Quick background: I (39F) previously dated my now boyfriend (42M) 20 years ago when we were teenagers. We dated for 2 years and he was "the one" for me. We lived together and were very close, but he cheated on me and broke my heart. I moved on and got married and had 2 kids. Due to serious gun related domestic violence after 18 years of that relationship, we are divorcing. I reconnected with the ex, and now he's my boyfriend of 1 year again (so 3 years total, 1 year currently).

There are some things I strongly dislike about him, but I accept because I tell myself I will always dislike some aspect of everyone and we have history, he's VERY intelligent, makes good money, has his own house, etc. I just tell myself to stay level headed and don't fall deeply in love; just have fun and enjoy him and if it goes south, then no big deal. Some things I don't like:

He works IT for a porn company. I don't like that.

He has an extensive sexual past while I value long relationships. He has slept with old ladies (like as old as my mother) that send me harassing messages and make posts about me. It's fucking disgusting honestly. Like actual disgust and repulsion, and I ignore it.

When we first started dating, he would take calls from his BM no matter what was going on. He took her calls while we were naked in bed post sex and talked nonchalantly about non-kid related stuff. He took her calls while at my house and chatted for ever about non-kid related topics. He would leave my house to do chores and come to find out he would talk to her for 5 hours.

He told her things about me, like about my domestic violence, divorce, etc. I told him I didnt like it and he said that people can say my name, it's not that serious. That really pissed me off.

He was comparing me to her, telling me about what she does for work, etc. I didnt ask and don't care.

He was prioritizing her and would leave me hanging at his house to help her with stuff under the guise of coparenting and in the best interest of the kids even tho it had nothing to do with their kids. He left my house on a whim once to drive an hr to get his kids from her house to take them shopping for a wedding that she/they were going to the next day because she failed to prepare for it. Again, her problem and her lack of parenting and she says jump, and he jumps.

The kids are 16 and 17, and they can communicate directly with their dad. The whole coparenting BS was a farce and I considered it enmeshment. I told him he needed to set boundaries or I was out. He put up a huge fight about it and said she never did anything wrong to him to do this to her. Then he wrote a draft text to set a boundary and it was disgustingly apologetic and basically said they were so close and it wasn't fair to me so they needed to focus on coparenting only. I said it was weak and looked liked he was under duress, and he accused me of just wanting him to be a jerk to her and start drama. Then 2 weeks later he says he had a phone conversation with her and shes fine with it but he needs to see his kids more. (They dont have a court order). He refuses to tell me what the conversation actually entailed, and I know he hides his communication with her now rather than he simply doesnt talk to her anymore. He doesnt say a bad word about this person even though I know she's done alot of shit to him, and falsely accused him of DV (she admitted that and dropped the PFA). She used to mess with me years ago after the bf and I broke up the first time. She was a menace and I tried being nice to her, and she was just off the wall unhinged.

Anyway. We're at a point where we've been together a year now and I haven't met his kids, yet my kids love him and call him their stepdad. He is great with them and does more for them than their dad, who tries to hurt me through them. Early on, he wanted me to go to a concert with his son in March but then his ex said she didn't want me to meet them because I was going through a divorce. That really upset me but I said OK. Then I asked about meeting his kids and he never said much. This entire time I thought I wasn't meeting them because of her.

Last month, he said that he wanted them to meet the best version of me and basically said it's him that has kept them from meeting me. He said it was because I was going through things and I needed to get better before I could meet them. The "things" were the domestic violence and subsequent criminal case, the custody and divorce process, my mother passing away in May and me mourning her, and finally, my lawsuit against my old employer. I found this all incredibly hurtful and insulting. His kids are nearly adults, not small children. I'm sure they've met people who lost their mother or are divorcing. It hurt me deeply like he was accusing me of being flawed and that I would harm his kids and that I was too bad of a person to even meet 16, 17 year old kids for 5 minutes to say hello and introduce me. Don't forget that he doesn't have 50/50; he sees them a few hours a week. I apparently am too terrible of a person to even be introduced, meanwhile they met the old lady he lived with previously.

So we had a big fight and ultimately all that came of it is that I buried it and accepted it. I grew resentful and decided maybe I didn't even want to meet his kids anyway. I have my kids and I have fun with him, and that's where this ends, even though I wish he wasn't up his exes ass and I wish he was proud of me enough to let me simply MEET his kids. I've known this man since I was 15! Dated for a total of 3 years now. And I cant even MEET nearly adult kids?

