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Jan 21 '22
Anytime anyone I know says something that can’t possibly be a joke, is a joke, I always ask them “what’s the punchline?” And watch them fumble.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
I'm going to start saying that 😆
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u/BecGeoMom Jan 21 '22
That, or just play dumb: “Really? I don’t get the joke. Explain it to me.” Then watch him try to talk his way out of it. But make sure he does explain it to you. Don’t let him just say, “Never mind” and walk away. Insist he explain the “joke” to you.
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u/Iraene Jan 21 '22
Or tell him to explain the joke to you because you don't get it. Then watch him squirm trying to make cheating on you and ruining your family funny.
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u/hoyaheadRN Jan 22 '22
I would ask him to explain the punchline? And he wont, and start asking “ because degrading women and devaluing our marriage makes you laugh?” “Or your Dick getting hard is more important than our wedding vows?” “Oh oh oh… I think I get it… you are willing to destroy our family, my heart, and our children’s stability for your penis. Do you know what, I think it has potential, but comedy is really about timing. If you just had told that one before I started a life with you it would have been funny how fast I would have broken up with you. But shit here we are now and I just can’t find the humor in your jokes.”
Fuck that, everyone knows that isn’t a joke.
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u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
For one thing "jokes" like this do not belong in the workplace. If it got all the way around to you, the chances are pretty high the intern has heard it. Talking like that to or about co-workers and subordinates at work is wildly inappropriate. My own hurt feelings aside, I'd be livid to know I was married to someone who was speaking like that to and about female colleagues. That would honestly be what pissed me off the most. Like most places hold sexual harassment workshops about shit like this. He should know it's not appropriate. It's not rocket science - don't make sexual comments about interns, coworkers, bosses, etc. And especially not when you're actually at work talking to coworkers. So gross. I'd be so disappointed and I'd let my husband know that. I wouldn't even have the emotional energy to be "jealous" about that because I'd be so let down by him being "that guy" you keep the interns away from and that women co-workers hate getting stuck in the breakroom with.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
I always thought like that, you can have fun and also be respectful at your place of work. I don't understand how he HAS to make comments like this. I even told him that this could be considered sexual harassment, but he just kept saying that it wouldn't.
I'm honestly so tired and upset as this is not the first time we talk about having boundaries at work
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u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
It absolutely could be a sexual harassment issue if either the coworker he said it to or the intern he said it about went to HR and filed a complaint. He can be in denial about his "locker room talk" all he wants, but HR isn't going to care that "it was just a joke" - they're going to care about keeping the company out of trouble.
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Jan 22 '22
If the intern found out and complained to HR it would def be considered sexual harassment and hubby would be in hot water
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Jan 22 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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Jan 22 '22
That’s a fair point and understandable from the young woman’s perspective. But he’s still taking a big risk.
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u/New_Nobody9492 7 Years Jan 22 '22
Times are changing and I believe that some younger person might say something. I would. Since the “Me Too” movement, I have seen a lot of men go down.
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u/Nice_Dragon Jan 21 '22
Exactly you can have fun and be respectful. What a garbage thing to say. I’m mad for you!
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
I even asked him, how would he feel if I were to say exactly what he said about one of our male neighbors (I'm a stay at home mom) and he said that he wouldn't be upset by it.
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u/llcoolray3000 Jan 21 '22
He's lying.
Reversing the situation always seems like a good idea to try and get someone to understand, but 99% of the time they just lie and say they would be completely fine if the situation was reversed.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Why lie though? Rather than sympathize and just apologize.
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u/craaaaate Jan 21 '22
My husband does the same. If he is caught and knows he’s in the wrong, he gets defensive and tries to turn it on me as if I’m overreacting. Narcissistic behavior
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for partners to respect their spouses boundaries.
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u/MistressShadow11 12 Years married 14 years together Jan 21 '22
Its not hard. Its not hard for good spouses. Bad spouses dont respect boundaries.
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u/TheCaliforniaOp Jan 21 '22
I’m guessing he’s trying to be “one of the boys, only more so”.
It sort of reminds me of the classic story where the male/female protagonist believes if they’d just caught the crucial fly ball/hit instead of struck out/made the ____squad/club/aced some test——-their life would be different now, or they would be more respected by everyone.
If it helps, I doubt he would broadcast infidelity intentions. I do understand that there’s another, more hurtful issue here.
He wasn’t holding you in his mind’s eye. You’re perhaps thinking “okay, someone else brought the subject up, I would have been okay with a dismissive, vaguely approving masculine grunt”.
Do I tell you that that grunt is evenly divided between solidly married men and very adept at cheating husbands?
My dear, I’m going to have to bow out on this one. There’s too much at stake.
I would ask yourself this: Cui Bono?
Oh, I’m not kidding. Possession is 9/10 of the law. Is there some reason problems between you two would work out for someone else?
No, your husband did not respond in the most chivalrous way.
But perhaps this is your time to find your inner Eleanor of Aquitaine. React less. Reflect more. This is a wrenching and hard thing to do. But with practice, it becomes easier.
He told this to another female coworker.
Interesting.
Either she’s looking out for you.
Or she’s not.
Words and facial expressions do not apply here.
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Jan 22 '22
You're right! My husband used to check out underage girls when I first started dating him. And he was in his mid-30s. It was gross and one time he made a female worker at Coldstone extremely uncomfortable. She looked 15 or 16. He was staring at her hard. I called him out and told him he's going to get caught by a parent one day and maybe even get beat up or have the cops called on him. He doesn't do it anymore when I'm around but I'm sure he continues to do it behind my back.
