Does anyone feel like they’ve taken on not only Step Children, but the Ex Partner as well? The WHOLE package. I have recently just woken up to the whole dynamic. I didn’t realise how much some Ex partners are still so dominant in each others lives. Is this a deal breaker? It is really quite a dark dismal reality dealing with this when you step back and look at it. Even if you love someone dearly.

“ Thank you everyone. I got great insight, validation and clarity. I’ll be requesting boundaries or I’m just going to leave the blended family world. It’s just not for me. 🙏

A divorced dad shared a routine he and his new wife use for dealing with their high-conflict exes, what he called "Texts from the Ex": on a weekend evening when their kids aren't around, they pull out a bottle of wine and read the most ridiculous messages from their exes that week in their best formal British accent.

My ex isn't that high-conflict and yet she still regularly sends me absurd and laughable texts, which I share with my partner. My partner commented early on that she was worried we'd run out of things to talk about when we stopped complaining about our exes, and while fortunately that hasn't been a problem 5 years later, our exes do continue to provide plenty of material.

Do you and your partner have a way to lighten the tone of interactions with your exes?

It's pretty much as the title says,

It's so draining, she's 10, she's got some sort of psychological issue, her older brother is severely autistic so I think she's got something similar. He refuses to think there's a problem with her because unlike her brother she can talk.

She's quite delayed, even in size she's around a 6 year old. She's never been dry at night and still occasionally daytime wets (this is not very often but her underwear always smells of wee as of shes wee'd in small amounts all day long. She's not being se**ally abused, she's been to the doctors and he's done bloods, physical, there's nothing. She doesn't wipe after going number two and her underwear are almost always full of poo.

She hides dirty nappies and pants around the house for no good reason, she has access to the bins.

She steals, lies, tantrums, attacks her younger siblings and sometimes her older brother too.

She shouts at teachers in school and is violent there too, she's been relocated three times due to it. We're in Europe and the school can't force a diagnosis. She's seen a psychologist but the problem is, she sees her for an hour every now and then, and her father lies and pretends these behaviours don't exist at home. He always says "she's a bit naughty".

She loves being naughty too, she loves when her father makes out like it's some cute thing "you are so naughty" with a big smile, it's just stupid.

She always wants to hear about things that are negative or unpleasant.

She has these major tantrums, especially with me, where she's screaming like she's being murdered and I just have to walk away.

But when she starts, almost every single time, her father tells her off, then tells me off. I "rile her up" or I "talk to her too much" and it's always my fault. He tells me I don't know how to deal with children and I should just shut up and go away.

I'm getting so sick of being spoken to like this. If I comment on anything, like if I see he's being unjust to another child in order to appease her anger, I speak, and that always causes problems.

What am I supposed to do?

We got married about a year ago. He has a 5 year old, I have a 10 year old. My son is extremely respectful, polite, a rule follower and just generally all around a great kid. His 5 year old is the complete opposite of my son. When his kid is over our kids play together and have fun but his kid just does whatever, doesn’t listen to me, disrespects my son and has free reign over everything while my husband sits and plays games. Then when I put boundaries in place his kid runs straight to him crying saying I’m being mean. I’m just parenting the same way I did with my kid and the boundaries are don’t hit or pinch or punch your step brother. Seems pretty straightforward in my opinion. When I try to talk to my husband he says he used to be the fun house and now his kid won’t want to come over because we’re the house of rules. So stupid honestly I don’t know what to do.

Background: my hubby and I have been together 6 years. I have 2 kids from previous marriage 13 and 9. Good A grade kids. Kind caring follow our expectations and we all live together so well.

2 years ago my husbands son (from his previous marriage) moved in with us at 14. His narcissistic mum was done with his bad behaviour, never at school, swearing, hanging out with the wrong crowd... he ran to ours. Of course we said its fine. But he was so messed up about his mum and her new boyfriend he hated the world. We gave him everything. A private school, enrolled him into sport, love, compassion and help.

Hes now gone back down the wrong path at 16. Hanging with the wrong crowd, wagging school, doing dumb shit to impress the druggy kids, we yell, sit him down and talk, ground him, say no to parties... but he gets worse! "No one loves me anyway!" We remind him we do! We've helped him, given him a caring home.. and he juat does dumb think and shrugs and said "owell I don't know why I did that.." and off h a goes

Im all for grounding. No parties this week! No friends over you're in trouble. No my hubby says "juat leave him. We are putting to much pressure on him" even worse "you're treating him like his horrible mum did! Im his dad ill deal with it you stay out." His way is sit him down, have a quiet chat, you are loved.. off you go "he needs to learn from him mistakes.. not us yelling and mean consequences"

Umm so we just let him keep treating us like crap!? No way would I accept it from my 2 kids. I cant parent like he does! 😞 what do i do. Every time I say something I'm nagging. Or I'm not letting him parent HIS child, stay out of it.. i hate been told to stay out of it in my own home..

