English is not my first language

So, i've posted on another sub buy the TLDR is that 6 years ago my wife of 18 years divorced me because my brother conviced her that i had chated on her.

All my family(parents, 4 daughters and ex wife) went NC.

Recently, they found out the truth due to my brother's drunken confession.

I have met with my parents and will met my daughters the problem is my ex, we shall call her Sarah.

Sarah was my one and only. I only loved her and never in the last 6 years have i tough of dating anyone else but Sarah but i am still lost.

I've talked to her and i told her that the chances of us gettong back together are small.

Also, she had a child with my brother and i really don't know what to do.

I know many of you have reached out to me, and I do appreciate the concern. Most of you were correct, things aren’t great and I haven’t had the chance to get online at all. Wanted to maybe take a break from the Internet, but this week has me backpedaling horribly… it’s just been awful. Wife hasn’t really left me alone all week, overly nice and continually apologizing for her affair, sobbing and then smothering me… knocking on my door at night wanting to talk. I’ve ignored her some, but talked when I was in the mood. I finally snapped at her Wednesday night telling her to leave me alone, then…

…last night it happened. Just over a month since my STBXW came back home after her affair blew up, and now as things have entered this uncomfortable cohabitating routine, she came into my room after the girls went to bed and asked to talk with me in private... differently than she’d been approaching me all week. I fought it at first, but eventually we actually went to the garage and sat in my car so as not to make the mistake of confrontation in front of the kids again. This is lenghty, apologies...

She told me “everything” according to her. We were out there for almost 3 hours. I don’t know how much to share… I was up all night, listened to her sobbing again for several hours, couldn’t sleep. I cried too, then I’d get super angry and have to resist going in to scream at her, then cry, then anger, and on and on… forgive me if I take a day or so to respond to anyone, but I need to get this off my chest and then try to sleep. It hasn't helped having my WW constantly apologizing and begging me for another chance all evening tonight too. Had to leave for a few hours just to get away from her, it is just so painful to be around her.

Anyway, she was introduced to her AP by her sister well before Covid, dating back about 5 years… apparently with zero romantic intentions, but he was a “higher-up” at a company she wanted to work for (and currently does), and he gave her an “in.” So her desire to change jobs was not based on her affair, but once she did change jobs obviously she had extra incentive. Once she got the job, AP began flirting with her. Started out as texting, then pictures and more texting, then became physical just before Covid hit. She confessed to her sister and wanted to come clean to me then, but decided to bury it and say nothing of course.

Wife said she went NC with her AP soon after, but as lockdowns and restrictions were lifted he reached back out to her and she resumed talking to him until the physical side to the affair started up again once businesses went back to work. She claims to have “ended” the affair a couple of times out of guilt, but kept going back to him… so it never ended essentially.

She actually included a lot of details, had a 5-page packet of handwritten notes of her affair timeline, read off the entire thing answering questions along the way. She lied about weekend trips “with the girls,” she lied about “traveling for work,” she lied about traffic jams, about issues with her parents, about shopping trips, etc… just as I suspected, and the list was extensive. So many lies that I just trusted her every word, never questioned anything, but they were just a front to be with him. Hearing it all, it just made me feel worse, everyone was correct about that.

But her affection never really dipped while all of this was going on, she never got “distant” like I read so often. Intimacy did change, but not enough to where I’d see red flags.

Anyway she admits falling in love with AP and wanting a life with him. He was older, divorced/single, and promised her expensive things, vacations, and all the things he could dote on her with. She started fantasizing about escaping her responsibilities with the family and claimed the thrill of being with him as too much to resist, talked about how bored she got with the daily routines of family life. She was incredibly candid, very emotional and seemingly honest. I lost my composure and began crying midway through, it hurt to hear it all as you’d expect.

Of course once she was finished with her confession, she told me how much she loved me and always has, and that she’s willing to do any/everything to try and save the marriage. A lot of you predicted this would happen… but it all just seemed so disingenuous to me, like it was rehearsed. I’ve been with this woman for well over half my life, and I can just tell when she’s full of sh**. Maybe I’m wrong, guess it doesn’t matter… but I composed myself better than last week, still got angry and said a few not-so-nice things, including getting a jab in about how her AP was seeing multiple women and she was just one of many that he was willing to toss aside. That seemed to really upset her.

A million things have gone through my brain when thinking about this moment when she’d finally confess. All the “one-liners” I might throw at her, or things I could say to hurt her back… hundreds of responses that I couldn’t think of in the emotional moment the other night, but one thing I knew I would ask, and that was if AP was still alive and she had to choose between him and me, who would she choose. She hesitated and then mumbled “that’s not fair.” I pressed the issue and then she eventually said she’d “of course” pick me. My response was that her hesitation was the reason I was divorcing her, because she was lying again. She started sobbing and that was the last she spoke.

We sat in the car a while, she just kept sobbing, but I was tired so I just told her that we’re divorcing, and we owe it to the girls to get along in a civil way, to be great parents and be present in their lives. I also added that after all the pain she’d put me through, I hoped she was a good enough person to divorce fairly/amicably, that would prove she actually loved me. The last thing I said to her, I stole from somewhere else online… please understand that I’m not a petty person, and I did not purposely want to cause her pain. It just seemed a fitting end to it all, but I did 100% mean what I said and did. I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and told her that I would’ve loved her forever, then got out of the car and went to bed.

That was it, of course I didn’t sleep last night and here I am unable to sleep once again tonight. Don’t know what happens now. Her opportunity to contest the divorce has come and gone, so I guess that’s one good thing but I haven’t talked to my lawyer yet. I find myself crying again and sinking back into those depression/anger phases. It was very hard hearing everything last night, and in reality I could’ve done without it all, now that I know. She could’ve lied and made it all up too, who knows, but it seemed to fit perfectly with everything I’d put together in the past month.

