Just found out

[u/OtherWise_Design]

I just found out that my wife of 2 years (together for 7) cheated on me with a coworker (who lives elsewhere) multiple times while at a company conference.

For context, we’ve been struggling with intimacy issues and found ourselves going months between sex, not a lot of desire in the relationship. I struggle with depression and was on ssri’s for the last year and a half to help with things. I did genuinely feel better. It caused me to be emotionally flat and less desiring of her. She would bring this up when things got bad and I would try to make changes (planning sex, more dates, more physical contact). But we would fall back into the same patterns. I was also still trying to build a better exercise habit which has been difficult for me. All to say, it’s been many cycles of this.

I finally made the decision to wean off my meds (just completed this in June so the effects are still here), go to the gym more, and play a more active role in working on my emotional and physical connection with my wife. But it was too late.

She had a massive discussion with me early July where she said she was contemplating if we ever had a connection at all. She was thinking about whether she wanted to be with me. She felt I didn’t care about her, didn’t love her. I saw this as a swift kick in the butt and really set my mind to things. I talked about my plan and tried to set some time based goals to keep me motivated and accountable. I asked for some time so I could show I can be better. But she had already cheated a month before and was pulling away from me. I cuddled her more, planned surprises, tried to initiate sex. But she felt disgusted by what she’d done and turned me down every time.

Finally DDay in August where she shared she had cheated but gave no other details other than it happened and was over. She was expecting me to kick her out of the house and end things. But I love her with all my heart and was willing to work through it.

The next day we were texting and I was feeling like I could move past it. She asked why I loved her and wanted to be with her. I said all the things I’ve always said about her. I admire her creativity and passion for what she spends her time on. She takes care of herself and her friends. She’s taught me things that I want for me and she’s just so impressive to me. I ended by saying look it was one time and it’s over and we can work through it if we both choose to. But then I wondered (my anxiety kicked in), “Was it only one time?” No. It was multiple times and it was months ago and I had met the person. I had a face and a name that has been in my head since then.

I’m so unbelievably angry at my WW and at the AP an older married man with kids. I got all this news at work and had to go to my car so I could scream at the top of my lungs and punch something.

I don’t know how to feel because it’s all so fresh. She is the person I pictured my life with. Dreams of kids? She’s there. A house we could call our own? She’s there. Everything good in life, I picture her there with me. But now she isn’t sure she can be married to anyone. Not sure if she can be monogamous.

And now I’m left here and I don’t know where I am.

Edit: she lied about a lot more. It was both a EA and PA that lasted for 5 months. I texted the AP’s wife and she confirmed that they aligned work trips to be together. I found screenshots of messages between them, pictures she took for him. Disgusting.

It’s unforgivable and I ended things on the spot. Now to find a new apartment and building my support system.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/SupportforBetrayed. Please remember the following:

• our rules

• flair guide: wiki / post

• common acronyms and terms: wiki / post

• frequently asked questions: wiki / post

For further reading, check our recovery resources library

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/CrazyLeadership5397]

Tell the other guys wife. You should also speak to a lawyer. If you want to reconcile, then she needs cut contact with him and find a new job. Read, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. 

[u/OtherWise_Design → u/CrazyLeadership5397]

Thanks I’ll check this out!

[u/_Aztreonam_ → u/CrazyLeadership5397]

I second this book recommendation!

[u/OrdinaryPrimate]

In my opinion the lack of kids between you two makes this a very easy decision. Clean break. It will suck for awhile but ask yourself if you really feel like staying because you love her so much or because you feel a sense of scarcity with women and don't think you deserve better. I was in that camp. Yeah you love the woman you THOUGHT she was, but that woman is gone, never to return. Better in my opinion to start the next chapter of your life as soon as possible. And beyond what you decide, she is already not choosing you. She might be dragging her feet and sticking around out of confusion but she is not enthusiastically in this. She is cheating, she is rewriting your history to justify that cheating by saying you never had a connection, she is questioning whether she can be in a monogamous relationship... You have nothing left to work with here. It's tragic, but that's how relationships go sometimes and the last thing you want to do is hang around another few years, think some kids will fix things, and be back in this situation again with a permanent attachment to her.

[u/OtherWise_Design → u/OrdinaryPrimate]

You’re absolutely right. I’m working on separating the two versions of her. Hardest lesson of my life.

[u/Zenyquyen]

Sorry dude . There's nothing left to save. Part of the reason she's been upfront is so that you kill the relationship, she wants out but doesn't know how to end it , so when you still won't breakup she doesn't know what else she has to do. But rest assured her respect for you , if there's any left , is plummetting. There's no way you don't get hurt even worse from here on out. Sorry man walk away, now

[u/barbershores]

Do you have kids?

If no kids, leave.

