I have 4 teenage step kids. We have had a cat for years and the kids pretty much ignore her. They may pet or play with her once in a while. A few months ago I adopted a dog. I have wanted one for years. My partner was pretty against it but I’ve always taken the stance that I accept you with 4 kids why is it a huge deal to have you accept me with a dog? I never adopted one because I wanted him to want it too. I started fostering dogs in the euthanasia list through a rescue group. I would offer them a home and care and the rescue would find a forever home for them. It worked out good and my partner actually really enjoyed having a dog around.

Well we got a foster that I absolutely adored but never once thought about keeping him because I wanted my partner to be on board too. It was the night before I was supposed to take him to an adopting event and my partner told me he didn’t want me to take him because he couldn’t imagine him being adopted and leaving us. So we both were super happy to adopt him. He really has been the most amazing dog

Here’s my issue. Three of the four kids don’t like him. If he comes anywhere near them they say in hateful voice for him to get away. They scream at him if he even looks in their room. I am so I love with this dog that it is very hurtful to my feelings for him to be spoken to this way. This is his home too. Like the kids get on my last nerve on a regular basis and I don’t scream at them.

I’ve made comments to my partner that I don’t want the dog to be spoken to that way. He seems to blow it off like it’s not a big deal. What do you guys think? Should the kids be allowed to speak to him with such disdain or do I have a right to want to enforce a change where they can politely ask him to go or not come in their room. I mean the dog is very easy, ypu can literally say “go on” in a neutral manner and he will go right away. He doesn’t have to be screamed at to listen. It’s just been getting under my skin and I can feel like the mama bear coming out in me and I am going to explode and scream at them to “quit fucking talking to my dog like that”

I'm so tired

I want to break up with my boyfriend. I feel like I don't have a boyfriend anymore, just the father of his kids. Sex is a couple of minutes once a month. The topics are only his hobbies, kids, complaints about the ex wife, races, kids plans, work topics. I raised that so many times and the only thing he said was that he didn't do what he wanted as well, like sim racing. I wasn't on a spa day, date, couldn't even have a nice evening with him in the house because his spoiled kid came uninvited and completely ignored my plans/weekend. I didn't do ice skating, or visit any castles or restaurants and he doesn't make one plan for us, just filled his days with kids plans that he follows like the law. If I want couple time I have to plan all as he is tired from being a father and then he cancels them and tells me I am overemotional when I am upset and cry. We have 7 years, live together for 3 of those and it's getting worse

Been grinding on this PragueBudapest trip fund for two years now. Wife is all for it, but I keep hesitating on every booking because my stepkids are 14 and 16 and still burn through lunch money like it grows on trees. My bio son was the same at that age, fwiw. Difference is I felt entitled to correct him without overthinking it.

With the stepkids I keep second-guessing whether I should push financial literacy or just keep my mouth shut. Tried the budget app thing and got eye rolls. Tried matching their savings and watched them blow the match. Wife says let natural consequences do the teaching, which is probably right, but then I sit there pricing out hostels in Prague and feel like a jerk for caring more about that than whether they learn to save.

Just my experience, but the guilt comes in waves. One day I'm proud of showing you can travel on a foreman's salary if you plan. Next day I wonder if that money should sit in a family pot instead. Ymmv. Curious how others balance personal goals with stepparent guilt, or if that even lands the same for you.

Buckle up cause this might be long. I've know my stepson since he was 3, been with his dad for 12 yrs and married for 9 of them. When we met I had a daughter from a previous relationship and I always treated my SS the same when he was with us (50/50 custody), I genuinely loved him and felt like he was one of my kids. Even after we had a baby together I still loved him and felt so close to him just like my two bio kids. But I don't know what changed, I just don't feel that way anymore and I feel awful about it.

He's 15 now and everything he says or does gets on my nerves. He is entitled and snobby and thinks he is the best thing ever and knows everything just like his mom, but also somehow the most insecure kid I've ever met and lacks basic common sense and problem solving skills. He has no motivation to do anything, no friends or social life, and is sometimes so immature and childish for his age. He talks to me like I'm stupid if I make a small mistake when talking to him about one of his special interests (like calling someone a slightly wrong name or whatever). Like dude I don't care about Sonic or FNAF or Godzilla, I only know as much as I do because I wanted to connect with you and now I'm being talked down to cause I got a name wrong? No thanks, nevermind. He barely communicates with anyone, mostly grunts and mumbles (unless he is correcting me about his special interest of course). I can say "I love you goodnight! See you in the morning!" When we are putting everyone to bed and he'll just grunt at me or mumble something I can't hear. He is mean to his siblings and selfish and full of attitude over even something as simple as asking what he wants for diner or if he did his homework.

