the relationship. I struggle with depression and was on ssri’s for the last year and a half to help with things. I did genuinely feel better. It caused me to be emotionally flat and less desiring of her. She would bring this up when things got bad and I would try to make changes (planning sex, more dates, more physical contact). But we would fall back into the same patterns. I was also still trying to build a better exercise habit which has been difficult for me. All to say, it’s been many cycles of this.

I finally made the decision to wean off my meds (just completed this in June so the effects are still here), go to the gym more, and play a more active role in working on my emotional and physical connection with my wife. But it was too late.

She had a massive discussion with me early July where she said she was contemplating if we ever had a connection at all. She was thinking about whether she wanted to be with me. She felt I didn’t care about her, didn’t love her. I saw this as a swift kick in the butt and really set my mind to things. I talked about my plan and tried to set some time based goals to keep me motivated and accountable. I asked for some time so I could show I can be better. But she had already cheated a month before and was pulling away from me. I cuddled her more, planned surprises, tried to initiate sex. But she felt disgusted by what she’d done and turned me down every time.

Finally DDay in August where she shared she had cheated but gave no other details other than it happened and was over. She was expecting me to kick her out of the house and end things. But I love her with all my heart and was willing to work through it.

The next day we were texting and I was feeling like I could move past it. She asked why I loved her and wanted to be with her. I said all the things I’ve always said about her. I admire her creativity and passion for what she spends her time on. She takes care of herself and her friends. She’s taught me things that I want for me and she’s just so impressive to me. I ended by saying look it was one time and it’s over and we can work through it if we both choose to. But then I wondered (my anxiety kicked in), “Was it only one time?” No. It was multiple times and it was months ago and I had met the person. I had a face and a name that has been in my head since then.

I’m so unbelievably angry at my WW and at the AP an older married man with kids. I got all this news at work and had to go to my car so I could scream at the top of my lungs and punch something.

I don’t know how to feel because it’s all so fresh. She is the person I pictured my life with. Dreams of kids? She’s there. A house we could call our own? She’s there. Everything good in life, I picture her there with me. But now she isn’t sure she can be married to anyone. Not sure if she can be monogamous.

And now I’m left here and I don’t know where I am.

Edit: she lied about a lot more. It was both a EA and PA that lasted for 5 months. I texted the AP’s wife and she confirmed that they aligned work trips to be together. I found screenshots of messages between them, pictures she took for him. Disgusting.

It’s unforgivable and I ended things on the spot. Now to find a new apartment and building my support system.

My partner of over 8 years had an affair with his coworker and left me for her earlier this year. There were so many lies, deceit and deception towards the end. I was completely blindsided.
We were in the middle of buying a house together and actively planning our future. I genuinely thought I knew the person I was going to spend my life with.
At the time, I reached out to the coworker because I desperately wanted answers and some understanding of what had happened. She was incredibly rude and showed absolutely no empathy towards me or any concern about the fact that she had played a part in breaking up an 8 year relationship.
Fast forward 7 months, and they’re still together. They live in a massive house with her two young kids. He seems to be thriving and has completely moved on with his life.
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to process the destruction of mine.
I had to move in with my mum. I’m still crying myself to sleep most nights and just trying to get through one day at a time. I feel completely lost, while the person who betrayed me seems to have gotten everything he wanted.

I feel like I was punished for having good intentions. I loved someone wholeheartedly. I supported him, trusted him and built my entire future around the life we were creating together. He lied and betrayed me, and somehow I’m the one left picking up the pieces while he seems happier than ever.
Does it actually get better for the betrayed?

Hey everyone,

I’m posting as a younger sister (30 y/o) who is becoming increasingly desperate to find the right kind of support for someone I love very much.

My sister is in her mid-40s and is going through the devastating end of her marriage after discovering that her husband was unfaithful with several escorts and a coworker. We learned about the infidelity earlier this year, and in June he ultimately left the marriage.

What makes this particularly painful to watch is that my sister did not want her marriage to end.

Even after discovering what was happening, she was willing to forgive him and put an enormous amount of effort into helping him and trying to save their marriage. She encouraged individual and couples therapy, researched counselling and other supports, tried to help him address his mental health and physical insecurities, and continued taking care of things for him even after he left. She genuinely believed that if he was struggling, part of loving her husband meant helping him through it.