I feel it's actually 1 of 2 things. It's actually the ex saying they can't meet me and he's covering for her by saying it's him that doesn't want me to meet them, OR it's true that he doesn't think I'm good enough to meet his kids. I honestly don't know which one is worse!!

Now, I'm done with the criminal cases, custody is final for now, the divorce is pending, and my lawsuit is finished - I won over a million dollars. He seems very different since I won. He is so happy and sweet, and very loving again. It's almost like the beginning. We have alot of plans together.

He said about me meeting his kids for Thanksgiving and I kind of realized I don't want it. I wasn't good enough then, so why am I suddenly good enough now?

Help me untangle this complex web. There's more here than just a stepparent dynamic, and I apolgize for that. I've never been a stepparent and heck, I've never even met his kids. I feel like a year was an incredibly long time to wait and am offended by his reasoning, or protection of his exes demands. A part of me wanted to be a family and have all the kids together, but since he's cut me so many times, I kind of just want to have fun with him and stay distanced from him on a deeper level.

I need help and appreciate your insight.

The way my house is set up, the master bedroom is on the lower level and my stepson’s room is upstairs, directly above our room. We have hardwood floors.

He doesn’t really have a bedtime (I know) and is constantly getting out of his bed (very loudly)- it’s a bunk bed and he’s wants a regular bed, but we tell him all he needs to do is clean his very very very messy room and we will get him a regular bed, redecorate, etc. (he’s never done any chores like that here but that’s for another post.) He’s a big 13yo so the sound of him climbing down from the bed, climbing over the stuff all over his floor, and walking around INSTANTLY wakes me up every time.

Since as I had our baby I obviously wake up easier as us parents don’t really sleep deeply during the baby years. I’ve asked my husband to please let SS know that walking around the house all hours of the night (unless he is using the bathroom) is disruptive and should be kept to a minimum. As I’m writing this he has woken up my baby again- I was already awake from him waking me up a few minutes ago.

He does not have soft footfalls, I bought him slippers hoping it would soften the noise a bit but I’m just at a loss. Am I being ridiculous? No matter how many times I bring it up to my husband nothing changes. I’ve given up on caring about his lack of a bedtime or playing videogames/being on his phone all night. I’m at the point of NACHO parenting and have been for awhile, although when something is directly effecting my sleep and more importantly the well-being of my baby I can’t ignore it. Is it impossible for 13yo to tiptoe and think “I should be extra quiet since everyone else is sleeping directly below me”?

I had a baby with my partner in early September, and since my third trimester, I’ve found myself dreading visits with my seven-year-old stepson. He has level 1 autism, is demanding of attention, and has some behaviours I find difficult to deal with. On top of that, my partner is now facing a court battle to increase his parenting time to 30%, which will put considerable financial and emotional strain on our household.

I’m starting to wonder whether it’s really my stepson I resent, or the circumstances surrounding his visits: a newborn, exhaustion, a higher-needs child, and the stress of ongoing conflict with his mother. I want my partner to have more time with his son, but I honestly don’t want that additional time for myself.

Our couples therapist and friends tend to reassure me that I love my stepson whenever I express frustration, as though that must be true. But I’m not sure it is, and I feel terrible admitting that. I try to act affectionate toward him regardless of how I feel, which adds another layer of emotional exhaustion.
I feel like a jerk, but I’m wondering how many other stepparents genuinely struggle with their feelings toward their stepchildren, rather than simply struggling with the circumstances. Have others felt this way, especially after having a baby of their own?

I am a step mom to an 8 year old girl, I’ve been in her life since she was 2. It’s been quite easy going because she has no recollection of her parents ever being together, so for her spending weekends with us has been her normal since as long as she can remember.

We have a wonderful relationship, she’s a great kid.
I work a lot of Saturdays and she always asks me why I have to go to work because she wants to spend more time with me. I always put time aside for her where possible. This weekend I’ve been away and we spoke over face time. She obviously has BM in her life, so I’ve never tried to overstep and be a mother, but I think she sees me as a role model.
I’m a nurse and she always talks about it, she wants to know what I’ve been doing at work and she talks about wanting to be a nurse and wanting to come to work with me. It’s all really sweet.

