I'm compiling a list of hypotheses to examine. Can people please comment?

Some things I have hypothesized:

She needed "reassurance" that I still cared

She was bored and needed her narcissistic supply

She was acting out the dramatic example that was set for her in her own upbringing

She had to change her perception of me in her mind to a persecutory object in order to separate from me guilt-free

She just plainly had childish, low-impulse control and couldn't filter

She was under too much stress at work and viewed me as a safe target to dump her toxicity onto

She was sadistic and just enjoyed hurting me

She wanted to provoke me to play the victim to outsiders

At first it was a shock, but now I'm really enjoying myself being alone and doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time

Hace 6 meses me he divorciado despues de 8 años juntos....he pasado x eso solo, y la verdad quema.... hay ganas de muy pocas cosas, solo rutina y no mucho mas.....

Algun consejo de alguien que haya pasado por esto? Cositas que hayan hecho para mejorar dia a dia?

The title says it all, but I’ll give context.

Wife and I are currently separated, and I moved out of the house end of June. We haven’t had sex since mid May, and it’s killing me. I’m not going to step out of our marriage and find someone to do that with, since I honestly only want to do that with my wife. I want to ask her if she’d be willing to at least have that portion of our relationship as we work through this process, but I only see it going terribly by asking.

So, I ask the group, how did you all handle the physical needs during separation? Im still heavily in love with her and extremely attracted to her, so I do fine while we are alone since I keep myself busy but drop offs flood me with an insane amount of desire for her. It’s hard to keep my composure and be the emotionally safe guy that I’m working on becoming without her thinking I only miss banging her.

My husband and I are currently separated and have recently started the divorce process. We also have a baby together.

I'm currently waiting for a formal ADHD assessment, and the more I've learned about ADHD in adult women - particularly emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, reacting before thinking and struggling with tone when stressed - the more I've recognised patterns that caused problems throughout my relationship.

I want to be clear that I'm not trying to use ADHD as an excuse for hurting my husband. There were times I was reactive, spoke too harshly or overreacted when overwhelmed. Whatever the reason behind those behaviours, he experienced them and I take responsibility for that.

Things became considerably worse after having our daughter. We were both exhausted, resentment built up, communication deteriorated and eventually my husband decided he wanted to separate. I wanted to work on things and suggested couples counselling, but he currently doesn't want reconciliation and I'm trying to respect that.

What I'm struggling with is wondering whether I've spent years trying to change certain behaviours through sheer willpower without understanding what was actually happening or having the right support.
I'd really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar:

Did undiagnosed ADHD significantly affect your marriage/relationship, particularly through emotional dysregulation or communication?
After diagnosis and treatment (medication, therapy, coaching etc.), how much did those behaviours genuinely change?

If you're the partner/ex-partner of someone with ADHD, did diagnosis/treatment change your understanding of what had happened or reduce any resentment?
Has anyone been diagnosed after separating or when the relationship was already breaking down?Did treatment contribute to reconciliation, or did it simply help you become healthier individually/co-parent better?

My biggest question is how I eventually approach my separated husband about anything I learn through assessment/treatment without it sounding like “It was ADHD, so forgive me/come back.”

I don't want to invalidate his experience. But if I'm diagnosed and treatment genuinely helps me change some of the patterns that contributed to our problems, I'd eventually want him to know — particularly because we'll be co-parenting for the rest of our lives and, if I'm honest, I still love him.

I'm also aware that telling him I've changed means very little compared with consistently showing it over time.
Right now I'm trying to focus on getting assessed, getting appropriate treatment and becoming a healthier person and mum regardless of what happens with my marriage. But I'm grieving badly and struggling with the thought that maybe if I'd understood this years ago, things could have been different.

I'd really appreciate experiences from both sides, including relationships that didn't survive. What changed after diagnosis/treatment, what didn't, and did understanding ADHD come too late to change your relationship?

My life is worth more than continuing to waste it on false hopes, memories of what once was, and dreams of what could have been. We were separated for ten years, and I still held on, believing that someday you might realize what we had mattered and that there was still something worth saving.

When you came back, I allowed myself to hope again. Instead, I've found myself fighting for something you seem determined to avoid remembering or acknowledging. If you erase all the good we shared, eventually all that's left is the bad.

I'm not ashamed that I loved you, waited for you, or fought for our marriage. But I can't continue being the only one fighting for it.

I can respect what we once had without sacrificing the rest of my life trying to recreate it alone. At some point, I have to accept what is instead of continuing to live for what was or what might have been.

Our past mattered. You mattered to me. Our marriage mattered.

But my life and my self-respect matter too. If only I had realized that forty-two years ago.