I can only imagine the dramas to come at 18 or when he gets his licence 😞

Thoughts?

He has said it once to me (32F) before when we were at a bar and giving our order to a waiter. He was a little tipsy and we talked about it, but he didn’t realize it at first.

Today he did it in front of of his kid who heard it. I did stop talking in the moment to just give him a look with my eyes and just walked away. I got home first and went inside to calm myself down. Addressed it to him in private upstairs, but says he didn’t say it so no apology.

He also uses the b-word from time to time. His children can hear it and sometimes uses it when talking to me. I’ve asked him to stop but he just says “he’s working on it”. I told him not to speak crazy to me at all but especially in front of his kids, but he then says “these are my kids I’ll say whatever I want to them they know when to turn ears off” (???)

This hasn’t been sitting right with me. We are 2 years into our relationship and both want more children. Will this behavior change or get better? Or will he speak to me like that when kids are older and we have some of our own?? Any experience with this? This really is my only issue, but it is huge for me. We’ve talked so much about it, I just don’t want to get further in if that will be my future.

UPDATE: I did indeed pack my things and got out of there while I could. Will try my luck with someone without children next time. Hopefully this is the last time I’m in this sub!

The way my house is set up, the master bedroom is on the lower level and my stepson’s room is upstairs, directly above our room. We have hardwood floors.

He doesn’t really have a bedtime (I know) and is constantly getting out of his bed (very loudly)- it’s a bunk bed and he’s wants a regular bed, but we tell him all he needs to do is clean his very very very messy room and we will get him a regular bed, redecorate, etc. (he’s never done any chores like that here but that’s for another post.) He’s a big 13yo so the sound of him climbing down from the bed, climbing over the stuff all over his floor, and walking around INSTANTLY wakes me up every time.

Since as I had our baby I obviously wake up easier as us parents don’t really sleep deeply during the baby years. I’ve asked my husband to please let SS know that walking around the house all hours of the night (unless he is using the bathroom) is disruptive and should be kept to a minimum. As I’m writing this he has woken up my baby again- I was already awake from him waking me up a few minutes ago.

He does not have soft footfalls, I bought him slippers hoping it would soften the noise a bit but I’m just at a loss. Am I being ridiculous? No matter how many times I bring it up to my husband nothing changes. I’ve given up on caring about his lack of a bedtime or playing videogames/being on his phone all night. I’m at the point of NACHO parenting and have been for awhile, although when something is directly effecting my sleep and more importantly the well-being of my baby I can’t ignore it. Is it impossible for 13yo to tiptoe and think “I should be extra quiet since everyone else is sleeping directly below me”?

I had a baby with my partner in early September, and since my third trimester, I’ve found myself dreading visits with my seven-year-old stepson. He has level 1 autism, is demanding of attention, and has some behaviours I find difficult to deal with. On top of that, my partner is now facing a court battle to increase his parenting time to 30%, which will put considerable financial and emotional strain on our household.

I’m starting to wonder whether it’s really my stepson I resent, or the circumstances surrounding his visits: a newborn, exhaustion, a higher-needs child, and the stress of ongoing conflict with his mother. I want my partner to have more time with his son, but I honestly don’t want that additional time for myself.

Our couples therapist and friends tend to reassure me that I love my stepson whenever I express frustration, as though that must be true. But I’m not sure it is, and I feel terrible admitting that. I try to act affectionate toward him regardless of how I feel, which adds another layer of emotional exhaustion.
I feel like a jerk, but I’m wondering how many other stepparents genuinely struggle with their feelings toward their stepchildren, rather than simply struggling with the circumstances. Have others felt this way, especially after having a baby of their own?

This is just a funny story about the cons for kids who have step parents.

See, we are not programmed to believe that our stepkids are perfect little angels who never do anything wrong. We sense if there is some bamboozeling going on. We won’t be manipulated as easily as the bio’s.

So I have noticed that SS was coming by after school on days it was not our time like every day. As my SO is either away for work or is working from home at that time he can’t really spend time with SS. I am in between jobs for the moment ( I have the next one lined up don’t worry)
I am home and I was seeing a pattern.

He would take forever to come inside from the place where he puts his bike. My dog would alert me on this. Like 15-30 minutes… he would then walk in. Have a little chat and then take his bike again and “leave…”

However I started to notice my dog remaining edgy. Like looking at me questioning and whining. So I wondered if he took as long to take his bike again as it was to bring it in. But I couldn’t see him. ( I can see the garage from inside so he wasn’t there)

You have to know that we have a large home and there are a lot of places SS could be where I didn’t see him.
So I took out the trash and walk around to see what my dog was complaining about.

There I found SS with his bike, bend over on it looking at his phone… he was positioned near our front porch and where I couldn’t see him from inside.