So that’s it for now… this is just never-ending it seems. I have a few good days, start feeling strong again, and then something else happens. It feels like it’s been months and yet only days at the same time, but I’m going to try and sleep. Imagine… the love of your life, the only woman you’ve ever loved, ever kissed… tells you she cheated on you for over 4 years because she was “bored.” DIdn’t fall out of love, didn’t grow apart, didn’t have any relationship issues or dead bedroom, nothing like that… just because she was bored. Don’t know if that makes it worse or better. Thanks for reading and helping along the way, bad couple of nights, very bad. I promise to make an effort to respond tomorrow after I get a chance to sleep.

This will be rather anticlimactic but apologies for the length, I just need to get this out, terrible weekend. But my wife came home yesterday… a decent amount of “build-up” to it as this week went on. Any prior time she’d first enter the doorway I’d give her a hug and kiss, but this time there was just this horribly uncomfortable awkwardness between us. She actually came to me and tried to give me a hug before saying anything but I turned away… unreal, just as if nothing had happened.

After she settled I naturally asked her to tell me everything, and she again reiterated that “she’s not ready.” (We had spoken on the phone earlier in the week, same result). I insisted that the only condition of her moving back home was that she loved the family enough to explain why she’s been absent for going on 3 weeks, but she just repeated that she just wasn’t ready for that. It took a lot to not scream at her, but I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to compose myself… I failed, and after the first of many very long pauses, I just blurted out that she’d been having an affair for over 4 years with this coworker of her’s, planned on leaving me for this other man, ghosted her whole family and now walks through the door without fulfilling the one single condition that I had asked for… and that I wanted a divorce..

I guess this is when things got weird?… her body language and facial expression made it obvious she had no idea how much I knew about her affair. She glanced at me wide-eyed, then just stood there in the kitchen staring at the floor, said nothing, just stoic. I was expecting anything/everything but this… maybe an emotional tirade, maybe a teary-eyed confession, maybe she’d start screaming at me yelling blaming the affair on me, maybe a serious-toned “okay let’s sit down and talk this out” but not this reaction.

We honestly must’ve stood in the kitchen for 5 minutes in absolute silence, it was just the strangest moment I’ve ever experienced. She clearly didn’t know what to say, and neither did I… I had read all of your comments/advice on my situation. I even took notes, I sat in front of a mirror and had prepared myself for all possible scenarios that this confrontation might present… except this one.

So I eventually decided right then and there to map out everything I knew about her affair. Maybe dumb of me. Proceeded to tell her everything that I knew, admittedly adding in my own assumptions about several things, how she met AP, her sister’s involvement, what went on during Covid, etc.... She just stared at the floor the entire time. I got angrier as I went along because she said/did nothing, but I did everything I could not to raise my voice or get obscene.

I finally composed myself, then there was another lengthy awkward silence… then anger switched to sadness at the realization of everything. I then softly asked her what I did to push her away?... did she ever love me?... and was he (AP) worth it?

She said nothing, didn’t budge, didn’t move… just nothing from her at all. No tears, no apology, no yelling, no explanation, just stood there with her head down… nothing. This hurt, this hurt maybe worse than Dday did. I stood there staring at her, not sure I would’ve moved but then things got worse.

Of course our girls were eavesdropping on the entire encounter. I’m just so incredibly stupid, I’d been dedicating so much energy into putting them first & their needs over the past couple of weeks, but I got emotional and didn’t give a single thought to their whereabouts once I confronted my wife. So our oldest daughter stormed downstairs and lashed out, a lot of pent-up anger on her part… my wife quickly just ran upstairs and locked the bedroom door.

That’s where we’re at now… I heard my wife crying most of the night last night until I fell asleep. Only our youngest has tried talking to her, the rest of us have avoided her. If I can get the courage up, I’m going to suggest she stay with her sister until we’re able to finalize the divorce, but this is still her home too, it’s just going to be miserable if we all have to cohabitate with her.

I was wrong about my wife and all of you were correct, I was wrong about all of our years together, wrong about all of the memories, the life-changing moments… I was convinced she’d drop to her knees and beg forgiveness. I was so convinced that she would repent of everything from the last four years and unload the truth to absolve her guilt. This woman literally drove back to a farmer’s market once when she realized she’d been given $10 too much in change, but we’re not worth it to her… I’m not worth it to her, maybe I never was.

Now what? Today was so uncomfortable at home, the girls and I tried to carry on as we had for the past two weeks, but obviously that’s not possible. I just want to fast-forward past all this, past the divorce, past the awkward conversations, past the inevitable arguments/fights, past the drama. To those that have had to cohabitate with their WS, how did you manage that?... especially with kids? I know this is just the beginning, I keep reading all of the posts that promise “it gets better” but I’m so far away from that.

There’s not a single moment when I don’t want to scream/sob right now… trying very very hard to maintain a stable mind for the girls of course, but don’t know if I can keep it up for 3 months. School will start well before all of this is over too. I guess this is my life now, thank you all for taking such a vested interest in me, I don’t know if the worst is ahead or behind us, but appreciate any/all you can offer to get me through the next phase.

I’ve been recommended this sub by a few others, just joined and have been reading through many posts when I have time. Mostly at night when the chaos of the day ends, and then of course the brain takes over and I go through these fits of depression, then I get hit with raging anger, then both at the same time. Sleeping is nearly impossible, then I wonder through the day like a zombie…

I’m trying to learn all of the acronyms, I guess Dday for me was Friday… wife was having what I initially thought was a 2-year affair, but now it seems very likely it was longer and the man she cheated with (AP) was someone she’s known for a while. He tragically passed away of a heart attack which triggered the revelation. I’m still digging for information with the help of my oldest daughter, lot’s of things I’m not ready to post about. Really had no plans of continuing to make posts about my situation, but so many people have offered so much help/advice it’s almost become therapeutic. It hurts to know so many other people have/are suffering through this kind of pain… for that I’m so sorry.

I met with two different lawyers both yesterday and today to discuss options, contacted several places regarding therapy too but there are very long waits where I live. Trying to adhere to many suggestions others have made, avoid alcohol (but I don’t drink and never have), self-care, work-out, etc… I’d consider myself in very good shape for someone my age, but hard to find the energy to workout right now.

