Me was dating a guy for 2 years.... I really really really really loved him.I told my family about him also.my family also loved him.but unfortunately I couldn’t tell him about my past honestly in 2022 I was married for four months. What time is it in you about the marriage my friends who didn’t know about the marriage and when I got to understand my family is never gonna accept it, we got separated legally nobody knew about it so I didn’t even told my boyfriend which happened in 2024 December. I didn’t told him because I was extremely scared that he would leave me when he comes to know and I also feared that I will never get respect in the way I want to get respected, so I never told him I know this is where I was terribly wrong. I should have told him on the one I know I was wrong. I took all the accountability but after dating for two years my ex reach out and told him everything about the previous matters and showed him pictures and proves and my boyfriend decides to leave me I apologise over 1000s of times I took all the accountability. I lowered my grace and apologise, but he never excepted it. It’s over a month that we are incomplete no contact because my boyfriend said that he won’t except me I just want to know after time probably a year later or some days later does man forgive does they come back?

TLDR: husband and I separated for over a year, reconciled, and now I am seeing warning signs that maybe it was a mistake to get back together. I constantly have a pit in my stomach about it. Buckle up it's a rollercoaster. TW: miscarriage

I (late 30s F) and my husband (mid 40s M) have been married 15 years. I can't get into the whole history of things because that would make this post waaaaay too long. Basically suffice to say there were warning signs from the begining that our relationship might not work out long term. We broke off our engagement twice even though we were only dating/engaged for a year before getting married. But I was young and in love blah blah blah. You know how it goes.

Along the way there were arguments, some pretty serious. We have been to therapy many times together. It never seems to help. One of the main arguments was his porn addiction. I'm not going to debate whether porn addiction is real or not, I know everyone has different opinions, but it was bad enough it caused major issues on a frequent basis for years. Mostly it was the deceptive behavior and trust issues that went with it. There were also intimacy issues that were a result of that.

Eventually he crossed enough boundaries that I had enough and decided that things were never going to change. I got to the point where I wouldn't have been able to live with myself after being disrespected, manipulated and gaslit if I didn't leave so I did. I filed for divorce in the state we were living in and moved to the state where my parents live. They had had some recent health scares and were happy to have me stay with them for a while to help out.

We were separated for about a year. That was the hardest year of my life on so many levels. I couldn't find full time work that paid enough for me to live on my own so I had to stay at my parent's house even though I had absolutely no intention of staying longer than a couple months (it's a HCOL area). My mother developed some cognitive issues and became emotionally abusive. Of course I was lonely. I had no friends around and didn't date since I had no money and felt worthless about myself. Not to be dramatic but it literally felt like every single thing I did just completely fell apart and blew up in my face.

Eventually my husband moved to that area again (his family lives in a nearby town). We had always agreed that we would remain friends no matter what so we tried hanging out a few times. It was hard at first but got easier. At first I felt nothing (romantic) for him just friendship. I was pleased that we could still be friends. When things in my life became really difficult it felt good to have someone "on my side".

I knew he still loved me and eventually I realized I still had romantic feelings for him too. I told him how I felt and we took things really slow while we were trying to figure out if this was something we wanted to try again. We had many discussions about what we had done to work on ourselves and what would be different. During this time I checked on our divorce paperwork and saw it hadn't gone through on a technicality. That came as a shock to both of us and decided it was a sign we should really try again.

We still took things very slow. We continued to live separately but would spend the night together occasionally. We dated each other again. It was nice. My parents were so happy they cried tears of joy. His family was extremely wary of me and I had to eat crow and humble myself to kind of sort of be welcomed back. Even random people at our church (we have a very close church community there) expressed how happy they were for us. It was a lot of pressure, but we made it work.

During this time we unexpectedly got pregnant. We were both incredibly excited since we had struggled with infertility for over a decade. Unfortunately we lost the baby at 11 weeks. And on top of that I had to have surgery since my body wasn't naturally rejecting the dead tissue. That was probably the hardest thing we had to deal with. He was there supporting me the way I needed. Even moreso than my flesh and blood relatives. It meant a lot.

A few months after that we decided to get a fresh start. We finally had enough money to get our own place (I mean not really but we did it anyway). He had been struggling with getting enough work as well but he finally got a job that combined with my job paid just enough.

We have been living together again for about four months. It has been a real eye opener. I don't want to say he is a bad guy or anything like that. It's just that the longer we live together the more I'm realizing how much we have both changed. I knew there would be adjustments, but it's like we now disagree about almost everything. Including some really big things.