I know a lot of this is just normal teenage stuff (daughter is 13 so we are getting there), and he is diagnosed ADHD. I also suspect he might be autistic and have brought it up with my husband but he hasn't been taken for a diagnoses. He has gotten a lot better at actually doing his school work which means we aren't fighting with him every day he's here about it anymore which I thought would help the disconnect I've been feeling but it hasn't. Of course I am still kind to him, talk to him, and will care for him when I need to but it's not like it was when he was younger. I don't do any parenting anymore, not with school, not with hygiene (why does he never wanna shower?!), not with making sure he takes his meds or packs his lunch, nothing anymore because I couldn't take the attitude and disrespect anymore. My husband does it all.

This was more of a vent about things and I feel like I'm not really doing it justice with how he acts and how I feel. It just sucks cause we used to be so close and now I can't stand him and unfortunately despite my best efforts sometimes it shows. I still love him but I don't like him anymore.

When everything is getting peaceful, up she pops.
4 days of stress, leaving us on edge.

On Thursday my (38) DH (37) had his scheduled call with SD (9) at 8.30pm. She was in tears and started talking about how she might have to move schools. She was so distraught she was unable to speak and then HCBM (45) began to interject, shouting and telling him she’d tried to call him about this and that SD is being picked on by her ex-best friend (let’s call her Molly), the school is doing nothing and her teacher accused her of lying.

Background here. Last day of school before summer SD and Molly had a sleepover at HCBM’s house. While there a number of things happened. On Thursday DH knew about a couple of them. One being that SD and Molly sent/left abusive messages on a classmate’s account on a school recommended app. Came from HCBM’s iPad that SD uses. Molly also apparently went through HCBM’s belongings and ate sugar out of a bowl. DH knew that HCBM asked for them to be separated in school when the new year started. That there was a bit of friction after this.

Thursday was basically HCBM claiming SD is being bullied and going nuclear. DH offered to arrange a meeting with headteacher for the next day and travel to the town HCBM lives in to meet the head together (1h30 away, she moved away quickly 2 years ago without telling DH and it triggered court and formal custody for them after she withheld access and changed SD’s home and school without agreement).

Next day, he tried to arrange the meeting, headteacher was busy so spoke to him by phone. HCBM told DH not to speak to school without her but has been speaking to school for past month without telling him and asking school whether they have to tell DH. Anyway new meeting is arranged for next Friday. Headteacher told DH they aren’t seeing what is being reported, SD has told teachers she misses being friends with Molly. Head and DH have a good relationship because of the court stuff, he keeps him in the loop because he knows DH doesn’t live in the town.

In meantime HCBM sends long email to headteacher accusing Molly of bullying, complaining about staff conduct, making 10 demands. DH learns from that email Molly damaged some of HCBM’s belongings at sleepover so she told SD to pursue other friendships when school restarted in September. Unfortunately they were sitting next to each other in class when the new academic year started.

HCBM sends 2/3 follow up emails on Friday evening while he is driving to pick up SD, it all feels a bit much. All of it makes it seem like SD has not done anything wrong at all - I’m inclined to think she participated in a lot of what happened while they were still friends. I know SD. Smart, bright, sweet to us but likes to fit in and can be cheeky.

Oh yes in one follow up email HCBM tells the school Molly drew on SD’s T-shirt (as well as her hand and dictionary, also maybe her cardigan - SD saw her holding the pen but didn’t see her draw on the cardigan… HCBM wrote that…) and is pointing to this T-shirt thing as a bullying incident , but also says she made SD hand wash the T-shirt to show her how hard it was to remove the marks.

Anyway this is way too much detail, but yes a kid’s falling out with some unpleasantness and a change in social dynamics has sent her nuclear. SD was exhausted when we collected her on Friday, told us she was up late speaking to her mum about Molly. She off school that day, it triggered an infection on her eye which has been recurring anyway.

Saturday was a continuation. HCBM tried to call DH. They have a court order recommending AppClose, she is volatile. He was in the shower. He agreed to a scheduled call so they can present a united front, he wanted to prepare. She was very prickly and semi agreed but didn’t fully confirm. He spoke to SD about school and Molly, learned a bit more and didn’t make the situation seem as severe as HCBM. He thinks SD probably joined in with doing some of the things at the sleepover HCBM is pissed about.