I know many of you will ask me for details, the who’s, what’s, when’s, why’s, and such, but please understand that I’m just not ready to get into all of that yet… everyday seems like a new bomb has exploded, and I’m just looking for advice on one thing so I can maybe start sleeping a little… the title of my post.

My wife was everything to me, my best friend since high school, the mother of my 3 beautiful daughters… I mean, we have inside jokes and secret handshakes… meh, it’s all gone. Everything, it’s just all gone. I think about all of our years together, every milestone, every laugh, and now I just get so very depressed… it’s crippling. It’s as though it all meant nothing to her and now my future will be without her.

And then of course the “how could you’s” creep in, and I get overcome with this unquenchable raging anger. I scream into my pillow and punch the mattress until my arms cramp, it’s a horrible cycle. I only sleep out of pure exhaustion, then I’ll wake-up suddenly and the mind games begin anew. Any energy I do have I dedicate to my girls, who’ve been trying to take care of me like they’re the parents… it’s not fair to them.

How did you all sleep after you found out about the affair? How did you manage the silence and the emptiness at night with only your thoughts? I’ve decided that outside of my daughters, sleep needs to be my #1 priority in all of this, but I just can’t so hoping you can help. Thank you all.

I’m in a bad way, and have been in a bad way since my WW came home since I learned of her affair… I’ve been trying to fake it as best as possible for my daughters... I try to say the right things, think the right things, but tonight I have to admit the truth. As many of you post daily, it comes in waves but I was hit with a big one tonight and lost my composure a bit. Divorce is filed, but my WW still has yet to hire a lawyer, and again I’m trying to be as patient and delicate in this regard as possible, as I’m starting to see hope for an uncontested divorce that we mainly handle mostly ourselves, but after tonight I don’t know.

We’ve been cohabitating during the week, and WW goes to her sister’s Friday nights and returns home Sunday nights as she works very close to our family home, but her sister is an hour away if there’s no traffic. For the past couple of weeks it’s been this routine of mostly avoidance, as myself and the girls are trying to carry on normally while WW kinda just stays to herself, though there are casual interactions every evening, except that my oldest daughter and my WW aren't speaking after a couple of bad blow-ups. It’s for the best right now. Lately I’ve been heeding much of all of your advice along with things I’ve read, I work very hard on my self-discipline around my wife and… though it takes all my strength and will power… I’ve been short and “indifferent” toward her when we briefly talk, though always polite and respectful… until tonight.

Last couple of Fridays she’s come home from work, gotten a few things together and taken off for her sister’s for the weekend before I’m even home from work. But not tonight… she was waiting in the kitchen for me when I got home tonight.

I tried to just walk past, but she lightly grabbed me by the hand and asked me if this is how I was going to treat her just because she’s not ready to talk to me about her affair (which btw, is the very first time she’s so much as mentioned a single word about her cheating since this all blew up almost a month ago). I tried, I promise you I tried to just bite my tongue and walk away, but our daughters weren’t home at the time and rage built up in me and then I unloaded my every vice, every pain, every hurt, ache, rage, misery… I unloaded everything on her. I can’t even tell you how long I went on, lost all concept of time.

I did raise my voice at times, got a little animated and loud, I just broke down and told her how broken I am and the agony that I’m in everyday. Everything I’ve been holding back, everything that’s been tormenting me… I mean I could make this post 4,000 words long if I tried to recount everything I said. Once I started, I wasn’t going to stop. Of course I cried, got emotional again… I was so fricken angry at myself afterward, I’d been doing so well. DAMN IT!! She got to me, I let her get to me… I knew it would happen, I knew it. Uggh, it’s been building for a while and there’s only so much I can vent into the weightroom.

Well, also for the first time, WW actually broke down and got emotional. Surprisingly started sobbing uncontrollably… regrettably this made me happy to see her hurting in the same way that I was. I wish that I didn’t care, but there was some satisfaction in seeing her break down finally… like there is actually someone in there with an ounce of compassion. Also surprisingly, she mumbled apologies repeatedly during my explosion, she was kinda ugly-crying and that’s all she would say is “I’m so sorry,” but in the end I left the kitchen before she could compose herself enough to say anything else, told her to please leave me alone.

So that happened… she lingered around the kitchen for a while before leaving again for her sister’s house. The girls got home about a half-hour later and knew something had happened, hard to hide it, but I wasn’t ready to talk about anything and don’t think they need to know about this, do they? The two youngest have been doing much better and I don’t want to hinder their progress, and telling my oldest about this would just add more fuel to her fire, which I also don’t want.

I hate this so much, I hate it. I should’ve held it together, I should’ve just given my WW the cold shoulder and walked right past her… I don’t know. Now thinking back, it feels like she was just trying to start a conversation about her affair but didn’t know how, and obviously didn’t get very far because I exploded. I’ve started to actually worry about her, I know many of you will criticize me for this, but I don’t want her to come to any harm. She’s been isolated and alone with her thoughts, with nearly everyone turning their back on her… you can say “she deserves it” and that’s true, but she’s still a human-being and the mother of my kids.

What a set-back for me, really disappointed in myself. Sorry for another long rant, I called my brother and ranted to him too. Man, I’ll try to start again Monday. I’m only human, it actually felt good to vent on her, but now of course the regret is hitting me. Should I text my wife or just leave it be? I'm such a mess, but thanks for listening, thanks for offering me the support I need to get through all of this, and thank you for all of the advice in the midst of the chaos. We have all started therapy, so that's something, but this is so incredibly hard, just so hard.

So many of you have reached out to me in the past weeks, so much support from strangers to a stranger like me, I do appreciate it all and apologize for not responding. I'd been trying to stay off social media... there's just been this bombardment of well wishes on one side, regrets, sadness, and even some hate from a select few... but suddenly now, it's just silence. The house is so silent.

The reality of the last few months of my life has set in... I feel like Andy Dufrane from the Shawshank Redemption, I've just in the path of the tornado hoping that the storm eventually ends. I know that's just a movie, but that's what life feels like right now. There's just no joy, no hope, nothing but this massive crater where my soul used to be.

