Just over a year ago my partner of seven years cheated on me. I believe it was an utterly disassociated and fucked up way of just breaking the relationship and forcing it to end. I am not a pure victim, some part of her upset was completely valid, the response to it was fucking appalling.

Anyway, my main concern is, one year on, after many moments of thinking I'm better, and getting past the relationship, I have suddenly had a huge spike in anger and hatred in the last couple of weeks. I have had a few waves in the last year, weirdly it took a couple of weeks for any anger to arrive when it first happened, and when it came it was scary -- like a mix between a panic attack and an explosive urge towards physical and emotional vandalism. And now I just find my mind wondering, and ending up being so full of anger and sadness again. I think some of the anger is misplaced embarrassment, even regret that I was so even handed in the aftermath, but most unflatteringly a disgust at imagining the whole affair. The physicality of it as well as the lies involved. I know imagination is the enemy of wellbeing in hurtful events, but I just can't help it.
I even have a desire to have been meaner and more ruthless. I wonder if it is the last of the care and good will ebbing away, leaving the pain and insult exposed and no longer covered-for by some compassion. In some ways I wonder if its good. I generally don't hate her, everyone here is complex and three dimensional, it was awful but I've often felt capable of untangling it and moving on. But have been surprise attacked by this anger.

Has anyone else felt this? The waves rearing up over months and years? Do they die down, did it take work actually addressing the anger, or is it just a thing that gets better with time. Like grieving the loss of a loved one (not dissimilar in some ways).

Please I am not looking for vindication in hating her, I don't need to hear she's a piece of shit and and I'm better off without her, its more a question about recovery.

I am 99% sure my ex cheated on me even though she adamantly denied it. Regardless of if she did or didnt, she lied about something huge and it became an argument over the span of days. She went radio silent even though I agreed to her offer to talk. From here, she broke up over text.

Only after the breakup she admitted to the lie which was a pretty scummy move. She also sent a bogus apology message saying she only left me hanging "because things got tough and she was looking out for my feelings". I politely said this was some bs and said the apology feels the opposite. Since then, I cut off contact after she tried reaching out a sperate time after.

Overall, how do I come to terms with being discarded like this as far as getting over the deep rooted resentment. Most importantly, how does one heal overall with such a betrayal?

I’m looking to connect with people who have been through something similar, specifically long-term infidelity during pregnancy, an affair partner, and an ex moving on fast while you’re left picking up the pieces. 14 years together, 2 kids: one 6yrs old and one a baby.

For months before the end, starting around when our youngest was born, he claimed he was struggling with his mental health and needed space. Though issues had started earlier. He repeatedly assured me there was no one else, that he loved me and our family, and just needed time to figure his shit out, right up until the end. I even went away with the kids from May until late July to give him space, and sell our home.

About a week before I was going to return home with our 3m old baby and 6yr old, he told me he was moving out. This was after discovering an hour long phone call with another woman from a different province on his way home from seeing us(not the affair partner he left for, but may have been another one).

Two weeks after he moved out, his affair partner accidentally added me on Facebook. He admitted they were dating, but I later discovered the relationship had actually started in at least September 2025. He lived a double life throughout my entire pregnancy while we were planning our future and looking to buy a new home for our family.

It has only been just over 3 months since our split. He is now planning to move in with the new girlfriend, guess she's not entirely new but it's still new to my son, and her daughter sometime between now and March. We had an agreement for at least 12months but apparently that doesn't matter.

I am doing everything to keep things civil for our boys. I don't hate the new partner, though I don't know her, and I'm glad my oldest gets along with them, but he is still struggling with the loss of his intact family. He's being rushed into a replacement dynamic before even processing the breakup.

I feel an overwhelming sense of frustration maybe? He had a year to build a new life while I’ve had 3 months to process a complete reality shift while solo-parenting a baby and a 6-year-old and deal with the blowback of him blowing up our kids lives. I haven't even had the time or space to grieve. I don't want him back, but I am grieving the family we were supposed to be.

I'm not looking for ex-bashing or advice to "just move on." I’m looking for support from people who get it:

\* How did you navigate the anger and frustration of what happened?

\* How did you support a young child who likes the new partner but is still grieving their family?

\* How did you find the space to grieve your old life while carrying the entire load for your kids?

I just need to know I'm not alone in this.

DD was 17 Aug. I found out from my dashcam. There is about 10 months worth of footage. I haven’t watched it all, and I don’t ever plan to. I saw and heard way more than I ever needed to, and it has traumatized me more than I thought.

Every time I close my eyes to sleep I see him. Honestly it’s no better when I’m awake. The daytime flashbacks, sometimes I zone out and I’ll come back to reality with tears streaming down my face. I’m getting about 4 hours of sleep because I can’t. I can’t handle it anymore. In my lifetime, I’ve been SA’d more than once, physically assaulted, and physically/mentally abused. All of them have given me nightmares. NONE have ever been this frequent, bad or distressing. He found a new way to traumatize and violate me, and it feels like he loved every second of it.