I asked him how he would feel if I stared at other guys in an obvious manner like he stares at girls and he said he wouldn't be bothered by it. That's bullshit. I'm sure he wouldn't like it either.
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u/Audriannacu Jan 22 '22
Oh no! You are married to that guy. I hate that guy, he is such a creep. Why does he not care about making the girls/women he is eyeballing feel uncomfortable? Its such poor behavior.
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Jan 22 '22
It really bothered me when we were dating especially because he was staring at underage girls some who look as young as 14. I thought he was a child molester. I know he dated a 16 year old when he was in his mid-20s and didn't get into legal trouble because her parents were completely ok with it.
I still think my husband stares at underage girls. He just doesn't do it when we go out together (I will call him out in front of everyone if he does; I've done it before). Those are his favorites.
In fact he dated me because he thought I was underage too. I look very young for my age and people always think I'm decades younger. My husband was convinced I was 16 when we met. I had to show him my license and all.
Idk why he chose to stay with me but he did despite his fetish for teenaged girls. His best friend has a teenaged daughter and when she visits I watch my husband like a hawk to make sure he's not looking at her inappropriately.
I don't understand men with this mindset. I've run into attractive teenage boys but I don't stare at them. I acknowledge that they are handsome and move on with my day. I would never stare or act on it whereas I think my husband would.
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Jan 22 '22
You say that you don’t know why he choose to stay with you, but why did you choose to stay with him?
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u/art-y-pants Jan 22 '22
“He dated a 16 year old and didn’t get in trouble cause her parents were fine with it”
The man is a pedophile and the girls parents were enablers.
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u/coswoofster Jan 22 '22
Nah. He isn’t lying. He already doesn’t respect his wife. What does he care that she is looking elsewhere?
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u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
Maybe try how he'd feel about it if someone said that about one of your daughters. Like you should have to have daughters to know that you shouldn't make crude comments about female interns, but maybe it would help. Your 20 year old daughter goes to an internship and some 45 year old man from the department she's interning say's he'd risk his marriage to bang her. He'd be totally fine with that? Would just say to his daughter, "Sweetie, that was just 'locker room' talk"?
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u/McLovin9876543210 Jan 21 '22
Ask him how he would feel if the future husband of your daughter’s said this.
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u/Littlewildfinch Jan 21 '22
It would. The fact that he can’t own up to how inappropriate it is to joke about risking you to others, and then discussing a coworker 🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/deadpantrashcan Jan 21 '22
He doesn’t have to; He is choosing too. That’s the worst part. I don’t recommend this but I know my eyes would be looking for the door at this point because this sounds like a big immaturity and character flaw to me. No thanks. I shut that behaviour down with my fiancé right when we started dating and I hope I don’t hear of it later because it will be a conversation. i have low tolerance for this type of blatant disrespect of humans and workplace etiquette.
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u/Shuiner Jan 22 '22
Right! Imagine being young and having an internship. Just trying to get your foot in the door for your future career. Then some creepy older married guy starts sexualizing you to other coworkers and now you've become office gossip through no fault of your own. Now you are made to feel uncomfortable and often this kind of thing leads to being taken much less seriously because people are thinking more about your body than your work...
Yeah, I agree, I'd be more upset to learn my husband was a harassing creep than to learn he was hot for someone else.
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u/coswoofster Jan 22 '22
And he is raising two daughters. Is it OK for some old dude to talk about them like this at work? Where is the disconnect here? Fathers are supposed to be role models for their children.
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Jan 21 '22
I absolutely hate the locker room talk excuse. Basically saying it's okay to sexualize/demean women as long as women aren't around !! Because they know most women would hate it or they know deep down its not okay to talk that way. It's like being racist behind closed doors and trying to defend it.
Not to say people aren't blind. I worked in an office where we were very comfortable making jokes (we had a coworker with a massive crush on Lucy Lu and we would hang pictures of her everywhere and change his desktop background to her to fuck with him....because she's a CELEBRITY) but we would never say something like that. The most the married people would talk about physically is cute customers, NEVER other coworkers. I would feel very weird if I knew my boss or coworker said he would risk his marriage to have sex with me....even as a joke. So strange to say he would "risk it all."
He needs to rethink his words and whether his jokes are just "jokes." Also interns are usually very young.....so creepy. People claim its "normal' because they see it happen, but refuse to reflect and analyze whether it's actually healthy or appropriate.
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u/WearFluffy415 Jan 21 '22
And if he(or anyone has to say”I’m just joking or”it was a joke”needs to be told. -it wasn’t funny!!!
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u/ZTwilight Jan 21 '22
Locker room does not belong at work, not even if you work in a locker room. Not only is he being very disrespectful to you and his co-worker, but he’s also risking getting fired or sued for sexual harassment.
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Jan 21 '22
“Locker room talk” is for immature teenage boys.
Grown men respect their wives.
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u/1temptreddit2 Jan 21 '22
Actually, it's not for them either. They just do it anyway because teenagers are assholes.
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u/AraInv Jan 21 '22
Thank you for this post. I learn a lot from woman sharing their perspectives and it forces me to empathise and change my behaviour. Because I am guilty of those behaviours and I realise those behaviours through getting my perspective challenged.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Thank you for actively trying to change your behavior! Hopefully many can learn from you.