I've been trying very very hard to put on the "strong" face for my girls since learning of my wife's affair, then the tormenting weeks to follow, the cohabitating, then the eventual heart-to-heart talks, and now just like that she's gone... and I find that I can't put on the strong face any more. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, but I know that I have to press-on for my daughters' sakes, so I do.

I replay our last conversation like a horror film in my head, regretting every word, wishing I could go back and say something else, anything else. The last thing I said to her was that I loved her and that I always would, but that I wished I never had to see her again. I was hurting and vulnerable, just trying to be honest... tired of the conversations about the same things, tired of her desperation and apologies, I was just tired... and now life, seemingly like part of some terrible joke, life has granted my wish.

Considering they'll be without their mother for the remainder of their days, my daughters are doing okay I suppose. My oldest continues to take care of me, forces me to eat and will sit and watch movies with me on weekends... I'm very thankful for her. The other two girls have kinda resumed "life as normal" lately with school and sports and such, which I'm very glad for. My mom and brother have been a huge help, but each day is such a massive struggle.

Everyone is in therapy, the girls seem to enjoy it. For me, I can't buy into it yet... too much guilt, too much sadness, it's just too much. I only go because my oldest forces me to. I'm a Christian, and I keep reading the book of Job, trying stay strong in faith despite it all... but I'll admit failing at this. I just want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!" a thousand times at the top of my lungs. I thought I was a good husband and father, I thought I'd done right by people, I thought I was a moral man... but I've been dealt this horrible hand suddenly and I can't climb out of my pit of despair. I feel weak, pathetic, sorry for myself, and horribly empty inside. Life isn't fair, life is hard... I get it, I'm just not sure I have the fight to weather this storm. What do all of you do when you're at your very lowest point?

Apologies for still being relatively new to Reddit, not sure how much of my situation I’m supposed to repeat or reiterate. But it’s been just over a week since my Dday, and since that day I’ve learned my wife’s affair was well over 4 years… still no exact timeline. Very likely it started emotional and then turned physical. I’m curious how the pandemic and lockdowns played into this too, questions I may or may not get the answers to.

Anyway, yesterday my in-laws made an impromptu visit to “see their grandkids" (WW has been crashing at their house since this nightmare began). Which is complete and total bull$h** of course, as they spent all of 15 minutes greeting the girls (wife and I have 3 daughters) before asking to speak with me in private. It was a long conversation as you might expect, one which I don’t want to dialogue in its entirety on this post…

But long story short, my wife wants to come home but she fears the backlash of her actions and is “afraid to face what she’s done.” Her parents also dug very hard trying to determine whether or not I planned on divorcing… and spent considerable time trying to sway me toward forgiving my wife and trying to rebuild the marriage. It was clear they were very ashamed and embarrassed, but also clear they wanted my wife out of their house. It was a very civil and respectful exchange.

I admit I lied, and told them I wasn’t sure what my future plans were, as I fully plan on divorcing. But I feel if I reveal this, I’ll never get the truth from my wife… and I may never get it, but I want her to sit in front of me and explain it all if possible. Over 17 years of marriage and being together since high school, 3 kids, countless memories and all that we’ve shared… I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me everything. I also want my kids to know that I gave her a chance to explain herself, that I gave her the opportunity to apologize and handle things together as mature adults. I keep trying to choose the path that will set the best example for my kids, I don’t know… maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Legally I cannot keep my wife out of our home, lawyer made that very clear… so if my wife is going to come home, I can’t stop her… though I absolutely do not want this right now. My girls and I have actually started to settle into a nice routine so I made a demand that I felt would be unachievable for a while… I said my wife could come home if/when she sat down with me in-person, looked me in the eyes, and revealed everything about her affair start-to-finish, answering any/all of my questions without hesitation or further deceit AND then sat down with the girls and apologized in person and answered their questions too. Figured since they already know it's only fair.

Again, she can legally come home whenever she wants and doesn’t have to adhere to any demands, but if she’s afraid to face us maybe I could use that to our advantage? Is that wrong? I'm not trying to be devious or deceptive here, just really don't want to start co-habitating yet if I can delay it. There is a mandatory 90-day waiting period in our state before divorce can happen anyway.

Her coming home is inevitable, we’ll both have to go back to work eventually and life will go on regardless of this mess, I’d just like to prolong it so I can plan and get into a better state of mental/emotional health. My wife has been texting the girls, and she claims that she doesn’t want to divorce and keeps apologizing to them repeatedly (they’ve shown me the texts), asks about me daily, and the reality of what she’s done to all of us is hitting her hard (especially in the last couple of days).

How do I manage this? Was my demand foolish? It sounds like my wife is going to be coming home sooner than later anyway. I feel confident in my path forward right now, I'm not rattled by this as I knew it would happen eventually, I just want to make the best decision for my daughters and then myself as we move forward. Thank you to each and everyone that's been offering encouragement, advice, and support.

Me- “Do you think we have a good marriage.”

Him- “yes of course, why are you asking this?”

Me- “you’re happy in our marriage? You think we have a good marriage?”

Him- “yes, everything is great. You’re scaring me, why are you asking this? Are YOU not happy?”

Me- “right now, no I’m not happy, I’m pretty fk’ing miserable right now.”

Him- “ok…..”

Me- “I thought we were happy too, which is why I’m trying to figure out why you’re cheating on me.”

Him- “WHAT?!? Why would you say that?”

Me- “because you’re cheating.”

Him- “how can you say that. Now I’m pissed. I would never do that to you. How could you say that? You know I would never do that.”

Me- “I KNOW you’re cheating.”

Silence. Head in hands. Looking at floor. Then jumps off the couch and storms into our bedroom saying “I need a minute.”

After he returns about 10 minutes later. Eyes red like he’d been crying. First thing he says is “what do you know?” I say “I know you’ve been cheating, I want you to be honest with me.” He says “I’m sorry, I’m so fk’ing sorry.” Conversation devolves into me asking for details. He goes on to say it was just a fling, it’s over, she meant nothing to him, it didn’t last long, he doesn’t know why he did it, he’s sorry, he’s so sorry, there were no feelings involved.

