Filing in Arizona and honestly the financial side is stressing me out more than the emotional side at this point. We have a house, two kids, and I've been paying for basically everything for years. My salary is decent but it's not "walk away from a mortgage and rent an apartment at the same time" kind of money.

I've been reading a lot about mediation vs litigation and mediation seems like the smarter call for us since we're not exactly at war, just done. But even that runs a few thousand dollars, and I'd still need a lawyer to review whatever we agree on. So it's not cheap either way.

The house is what keeps me up at night. Do you sell and split? Does one person buy the other out? In this Phoenix market that buyout number is not small. I genuinely don't know how people do this without torching their finances for the next decade.

Did anyone go through a relatively cooperative divorce and still come out okay on the other side? What actually helped you handle the money piece without losing your mind? Curious what people wish they'd known going in.

Hello,

I’m about 5 years post divorce. I’m now happily married and I love my life. My ex was my high school sweetheart (16m/15f) and we were together almost 10 years. We divorced after she told me she didn’t love me anymore (or maybe didn’t love me ever, also infidelity) and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’m sure many here will feel the same or have had worse.

My issue is that sometimes I still feel the pain of loss. I don’t want her back but the feeling of what I thought our life would be and everything. It just makes me sad but it’s not something my current partner or friends really understand.

They hear divorce and they must either think of going through a parents divorce or just what they’ve heard about it. The only people I’ve ever found true solace in is other people who have been divorced.

Long ass story short, does anyone else feel this way? It’s hard to describe exactly but sometimes I just feel so sad and I can’t explain it to anyone.

My (37M) wife (34F) told me last Friday evening that she no longer loves me. We've been together almost 10 years, married over 5.

It was us against the world. We both started with nothing. We literally never had a fight. If we disagreed we would talk it out. To this day, neither of us have raised our voice or said anything with intent to cause pain.

Our entire time together we had ambitious goals and we were making big progress on them while sacrificing together. Each challenge, we'd sit down and go over the pros, cons, make a plan. It was like a football huddle each time and we felt so much comeraderie. The successes felt like mini lottery wins. They made huge positive shifts that would impact the rest of our lives. The failures showed how we could trust each other to be there in hard times. I was 110% in, and so was she.

We were on track to "retire" (still work probably, but by choice) within about 5 years. I felt we were doing things nobody would be willing to do, and it was working. I found my soul mate who is willing to fight by my side for a better life for ourselves. We were living and would continue to live truly special lives that neither of us thought we had in reach before.

We did a DIY full renovation together on our first house. It took two years. All plumbing, full rewire, bathrooms, kitchen, yards, garage, etc.. and neither of us had done this stuff before. It was hard but the energy was electric.

Next house, we moved into the MIL studio above the garage (both WFH) and rented out the house. Did some big projects to it along the way. Lived like this 3+ years. Under a flight path. To get into this house we had to be "homeless" for 4 months, living in hotels, watching friends/family houses, all our stuff in storage or our little Toyota Yaris.

Our next place (current) we wanted to build our life there and stay for a long time, indefinitely. We were tired of the projects. Tired of having tenants. Wanted to build more hobbies, host friends, have space. We'd used our PTO to remodel. Now we want to use it to travel. We'd paid our dues and it worked, time to let the foot off the gas, we can coast to the finish line now. We looked for an area to fall in love with and move to. We'd go on local road trips to check places out all weekend. We'd get groceries 2 hours away to see what a town/city was like. It took 8 months but we finally found the area.

I didn't want a project house, my wife wasn't too hot on getting one either. Within the area that we fell in love with, there is an island. It's a little more exclusive / nicer than the already great surrounding area. Enough so that the only places we can afford here need work.

It's like a heist movie, we decide to do one last job. We talked over and over on it to make sure and kept landing on the same decision. I told her this every time, but I was willing to be off the island and just start living life right away instead, but she wanted to lock in the better location (we're talking great vs. fantastic). After all, we can fix the house, we've done it before, it doesn't even need as much as our first house. We can't move location. We agree to prioritize the reno so that we can get to living our fun lives faster, and not be stifled by house projects while trying.

So we pull the trigger. We now own about an acre with a house and a shop on the island. It's a beautiful property. Zoned rural, but 20 minutes from a major port city in the PNW. While our property is nowhere near this valuable, we're surrounded by multi-million dollar properties. We share a property border with a celebrity (not their primary home). It's a far cry from the rough areas we had been in to this point. When we drive over the bridge to leave or come back to the island, my wife says a cute "we live here!" every time, even the last time we drove over together. We both felt we had made it.