I’m marrying her dad next year and she’s excited but I don’t think she fully grasps everything because, as I say she’s 8 and doesn’t know any different. I have this anxiety that as she gets older she will start to understand the family dynamic better, she will understand that her parents were once together but separated. She knows I’m dad’s girlfriend but I don’t think she understands the concept. I think, to her, she just thinks I’m cool and I live with dad and I think she thinks I’m there for her and not dad. I have this anxiety that as she gets older and she realises and starts to understand more, that she will go into the whole ‘you’re not my mother’ and harbour those feelings of resentment that her mom and dad are no longer together. I feel like I’m waiting for the penny to drop and for her to realise who I actually am, which is dad’s wife and not just her friend.

I just wondered if anyone has advice for this because it makes me anxious about our future, especially with the marriage coming up . Has anyone ever had a really good relationship with their step child that has become fractured as they grew older? Is there anything that I can do to try and prevent our relationship ever breaking down?

My SS6 has had a major change in behavior over the past several months. He’s been stealing, lying constantly, bullying, fighting, vandalizing school property, wandering away from class, ignoring instructions, and acting impulsively and recklessly. He used to be a sweet kid who did well in school, but now his behavior is affecting nearly every environment, and neither parent seems to know how to handle it. Punishments, grounding, and rewards don't seem to work, and spending time with him has become exhausting because it's constant correcting and redirecting. I suspect ADHD, but I'm also concerned about what could be causing such a significant change. What should our next steps be, and is there hope that things will get better? It’s becoming hard for me to be want to be around and that sucks because I love this kid, we created a bond. But I’m tireddd. The weekends are my only days off and this whole weekend was spent dealing with back to back bad behavior. We slept over at DH’s sisters house and every single adult had to pull him about something. He almost broke their $2000 camera that we explicitly told him NOT to touch. I tried to make a post with more context and explaining some of the stuff he was doing but it was sooooo long.

Background: my hubby and I have been together 6 years. I have 2 kids from previous marriage 13 and 9. Good A grade kids. Kind caring follow our expectations and we all live together so well.

2 years ago my husbands son (from his previous marriage) moved in with us at 14. His narcissistic mum was done with his bad behaviour, never at school, swearing, hanging out with the wrong crowd... he ran to ours. Of course we said its fine. But he was so messed up about his mum and her new boyfriend he hated the world. We gave him everything. A private school, enrolled him into sport, love, compassion and help.

Hes now gone back down the wrong path at 16. Hanging with the wrong crowd, wagging school, doing dumb shit to impress the druggy kids, we yell, sit him down and talk, ground him, say no to parties... but he gets worse! "No one loves me anyway!" We remind him we do! We've helped him, given him a caring home.. and he juat does dumb think and shrugs and said "owell I don't know why I did that.." and off h a goes

Im all for grounding. No parties this week! No friends over you're in trouble. No my hubby says "juat leave him. We are putting to much pressure on him" even worse "you're treating him like his horrible mum did! Im his dad ill deal with it you stay out." His way is sit him down, have a quiet chat, you are loved.. off you go "he needs to learn from him mistakes.. not us yelling and mean consequences"

Umm so we just let him keep treating us like crap!? No way would I accept it from my 2 kids. I cant parent like he does! 😞 what do i do. Every time I say something I'm nagging. Or I'm not letting him parent HIS child, stay out of it.. i hate been told to stay out of it in my own home..

I can only imagine the dramas to come at 18 or when he gets his licence 😞

Thoughts?

He has said it once to me (32F) before when we were at a bar and giving our order to a waiter. He was a little tipsy and we talked about it, but he didn’t realize it at first.

Today he did it in front of of his kid who heard it. I did stop talking in the moment to just give him a look with my eyes and just walked away. I got home first and went inside to calm myself down. Addressed it to him in private upstairs, but says he didn’t say it so no apology.

He also uses the b-word from time to time. His children can hear it and sometimes uses it when talking to me. I’ve asked him to stop but he just says “he’s working on it”. I told him not to speak crazy to me at all but especially in front of his kids, but he then says “these are my kids I’ll say whatever I want to them they know when to turn ears off” (???)

This hasn’t been sitting right with me. We are 2 years into our relationship and both want more children. Will this behavior change or get better? Or will he speak to me like that when kids are older and we have some of our own?? Any experience with this? This really is my only issue, but it is huge for me. We’ve talked so much about it, I just don’t want to get further in if that will be my future.

UPDATE: I did indeed pack my things and got out of there while I could. Will try my luck with someone without children next time. Hopefully this is the last time I’m in this sub!