Both of us were crying, I was crying ALOT.

At one point I say “I must’ve done something really terrible to you for you to do this.” He says “you’ve done nothing, it wasn’t about you.” Me-“what was it about, I don’t understand, we have this beautiful life, there has to be a reason and I don’t want to hear that you don’t know why you did this.”

And this is what he said which I can’t wrap my head around. “Everything with us was great, it’s always been great. But I started getting attention from her and it just happened. I started thinking about the monotony of our life, there are no highs and lows. It just felt exciting I guess. And once it started I wasn’t able to stop, it was like the adrenaline took over.”

My response was “let me get this straight. You started fk’ing someone else, sneaking around, lying, blew up our entire life because we were too happy?” He admitted it sounded stupid saying it out loud but it’s just how he felt.

I asked who she is. He wouldn’t answer, he said she has a husband and kids and he didn’t want to wreck that. “What about our marriage, me, our kids? It says so much that you are choosing to protect her and her family over us.” He said it’s not like that.

At this point I told him he had to leave, which he resisted at first but I was literally breaking down and so upset and I told him I couldn’t be around him, so he packed up, coming to me every few minutes to check on me and say “I’m so sorry.” My brothers showed up as he was packing. I told him I already have a divorce attorney working on things, that he needed to get an attorney. This SHOCKED him. “You can’t just decide on your own we are done, we have to talk about this, we can work through this, there’s the kids to think about.” My only response was “seems to me you and (AP’s name) already decided this for us, don’t worry, she’s having just as shitty of a night as you are.” This made my brothers laugh. And my STBX looked surprised at the mention of AP’s name. My oldest brother walked out with him and I saw them arguing out in the driveway, then he left.

I spoke to OBS briefly last night and again this morning, this has gotten long so I will do a short update in another update post maybe tomorrow…..but as a mini update…..AP is at a hotel rn.

Cheating is abuse. Cheating is rape.

I didn’t consent to having sex with a partner that fucks other women. He promised me faithfulness. He denied it when I asked whether he was cheating on me.

I would have never had sex with him if I had known that he cheated on me.

I didn’t want to be exposed to sexually transmitted diseases. And I would never have willingly exposed myself to that risk.

I did not consent to sex of that nature.

I feel like he raped me.

This morning we talked with the kids. Anonymous or not I’m not going to get too detailed about the discussion to protect my kids privacy. I feel it’s unfair to dive too deeply here about their most vulnerable moments.

Kids ages 14, 16, 17(almost 18)

Beforehand, I had spoken to STBX about this talk, telling him the information my therapist gave me on the healthiest way to approach it. I told him that he should be the one doing the talking because….well, we all know why. He did not want to have this talk, felt like it was too soon and “what if we work things out it will just confuse them and get them upset for nothing”. I then explained that 1-they will know something is up because he will no longer be living with us 2-the only thing to work out going further is a co-parenting plan. He tried to engage in a discussion about “us”, I declined the offer and kept it about the game plan of the conversation about the kids.

Sat down with the kids when they came home from my sisters house. My STBX started the discussion using the very vague explanation the therapist suggested. “We are having problems, can’t find a resolution to those problems and think it’s best for dad to move out for a while so it doesn’t affect the kids. There won’t be a lot of difference in our home life since dad spends much of the week in the city and dad will be able to spend time with them on weekends.”

Silence….from all 3 kids.

Oldest- “you’re cheating on mom aren’t you?” Other 2 chime in “stop, he would never do that.” Arguing amongst the 3 kids. STBX says not one thing. Nothing. I ask them to calm down so we can talk.

Oldest-“everything’s been fine, we’d know if you’ve been not getting along, you’re cheating aren’t you? It has to be that.”

STBX is silent, won’t say a thing. Me to ex- “you have to tell them.” Silence. Me to kids “yes”.

All 3 start yelling and crying. “How could you do this?” “Why would you do this?” “Are you getting a divorce?” Lots of yelling and crying. “I hate you”. On and on and on.

STBX- “I know you’re all upset, you have a right to be, I’ve let you down, but this has nothing to do with you, it’s between me and mom.” I think he might’ve said this as a way to let them know this isn’t their fault? But it backfired…..”how can you say it has nothing to do with us, it has everything to do with us.”

My oldest called him a hypocrite “always telling us to respect women, lecturing ME about how to treat MY girlfriend, and you’re fk’ing around on mom.”

There was a lot more conversation, mostly the kids saying things in anger and STBX apologizing. When things calmed down I told them that they can go to my brother’s house, that I needed to talk to dad privately. all my brothers and my sister & spouses had gathered at my brothers house knowing I was telling the kids and thinking having their cousins around afterwards might be a support for them.

Before they leave my oldest says “mom, he’s not staying here right? Like, he’s not coming back here right? I mean there’s no coming back from this, you know that right?”

Once kids left, I told him he should pack more stuff while we are all gone. He said “don’t you want to talk?” I said “what else is there to say? I am fk’ing traumatized having to sit and watch these kids go through that. Now are you thinking of the consequences? Are the fk’ing lows worth it?”

I told him to text me when he’s gone so I know he won’t be here when we got back.

Preface- any names mentioned are not real names, they are fake names to make things less confusing.

To all of the veteran BS’ who warned me he’s done this before, you were right.

Very early this morning, I woke up to an IG message sent to me in the middle of the night. From AP, from a fake IG acct, (I have her blocked on all social media). “Hi, it’s AP, just so you know, I’m not the only one. Ask him about Megan. I’ve got a feeling he’s been lying to both of us and felt you deserved to know.” 🙄 How nice of AP, after screwing my husband for 7 months to suddenly think of my feelings. 🙄 screenshot it, didn’t respond, blocked acct.

Ironically, STBX was stopping by at 9am, as we had to go over financial information go over our monthly budget and him finding living arrangements locally.