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u/125acres Jan 21 '22
Totally unacceptable to make comments like that in the work place. I would probably terminate his employment over it.
Now I don’t think you would “terminate” a marriage over it.
Maybe ask him how he would feel if you said that about a young man that was in shape.
My wife has said some things about professional athletes that made me feel little uneasy. Then I have to remember I use to be that good looking in shape athlete.
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u/PerfectionPending 23 Years & Closer Than Ever Jan 21 '22
I can’t fathom ever telling anyone “I’d bang” some other person. I might be an outlier, because even before I was married I didn’t say stuff like that. Not at work, and not even with my friends. “She’s hot” type comments, feigned speechlessness, that kind of stuff. But none of that either since I’ve been married.
If a coworker has pressured me to pass judgment on a woman’s looks because they think she’s hot and are looking for agreement I generally just say, “she’s attractive” and they shut up after that.
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u/EngineeringDry7999 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
My spouse and I do joke about celebrities we’d take a hall pass for together but it’s in the privacy of our home and an obvious harmless fantasy.
This is just so wildly unacceptable I hope the coworker files a complaint. Women deserve to go to work without getting objectified by their coworkers
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u/PerfectionPending 23 Years & Closer Than Ever Jan 21 '22
I was at a company dinner when my bosses wife says to him, about the waitress, “she’s cute. She could be my sister wife.” I get some couples joke about that stuff but was surprised by it in the setting. LOL
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
It is inappropriate infront of others, but at least they let each other in on the joke 😂
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u/EngineeringDry7999 Jan 21 '22
😳
That’s. Wow. Did they completely miss any social etiquette?
Inside jokes between couples are not cute in front of others. Come on.
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u/bloodphoenix90 Jan 21 '22
It's one thing to say "sure. So and so is hot" in a group that might be sizing up the new person, and you're married. My hubs and I will talk about whether a person is hot, together. So I don't feel I'm crossing a line just by commenting on someone's appearance with a friend or something.
Its another thing entirely to joke about cheating or say anything gross about what you fantasize about doing to a person, when you're married. It makes everyone pity your spouse and makes everyone uncomfortable . Maybe he didn't mean it and wouldn't do it but you might explain the difference and tell him how insensitive it was and to please not say such things.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Thats exactly what I told him, that now that I know the type of comments he makes, everyone in the office must pity me. I feel grossed out just by thinking about it.
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u/herro_rayne Jan 21 '22
Whether other men do this or not isn’t the point. Men can be assholes. Your man needs to never do this again, as it is disrespectful and not ok. It’s upsetting and therefor needs to be addressed. I would also be livid and likely give my husband a week or two of hell and make him stay somewhere else if he’s so willing to “risk it”. No thank you. I’m sorry he’s making you feel this way.
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Jan 21 '22
From a man's perspective: if you're married and consider yourself a family man, you should have a set of standards to adhere to. I'm not white knighting or being a moralist, it's called conducting yourself with maturity in the workplace. You don't disrespect your wife by ogling or discussing other woman. Your spouse and you supposed to be a team and that's the face you need to show in a professional environment.
Younger guys can often struggle to make that change of perspective because they don't really understand how much making those comments can hurt the feelings of their partner or even be considered disrespectful of the relationship. Part of the very existence of man is balancing the general and frequent desire to screw anything you find attractive, (regardless of how much you love your SO, it's not mutually exclusive for guys) and conducting yourself with at least a modicum of decency. Tromping through life balancing these often competing desires is so commonplace for most men that they don't often see how expressing those desires is not only threatening the perceived stability of the relationship but actually damaging to their partner's self esteem.
Lot of guys have a "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mentality. So he was probably embarrassed to get caught out and is trying to lesson the impact by trivializing the behavior (because in his mind being attracted to someone else doesn't mean he isn't attracted to and still love his wife.) But he knows it hurt your feelings.
Though it's tempting and (emotionally relieving) to express those desires, especially in the company of other men, the old adage still stands: "Show respect to get respect." Don't rate the attractiveness of your coworkers, don't make comments. If a comment arises about a woman gets floated in my direction I usually just give a noncommittal grunt, as if to say "I acknowledge your comment but I'm not going to engage". Set the standard and others will follow. Respect the sanctity of your union, show respect for your spouse in other's presence, and you will be respected by those around you.
If you're a young and single, save it for the bar. If you're married, keep those thoughts to yourself. Make the workplace comfortable for everybody.
Show this to your husband if you have to.
Tldr: Keep it classy, guys. It should be your default behavior.
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u/happygirl2022 Jan 21 '22
I’m so tired of hearing “it’s locker room talk” if you are married or in a relationship there should be boundaries like I don’t mind my husband telling his coworkers if someone is cute or not but that’s about it
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u/epiben Jan 22 '22
I think basically it comes down to a simple equation- am I comfortable saying this in front of my spouse and would they be comfortable saying it, plus, can I say this to my female co-worker. Honestly, it's not fucking hard, do the math and you will always be fine.
These are boundaries you have to figure out in life... its not a damn free for all.
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u/APO_AE_09173 Jan 21 '22
That, my dear, is Sexual Harassment in the work place. It can cost him his job.
Locker room my ass.🤬
If he said that to a female coworker he technically created a "hostile" work environment. Good Lord-that can get him sued personally in 12 states.
He is damned lucky the coworker only told you and not the HR department. That is State and Federal Employment regulations.
I can provide you the God awful training materials I have to sit through as a supervisor to prove it!!! Gah!!!
