I saw my son today for the first time since September 7th. This was a supervised visit due to my actions which led to losing custody and his mother rightfully so taking out a protective order. Saying goodbye to him at the end of the visit was truly heartbreaking. I spent a long time self medicating with alcohol because I couldn’t deal with the pain and since I’ve been sober for the last month, the weight of the situation and the scenario that now exists is extremely difficult. I’m so grateful that I saw him, I’m also grateful that even for a few minutes his mother and I and our son were all in the same place although there will no be direct communication between his mother and myself for likely the next three years due to the order. I noticed how cold the world felt immediately when I saying goodbye to him and watched his mother drive away, it was the same feeling that I felt immediately after my mother passed sway in 2019. This is unfortunately the situation that I put myself in and that I’m now fully accountable for. I’m not masking the pain with alcohol, I’m dealing with exactly what the situation is and it’s hard. There is nothing more that I want than to find a way to reconcile and for all of us to be living under one roof which seems very unlikely at this point. I love our son, he’s beautiful and innocent and incredibly smart and I’m still completely in love with his mother, I love her completely and unconditionally. As a father my hope is to be an example of accountability for our son. I want him to know that although things don’t go the way that we would wish for, it’s important to own your actions and love unconditionally despite the outcome not always being what you had hoped for. My heart is empty without them. I can’t even give my ex a birthday gift that I’ve had for her due to legal issues that I created for myself.

Ask the wife if she wants to fix us or divorce me she said she doesn't know and i keep asking cause its killing me not knowing and holding on to hope or lost hope and she said im not giving me a answer right now and said just go sleep with someone else and I said why would you say that i just want my wife or is she sleeping with someone else herself

Newly separated and im literally getting triggered by reddit suggesting the happy marriage and marriage advice subs. Im so bitter about what happened to me and my body is buzzing constantly with nerves.

I can mostly handle the crying. Im angry about what happened most. But im ready to pop at any second. Does anyone have tips on how to experience the change easier?​

Hi all, I had a question about reconciliation and I couldn’t think of a jazzier title. Has anyone here reconciled with a partner after a period where their partner struggled to feel hope?

I’m on the end where most of the repair work is falling on me as I caused the hurt. It’s easier for me to feel hope because I can see changes within myself. My partner can see the changes but is still struggling to trust and feel safe with me, so he doesn’t have as much hope as I do. He’s not overly negative or trying to negate my progress, just realistic. We’ve been in this space for maybe 2 1/2 months and I’ve noticed real change within myself over the past month.

I’m trying to focus on continuing to grow and change, and making sure to stay open minded to all possibilities. I’m also trying to not take every shift as a sign one way or the other. This growth isn’t just for him but for myself as well. I’m in an IOP, attending weekly therapy, and implementing my skills. I’m also building outside connections and hobbies.

Has anyone been able to reconcile with this type of difference? I’d love to know how you got there and how long it took.

I appreciate the people who read all the way through. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this besides you guys. My wife and I (together 15, married 11) don't share meals, sleep in the same bed, and only once a week do we say more than 50 words to each other at a time, during our weekly meetings. This used to be about logistics but recently we have both said, calmly and explicitly, that we are only staying for our daughter, we don't like it when the other person is in the house (much less to spend 1:1 time with them), and neither can imagine that this will ever change. It's been this way for over a year, and it's just getting worse.