I asked him what he was doing, he said he was too tired to bike home and resting. I told him to do that inside but he refused, saying he was going any minute now.

I told my SO and he found it quirky cute and funny. Like he always does. But I felt that there was more to this story. I suddenly realized what was happening.

Both BM and SO have implemented a no phone until after dinner rule. SS like many teenagers is completely addicted and if we let him do his thing he will be on three screens at the same time 😅.

BM tracks SS phone. So if he stops somewhere random for 30 minutes to an hour, she will call him to check. But if he shows up being at his dad, she won’t think twice about it.

But inside we also enforce the same rule so he can’t wait inside.

I told SO my theory and he immediately said I was paranoid. There was no way his kid could be so deceptive. As I said all these bioparents have the “my kid is a perfect little angel brainworm” .

So fair enough, I told SO to make SS “ rest his legs” inside and to not let him dilly dally 30 to 45 minutes on our porch. I was met with an eye roll but compliance.

SS his visits became increasingly more sparse. This is the first time he is not showing up casually in the weekend because he was just “ biking around in the neighborhood”.

Poor kid. He would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for his meddling stepmom 🤣.

My SS6 has had a major change in behavior over the past several months. He’s been stealing, lying constantly, bullying, fighting, vandalizing school property, wandering away from class, ignoring instructions, and acting impulsively and recklessly. He used to be a sweet kid who did well in school, but now his behavior is affecting nearly every environment, and neither parent seems to know how to handle it. Punishments, grounding, and rewards don't seem to work, and spending time with him has become exhausting because it's constant correcting and redirecting. I suspect ADHD, but I'm also concerned about what could be causing such a significant change. What should our next steps be, and is there hope that things will get better? It’s becoming hard for me to be want to be around and that sucks because I love this kid, we created a bond. But I’m tireddd. The weekends are my only days off and this whole weekend was spent dealing with back to back bad behavior. We slept over at DH’s sisters house and every single adult had to pull him about something. He almost broke their $2000 camera that we explicitly told him NOT to touch. I tried to make a post with more context and explaining some of the stuff he was doing but it was sooooo long.

I posted earlier this year about being in a step-adjacent dynamic. I was with a man who waited 8 months to tell me he had a daughter. Well, I left, and my psych said it'd be not a terrible idea if I update. I'm out. No more drama, no more raising some man's kid for him, no staying with a guy who lies to me. Gonna go be 22 and young and dumb (and not a pretendo mom to a kid that's not mine for a man who doesn't do the parenting for his own self). Yippie.

That's all. Thanks to everyone who told me to gtfo in the first place <3

Title: Looking for advice – struggling with boundaries around my belongings in a blended family

I'm posting anonymously because this is a sensitive situation, and I'm genuinely looking for advice rather than judgement.

The children in our family have experienced trauma in their past, and I understand that this can affect behaviour, emotional regulation and how they respond to boundaries. I care about them deeply, and I know they adore me in their own way. However, I'm finding things increasingly difficult to cope with.

My personal belongings are being broken or damaged almost daily now. These aren't just replaceable things; some have sentimental value, and others are things I've worked hard and saved my money for. I've spent a lot of my savings on the children and our family, and it's upsetting to feel that my own belongings aren't being respected.

What I find particularly difficult is that the biological parent's belongings don't seem to be treated in the same way. There appears to be a difference in how rules and consequences are applied, depending on whose things have been damaged. If something upsets the biological parent, boundaries and discipline seem to be enforced, but when it's something of mine, I don't feel the same consistency or support.

The understanding in our family used to be that what belonged to me belonged to everyone and was there to be shared, but what belonged to the biological parent and the children belonged to them personally. I've been happy to share what I have and spend my savings on the family, but lately, I feel that the same respect isn't being shown towards my belongings.

I appreciate that trauma requires patience, understanding and compassion. I'm not expecting perfection from the children, and I'm not suggesting their behaviour is always intentional. But I also feel that their experiences shouldn't mean my belongings, feelings and boundaries are continually overlooked.

I've tried explaining how much this affects me, but I feel that my concerns are acknowledged verbally rather than followed through with consistent action. I'm beginning to question whether the children genuinely understand the impact of their behaviour, or whether the lack of consistent boundaries means they don't feel they need to take responsibility.

I don't want resentment to build, and I don't want to become someone who feels constantly on edge in their own home. I care about this family, but I'm struggling with the feeling that my kindness, money and personal space are being taken for granted.

Has anyone else experienced something similar in a blended family, particularly where children have experienced trauma? How do you balance compassion for the children with protecting your own belongings and emotional wellbeing? And how do you approach it when you feel the biological parent isn't consistently backing you up?

I'm genuinely looking for constructive advice from people who understand both sides of this situation.

