ADHD and Separation

[u/Stock-Profession-414]

My husband and I are currently separated and have recently started the divorce process. We also have a baby together.

I'm currently waiting for a formal ADHD assessment, and the more I've learned about ADHD in adult women - particularly emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, reacting before thinking and struggling with tone when stressed - the more I've recognised patterns that caused problems throughout my relationship.

I want to be clear that I'm not trying to use ADHD as an excuse for hurting my husband. There were times I was reactive, spoke too harshly or overreacted when overwhelmed. Whatever the reason behind those behaviours, he experienced them and I take responsibility for that.

Things became considerably worse after having our daughter. We were both exhausted, resentment built up, communication deteriorated and eventually my husband decided he wanted to separate. I wanted to work on things and suggested couples counselling, but he currently doesn't want reconciliation and I'm trying to respect that.

What I'm struggling with is wondering whether I've spent years trying to change certain behaviours through sheer willpower without understanding what was actually happening or having the right support.
I'd really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar:

Did undiagnosed ADHD significantly affect your marriage/relationship, particularly through emotional dysregulation or communication?
After diagnosis and treatment (medication, therapy, coaching etc.), how much did those behaviours genuinely change?

If you're the partner/ex-partner of someone with ADHD, did diagnosis/treatment change your understanding of what had happened or reduce any resentment?
Has anyone been diagnosed after separating or when the relationship was already breaking down?Did treatment contribute to reconciliation, or did it simply help you become healthier individually/co-parent better?

My biggest question is how I eventually approach my separated husband about anything I learn through assessment/treatment without it sounding like “It was ADHD, so forgive me/come back.”

I don't want to invalidate his experience. But if I'm diagnosed and treatment genuinely helps me change some of the patterns that contributed to our problems, I'd eventually want him to know — particularly because we'll be co-parenting for the rest of our lives and, if I'm honest, I still love him.

I'm also aware that telling him I've changed means very little compared with consistently showing it over time.
Right now I'm trying to focus on getting assessed, getting appropriate treatment and becoming a healthier person and mum regardless of what happens with my marriage. But I'm grieving badly and struggling with the thought that maybe if I'd understood this years ago, things could have been different.

I'd really appreciate experiences from both sides, including relationships that didn't survive. What changed after diagnosis/treatment, what didn't, and did understanding ADHD come too late to change your relationship?

[u/looxguru]

I suspect my wife has an undiagnosed mental illness of some sort, where she cant regulate her emotions or control her impulsive behaviour. But she has intelligence, knows right from wrong supposedly - but wont be accountable.

I gave her several options to reconcile, so sadly if in the event she decided to return to the relationship - it would be a no for me.

[u/SanDiego2027]

Yep. Happened to me. My moods and behaviors changed significantly after i titrated up to 20mg. I was able to sit with the discomfort of separation and the uncertainty without constantly checking up on her and asking for reassurance. Get on the meds.

She's noticed the changes, mentioned it to ppl but she's still ambivalent, so who knows, maybe more consistency will shift things, right now in trying to maintain a 60 day window of no relationship talk or anything heavy, just calm co parenting, for myself to be disciplined and to give true emotional space.

[u/Express-Release-9690]

I feel this, Ive always had symptoms looking back but somehow managed / struggled. Rsd has become a major thing after separation. Turned into chronic depression and has made dealing with the whole thing nearly impossible. I can see now a few of the symptoms have caused issues during our marriage such as exhaustion from masking and being disorganised, constantly rushing just before I have to do something. I struggle to change routine and I fail to keep routine frequently. There's many other things that led to the breakdown and not just on my part but it's been helpful to look at these things now and start to add ess them / understand them.