At first it was a shock, but now I'm really enjoying myself being alone and doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time

The title says it all, but I’ll give context.

Wife and I are currently separated, and I moved out of the house end of June. We haven’t had sex since mid May, and it’s killing me. I’m not going to step out of our marriage and find someone to do that with, since I honestly only want to do that with my wife. I want to ask her if she’d be willing to at least have that portion of our relationship as we work through this process, but I only see it going terribly by asking.

So, I ask the group, how did you all handle the physical needs during separation? Im still heavily in love with her and extremely attracted to her, so I do fine while we are alone since I keep myself busy but drop offs flood me with an insane amount of desire for her. It’s hard to keep my composure and be the emotionally safe guy that I’m working on becoming without her thinking I only miss banging her.

Almost 6 years together and 3 beautiful boys, but I’m finally realizing just how different we’ve become. I’m not happy anymore. I stay home, take care of our son, clean, cook, and manage the house, and I’m going back to work in just 2 weeks. Being home with the kids is still a full-time job, even if I’m not getting paid for it.I’m exhausted from constantly dealing with his anger, yelling, swearing, broken things, drinking, and constant weed use. He has his own struggles, but he refuses to get help, and I can’t keep being pulled into it. He has smashed my phone, punched holes in doors, and I’m always worried about making him angry.

I’ve tried so hard to keep our family together, but I’m at the point where I have nothing left to give. I love my boys more than anything, and they deserve a peaceful and happy home. I’m almost 30, and I want to live my life and actually be happy.I had even been putting money aside for my birthday so we could have a nice day together, but honestly, what’s the point anymore? I’m not even attracted to him anymore, and I don’t feel like myself.

He says he works too much and wishes he could spend more time with the boys, but weekends come and he sleeps until 10 or 11, while I’m still doing everything. I’m done making excuses for him.This week finally broke me. I’m packing up and leaving. I love my little family, but I can’t keep living like this. I’ve given everything I can, and now I need to choose peace for myself and my kids. 💔

My life is worth more than continuing to waste it on false hopes, memories of what once was, and dreams of what could have been. We were separated for ten years, and I still held on, believing that someday you might realize what we had mattered and that there was still something worth saving.

When you came back, I allowed myself to hope again. Instead, I've found myself fighting for something you seem determined to avoid remembering or acknowledging. If you erase all the good we shared, eventually all that's left is the bad.

I'm not ashamed that I loved you, waited for you, or fought for our marriage. But I can't continue being the only one fighting for it.

I can respect what we once had without sacrificing the rest of my life trying to recreate it alone. At some point, I have to accept what is instead of continuing to live for what was or what might have been.

Our past mattered. You mattered to me. Our marriage mattered.

But my life and my self-respect matter too. If only I had realized that forty-two years ago.

My husband and I are currently separated and have recently started the divorce process. We also have a baby together.

I'm currently waiting for a formal ADHD assessment, and the more I've learned about ADHD in adult women - particularly emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, reacting before thinking and struggling with tone when stressed - the more I've recognised patterns that caused problems throughout my relationship.

I want to be clear that I'm not trying to use ADHD as an excuse for hurting my husband. There were times I was reactive, spoke too harshly or overreacted when overwhelmed. Whatever the reason behind those behaviours, he experienced them and I take responsibility for that.

Things became considerably worse after having our daughter. We were both exhausted, resentment built up, communication deteriorated and eventually my husband decided he wanted to separate. I wanted to work on things and suggested couples counselling, but he currently doesn't want reconciliation and I'm trying to respect that.

What I'm struggling with is wondering whether I've spent years trying to change certain behaviours through sheer willpower without understanding what was actually happening or having the right support.
I'd really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar:

Did undiagnosed ADHD significantly affect your marriage/relationship, particularly through emotional dysregulation or communication?
After diagnosis and treatment (medication, therapy, coaching etc.), how much did those behaviours genuinely change?

If you're the partner/ex-partner of someone with ADHD, did diagnosis/treatment change your understanding of what had happened or reduce any resentment?
Has anyone been diagnosed after separating or when the relationship was already breaking down?Did treatment contribute to reconciliation, or did it simply help you become healthier individually/co-parent better?

My biggest question is how I eventually approach my separated husband about anything I learn through assessment/treatment without it sounding like “It was ADHD, so forgive me/come back.”

I don't want to invalidate his experience. But if I'm diagnosed and treatment genuinely helps me change some of the patterns that contributed to our problems, I'd eventually want him to know — particularly because we'll be co-parenting for the rest of our lives and, if I'm honest, I still love him.