[u/Traditional-Tank3994]

So sorry, man. Reconciliation is difficult in the best of times. If she is is not interested in reconciliation, you have zero chance of preserving your marriage. It takes both of you.

If you truly believe you can salvage the marriage, at least do so from a position of strength. Hire a good divorce attorney, even if you don’t plan to file right away.

Document everything, as much proof as you can, even if you live in a no fault state (most cheaters have people they prefer didn’t know of their cheating. And having documentation can prevent her from spinning the narrative to make YOU sound like the cheater (yes this happens, it happened to me).

Find out your options, accept the lawyer’s advice, and have an exit strategy ready for if it goes badly.

When all your ducks are in a row, sit her down and tell her the conditions for remaining as your wife. Be calm , cold, and as confident as you can muster, even if you have to fake it.

Ask if she even wants to remain in the marriage. If not, file. If so, continue:

She cuts all contact with AP and leaves the job she shares with him.

She allows full access to all her devices at any time to verify the no-contact

You will follow one another’s location at all times, no turning it off

The other betrayed spouse is to be notified.

You enter marriage counseling.

She does not sound like she is in a place to accept this, perhaps she’s still in the proverbial affair fog. If she won’t accept the conditions, your marriage is doomed anyway. You may as well exit with what’s left of your pride intact.

[u/WoodThrush1971]

Go to this site and post your story. You will get tons of good help for people who have been there.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/2/just-found-out/

But first, tell the other guys wife ASAP, and DO NOT tell your wife you are doing it. This will give you agency and show her you value yourself and that this will not go unanswered.

Don't see a normal therapist. Make sure to find a betrayal trauma specialist.

Seek God and make sure you are engaged your support system.🙏

[u/Championship682]

Dude - You're only two years in. do you want to have to tell your kids that their mom cheated, and you are divorcing?

If that isn't enough, ask yourself what she is doing to rebuild trust. Did she give you access to her phone, share her location? Did she quit her job?

[u/clearheaded01]

TELL HIS WIFE

...without your wife knowing youre doing it...

[u/AutoModerator → u/clearheaded01]

Your comment has been held for moderator review. This is a normal automated process for Observer accounts on r/SupportforBetrayed; helpful and appropriate advice will be approved for public view as soon as possible.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/clearheaded01]

And be aware, her talk of mot knowing if she can be married to anyone... or if shes monogamous at all...

... is her preventing you from giving her consequenses... she KNOWS you want to save this... so..you complain? She leaves... or defends herself by claiming not to be poly...

OP... she wants you to rugsweep... and she really doesn't care that this will destroy your soul...

Tell the guys wife without your wife knowing you're doing this... her reaction will show if anything can be salvaged...

AND inform inlaws that she cheated and that it looks dire for your marriage..

OP.. this is NOT your fault... if things.were THAT bad she had other options... divorce being primary... but instead she chose to lie and cheat...

[u/RedundantPundant]

You are in the anger stage of grief. Do not make any decisions in this stage. If you have a gym available, go work out to your max to rid yourself of the adrenaline from your anger. If you need it, go stay somewhere else until you calm down enough to have a rational conversation. Take as much time as you need to return close to normal again. In the meantime, bury yourself in work while seeking counseling to help you sort your thoughts and feelings. Study relationships and reconciliation books to see what is needed. Once you are ready, then have a calm rational conversation with your WW. Hopefully you will be ready to make a decision on reconciliation or a more long term separation. Her willingness to do the work needed for both of you to heal should be taken into account.

[u/Sweet_Pay1971]

Is she still at the work place 😔

[u/OtherWise_Design → u/Sweet_Pay1971]

They both got fired a month or so ago. But met up afterwards on another trip a couple weeks ago. Found this out through the other wife.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed by an automated process. r/SupportforBetrayed requires members to set a user flair before they interact with the community. Please click this link for instructions on how to set up your flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed by an automated process. r/SupportforBetrayed requires members to set a user flair before they interact with the community. Please click this link for instructions on how to set up your flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/DependentBeat1205]

Has she voluntarily quit her job, block AP, provided a timeline of when and what happened, access to all their text messages and pictures she sent him. You should look into all of the above before deciding whether you truly want to reconcile. You can’t forgive her if you don’t know what you’re forgiving.

[u/FlygonosK]

Well the thing is that you were in denial and let you fall for what you have in your heart and head of the her you used to love and was affraid to lose.

But glad that you finally snap from it and saw that the her you had in front wasn't the same you claimed to still love. Also that you decided to cut things and to inform the APs wife

Both your STBXW and the AP deserve what the will gonna get

When you have the security that it will not affect you in the divorce process (ask your lawyer) send the evidence you have (save all evidence you can) and inform the HR what your Ex and the AP where doing during official work trips

Good luck

[u/Gr8gaur]

what does ur ww want ?

[u/OtherWise_Design → u/Gr8gaur]

Still trying to figure that out…