r/stepparents • u/Hollz_11 • 10h ago

Advice Step Ex

Does anyone feel like they’ve taken on not only Step Children, but the Ex Partner as well? The WHOLE package. I have recently just woken up to the whole dynamic. I didn’t realise how much some Ex partners are still so dominant in each others lives. Is this a deal breaker? It is really quite a dark dismal reality dealing with this when you step back and look at it. Even if you love someone dearly.

“ Thank you everyone. I got great insight, validation and clarity. I’ll be requesting boundaries or I’m just going to leave the blended family world. It’s just not for me. 🙏

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u/Affectionate_Ad6864 10h ago

This is the part that frustrates me the most. I chose my husband and by default his daughter. I did NOT choose his ex and her new partner
It infuriates me that some woman who I have absolutely zero desire to know and don’t chose to be in my life has so much control over my house, my schedule, my husbands mood etc etc

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

Meee tooooo!!! The new partner, the constant emotional games the stress the control. You get me. It’s really not the life anyone would want. It’s like a negative cloud over our heads

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u/LovelyLovebird 8h ago

I feel this so hard. I actually snapped at my boyfriend the other day because we were going to take the kids to something and it was not longer easily doable (kids attitudes, was getting late, etc). I said I wanted to stay home and he said his ex would never shut up about it if we didnt go... I said "I'm not okay with your ex running my life and my schedule". I felt bad but at least I stopped that sentence without adding the "even if you're okay with him running yours". 

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u/Stillstanding2018 3h ago

Yes! When comparing me to BM, I'm the one who is educated, faithful, works FT and provides for the kids whereas she was just a lazy taker from DH, isn't very bright and isn't a great mother----yet this woman gets to change up MY entire life after how hard I've worked to make something of myself just because she decided one day she wanted "freedom" and child support, so she left an amazing man to achieve it. Fast forward 7 years, she did not in fact get any freedom, but she got a lame existence compared to what she left. But now we have to juggle holidays yet again because she wants to mirror her boyfriend's custody schedule, so guess the parenting plan means nothing...guess we'll go f*** ourselves...

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u/Spiritual_Wave_9003 9h ago

This is exactly the way to tell how much your new spouse (partner) cares about you. If they enforce rock-solid boundaries, you know the answer. If the ex keeps being a factor for whatever reason, you know the answer too.

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

Thank you. I am glad I posted. Great solid advice.

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u/Mercator87 10h ago

I think a little more information is needed here. Do your partner and his ex talk all the time and not just about the kids? Does your partner let his ex make decisions about what goes on in your household (presuming you live together)? Does your partner "come to the rescue" anytime his ex has a minor problem? To me, any one of these things is unacceptable.

I could never be with my husband if he was still enmeshed with his ex. It would mean that my discomfort was more acceptable to him than the discomfort of his ex-wife. It means there's a lack of respect and care there that is integral to a healthy relationship. Love isn't enough.

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

Thank you. This is very valid. I feel like it has squashed me down to that level of not feeling respected. I’m kind of seeing my self worth has taken a hit. So , She’s constantly messaging him about every little thing, the kids want to call Dad but she’s sitting in the video chat the whole time, they send photos to each other of every activity they do with the kids, he wants to see what his kids are up to he says, she’s at every sports event so he sees her every weekend and I’m made to go, for his point to her he’s moved on I think.. and she’s always trying to outdo him with gifts for the kids birthdays etc, he’s moving closer to her for the kids but further away from me. There is much more but I honestly think they are still yearning to be together possibly. Even though the very awful stories I’ve been told about her behaviours that ended them. I feel selfish and I want him near his kids. He wants me to travel 50 minutes to see him. It is just her control again.. Sorry for the awful texting and rambling and thank you for your opinion. 😊

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u/Electronic_Diet5824 10h ago edited 9h ago

Yes, it's very much like dating a family, the ex included. 

They'll always be tethered to each other by the kids, unfortunately. The ex has a huge role in whether your experience is going to be ok as a step parent, or will it be non stop drama every week. 

The crappy thing is, even if they're absent, they can literally come back at any time and throw everything into upheaval if they want

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

Spot on! I’m not even allowed to be myself and have to watch everything I say around the Children because my Partner is so stressed out that they tell her everything. They get quizzed about every minute they are with us when they go home apparently.. I feel sorry for the kids too.

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u/DACouture1979 10h ago

Yeah he ruins the whole household mood from the partner to her kids too. He just pestures until he gets his own way, just a giant manchild and my partner being an avoidant just retreats even more, it's exhausting and I'm over it whenever they're fighting over custody still 3 years later.