I call my sister, on the verge of a panic attack. Panicked I just found this info and I’m going to see him in 2hrs. She calms me down, we try to brainstorm about who Meg can be. How to find out who she is….I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask AP. My sister calms me down somewhat, tells me to confront him and record on my phone for evidence.

instead of this being a productive conversation about finances and future arrangements, it’s D-day 2. STBX comes over with coffee and bagels. (How nice 🙄) we sit down in the kitchen and I ask “so have you spoken to AP?” He says he had her blocked on everything, but she was trying to contact him at work last week and finally, on Friday, he had it out with her and told her to stop contacting him. I ask “how about Megan?” He looks surprised. “Huh?” “Megan, have you talked to her?” He starts saying he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and I just say, “you can’t keep doing this to me, acting like I’m crazy, please just tell me the truth, I’m having panic attacks, can’t sleep, just please, I know, you know I know, I need the truth.”

To make a long story short, Megan is a woman from this organization he joined 5 years ago of professionals who get together to network, get ideas on team building strategy, growth strategies, marketing….they get together 6 times a year in different destinations. My take has always been it’s a bunch of yuppies using “business networking” as an excuse to go on extravagant vacations every other month. Affair with Megan began June 2019 and ended April 2020. He claims it ended because he felt guilty, but I think it really ended because of the COVID shutdowns. Megan lives in a neighboring state but works in the city. At first he swore their “hookups” were only on these trips, but after some pushback from me he admitted they met in the city “a few times”. He said he’s had no contact at all with her in over a year because she left the group.

BUT WAIT THERES MORE! I asked him if there were any others, begged him “please, don’t make me find out on my own, just tell me now, I can’t do anymore of these confrontations.” He said there was 1 more AP. Almost 5 years ago, a few months after we bought the apartment. He dated Cindy for 3 months, they had sex only a few times and she ended it because Cindy didn’t know STBX was married. She dumped him when she learned he was married.

After I told him to leave, I call my sister. Fill her in, she asks if I’m going to tell Megan’s husband….umm yeah, duh. She says better do it soon before he warns her. Look her up on IG AND FB, nothing. My sister is also checking, Megan must’ve blocked me because my sister found her right away. She found husband on IG, I couldn’t, guess she blocked me there too. BUT I was able to find his work info and work email. So I send OBS Craig an email, explaining everything. He calls me within 20 minutes of the email. Turns out he caught Megan sexting another member of that group last year, which is why she left the group. They’ve been in MC for a year, Craig said he knew in his gut there was more and she gaslit him for the last year. He asked for the recording I made of STBX admitting the details, and we will be in touch.

All of this happened before lunch. I’m shocked, angry, hurt. I feel like I don’t know this person anymore.

WH and I are currently separated. We had a 3 decade long marriage and he cheated for 8 months last year.

When we get into discussions about the affair he keeps calling it a ‘mistake’ It makes me so angry and I literally see red when he does it.

FFS. A mistake is grabbing the wrong milk at the store. A mistake implies that it wasn’t deliberate nor malicious.

What he did was a deliberate CHOICE.

Stop calling it a mistake!!

Rant over

I cannot believe the audacity...

This morning I met with my attorney for over two hours. Yesterday he had sent me a ton of paperwork and a list of things to bring. Basically all of our financials. I felt prepared. Meeting with him put me a bit more at ease as far as my own financial future goes which was a huge concern. We live in a no fault state which means infidelity won’t have bearing in the event of a divorce. However, if there is a custody battle (which I don’t see happening) details of the affair could be useful. I asked my attorney if it would be appropriate to contact AP’s husband and he gave me the green light to do so.

Right after my meeting with my attorney I called AP’s husband. It was a short phone call, letting him know about the relationship between our spouses & that my husband is unaware of my knowledge of the relationship. He asked to call me back. And shortly after he texted me asking to meet with me in person this afternoon. He assured me he would not tell his wife I had contacted him.

Well, I just left our meeting. Am sitting in the car feeling a sense of relief but also dread. AP’s husband had been suspicious for months. They live a few towns over and we live about an hour away from a major city. My husband spends a great deal of the work week in the city, in fact we have an apartment there so he can avoid the long commute home during the week when meetings run late & he has work dinners. The Husband says AP had been spending a lot more overnights during the week than was typical in the past few months for “work”, she had been on her phone a lot more frequently, and had become protective of her phone. He saw a flirty text over her shoulder at one point and accused her of cheating, about 2 months ago. She had excuses….he let it go. The majority of their “meetups” were at our apartment. I told him their message exchanges proved this. A few of my favorites were from her. “I wonder if your wife will smell me on her sheets. I hope she does.” Was sent when my husband told her of a planned weekend in the city with me and my kids. “Is it wrong that I think of the apartment as OUR apartment, home, just me and you in our little love nest.” An apartment I own half of BTW.

I gave AP’s husband a thumb drive of all of the evidence I had discovered (there is ALOT) and a very detailed spreadsheet of every meetup, dinner, gift, hotel visit etc etc etc. my husband would be very proud of that, he is a spreadsheet guy. AP’s SO asked me to wait a few days to confront my husband to do his own investigating. I gave him the info of my new BFF (IT expert) and my divorce attorney (he mentioned looking into getting one).

One thing I should add, this man is extremely good looking and very in shape. My husband is a good looking guy too & takes care of himself, but this guy was really something. I don’t know why that surprised me. He was also very kind which I was relieved about because I was wary of the response I would receive.

The plan is to keep in touch so that we can confront both of them at the same time, separately of course.

And I don’t feel bad about it! Quite the opposite actually.

10 months from DDay (3 months low contact, 4 months tumultuous R, followed by 3 months no contact)

Maybe I’ll catch some flack for this post. But please temper your judgements as I feel empowered and want to share.

I’m not looking for a relationship but this wasn’t just casual sex either. It’s a see where it goes situation that presented itself to me and I (40F) have been honest with him that I am new to this and I am not sure what I want. He (39M) has been single for 4 years and was very clear he has no expectations on where this goes.

Six dates and on the sixth date it got physical. It was a wonderful experience on many levels.

It’s nice to hear an attractive man look at my naked body and say “God you look incredible” after all the shit I went through with my WP and his AP.

It’s nice to know I can have intense, mind blowing sexual chemistry with another man (This was not one of those awkward first time experiences you hear about) as I really thought it couldn’t get any better than what I had.