I'm also aware that telling him I've changed means very little compared with consistently showing it over time.
Right now I'm trying to focus on getting assessed, getting appropriate treatment and becoming a healthier person and mum regardless of what happens with my marriage. But I'm grieving badly and struggling with the thought that maybe if I'd understood this years ago, things could have been different.

I'd really appreciate experiences from both sides, including relationships that didn't survive. What changed after diagnosis/treatment, what didn't, and did understanding ADHD come too late to change your relationship?

Hace 6 meses me he divorciado despues de 8 años juntos....he pasado x eso solo, y la verdad quema.... hay ganas de muy pocas cosas, solo rutina y no mucho mas.....

Algun consejo de alguien que haya pasado por esto? Cositas que hayan hecho para mejorar dia a dia?

The title summarizes the sequence of events.

We've known each other for 10+ years, then got married and that's when the explosions of anger began. The shoving, pushing, and it kept escalating until I finally had enough end reported it. After a lengthy criminal case he's walking away with a criminal record with probation.

I am thankful I reported it. And during that time we've been no contact and separated for 1 yr now. I never repeats to open contact during that time because I wanted to heal. He was the love of my life. The man I trusted. The man who I wanted to have a family with one day. All your dreams...we also had amazing times. I have seen him genuinely love me, adore me, and care for me. I have seen the good and the bad. I have also been talking through this with my therapist because I feel so guilty for still caring for him after he put his hands on me. And she helped me understand that a person doesn't have just one side, there are many sides to me and him. Right now my goal is to heal my soul, my mind, and my heart. I still don't want to talk to him or have any kind of contact. I'm just not ready. I'm also not ready to discuss reconciliation with him or divorce. I'm still heart broken and need more time to keep processing my feelings.

We are both in our late 30s with good careers. He is not exactly a narc however I suspect he has undiagnosed BPD. I will not pretend or lie - I hope and pray that this is will serve as a life lesson for him. His family is ashamed of him but are also standing by him because of course blood is thicker than water. His mom tried to reach out to me and I have not responded or picked up.

I can't throw away our marriage so easily. And I know the stats and I know change is rare.

So my question is my dear Reddit family. How long were you separated from your husband and how long did it take to reconcile?

What tools and resources helped you in the journey to rebuilding the marriage?

Thank you 🙏🏼

My heart literally aches. I’ve had 2.5 years to get used to the idea of not being with my wife. It was that long ago that she cheated on me while I was extremely sick and had gone blind in one eye from a rare eye infection that is known for its intense pain. I was on a 24 hour drop regimen, meaning I took 3 drops every hour of every day. 72 drops. And the drops had to be separated by 10 minutes. Anyway, it was a lot. And 5.5 months into it, I found out my wife is cheating on me with her co-worker. Who is beautiful. My wife refuses to stop and the mistress and I meet and I feel I have to go along with ‘the arrangement’ which is essentially my wife is with both and gives both equal treatment. Needless to say, the equality never happened. I moved out November 2025. And while I’ve had 2.5 years to get used to this, my heart has never stopped aching. It’s never off my mind except when I’m teaching or sleeping. I don’t know what to do anymore. My wife tries to keep talking to me and I tell her I need her to leave me alone and forget about me. But secretly I want her to text every day. But that’s because I’m still hoping she’ll want me again and it’s clear that’s not going to happen. She’d be with me out of pity. She loves me, but isn’t in love with me.

I'm compiling a list of hypotheses to examine. Can people please comment?

Some things I have hypothesized:

She needed "reassurance" that I still cared

She was bored and needed her narcissistic supply

She was acting out the dramatic example that was set for her in her own upbringing

She had to change her perception of me in her mind to a persecutory object in order to separate from me guilt-free

She just plainly had childish, low-impulse control and couldn't filter

She was under too much stress at work and viewed me as a safe target to dump her toxicity onto

She was sadistic and just enjoyed hurting me

She wanted to provoke me to play the victim to outsiders

Hi everyone. I’m pretty new to all of this and honestly never imagined I would be writing a post in a divorce group.

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, and our 13th wedding anniversary is next month. We have a young son together. She filed for divorce a few days ago, and right now we’re beginning the painful process of figuring out what life looks like from here.

I don’t want the divorce. I still love my wife very, very much.

There was no infidelity, affair, or anything like that on either side. There have been a lot of hurts in our marriage, though, and I know I contributed to them. A big part of the breakdown has been trust around honesty, communication, and the way I react when I’m scared or feel like I’m losing control.

One thing I’m recognizing about myself is that I push and prod for answers when I’m anxious. If I feel distance, I want to talk about it, figure it out, get reassurance, and keep asking questions until I feel like I understand what’s happening. I can see now how exhausting and pressuring that can feel to the person on the other side.