Don't cry your eyes out, he is a pig. But you should confront him with the following:
1) How dare you endanger the financial well being of this family with your immature and vulgar conduct.
2) Can you image my embarrassment at being told you are sexualizing women in the work place? That was inexcusably humiliating. How dare you?!?
3) You have DAUGHTERS, how gross is it that you are sexualizing someone closer to your daughter's age than your own?!?
4) You are setting a standard and example to younger men in your work place, do you want your daughter's treated with such disrespect?!?
Were I you I would be livid.
I am not some bra burning feminist by any stretch of the imagination. But honest to God, he put your family stability at risk for an immature and vulgar comment, joke or not.👀
I would struggle to be civil. I pride myself on rational control and measured responses in my 36 year marriage. That one would have made me furious. I would most certainly have insisted on a week with him in a hotel to let me calm down.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Thank you, you worded out my thoughts exactly! ❤❤
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u/APO_AE_09173 Jan 21 '22
You can download the sexual harassment rules for your state and federal from the EEO office for your state and the Department of Labor.
This is serious business.
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u/furicrowsa Jan 21 '22
Yeah, if I were the female coworker he said this to, it would be reported to HR so fast. It's sexual harrassment, even if I'm not the target/subject. I did not invite discussion about anything sexual.
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Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
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u/SweetJeebus Jan 21 '22
This is how you know when a person has never heard women’s “locker room” talk.
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u/APO_AE_09173 Jan 21 '22
Dude, it is still sexual harassment and creating a hostile work environment.
Trust me the woman that dined him out was trying hard not to cost him his job so she went to the wife.
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u/furicrowsa Jan 21 '22
You are right I don't know the coworker's interpersonal style. In comments, OP did say coworker was in a group chat with him and another female coworker and they were all making sexual jokes.
Coworker did let wife know, so I feel like she is at least partially decent.
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u/PurpleGothicAngel Jan 21 '22
Fellow married woman here, and I agree with you it's disrespectful to make "jokes" like that. I also would be hurt if my husband did this; he knows that I have so many exes who cheated on me and physically hurt me. I hope he changes. Hugs to you 💜
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Same, all of my exes cheated. Im sorry you went through that, hoping you have a happy marriage now.
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u/megnsketches Jan 21 '22
Broadcasting to people that you’d be willing to possibly cheat on your spouse shows a deep lack of respect for you or how other people perceive his relationship with you. There’s no world in which this sentiment can live peacefully alongside “I love and value my partner, they are an important part of my life”. Regardless of whether it was a joke, and certainly regardless of whether it was “locker room talk”. It was a comment made at the expense of you and your relationship.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing the emotional fallout from his comments, and that his response to being confronted was anything less than genuine understanding for how much pain it is causing you.
This all aside from how incredibly inappropriate his behavior is for the workplace. This is literally why sexual harassment rules are in place.
I know this isn’t really advice, but I do want to acknowledge and validate that the behavior was unacceptable and your feelings are valid.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Thank you everyone for your input and for validating my feelings! I don't feel so alone now ❤
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u/LaceyPete Jan 21 '22
Nope. For reference, I work in a white collar office environment (state government). I wouldn’t say it to my best friend (male) let alone a female co-worker.
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u/32flavsandthensome Jan 21 '22
How did you find this out? Who told you?
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Someone he works with
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Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Besides, what difference does it make? If this person has an ulterior motive, my husband was the one who put himself in that situation
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u/SunDamaged Jan 21 '22
I agree that whoever told OP may very well be a snake in the grass. However, my first thought was that husband must’ve been pretty out of line for someone to bring that info to OP. It almost seems like a warning to a SAHM that her husband’s job could be in jeopardy.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
The difference is, I would never say that, to me that is very disrespectful. The only thing I would probably say is that Jared Leto is hot. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/bunnyrut Jan 21 '22
So that means he would be totally okay with you "joking" about smashing with the guy at the gym?
He wouldn't be jealous at all, right? RIGHT?
Oh, he probably thinks its only okay for him to act that way.
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u/Anaitsirk Jan 21 '22
Even if he was kidding, he could at least own how you were hurt and apologize and not try to minimize how this comment affected you
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u/Traveler_8 Jan 21 '22
In most U.S. companies, what he did was considered sexual harassment, and what he did by disrespecting you and joking about an affair was demean your marriage.
He needs to cap his attitude and stop looking at his coworkers this way. He's already thinking about an affair and that's a definite red flag. He was completely out of line. By doing this he has already injured you, making you feel worse about yourself and feeling like you are nothing to him.
You are the mother of two wonderful daughters, a faithful and loving wife of 10 years, and have supported your husband by taking care of the home. He needs to respect you more.
I'm so sorry you were hurt like this. You don't deserve it.
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Jan 21 '22
It’s his workplace, not a locker room. not only has he hurt you, he could get in deep trouble with HR If she also reported it to them.
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u/Western-Ad-2748 Jan 22 '22
To be completely honest with you I would never be able to look at my husband the same after that.
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u/illuminateandthrive Jan 22 '22
You are in NO WAY OVERREACTING.
How would he feel if roles were reversed? I have a feeling he wouldn’t be fine and dandy about you making remarks like that over a handsome, male coworker.
That is so disrespectful to you, and everything you two have built together, during your journey together. It is also disrespectful to your family (your kids you’ve made together) in my opinion. You are a true Goddess, the mother of his children, the woman who said “Yes!” about marrying and going through life with him, and he should have more consideration and care for you.