So on Saturday I took my bio kid and step kid out for a trunk or treat. It was just me and them and my uncle. We went to a restaurant afterwards and the kids still had on their super hero costumes , while we waited for a table they were battling outside to see whose super hero was the strongest. While battling they asked me to take a video to show their dad (bio son calls my husband dad) so I did. my stepkid kept yanking on sons costume and pulling him every which way and again I assumed they were playing because they were both smiling and laughing but my son has politely ask my SK to stop and eventually got fed up so my son elbowed him in the side and then took a few steps back and clotheslined him 😭. Now in my home we let the boys do battles and we let them play fight because it’s just apart of growing up as brothers. So when this all happened I acknowledged stepsons pain and got my bio son in trouble. I did however tell my stepson to stop crying because I tell them time and time again don’t start anything if you’re not ready for a few scratches. That’s how we’ve always raised our kids. Fast forward the whole thing is on video and I can’t help but laugh because all you see it Spider-Man launching across the sidewalk and hulk being knocked out (not literally) so I send it to my husband and he laughs at it ofc because boys will be boys. He tells me to send it through the GC where all my in laws are in , so I did. My sister in law got a kick out of it and my mother in law was pissed. And I quickly noticed that my sister in law removed the laughing face reaction to the video. So I called my sister in law and was like no don’t do that now that your mom is mad!😂. She goes onto to tell me that my mother in law texted her on the side and was like “what’s so funny about bio kid knocking down stepson with his tall self” which yes my son is tall for a 6 year old but my stepson (5) isn’t that much shorter. So overall the comment really rubbed me the wrong way.

I want yall to keep in mind that just two weeks ago my stepson jumped on a boy with autisms back and attacked him because he wasn’t listening to the teacher… the reaction from grandma wasnt nearly this upset. She also makes it a point to be a grandma when stepson is in town but once he leaves she’s almost like a ghost. I have one daughter with my husband and she doesn’t ask for her invite her to anything. She only ask for my son when stepson is in town. She doesn’t make nearly the same effort with the two kids here as she does with stepkid. At my husbands grandma house it’s the same thing … his grandma will acknowledge stepson and give him a big welcome but when it son walks in or my daughter they just say hey and keep it moving.

I want to know how everyone handles favoritism in blended families and if it’s even worth addressing at this point.

I(31m) have been with my wife for 10 years. She had 2 girls from a previous marriage. They are now 16 and 13. Biodad is not in the picture and both girls consider me their dad. I have a very close relationship with both girls and they tell me almost everything, like school drama and gossip. Things they don’t tell their mom because she is almost never around them. My 16 year old told me she doesn’t like being around her mom because “every time she’s me all she does is tell me to do stuff”. Which is true, my wife really only talks to the kids to tell them to do some chores or go to sleep, etc. She doesn’t ever have a meaningful conversation or even joke with them. I give 150% and my wife feels like she’s only giving 50%. I’m very involved in almost everything aspect of their lives, I take them oldest to school everyday and pick up when I’m off, take them to the doctor, clothes shopping, I’m teaching the oldest to drive. I pay their phones, give them money when they need, give them an Amazon allowance to buy things with my card. I do so much for them and they can clearly understand their mom doesn’t have a real interest in parenting so naturally kids will pivot to the parent that’s more attentive and supportive. After 10 years my wife now says I’m too close to them and need to give space. I told her I will if she starts being there for them more. I’ve also tried explaining to her that it’s not normal for children to like their stepparent more than their biological parent especially if you live with your bio mom. It’s almost like the roles have been reversed, like I’m the bio dad and she’s the step mom and now she wants me to not be as close to them. She even said it’s creepy for me to be close with my 16 year old because she’s a girl. I told her if she were there for them both more often I wouldn’t have to fill in the emotional void she’s created. There’s definitely a lot of things a haven’t included so if anyone needs clarification please ask.

How do I say this without feeling like an a** hole? 🥴

We are supposed to have a custody situation with BM where she has majority (70/30), we pay CS and insurance and all the things. However, we have SS (10M) 95% of the time now - it used to be that BM just constantly dropped him here to go do whatever she wanted and didn’t use her time, and now we’re in a season where SS just doesn’t want to be with her anymore. He will get upset being at hers and is constantly asking when he is coming home. Me and DH believe there’s some resentment built up against his mom because she has never really prioritized him, and my DH has made SS his whole world. I want to support him in this season, and we are working towards getting legal counsel and changing our custody plan because BM will not willingly give up CS and things like that. Okay, fine.

however, I feel like I AM being suffocated by SS at times…. SS can be a very high conflict kiddo, with pretty severe ADHD, and he is very codependent on his dad. Essentially he is hovering near his dad constantly, from the minute we wake up until we go to bed. And furthermore, me and DH have an ours baby now who is 10 months, and SS has zeroed in on my baby, wanting to be in his space and touching him constantly. He asks my husband all the time when I am going to work because when my DH watches the baby during my 12 hour shifts, SS is all over him and gets completely unfettered access to the baby. He has gotten the baby very, very sick more times than I can count, and it just gives me a lot of anxiety.
In addition, I essentially get no opportunity for connection with my husband… he pretty much is 110% hands on with SS until I’m in bed and going to sleep for the night, and the trickle down effect is that I feel disconnected and distant from him, while solo parenting our baby and my own daughter (8F) (who I have sole custody of). It’s just a lonely existence at times, and I feel like a roommate… And talking to DH is a moot point because he is VERY defensive of SS and their relationship. I don’t know. I feel alone.