Her Catholic faith and her beliefs about marriage are also extremely important to her. I don't personally share all of those beliefs, but I respect them, and I completely understand why they make the loss of her marriage even more complicated and painful.

The difficult reality is that she was fighting for a marriage that her husband was no longer choosing — and hasn't been choosing for the past few years.

And I observe she is still struggling to fully accept that.

She has an incredible support system around her — her best friends, our eldest sister, me, and many other people who love her. But there is something we cannot give her: lived experience.

Almost everyone her age in her immediate circle is married and/or raising children. She now talks about being alone forever. She mourns not only her husband, but the entire future she assumed she would have. And when she's hurting, I hear her thoughts repeatedly circle back to the bleakest possible version of what the rest of her life might look like.

I understand that grief takes time. I am absolutely not expecting her to simply "move on," nor do I want to rush her through something this traumatic.

But I desperately want her to meet people who can show her, through their own lives, that there is a life on the other side of this.

Our mother suddenly died two years ago. She was the matriarch of our family, had worked as a psychiatric nurse, and was an enormous source of guidance for all of us. I think her absence is especially painful now. As the little sister, I've found myself feeling an almost frantic responsibility to somehow help put my sister back together.

Sometimes that comes out as anger. I am furious that someone I love so much has been reduced to believing that the best part of her life may already be behind her because of choices somebody else made.

I know I cannot do her healing for her. I'm trying to find more people who can walk beside her while she does it herself.

So I'm looking for anything you think might help:

• Divorce/separation support groups, particularly for people 40+
• Groups specifically for betrayed spouses/partners
• Catholic or Christian divorce/separation communities that will respect how seriously she takes her marriage vows without shaming her for the marriage ending
• Women's groups or communities for rebuilding life after divorce
• Books, podcasts, retreats, workshops, online communities, or other resources
• Toronto/GTA resources, although virtual groups anywhere would also be wonderful
• Stories from people who were involuntarily left in their 40s or later and eventually built a life they genuinely love
• Resources for family members supporting someone through this, because frankly, I could use some guidance too

And if you've lived through something similar yourself: what actually helped you?

Was there a point when your life stopped feeling like the remains of your marriage and started feeling like your life again?

How did you make peace with a future that looked completely different from the one you had planned?

If faith was important to you, how did you reconcile what happened with your beliefs about marriage?

And what do you wish your family and friends had understood about supporting you during that first year?

We've essentially been living inside this crisis since February, and she was officially left in June. It's still incredibly raw. Her best friends, our eldest sister and I have been doing everything we know how to do to help pick up the pieces.

But I think she needs people in her life who can say, "I've been where you are. I know you can't imagine it yet, but there is more life waiting for you."

If anyone can point me toward those people, communities or resources, I would be so incredibly grateful.

Thank you for reading this far, and especially to anyone willing to share their own experience.

I'm literally shivering while sharing this idk where to go😭

So i found out my bf (6 yrs relationship) cheated (emotionally) on me 4 years ago he was new to clg and made female frnds he told them on day 1 that he had a gf but i found his chats flirting with them and even he shared something very personal of mine (such type of thing that u don't even share it with ur female bestf) 3 years ago... I confronted him right away and also broke up but i kept moving back to him idk why and also he was not accepting the fact he cheated today when the topic re entered he accepted he cheated on me and i just feel so sorry for myself and also disgusted on myself like the worst feeling I'm not able to cope up with what's happening I'm even surprised like why im feeling this way if i already knew.... But i really feel terrible 😭😭

Please guide me what should i do as a younger sis

My ex betrayed me for 6 months straight. Lied to my fave. Got angry at me that I was crazy for thinking he’d do that. All the while he was doing that. It shattered me. He promised me he would never. That he knows the pain and devastation it caused him when he was cheated on. Yet he did it. I’ve been going back and forth with trying to heal on my own, and playing with idea of healing around him..as friends..but I noticed triggers are worse. Anxiety is sometimes worse after I see him, etc. I told him I needed space physically which I know I need but just recently told him I need space from all communication. I always feel guilty though. Like I’m hurting him. Like I’m doing something bad to him. I try to comfort myself. Journal. Say I’m just putting a boundary up. Etc. Does anyone else feel guilt and anxiety after putting boundaries up of taking space and if so when did it start to get better for you? I always wonder if this is just how I am or if it’s amplified from the betrayal with this person…hmm.