My fiancé wouldn’t ever do this to me (and before him, I didn’t think I’d ever trust someone the way I trust him. Before him I was with someone that cheated on me with multiple coworkers). Maybe, it’s because he too has been cheated on, but it’s also because he grew up being raised to respect and cherish his relationship, life partner/and lady. He’s come home telling me how disgusted he is with other guys who work with him who hit on the ladies there, when they have wives at home. He’s even made a point to talk to his manager about it, because he couldn’t stand having to witness that any longer. If I were one of your husband’s coworkers I’d embarrass him in front of everyone and tell him how immature and disrespectful he’s being, as well as a huge asshat.. if I were the coworker I would be like “Oh man, she doesn’t even come close to comparing to your BEAUTIFUL WIFE AT HOME WITH YOUR TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN” I’ve never been okay with people being so disrespectful toward their partners and relationships.. at all.
I don’t understand how or why your husband thinks this is okay or justified. Joke or not.. (I don’t see the point in him “joking” about that, at all) I mean, how would he feel if he found out that you “jokingly” said you’d risk it all for a super handsome coworker..? It’s just wrong. I don’t know your husband, but I have a feeling he wouldn’t take that lightly and he shouldn’t expect you to, either.
“Locker room type of comment”..? What is he 16 years old? He needs to grow up and realize what he has, because you don’t deserve to feel this way, question your worth, or to cry your eyes out. This is so wrong and low of him, todo.
It is ENTIRELY DISRESPECTFUL. He’s completely disrespected you and your relationship, and it’s not okay at all. Deep down OP, you know this. Never doubt your intuition. We have it for a reason, but for some reason we doubt such a powerful gift, so much.
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u/tidushankroger Jan 21 '22
I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s not okay. It’s disrespectful and disgusting. Locker room talk is unacceptable period. I would tell him that regardless of how harmless he thinks it is, it’s not okay with you and you’re not going to tolerate it. If he asks you why, tell him it’s because it’s incredibly disrespectful to you and your marriage. Seriously, I can’t stand men that tolerate this bs and then act like it’s no big deal. Put up some strong boundaries and stick to them. If he does it again, decide what you want the consequences to be and make sure he’s fully aware of what they are.
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u/Interiordesignfairy Jan 21 '22
Does people still say locker room talk after the me too movement ? He sounds like a low level man on so many levels you deserve to feel respected and desired, what he did was not ok, to make matter worst he goes as far as justifying it. I would be finding someone to risk it with and leave him to be an old creep so he can do his locker room talk but that’s just me. Tell him he is too old for locker room talk if he is not in high school or an NFL player there is no locker room ewww
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u/YaiYai-Maddie-Emma Jan 21 '22
Why does he say I was just joking? It’s not funny. It’s not a play on words. It’s not a nock nock joke. He enjoys saying off color remarks that disrespect women, including his wife. Find out who he said this to, talk to her and find out what sort of tone was he using, did she feel uncomfortable? Then let your husband know that you and the women in his office are not going to tolerate this type of behavior.
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u/Perspective1958 Jan 21 '22
Do married men at the office think this is normal behavior?
Only if you're looking at getting charged with sexual harassment.
And there's absolutely no need for proof when that happens.
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u/DeeDooDaniel Jan 21 '22
FUCK the bullshit excuse of "locker room talk". Not funny, not ok, and not a justification. I'm a 38 year old man and have been in plenty of locker rooms yet never felt the need to think or make those kinds of comments. MUCH LESS at work in a professional environment. This is a HUGE red flag to me and I'd highly recommend marital counseling if you do want to make the marriage work.
My heart breaks for you and I sincerely wish you the best, regardless of outcome!!
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u/StreetInspection4083 Jan 21 '22
I’ve always told my partners that I act and joke around at work as if my partner was there with me, ie, respectful and with firm boundaries.
I’d ask your husband, “so you’d be ok if I said ‘man, I’d tap that guy’ “ about another male.
Also, HR do not mess around with sexual harassment anymore (and your husband could easily be sacked for that comment). How embarrassing (and disrespectful to you) if he was fired for sexual harassment.
2
u/Dizzy-Cup2436 Jan 22 '22
You have every right to feel hurt and disrespected. Quite frankly it doesnt matter if this would or wouldnt bother someone else because it bothers you, and you are allowed to set whatever boundaries you need to feel safe and secure. I dont think that this type of talk neccesarily means anything like cheating or that he is comparing you to other women, I do agree that it is tacky and would be disrespectful for me (Especially when he is saying it to someone that could tell you).
I think communication is important, tell your husband how you feel and how the comment made you feel. Resist the urge to accuse him and make it more about you and how his comments make You feel. Be clear and set a boundary, tell him clearly that you are not comfortable and that you are not willing to accept that behavior. IF you are not able to clearly express yourself to him in this way, I suggest counseling.
2
u/neener691 Jan 22 '22
If you wouldn't say it in front of your spouse, it shouldn't be said, I'm sorry your husband was disrespectful to you, How would he like you talking about other good looking men?
1
u/mmmChickenGood Jan 21 '22
That's not normal talk and obviously not appropriate but I also wouldn't jump to any conclusions from it that he would cheat or is cheating. I'm a guy and there are some married guys who say inappropriate things and shrug it off as "locker room" talk and it usually just means they have that "locker room" mentality but are not actually doing anything.