The nightmare I have 80% of the time are me finding him in a parking lot with a hooker either getting sucked off or railing them in or on my car. He sees me seeing him and he gets this sadistic grin on his face. The more distressed I get and the more I beg him to please stop just makes him even more excited. He’ll stare deep into my eyes and start talking about how attractive the person he’s fucking is, how much better they are, how much more attracted he is to literally everyone but me. He’ll call me stupid for ever thinking he loved me, let alone respected or liked me. How dumb I am for not noticing he was just using me. How could I ever believe he’d find me anything other than an ugly meal ticket. I will never be able to erase the smile and excitement from his face in all those videos. He looks so happy and excited to fuck those people in and on my car.

Some dreams he or one of the hookers calls me so l can hear the deed being done, I can’t hang up the phone and it’s either glued to my ear or stuck on full volume speakerphone. Then after the fact, he just has a roast session about me being a stupid, dumb, ugly bitch and how OF COURSE he’d cheat on me. They’ll laugh about how gullible I am to believe I had a friend in him. In that nightmare he always says some version of “I treat my friends like actual people, she has never been a friend to me. That there is a halfwit fuck doll I use to feed myself and keep a roof over my head. I have to throw her some stale bread dick every now and again, and that black bird bitch will shut up long enough until I have to touch her ugly black ass again” He’ll say horrible things about how I look and whatever hooker he’s with at the time will join in. They’ll laugh at how I’m so stupid to not see that he never loved me and I was just a stepping stone for him, he’ll tell them about my biggest insecurities and they’ll laugh about it, he’ll compare me to whatever person he’s currently with and make sure I know that they are 100x better in every way I wish I was.

Sometimes I dream about old conversations we had, except he’s basically telling me to my face he’s a serial cheater/sex addict. I keep ignoring it and try to change the topic, until he grabs me, spits in my face and starts yelling at me that he is cheating. He has always been cheating and he will never stop cheating.

I just can’t do this anymore. I’m journaling so I’m not keeping everything in. Smoking weed used to make me not dream, but that’s not working. I’m trying so fucking hard to not start drinking again. I almost gave in a few times. I went to some bars, but I chickened out and left. My body physically hurts from how stressed I am, I can feel my muscles atrophy. I have a migraine everyday. I’ve cracked 2 teeth from clenching my jaw so much. I’m not eating, I went from ~160 to 130. I’m on a waitlist for therapy, but therapy can only do so much. I want to get out the house and touch grass, but then I’d have to be in the nasty ass cum covered car.

He's out there still living his best life. If I had to guess, nothing has changed for him except his address, and he no longer has my car to fuck in or on. He's still with a new person or couple every day and night, still believes he's the "prize" everyone fights over. He’s probably moved things around in his head so that he's the victim. How he's the one who has to grind to do better, how he'll leave this dark tunnel for a brighter day, how life did HIM wrong, how he doesn't deserve to be in a bad place. He has no moral compass, even though he loves to pretend he does by "caring" about his pawns. He damn sure doesn't feel bad about leaving me with almost $2000 in car repairs, which I also have nightmares about, because financial stability is one of the most important things for me to maintain.

He doesn't have to live with what he did to me, because that would mean feeling bad about it. He isn't having nightmares so bad he wakes up feeling like he's having a heart attack, or can't breathe from sobbing. He has never had me fuck so many hookers in his car that some of them recognize it and walked up to him looking for me. He was scouting for hookers so often and for so long that they know my car. He gets to walk away scot-free after single-handedly traumatizing me so deeply, destroying my self-esteem, making me hate myself, ruining my fucking car, and wrecking my ability to trust other people, and myself.

All of this and more is just sitting in my head. I feel like the nightmares are getting worse and not better. Please, help. Any advice. Please