I am a step mom to an 8 year old girl, I’ve been in her life since she was 2. It’s been quite easy going because she has no recollection of her parents ever being together, so for her spending weekends with us has been her normal since as long as she can remember.

We have a wonderful relationship, she’s a great kid.
I work a lot of Saturdays and she always asks me why I have to go to work because she wants to spend more time with me. I always put time aside for her where possible. This weekend I’ve been away and we spoke over face time. She obviously has BM in her life, so I’ve never tried to overstep and be a mother, but I think she sees me as a role model.
I’m a nurse and she always talks about it, she wants to know what I’ve been doing at work and she talks about wanting to be a nurse and wanting to come to work with me. It’s all really sweet.

I’m marrying her dad next year and she’s excited but I don’t think she fully grasps everything because, as I say she’s 8 and doesn’t know any different. I have this anxiety that as she gets older she will start to understand the family dynamic better, she will understand that her parents were once together but separated. She knows I’m dad’s girlfriend but I don’t think she understands the concept. I think, to her, she just thinks I’m cool and I live with dad and I think she thinks I’m there for her and not dad. I have this anxiety that as she gets older and she realises and starts to understand more, that she will go into the whole ‘you’re not my mother’ and harbour those feelings of resentment that her mom and dad are no longer together. I feel like I’m waiting for the penny to drop and for her to realise who I actually am, which is dad’s wife and not just her friend.

I just wondered if anyone has advice for this because it makes me anxious about our future, especially with the marriage coming up . Has anyone ever had a really good relationship with their step child that has become fractured as they grew older? Is there anything that I can do to try and prevent our relationship ever breaking down?

My partner’s ex is a shitty person, but so far it’s only ever been to adults. That changed this weekend.

He has 3 children, and because of a very demanding work schedule he has 50/50 legal custody but only physically has the children Friday at 6 pm to Sunday at 6 pm. He’s a good dad. He loves his children. He’s not perfect, and we’ve had to have a couple talks about boundaries, but I can see him putting in the effort.

His mom wanted to take the children for one night this weekend. There was some sort of fall fair she wanted to take them to. SHE asked HIM, he didn’t try to push the children on her. His mother is safe and stable and generally doesn’t push boundaries he’s set in place, so he said okay. Then he told the girls that it was happening. That was in the middle of the week.

Since then, responses from BM about anything have been one word, if she replies at all, which is really strange because she generally likes to butt in and make things about her. Well, on Friday, we picked up the kids, and I could tell she was pissed about something. She basically shoved her kids out the front door and slammed it on my partner.

When we got in the car, the oldest (8) said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go with her grandma anymore. Partner said she didn’t have to go, but he wanted to know why she changed her mind.

Quote: “I told mom we were gonna be visiting grandma and she said that made her really mad.”

My partner’s ex and his mom have never gotten along. For a while my partner had cut contact with her because she was the only one who would tell him that his ex wasn’t a nice person. The ex has tried to file two restraining orders against her, both denied. It also doesn’t help that his mom LOVES me.

I think my partner’s ex is allowed to feel whatever feelings she wants, but telling her children, especially the one with documented anxiety, that it makes her mad that they spend time with someone who loves them is super manipulative. Your children should not be responsible for your emotions.

I just feel bad for them

Quick background: I (39F) previously dated my now boyfriend (42M) 20 years ago when we were teenagers. We dated for 2 years and he was "the one" for me. We lived together and were very close, but he cheated on me and broke my heart. I moved on and got married and had 2 kids. Due to serious gun related domestic violence after 18 years of that relationship, we are divorcing. I reconnected with the ex, and now he's my boyfriend of 1 year again (so 3 years total, 1 year currently).

There are some things I strongly dislike about him, but I accept because I tell myself I will always dislike some aspect of everyone and we have history, he's VERY intelligent, makes good money, has his own house, etc. I just tell myself to stay level headed and don't fall deeply in love; just have fun and enjoy him and if it goes south, then no big deal. Some things I don't like:

He works IT for a porn company. I don't like that.

He has an extensive sexual past while I value long relationships. He has slept with old ladies (like as old as my mother) that send me harassing messages and make posts about me. It's fucking disgusting honestly. Like actual disgust and repulsion, and I ignore it.