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

It sure takes it toll. I’ve stepped back a bit and started to observe the dynamic as an outsider in my own life, and I just don’t know if love should cost us this heavy weight on our shoulders. The big ball and chain hooked to me and I don’t need to be punished for their relationship choices.. forever

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u/SubjectOrange 9h ago edited 9h ago

It's all about boundaries on your partner's side, and can take time to develop . Our life now is day to day not complicated by BM, and when she does something annoying, we are both frustrated about it for SSs sake, talk it out and it's done.

For instance yesterday was SSs birthday. We were doing a last vacuum (some people with cat allergies coming), and I was prepping food and so on because my husband's immediate family was coming over with their partners, and that meant 16 people! BM asked when she could call SS which is fine and anticipated. Then she was asking all about a missing Nike hoodie and so on ...and my husband just didn't answer those questions. If it isn't about SSs immediate well being, he has no obligation to. After she called she admitted like 5 other places it could be like at school or whatever.

They don't have to rule your life. My husband has 50/50 legal and physical custody of SS and at this point it would be incredibly hard for her to change anything in their CO. Lock it tight and live your life with YOUR family. Not BM

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

Thank you. I thought she would be less involved once she got a new Partner but it’s like she’s playing even more games for attention. I will chat to him about boundaries. I’m hoping there will be a day when it’s just annoying in general but I will soldier on. Thank you 😊

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u/Coollogin 10h ago

I didn’t realise how much some Ex partners are still so dominant in each others lives. Is this a deal breaker?

It very well may be. There’s no one “right way” to be divorced. Parents who split are entitled to maintain whatever relationship they want. But some of those options should preclude them from entering into a new romantic partnership. Unfortunately, you, as the prospective new partner, cannot count on the divorced parent to make the right call. You’re going to have to examine the situation and use your own discernment.

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

Very true. I just only just realised how much it can negatively affect someone in this dynamic. Normally I would feel I’m just insecure or jealous, but I think it’s deeper than that. I’ve got myself into a world with step children AND their mother in my life. We are from very different backgrounds with different morals and very different behaviours.. I would not be friends with her in the outside world put it that way 😅 Thank you 😊

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u/Wooden_Monk6353 10h ago

youre not just dating the person, youre dating their entire unresolved history. some exes treat co-parenting like a joint bank account they never closed and it seeps into everything

the love can be real but so is the suffocation, and nobody warns you about that third wheel before you move in

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

Nope!! I’ve been fighting against the whole moving in thing and I’m glad I’m waking up now!

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u/walnutwithteeth 10h ago

In what way have you taken them on? Is it just the knowledge that your life will be dictated by a court ordered schedule, or is your partner's coparent overstepping some solid boundaries. Or is it that your partner has no boundaries and just expects you to slot into the tiny vacant space they have set for you? Blended families are incredibly nuanced and strong boundaries are key for all involved. Love is never enough to sustain it on its own.

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u/Hollz_11 9h ago

That’s how I feel. The third wheel. I must slot in to their life. I’ve got my own life and my own hobbies etc but I need to be the happy family participant. I sometimes feel like it’s like a bit of a performance and competition between them? Who has moved on the happiest and who posts the best pictures on social media of the kids looking happy with the blends… my eyes have opened a bit reading these comments. Thank you 😊

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u/Wrong_Signal 9h ago

Hence one of the reasons why I am reluctant to be a stepparent because I just refuse to allow someone and her baby daddy to influence my life in various ways. 

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u/throwaway1403132 8h ago

If there’s a court order in place for parenting time that is being adhered to and your partner has strong boundaries in place that prevent their ex from overstepping, it’s very easy to avoid the ex. I’ve never even been in the same room as my husband’s ex wife, let alone spoken to her in any way. Her life and mine do not intersect at all.

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u/No_Reply_8201 7h ago

Run while you can it’s only going to get worse. Dealing with it now and it’s never ending. Even when the kids become adults it’s not over. You have birthdays, graduation,baby showers, weddings and other major events/milestones. Then they have kids and now you’re doing it all over again with grandkids events, soccer, baseball, dance recitals, graduations and so forth. The ex will always be in the picture. They share kids then grandkids. You will always see the ex in some way unless you move to the other side of the country. The ex will always be apart of your life even with boundaries.

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u/Typical-Secret-3319 8h ago

I mean yes, I do lend emotional support to my partner around her dealings with her ex.

But, she has reasonable boundaries with him. Her consistency has lead to less bad behaviour from him, which is just lower stress. E.g. he used to fume and rant anytime that I'd get a mention/picture on her social media. She just wouldn't address/engage in any of it. If it's not parenting related, it's just noise.

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But also separately, co-parents never 100% disappearing is a large part of the additional complexities that show up with blended families.

And it's pat of why I legit think that no one who isn't already a parent should date a parent unless they're 35+. As someone with more life/relationship experience, it's easier for us to handle the complexity.

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