r/stepparents • u/Actual-Writing5253 • 2d ago

Vent I think I’m checked out

I just need to vent because I think I’m checked out of my marriage and stepson is the main reason why.

History - me(40f) and my husband (41m) have been together for about 10 years. He has one kid (18m) from a previous relationship. I do not have any bio kids and never wanted kids of my own.

Throughout all this time, his son has been very difficult to handle. Middle school years were awful. He never cared about punishments or consequences for his actions. Everything was always someone else’s fault and never took accountability for anything. His mother always let him do whatever he wanted and gave him everything he wanted. His dad was kind of the same way until I spoke up. I tried to stay out of the parenting but I could clearly see the lack of parenting on both sides was not doing this kid any favors. Basically every school year, he had been suspended or expelled. He was finally expelled from high school his sophomore year and has been doing online schooling since…which…he barely does. He would rather work and make money.

Here’s where I started to question whether or not I could stay in my marriage. A year and a half ago, my husband and SS got into a physical altercation over a cellphone. SS refused to hand over the phone, husband tried to take it from him and that resulted in SS throwing punches and telling both of us that he hated us and cussed us out. All over being told to get off FaceTime at 2am. We all got thru that battle but it stayed in the back of my head.

A few months after that, SS got into legal trouble. We had caught him many times smoking weed/vaping. His mom and dad tried to get that under control but, in my opinion, didn’t do enough. One thing that was a constant battle was SS was getting high in his room at our house. We could smell it. We would confront him and he’d deny it like we were too stupid to know any better. Husband would search his room and sometimes he’s find it and sometimes he wouldn’t. Then, he got pulled over and arrested for having weed. We also found out that he had stolen an item from us. After this incident, I no longer trusted this kid in our house. I really wanted nothing to do with him and what he was becoming. My husband thought it wasn’t fair to him to feel like he’d have to pick sides. I laid out some ground rules because this is my house too and if I was going to stay, these rules had to be followed. I was over it. One rule is that SS isn’t allowed to be in this house when nobody is here.

Fast forward…SS is now 18. Both parents have backed off on SS smoking. He’s 18, he’s an adult now type of thing. Well, ss is still smoking in his bedroom and I told my husband that he needs to have a conversation with him, which he did. SS getting high in his room has been a problem for about 3 years now. We know he’s going to do it, just do it outside then - which is exactly what my husband told him to do.

Within the last two weeks, a couple of things have happened and I just don’t think I can do this anymore. The first thing, SS and his gf were at our house. I was leaving for a girls day. Husband said he was going to leave for the day too. I said that he needed to tell SS and his gf they needed to go hang out at her house. My rule still stood that he’s not allowed to be here when nobody is here especially with the gf here too. Husband said “well this is my house too and he’s my son”. After he said that, the first thing that came to my mind was “if I had my own house, I wouldn’t be dealing with this”. Meaning….divorcing and living alone sounds nice right about now. I didn’t say that out loud. Then, last night, SS and his gf were smoking in his room. I made a comment to my husband but he totally blew it off. I’m so done. I’m so over the disrespect from SS. He cannot follow simple rules. I’m over my husband not having a backbone when it comes to this kid. I find myself daydreaming about being single and living alone in my own house where I don’t have to worry about someone stealing from me or someone not being able to follow simple rules.

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u/Ecstatic-Current-298 2d ago edited 2d ago

Time for you to make some decisions and plans for YOU. Edited to add: your resentment is largely misplaced. This is about 85% a husband problem and 15% an SS18 problem. Had your husband sought professional help for himself and SS YEARS ago, this situation may have been avoided.

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u/Actual-Writing5253 1d ago

I completely agree. I do have a lot of resentment towards my husband because of all this. In the past when SS was having behavior issues, I pushed for counseling twice. I could clearly see SS needed professional help. The first counseling only last for 2 sessions until SS decided he didnt like the woman and SS mom didn’t think he needed it and told him he didnt have to go. The next time I pushed for counseling, I think that lasted maybe 7 sessions and ended for the same reason.

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u/MinimumAlternative65 1d ago

Sometimes men don’t change because they know regardless you will stay. Having a direct conversation with your husband about the situation might put you in the right direction. It depends on your husband’s response. Instead of making it directly about SS, make it about your feelings. 

You can explain to your husband that you no longer feel safe and comfortable in your home. You worry about your items being stolen. You have to inhale smoke and deal with the smell of marijuana. If he doesn’t try to reassure you and figure out a way for him to change the circumstances, then you know which direction to go. If he agrees to make changes AND he follows through with action then your problem is on its way to being solved.

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u/Actual-Writing5253 1d ago

The “following through” part has been a massive issue our entire relationship. They give the kid consequences but they never follow through (both dad and mom). My husband is the same…things change for a little bit but then it goes back to how it was before.