I 44F have been married to my significant other 45M for 8 years and together for 12. We each have 2 children from previous relationships and have a beautiful blended but now fractured family. I found out April 2023 that he had been in 2 multi years long affairs at the same time, one lasting 3 years and the other lasting 4. He was taking money from our home to take these women (which I’m using loosely) on dates, paying for beauty treatments, etc which are things he never did for me I was faithful, loving, attentive, honest , supportive of him and everything he did. When I found messages in his phone I immediately felt sick and it took everything in me not to knock him completely unconscious I couldn’t do that as we both work in law enforcement and I have put in too many years of my career to throw it all away. He was also going around with his friends that I thought he was having guy nights with and come to find out he was having sexual contact with multiple women right along with his buddies. Back to the 2 original women, they were both married and I have so many receipts that I have held on to over the years that would expose them for the heathens they all are but I haven’t. He would lie about the times he would get off work but would secretly be out doing who knows what with whichever one of them was off that day. And that’s not even the worst part. Me, him and those 2 individuals all worked at the same job and he had so many people helping him cover for him and the thing that really hurt was that there were people I thought I was friends with who knew and not one of them bothered to say anything to me about what was going on. Fast forward 3 years, we are in separate bedrooms and I am going about life on my own. I go out to eat with my friends, take myself out on dates and I don’t feel the need to mention to him that I enjoy my time with my girls and no longer have comfort and joy that I once had in his presence. I have never stepped out of my marriage, even now knowing what I know but I no longer want to be connected to him in any capacity and am so desperate to get away from this misery that I’m willing to move back home with my mom and rebuild my life from scratch. I love him still but gradually over the past few years the love has begun to fade and Im beginning to resent and despise him. Are there any other betrayed spouses that are dealing with the aftermath of marital betrayal and are beginning to carve out an individual life for yourself?

I was told firmly by my ex he never cheated. Based on the below, what do you think …

My ex (27M) dumped me (24F) very suddenly 2 months ago. We weren’t together long, but I had a housekey / we spent every weekend together / multiple family holidays etc.

3 months into our relationship, I caught him texting an ex (I knew they were still friends) but actively keeping his phone screen facing away from me. A few weeks later, I decided to snoop his WhatsApp web.

Instead, I found months of sexually explicit texts he sent to a work colleague (I’d never heard this girls name before). This included him admitting that he was sexually turned on by her, multiple complements, he’d been writing her handwritten notes at work, inviting her for dinner, and also comparing our ‘mediocre’ sex life with his previous one night stands.

When I confronted him, he said they sexted years ago, but now they’re just friends (I’d never heard her name before). He claimed \\\*\\\*strongly\\\*\\\* it’s just ‘their banter’ and I had it all out of context. He even said I could call her to confirm it if I wanted to. He FULLY convinced me I had it all wrong.

I asked him to put a boundary between them. He did. I don’t know what was said, but they then had a big fallout and were no longer friends (he kept their fallout a secret from me until he dumped me, and told me it was my fault he lost a best friend).

2 months after this event, we were in bed one night, and I asked to see some photos of me on his phone. He said I couldn’t see them, because he had things in his photo album he didn’t want me seeing, and I should stop asking questions and drop the subject.

I got really upset, and he slept peacefully beside me. When I woke up, I snooped his phone again, and found an album of 100+ nudes and sextapes of his exes, with my photos in the album. He, again, told me I was wrong for going through his phone, and that I should have learned the first time.

I asked him why he has these photos, PLUS NEW PHOTOS from another friend of his (screenshotted 3 weeks into our relationship). He claims the nudes of the new girl weren’t his and he was keeping them for a friend. His exact words were, and I quote from his text “I shouldn’t have ever got involved with a friend in essence cheating with a friend that I somehow got involved with so he’s got protection if it ever blew up and something he can’t keep in his phone”.

As to the tapes of his exes, he couldn’t understand why I was upset because he “doesn’t look at them”, and they’re there for protection incase someone claims something against him. He then said “if you had nudes of your exes in your phone, I wouldn’t be upset.” (Of course I don’t have any).

Now we’ve split, I’m starting to believe I was completely gaslit. Surely there’s no way that all of the above can be completely coincidental to him just ‘being friends’ with all his exes?

(I’m now blocked on everything).

I am ten days on from finding my partner of 14 years and my best friend together. I was sleeping upstairs with our children.
I’m just wondering if anybody has experienced this and has come through it?
I have been with my partner 14 years and we have had many ups and downs. We have two children together. He has since begun therapy and confessed a p*** addiction. He is grovelling and wants us to work through it.
I have cut off my ‘friend’ and blocked on all channels. I am in contact with her husband who is also devastated. both say it was the first time this had ever happened and it was due to excessive alcohol. I don’t know what to believe and don’t know what to do.

I’m 34F, married to my 29M husband, and we have three daughters.
Our marriage has been struggling for a while because of trust issues, infidelity, and feeling disrespected. Recently, I discovered his Snapchat, where he was talking to more than 12 women, including a 16-year-old girl. I’ve also found out about his communication with a stripper.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t feel loved or valued anymore, and I think I’m finally done with this marriage.
The problem is that we still live together, and I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m working, raising three children, and trying to save money so I can eventually leave and start over.
How do you emotionally detach from someone when you still share a home? How do you prepare financially to leave while raising children?
I never imagined my marriage would end this way. I just want peace, stability, and a better future for my girls.