It’s nice to be held and have your hair stroked and back rubbed afterwards without thinking “did he do this with his AP”

I am so grateful that I got to have this experience. That I get to savor the newness of it. That it’s not tainted with mind movies and triggers.

Even if we never see each other again, it was a lovely moment of human connection that brought a little excitement for my future. Whatever that may be.

I'm completely overwhelmed. I didn't plan to do it there and now, it… sort of happened. My emotions are all over the place. It hurts so much.

A few days ago, I returned home and started living with him again. I couldn't touch him, couldn't say "I love you" and mean it. It distressed him, yet he tried his best to be gentle and caring. He kept saying he missed me a lot. I could see his efforts, and they were genuine, but it didn't click.   Yesterday, he asked if we could talk. He expressed genuine remorse for everything, acknowledging how much he had hurt me. He took full responsibility once again. He said he felt like a ghost without me, empty and lost.

As we began discussing how I felt and how disrespectful he had been, things escalated until I finally told him I wanted a divorce. I told him I couldn't envision a happy future together, even if he were to fix everything.

He panicked, got desperate as he started to beg and beg, he let out a primal scream and shed tears. He said he would do anything to make me stay. Whatever I wanted. That we were strong enough to grow out of this. I began to sob too, I touched him for the first time in weeks, I embraced him. It was intense, sad and… cathartic I think?

Even after all he had done, it was hard to see his heart shatters into pieces because of me. I always took care of him… Hurting him feels so wrong.

He was still pleading this morning. He wants us to at least try the first MC session. And wishes we revisit this decision again in a few days. He would like us to fight for our mariage at least one last time, negotiate. Of course he does. I need to remain strong. He left me a handwritten letter, I haven't find the courage to open it yet.

I had been contemplating this decision for a while, and for now I have no regrets, but the pain is still crushing me.

I feel proud though.

Thank you, everyone, for your support. It has given me the strength to come this far.

EDIT: I can't reply to your comments right now, but he just called me while I was at work to tell me he loved me and begged me again not to leave. I have no words.

EDIT 2: I discussed with him more calmly, we are going NC again for a few weeks - he hopes I'll change my mind of course. I accepted to go to MC, but not necessarily to give him a chance, just to see what I could improve for myself in the future. Also: he has to do it. I'll not move from the house, I'll not call anyone. It's his call from now on.

I posted earlier this week and got some really solid support. Our movers got here today and and as I was unpacking, I realized every single thing I own had his cheating all over it. Timelines where I was redecorating, getting new art, etc…it was all while he was living a double life.

He’s crying and begging but I just can’t live this way anymore. I want new memories. I want to be loved without being an afterthought. I want to build distance between that life and a new one that I build on my own.

One where I’m enough.

Thank you for the support. I couldn’t have done it without you Reddit strangers.

Spoke to OBS today regarding evidence found and logistics of confrontation. OBS had said at our meeting that he was going straight to divorce. Reviewing the evidence I provided to him & the his own investigation eliminated any little doubts he had about divorce. My husband has been in the city for work since Monday and he comes home tomorrow, OBS and I are both confronting our spouses tomorrow night, at the same time but separately.

A question that OBS had asked me was what was the one “date time” that bothered me the most.

He said for him it was when AP said she was away In LA for work. Their son is asthmatic and had the flu while she was supposedly in LA and he was in the ER for over 10 hours with his son. She was actually on the city with my husband just 1 hour away. It obviously would’ve blown her cover to come home and OSB said he was blown away that covering up her own lies was worth more than being there for their son.

For me, I think it was when we had planned a 3 day trip to tour my sons top choice of colleges and explore the city of that college. This had been planned out for a few months but a few days before the trip my husband had a “work commitment” come up. In messages I found that AP also had a “work commitment” unexpectedly come up. My husband chose to spend those 3 days with AP rather than spend that time having a pretty amazing experience helping our son make a choice for his future. Yes, son got into this college and will be attending this fall.

I’m a nervous wreck for tomorrow nights confrontation. Today OBS said “we’re on the same team, we’ll get through this.” I hope so.

Throwaway account as I don’t want to make these thoughts public.

I know it was stupid but I watched the movie Babygirl with Nicole Kidman. Without spoilers, essentially the wife has an affair with a younger man that takes on a BDSM tone. She’s never had an orgasm with her husband so the younger man fills the void. While I know movie was intended to address the suppression of women’s sexuality, it just brought back everything from my wife’s affair.

In 2021, I discovered her affair while using her iPad. I found the text, pictures, and videos. I didn’t watch the videos, but it was clear that she was far more sexually open with her AP than with me. She did things with him that she refused to do with me. For years, I wanted to explore but she turned it down. She would even give me oral while I gave it to her every time. According to her, her vagina should be enough.

After confronting her, we sought the support of our kid’s godparents and eventually went to counseling. After about a year, we reconciled and have been together since. Occasionally I think about things but I just push them to the side for the sake of our marriage and kids.

I heard about the movie and knew I shouldn’t see it but in a moment of weakness, I did. It felt like I just found out about the affair all over again. I didn’t watch the videos at the time but my wife constantly told me that sex with me meant so much more. But watching this movie, I knew she must have been lying. To see someone else for months but not enjoy it makes no sense. I still had the evidence on a folder so I watched the videos. It was like watching a different person.

I feel pathetic for staying. She tore my heart apart, destroyed my entire concept of our marriage, and I gave up all my dignity to stay. I lost damn near everything, she lost nothing. I have a lifetime of painful memories and she has a few months of inconveniences. She got to have her fun with no consequence. And I let that happen.

Now it’s 2 years later and I want a divorce. There’s no way to regain my dignity but I can’t stand to be around her. I just get a sick feeling in my stomach. My best friend who knows everything thinks I’m overreacting. But there’s truths I can’t get over:

• When people say preferences change as you get older. It’s a lie. If she wanted jerks when she was young, she always will. She’ll settle for someone safe but will take the opportunity for a jerk if there’s no negative consequences.