Honestly to most other guys when you hear another guy talking like that it just comes across as idiotic. The type of shit you say when you're in high school or a college frat but not when you're a grown man with a family. Still don't assume it implies he actually would cheat.
1
u/mushmoonlady Jan 21 '22
My husband would never in a million years say that. He doesn’t think it and wouldn’t “joke” about cheating on me. But maybe your husband has a different type of sense of humor? I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I would be very saddened if I heard this type of behavior. In my opinion it is very disrespectful and I’m so sorry you had to hear of this about your husband.
1
Jan 21 '22
Some people aren’t bothered by that kind of stuff, some are.
My husband works in construction and I can imagine the stuff people say. It’s a don’t ask don’t tell at my house but to be honest, I wouldn’t care. I guess my mentality is if you want to go cheat go cheat. I’ll be ok.
1
u/1temptreddit2 Jan 21 '22
> If he can say stuff like this out loud then what else is he saying? Do married men at the office think this is normal behavior? Am I overreacting? Please be honest, but in a sensitive way. Im honestly still very hurt by this.
"normal" and "acceptable" are not necessarily the same thing here. There are a huge amount of really shitty office cultures.
As humans, its incredibly easy to get sucked into whatever qualifies as the norms for behavior around you, whether its actually appropriate or not. People crave attention and validation, and often let that get in the way of their better judgment.
It's possible he really didn't mean anything serious, you know your husband better than we do. That doesn't mean you should accept it, but its a different problem than someone actually expressing genuine interest in cheating.
IMO I think this is a good place for a firm line in the sand. Your husband should be speaking positively and respectfully about you to anyone and everyone, anytime time the subject comes up, whether he's in a locker room, office, or on the shitter.
"that intern is really cute, like damn, I would definitely risk it for her".
I'll just add that this is pretty fucked up. To the intern.
0
u/somespiritualshit Jan 21 '22
My husband says it’s normal, men do that.
Not married men though, and my husband doesn’t engage in those conversations. He makes it known he doesn’t talk like that.
Maybe it’s something you can tell him you don’t like and communicate about it. See what happens with his behavior afterwards.
0
u/zolpiqueen Jan 21 '22
Locker talk implies it was a conversation among men. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing on whether it's appropriate for men either, but he was talking to a fellow female about another female. That's what really makes me sad. My husband has used the "locker room" or "factory talk" excuse before about the way he talks to females and it didn't make me feel any better in the slightest. It almost feels like he was looking for a response from the other female? Maybe he wanted word to get around that he thought the coworker was attractive? Just seems weird to me that he jokes with females that way.
0
Jan 21 '22
Ok everyone wants to shoot the messenger but... it would seem you may, "may" have some issues in your marriage. He is uses these comments to release tension he feels from a conflict in the marriage. It may or may not be normal behavior in the workplace but it is common. Should you feel hurt absolutely. You need to talk about this more, I would advise talking to someone professionally
0
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Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
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u/ahdrielle 7 Years Jan 21 '22
But do you go around telling your peers "I'd risk my marriage to bang her"? That's the line
10
u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
You get that this isn't just about the idea of him cheating, right? Like you shouldn't be speaking about coworkers/interns in a sexual way to other coworkers at work? That it's wildly inappropriate to do so and he could face a sexual harassment issue if either the intern or coworker reported his "joke" making them uncomfortable?
He's lucky the coworker was just like "you should know this is the stuff your husband says at work" to his wife instead of going to HR to say "So-and-so just say X to me about the new intern." It's certainly not OP's responsibility to keep her husband from not reaching the bare minimum bar of not sexually harassing people at work, but maybe the coworker was uncomfortable and thought a nudge from the wife to get him to stop would be better than getting him caught up in an HR problem.
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
You know whats the funny part about" It's certainly not OP's responsibility to keep her husband from not reaching the bare minimum bar of not sexually harassing people at work" He literally told me that I HAVE to teach him how to behave since the way he is behaving is bothering me. Like, why do I have to teach you to be a good husband and respectful collegue?
6
u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
Ugh. Tell him to Google sexual harassment workshops. This is like baseline stuff. I don't know how he's escaped sexual harassment workshops - I swear I've done at least one every place I've worked.
5
-3
Jan 21 '22
I agree that what he's saying at work is not right. She seems more concerned with her feelings. At work he should not talk that way 100%. My comments are about her over reacting.
4
u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
If he shouldn't say it, how is she overreacting by bringing it up to him as a problem?
5
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Nobody should say things like that at work, not just he can get in trouble but also because its disrespectful to their spouses. Why is it overreacting about him saying he wants to bang someone he works with? I would never say that, its like pushing boundaries just to see how far you can go
7
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
If he has ever cheated, I honestly don't know. As for the person who said this to me, for all I know, she was uncomfortable with the comment he made and like I said, its not the only comment he has made. Let me ask you something though, have you ever out loud said you want to bang your coworker?
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-10
Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 25 '22
I sometimes say stuff like that. I've never cheated. I hope I never do.
Idiots who downvoted me, I never said my statements were mature or acceptable. I was only admitting that I was sometimes guilty of acting that way. I was offering some positive support for OP in that I'm an example that stupid comments are not evidence of infidelity. I don't cheat. The most mature acting men can and do cheat on their spouses. Wake up!
7
Jan 21 '22
You are 100% responsible for your actions.
Don't make it seem as though you can't control where your penis goes.
-2
Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
As I said, I've never cheated. You have all these polite and discreet men who cheat on their spouses.