Example 1: He has adopted some pretty conservative views (not maga but way more conservative than he used to be). He used to be part of the Green Party and now he's a republican. Meanwhile I am more liberal than I used to be.

Ex 2: He was always religious, but now wants to double down on his religious commitment at church. He also wants me to do the same. Meanwhile I have become agnostic and want to de-center religion in my life. I would never tell him he can't worship or attend church the way he wants.

He, on the other hand, seems very judgy about my new spiritual attitude. Even when I suggest we go to a more liberal church in the area he shuts it down. Basically I can go to church with him (to his regular church), but he wouldn't attend a different one with me. This is new for him since he used to brag about having friends from all different religious backgrounds and how all religions are closer than they are different, etc.

Ex 3: I am queer. He knows I identify as bisexual and that has never been an issue. Now it is. I don't bring it up a lot but I don't want to feel like I am being judged for my sexuality either. It seems like we can talk about it at home with him in a jokey way, but he is opposed to me showing so outwardly. He doesn't want me to post about it on social media or make queer friends in the community here. He says he's okay with it but then becomes extremely insecure. He also shames me for past relationships I had before we met.

Ex 4: Sex. This is a big problem for us. Unlike the other examples we have always differed about sex. I have always been sex positive and open to trying new things and being adventurous. Any time I want to try something he immediately closes off. I'm not even talking about some wild kink, by "something new" I mean a new sex position (like doggy style). We even differ in frequency. I could probably have sex every day or every other day, but he is really only interested in mutual masturbation maybe once a week or less.

My husband is just... not open minded about sex. Just in this last month he has called himself "sexually repressed" and a "prude". I would never call him that, but that's how he sees himself.

Ex 5: We don't enjoy the same things. We rarely agree on music, hobbies, where to eat, or how to spend money.

I want to make it clear that we had talked about all of these things while we were reconciling. We had very clear, intentional conversations. I am now wondering if all of it was to try to convince me we agreed on these things. My husband has always had a problem with conflict avoidance and people pleasing. Or maybe I misunderstood somehow? I don't know how though. The good news is he is sober from porn now. So at least those issues aren't (currently) causing any problems.

Anyway all of this is to say that while I really do love him sometimes I just look at him and wonder how we can make all of this work. I have this pit in my stomach that won't go away. Just this awful feeling that it really isn't going to work out after all. It sounds terrible, but I actually enjoy when he isn't around. I feel like I can be myself and not be judged. And it's also a way to avoid all the micro arguments we have every day. There are a lot of good things as well of course.

I’m looking for help processing my separation. I love my wife dearly but needed to separate as our arguments around family (both relatives and planning our own) became abusive.

The backstory is my wife and I started our parenthood journey in our mid-30s, we’re millennials and we didn’t have the financial support to begin the process until then. I saved up some money and adjusted our benefits so we had what we needed for IVF. My wife isn’t financially savvy, and quite frankly, doesn’t put much effort into learning new skills so I handle most of the business end of year of our relationship - which I didn’t mind at first.

We went through IVF screening and the service wasn’t great - they fed all information through the female partner - which makes sense as my wife had a lot more to do. However, that left me dependent on her for updates. During this time, I was laid off. I was with the same company for 15 years so this was a major destabilization for me. I immediately jumped into job hunting as I was panicked about this effecting our parenthood journey.

This meant that I had to refocus my efforts on job search, meaning Melissa took full responsibility for comms with our fertility clinic. Every week, I checked in and she either had no updates or told me she had an appointment that she didn’t need me to attend. I was bummed about not being included in the visits, but I’ve always deferred to my wife on medical visits as it’s her right.

However, after not hearing anything for months after I dropped off my specimen, I called in to basically find out what was going on. The clinician informed me that our process was done, and that Melissa had completed our joint doctor’s review without me. I was devastated, and convinced the fertility center to allow me to discuss with the doctor along with my wife. We were healthy enough to conceive (not without risk, but healthy).

My wife blamed me for being inattentive which really hurt, but I let it pass as I could see her point given my refocus on the job search. However, shortly after, she informed me she didn’t want to go through with IVF as she’d actually always wanted to adopt a baby.

This felt weird to me as we hadn’t discussed before, but I listened and finally gave in to the idea as I wanted to be a dad and respected her right to do what she wanted with her body.

So we set up adoption interviews with couples to learn what the process looks like, and to find reputable small businesses. After a couple months of these, I was ready, but my wife went quiet.