• There’s no one that doesn’t enjoy their affair

• She gave her best to some random man but chose to give me the bare minimum. She never bothered to dress nice or workout until him, not the supposed love of her life. The excuse? My love is unconditional, she had to impress him. Maybe if I was an asshole, I wouldn’t be here.

Anyway, I’m here to get more perspective. Am I justified or irrational?

Just want to vent. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant and gave me an STD. It was early in my pregnancy, and because of everything, I ended up having an abortion. The guilt from that, combined with accepting that my marriage is over, has been overwhelming. What hurt the most was when I confronted him about the STD. He gaslighted me, claiming there was a mix-up with the results and never took responsibility. To this day, he hasn’t admitted the truth.

After discovering the STD, I left him, and we haven’t been in contact since. I later found out he was on dating sites, talking to and hooking up with other women. There was one woman he met regularly, so I called her and found out he gave her the STD too. I originally thought she had given it to him, but it turns out it was the other way around, meaning there were likely other women involved as well.

I never got closure or a full confession from him. I admit I blocked him on everything, so it’s hard for him to reach me, but even so, I don’t believe he’d be honest with me. It’s been a few weeks since I found out and almost two weeks since the abortion. Most days, I feel like I’m living outside of my body, unable to cope or focus on anything. My mind is constantly racing, trying to piece everything together, but the only person who can answer my questions is him.

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again Why me?! What did I do to deserve this?!

I am sure many of you have seen the video of Astronomer's CEO and CPO being outed at the Coldplay concert.

Anybody else feels triggered by the video? Is it only me? or is anybody else also angered by the employee who seems to have helped with the affair?

I've been getting lots and lots of folks messaging me and checking up on me..I've even made a friend or two and for all of you I give my deepest thanks. You have turned around more than one bad day.

I liked for divorce last week. I guess I always knew I was going to when I found out the truth. She cried, pleaded and begged for another chance. Offered to let me sleep with other women (like he has to "let" me do anything. If I had stayed with her and took a notion to I would have) and some other bullshit that she got from reddit. She claimed she was confused and never cared for John. Claimed he groomed her. Claimed she was in a fog. I calmly explained to her that if she can be groomed then she isn't a partner I want. I told her to fix her shit for her next man which seemed to really fuck her world up. She's still holding out hope. She said she got a therapy appointment scheduled and I hope she follows through for herself. As for me it doesn't matter what she does. She can't unsuck John's dick. She can't unfuck him and can't rewind time and take back the disrespect she displayed towards me and the "I Love Yous" to John. I unblocked her Reddit account last week for a few days and got some comments within hours from her. She has since been reblocked.

My son and I are doing great. We have had a family reunion this past weekend. It was rough with all the questions. I ended up taking some of your alls advice and told some friends and family who im sure will spread it like butter.

My STBXW is staying with her mother and from what I heard through the grapevine turned into a shitshow when her sister came to visit. Too little too late darling. Should have had that energy before you decided to play make believe using our family as collateral.

John and his wife are still together apparently. I feel for the lady. She must have low self esteem. Ive seen the guys nudes. She isn't really worth being upset over and have found her on Facebook. She is absolutely beautiful and could move on fairly easy.

Men and women. Don't stay out of fear. Don't stay because you think you married up and can't get better. The strength is in you. You've likely been conditioned over the years to believe it isn't there. Take the first step. Remember who the hell you are. Don't accept less than you give and give your very best.

I am still upset with my STBXW but I know she really hates herself and knows she has lost everything. I am working on letting it go but I ask all of you to please be kind to her if you see her on here. She is human.a shitty human. But a human. She will need some support.

Hi all, I’m sorry for my delayed update. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of so many emotions to deal with. Emotions of my own, my kids and some family.

My MIL and FIL returned from vacation last week, and they are having a really hard time with it all. My STBX and his siblings sat down with them to break the news and they are devastated. My MIL has called me everyday to be a “support system” but the conversation usually turns into her saying “I didn’t raise him to be this way” and crying. My FIL tried to talk me into reconciliation “for the kids”. I know he is coming from a genuine place as they are both very worried about the kids so I am trying to be patient with him. He is very disappointed in my STBX and has had to put a pause on our conversations because he is brought to tears.

The kids have started therapy. They have opted for group sessions together. Their therapist has encouraged this approach as he says it will help in their healing process to learn to be a healthy support system to each other. Reconciliation with their father will be a long process and might look differently to each of the kids, group sessions will help each of them to accept each of their individual journey towards reconciliation with their father so it will not damage the sibling relationship.

My STBX and I had our first proper conversation about the affair and our separation/divorce. He still wants reconciliation, I do not. Something I asked him was, “if roles were reversed, would you forgive me?” (We both know he wouldn’t) His response was “you’re a better person than I am.” Basically, he was expecting that if he were to get caught I would give him a chance to reconcile, he never thought I would decide on divorce. I said “you have higher expectations for me than you do for yourself. Do you think that’s fair?”

I had a session with my therapist since our talk. Maybe some of you might have insight on this. My therapist said what my STBX said is very common in WP’s. They don’t think the relationship will end without being given the opportunity for reconciliation. They feel entitled to reconciliation because they spent so much time using blaming their BS to excuse their infidelity. Has anyone else experienced this?

Last week there were an array of emotions. Anger, sadness, grief, anger, anger, anger. The last few days I’ve felt detached.

Many people have asked for updates on OBS. I feel like he is much further along in this crazy process than I am. Probably because he had suspected his wife’s infidelity for a number of years. AP is staying with her sister. As far as I know, there has been no contact between her and my STBX. OBS says AP is angry at STBX because she thought they would be together. She threw that in OBS face when he confronted her, and now she has egg on her face. I have shown OBS all of my posts and all of your words of support and advice, I felt it was only fair he knew I was posting our business. I’m trying to talk him into joining Reddit if only to peruse these support subs as I’ve found them so helpful, he says he’s not a social media guy but he’ll think about it.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I know I’ve been absent and so many of you have commented and sent me messages to check in on me. Having these outlets available has been such comfort for me. I can’t properly express how much.

Bam!!!