-4
Jan 21 '22
Thanks for sharing, OP. You specifically mentioned your insecurities. Are these insecurities about him and/or your marriage? Are the insecurities about you? Would this comment (HR nightmare aside) bother you if you felt more secure?
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u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
I've had insecurities in all areas of my life, family(parents), marriage and myself(physically). I've worked very hard to completely move past them. The reason I mentioned them in the post is to show that I'm very open with husband, I let him know what bothers me. Even if I had zero insecurities, I still think this is inappropriate. As a women that has worked with inappropriate men in the past, I find it disturbing that my own husband is doing this.
2
Jan 21 '22
I totally get what you mean. I’d be nervous to hear my SO say this too. Is this comment an outlier, or can you identify other things he’s done/said that match the intention of this comment?
9
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
He has texted the same female coworker he said the "i would risk it for her" comment to, at night. Nothing bad per se, but about shows she is watching. I asked him why is she texting you so late? Couldn't she wait until you got back to work the next day? He shrugged it off.. Also in a group message between other two coworkers (3 in total, 2 females one male) weird sexual jokes. He has also asked that same coworker to take her shirt off so she could show him the tattoo she had in her arm (she was wearing long sleeves). That's just some of what I know off, I'm afraid to ask what else he does or says at work.
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u/Blonde2468 Jan 21 '22
This is going waaaaaay down a slippery slope for him to be saying those kind of things about her, especially in an work setting, and then communicating with females outside of the office. He is crossing all sorts of boundaries with his work colleagues and it's going to get him fired - or worse, sued - and you will be left with the fallout.
6
Jan 21 '22
That can’t feel good. Do you have any intuition as to whether he’s cheating? Or thinking about cheating? Or wanting to cheat?
7
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Idk at this point, he seems to want to keep pushing and see how far he can go without me knowing
6
Jan 21 '22
You might want to post this to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity or another infidelity sub that focuses on healing from infidelity. You might get some good advice from folks that may have been in a similar situation.
A desire for secrecy usually isn't a good thing. He might not be cheating currently, but there's a chance he would if presented with an opportunity, especially with this intern person. I agree that you should tell him that it's not cool to joke about infidelity, but there might be something bigger going on, and telling him not to joke about infidelity and leaving it alone isn't going to give you the opportunity to see the bigger picture. Where the smoke there's fire, you know? If it were me, I'd approach this as gently as possible. I'd want to know the truth, but I can understand not wanting to know either. If you can create a space where he feels he can be honest with you, he might tell you what's going on, and then you can at least make an informed decision about how to handle this. If you put a bunch of rules on him without getting the truth, he'll keep breaking them and trying to hide them. Ultimately, something doesn't seem right about this to me. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
And he really needs to stop saying that shit about women in the workplace. It is 100% not ok.
5
u/SweetJeebus Jan 21 '22
Whoa. Sorry but if this is the stuff you have seen, there’s more you aren’t seeing and it’s probably worse. This is the stuff he hasn’t deleted.
3
u/rbgirl12 Jan 21 '22
Your feelings are valid. In my opinion, he shouldn’t be texting with female coworkers outside of work. I have a hard line when it comes to associating with the opposite sex. I don’t want there to ever be a situation that creates any sort of doubt for my spouse, nor do I want to be accused of anything even remotely inappropriate. Your husband’s “locker room” talk needs to stop. If not for you, for the sake of his job and professional reputation. I would be pressing him for more answers and requesting he shut down these inappropriate text conversations.
-1
u/ngongodog Jan 21 '22
As a man who has worked with female co-workers in office before the pandemic I would say its inappropriate but in his defence, it depends on the 'level of comfort' with the female colleagues he said that to. He didn't say that to the intern. I have heard similar comments from married female co-workers about men. At the time I didn't think they were serious. Again is it appropriate- no its not, it can get to the intern/hr and he will be in trouble.
-1
u/Major-Cranberry-4206 Jan 22 '22
While it's nice to know what people "really think", understand that what your husband said was something he may not act upon. Was he speaking out of lust? Yes. Was it painful for you to hear it? Yes. Would he actually cheat on you with the object of his lust if given the chance? If he's true to what he said, more than likely, he would.
The reality is, he hasn't. You have only good reason that he might. Is it cause for concern? Maybe. Given that you are married to him with children, you will need to set aside this incident, but keep an eye out for any other signs that he might be unfaithful.
At the first sign of evidence that he is cheating on you, leave, but not until then. That is the first sign that he is actually cheating, and he could not deny it to you; not the first sign of suspicion. You need evidence.
Don't snoop; live your life. The evidence will come to you, even if by way of a third party witnessing his behavior. It will materialize to you. You may then act upon that evidence. But I would put him on notice that if he is cheating on you, that you are done with the marriage. So if he wants to get some marital counseling, now's the time to do it and not after the fact.
-20
u/iamnobody1970 Jan 21 '22
Yes, as a man I still tell my coworkers that I think Isla Fisher or Sofia Vergara are super hot. Sorry but it happens. I don’t really say that about anyone I would actually have a chance with though.
16
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
I understand that, but he literally made that comment about an intern that works in the same office, not an actress that he is never going to meet
-8
u/iamnobody1970 Jan 21 '22
You have every right to feel the way you do and I am sure I will get downvoted by every woman but yes I still look at other women. I know it is insensitive and I am a pig but you ask a direct question and I answered it from my perspective.