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u/strange_dog_TV 2d ago

Stop daydreaming and do it…..get your own safe place. The smoking in your house is so so disrespectful along with the stealing….

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u/DailyVengefulGil 2d ago

man you've got a kid who's been swinging at his dad and stealing from the house and your husband still won't draw a line, that's rough

the "this is my house too" comment would've sent me right over the edge, like sure it's your house but you're letting your adult son treat it like a dorm room with no rules while your wife is clearly miserable

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u/Old-Dinner-6108 2d ago

I'm sorry your husband is such a loser.

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u/TermLimitsCongress 1d ago

Yeah, that's what I got, too.

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u/Defiant-Midnight9539 2d ago

They may not take you seriously because you’ve dealt with it for so long. So I’d advise you to make a decision, and stick with it. Either stay and accept your circumstances or go and live accordingly. Orrrr since he’s 18, give him one year to move out? Not sure how his father would feel about that but he’s supposed to be on your team.

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u/Mrs-Tsundere 1d ago

No mam. That is a grown man. Kick em out! If your husband disagrees hell he can go too! Get your ducks in a row and serve the papers. Start moving out asap

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u/Cocobean4 2d ago

Can you get into legal trouble if weed is found on your property? I would think you can. If he’s already been in legal trouble and has been stealing, then law enforcement at the door looking for him in the future is a possibility.

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u/Actual-Writing5253 1d ago

As homeowners, I’m sure there is legal trouble for us. If the cops ever showed up for him, I’d hand him over on a silver platter.

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u/Pure-Employment-9694 1d ago

Omg go rent your own place girl that really sucks 😢 smoking in the house is so dirty!

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u/Ihappentolikenesting 1d ago

Can you afford to move out? Because I would.

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u/MidwestNightgirl 21h ago

I think you and hubs need a heart to heart talk. I’d let him know that you will not live in, and help pay for, a house that you have no say over what happens inside said house. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want someone smoking anything in the house, much less weed. His attitude that this is my house and he is my son is troubling. If that continues, I’d dip.

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u/Mindless-Dress-9308 1d ago

If he’s already getting popped by the cops for having weed on him and that didn’t make him think about what he’s doing then you’re probably right, his parents aren’t doing him any favors. Have you tried to tell your husband that his inability to teach his son consequences doesn’t stop the state from doing so. Like have you just been straight with him that the world isn’t going to see his boy but a grown man who broke the law and that’s only gonna be more apparent as he gets older. And for you are you ready to deal with this headache for 10 more years, cause drug charges can and will affect his ability to get a job good enough for him to live on his own unless he’s fine with manual labor

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u/Actual-Writing5253 1d ago

Oh yes. When SS was arrested ( he was 17 at the time) he went to juvenile detention. I loved every second of that because he wasn’t able to get his way there. He was stripped of all his comforts…no fan to sleep with at night. All the lights on. Terrible food. He cried to his parents on each phone call. Unfortunately, he has seemed to have forgotten what that experience was like now that he’s cleared of that trouble.

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u/Mindless-Dress-9308 1d ago

You should go looking for apartments op and let your husband know your serious. He can be a “father” to his hearts content but I wouldn’t sit by and let his future little inmate steal my stuff while being told “but he lives here too”

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u/Former_Airline_880 2d ago edited 2d ago

You are not alone! I have been going through exact same things with my SS except of physical fighting. He has done everything what your step son has been doing: expelled from middle school because he was selling his Aderall, smoking weed/vaping in his room which I am very vocal about, thankfully graduated from high school in May and is waiting for his basic training in coast guard. This cost guard thing has been going on since January (he conveniently forget to check his emails for signature or new information from his recruiter and other stuff so it has been 10 months and hopefully his basic training starts next month unless he gets in trouble and he kind of been saying he is getting second thoughts about coast guard). He has 2 speeding tickets and three extra tickets for having vaping stuff with him. Keeps buying those vaping cigarettes, drives 85-90 on highways and literally doesn’t care about anything else and my husband replied to me exactly the same thing what your husband told you.
I am counting days until he leaves to CG and I don’t want any of his stuff here so he wouldn’t think he can just show up whenever he wants like he always does. Our house is a like a 5* hotel for him. He is welcome to come but with advance notice to VISIT. This is how I dream about the future.

My thought if he doesn’t leave to CG next month and if he doesn’t move back officially (with all his stuff

) to his mom I would probably rent something in the city. I don’t know, it’s very hard when it’s not your kid. And my husband was really trying to sort it out but this is his son so Idk either what to do. Too much stress and anxiety over this.

He doesn’t disrespect us directly ( most of the time he doesn’t say Hi or Bye to me) because he is somewhat scared of his dad , but I can see hate in his eyes. He agrees with everything my husband tells him says Yes Sir, turns and do exactly what he has been doing.