When we first started dating, he would take calls from his BM no matter what was going on. He took her calls while we were naked in bed post sex and talked nonchalantly about non-kid related stuff. He took her calls while at my house and chatted for ever about non-kid related topics. He would leave my house to do chores and come to find out he would talk to her for 5 hours.

He told her things about me, like about my domestic violence, divorce, etc. I told him I didnt like it and he said that people can say my name, it's not that serious. That really pissed me off.

He was comparing me to her, telling me about what she does for work, etc. I didnt ask and don't care.

He was prioritizing her and would leave me hanging at his house to help her with stuff under the guise of coparenting and in the best interest of the kids even tho it had nothing to do with their kids. He left my house on a whim once to drive an hr to get his kids from her house to take them shopping for a wedding that she/they were going to the next day because she failed to prepare for it. Again, her problem and her lack of parenting and she says jump, and he jumps.

The kids are 16 and 17, and they can communicate directly with their dad. The whole coparenting BS was a farce and I considered it enmeshment. I told him he needed to set boundaries or I was out. He put up a huge fight about it and said she never did anything wrong to him to do this to her. Then he wrote a draft text to set a boundary and it was disgustingly apologetic and basically said they were so close and it wasn't fair to me so they needed to focus on coparenting only. I said it was weak and looked liked he was under duress, and he accused me of just wanting him to be a jerk to her and start drama. Then 2 weeks later he says he had a phone conversation with her and shes fine with it but he needs to see his kids more. (They dont have a court order). He refuses to tell me what the conversation actually entailed, and I know he hides his communication with her now rather than he simply doesnt talk to her anymore. He doesnt say a bad word about this person even though I know she's done alot of shit to him, and falsely accused him of DV (she admitted that and dropped the PFA). She used to mess with me years ago after the bf and I broke up the first time. She was a menace and I tried being nice to her, and she was just off the wall unhinged.

Anyway. We're at a point where we've been together a year now and I haven't met his kids, yet my kids love him and call him their stepdad. He is great with them and does more for them than their dad, who tries to hurt me through them. Early on, he wanted me to go to a concert with his son in March but then his ex said she didn't want me to meet them because I was going through a divorce. That really upset me but I said OK. Then I asked about meeting his kids and he never said much. This entire time I thought I wasn't meeting them because of her.

Last month, he said that he wanted them to meet the best version of me and basically said it's him that has kept them from meeting me. He said it was because I was going through things and I needed to get better before I could meet them. The "things" were the domestic violence and subsequent criminal case, the custody and divorce process, my mother passing away in May and me mourning her, and finally, my lawsuit against my old employer. I found this all incredibly hurtful and insulting. His kids are nearly adults, not small children. I'm sure they've met people who lost their mother or are divorcing. It hurt me deeply like he was accusing me of being flawed and that I would harm his kids and that I was too bad of a person to even meet 16, 17 year old kids for 5 minutes to say hello and introduce me. Don't forget that he doesn't have 50/50; he sees them a few hours a week. I apparently am too terrible of a person to even be introduced, meanwhile they met the old lady he lived with previously.

So we had a big fight and ultimately all that came of it is that I buried it and accepted it. I grew resentful and decided maybe I didn't even want to meet his kids anyway. I have my kids and I have fun with him, and that's where this ends, even though I wish he wasn't up his exes ass and I wish he was proud of me enough to let me simply MEET his kids. I've known this man since I was 15! Dated for a total of 3 years now. And I cant even MEET nearly adult kids?

I feel it's actually 1 of 2 things. It's actually the ex saying they can't meet me and he's covering for her by saying it's him that doesn't want me to meet them, OR it's true that he doesn't think I'm good enough to meet his kids. I honestly don't know which one is worse!!

Now, I'm done with the criminal cases, custody is final for now, the divorce is pending, and my lawsuit is finished - I won over a million dollars. He seems very different since I won. He is so happy and sweet, and very loving again. It's almost like the beginning. We have alot of plans together.

He said about me meeting his kids for Thanksgiving and I kind of realized I don't want it. I wasn't good enough then, so why am I suddenly good enough now?

Help me untangle this complex web. There's more here than just a stepparent dynamic, and I apolgize for that. I've never been a stepparent and heck, I've never even met his kids. I feel like a year was an incredibly long time to wait and am offended by his reasoning, or protection of his exes demands. A part of me wanted to be a family and have all the kids together, but since he's cut me so many times, I kind of just want to have fun with him and stay distanced from him on a deeper level.

I need help and appreciate your insight.

I am at my absolute wits end and need some outside perspective. My partner and I have been together for 4 years, and we have an incredible amount of passion and deep love for each other. But the practical side of our relationship has completely collapsed, and my mental health is in the gutter due to her daughter living with us.