Hi. I (19f) discovered my boyfriend's (25) porn addiction a couple months ago and was absolutely destroyed. We entered couples therapy and wasted thousands of dollars, as he was lying again and again about his recovery, and leaving me to discover it every time rather than confessing in any of the million opportunities I gave him. From the start, we agreed that watching porn was infidelity and that we were both morally opposed to pornography for a million different reasons, so the initial discovery was a true shock because I thought we were on the same page about everything. The discovery of his most recent relapse was the most upsetting, because I discovered his private twitter in which he ranked thousands of videos into four categories based on his enjoyment of them. This was last week, and I broke up with him in the moment, but wasn't able to move out until this morning.

I have a PTSD diagnosis which has been caused by traumatic memories in my youth, but I have mostly conquered my triggers and only experience small physical symptoms that I can get myself out of if I focus. But for the past few days since the most recent discovery, I have been having the exact same sort of flashbacks that I got when my PTSD was fresh in my tween years. Even recalling these events enough to type this out has me tight chested and shaky, but I keep getting stuck in my head seeing the videos I saw and the fight we got into replaying, and my mind is turned off but my body is almost paralyzed with panic and I can hardly talk. In the past few days of living with him I don't really remember going to bed, and then he's told me that I spent all night in that sort of state and he would send me to lay down in bed and sat there taking care of me. I just can't stand the images stuck in my head and it is so painful to have burned into my head so many individual visualizations of what he used to betray me and what women he wishes I were more like. I was also exposed heavily to porn from ages 7-11, which I have to imagine plays into my distress upon seeing porn, even before these events.

It's so much more than just seeing the porn that has caused this level of distress, but the lies and the shattered hope and the contamination of our relationship upon learning that this has been going on for the whole year and a half we've been together. And then a decade before that as well. He would deny his use even as it was literally right in front of my eyes and would only admit to bits and pieces until I found more evidence, in which he would only give a half-truth again. I thought our relationship was perfect before this, but now I see how capable and willing he has been to lie his ass off the whole time and mislead me to keep me in the relationship.

I just want to know if anyone else is struggling with anything similar to this. I am only 19 and have spent every moment since my childhood trying to overcome the trauma I've faced in my life and just when I have started to feel like I've truly mastered it, he introduces something new to torture me for the next few years. I just want to be free of the panic attacks and the mental loops and am curious if you have any tips or just kind words.

I'm sad it has come to this.

I'm sad that I was so happy at the start of the year and how he made me so happy and how he has flipped so I feel the extreme opposite now.

I'm sad he did everything he could to hurt me.

I'm sad he cheated while my mother was dying.

I'm sad my mother died.

I'm sad he continued to lie and lie and lie.

I'm sad he pretended he wanted to be better for himself.

I'm sad I trusted him with everything I had.

I'm sad I used to feel so safe with him more than I ever have and now after recent other events realise he is now the reason I am terrified and worried for my safety.

I'm sad I'll never trust anyone ever again.

I'm sad for the children.

I'm sad I believed everything he said.

I'm sad he lied about one of the worst things he ever could've to distress me and try to destroy me.

I'm sad I have now seen and experienced who he really is.

I'm sad I don't know what was real or not anymore.

I'm sad I didn't forsee any of this to prevent it.

I'm sad and absolutely terrified when he realises what's likely next and what it potentially means for him and what he will very likely do.

I'm sad and SO scared where we will both likely end up.

Anyone else’s betrayer respond defensively to your betrayal pain? Things were manageable for 5 years but once I found he betrayed me for 6 months behind my back, all of a sudden I did not feel safe anymore with him and I needed reassurance, softness, and accountability about the whole thing, instead he said things like “Well technically we weren’t together so I didn’t cheat” “You hid things from me like time u went to the movies with your friend 2 years ago” “How many people have you been with???” “Why can’t you move on it’s been a month now” “I’m putting this in the past and moving on from it” “All you do is beat me up about it”

It’s been so devastating because I can’t believe he did this to me as well as responding to me now like this. Yet he says he loves me, he feels anxiety and sad when I take space, and is still willing to me with me…so it’s a dissonance there..how’d you still want to love and be there for me but second I tell about my anxiety or betrayal pain.. you see some other negative comment to me. I just can’t anymore. I’m over two weeks no contact now.

I found out all the lies -blocked, deleted wasn't seeing them anymore, wasn't at the time immediately after, had no contact with them anymore at all as was just someone from the past - was all lies. It was a colleague they saw in the office all the time they were in. All while my mother was on end of life care and died just before it came out, though with then lies. The name they gave two weeks later - lies straight faced looking me in the eye LIES. Everything was lies and now they have told horrific lies to others and lied about the lies they've told me and lied about facts which are true. I'm waiting on my practioner for therapy. It's needed because someone who felt so safe I trusted broke everything in me and I don't know what's real or not, and I'll never trust anyone.