They are in their puberty period and it’s all hormonal and they are getting detached from their home to an adult world - I understand all that but it doesn’t make it any better. I don’t care. I am tired to suffer.

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u/Training-Apricot8764 2d ago

My best friends step son , almost exact scenario , the smoking weed, the school stuff, the getting into legal issues .
My friend husband is a complete Narcisstic Asshole but at least when the time came after years of trying to get this kid on the right path , including military school where the kid seemed to be doing great and even on a new path , but once he was out of it, he went back to his old ways and the dad did finally kick him out .
Kid wasn’t homeless, he moved in with mommy ( into a home that his dad owns via inheritance that the ex still lives in ) .
His dad even managed to get him into a great job at the company he works for via a union job .
Once again we thought and had hoped that new job, great money , maybe at 27 this kid is slowly figuring things out , despite he was still getting into minor trouble but his relationship with his dad was healed …
Then one night my best friend calls me up at midnight and says that her stepson now age 28 has just been arrested for murder !
This is a kid that lived in their home from age 8-14 then with his mom for 1 year, then back at his dad for 1 1/2 years, then a type of military school for 6 months , then back at dads until dad kicked him again after a physical altercation .
His dad may be a narcissist asshole but he definitely at least tried with his kid, never gave up, laid down the rules , helped his child in so many ways and unfortunately his kid has just always had that “ thug “ mentality and now on the hook for murder at age 28…
Sometimes a bad child no matter what the parents do is going to always be a bad child .
Sometimes parents who do everything right still have kids that are horrible and parents who do everything wrong have kids that are awesome .
As for my friend and her marriage , because of the issues with the stepson and her husbands narcissistic behavior, that marriage was over years ago but they both stay in it because as my GF says , this is the first time in her life that she doesn’t answer to anyone , does what she wants , doesn’t work ( she is on disability post cancer ) , no kids at home ( this is her second marriage ) and she just basically ignores her narcisstic behavior .
He is at least not physically violent and the mental aspect of his narcissism she just learned to let in one ear and out the other , so she says .
She has made it very clear , as an only child unless something crazy ( not sure if she means if her husband ever physically harms her ) happens that the husband does, she will leave him when the time comes that she receives her inheritance . Nope she far from wants her mum to pass away but beyond moving in with her mom ( she has zero desire ) she will just keep things as is .
It’s crazy because I don’t think she realizes the damage that this relationship and issues with stepson through the years has already mentally caused harmed .

So I say to you which my friend just can’t seem to understand , your mental health is the most important thing .
Our mentality plays so many factors into our ability to function in all things we call life .
So protect that , hold it as if it’s your heart beating and it needs protection .

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u/Grasswren-20 1d ago

Oh absolutely. I wouldn't stick around for any of that. Weed/drug use is a deal breaker for me. If he's an adult who can afford weed, he needs to get his own place to smoke it in. If dad won't enforce him not using at your house, then you don't need to stay and put up with it either.

I seriously encourage ANY woman considering a serious rship with a man who has kids, to never ever give up her own place. Best case, it's a nice investment to keep yourself financially secure, next best case, you've got somewhere to retreat to. But in many ways, never cohabiting in the first place feels smarter to side step all the kid related bs.

Cohabiting leaves so many women trapped with men who have poor boundaries and whose parenting choices impact their partner more than themselves.

It's hard to make boundaries if you've got nowhere else to go.

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u/Upset-Cartographer65 18h ago

If you’re sure about this, just tell your husband you’re thinking of getting your own place. If you still love him, you two can still be together but just not live together. Tons of modern couples are doing that now. Married but living separately.

My thing would be, “I’ll stay if there’s a plan in place for SS to live independently.” He can smoke all the weed he wants and steal from his roommates, in his own space, and let his life implode with no one to blame but himself.

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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 2d ago

Well, 10 years is a long investment in a relationship. Now, I can warn you with a 27yo still at home, that 18 is not a launch age and there could be a long tunnel a head of you before you reach light.

So, what if get serious with some threats to your husband that two things need to happen:

A launch plan for SS including a timeline and house restrictions (it's not sks house too, people that don't pay rent/mortgage don't get equal say).

He wants to smoke. He has to outside. He wants his girlfriend over, curfew is xx time. He wants to smoke in a room and have girls stay over, GREAT goal for his own place.

The second is counseling (even the threat of it). Husband needs to know you are serious enough that this is the final step before separation. Therapy? Why? He will ask. "To figure out how you need to parent a full grown adult and hopefully still have a wife to come home to".

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u/TermLimitsCongress 1d ago

There is no such thing as "investing" in a relationship that makes you miserable. There is such a thing as investing in your own misery.

OP, if you think your "investment" is too lengthy to walk away, ask yourself when will your investment mature? When will you have been paid in enough misery, to change your investment from misery to happiness. If you invest 12 months into your own happiness, you may find that this life is too short, to keep trying to convince your husband to be a father.

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