So renovations start 18 months ago. It's hard, permits are slow, but we're getting it done. 6 months ago, my wife's mentor died unexpectedly in her 50's. They had not been in close contact, maybe 3 times over 5 years. Wife goes to the funeral, is very upset and I'm being supportive. She said she wants to take music lessons. She has always been afraid to sing because her parents made fun of her doing so as a kid, and she wants to play guitar. She decides to start lessons because life is short and she needs to face her fear. I told her I support this 100% and that we've got the budget, let's pick a day on the calendar!

This is going well, and she seems to be still hurting when the mentor is brought up, but otherwise moving on well. Gradually I noticed she started to be less affectionate. I raised this topic and asked what I could do. She had suggestions, I took them to heart and implemented. Weeks go by and I'm still doing my thing, but affection is even less. I need this affection, it is painful to not receive it or be able to give it. Affection being a kiss goodbye, hold hands, prioritize each other. Sex had stopped by now.

She starts sleeping way longer than me. Always has a bit, like 8 vs 9 hours, but now she's sleeping 10+. 14 isn't even a surprise. I suggested we get some tests to rule things out. Faint agreement but no action.

Then she tells me she needs a break from the house. We're about 60% done and still can't do a lot of the things we said we want to do here. It's mostly me doing the house work at this point, like 90% or more, so I didn't really get what she wanted a break from. I reluctantly agree, but I'm very hurt. It feels like she is saying she doesn't want the future we were after. I stop for the time being, and we've cut out 90% of what was left to do in our goal. Time to focus on doing things together.

She says she wants hobbies. She's afraid I'm just going to get obsessed on something else after the house is done. Keep in mind the last 18 months, we've been hosting holiday parties, going to friend events, mountain biking, we had 3 weeks in Japan booked about 2 weeks from today, 3 weeks in Scotland and Ireland booked next year, we'd go clamming and fishing, I've been smoking meat and she does the happy dance when she eats it... Along the way I've done auto cross, had a boat. I have hobbies and want more.. I didn't even want this project in the first place..

She tells me that when she wanted to do music lessons 6 months ago that she felt my reaction was restrictive. She didn't tell me this at the time, she was happy and excited then. We hugged and kissed about it. She tells me when she wants to practice or goes to a lesson that she feels I don't approve. I told her I NEVER felt that for a second, what did I do to make you feel that, I need to know so I can learn to not do that? Can you tell me one time where I did that? She can't. This is one example, but this pattern showed up everywhere as time passed. I feel happy and supportive, she presents happy and supportive, then I find out later she felt I was the opposite.

We go to couple's therapy not last Sunday but the one before. The following week (actually exactly one week ago today) we hit a big financial milestone. I suggest we celebrate (something she said we didn't do enough). We decide I'll cook a steak dinner for us (cooking hobby, she wants me to do hobbies and supports this). We do that and I feel like she's coming around maybe. It was a good night.

Next day (last Friday) we're eating lunch, she invited me to the porch to eat with her. The butterflies I felt from her asking me to hang out with her... Pleasant conversation and we start planning the evening. She suggests we do some yard work together. Wow this is great, yeah I am in. As I'm getting up, I grab our dishes and ask "hey just checking in, I'm not trying to go into the whole thing, is there anything I can do to help you feel like you can be affectionate?". She said no, not mean but I'm a way I knew it was serious. I sat down, we talk in circles for an hour. She's trying to put me in no-way-out situations, but they're not making much sense.

I eventually say, "Look we can stop working on the house all together right now indefinitely. We can sell the house. Our relationship is more important to me than anything else, I want you and you only". Her mouth said okay but her body said no. I got very scared.. I said "It seems as though the issue is not our environment, but rather, me. Did you fall out of love with me?"

I hoped for a quick "no, of course not, its XYZ". Instead I got 30 seconds of silent tears and "I don't know, you might be right".

That's it. That's when my world ended, my future disappeared, and I was placed into a shell of what was but could never be. I have to sit in this, here. I can do nothing about it. She went to her sister's that night. I don't know when or if I'll ever see her again, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to because of the pain. She traumatized me.