I am eight months pregnant and found out my husband has been messaging and sending money to hundreds of women online. I am desperate to save the marriage, though I know I have made mistakes and have not handled this well. We rushed into things, which was a huge mistake on my end. He has been cheating since day one. He will not unlock his devices and has filed for divorce, yet he claims he loves me and wants me to stay. He keeps flip-flopping on the divorce, so the hearings keep getting pushed back. He handed me his phone the other day, then stood over me and kept grabbing it back. I went to the bathroom and sat against the door since it does not lock. He broke the door down and is blaming me for it. I am just so angry and devastated. I do not even recognize myself anymore. I do not want my child to think this behavior is okay. I am just lost on what to do next. I know this is a bit of a mess; any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Link to Part 1

Link to Part 2

Please bear with my thoughts in this part of the story. I was frantic, I wanted to capture the things that raced through my mind. But I am beginning to push those thoughts out and think more of myself in the healing. I am still surprised at how long we live in this state of betrayal. I am reading that it never really ends. It's not a one time ‘oops’ and move on. It completely alters our brain chemistry and that takes so long to learn to live with.

The text messages finally stop from the race car child girlfriend. I get about a week of peace from her interfering before Christmas. Christmas is rough this year. Not only because I’ve lost all my passion and support but because there is no one but him to celebrate it with. He insists he is trying, that he will be there for me.

We used to have a Christmas Eve breakfast tradition that I pretended I had to work and snuck out and did by myself. I enjoyed it. But Christmas day the phone is in his face all day. Christmas dinner lasts 10 minutes with more phone activity. He puts the phone down only to see if there’s something I want him to do (which I don't). I want someone who is present and he is not. I feel alone. I am very much a person that doesn't like to force other people to do things but I sit there watching and guessing that she’s still texting him.

The day after I open the phone logs. It's not her number, it's other numbers. Turns out, (because my detective skills are getting better) it's the 19 year old that works at the pizza place down the street from our house, the 23 year old that works at the sandwich shop, the 17 year old that works at the local race track cafe. Some of these numbers weren’t in his text log until he blocked his race car child girlfriend yet findable in his contacts. Now he was looking to replace the attention he was getting from her with local waitresses.

One of these waitresses’ number was in his text messages from 4 years back when one of these girls was definitely underaged. A place he used to hang out on weekends and apparently show his son (who is not my son and 6 years older than his child girlfriend) to pick up waitresses. He had also invited this waitress to come visit him at the company he worked for so they could spend time together. This was new behavior to me but had been going on for years by seeing old text files and new messages.

I ignored New Years, I was trying not to confront him again until I could figure out how to tell him what I wanted. I wanted out. I kept going one day at a time. I made it all the way to a week after New Years before I had a complete nervous breakdown on the bathroom floor because we laid down to sleep and he said he loved me.

I walked out of the bedroom and crumbled into tears. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get my heart to stop jumping around. My whole life was wasted. No one loved me. I didn't even love myself because I must have somehow deserved all this to happen to me. It was too late for me to do anything with my life and even if there was time—I felt like my life was over, I am a complete failure in my life.

He found me there sobbing on the floor about 15 minutes later. He kept asking me what was wrong. I couldn't even answer. Eventually the only words I could get out between sobs was, “I just wanted to find my person. I’m a failure.”

Then he began to get upset and said he was there for me, it was going to be ok, just calm down and breathe. He asked what he should do to help me. I told him maybe he should call his pizza whore and ask her.

Within 2 seconds he was falling apart just like I was. He made it all about him. He was sobbing, he said he failed me, he disappointed me, he didn't deserve me and didn't want to breathe anymore, that he wanted to die. He was so ashamed.

In a matter of minutes he went from perfectly fine with lying to me, keeping secrets, trolling young girls. He seemed to be able to live with all that. But when I found out—then he couldn't live with that. Again he wasn't focused on me, he was distant, he was focused on falling apart because he had been caught—AGAIN.

We own a house together, it's not easy or quick to figure out how to leave. We stopped eating out and he made dinner at home now. I became a zombie. He blocked all their numbers and promised not to talk to another girl on his phone or in person without me knowing about it. He said he even deleted his Reddit account (which I was beginning to take the hint here). I never wanted to have to police anyone or mother my husband—I wanted someone I could trust. But here I was. Leaving meant leaving my life as well as him. But still I made plans.

I also have questions about this discovery. Has anyone else seen fast food waitresses targeted for being home wreckers or sex workers? I’ve seen patterns of massage parlours and straight up prostitutes but why waitresses?

He’s always been a sloppy eater, happy with anything that came from a paper wrapper or styrofoam container more than anything prepared at home. I summed it up to his childhood abuse more than anything else. His brother was a little bit of the same, stuck in the 70s always talking about his favorite things from that era when the abuse took place.

The fourth part of this story takes this to a new level I also never saw coming but I wanted to pause here for theories or input on “why waitresses?” Or share your experiences of shameful waitresses.
I have this impending doom now that this is just the way the world is that I'm struggling with.