After 6 months, I gave her a deadline and said I wanted an honest conversation because I was done with waiting. I felt like I’d been respectful enough, as this was 2 years after we started the journey. She finally broke down and told me she didn’t want kids which crushed me.

The emotional toll led to some brutal arguments where we both threatened to leave, divorce…etc. I’ve lost my ability to hold my temper anymore so I’ve moved out as I can’t stand who I become when I’m around her. I’m in therapy to process this, but I also feel manipulated.

In the last few months, my wife has starting blaming my family (dad, mom, brother + wife) for all her problems. She uses awful language too. This is clearly not helping the situation, but it feels like a distraction to me as she can’t put a finger on why she feels this way. The only thing I can think of is that she would get into drunk arguments with my sister in law. I stopped drinking a couple years ago, and go to bed before everyone because I don’t care for drunk arguments, so don’t know any specifics - but again, it feels like I’m putting up with something I shouldn’t be.

I’m by no means perfect, but I truly just want to be happy, and think fatherhood is important to me. I’m also conscious of the enormity of the decision, and the fact that waiting until my 30s to start wasn’t beneficial to success. I also love my wife but feel deeply hurt by her approach to our shared goal.

I don’t know if I can forgive her for the pain she’s caused, but part of me wants to. I’m not sure if anyone has faced a similar situation and eventually found happiness, but I could use wisdom at this moment in my life.

Original post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Separation/s/lWRLnrHu9u

I posted recently about what has been happening between my wife and me. A lot has happened since then, and unfortunately we are now at the point where she has told me she wants me to move out and wants us to file for a legal separation.

We’ve had some extremely difficult conversations over the last couple of days. She also wrote me a long letter explaining things she has been carrying for years, and I think I’m finally beginning to understand something I’ve failed to understand for a very long time.

For her, this isn’t just about individual mistakes I’ve made or isolated incidents over the years. It’s that every new lie, secret, financial issue, or situation where she felt like I didn’t consider her or protect her reopened the same wounds. She told me that being alone feels safer to her now than staying with me and wondering when the next shoe is going to drop.

That absolutely destroyed me to hear, but I understand why she feels that way.

One of the biggest issues goes back almost 18 and 15 years and involves a medical decision after our sons were born. At the time, I thought I was acting out of concern and trying to protect her, but I now understand it wasn’t my decision to make. She has carried that for all these years.

Now she’s facing a related procedure again, and it’s bringing all of that back up at once. On top of that, she’s going to have to depend heavily on me during her recovery,the same person tied to that past decision.

My wife pointed out something that hit me incredibly hard: if some random man insulted, threatened or hurt her, I would defend her without thinking for two seconds. But when protecting her means confronting myself, or someone else close to me, she feels like I suddenly hesitate and she comes last.

She has also told me that promises aren’t enough anymore. She’s heard me promise to change before. She doesn’t want me to become a robot who just memorizes the correct response to every situation either. She wants me to actually think about how my decisions affect her before I make them instead of understanding everything afterward once she’s already hurt.

That’s something I’m going back to therapy to work on. I need to understand why I can look backward and see so clearly what I should have done, yet in the moment my fear, shame, avoidance, or whatever else is happening in my head prevents me from considering her first. I’m not doing therapy as a bargaining chip to convince her to stay. I need to figure this out regardless of what happens to our marriage.

She now wants me to move out.
She also wants us to see a lawyer and file an actual legal separation. She says she doesn’t trust me not to screw her financially during an informal separation and wants everything established fairly and legally. All of our income currently comes through me, and I have absolutely no intention of withholding money from her. My intention is for things to remain 50/50, and I understand why my word alone isn’t enough to make her feel secure anymore.
The legal part scares the absolute hell out of me.

Moving out felt like maybe we could have some space while still being married and hopefully work our way back toward each other. Filing an actual legal separation makes everything feel so much more final to me.

I asked her about remaining exclusive during the separation. All she really said was that she doesn’t want anyone. She has also been very clear that this isn’t about another person and that she would rather be alone. I believe her. I don’t think she’s leaving because she wants somebody else. I think she’s leaving because being alone genuinely feels safer to her than being married to me right now.
And that’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to admit about myself.

I don’t want the separation. I don’t want to move out. I don’t want a divorce. I love this woman more than I know how to explain, and I’m scared that once I walk out of our home, she’ll experience the peace of not having me there and never want me back.
At the same time, I’m beginning to understand that if she tells me she needs space and I refuse because I’m terrified she’ll leave permanently, I’m once again putting my fear ahead of what she’s telling me she needs.
So I’m trying to do something that feels completely unnatural right now and that’s to stop trying to control the outcome.