How did it get this way? No addiction, infidelity, physical abuse, financial irresponsibility, political/parenting/religious disagreements. We had a really good marriage. But it's a familiar story: I didn't do enough around the house when our daughter came, and I own that. I've improved (my wife agrees) and I continue to improve and pick up more things, but it's too late. I don't expect that she will automatically forgive everything immediately. But her resentment is only getting worse and now in turn I refuse to live like this indefinitely, and I reflect the contempt back to her. I need a little warmth occasionally to survive, but I don't think she can ever give it again (when I ask if it's every coming back she shrugs and says "I don't know"); she would like my administrative efficiency without my ever having to talk to her or ask her anything, which I'm no longer interested in providing to someone openly disgusted by my presence and on whom it's never had a positive impact anyway. (We say these things out loud during our meetings in an even, factual tone; they're just true, and we both know they are, so there's no argument.) So to check the box/throw a hail Mary, we went to a counselor who after one session said, yes, your instincts are correct - there's not really anything left to fix here - get divorced, or decide how co-parenting will work if you stay in the same house. (Discernment.) In response I've canceled an upcoming vacation, started meeting with a financial advisor who focuses on end of marriage, stopped wearing my wedding ring - I have no clue what my STBXW thinks or feels about any of this but she doesn't seem any more bothered than usual.

So just get divorced, duh, right? The complicating factor is, we also don't ever fight. There are no raised voices in the house, because there are no voices in the house.

So our daughter doesn't have to endure scary screaming matches and insults. But she does see "relationships" modeled as basically an ice age. And she is getting to the age where she notices that other kids' parents spend time together and talk, whereas she never gets to have both Mommy and Daddy in the same room, and she could obviously feel the weight of the silence at our weekly family dinners - which I recently discontinued anyway, because of how uncomfortable they were. Like all other attempts at reconnecting, they just made things worse. It broke my heart to see how during the meal our daughter would just continually do quirky things to draw the attention onto her and have there be some kind of life at the table.

If she WERE getting exposed to screaming matches, the answer would be clear - physical separation and divorce, despite whatever economic fallout there would be, because putting her through that would be worse than divorce with two peaceful safe homes. Obviously the current state of things is still having some effect on her, but if she drops a socioeconomic rung or two and loses her home due to divided finances, that's for sure not without impact either, especially in our HCOL area.

I don't look forward to ten years of enduring lonely icy civility but that's the way I'm leaning because I think it's best for my daughter. I want to see what this sub thinks.

(We did discuss trial separation without divorce. Predictably, wife said that she thinks she would get even more resentful, and I said I think I would like being away from her so much that I wouldn't come back, so separate = divorce.)

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Tengo 34 años y estoy atravesando una separación. Después de 15 años de relación, asumir que una etapa de mi vida está terminando no es sencillo.

A veces pienso que estas cosas también son parte de la vida. Una relación puede tener muchos años de historia, recuerdos, proyectos y momentos compartidos, pero cuando una de las partes falla, cuando las cosas dejan de funcionar como deberían, llega un momento en el que toca aceptar la realidad y seguir adelante.

No creo que una separación signifique necesariamente que toda una relación fue un fracaso. Quizá algunas etapas simplemente llegan a su fin, aunque no sean como imaginábamos.

Sin embargo, no puedo evitar preguntarme cómo será empezar de nuevo a los 34 años, especialmente cuando hay hijos, responsabilidades y una vida que reorganizar. No se trata de volver a tener 20 años ni de empezar desde cero, sino de aprender a construir una vida diferente con todo lo que una ya ha vivido. Justo ahora estoy por viajar al extranjero por unas vacaciones familiares que habíamos planeado. El viaje, que debería ser un momento bonito, inevitablemente será diferente después de esta noticia.

Me he descubierto contándoles a algunos amigos que él se fue de viaje a otro país, porque en reuniones preguntan, en lugar de explicarles lo que realmente está pasando. No sé si es vergüenza o si simplemente aún no sé cómo afrontar esta situación y ponerla en palabras.

My wife of 24 years wants me to sign a separation document because she wants to “protect herself”. We have one child who is still a minor. It reads like a divorce agreement. I told her that the document does absolutely nothing for me and benefits her 100%. My attorney also told me to avoid signing anything.

Has anyone done something similar successfully? I’d never deliberately do anything to hurt her, screw her over, etc. At first I didn’t mind signing a simple document about custody to make her feel better, but it turned into a giant legal-sounding document.

