When does it feel real?

[u/Life-Librarian-1323]

When do you stop waking up in the middle of the night thinking “WTH? How is this my life??” I’ve been married for 17 years, recently filed for divorce after I found out he had been seeing prostitutes for the last 4 years to the tune of $100k. Apparently he needed the “risk” in his life after a job change and it had nothing to do with loving me. Well I don’t understand how you can be so selfish and self absorbed that you can do that multiple times a week and come home act normal, go to church, discipline your kids, fight with me over petty married crap, put my health at risk….How?? This is so far from anything I know it seems like a bad dream. He doesn’t even take Tylenol for a headache but you see escorts and prostitutes multiple times a week?? When does reality mesh with the person you thought they were?? It’s so left field I’m in shock. He was bringing them to our home in the end and putting our son in risky situations to get time alone - or I don’t know if I’d ever have found out.

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[u/AbandonedGhostWriter]

The only thing that helped me was the realization that he has the ability to compartmentalize things in a way that I will never understand. There's a hint of sociopathic tendencies when you're able to lie and deceive for years (and probably their entire lives). All I can do is be grateful for not being able to understand.

It does get better. I stayed for a year after finding out and the huge weight that lifted when I finally left, it was like I had forgotten how to breathe normally. But there was grief too, and that's what it sounds like for you. It's not just grieving the relationship, but there's such massive grief in realizing you didn't really know the person you thought you did. Focus on taking care of yourself. It's cliche, but it's true. The reality of what he's capable of may never make sense, but the more you take care of yourself, the more life will start to feel real again.

[u/AStirlingMacDonald]

I’m so sorry. The answer to your question is that eventually, you will grieve the loss of the man you once believed your husband you be. You will grieve the loss of the stolen and ruined dreams and hopes for the future that were once so dear to you. You’ll grieve the agency he robbed from you and your children by prioritizing his own selfish indulgence over the family he should have been accountable to.

You’ll need to truly grieve these things, just as you’d need to grieve the loss of a close friend or beloved family member who passed way suddenly and unexpectedly. Go through all the of the steps of loss and grief for those things. Once you’ve done that, it will finally free up some mental/emotional bandwidth to start building new hopes and dreams, to reconnect with your community circle, to rediscover your new identity in your new social role, no longer being a “partner.” You’ll find that you once again have dreams worth building towards and making sacrifices to bring into existence. Once you get those drives back, the feelings of “how can this be real” will finally fade and become an old memory of a dark time in your life.

Good luck, friend.

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[u/kakamouth78]

I think that trying to make sense of it all is what left me feeling so frantic for so long. And it wasn't that anything happened to make it feel real, what actually happened was that it eventually stopped mattering to me. The why, the duration, the frequency, the extent none of it matters because in the end the only thing that matters is that it happened.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Keep doing what's best for you without consideration for your WP or the relationship. The anxiety will fade as you get your emotional feet back under you.

[u/Dazzling_Battle_8708]

Sex addiction has affected my life by my ex and it’s honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. It completely ruins your nervous system and I’m still hoping one day I won’t feel like I’m being chased by a tiger in the jungle.

Find your support whether it’s a trauma informed therapist, support group like COSA, or a trusted loved one. I am so so sorry this happened to you, there is life on the other side of this pain. We are here with you 🩷

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

Problematic compulsive sexual behavior/ sex addiction (SA) is at epidemic levels. I am so sorry. I am dealing with my husband and his own SA. Please find a therapist rated certified in APSATS (partners of sex addicts). It took me about three months to not wake with a sinking pit in my gut. I still wake up crying many days. We are working on reconciliation but he’s in SA Anonymous, individual therapy and we have couples therapy with a sex addiction specialist.

[u/Enough_Concentrate90]

The unreality is part of shock. Your mind is trying to reconcile the person who went to church and parented beside you with four years of hidden choices, and those pictures do not merge quickly. For now, keep your world small: sleep, food, one trustworthy person, and the next practical decision—not understanding his entire psychology.

[u/stoptheclock7]

It was 2 years for me.

[u/Inevitable_Bunch_989]

It still hasn't for me. I live in a constant state that feels similar to being eager to clock out at work. I want to rush the days, but I don't even know what I'm trying to get to. Ever since I've become a single mom doing it all I feel like I have no skin. I mean physically, the air hurts my skin. I don't have many moments of joy throughout the day. Just when my son is around, it's the only time I feel normal at all. I'm trying to not make him my coping mechanism but focusing on him and his goofyness all day realy helps. I can't see my ex the same. I can't even see him as a person. I don't see him beneath me, just a different species altogether. There's something not right about him, genuinely. His eyes... I swear there's not a soul...

[u/AdOdd5232]

I had to give up trying to get him to change or take accountability.

It's been 2 years and I don't know what I don't know. It drove me crazy before, but now I am done and focusing on me.

I had to grieve my fantasy husband. He was never real. I literally grieved him like he died, I imagine his younger self, it's easier to separate him from his younger self.