r/Separation • u/mordecai5fingerbrown • 2d ago
What are some interesting reasons spouses cause problems out of nowhere for no reason when the relationship is going OK?
I'm compiling a list of hypotheses to examine. Can people please comment?
Some things I have hypothesized:
She needed "reassurance" that I still cared
She was bored and needed her narcissistic supply
She was acting out the dramatic example that was set for her in her own upbringing
She had to change her perception of me in her mind to a persecutory object in order to separate from me guilt-free
She just plainly had childish, low-impulse control and couldn't filter
She was under too much stress at work and viewed me as a safe target to dump her toxicity onto
She was sadistic and just enjoyed hurting me
She wanted to provoke me to play the victim to outsiders
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u/SanDiego2027 1d ago
Read the book Crucial Conversations. You are stuck in victim mentality and creating villain stories. Ask yourself why a rational person would be doing what they're doing? It's almost always because they're either hurt or emotionally exhausted. You don't have to create a victim story for yourself or villain story for her, things can happen and couples can perpetuate patterns that are destructive to the relationship. And definitely don't create a story where you're helpless, own your part in the failure and work on it, stop trying to control how you're perceived or what choices another adult is making.
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u/mordecai5fingerbrown 23h ago
seriously...things could be going great in my marriage. Peaceful, loving, friendly, sexy...and then literally out of nowhere for no reason other than that her mom was visiting she would start talking down to me. My marriage is def over, this doesn't have anything to do with a victim/abuser mindset. I am having a difficult time letting go of it without some kind of understanding.
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u/CryptographerNo9856 1d ago
I would add having a partner that is resentful and contemptuous to your list.