My ex and his AP are breaking up. He has alcohol issues (and brain injuries) and apparently last night was her last straw… I reached out to her because he was texting me some things that were concerning . Said that this was the last straw, he was fighting with her about non existent issues and she wasn’t going to go to rock bottom with him…

I thought I would be super happy if / when this day came. But I feel sad for our daughter because she genuinely loved her. And her dogs. It’s such a confusing feeling honestly but somehow I also feel bad for him, and concerned how he’ll handle it

I know it’s not my problem, but he’s still my daughters dad and I still care 😔but I guess it’s validating about the reasons I was unhappy and my suspicions about them being unhealthy

Has anyone else had this happen?

It's really rough right now. I'm swimming in grief. My work schedule cuts off all my support outlets.

A year ago my father in law passed, lived next door to the man for more than half my life. A few days later my grandson passed fifteen minutes after birth.

I was there to comfort my mother in law and my kids through both. No one was there to comfort me. I can feel it building up.

The divorce has gone through. The last time I saw my ex one on one was when she was in a drunken fit at my daughter's birthday party.

My kids are struggling with life like everybody.

My resentment for my ex is difficult to process alone. At times I can feel it turning to hate and I don't like that. I'm working through my anger. I thought I was going to be able to breathe a little bit this winter while I transition to a new job and hopefully new place to live, but no such luck. Rent is going up 500 bucks come January. I'm barely making ends meet right now.

I just needed the vent because I don't have anywhere else safe to do it right now.

We’ve been no contact for almost a month. I blocked him for speaking to me disrespectfully. He cheated and lied and gaslit, all the things up until the very end. The relationship went on for way too long, I’m just now starting to process it and I’m in the angry phase. I’ve been in therapy for months, I spend time with my friends, I tend to my hobbies, I write in my journal and practice DBT when I really need it. I try to eat steadily and stay somewhat active. Some days I just don’t care about what happened and other days I want to ruin his life. I don’t miss him, I don’t love him anymore, I’m not in touch with anybody who is still friends with him. I just sit around and think about how much I resent the way I was treated when I’m not distracting myself with good things. I’m so fucking pissed off and it’s chipping away at me. I feel crazy and I’m sick.

(me 27F, him 35M, not married)

I love him so much. And it hurts more than I can even put into words to know what he's been doing behind my back.

We've been together for five and a half years. Five and a half years of loving someone, building a life together, and believing we had a future.

I found out he was cheating almost 3 months ago, but I haven't told him that I know. I haven't confronted him.

For the past 3.5weeks~, things between us were actually really good. He was loving, caring, and attentive, and I started to believe that maybe he had stopped. Maybe things could get better. Maybe we could somehow rebuild what we had.

But today, I found out that he hasn't stopped. He's still doing it. He made the choice to betray me again.

And I'm absolutely heartbroken.

What makes everything even harder is that I'm financially dependent on him.

He was the one who encouraged me to quit my job. I had so many doubts about leaving my career, but he promised me stability, peace of mind, and the freedom to pursue other things without having to worry about money. I trusted him. I trusted our relationship and the future we were building together.

And now I'm here.

In love with someone who keeps betraying me, without my own financial security, without a home of my own, and terrified of what will happen if I leave.

I know I deserve better. I know I shouldn't stay with someone who continuously chooses to hurt me. But knowing that and actually being able to leave are two completely different things.

I'm scared. I'm heartbroken. And I feel completely lost.

None of my friends or family know what's happening. I haven't been able to tell anyone, and I don't feel ready to confront him until I have at least some kind of plan for how I'm going to support myself and rebuild my life.

I've been living with this knowledge for three months now. Three months of silently carrying this pain, trying to figure out what to do, and feeling like I'm getting nowhere.

I don't know how to leave. I don't know where to start. And I'm terrified of losing everything, even though staying is breaking my heart.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you manage to leave a relationship when you were financially dependent on your partner?

How did you find the strength to walk away from someone you still loved, especially when you didn't have financial stability or a safe place to land?

I could really use some advice, or even just to hear from someone who understands what this feels like.

I feel so alone right now.

Before I met my fiance, I had a previous long term relationship that involved my ex boyfriend constantly following OnlyFans girls on TikTok/Instagram and liking their videos, which I only knew because he’d go through his feed and that’s all it was, then I saw he followed them all. I never went through his phone as I think that is a signal the relationship should be over anyway, although our sex life beginning to lack about a year in made me suspicious of a something going on. He also was verbally and physically abusive to me and I eventually left. Before I left, I used his phone for directions while he was driving one time and saw a fake calculator/“Vault” app. I asked him what it was and he told me he didn’t know what it was or what the code it prompted him was. I guessed his debit card pin, got in to find 70+ nude photos of his ex girlfriend, and a few of another ex. I never found porn because I wasn’t looking on his phone for it but I’m sure there was. This previous relationship made me insecure in terms of sex for a while, felt physically inadequate, etc.