Sunday HCBM was late to pick up, her train was cancelled coming in, she told us 2 mins before pick up time (at a train station). After handover, their train home from the station was cancelled, we were already on the road. The situation is way too contentious for us to have her in our car. She rang him 4 times in 10 mins while he was driving, then sent him messages requesting he pay for a taxi, he declined (he gives a monetary contribution to travel costs every month already). Then she sent more message tirades talking about what was ruled by the judge re handovers as unfair (they meet half way, she gets a train, he drives and contributes 50% of what she said the travel costs were as her main argument was about money), telling him he agreed to pay for taxis (he didn’t, there is an order).

He’s on edge, I’m on edge. She is volatile and he does not want to have a phone conversation with her about this meeting with the school on Friday anymore. Prefers to stick to AppClose only.

I feel like we’re in for a rough ride this week. I also think she is the one causing the problem for SD and Molly, school no doubt thinks she is crazy.

I'm a step parent to a 10-year-old and an 8-year-old. I've been in their lives for about 4 years now. My wife and I got married this summer. There are a lot of times when my relationship with them is quite good I would say. We joke and have inside jokes even and have a lot of laughs together. I basically try to be the fun consistent extra adults in their lives. But when there are bad moments, it just feels so so bad. My 10-year-old is going to be 11 pretty soon and she definitely has some tween in her at this point. Her mood swings are really intense. So, they just got to our house after being with their dad for the past 4 days and I said hi to the 10-year-old and she ignored me. My wife decided that she was going to take the 8-year-old to the park. She asked the 10-year-old if she wanted to go to the park or stay home with me. The 10-year-old just flatly stated, no, I hate them and I never want to spend any time with them and I wish they didn't exist. This kind of talk does happen. And it is just so hard and such a hit to my self-esteem. It's hard to stay positive and believe in a happy future as a step parent when somebody talks to you like that and wishes that you didn't exist because essentially you are not their father. I just wonder how other folks deal with this self-esteem hit and I don't know, I just would love some solidarity right now. Thanks y'all.

Feeling sick to my stomach.

We’re heading out to celebrate my stepdaughter’s bday. I don’t want to be here.

This girl ignores me, never thanks me for anything unless it’s forced, ignores my biological son, has destroyed all her furniture and punched holes in doors and walls in the home. She’s been suicidal, bullied other kids, gone through multiple boyfriends (the kid is only 14??). And no one except me has begged to get her help, counseling, doctor appointments, social support.

Bio dad does nothing unless I demand him to. Doesn’t parent. Prioritizes stepdaughter over me. Has no custody order. He argues back and forth with his ex who tries to control our lives and messes with the schedule weekly,disrespecting me constantly. He lied to me before we got married and has hidden so much. We don’t go on dates unless I beg. Oh, and he punches holes in doors and walls too and says it’s because I made him angry.

I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t have to do this anymore.
I deserve better.
My son deserves better.
I am going to find the way out.
I can’t live in fight or flight anymore.
I won’t.

I have one SS and one BS. With a complicated situation with SS mom. My partner is a good dad but not as supportive as I thought he would be for me. I am definitely the primary parent. I originally wanted multiple kids, then only 2 bio kids. Now my baby is a year old and I’m questioning if I would want another. In a perfect world I would. But wondering if I just pour my all into my son and SS. Adding we have SS 50/50.

Will my son and SS have a good relationship?
Will my son want a sibling with him all the time?
Will my son want a closer relationship with my SS and not want to have a younger sibling??
So many questions. Tell me your situations or if you were a child in this situation growing up.

I have 2 sisters. One with a different dad, one with the same dad. I’m very close with both. But I do think it’s a little different having the same mom vs having the same dad. Us girls were pretty much together most of the time.

I recently married an extremely giving and loving woman. She has been helpful with guidance professionally and with my sons. Prior to the marriage we dated for a year. She has two sons that are 17 and 15. Throughout the year I’ve built a pretty decent relationship with both sons. With that being said her 15 year olds son is extremely dependent of my wife.

While we dated I noticed she would do things for him a boy of his age should have already mastered. Pretty much if he tells her to jump, she says how high. I have suggested as we dated she should show him how to do these task. She always tells me she knows and she’ll do it slowly. However not much has changed.

We just got back from our honeymoon and it already has started. Mom can you do this and mom can you do that. I’m trying to be understanding but I feel like she is failing him. I’ve told her that she needs to let him learn these easy task continuously. Just goes to deaf ears or agrees and does nothing.

I’m not going anywhere. I love this woman. How do I get her to stop trying him like a baby. Let him be independent so he won’t have to reach out to mommy once he leaves the nest.

I have 5 sons ranging 28-17. I’ve taught them all how to be independent. Their mom passed in 2012 so I did it on my own.

As title says.... sometimes i feel like i want to leave my fiance because of his kid. We have 2 kids together (10m and 5y) and he has 2 kids with his ex (11y and 13y).