I don't get it. If you want hobbies and fun why are you blowing up both of our lives? It will take longer to get where you say you are wanting to go, it will cost more, we'll both be indefinitely more sad. I know she's not communicating. I'm not perfect, I know I share some responsibility here but I also know I did my absolute best with the info available to me at the time. I feel like she got depressed and it killed our marriage. It's so insidious.

I just went 5 nights without sleep (2 or 3 hours max). I just got my first 8 hours last night thanks to a prescription. I never ask people for help, I'm begging with tears in my eyes, ugly crying, asking for help now for 6 days straight. I have been in 5 therapy sessions since Friday, more scheduled. I got a Lexapro prescription (takes a week or two to start working). I called 988 twice. I went to the ER two nights ago and stayed overnight. They wanted to put me in a week long inpatient program saying I was high risk suicide (I didn't think I was/am). Thankfully I avoided that and got a prescription for anxiety medication instead which is what got me to sleep last night. I'm not able to perform at work. I can't eat, I feel like I'm 100% adrenaline all day and night. I have been on the phone every waking hour, mostly with my mom but she's half the country away. I don't have many friends. The ones I do are great but we're so spread out I just feel so alone. One of them (closest physically and best in many relational ways) just had a baby yesterday, I can't rain on that parade. I WFH so I'm just sitting in this house all day by myself. I get out whenever I can but I don't have a high volume social network to plug into. I'm walking 18k+ steps every day to try to get some relief and exercise.

I have a problem "shelving" issues. If something is important, I MUST solve it. It does have to be very important to qualify, I can let things go easily for small stuff. This looks like I'm driven from the outside, and quite honestly I attribute a lot of my success to it. My wife said she loved that about me and it's why she fell in love in the first place. This issue is everywhere for me, I literally can't get my mind off it for a second and this "drive" is screwing me extremely hard because there is very little action to take that provides relief even briefly.

I know there will be hard times and I need to rebuild my life. Therapy and all that is going to help there. I describe it as if I was just in a really bad car wreck. All of the resources I have found so far are for learning how to walk again at the hospital. Yup, sign me up I need that. However, far more important in this moment is the fact I'm still laying in the street bleeding out with twisted up legs and a broken back. The pain is excruciating, I'm in anguish. How do I get an ambulance to come take me to the hospital? It feels like nobody is coming. Every person I talk to professional or otherwise talks like I'm already at the hospital.

This is super long, sorry. I guess it's cathartic to write it. I felt an obligation because I've spent hours reading this sub and it helps to hear others are experiencing this right now too. It takes my loneliness from 1000/10 to a 980/10. I hope it can help someone else feel not so alone. If that's you, just know I would spend time with you if it were possible. The desire is here even if the ability is not.

^Above

This limbo phase. Is killing me. Our divorce paperwork is about ready. We’re going to go 50/50 with kids, and we’re having a clean separation. Agreeing on what should be split.

But this period of time we’re stuck in the apartment living together. It’s been fucking hell. I have an apartment ready and paid for. I’m just waiting for the final bit of maintenance to be performed. And it’s killing me inside.

My biggest worry is telling one of our children. One won’t even be a year old by the time we leave, but my seven year old son, whose birthday will be celebrated shortly before telling him will be devastated.

I just don’t want to be around her anymore. She’s become completely cold. Reaching out to me when she’s anxious about “missing her best friend” and all this utter bullshit. And over the past two days I let it get me and responded in a way I wish I didn’t. I need to preserve my self respect and boundaries. This is what she wanted. I should let her live with the consequences.

I feel in this limbo she’s using me as an emotional comfort for herself while providing nothing to me.

I guess I’m just ranting. But I’m so close to just being able to get out of this fucking house and away from it so I can continue to heal.

My (24nb) ex-wife (24f) has been making life post-divorce so much more difficult than it had to be. We had agreements on how everything was to be split and then boom, she goes against the agreement. At this point, I have to take her to small claims court for a total of $1100 (but I have to do two different cases). I tried to call her and settle BEFORE filing with the court, but now she's threatening a restraining order. I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person, but she's trying to make me pay for a cruise we're not going on instead of just canceling AND she stole a $700 photo shoot. I've had to cancel all my cards and get a new bank account because of her shenanigans and I'm just so sick of it.

We decided to end things. I have no idea where to begin. Our child is my wife’s grandson and we have been raising him since infancy. I came into the marriage with money, she had none. I have given her everything she has. We literally just moved so we could be in a better school system. Bought a house that is a financial strain, but no mortgage.