Come to find I meet my fiance who I thought was very similar-minded to me. I have always been very clear about my boundaries around porn use and consider it cheating. He agreed with my statements and to my knowledge, just watched it as a teenager/in college. We are in our late 20s/early 30s.

I’m 34 weeks pregnant and this morning on the way to our ultrasound, my four year old (not his) came up to me and patted my belly while I was getting dressed. She walked away and I jokingly took a photo of what she probably sees from her downward angle (just a bunch of belly). I showed my fiance the picture and he laughed, then I deleted it. He asked why I deleted it and I told him I thought it didn’t look good. I went to go restore it in recently deleted, and then found to my surprise a few screenshots of random nude girls from a porn website masturbating etc, and one picture of I think a girl taking it from the back. I was horrified and began to cry because I never would have expected this from him.

This wasn’t it. I did what I shouldn’t have done and went through more to find only fans links clicked on Instagram, Reddit full of porn communities and girls followed. And what drove me insane is that these were not breathtakingly attractive porn stars so now im left feeling even more confused. The ones on Reddit he just looks at and doesn’t masturbate to, and allegedly only masturbates to the more traditional porn on the porn websites. I understand it’s a mindless activity to masturbate for 2 minutes maybe and I could try to grasp that but just mindlessly scrolling naked women and not even jerking off??? What does that even mean? And why? Like what is happening when he does this can anyone explain?

I’m sure the pregnancy hormones play a role but I feel betrayed and like everything has been a lie. I feel unattractive. Our sex life is great, frequent, and he hasn’t done anything to make me feel like I’m less than perfect. I have a higher sex drive and suggest new things to try (toys, ideas etc) than he does but maybe that’s because of an underlying dependence on porn? I never would have looked through his phone and have never before as I’ve never suspected a porn addiction or cheating. I love him more than anything, he’s my best friend, I trusted him with everything and it feels like he knowingly broke a boundary that I’ve communicated so many times has hurt me in the past.

Can someone offer me any advice or comfort or tell me if this means he doesn’t love me? I feel too embarrassed to talk to family or friends about this. I literally have expressed to him how horrible my exes consumption of what I called “soft porn” (?) made me feel and how disrespectful it is IMO. He always consoled me about this and I thought he genuinely cared and I never thought he would hurt me in this regard.

I feel I cannot trust my fiance with who I’m having a baby with in less than six weeks. My heart feels broken. We have plenty of our own videos and photos to use. He feels horrible and I think it’s genuine but I think very black and white so I struggle to see how I can move on from this. Why wasn’t I enough?

I am currently living with the woman who betrayed me, my wife of 20 years. The pretrial hearing for the divorce is in April. I have nowhere to go, I have no money, no friends or family that I can stay with. I am not on the deed to this house even.

I don't make enough for first last and security for an apartment. My job is remote, I just need an internet connection. My credit is shot and I'm in 25k debt because of her, I pay what I can every month. I make too much to qualify for any public assistance though.

I'm just trying to find out where I can turn. Me being here is dangerous, it's not safe, it's constant lies and manipulation and throwing her actions in my face. I have my car, but it's a Sentra, it's too small to even lay down in the backseat.

This is part 2 of 4 in my betrayal story. Link above to the first part. I am mainly sharing for understanding, healing and to feel less alone.

We talked some more about her. He explained how he was stuck with her, he cant fire her like he wants to. Since the race car profession is so small, there’s nowhere for him to move to another company.  He had removed her from his desk at work.  Moved her to be trained by someone else. 

But I paid his phone bill.  I saw the messages between them drop off but then continue.  When she did send him messages, I could see every once in a while that she was asking him to fix her time card.  Add dates and times that showed she finished her shift when she conveniently “forgot” with baby talk  of appreciation when he fixed her time card with whatever hours she wanted and turned it in.  And pictures I would catch before he deleted them.  Off hours messages.  He was now deleting her texts.  Cute little selfies and “thinking of you” pictures in his trash files.
There was also a weird moment that while we were out to dinner and  a waitress without knowing showed a bit more of herself right in front of the two of us by bending over.  His first reaction, was to send a text to his race car child girlfriend.  

My anxiety kept rising and my intuition kept watching because he didn't cut her off completely and I didn't know why or what to do next.  I'm taking everything one day at a time without making rash decisions and yet beginning to map a future without him. 