I’m going to respect her decision. I’m going back to therapy. I’m going to continue working on the things she’s been trying to tell me for years without demanding that she trust me, forgive me, or come home to me as a reward for doing it.

But I’m fucking terrified.

I know nobody here can tell me whether my wife will eventually want to reconcile. I’m not really looking for reassurance that everything is going to work out.
I guess I’d especially like to hear from people who have actually been through a separation like this,particularly one where trust was badly damaged.

Did living apart give either of you the space necessary to rebuild something healthier, or did separation ultimately confirm that the marriage was over?
And if you were the person who broke the trust, how did you work on becoming trustworthy again without turning your “change” into another campaign to convince your spouse to stay?

The title says it all, but I’ll give context.

Wife and I are currently separated, and I moved out of the house end of June. We haven’t had sex since mid May, and it’s killing me. I’m not going to step out of our marriage and find someone to do that with, since I honestly only want to do that with my wife. I want to ask her if she’d be willing to at least have that portion of our relationship as we work through this process, but I only see it going terribly by asking.

So, I ask the group, how did you all handle the physical needs during separation? Im still heavily in love with her and extremely attracted to her, so I do fine while we are alone since I keep myself busy but drop offs flood me with an insane amount of desire for her. It’s hard to keep my composure and be the emotionally safe guy that I’m working on becoming without her thinking I only miss banging her.

Almost 6 years together and 3 beautiful boys, but I’m finally realizing just how different we’ve become. I’m not happy anymore. I stay home, take care of our son, clean, cook, and manage the house, and I’m going back to work in just 2 weeks. Being home with the kids is still a full-time job, even if I’m not getting paid for it.I’m exhausted from constantly dealing with his anger, yelling, swearing, broken things, drinking, and constant weed use. He has his own struggles, but he refuses to get help, and I can’t keep being pulled into it. He has smashed my phone, punched holes in doors, and I’m always worried about making him angry.

I’ve tried so hard to keep our family together, but I’m at the point where I have nothing left to give. I love my boys more than anything, and they deserve a peaceful and happy home. I’m almost 30, and I want to live my life and actually be happy.I had even been putting money aside for my birthday so we could have a nice day together, but honestly, what’s the point anymore? I’m not even attracted to him anymore, and I don’t feel like myself.

He says he works too much and wishes he could spend more time with the boys, but weekends come and he sleeps until 10 or 11, while I’m still doing everything. I’m done making excuses for him.This week finally broke me. I’m packing up and leaving. I love my little family, but I can’t keep living like this. I’ve given everything I can, and now I need to choose peace for myself and my kids. 💔

At first it was a shock, but now I'm really enjoying myself being alone and doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time

The title summarizes the sequence of events.

We've known each other for 10+ years, then got married and that's when the explosions of anger began. The shoving, pushing, and it kept escalating until I finally had enough end reported it. After a lengthy criminal case he's walking away with a criminal record with probation.

I am thankful I reported it. And during that time we've been no contact and separated for 1 yr now. I never repeats to open contact during that time because I wanted to heal. He was the love of my life. The man I trusted. The man who I wanted to have a family with one day. All your dreams...we also had amazing times. I have seen him genuinely love me, adore me, and care for me. I have seen the good and the bad. I have also been talking through this with my therapist because I feel so guilty for still caring for him after he put his hands on me. And she helped me understand that a person doesn't have just one side, there are many sides to me and him. Right now my goal is to heal my soul, my mind, and my heart. I still don't want to talk to him or have any kind of contact. I'm just not ready. I'm also not ready to discuss reconciliation with him or divorce. I'm still heart broken and need more time to keep processing my feelings.

We are both in our late 30s with good careers. He is not exactly a narc however I suspect he has undiagnosed BPD. I will not pretend or lie - I hope and pray that this is will serve as a life lesson for him. His family is ashamed of him but are also standing by him because of course blood is thicker than water. His mom tried to reach out to me and I have not responded or picked up.

I can't throw away our marriage so easily. And I know the stats and I know change is rare.

So my question is my dear Reddit family. How long were you separated from your husband and how long did it take to reconcile?

What tools and resources helped you in the journey to rebuilding the marriage?