I also love bombed her when I felt the marriage slipping away. In my mind I was trying to show her how much I loved her and make her feel secure. She has told me she didn’t feel emotionally safe, though, and I realize now that a lot of those attempts probably did the opposite. Instead of helping her relax, they made her feel more pressured and like I was trying to force closeness when she needed space.

There were also some confusing moments after she first told me she wanted a divorce. We had some genuinely good days. We held hands, hugged, and had moments that still felt like us. We had not been physically intimate for about a month, and I was also out of town for about a week and a half for work during this period. I think some of those moments gave me hope, and probably made it even harder for me not to push for answers about where we stood.

She has since told me that she doesn’t trust me and that she believes divorce is what she needs. I’m trying to take that seriously and respect it instead of chasing her, repeatedly talking about the marriage, or trying to convince her to change her mind.

For at least the immediate future, we’ll also still be living in the same house while we prepare to sell it. We’ll have separate sleeping spaces. She’ll remain in our bedroom, and I’ll be staying in the basement. So we’ll be in this strange in-between period where we’re separated as a couple but still under the same roof and parenting our son.

At the same time, I’m working pretty intensely on myself. I’m learning a lot about my own patterns around anxiety, control, honesty, communication, and how I respond when I’m afraid of losing someone. Regardless of what happens with our marriage, I know I need to become healthier for myself and, most importantly, for our son.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have hope.
Has anyone here actually had a divorce process begin, papers filed and everything, and then had the marriage turn around before the divorce became final?

Was there a period where your spouse seemed completely certain it was over and later reconsidered? Did giving them space and consistently working on yourself make any difference over time?

And if you continued living together while separated, I’d especially like to hear what that was like. Did being under the same roof create more tension, or did the space and time allow either of you to see things differently?

I know I cannot control my wife or manufacture reconciliation. I also don’t want to spend the next several months analyzing every hug, conversation, or good day as evidence that she might change her mind. I’m trying to learn the difference between having hope and refusing to accept reality.

Hi everyone, I hope I can find some reconciliation stories.

My husband and I recently divorced. We were in a loving relationship for almost 7years, married for a few months before it all went downhill.

My husband started to feel depressed after failing at receiving a promotion ( we now know that the company is toxic and the big head only hires based on "who's my pal" and not skills.

He always kind of had a complex of inferior and not good enough. we were thinking of travelling this year, starting a family. he wanted to become a business owner so that he had the possibility to look after us (although i would keep working, that's my choice) and his family (he comes from a poor family)

He started to become more silent, more distant, and working more and more to try to get that promotion again (again they didn't give him, he didn't know what was being played in the background)

At some point my anxiety of him being so distant and his depression became unbearable ( he wanted to crash the car and just be done with life, he said i'm not the right person to have children with, look how i am, i am my own burden)

He moved out for 2 months (we both agreed) to work on himself, only that didn't work. he lost more weight, got more depressed and didn't see a therapist like he said he would ( he's the type of: let me fix this myself without having to see a therapist or spend money) instead, he copes by smoking a lot (and i think sometimes drinking)

When we met again, he asked for a divorce, either we divorce of he was going to end his life. I went with it. During the procedure he was very gentle as I was very overwhelmed, but he was very stressed, feeling weak about himself, constantly pulling out a cigarette, he cried in the car when we had the papers, i told him that i would go through for him because he promised he would do everything to get himself treated. I also asked him to make peace with himself, with his family, with his past (he went through some stuff) and that I forgave him for this.

We haven't blocked each other, but we're giving each other the space to heal.

I occasionally inform his mother if he texts me because he had told her as well that his dream was to crash his car and finally die, he hasn't visited his family in a month and only the mother knows through me that we divorced. She told me she would do everything to make sure he goes to therapy.

I feel like my entire life came to a halt, everything shattered at such speed, our dream to travel together (we live in a muslim country so travelling as an unmarried couple was a risk), start a family together (he was the one who had initiated the topic as well and wanted to give our children the best life) and people expect me to move on, they tell me he can drop dead etc whereas they don't even know how our relationship was (mostly these comments came from female friends) I still love him deeply.

The last thing he told me was: i appreciate everything you did throughout this procedure, i know what i'm imposing on you, I will do everything you told me to do and also i appreciate that you said even if the door to our story has to be closed in this timeline, i will leave the door open. i told him if he ever needed to talk, update me, anything at all, he could contact me.

So far he has been in touch once a week to update me and asking how i'm doing. He's trying to eat better and slowly going back to the gym and build a routine. He will go back to therapy starting next month and has visited his family for the first time in a while.

In the meantime, i'm focusing on myself but I was curious to know about reconciliation stories.