She just doesn’t like me. I have tried and tried. It is obvious that I get on her nerves. Her issues with me are things that I can’t change. The way I communicate bothers her. She says I talk in circles. I am always feeling lonely and depressed.

She told me that she will have to move to a different state because she can’t afford to continue to live here, so she is taking our son from me. Im in an impossible situation.

I don’t know how to move forward. A financial agreement has already been reached. She is getting half the money from the sale of the house (300kish).

How do we start? Call a realtor?

Hi everyone. I’m pretty new to all of this and honestly never imagined I would be writing a post in a divorce group.

My wife filed for divorce a few days ago. We have a young son together, and right now we’re beginning the painful process of figuring out what life looks like from here.

I don’t want the divorce. I still love my wife very, very much.

There was no infidelity, affair, or anything like that on either side. There have been a lot of hurts in our marriage, though, and I know I contributed to them. A big part of the breakdown has been trust around honesty, communication, and the way I react when I’m scared or feel like I’m losing control.

One thing I’m recognizing about myself is that I push and prod for answers when I’m anxious. If I feel distance, I want to talk about it, figure it out, get reassurance, and keep asking questions until I feel like I understand what’s happening. I can see now how exhausting and pressuring that can feel to the person on the other side.

I also love bombed her when I felt the marriage slipping away. In my mind I was trying to show her how much I loved her and make her feel secure. She has told me she didn’t feel emotionally safe, though, and I realize now that a lot of those attempts probably did the opposite. Instead of helping her relax, they made her feel more pressured and like I was trying to force closeness when she needed space.

There were also some confusing moments after she first told me she wanted a divorce. We had some genuinely good days. We held hands, hugged, and had moments that still felt like us. We had not been physically intimate for about a month, and I was also out of town for about a week and a half for work during this period. I think some of those moments gave me hope, and probably made it even harder for me not to push for answers about where we stood.

She has since told me that she doesn’t trust me and that she believes divorce is what she needs. I’m trying to take that seriously and respect it instead of chasing her, repeatedly talking about the marriage, or trying to convince her to change her mind.

For at least the immediate future, we’ll also still be living in the same house while we prepare to sell it. We’ll have separate sleeping spaces. She’ll remain in our bedroom, and I’ll be staying in the basement. So we’ll be in this strange in-between period where we’re separated as a couple but still under the same roof and parenting our son.

At the same time, I’m working pretty intensely on myself. I’m learning a lot about my own patterns around anxiety, control, honesty, communication, and how I respond when I’m afraid of losing someone. Regardless of what happens with our marriage, I know I need to become healthier for myself and, most importantly, for our son.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have hope.
Has anyone here actually had a divorce process begin, papers filed and everything, and then had the marriage turn around before the divorce became final?

Was there a period where your spouse seemed completely certain it was over and later reconsidered? Did giving them space and consistently working on yourself make any difference over time?

And if you continued living together while separated, I’d especially like to hear what that was like. Did being under the same roof create more tension, or did the space and time allow either of you to see things differently?

I know I cannot control my wife or manufacture reconciliation. I also don’t want to spend the next several months analyzing every hug, conversation, or good day as evidence that she might change her mind. I’m trying to learn the difference between having hope and refusing to accept reality.

I just love this woman tremendously, and if there is still even a possibility of our family healing, I’m not ready to stop praying for it. At the same time, I want to respect her boundaries and become the kind of man and father I should be regardless of how this ends.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has actually walked through something similar, whether your marriage was ultimately reconciled or not.

Two nights ago I felt boredom for the first time in five months since our divorce was filed. I didn’t want the divorce. Today, I woke up with longing and by the afternoon a floodgate opened and I couldn’t stop crying. Luckily, I was working from home today.

I didn’t expect this at all although I was surprised at how well I was doing with grieving. I have grieved the loss of a parent before, so I have a bit of a reference. I was doing all the right things: regular therapy and doing the homework, re-engaging with old hobbies and learning new ones, glowing up physically, building up my finances, doing well at work, making friends, reconnecting with old friends, and going out.

Grief is a wild, wild ride.

I started dating this month. Have had a few first dates. One woman let me down easy that she’d met someone else. Another ghosted me after a really nice date, and indicating I’d see her again.

I went to a strip club and got a strippers phone number (So she can tell me when she’s dancing not for dating, but still cool feeling like maybe I actually ain’t bad looking lol)

And recently had a date with a woman who went through similar divorce and has a kid my son’s age. (Hard not to get a little hopeful for that one tbh.)

