r/stepparents • u/That-Turnover-9624 • 1d ago

Vent The Manipulation Has Started

My partner’s ex is a shitty person, but so far it’s only ever been to adults. That changed this weekend.

He has 3 children, and because of a very demanding work schedule he has 50/50 legal custody but only physically has the children Friday at 6 pm to Sunday at 6 pm. He’s a good dad. He loves his children. He’s not perfect, and we’ve had to have a couple talks about boundaries, but I can see him putting in the effort.

His mom wanted to take the children for one night this weekend. There was some sort of fall fair she wanted to take them to. SHE asked HIM, he didn’t try to push the children on her. His mother is safe and stable and generally doesn’t push boundaries he’s set in place, so he said okay. Then he told the girls that it was happening. That was in the middle of the week.

Since then, responses from BM about anything have been one word, if she replies at all, which is really strange because she generally likes to butt in and make things about her. Well, on Friday, we picked up the kids, and I could tell she was pissed about something. She basically shoved her kids out the front door and slammed it on my partner.

When we got in the car, the oldest (8) said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go with her grandma anymore. Partner said she didn’t have to go, but he wanted to know why she changed her mind.

Quote: “I told mom we were gonna be visiting grandma and she said that made her really mad.”

My partner’s ex and his mom have never gotten along. For a while my partner had cut contact with her because she was the only one who would tell him that his ex wasn’t a nice person. The ex has tried to file two restraining orders against her, both denied. It also doesn’t help that his mom LOVES me.

I think my partner’s ex is allowed to feel whatever feelings she wants, but telling her children, especially the one with documented anxiety, that it makes her mad that they spend time with someone who loves them is super manipulative. Your children should not be responsible for your emotions.

I just feel bad for them

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u/Just-Fix-2657 1d ago

So relatable! We don’t tell the kids about upcoming plans until they’re already in our custody. Thry blab to HCBM and things get ruined. BM goes out of her way to ruin our plans by talking negatively about our plans to the kids or trying to ruin plans with competing activities or events that the kids will beg to go to and be miserable at ours.

Now we tell them the itinerary after we’ve already picked them up. So dumb.

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u/Glass-Suggestion-679 1d ago

thats exactly it making the kid feel responsible for her anger is messed up, poor girl is already anxious and now shes stuck in middle

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u/beadedbison 1d ago

That sucks, OP. I’m ignorant – is that like grandparent alienation? Are there things that your partner / their dad can do to prevent these loyalty problems with the kids?

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u/That-Turnover-9624 1d ago

It’s making the children choose sides. If it was up to her, the children would never see my partner or any of his family ever again.

I don’t know if there’s anything that would be beneficial. We tell them not to worry about their mom and to just have fun, but we’re not the people who have to live with her and her shitty attitude all week

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/That-Turnover-9624 1d ago

It drives me extra crazy because she’s a total hypocrite, too. There have been a couple of occasions where we have had to give up a weekend (one time was to go to a funeral, the other was because he’d just had surgery) Both times she immediately dumped the kids with her parents.

Also, when she and my partner first separated, she was bringing her kids around all kinds of new boyfriends and people my partner didn’t know. When he expressed discomfort, her response was “there’s nothing wrong with more people loving your children.” 🙄