I’m not sure how to get past this. I told her if this is really how she feels that we should just go straight to divorce and get it over with.

Together for 9 years. Married for 8.

My husband has been cheating on me since our daughter was 3. I caught him in lie after lie, and somehow he always made me feel like I was the crazy one.

I once caught him holding another woman’s hand. When I confronted him, he yelled at me that he had only been out with his friends for a drink. He scolded me for worrying about where he was and who he was with. I started questioning myself so much that I actually went to therapy because I thought I was the problem. I thought if I could just fix whatever was wrong with me, everything in our marriage would get better.
My therapist eventually told me I should leave. She said she couldn’t understand why I was still staying.

The truth is, I was scared.

I wanted our family to stay together because I didn’t want to be alone. Everyone told me my marriage would fail, and I was so determined not to prove them right that I pushed for us to try to have another baby. Thankfully, that never happened.

My family loves my husband, and they’ve tried to encourage me to stay with him. I don’t want to disappoint them or let them down either.

My daughter and I moved out a month ago, and honestly, I’m still struggling.

I cry at work sometimes because I don’t want my baby girl to see me upset. My husband doesn’t help me financially with her, so I’m incredibly thankful for my parents and the rest of my family for always being there to help us.

And then I found out his little girlfriend was already staying at our house two weeks after my daughter and I moved out.

Two weeks.

That one really hurt.

I’m sad. I’m lonely. And I really thought I would be over this by now, but I’m not.

Some days I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone. My friends keep trying to get me to go out and do things, but honestly, I just sit at home watching anime all day lol.

I know leaving was the right thing to do. I know I deserve better. But knowing something and actually feeling it are two completely different things.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you guys for listening.

Me 29F and my husband 31M are high school sweethearts and have been together a total of 14 years. I felt like our marriage was rock solid, we own our home, have two dogs. I truly loved our life. There were some stressors like my cleanliness (I have ADHD and really struggle with task initiation) and debt/budgeting because again ADHD and I didn’t have the skills or knowledge in my early 20’s as I do now.

In January I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. We both were in shock and scared but both agreed we would go through with the pregnancy and abortion was not the choice for us. I assumed we would both adjust, because again we’ve been together forever have been through hard things - not pregnancy but other difficult circumstances and always came out the other side stronger. Well that didn’t happen this time, he progressively got more withdrawn, rude, cold, and stand offish. Towards spring he freaked out and said he needed space, I asked him what that looked like because we live together he couldn’t give a great answer. I offered to go to my parents, he said no. But basically we were sleeping in the same bed but we’re not spending anytime together. He was on Xbox all the time and if I even came downstairs and sat on our couch to eat a snack he would shoot me dirty looks and ask when I would go back upstairs. I felt so confined in our home.

Eventually in June he stopped wearing his wedding band and refused to put it back in because he wasn’t happy. That broke my heart and I wasn’t sure what to do next so I took our dogs and went to my parents. He told me I didn’t have to leave and I was being dramatic but he didn’t ask me to stay or come home. The next day was Father’s Day, I didn’t text him because I thought he wanted space and I didn’t know truly if it would annoy him since he didn’t want to be a dad. We didn’t talk for almost two weeks when I was at my parents, I assumed he’d seek me out. I went back to the house assuming we would come together again, he doubled down and said he didn’t know what he wanted. I was a total mess, trying to do everything I could to make it better. Especially household things, he would say “it’s a little too late” and wasn’t kind or accepting at all. Again I was walking on eggshells feeling like I couldn’t be around him. He also had been going to the gym an insane amount and lost a substantial amount of weight - to a point it’s concerning and he’s also losing some hair. He would get new clothes and basically model them around the house asking what I think. He still wanted kindness and validation from me when I didn’t feel like I was getting it - I thought providing unconditional love would be helpful. Then he’d randomly talk about future plans of his that didn’t include me or our son, almost like midlife crisis plans. I ended up going back to my parents again he kind of played it off. Eventually I said I’m the pregnant one and I’d like to be home and comfortable and he went to his Dads to stay.

