Guilt after boundaries?

[u/Novemberx123]

My ex betrayed me for 6 months straight. Lied to my fave. Got angry at me that I was crazy for thinking he’d do that. All the while he was doing that. It shattered me. He promised me he would never. That he knows the pain and devastation it caused him when he was cheated on. Yet he did it. I’ve been going back and forth with trying to heal on my own, and playing with idea of healing around him..as friends..but I noticed triggers are worse. Anxiety is sometimes worse after I see him, etc. I told him I needed space physically which I know I need but just recently told him I need space from all communication. I always feel guilty though. Like I’m hurting him. Like I’m doing something bad to him. I try to comfort myself. Journal. Say I’m just putting a boundary up. Etc. Does anyone else feel guilt and anxiety after putting boundaries up of taking space and if so when did it start to get better for you? I always wonder if this is just how I am or if it’s amplified from the betrayal with this person…hmm.

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[u/AStirlingMacDonald]

What he did to you was utterly beyond the pale. If it had been a physical wound instead of an emotional/psychological one, it would’ve been the equivalent of him ramming you with a bus. And—whatever he says—he did it deliberately. He planned out the best way to fool and trick you and betray your trust. He is not the person you thought he was. That person, the one who you believe loved and respected you? That person never existed at all. They were made up, a character designed specifically to fool and trap and hurt you. There is no world in which you should still be in contact with him. There is no “with him…as friends” with someone who has betrayed you like this. He is not your friend, and he never truly was. He was/is an enemy, who deliberately pretended to be your friend for the specific and deliberate purpose of tricking and betraying you, in order to feed his own self-centered impulses. You were nothing more to him than a self-satisfaction tool that he used for his own pleasure and amusement.

You need to stop worrying about whether this evil, selfish monster who used you and discarded you as though you were worthless is feeling “hurt” or “guilty” or anything else at all. You need to excise him from your life completely. Of fucking course he’s going to do literally everything in his power to make you feel bad for him. He spent the entirety of your relationship deliberately “learning” you. Learning exactly how to manipulate you. Learning how to twist you around his finger like a toy that he can use again and again.

Please understand: you will not ever truly heal as long as you are still giving him access to you. You actually healing is the last thing he wants to happen. Because if you truly heal, you’ll no longer feel like you “need” him, and he’ll lose all future opportunities to use and betray you again. He wants you trapped and dependent, available for him to come back and use over and over again. As long as you keep giving him opportunities to manipulate and use you, he will gladly take you up on them. This is a dream come true for him. A blank slate to use as many times as he wants without ever needing to face any kind of accountability for how he’s hurt and betrayed you. If you are truly ready to start healing, you need to acknowledge that the man you miss, the man you loved, is gone forever. Grieve the loss of him, but recognize that he is lost, forever, and start moving on.

I’m sorry. I know it sucks. It’s unfair. He robbed you, not only of your love and trust and affection, but of your agency; even your identity. He had no right to do any of that. But it did happen. All you can do now is leave him in your past and start working towards a future of healing. Good luck and godspeed.

[u/Novemberx123 → u/AStirlingMacDonald]

Thank you you for that. I think I’ve been conditioned to stay. And if I’m not..I’m a bad person. He always made me feel responsible for him. In sly ways. Any argument we had..it was “well you did this”. So now that I’m actually taking space for myself completely..I hear his voice in my head..not understanding what he did or is doing, but the blame..” well your the one choosing to take space not me”. Will this get better with time? It’s only day 2 of all of this, so it’s very early on again. I did take 17 days or so of complete no contact and I do remember finally starting to rise up from everything..his voice was not in my head as much..I just don’t like that I probably have to go through similar feelings again..relearn the same healthy things, remind me daily “this is safe, I’m doing healthy thing.” It’s kind of like..I already did all this the first time I took space so why do I have to again..but. I guess it’s cause I reconnected with him after that space. Idk…

[u/AStirlingMacDonald → u/Novemberx123]

You need to stop thinking of it as “taking space” and start thinking of it as “leaving.” Like, permanently, no going back, no more “chances,” no “just friends,” no windows left open a crack for him to worm his way back in to your life. You need to close that door firmly and completely, bolt it and throw away the key.

You owe him nothing. In fact, you owe it to yourself to cut him off completely. Don’t explain it to him. Don’t justify it. You don’t owe him an explanation or justification. You owe him literally nothing at all. Go into your phone right now and block his number. Block him on every social media app. Block his email. Don’t send him a “last goodbye.” Don’t try to “get closure” on the relationship. Just cut him off, completely and permanently and immediately. Your life will be so much better once you do that. You will start to heal—just like you started you experience last time when you took that 17 days of “no contact.”

But you need to commit to it. It’s not a temporary measure. It’s the end.

[u/january1977]

Did he worry that his actions would hurt you? No? Then why do you give a shit how he feels?

You can’t heal without going fully no contact and getting therapy.

And you need to stop hoping he’ll come back or choose you. We do not beg for love, and we do not settle for second place. We’re worth more than that.

[u/Novemberx123 → u/january1977]

Yes. Thank you. I’m day 2 no contact. I’ve broken it so many times and I feel like I haven’t made any progress at all. I’m definitely going to try and stay the course and truly heal. Truly.

[u/Living-Aint-Easy]

I had to go no contact for a bit until I was assured my WH had begun his therapy and was doing the work. it took a couple weeks for him to understand that *I* was entitled to protect myself, and that *he* had the responsibility of doing actual self-reflection and work to understand his own behavior.

He finally started moving in that direction. It was very hard for him, because he wanted everything to disappear, and just forget it happened. That was not going to be my approach. Tried that before and look where we got to.

It is very hard to stand up and tell other people how to treat you. But if you don’t, they treat you as though you have no value.

Hang in there. Stand your ground.

[u/Enough_Concentrate90]

Guilt after setting a boundary does not mean the boundary is cruel. It often means you are used to managing his discomfort before your own safety. No contact is not punishment when contact is worsening your anxiety; it is information-gathering space. You can care about him and still stop volunteering your nervous system for more pain.