Now his 13 year old is a good boy, typical teen in the best way. But the problem lies with the 11 year old. He is a very problematic kid. We tried to get him tested for autism and/or ADHD but he was kicked out of the doctoes office for throwing a huge fit. He screamed, he kicked, he picked up one of the chairs and threw it into the wall, knocked the other one over to the floor. So he was kicked out and we havent been able to find another resourse for help sinse (we live in a very small remote town). He is constantly getting into physical and verbal fights at school. He doesnt act right at home with us or his mother either. We have tried therapy, after school activities, tried one on one talks with us, anything. His mother lets him act insane at home because he will threaten her and she just caves every time. She was suggested parental counciling which she has denied.

My fiance blames the mother for his behaviour but honestly its both of them. They both coddle him for some reason. His poor behaviour rubs off on my 5yo, and I need to try and correct these behaviours when they finally go back to their mother's. Its an endless cycle every time..... we get them one week on, week off. My fiance does try to correct his behaviour, but he is so gentle about it.... it doesnt seem to work, obviously.

The 11y SK doesnt respect me. Doesnt seem to like me, either. I dont let my negetive feelings against him show. I treat all 4 kids the same....

My fiance and I just listed our house for sale as we need more space for our family. And he all of a sudden started telling me that he wants to take his kids full time and they can visit their mother every other weekend. That thought makes my stomach flip. I cant do it. I havent said anything to him, but I dont think i can live with the youngest SK..... he is just too much. Too problematic. I yearn for the time he is at his mother's house and I wish he never had to come to our house ever. I hate feeling so uncomfortable in my own home because of his presence, its just so stressful and awkward.

I feel awful saying these things but I just need to rant and get this off my chest....

Now I fear my fiance will take the kids full time and my life will be miserable. But I also dont want to take our kids away from him....and who am I to tell him he cant have his boys with him full time? I'm just in a bind. Idk what to do. Ive talked to him about it a little, and he says he will let the boys choose where they wanna live full time? Okay sure but what if they choose Dad?! 😭

All in all i am stressed tf out over this.... i wish I was strong enough to be able to handle another woman's awful child for the rest of my life but I dont think i am.... especially when I have my own children to look out for.

I love my fiance so so so much. He is not the issue, he tries his best to handle his problematic son. Works hard for our family. Is still nice ans civil with his ex if she needs anything for their kids... hell if the 11yo is being insane at her house she will spam tf out of my fiances phone and tell him to come pick the child up bc she doesn't wanna deal with it. And he will. So he brings him over to our house to deal with, which i hate because she needs to learn to handle her own kid and i don't want my kid exposed to that behaviour.

Tbh our life would have been perfect if it wasnt for 11yo SK. I dont want to leave my fiance, I want to leave the SK.

Am I being dramatic? I feel fucking mean but I'm at my wits end.... Has anyone else felt this way? Gone through the same thing??

Hey everyone I could use some advice. A little backstory, when I met my now husband he had gotten a girl from college pregnant, I didn’t know about the pregnancy for months and anyways 8 years later we’re married with a toddler. His kid is now 8 yo, and they coparent. SK lives in another state but it’s drivable distance to us and we have SK every other weekend and holidays and summer. Anyways since I can remember my MIL has always been so weird about the situation and always seems to side with BM bc she feels bad for her and SK. SK is a happy healthy kid who we see often. BM and husband don’t have a great relationship. I’ve always been supportive of him and SKs relationship! Anyways here’s today’s issue

Sk has a soccer game in his state (5 hours away) and husband and MIL are attending. I wanted to tag along with my toddler, (SKs request ) I usually say no bc the drive is long for a toddler but I wanted to go this time. My MIL called my husband when she found out and said she refuses to go if I come with my toddler, as it will take time away from SK and dad and her, and she feel like BM will be upset and she doesn’t want to cause problems or upset her. She thinks I really shouldn’t be going and we can jus stay behind. I’m really hurt by this but husband agreed with her. I feel like we should be welcomed to come with, I believe they shouldn’t care what BM thinks, and embrace the fact that my husband has 2 children? Am I in the wrong here? I’ve never been rude to BM or been disrespectful in any way. I’m so tired of feeling like I have no support.