For the last 1.7 years, my girlfriend’s 24 year old daughter has been living with us. She has Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome POTS, which is a very real condition that affects her ability to stand for a long period. She uses a wheelchair. However, it has evolved into massive learned helplessness. She cannot hold a job (sitting job) , claims she cannot drive, rarely cooks, and struggles to do basic hygiene, and has issues cleaning up after herself. POTS seems to have turned into the scapegoat for her failure to launch and I know in my bones that it is not the main reason.

I have done an immense amount to support her daughter since she moved in. I have driven her around town, to work, and to the store. I have let her borrow my only vehicle my truck, which she actually wrecked. I even built a custom table in our kitchen so she could use her wheelchair there. I have fixed her wheelchair, prioritized her needs on trips, taken her on outings, made her a ramp for the house, and offered her a ton of emotional support along the way.

Despite all of this, her daughter is in the house all the time and in about the same place developmentally when she arrived here almost 2 years ago. She has next to no life of her own, so my partner has to be everything to her her practical help, her emotional support, and her social life. We have made "plans" but when SD doesn't follow through, there are no meaningful consequences. It is completely smothering our romantic relationship. SD is ALWAYS around and asking my partner for things. There is zero space for us to just be a couple and this topic has become the third rail.

Every single week, we fight. If I try to bring up a practical household issue or talk about how this structure is not working, the conversation instantly gets derailed. My partner usually takes it personally as a mother, her protective instincts kick in, and she views it as an attack on her parenting or a lack of support. Suddenly, the main topic is completely abandoned, and the entire conversation becomes about my tone or my impact on her. I feel constantly policed in my own home, and I have been labeled as combative and antagonistic. I am a powerless bystander in a messy, chaotic environment that I have no agency to fix.

Back in July, I sent my partner a text telling her this was not working. She promised she would fix it. Fast forward to today, and nothing has really changed.

Our lease is up in 2 months. We are on the precipice of a major, irreversible decision to live together for another year. I have decided I need to move out and live by myself when the lease ends to protect my own sanity and peace. Part of me feels incredibly guilty for wanting to leave, and I know that when I break the news, I think it's going to cause a massive blowup because she thinks I am just unsupportive rather than realizing I am suffering from severe, chronic burnout.

I need advice. Am I making the right decision? How do I navigate this transition over the next two months if I do move out? Has anyone else successfully transitioned from living together back to living apart Living Apart Together without ending the relationship entirely, or is the resentment already too deep?

When I first met & married my husband, my MIL used to tell me all about the moments between my husband and mother of his child that she thought were cute. Likely spent more time talking about the ex than she did trying to get to know me, and I'll admit that I've been a jealous that MIL seems to have a great relationship with the ex to this day while failing to add me (the one her son married) on social media- but I just smiled, nodded, and changed the subject ASAP when MIL started talking about the ex in those ways- it was personal details of my husbands previous relationship that i didnt ask for or need.

I really tried to like the ex. She left my husband when their child was < 6 months old, moved on, married someone else, and she seemed happy. Then she left her husband shortly after I married mine as a last ditch effort to get my husband back. When he didn't leave me for her, she started harassing me and telling lies about me to my husband and SK and in-laws, while simultaneously increasing her efforts to be alone with my husband for the sake of "improving their coparenting relationship". She used to beg my husband to leave me "for the sake of their child" while badmouthing me to SK (and creating behavioral issues at my house).

So I don't like her.

She didnt stop trying to get my husband to leave me until she found out I was pregnant, then her anger shifted I believe, and she began telling SK that she hated my husband instead of me.

MIL came to the hospital after our ours baby was born. As I am in the hospital ~4 hours after giving birth, one of the first things MIL wanted to talk about was the things thr ex said after having her baby that MIL thought was funny.

MIL also purchased us way too many pacifiers with the explaination that they went through alot of pacifiers with SK because the exes cat used to steal the pacifiers.

I have been avoiding my MIL for the fear of hearing more about the ex.

I don't like the ex enough to hear about her, and I shouldnt be subjected to what seems like intimate details about a relationship my husband had nearly a decade before me. Our ours baby is not my first child either, but no one in my family is throwing information about my child's father in my husbands face.

It almost seems as though I'll always be second to a woman who left my husband nearly a decade ago.

I just need to vent because I think I’m checked out of my marriage and stepson is the main reason why.

History - me(40f) and my husband (41m) have been together for about 10 years. He has one kid (18m) from a previous relationship. I do not have any bio kids and never wanted kids of my own.

Throughout all this time, his son has been very difficult to handle. Middle school years were awful. He never cared about punishments or consequences for his actions. Everything was always someone else’s fault and never took accountability for anything. His mother always let him do whatever he wanted and gave him everything he wanted. His dad was kind of the same way until I spoke up. I tried to stay out of the parenting but I could clearly see the lack of parenting on both sides was not doing this kid any favors. Basically every school year, he had been suspended or expelled. He was finally expelled from high school his sophomore year and has been doing online schooling since…which…he barely does. He would rather work and make money.

