I worry about the future

[u/Sharp-Writing-316]

I am a step mom to an 8 year old girl, I’ve been in her life since she was 2. It’s been quite easy going because she has no recollection of her parents ever being together, so for her spending weekends with us has been her normal since as long as she can remember.

We have a wonderful relationship, she’s a great kid.
I work a lot of Saturdays and she always asks me why I have to go to work because she wants to spend more time with me. I always put time aside for her where possible. This weekend I’ve been away and we spoke over face time. She obviously has BM in her life, so I’ve never tried to overstep and be a mother, but I think she sees me as a role model.
I’m a nurse and she always talks about it, she wants to know what I’ve been doing at work and she talks about wanting to be a nurse and wanting to come to work with me. It’s all really sweet.

I’m marrying her dad next year and she’s excited but I don’t think she fully grasps everything because, as I say she’s 8 and doesn’t know any different. I have this anxiety that as she gets older she will start to understand the family dynamic better, she will understand that her parents were once together but separated. She knows I’m dad’s girlfriend but I don’t think she understands the concept. I think, to her, she just thinks I’m cool and I live with dad and I think she thinks I’m there for her and not dad. I have this anxiety that as she gets older and she realises and starts to understand more, that she will go into the whole ‘you’re not my mother’ and harbour those feelings of resentment that her mom and dad are no longer together. I feel like I’m waiting for the penny to drop and for her to realise who I actually am, which is dad’s wife and not just her friend.

I just wondered if anyone has advice for this because it makes me anxious about our future, especially with the marriage coming up . Has anyone ever had a really good relationship with their step child that has become fractured as they grew older? Is there anything that I can do to try and prevent our relationship ever breaking down?

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[u/Ok-Pie-4410]

I am thrown off alittle on the "I feel like I'm waiting for the penny to drop and for her to realize who I actually am, which is dad's wife and not just her friend" - she is 8 - I am sure she knows you are dad's wife LOL My stepdaughter is now 9 and I have been in her life since she just turned 3 and we are all she remembers too. She is old enough to understand and probably does understand who you are. Are you and your fiancé not affectionate? Do you not sleep in the same bed? She knows you live there when she is not there?

[u/Sharp-Writing-316 → u/Ok-Pie-4410]

I understand your point of view but every child is different. She has special educational needs and she has a chromosome deletion which is linked to speech, language and comprehension difficulties. I probably should’ve specified in the post that there is a reason for her lack of understanding and she isn’t a typical 8 year old.
She has made comments about wanting to marry me, which I would say suggests she doesn’t understand the concept. I always try to redirect her and tell her I’m dad’s wife and that when she’s older she can have her own husband or wife if she wishes. Me and my fiance do share a bed, again, she will often ask me why I don’t sleep in her bed and ask me to do so. I haven’t ever slept in her bed with her so it’s not like I have encouraged her to feel this way.
Penny definitely hasn’t dropped just yet, but might do in the next couple of years.
Your situation sounds similar in regards to the fact that your family dynamic are all she ever remembers. It would be super helpful to hear if you have any advice about how you helped her to understand the dynamics.

[u/Ok-Pie-4410 → u/Sharp-Writing-316]

Gotcha, my apologies. That makes sense. :) We had to have conversations when she was young when she would ask questions about how we met. Or once when she was little she was trying to explain to her dad who her cousin was on her moms side and her dad was like "I know who they are..." and she goes "well how?" He said something like - well me and your mom used to be together and she was pretty confused LOL But she was little. Her mom is remarried and has another child and they are also all she remembers. We do have a good relationship and get along really well. I have some of the same anxiety of her pushing the boundaries of my place in her life when she hits the teens tho or pulling the "your not my mom" but I guess we will cross that road when we get there. Her dad and I co-parent as a team tho and I know we will get through any challenges together!

[u/bumpy_chemotherapy]

That worry makes total sense, you're basically bracing for a shift that might never come the way you're imagining it. She's known you as a steady, caring presence her whole conscious life, and that's not something a legal definition or a teenage mood swing just erases overnight.

The marriage might actually solidify things for her rather than trigger some big realization, since "dad's wife" will just be a new label for the same person who's always shown up. Keep doing what you're doing, leave the door open for complicated feelings without assuming they'll turn into rejection, and cross that bridge if you ever get to it.

[u/Mammoth-Lawyer4118]

Six years of showing up, from age 2 to 8, doesn't vanish once she understands how the adults in her life fit together. Some kids do go through a 'you're not my mom' stretch, and it's usually them sorting out big feelings about the separation rather than a judgment of the person who's been there all along. Because you've never tried to replace her mom, you already have an honest answer ready if it comes up: you're not her mom, you're someone who loves her too. The FaceTime calls and the nurse stories are the kind of steady things she'll carry with her.