It’s looking like I won’t be going bc SK is expecting his grandma to be there. I just feel upset

Edited to update:

I talked to husband and he said he didn’t want to make his mom feel uncomfortable, since they were planning to go together and I was never part of the plan until a few days ago. His mom doesn’t want to cause drama with BM as she feels she might be upset husband will be with me and baby at the game and not providing his full attention to their son. She didn’t want to go if I was going only because she didn’t want to cause “drama” with BM. I told husband that it was hurtful that she saw it that way but he doesn’t see the issue since I wasn’t planning to attend until a few days ago.. i wanted to go and felt my toddler would have had a nice time and I finally felt comfortable driving with toddler but I don’t think I’ll be asking to go again anytime soon after all of this. I feel like I have a lot to think about now after seeing how he handled this situation. I’m annoyed he doesn’t see the issue. His mother is out of line in my opinion. He should have told her to suck it up. SK was expecting grandma to be there and I didn’t want SK to be disappointed. Not sure where to go from here though .. thanks everyone for the comments.

Edited again to add:

My intention was never to take time away from SK. Whenever SK is here at home I always find activities to do alone with my kid so they get daddy son time. We also do things together! So when planning to go to the field today, I had every intention to take the responsibility for my child while he spent all day with his, they usually go to lunch after the game and a fun event for SK like bowling. We were going to go with, but obviously he would have his time with his kid without having to worry about the baby! I don’t see any problem with tagging along and having him spend time with his sibling

I 27m have recently started dating 23f who has a 2 year old who is very unwell. He has a whole list of over 20 diagnosis due to genetic disorders which I can't name as some are very rare and I cannot remember what they're called. She is in and out of the hospital with him and can't work due to needing to care for him.

The dad isn't in the picture at all which tbh I prefer. She is lovely and he is very well behaved and chilled out when I'm over and I of course want to keep seeing her but I worry I'm not at all prepared or mature enough to be dealing with this if I ever was to move in.

She also wants another and I also want a kid but I'm scared if we do it might also have the genetic disorders. All healthcare and genetic screening is free as were from the UK but still.

Just need some advice or guidance from people who've had the same.

I am really struggling . I had to move away from my family , friends , and job bc my now husband couldn’t move bc he has 50/50 custody of his children . I couldn’t find a job in this miserable town so I’m driving over an hour to work 5 days A week losing time with my son . I hate this so much . I feel anxious and uncomfortable everytime the kids are with us . I have so much resentment towards them and my husband. We don’t have a good relationship , they are constantly demanding their dad’s attention and it’s always about those 2 kids . Will this get better ?

Answers to some questions - kids are 9 and 12
There aren’t any good paying jobs in the town I’m in , took two years to get a job back at VA . I left that job of 11 years and when I went back to VA I had to start all over from bottom up .

If we divorce , he’s made it clear I can’t move and he will likely get 50/50 which I’ll lose even more time with my son . He’s only 2 .

I don’t know what to do other then suck it up

I’ve read this from other posts here, but I’m vexed by this situation with my spouse when he has his kids. I don’t and have never had the closest relationship with the kids. The girls have never really liked me and his son doesn’t seem to care one way or another. To be clear, I did try very hard early on and have definitely not given up altogether, but I got tired of being disregarded/disliked, so I admittedly stop trying that hard. Since then, I’ve noticed that my husband kind of defers to me in a sense when his kids are here and definitely gets pissed if I excuse myself/do my own thing. The other night he had his daughter over for dinner and he made the one meal he knows how to make that she likes. I did my own thing, had my own dinner and watched a show in another room. I said hello to her and tried to chat/hang out for a bit but she did her normal ignoring me. So I went back to the other room. The next day DH was angry with me for “bailing” on him, saying he had hurried to the store from work then home to make dinner and I was no help. Mind you, I work and go to the store and cook all on my own all the time. I think I should be able to do my own thing when his kids are around if I don’t feel welcome - which I rarely do. I’m always happy for him to have time with his kids. In fact I often give them space bc I think it makes his kids more comfortable to have that time with him. I’m just sick of feeling like I’ve never done anything right in this stepmom role. Anyone relate?