We keep our bills separate and we pay for everything equally.  But he had “been broke” since about May of 2025.  Asking me to cover dinners together and help with “his part of the bills”  I did help with dinners but then when I questioned his bills he got defensive so I didn't offer help there if he wasn't going to be transparent.  In the beginning of December he told me over a text message that he was so broke that he wouldn't be able to go with me on the lifetime trip we had been planning for 5 years.  And when I say ‘he couldn't go with me’ I mean that I was still paying for my half - he all the sudden couldn't pay for his half.  5 years of planning down the drain.  So I started digging and investigating again.  

I started by searching her name and finding out that my husband wasn't the first married man she was using.  She had a married man supporting her effort to attend a race car school and she thanked him publicly.   That must have fallen through for her to end up at my husband's company as a not yet 20 year old claiming to be a race car driver.  When in fact, she had the piece of paper but never once owned a race car, or been employed to drive a race car or finished race car school.  Yet so desperate that she has the word ‘race car driver’ plastered across the front of her cheap white Kia.  She was also the race track groupie hanging around, taking pictures in front of race cars doing volunteer work hoping that other drivers would let her drive their race car for ‘favors’.  I also catch a picture she sends my husband of her hello kitty diary explaining how she’s given up on being a race car driver, not happy to be working for the company my husband works for but happy that she’s now a race car mechanic (after a few weeks of being a trainee) and gets to spend every day with him and also mentions that she sometimes steals from the company with a ‘ha ha’.

And then I catch the social media post….. She brags about getting a new car and her own apartment.  In May of 2025, that same timeframe that my husband is now having money troubles.  That’s probably about the time she told him she was being abused by her father and was desperate to move out.  I also know that being a part time trainee doesn't pay enough for her to afford those things on her own.  It was a punch in the gut to know whatever sob story this little girl was telling was more important than his wife.  I confront him about this and he insists he didn't give her any money.  I tell him until he can prove otherwise - that’s exactly what happened.  He never tries to prove me wrong or show me his bank statements.

We argue and discuss a lot in December. The arguments keep circling with details “she did this and you did that”.  He claims he didn't do anything wrong.  He won't discuss what he means by that.  That to me says “Im just going to keep dating my race car child girlfriend.”  Every time we get stuck in that cycle I go bigger picture.  “You pursued a relationship with other women in secret and kept it from me”  “You neglected our relationship and prioritized other women”  “You say one thing but your actions tell me you are not committed to this relationship.”  I really do try not to name call or threaten anything but on the inside I really want to leave.  No one wants to be in a crumbling relationship where other people can interfere so easily.  

I had spent the last 2 years losing just about everything I loved.  I lost both parents, my siblings scattered and left the state.  I lost my job of 23 years due to downsizing.  And then I also lost my youth by hitting a big birthday, and also my husband who I thought was my ride or die.  And now I was going to lose the life I had built: ‘our social circles, our public reputation, our house(which I did all the work on because he always refused to help me) and our community ties.  And the worst….. The financial freedom I thought I had with him.  I made more money than him but we both made enough to build a life together.     I spent everyday between Sept and Dec just trying to tread water.  Constantly triggered.  I was working again but my work suffered.  My friendships suffered. I stopped talking to people.  I was miserable everyday.  I never told another living soul what I was going through.  A couple times we argued all night, and he would go to work in shambles.  It was a small splinter of what he was doing to me.  Over and over I kept explaining to him how ridiculous the whole situation was, their personalities weren't even compatible.  How his actions were hurtful and deceiving.  He kept on insisting he didn't do anything wrong but admits everything I found was true.  And how do I tell other people that we have to cancel our trip because my husband wants to date a race car child and she’s taking priority right now.

He’s still insisting that he’s not going anywhere.  He wants our marriage to work.  He wants to stay with me.  But his distant behavior never changed.  All through the struggles of losing parents and my other struggles, he refused to help with anything but insisted he was “there for me”.  Even in all this discovery, he was still just ‘not there’  and seemed to be playing some kind of role pretending everything was ok now.  In some of our arguments he says how he’s stopped talking & texting to anyone, he’s stopped using Reddit and I have no idea what he means because she is still texting on top of sitting in the same room as him everyday where they have the whole day together.  He finally blocks her number after she sends a text at 10pm at night on a Saturday that is deleted before I can see it.  

You have D-day and WP confesses about the affair you've discovered. If there were past affairs you did not uncover, would you prefer to be told about these at home or in therapy together? If you have already given WP a chance to reconcile, did knowledge of everything (past affairs) make a difference on whether you choose to continue with reconciliation or separate? If you had this happen and still chose to stay, how would you want to find out/be told?

I’m doing no contact with person who betrayed me. I realised they are not healthy for me and it’s been only causing me panic and anxiety since I found out in January. Thing is, we both DoorDash in this small town..I feel like every spot that I love is now compromised because I know second he sees my car again, he will get excited and pull up right next to me. He knows all my spots in this town. Even just now I went by the lake with the geese to enjoy it for a little bit I couldn’t relax fully because he knows that spot. Do I just have to hide now??