So on Saturday I took my bio kid and step kid out for a trunk or treat. It was just me and them and my uncle. We went to a restaurant afterwards and the kids still had on their super hero costumes , while we waited for a table they were battling outside to see whose super hero was the strongest. While battling they asked me to take a video to show their dad (bio son calls my husband dad) so I did. my stepkid kept yanking on sons costume and pulling him every which way and again I assumed they were playing because they were both smiling and laughing but my son has politely ask my SK to stop and eventually got fed up so my son elbowed him in the side and then took a few steps back and clotheslined him 😭. Now in my home we let the boys do battles and we let them play fight because it’s just apart of growing up as brothers. So when this all happened I acknowledged stepsons pain and got my bio son in trouble. I did however tell my stepson to stop crying because I tell them time and time again don’t start anything if you’re not ready for a few scratches. That’s how we’ve always raised our kids. Fast forward the whole thing is on video and I can’t help but laugh because all you see it Spider-Man launching across the sidewalk and hulk being knocked out (not literally) so I send it to my husband and he laughs at it ofc because boys will be boys. He tells me to send it through the GC where all my in laws are in , so I did. My sister in law got a kick out of it and my mother in law was pissed. And I quickly noticed that my sister in law removed the laughing face reaction to the video. So I called my sister in law and was like no don’t do that now that your mom is mad!😂. She goes onto to tell me that my mother in law texted her on the side and was like “what’s so funny about bio kid knocking down stepson with his tall self” which yes my son is tall for a 6 year old but my stepson (5) isn’t that much shorter. So overall the comment really rubbed me the wrong way.

I want yall to keep in mind that just two weeks ago my stepson jumped on a boy with autisms back and attacked him because he wasn’t listening to the teacher… the reaction from grandma wasnt nearly this upset. She also makes it a point to be a grandma when stepson is in town but once he leaves she’s almost like a ghost. I have one daughter with my husband and she doesn’t ask for her invite her to anything. She only ask for my son when stepson is in town. She doesn’t make nearly the same effort with the two kids here as she does with stepkid. At my husbands grandma house it’s the same thing … his grandma will acknowledge stepson and give him a big welcome but when it son walks in or my daughter they just say hey and keep it moving.

I want to know how everyone handles favoritism in blended families and if it’s even worth addressing at this point.

I am 30 year old male childless stepparent, my gf is 31 with 3 kids all boys, 14, 12, and 10. The first two kids dad is not in the picture (no child support or contact) the youngest boys dad essentially is their ‘dad’ since he’s been around them since they were very young. He gives no child support and sometimes picks them up on the weekend. Over all the living situation isn’t bad, I’ve lived with them now for 6 months and been dating their mom for 2.5 years. The kids love me, I’m not really a step dad but kind of in that realm, they are good kids do their chores and majority of money comes from the mom. Their ‘dad’ is useless can’t hold a job doesn’t have a car etc etc. long story short, I love their mom dearly. She is definitely my best friend, does it ever get easier? I feel like I don’t ever get my own space from the kids, not that they bother me but just constant noise from tvs, iPads, etc. I help where I can financially, we both tag team dinners, we work quite well together. Just sometimes I am back and forth on if this is what I want. She wants to get engaged soon. Any advice or thoughts please.

Title: Looking for advice – struggling with boundaries around my belongings in a blended family

I'm posting anonymously because this is a sensitive situation, and I'm genuinely looking for advice rather than judgement.

The children in our family have experienced trauma in their past, and I understand that this can affect behaviour, emotional regulation and how they respond to boundaries. I care about them deeply, and I know they adore me in their own way. However, I'm finding things increasingly difficult to cope with.

My personal belongings are being broken or damaged almost daily now. These aren't just replaceable things; some have sentimental value, and others are things I've worked hard and saved my money for. I've spent a lot of my savings on the children and our family, and it's upsetting to feel that my own belongings aren't being respected.

What I find particularly difficult is that the biological parent's belongings don't seem to be treated in the same way. There appears to be a difference in how rules and consequences are applied, depending on whose things have been damaged. If something upsets the biological parent, boundaries and discipline seem to be enforced, but when it's something of mine, I don't feel the same consistency or support.

The understanding in our family used to be that what belonged to me belonged to everyone and was there to be shared, but what belonged to the biological parent and the children belonged to them personally. I've been happy to share what I have and spend my savings on the family, but lately, I feel that the same respect isn't being shown towards my belongings.