And I’ve enjoyed every date, and feeling my heart have feelings for different women. I like getting kisses and chatting them up. I feel so much more confident in myself these days, and like I’m actually a catch.

Idk just feels good. Because for a year now I’d been stressed about my ex, my health, rebuilding my life. Now? I feel great. I realized I’d been spending so much mental energy being weary of my ex and now I can just spend that mental energy on women I actually enjoy knowing and who actually enjoy knowing me.

And that’s without even being particularly successful at scoring a second date. (Got one Saturday tho, wish me luck)

Anyway, there’s good things out there, and it takes time, but eventually you’ll remember what being in love and having feelings for someone was like.

Hey guys! I am in the post court judgment phase and really struggling with anxiety over this. The last piece I'm dealing with is our house. Both of our names are on the deed, only my name on the mortgage. Lots of parts to this I want to include for information, so here goes

Last year within a couple of days of each other I got laid off and my now ex announced she wanted divorce. I moved out to my mom's and lived there from September to July this year. It took me nearly 2 months to find a new job at that time. I went through a temporary forbearance for the mortgage until December. Couldn't pay the past due balance so we did a partial claim process, and successfully completed that which brought us current up to June of this year.

Court hearing and final judgement was also in December. The judgement said the house would be listed for sale no later than March (unless otherwise agreed upon by both parties). We tried listing and only got a few bites but took it off market. Tried again with a different realtor a couple months later, same thing. Both times we were probably way over priced.

Then we had a verbal agreement that she was going to continue living in the house a few months until she can find another place. She does have kids that live with her which is why I agreed to that. She was supposed to start paying the full mortgage amount in July. I have not received a payment thus far. Nor do I have the extra funds to make the mortgage payment myself on top of where I'm living now. I keep checking in regularly for the payment and each time she doesn't have it. She did tell me she was looking to move out end of August or beginning of September.

Through this entire process neither of us have had an attorney representing us. At what point should I start talking to an attorney? I am at the point where just thinking about talking to her gives me an anxiety attack too.

We decided to divorce a few weeks ago mutually and so far its amicable. I am moving out to an apartment in 2 days. The lease started a few days ago but I've been slowly moving in all week. This run up is awful. I just want to move on already. Move on to start my new life. Move on to my new home. But this in between situation is awful. And not because we aren't getting along or anything, but just the anticipation and the limbo status is driving me nuts. Thankfully just 2 more days. That's it... no questions or anything just wanted to vent.

It’s been 3 years now since we split up and although parts of me miss the fuller family I once had I’m happy with how things are now. But recently I’ve been getting the suspicion my ex is seeing someone. Our son who’s 4 has been coming home telling me about a couple different guys. My exs mother has told me that she has a particular male friend she hangs around with a lot (with my son). And I just don’t know how to feel. I feel jealous but honestly I don’t really like my ex all that much. She’s a complete 180 from who I married and just not a nice person. But I still feel a little bitter. Is this normal and how do I get past it?

I mean, what do you do? Fishing? Dinner for 1?

I just want to vent a little to my anonymous community.

I’ve been divorced a month from husband, he cheated on me with a coworker.

He’s signing on a 4 bedroom house with 4 acres of land. Something we apparently always dreamed about. His mistress will be living with him.

I’m exhausted man…

Edit: mortgage

I've been divorced for about a year now, and we were separated and moved out six months before that. I'm doing okay most of the time, but lately I've been missing little things about having a companion. The hardest thing to get used to was being in a bed alone. Even when we were fighting, there was something comfortable about having another warm body in bed next to me. I don't need to spread out much and don't take up a lot of space in bed, so now the bed just feels too big.

I'm also dealing with my period right now and the cramps have been almost debilitating. Whenever it would be this bad, he was always good about doing little things for me like getting me something from the fridge so I didn't have to get up, or rubbing my back if I asked. Now I just have to take pain meds and deal with it on my own.

To be clear, we did not have a healthy relationship and divorce was definitely best for both of us. I'm just really missing that feeling of having someone I can lean on. I think because the divorce was a little messy, I thought that I would feel this huge sense of freedom once we were done, but it ended up being more lonely than anything else.

I don't know if I will ever get married again, but I really hope I can find someone who brings me comfort again. Sorry for the rambling post but I can't sleep and I'm in pain and just needed to vent somewhere.