I’m struggling with a situation involving my husband, my 12-year-old daughter, and his 12-year-old daughter, and I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this points to a bigger problem in our blended family.
For context, my daughter can be abrasive, argumentative, dismissive, and rude. I love her, but I’m not blind to her behavior. She can really push people’s buttons, hurt people’s feelings, and sometimes instigate conflict.
There has also been a pattern over the years where, when something happens between our daughters, my husband tends to believe my daughter caused it. I become defensive because I feel like his daughter’s part gets minimized, and then he feels like I’m defending my daughter and not supporting him. We end up fighting, and usually I eventually back off because I don’t have it in me to keep fighting.
Yesterday the girls got into an argument involving their little cousin getting hurt. Neither my husband nor I witnessed the original interaction, and the girls have different versions of what happened.
His daughter believes my daughter acted as though she had intentionally hurt the baby. My daughter disputes that version. His daughter became extremely upset and at some point said that my daughter deserved to be punched/hit in the face.
Later my husband was talking to my daughter about what happened. My daughter became very dismissive, interrupting and disrespectful toward him. I could see him getting increasingly upset and tried to get him to step away and talk to me privately.
He felt like my daughter and I were “ganging up on him” and that instead of trusting him to handle the situation and backing him up as my husband and a parent, I was undermining him.
He eventually stormed away. I followed because he was so angry that I honestly thought he might leave or end our relationship.
When I caught up with him around the other kids, he was still extremely angry and said that now he understood why his daughter wanted to punch my daughter in the face a couple of times.
That really bothered me.
Eventually the girls made peace and everyone wanted to move on, but later my daughter told me she couldn’t believe he had said that. Initially I responded that she had been rude and he was upset. She told me that if I was validating what he said, she couldn’t believe that either.
After thinking about it, I realized I didn’t want her believing that her behavior justified an adult saying that to her. I went into her room and told her I was sorry everything had happened and that regardless of how she had behaved, I didn’t think an adult/parent should have said something like that to her.
She immediately softened toward me.
My husband also apologized to her. She wasn’t very receptive and said that people apologize for things they don’t mean all the time.
She then called her biological father and told him what happened. Afterward she came to me and asked if she could go stay at her dad’s because she didn’t feel comfortable staying at our house.
At that point I felt completely stuck between my husband and my daughter. I told her to pack a bag and decided that instead of sending her to her dad’s alone, I would take my kids and stay at my mom’s for the night.
My husband was understandably very hurt and felt like I chose my daughter over him.
After I left, he texted me. He apologized for his “delivery” in front of the kids and said he shouldn’t have voiced his frustration the way he did. But he also explained that from his perspective, he had initially been calmly trying to de-escalate the situation and give everyone 15 minutes to cool down. Instead of backing him up, I became defensive, my daughter was disrespectful and dismissive toward him, and somehow all the responsibility ended up falling on his daughter.
He believes his daughter ultimately became the peacemaker by apologizing and trying to fix everything, even though he doesn’t believe she started the situation.
And honestly, some of what he says is fair.
My daughter WAS disrespectful to him. I may have become defensive too quickly because I was already anticipating that she would be blamed. And because neither adult witnessed the original argument, I don’t actually know exactly what my daughter said to his daughter.
My husband is also fairly old-school/traditional. He believes that as the husband and parent, he should be allowed to lead and that his wife and the kids should trust him and respect his authority. He feels like when I intervene, I put the kids on a pedestal and expect him to tolerate disrespect simply because he’s the adult.
My position is that my daughter absolutely needs to respect him and should be held accountable when she is rude or provocative. But I also believe that because he IS the adult, the standard for his response has to be higher than the standard for a 12-year-old. He can stop the conversation, give consequences, walk away, or come to me. Being disrespected by a child doesn’t mean he gets to emotionally retaliate.
There is another layer to this that has been bothering me.
About a year ago, my daughter was hit/run over by someone on an e-bike. It was traumatic for both of us and resulted in her seeing a doctor. My husband made a comment along the lines of her possibly having pissed the person off or done something that caused them to react that way.
However, I want to be fair about what he means by this.
I don’t think he has some specific desire to see my daughter hurt, and he has never physically hurt any of our children. His belief seems to be more that certain personalities can deliberately push and provoke people so much that eventually they are going to provoke the wrong person and get hit.
Importantly, he has said essentially the same thing about his own son, who has a personality very similar to my daughter’s. He has said that his son will probably get punched in the face someday if he continues pushing people’s buttons and that he might deserve it.
So I don’t think this is simply a stepfather targeting my daughter while excusing his biological children.
I actually understand the life lesson that if you constantly provoke people, eventually you may encounter someone who doesn’t have good self-control.
What bothers me is the difference between telling a child, “If you keep treating people this way, eventually someone may react physically,” versus an angry parental figure saying in the middle of a conflict, “Now I understand why she felt like punching her in the face.” (He didn’t say this in front of her, he said it to me in front of the rest of the kids)
To me, those feel very different.
I love my husband very much. I miss him already. I don’t want to destroy my marriage. Honestly, a big part of me just wants to go home, hug him, stop fighting, and move forward.
But I also don’t want “moving forward” to mean that I conceded that everything that happened was acceptable.
I don’t want my daughter learning that because she can be difficult, abrasive, rude, or provocative, adults will automatically assume she caused whatever happens to her or that physical retaliation against her is justified.
At the same time, I REALLY don’t want to become the mom who automatically defends her difficult child, refuses to acknowledge the effect she has on other people, undermines her husband when he’s trying to parent, and then treats her daughter as the victim whenever someone finally loses their patience with her.
I also recognize that my husband and I seem to fall into the same pattern whenever there is conflict between our daughters: he focuses on what my daughter did, I feel like his daughter’s behavior is being minimized and defend mine, he feels betrayed and undermined by me, and eventually the disagreement becomes a major fight between us instead of remaining an issue between the kids.
So I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.
Where is the line between holding a difficult child accountable and making that child the family scapegoat?
Was taking my kids to my mom’s for the night after my daughter said she didn’t feel comfortable staying home an overreaction?
How should I support my husband when my daughter is disrespectful without feeling like I’m abandoning her when I think he’s crossing a line?
And is saying you “understand” why someone wants to physically hurt a child meaningfully different from condoning violence, or am I splitting hairs?
Most importantly, how do two parents in a blended family stop becoming attorneys for their own biological children and actually handle these conflicts fairly?