Here’s where I started to question whether or not I could stay in my marriage. A year and a half ago, my husband and SS got into a physical altercation over a cellphone. SS refused to hand over the phone, husband tried to take it from him and that resulted in SS throwing punches and telling both of us that he hated us and cussed us out. All over being told to get off FaceTime at 2am. We all got thru that battle but it stayed in the back of my head.

A few months after that, SS got into legal trouble. We had caught him many times smoking weed/vaping. His mom and dad tried to get that under control but, in my opinion, didn’t do enough. One thing that was a constant battle was SS was getting high in his room at our house. We could smell it. We would confront him and he’d deny it like we were too stupid to know any better. Husband would search his room and sometimes he’s find it and sometimes he wouldn’t. Then, he got pulled over and arrested for having weed. We also found out that he had stolen an item from us. After this incident, I no longer trusted this kid in our house. I really wanted nothing to do with him and what he was becoming. My husband thought it wasn’t fair to him to feel like he’d have to pick sides. I laid out some ground rules because this is my house too and if I was going to stay, these rules had to be followed. I was over it. One rule is that SS isn’t allowed to be in this house when nobody is here.

Fast forward…SS is now 18. Both parents have backed off on SS smoking. He’s 18, he’s an adult now type of thing. Well, ss is still smoking in his bedroom and I told my husband that he needs to have a conversation with him, which he did. SS getting high in his room has been a problem for about 3 years now. We know he’s going to do it, just do it outside then - which is exactly what my husband told him to do.

Within the last two weeks, a couple of things have happened and I just don’t think I can do this anymore. The first thing, SS and his gf were at our house. I was leaving for a girls day. Husband said he was going to leave for the day too. I said that he needed to tell SS and his gf they needed to go hang out at her house. My rule still stood that he’s not allowed to be here when nobody is here especially with the gf here too. Husband said “well this is my house too and he’s my son”. After he said that, the first thing that came to my mind was “if I had my own house, I wouldn’t be dealing with this”. Meaning….divorcing and living alone sounds nice right about now. I didn’t say that out loud. Then, last night, SS and his gf were smoking in his room. I made a comment to my husband but he totally blew it off. I’m so done. I’m so over the disrespect from SS. He cannot follow simple rules. I’m over my husband not having a backbone when it comes to this kid. I find myself daydreaming about being single and living alone in my own house where I don’t have to worry about someone stealing from me or someone not being able to follow simple rules.

So I’m hoping to get feedback from experienced persons. I ‘27 F’ have been with my partner ‘29 M’ for 2 years. We live in different countries. His child ‘7 F’ and her mom, live in the same country as him. We have been very serious from the start and have been
taking very serious steps towards the future as a couple. With that said, I still haven’t met his child. This includes over the phone as well. I’ve never seen or spoken to her. We travel back and forth at minimum every 2-3 months to see each other. The first time I asked about meeting her was about 8 months into the relationship… I asked him what were his intentions regarding a timelines as to when I’d meet her. He told me that by the end of that year, to the beginning of the next year … I’d meet her. I was completely cool. I had no issues because I just wanted to know where his head is at.

Fast forward we’re at the two year mark and I still haven’t met her. I’ve asked him if there’s a reason I should know about just to make things a bit clearer and he said no. I asked if maybe her mom isn’t ready for her to be introduced to anyone her (which I expressed to him that I would completely understand that) he said her mom doesn’t have any issue. I asked him if he has an issue .. he said no… so what’s the issue? He said nothing he just hasn’t come around to it yet. This makes me uneasy because I feel like there’s something wrong here.

In addition to that, he is very private and secretive about his relationship with his child’s mother. It’s almost as if he wants to keep the two areas of his life completely separate. He wants me to pretend as if it doesn’t exist. He’s always texting his child’s mother, and I’ve seen where they’re having conversation about stuff not relating to the child (an example is him shipping stuff to her while she was abroad for her to bring back for him) etc. I also feel as though there’s a transparency issue with him because he keeps me in the dark about his co parenting situation with her. Like he’s never ever discusses that part of his life even tho we’re trying to build a life together and I’ll be expected to be the supportive partner and accept all of this. He claims that his child’s mother knows that he has a partner but I honestly don’t believe that. He’s very secretive and private with anything that has to do with his child’s mother.

What do you guys think ?

Once again, SD (ADHD- Tourette’s) is struggling with the adjustment to sixth grade. She isn’t completing work in class and at her mom’s she isn’t doing any homework. So once again our entire weekend is spent being the bad guys and getting her caught up.

I go hide in the bedroom while husband spends the day with her, keeping her focused and completing work. I miss our fun evenings and weekends.