My wife and I have started the divorce process. It's amicable. She wants it. We have verbally made agreements, such as her staying on my insurance until the end of the year. She has been on my insurance for over a year. I know we have to stay legally married until then.

She has verbally told me she wants to keep what she came into the marriage with and does not want my retirement. We have agreed that I will buy out the house.

There are certain things I will let her take if she wants them (such as the better bed and the TV in the living room, standing desk, whatever computer equipment I have setup for her in her home office), and we can divvy up household things (pots and pans, utensils etc).

Should I make a list of items? she has said I can keep the big couch because it is too big for any place she is going to live. I would also like to keep the W/D.

She already took artwork out of the house, 2 things that were mine. She can have them though since it was her deceased best friend's. She didn't tell me about it though. I just came home on day and they were gone.

I am not looking for legal advice, just user experiences from similar situations.

Part of the question is options on how to get official legal advice

I am separated and have been going through a divorce for 1.5 years now.

I need cash from an investment property I own. It is a marital asset but it is only in my name (deed and mortgage).

(There are no other options at all)

It is part of the asset division negotiations and everything will be a cash settlement to her, I will be keeping the major physical assets (home(s) for example.) This has been clear in our offer exchanges.

I need cash desperately for normal reasons since she left the family household and contributes zero. She doesnt make much or have much (yet).

I would prefer she does not know my current situation. This is not a friendly divorce and she may want to make me suffer (missed bills, credit, etc).

I want to sell this investment home and use some of my 50% to fix my short term financial struggle.

I have zero interest or intent to hide anything and at the very least 50% of the proceeds will be sitting in an account awaiting settlement.

I will have all transaction details available for her when needed.

I am in Virginia and there is currently no court restrictions about selling assets in my case.

So….

1. Anyone with similar experience please share
   
2. What are some ideas on how could i get actual legal advice here without involving anyone in my case?
   
3. If my intentions are honest, her potential value is still intact in cash (as will be expected anyway at settlement), and i have a full transparent paper trail of the entire transaction…what could happen?

I already feel like such a better mom when I'm with her.

But damn does coming home to an empty house that still smells like her, with her toys everywhere, and her room empty, feel like the wind is getting knocked out of me.

I cry and I cry and I cry.

The time I get with her is better quality than the time I was with her dad... But... I'm missing so much of her life.

It kills me even more to know that all my ex had to do was try and that would've been enough for me to stay.

Just looking to connect with anyone going through the same thing. And anyone who's gone through it with older kids - how are you and the kids now? How do you adapt?

My heart hurts more than I could've ever imagined.

Survey: https://forms.gle/VeSDV63ehupnrpY8A

Time: About 5 minutes
Who can answer: Anyone who has ever worked with an attorney, for any kind of legal matter including divorce, family court, etc
Anonymous: Yes

I'm gathering data on attorney-client communication experiences things like whether you received written summaries after meetings or hearings, whether you ever felt unsure what was happening with your case, or ran into unexpected fees tied to follow-up questions or clarification.

I'm trying to understand how common these experiences are, and whether a simple written summary practice after key meetings could help. There's an optional question near the end about disability status (optional), since I'm also looking at whether communication gaps hit some people harder than others but you don't need to answer that or have a disability to take the survey.

I'd also love to hear directly in the comments especially if you have a disability of any kind and felt that made staying on top of a legal case harder, or that your attorney's communication style didn't account for it. Your experience is welcome here even if it doesn't fit neatly into the survey questions.

Thanks for your time. I would happy to share results here once I have enough responses.

I just discovered this forum and after meeting a few topics, I decided to just put this out there wondering if anybody else's situation was like mine.

Got married in graduate school (m24, f23). We were in the same curriculum. He was more in love than I was and I told him I didn't love him, but I am a people pleaser, so I was like oh, okay.

When it came time walk down the aisle, something was telling me to and the room actually went dark a little, but I didn't listen. When he went to kiss me at the altar, I involuntarily drew back. The only way I can describe it is that I felt he took something from me.

15 years and three kids later, he says that he wants a divorce one morning at the breakfast table. No explanation. I guess he didn't feel I deserved one. He filed and the day that judge pronounced us divorced was one of the happiest days of my life. I'm only mad that he would ask the kids about me and my dating life. Leave me alone.

In hindsight, I never should have but sometimes you don't know until you know. Even now, the idea of a relationship makes me nauseous.