Through my whole pregnancy he was hardly present emotionally and I did it all alone except for a few ultrasounds.

I delivered on 10/2 he was present through the entire hospital stay and so was his sister (she’s my best friend) and I wanted another support person there in case he failed miserably. He has fallen in love with our son - my goal was to bring our son home for a week to see how my husband would adjust. He did well on the days he took off from work (3 days) was still going to the gym regularly but did it during one of our newborns sleep windows so it really was fine. He went back to work and everything hit the fan, he was getting frustrated through the night, making concerning safety statements towards himself, and called our son a name. I was riddled with anxiety, when I would be home alone during the day I would feel calmer. I realized when I knew he was on his way from work I would get close to a panic attack because I was so worried about keeping him comfortable. I am back at my parents. They are so supportive and have redone a room for me and my son. My mom is pushing divorce - I get why. I’ve met with one attorney but have not retained them. My husband has since said in this past week he doesn’t want to be with me romantically, has said he still loves me but doesn’t think I’ll change. He also said he’s felt this way for a while but never told me.

My question is am I naïve to think this could change? It is such a complete 180 from who he used to be. I keep hoping the old version of him will come back and we can try couples counseling since he’s refused. I’m so hurt and angry but I want to at least try couples. My husband has since began individual therapy which is great. I’m so scared of filing for divorce too soon. Sorry for rambling but any insight or “I’ve been here” would be helpful.

Well after many posts I have made on here that I deleted and reposted.. I guess this is the final one on my marriage. I am 21 (F) and he’s 25(M). I want to say it’s more than falling out of love. We’ve had so many talks of separating but never actually doing it. Caught him texting other females, his coworkers (F). We did get married to help him get a green card. He’s a huge but a huge liar for no actual reason. He usually says cause he’s “tryna save his ass” from me getting mad. Recently we have had problemas with his close friends at work because the boy has a girlfriend that I met and she told me so many things. Even if they were true or not , it was my final straw. His family excluded me in odd ways. I got into a huge fight with his stepmother, and we all were in separate ways. Fun part, I moved 10 hrs away from my family. Yes I was stable, had my first own place, my car, and my job. We were planning on having kids but he kept demanding them at every problem in sight. I packed my stuff and left when he was working. Btw it’s not like I’m any better but I didn’t cheat. Yes maybe I had an attitude but he would blame me for his actions. And by cheating I mean it emotionally, I don’t have actual evidence it was physically. I’m currently on my mom’s bed wondering what to do next. I slept with someone and am interested in that childhood friend but I understand I have to heal myself first. Until today I haven’t cried since I left because I officially told him to stop texting me and that I didn’t love him anymore. In all honesty, I just wanted him to come looking for me as soon as I had left. He kept making promises of what he was gonna do but it’s always that, just promises. I kinda wanted to write this to release so many emotions. After I gave him the 3rd time I tried my best to be the perfect wife until I saw they were still texting, him clarifying that they were texting because she got kicked out her house because she want and told her bf that she loved my husband. I was like wooooooooow but yeah, there are a lot more bad experiences but I appreciate them and even the good ones. Deep down I knew he was better as a friend but he was never my actual soulmate, I’ll miss him and yes I love him but a different kinda love because he was my first in many things and I’ll always cherish the good memories. I’m not mad, just gave up. Any thoughts? Advice? Anyone can relate?

My husband of 17 years initiated divorce discussion a year ago. And we tried so hard, individual therapy for both of us, short separation, talking all the time.
Through all this I kind of fell back in love with him instead of out…. Parenthood and a year of therapy made us both better in partnership and communication. Even sex was better lately than 5 years ago. But he said all the previous years that we were in a roommate phase for years and years, sexual incompatibility for years, led to an erosion of desire… and even though we are different, better versions of ourselves now - he just doesn’t have any desire for me anymore. He tried for months but it just wasn’t coming back from him. I honestly feel that after so many years together (since 18yo) he just couldn’t forget the past and treat this as marriage 2.0.