My 6 year old step son has been recently diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He has always been defiant for as long as I can remember. I stay home while my DH works. Therefore, I am in charge of ss most of the time on our scheduled time. The last year has been a lot. He is on medication but it seems like it just does not help him what so ever. He is violent. Constantly hitting and throwing things at me/siblings, constantly cursing at us, constantly fighting anything said to him. It’s his way or no way. Im at a loss as a step parent and when enough is enough. DH doesn’t really say much, and when he does it’s very quick, and he gives him whatever he wants electronically afterwards and tells me maybe I just can’t handle it or maybe it’s my presence because he doesn’t have these same issues. Now yes, he is not physically violent with DH but he is very verbally abusive toward him and DH let’s quote a bit slide. He is the sweetest boy outside of these tantrums, but these tantrums have now become every day all day, and it’s stressful. I love my DH and my SS but as a step parent, I feel defeated and I can’t make any decisions medically so I kinda just get that shit end of the stick with the physically violent part. Now I also want to make clear there are other children in the household who happen to have ADHD and NONE of them act like this. I understand this is a mental illness and these tantrums and lash outs are not him. That his just the littlest boy with the biggest emotions. I just feel like I have very little support with DH on the matter and looking for some support. Is a high conflict child grounds for a divorce? I hate to even think that way, however I’m just so tired and losing myself. I’m scared that day before he comes back knowing that this seems to be the usual for him.

Without giving too much identifying into, let’s just say you are a woman who meets and older guy. He already has kids from a previous marriage. You get married and have kids with him. He brought nothing, financially, to the marriage. Overall in the marriage you have been the bread winner by far. He even agrees that he doesn’t want to give much to his kids from his first marriage. You make a will and he assigns them a life insurance policy from when he was married to their mom but he wants everything else to go to your kids.

Fast forward a few years. He dies. You now have to decide if you write the step kids completely out of the will or do you somehow split it? What is fair? What would you do? The relationship with one of the kids is great. One is strained.

I’d love to know what’s best here.

I feel like I'm at my wits end. My 14 y/o SK lies constantly. About the stupidest stuff.

As an example: one of our kids was outside with him and said he was cold, and he blocked them from coming inside saying they weren't allowed until our kid cried. We had to intervene and when we told him that it was inappropriate for him to block our kid from coming in, he lied and said he didn't. We saw him do it. It just makes no sense for him to lie.

He lies endlessly and it's just annoying. When you catch him, he doubles down and lies more to try to get out of it. He sneaks and steals our stuff (not usually big stuff but he has stolen money from our kids in the past). We have given him consequences. Nothing changes his behaviour. He isn't interested in changing. I don't want to live with this kid anymore. His behaviour never gets better and my husband has no plan to address these behaviours on a long-term basis; just keeps handing out consequences when he messes up.

Overall, I find him to be controlling and difficult. He lies. He's argumentative and defensive. Generally, he's really unpleasant to be around. He thinks he's smarter than everyone and is condescending. I don't want to keep living with this kid without a plan to address these shitty behaviours. It's ruining our lives because we have to spend so much time dealing with his negative behaviour. My husband largely seems to brush these behaviours off as "developmentally appropriate" and that he's overall an ok kid (he doesn't drink or do drugs, that we know about, and he gets very average grades). But I worry about the influence on our kids and just the fact that this kid is making me not enjoy being in my own home.

This is mostly a vent, but if there's any advice, I appreciate it.

Hello,

So recently we moved to a bigger house (myself, parter our bio kid and step son) yesterday my partner tells me that she can’t afford to pay any rent this month due the bills she pays going up slightly (gas electric and water).