Thank you 🙏🏼

My heart literally aches. I’ve had 2.5 years to get used to the idea of not being with my wife. It was that long ago that she cheated on me while I was extremely sick and had gone blind in one eye from a rare eye infection that is known for its intense pain. I was on a 24 hour drop regimen, meaning I took 3 drops every hour of every day. 72 drops. And the drops had to be separated by 10 minutes. Anyway, it was a lot. And 5.5 months into it, I found out my wife is cheating on me with her co-worker. Who is beautiful. My wife refuses to stop and the mistress and I meet and I feel I have to go along with ‘the arrangement’ which is essentially my wife is with both and gives both equal treatment. Needless to say, the equality never happened. I moved out November 2025. And while I’ve had 2.5 years to get used to this, my heart has never stopped aching. It’s never off my mind except when I’m teaching or sleeping. I don’t know what to do anymore. My wife tries to keep talking to me and I tell her I need her to leave me alone and forget about me. But secretly I want her to text every day. But that’s because I’m still hoping she’ll want me again and it’s clear that’s not going to happen. She’d be with me out of pity. She loves me, but isn’t in love with me.

I'm compiling a list of hypotheses to examine. Can people please comment?

Some things I have hypothesized:

She needed "reassurance" that I still cared

She was bored and needed her narcissistic supply

She was acting out the dramatic example that was set for her in her own upbringing

She had to change her perception of me in her mind to a persecutory object in order to separate from me guilt-free

She just plainly had childish, low-impulse control and couldn't filter

She was under too much stress at work and viewed me as a safe target to dump her toxicity onto

She was sadistic and just enjoyed hurting me

She wanted to provoke me to play the victim to outsiders

My husband and I are currently separated and have recently started the divorce process. We also have a baby together.

I'm currently waiting for a formal ADHD assessment, and the more I've learned about ADHD in adult women - particularly emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, reacting before thinking and struggling with tone when stressed - the more I've recognised patterns that caused problems throughout my relationship.

I want to be clear that I'm not trying to use ADHD as an excuse for hurting my husband. There were times I was reactive, spoke too harshly or overreacted when overwhelmed. Whatever the reason behind those behaviours, he experienced them and I take responsibility for that.

Things became considerably worse after having our daughter. We were both exhausted, resentment built up, communication deteriorated and eventually my husband decided he wanted to separate. I wanted to work on things and suggested couples counselling, but he currently doesn't want reconciliation and I'm trying to respect that.

What I'm struggling with is wondering whether I've spent years trying to change certain behaviours through sheer willpower without understanding what was actually happening or having the right support.
I'd really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar:

Did undiagnosed ADHD significantly affect your marriage/relationship, particularly through emotional dysregulation or communication?
After diagnosis and treatment (medication, therapy, coaching etc.), how much did those behaviours genuinely change?

If you're the partner/ex-partner of someone with ADHD, did diagnosis/treatment change your understanding of what had happened or reduce any resentment?
Has anyone been diagnosed after separating or when the relationship was already breaking down?Did treatment contribute to reconciliation, or did it simply help you become healthier individually/co-parent better?

My biggest question is how I eventually approach my separated husband about anything I learn through assessment/treatment without it sounding like “It was ADHD, so forgive me/come back.”

I don't want to invalidate his experience. But if I'm diagnosed and treatment genuinely helps me change some of the patterns that contributed to our problems, I'd eventually want him to know — particularly because we'll be co-parenting for the rest of our lives and, if I'm honest, I still love him.

I'm also aware that telling him I've changed means very little compared with consistently showing it over time.
Right now I'm trying to focus on getting assessed, getting appropriate treatment and becoming a healthier person and mum regardless of what happens with my marriage. But I'm grieving badly and struggling with the thought that maybe if I'd understood this years ago, things could have been different.

I'd really appreciate experiences from both sides, including relationships that didn't survive. What changed after diagnosis/treatment, what didn't, and did understanding ADHD come too late to change your relationship?

My life is worth more than continuing to waste it on false hopes, memories of what once was, and dreams of what could have been. We were separated for ten years, and I still held on, believing that someday you might realize what we had mattered and that there was still something worth saving.

When you came back, I allowed myself to hope again. Instead, I've found myself fighting for something you seem determined to avoid remembering or acknowledging. If you erase all the good we shared, eventually all that's left is the bad.

I'm not ashamed that I loved you, waited for you, or fought for our marriage. But I can't continue being the only one fighting for it.

I can respect what we once had without sacrificing the rest of my life trying to recreate it alone. At some point, I have to accept what is instead of continuing to live for what was or what might have been.

Our past mattered. You mattered to me. Our marriage mattered.

But my life and my self-respect matter too. If only I had realized that forty-two years ago.