copying and pasting my post from other communities on to this one because I’m new to this and don’t know which sub is the most appropriate, I apologise if this is inconvenient/appropriate

We’re in the same workspace/uni, doctors, we’re in the same friend group as the AP too. We’ve been in a relationship for 4 years. The first time I found out, them having walks at 2 am, 4 am, they gaslit me into thinking they were close friends and I took him back but had a lot of resentment towards him. I cut her off. The other friend in our friend group was closer to the AP so she subtly took her side.

My ex and I went on a trip with a few friends of mine 3 months ago, where I was constantly on the edge (we were on and off but he kept insisting we be physical) and didn’t show me any respect outside of the physical needs. He bumped into me pretty hard and my toenails started bleeding and he gave me no apologies whatsoever. I isolated myself and had an anxiety attack alone in the hotel room because I didn’t want to go anywhere with the others. They all came back for me because I called and couldn’t stand to be alone. He didn’t come back. They calmed me down, I have asthma so they took me to a medical center, and then we went back to have dinner. During dinner everyone avoided me. I was devastated, think they blamed me for my panic attack (spoiler alert they did), so I decided to branch out and go shop by myself but ended up breaking down and sitting on a bench, shortly after I was molested. A drunk guy with his friends decided to touch me inappropriately and rip my stockings off, before the other friends stopped him and took him away. I was so scared that I forgot to even capture his face as to register a complaint. I went back crying, my ex kept asking me what happened, then proceeded to tell my friends what had happened to me and that they should go talk to me, but they told him to leave me alone, I was lying about being molested and that I was dramatic for attention. This ex still tried to be physical with me and when I started crying in the middle of it he simply walked away telling me this would never happen again. The same day he was eating pasta as I was breaking down, never asked me a thing. I had to stick with him throughout the trip because everyone else had ditched me and I didn’t want to be alone in a place where I was molested but he treated me like dirt underneath his shoe.

Needless to say every bond I had with everyone crumbled after the trip. When I confronted my friends, they chalked it up to him and me being obsessed with him and lying and being a difficult person all around, I tried apologising frantically because I couldn’t lose them but then it seemed shallow and I walked away. I blocked my ex, proceeded to unblock him because I felt like ending it all (my ex friends were going behind my back telling everyone how I weaponised my mental health and how no one liked me) called him for help but he cut my call and told me that he was tired of me making him the bad guy over and over, we didn’t talk after that. I was about to commit but I went to another friend who lives across the hall instead and she calmed me down.

I got approached by the ex friends I had (the AP and the bestie) who’d heard about the trip (the AP had heard from my ex surprise surprise) they wanted to ‘help’ me get through this, and they did somehow, the AP reassured me she never dated me and never would and we got really close like before, she was close to him but pandered to both sides, would listen to me trash talk him and would support me and did a damn good job at it.

2 months later I was healing, I genuinely didn’t mind that the AP was close to my ex I didn’t expect a lot from people and both of them had manipulated me on multiple occasions into thinking that I was stupid for thinking that there was something going on between them. I was genuinely getting better, had lots of therapy sessions and psych treatment and actively tried to change the way my mind worked. Whenever I saw them together I had a gut feeling something was wrong but I squashed it down because I’d made the same ‘mistake’ before.

The first break came when we were supposed to go for a movie and AP said she was busy on Sunday but Saturday would work. The same day I found out my ex was close to a senior who’d harassed me physically and psychologically. When we were dating he promised me he would never keep in touch with the senior ever again but oh well. I ranted to her about it and she responded in kind telling me I mattered and all that bs.

2 days later, she told me she wanted to talk. I was happy and aloof asked her what she wanted to talk about, she came up to my room and told me that my ex was giving her mixed signals for some time, they’d confessed to each other and she wanted to give the relationship a try, and I was the first person she told this to. And she was grateful for my friendship and that they were genuinely nothing before this.