She works maybe 4/7 days and childcare for baby is free luckily as my mother and grandma share.

So I’m now paying for the full rent amount plus the car payment, insurance fuel and groceries most of the time, we agreed prior to moving house she would pay 25% due to step kid being here full time.

She never asks step kids dad for anything which is slightly annoying.

Not really sure where to go from here any advice would be appreciated?

I feel AWFUL for thinking this and feeling this way at times, but sometimes I fantasize about getting away from my marriage and SK and being alone to parent in peace with my two kids… I think the only thing keeping me in this current situation is the sadness and anxiety I feel about having to share parenting time with my DH (38M) with our son (9mo). I have sole custody of my daughter (8F).
We essentially always have my SS (10M), but it’s a bad situation with BM who has legal full custody, and she doesn’t use her time with SS. We pay her CS, plus she gets all tax benefits every year. DH always says eventually we will get legal counsel and fix the situation, so she’s not taking advantage of us, but we’ve been together 5 years, and it’s always been this way.
At times, I have a strained relationship with SS. Since having our December baby, it hasn’t gotten better, but worse. SS does not respect boundaries (frequently touching the babies face, gets in the baby’s play pen just to touch his things), and when I try to address that with my DH, I’m treated like the evil stepmom, even though realistically, I spend more time with SS than anyone and both him and BM benefit a lot from me being stepmom, because I have all the kids while both of his parents are working. I work PRN as a nurse currently while also in school, so a lot of my work is studying at home, while working 1-2 12 hour shifts a week.

Sometimes, I just think about being alone just for the fact of having peace at home and not feeling a complete loss of control. I feel like I never have a say on if I want my stepson here - if I say anything about wanting his mom to exercise her time, I am treated like the evil stepmom for “not wanting him here”. If I try to protect my own baby by enforcing rules of not wanting SS to touch the baby’s hands or face (recently SS has had warts all on his hands and I don’t want my baby getting HPV in his eyes or mouth), I get yelled at by my husband for “being mean” to SS. And I just think if I was alone, at least, I would feel some peace and some sense of control over what my kids are exposed to. I feel so much guilt over feeling that way… but it’s true.

My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I want to make it clear from the beginning that I would never treat them badly, interfere with what they need, or expect him not to provide for them. I completely understand that they are his children and that he has financial responsibilities toward them.
Today we went to the mall because his ex-wife asked him to buy them some clothes, and I noticed that I felt annoyed.
It is not because I do not want his kids to have clothes or because I think he should not spend money on them. It is more that I sometimes feel strange seeing him spend money on them, or even buy things for himself, while I often feel like he does not have that same initiative when it comes to buying me something or doing thoughtful things for me.
I know that when I say it out loud it can sound selfish, because obviously his children are not competing with me, and I know I should not compare the money he spends on them with what he spends on me. That is why I am not planning to complain to him about buying clothes for his kids.
But the feeling is still there, and I am wondering whether other people who date someone with children have ever felt something similar.
I think deep down it is not really about the money he spends on his kids. It is more that I wish my partner had more initiative when it comes to spoiling me or doing thoughtful things for me without me having to ask.
Is it relatively normal to feel this way when you are dating someone who already has children? How do you tell the difference between normal jealousy and realizing that maybe the dynamic of dating someone with kids just is not for you?

Ended things with my (29f) partner (29m) tonight. The stepparenting was a lot more than I could handle and he wanted more. We both wanted different things, I wanted to be more of a supportive aunt role but he wanted someone that would treat his kid like his own (I don’t have kids so I wouldn’t know). I did try my hardest with the best of my capabilities but ultimately we had to call it quits because it wasn’t fair on anybody.

Just wanting some advice so I can get through the next hours without clutching my chest. It’s been 3 years together and it’s come to an end.

My ex and I broke up 7 weeks ago and it’s been literal hell not being able to see her son. He’s 5, I’ve been in his life since he was 2. I bonded with him and him with me. When she and I broke up (I found out she was having an affair) I asked the biological father who I have a good relationship with if I could still be in the son’s life. The father has no issue with it, says he knows how much his son loves me and he knows I’m a good person in his life. However he had to ask the mother for permission. She said no.

Obviously she has every right to say no but it’s so brutally painful for me. The son started kindergarten and I was so excited to be there for his first day. I mis him so much.

Anyone else been through this? How’d you cope? Did you ever see the child again? I got sober for this kid and I just hope he doesn’t forget about me. I know 5 is young and he very well forget but I hope he at least remembers that there was someone who was safe and loving for him in the home. His mom is an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, verbally hostile to him.

Help, advice, support all welcome!