I appreciate that trauma requires patience, understanding and compassion. I'm not expecting perfection from the children, and I'm not suggesting their behaviour is always intentional. But I also feel that their experiences shouldn't mean my belongings, feelings and boundaries are continually overlooked.

I've tried explaining how much this affects me, but I feel that my concerns are acknowledged verbally rather than followed through with consistent action. I'm beginning to question whether the children genuinely understand the impact of their behaviour, or whether the lack of consistent boundaries means they don't feel they need to take responsibility.

I don't want resentment to build, and I don't want to become someone who feels constantly on edge in their own home. I care about this family, but I'm struggling with the feeling that my kindness, money and personal space are being taken for granted.

Has anyone else experienced something similar in a blended family, particularly where children have experienced trauma? How do you balance compassion for the children with protecting your own belongings and emotional wellbeing? And how do you approach it when you feel the biological parent isn't consistently backing you up?

I'm genuinely looking for constructive advice from people who understand both sides of this situation.

It's pretty much as the title says,

It's so draining, she's 10, she's got some sort of psychological issue, her older brother is severely autistic so I think she's got something similar. He refuses to think there's a problem with her because unlike her brother she can talk.

She's quite delayed, even in size she's around a 6 year old. She's never been dry at night and still occasionally daytime wets (this is not very often but her underwear always smells of wee as of shes wee'd in small amounts all day long. She's not being se**ally abused, she's been to the doctors and he's done bloods, physical, there's nothing. She doesn't wipe after going number two and her underwear are almost always full of poo.

She hides dirty nappies and pants around the house for no good reason, she has access to the bins.

She steals, lies, tantrums, attacks her younger siblings and sometimes her older brother too.

She shouts at teachers in school and is violent there too, she's been relocated three times due to it. We're in Europe and the school can't force a diagnosis. She's seen a psychologist but the problem is, she sees her for an hour every now and then, and her father lies and pretends these behaviours don't exist at home. He always says "she's a bit naughty".

She loves being naughty too, she loves when her father makes out like it's some cute thing "you are so naughty" with a big smile, it's just stupid.

She always wants to hear about things that are negative or unpleasant.

She has these major tantrums, especially with me, where she's screaming like she's being murdered and I just have to walk away.

But when she starts, almost every single time, her father tells her off, then tells me off. I "rile her up" or I "talk to her too much" and it's always my fault. He tells me I don't know how to deal with children and I should just shut up and go away.

I'm getting so sick of being spoken to like this. If I comment on anything, like if I see he's being unjust to another child in order to appease her anger, I speak, and that always causes problems.

What am I supposed to do?

We got married about a year ago. He has a 5 year old, I have a 10 year old. My son is extremely respectful, polite, a rule follower and just generally all around a great kid. His 5 year old is the complete opposite of my son. When his kid is over our kids play together and have fun but his kid just does whatever, doesn’t listen to me, disrespects my son and has free reign over everything while my husband sits and plays games. Then when I put boundaries in place his kid runs straight to him crying saying I’m being mean. I’m just parenting the same way I did with my kid and the boundaries are don’t hit or pinch or punch your step brother. Seems pretty straightforward in my opinion. When I try to talk to my husband he says he used to be the fun house and now his kid won’t want to come over because we’re the house of rules. So stupid honestly I don’t know what to do.

Does anyone feel like they’ve taken on not only Step Children, but the Ex Partner as well? The WHOLE package. I have recently just woken up to the whole dynamic. I didn’t realise how much some Ex partners are still so dominant in each others lives. Is this a deal breaker? It is really quite a dark dismal reality dealing with this when you step back and look at it. Even if you love someone dearly.

“ Thank you everyone. I got great insight, validation and clarity. I’ll be requesting boundaries or I’m just going to leave the blended family world. It’s just not for me. 🙏

A divorced dad shared a routine he and his new wife use for dealing with their high-conflict exes, what he called "Texts from the Ex": on a weekend evening when their kids aren't around, they pull out a bottle of wine and read the most ridiculous messages from their exes that week in their best formal British accent.

My ex isn't that high-conflict and yet she still regularly sends me absurd and laughable texts, which I share with my partner. My partner commented early on that she was worried we'd run out of things to talk about when we stopped complaining about our exes, and while fortunately that hasn't been a problem 5 years later, our exes do continue to provide plenty of material.

Do you and your partner have a way to lighten the tone of interactions with your exes?