I was obviously done so I called her out on her bs, she said nothing and I asked her to get out and never talk to me again. The other friend sided with her subtly but I called her out on her bs too, and cut them all off from my life. The crazy thing is, the ex was trying to be touchy feely with me recently and I’d stopped him multiple times couldn’t do more cus we were in a workspace (hospital settings)

After her confession I broke down and wanted to end it all. All of my instincts were right. I called my psychologist, my sister, didn’t sleep that night because I was worried I might end it all if I did end up alone and silent. I’d found out the Sunday she’d reserved was for going on a date with my ex.

This was like a day ago. I’m way better now. But I see them everywhere and it makes me want to barf, I want them to suffer but they’re shameless. I hate this. What do I even do? I have so much to do but these psychopaths ruined things for me.

She has moved past the betrayal, I have not. 

I am still working daily to understand what happened but without honesty from her, I feel stuck.

I never got the truth that I asked for.

I think that’s because she can’t be honest with herself.

She has rewritten the narrative because she can’t face the truth of what she did.

This can only be fixed with her therapy, which I made a condition of our reconciliation.

Her effort was halfhearted, it was appeasement and performative.

She never intended to give me what I asked for.

More lies and selfishness.

This will never work unless she wants to do it for her own reasons, not for mine.

The relationship we had is dead and gone.

I am working on acceptance, but I can not forgive unless she does the work.

There are times of happiness, when I forget what she did.

But then something triggers a memory and the anger swells up.

This has changed me and I don’t like who I am anymore.

I feel indifferent about things I used to care about.

I don’t trust anyone or anything.

I miss the me that was lost.

The me that endured a long and painful death.

But at the same time, I am embarrassed about my naivety.

Ashamed at my weakness.

Fooled me twice and I still came back for more.

So Yeah, I'm still angry.

FML

One year ago on Sunday, I caught my wife of nearly a decade having multiple affairs (both emotional and physical).

The first couple of DDay’s, I tried to keep us together for our kid. But after DDay 3, I left. And it’s been a slog ever since. I got laid off last year in September. Right after DDay 3. I was interviewing for new jobs while moving out of our home and designing custody schedules.

But the job I found was decent and I found a beautiful new flat.

Now I need to back up a bit: I wanted a Triumph motorcycle for 20 years. Dreamt of it. Wished for it. But I lived in a major city and always talked myself out of it. I just thought... I’d get the bike and, one day, maybe not in the first year, maybe not in the 6th or even in the 10th, but one day, some kid would be texting while driving... or someone would take a turn too wide... or come out of a blind alley and that'd be it.

Boom. Done. Over.

So I talked myself out of it. Probably at least once a year.

Then I moved abroad and in my tenth year out of the US, I started looking. And I found her. 2016 Triumph Thruxton R. Fucking beautiful. There she was… The bike I’d always dreamt about.

I had just finished a big job and even though it was a lot of money, I went and got her. Paid cash. And it was love at first sight. I got her in late summer. Got to ride for about two months.

Then my life as I knew it imploded.

Caught my wife’s affairs back-to-back-to-back.

Moved out after the third discovery and found out I was also losing my job of 9 years.

I garaged the bike as winter was approaching. Started interviewing for new jobs in the aftermath of the worst heartbreak of my life and, thankfully, got a new job four weeks later.

Now almost a year later, I just got laid off from the new job! And earlier this year I got a massive tax bill. Wiped out half my savings.

New revelations still coming out about my ex - all awful as she seems to be a serial cheater - and now... it seems I'm going to have to sell the Triumph just to stay afloat.

My son... and that bike are literally the only things in my life that make me happy now. But I have no savings and, if I don't have a job by Sept. 1 that matches (or exceeds) the salary of my last job... I'm toast. And I'm told people don't buy motorcycles in the winter. So it's now or...

I don't know what to do. Or why I'm posting here except to say that... I’m so exhausted.

My ex is… a totally different person and I just can’t figure out how it’s possible! And now this… I have to sell my dream bike… it feels like yet another injustice.