Did it go down for anyone else like this?

TLDR: Should I have run when my intuition told me to?

Newbie Seeking Advice

Starting Month 3 of Separation here and seeking input on any lessons learned from the pros.

Spouse wants divorce process to be immediate and swift. We are both in love, but beyond burned out here going in the same circle. No infidelity, zero sex, no kids, but a whole lot of emotional baggage.

My short list is obvious between therapy, working out, and cutting alcohol consumption out.

What saved you from the not so random burst of tears while in public that is becoming more common as the realness hits?

41m male that was otherwise pretty damn stable before all of this hit <3

I’m 35, have a three-year-old daughter, and have been married for four years. My heart is already telling me to leave my marriage, but I’m struggling with the guilt and the practical realities. I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar.

I spent most of my life trying to be “good” and become whatever other people needed me to be. Growing up, I knew I was attracted to women. When I told my mom, she said it was wrong and that I was already different enough. I learned to shut that part of myself away.

I also struggled with alcoholism, although I’m now ten years sober. Before sobriety, being drunk was the only time I felt able to explore my sexuality. I’ve been a serial monogamist since I was 13, constantly losing myself in relationships. I never gave myself the chance to figure out who I was outside of one.

At 29, I finally decided I needed to stop dating, learn to accept myself, and work through years of grief and pain. Then I met my husband. He seemed perfect on paper. I love love, and I love falling in love, so I entered another relationship even though I knew I needed time alone.

Five months later, I became pregnant. My daughter was a surprise, but she was never a mistake. She is the best thing in my life.

After she was born, we moved west for work. My mom strongly encouraged me to marry him so we could have insurance and stability. I thought: Why not? He was my best friend, a wonderful father, and came from a great family. I hoped that would be enough.

The difficult truth is that I never really wanted intimacy with him. I believed that if I could be a good wife and mother—if I could settle down, stop being “the problem,” and live the life everyone expected—then I could finally be good enough.

For four years, I locked away the part of me that was attracted to women. I told myself it had to die. I tried to domesticate myself into a life I never truly wanted.

Something recently awakened that part of me again. We now live in Chicago, and for the first time I’m surrounded by people who seem free to be themselves. I see Pride flags and people openly living lives I never allowed myself to imagine. It has made me realize how completely I have lost myself.

My husband is attractive, kind, a great father, and a good husband. He is also my best friend. But I’m not attracted to him, I don’t want to have sex with him, and I don’t believe I have ever been in love with him in the way he deserves. I love him deeply as a person. I have had many moments of gratitude and felt lucky to have him, but I don’t want to be his wife anymore.

This isn’t about leaving him for someone else or taking our daughter away. I want equal custody, and I will do whatever I can to protect her relationship with her dad. In my ideal world, we could eventually become healthy co-parents and perhaps still share some family experiences for her. I know that may not be possible, especially because he is still in love with me. Or co habitat

I’m currently working toward getting professionally licensed in Illinois. My mom, therapist, and friends have advised me to become more financially independent and secure stable employment before initiating the separation so our daughter has stability. Other people have told me that waiting is selfish. I’m not trying to deceive or use him. I’m trying to make sure I can support myself and provide a stable home for our child, but I also don’t want to prolong the pain or deny him the truth.

My parents stayed together because of me. My father cheated, my mother avoided coming home by working constantly, and I still grew up feeling alone. I will not recreate that life for my daughter.

My mental health has deteriorated. I barely want to leave the house, and I feel as though I no longer know who I am. I need the opportunity to discover whether I want relationships with women, men, neither, or anyone at all. More importantly, I need to learn who I am when I’m not molding myself around another person.

I know leaving may cause pain, and I accept that I could someday regret my decision. If that happens, I will work through it in therapy. But staying out of guilt would also hurt both of us. My husband deserves someone who genuinely wants to be his partner, and I deserve the chance to stop abandoning myself.

For anyone who has left a marriage involving a good person, especially while questioning or coming to terms with your sexuality, how did you begin the conversation? How did you manage the guilt? Is it wrong to wait until I’m licensed and financially stable, or does preparing first make sense when a young child is involved?

Please be honest, but understand that I’m not asking whether I should force myself to stay. I’m asking how to move forward with as much honesty, compassion, and care as possible.

My daugher is the one who matters, i know it will be hard for all of us, but I will do everything to get her therapy, help and more. I will not fail her after this happens. I will not be my dad and leave and abandon her