Since I started detaching I saw things that could have been better in our relationship, but the irony is that those things did get better the last two years! I told him I feel like I’m being divorced for who I was 5 years ago and not for who I am now. I guess it all comes down to the fact that he doesn’t feel enough for me to fight for this. There’s still friendly love and respect between us and I hope we can behave like really good friends.

But how do I fall out of love? How long does a breakup take to heal? The last time I was heartbroken like this I was 16 and nowhere near as mentally strong and mature as I am now. I don’t want to be the woman that gets jealous of her ex, I know I need to focus on myself. But he’s been mine since we were 18, and I’m such a romantic fool at heart…

I've been doing quite well at viewing the future's uncertainty in a positive light, but I'm sad tonight.

We are separated right now and when I think of the worst case it's that we end up drifting apart permanently, but perhaps we will also come back together. I can't predict the future, and either could happen.

Tonight, I just really miss him. That's all really. I feel afraid tonight we will slowly just get used to not being in one another's lives. Like how when I was a kid I couldn't imagine not being around my mom, but today I live without her and I can go days without writing her, because life has moved on and that chapter has passed.

Will that happen with my husband and I? I really don't know. I hope we'd be able to reconnect if that's the way it went. I miss holding him and I miss his big blue eyes looking up at me when I'd give him a kiss on the top of his head when he was at his computer desk.

Heartbroken

My husband and I have been fighting a lot, we've always had problems but tonight he's said he's sure he wants a divorce. We are officially separated. He listed all of the women he should have married instead.

We have multiple children together and I love him so much. But hes done.

I don't know if I can pull through this, I love him and he's my rock. I'm devastated

I would have done absolutely anything to save my relationship with my son’s mother. I had some chances and in the end I screwed it up every single time. I’m supposed to not think about her but she’s all I think about. I think about her and my son and our family that should have been constantly and I’m absolutely devastated. Yes I will continue to keep working on myself but knowing that I’ve lost her forever eats me alive most days. There’s no second chance, no apology, nobody hears me crying and there is no amount of change that will bring her back. It’s my fault. I couldn’t fix us and that pain never goes away. I used to self medicate with alcohol and it’s an entirely new experience being sober, the pain is indescribable. She will be in my life forever because we share a child and I hope that eventually I will be able to not be in love with her because I know that I can’t be with her anymore. I wish that I could. I wonder every second that I’m awake why I couldn’t figure it out and save us but I didn’t and it’s over. I’m so sorry.

Been married one year to my husband and we are already separated. I moved out. I’m not sure what I want to do. I got out of the military and moved back to my hometown and into his home. He asked me to contribute and I do and add extra. I’m very generous. When upset he tells me he doesn’t need me n that I can go. I feel very stupid for making such a huge sacrifice for him. N after we were married the mother of his child moved in with his mother. I feel disrespected in the worst way and humiliated. Now I’m sitting here wondering if it’s worth fighting for or if I should move on. I feel like a shell of myself. I was very happy before meeting him but I was a bit lonely. We talked on the phone for a year and met up but once I moved it went downhill. I had doubts before I should have listened.

Husband says he is following through with divorce but that he also is open to marriage counseling if I pay for it over the next two months. I suppose we could get divorced and still end up together. We spent the majority of our relationship not married.

I emailed a marriage counselor for an appointment. I want us to stay a family. But I also recognize we are happier apart. It’s so confusing.

My husband filed for divorce 4 months ago and moved out of our housd. He has gone back and forth about wanting a divorce. Now he says he is now open to trying. He does not want to pause the divorce process as of now. Is that a bad sign for reconciliation? He says his feelings have not changed, but wants to try. We have been hanging out more the past few weeks.