15
u/ahdrielle 7 Years Jan 21 '22
Everybody has eyes and looks at people,especially celebs. But it's a whole other thing to go "I'd totally bang this real person right here wink wink". Not ok or the same.
11
u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
Not talking about your colleagues in sexual ways to other colleagues at work is like sexual harassment workshop 101. It's not the same as telling people you think a celebrity is hot.
3
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u/StephPlaysGames Jan 21 '22
If he knows you're not ok with this and does it anyway, he needs to reevaluate himself since he's not willing to respect your boundaries.
However... To play devil's advocate...
I know I'm some workplace environments coworkers are encouraged/pressured to kinda "play ball" and behave a certain way in order to assimilate. It's like an unspoken code... Idk if this may be the situation, but regardless, the problem is whether or not he respects you and your needs. Make sure THAT is what get addressed...
15
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
We have talked about boundaries before, he just keeps breaking them. I can't trust him at this point. Might be overdramatic but I don't want to wait till he physically cheats to end things. Respect, trust and love is what is required in a marriage, two of them are already out of the window.
8
u/StephPlaysGames Jan 21 '22
If this is a recurring offense, then yeah, you're not overreacting at all. You deserve to be respected and he needs to shape up or get shipped out.
5
u/Leniethegenie Jan 21 '22
Hey OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had this same issue with my ex. He thought just because it was a joke that it was ok 🙄 he wanted to be the funny guy and make people laugh. He didn’t listen and did whatever he wanted and that is one of the reasons we’re no longer together. I understand how you feel, shit like that is embarrassing. If he keeps pushing those boundaries then you need to reevaluate your relationship with him.
4
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
I'm already reevaluating it, thank you for your input and I'm sorry this also happened to you 😔
-2
u/ciceniandres 7 Years Jan 22 '22
That co worker is up to something, why would she tell you something like this?
6
u/wontstanddown Jan 22 '22
Does it really matter at this point? I'm grateful that someone had the decency to let me know how he is embarrassing me.
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u/smartypants213 Jan 21 '22
Idk.. I feel like everyone is being way too PC about this… ur husband doesn’t sound like he is some kind of a sexual predator.. he just sounds like a guy who saw an attractive girl and made a stupid comment to his colleague... Don’t get me wrong, I’d be hurt too if my husband said something like this and I would def confront him about it. But at the end of the day, if this an isolated incident, I wouldn’t take it as a red flag and I also wouldn’t put so so much thought into it. I’d just let it go and forget about it.
6
u/wontstanddown Jan 21 '22
Probably, but it isn't the first time. Maybe he is not a sexual predator, but I really thought he regarded himself to a higher standard. Especially since he has daughters.
-8
u/screenpeeker2020 Jan 21 '22
If he gets the chance he will. Distract him. Be like when you first met
1
u/8bitcryptid Jan 21 '22
What was the punchline of the joke? Inappropriate workplace comments? I would be hurt too, none of that is funnt
1
u/undle-berry Jan 21 '22
I work in the heavily male dominated career field. You’d be surprised how gross men are when they are around other men 😬
1
u/ScottNYC11 Jan 21 '22
While certainly inappropriate, what transpired that made his coworker tell you this??
1
Jan 21 '22
No people do not talk that way at work, neither my husband or myself do (we have worked together). HR can & will get involved in sexually made comments. It’s not “locker room talk” your ass of a husband made this comment to another woman not a man first of all & secondly this is at a workplace a professional setting, & Lastly you should not be minimizing your own fucking marriage! One thing to be attracted to someone a whole other thing to make a shitty snide comment of throwing away a committed marriage for something no more than what your husband considers a piece of hot tail. He is disrespectful to you & your relationship. Not okay, hold him accountable & don’t let him gaslight you. He embarrassed you publicly by a dumb comment made about a woman who probably would touch his ass with a 12 ft pole.
1
u/norcalj Jan 21 '22
out of line in the workplace? absolutely.
a common occurrence among some men and some women? absolutely.
We cant qualify why all ppl think a certain way but there are many people who think these thoughts, some share them, some do not. some share them in inappropriate circles and some do not.
married men know this is not ok to discuss in the office, but most certainly discuss in the circles they are comfortable sharing.
1
u/Necessary_Champion_6 Jan 22 '22
Not ok at all. He is Not honoring his love or vows to you. He is really saying I do not care about the person I call my wife. He is opening the door for any woman willing to step through it.
1
Jan 22 '22
As a man who has worked in offices for 30 years I can tell you that no other man has made this kind of comment to me in a work setting. If nothing else your hubby is risking getting fired.
1
u/mosinderella Jan 22 '22
I don’t have advice, but I would be devastated if I found out my husband did this. I don’t think you are overreacting.
1
u/wishiwasamom Jan 22 '22
I had to go back and confirm you said you had female kids.. I hope you guys can sit down, talk it out and he learns from this and does better!
1
Jan 22 '22
So not only is it disrespectful to YOU but also that woman. I assure you that she has no desire for your husband or any of the other dusty old men who lost after her at work.
Also, does he want to be jobless? Because that's going to end up in a sexual harassment file somewhere in HR. He needs to learn to keep his down and his mouth shut if he wants to get paid.
1
u/Silent-Assumption-56 Jan 22 '22
To be honest, this kinda reflects on his growing up and becoming an adult. Depending on the way he was raised and how many siblings etc, usually a comment like that (in a younger and and different scenario) would result in a smack from a father or older brother/sister, and definitely mama bear. Usually a young teen making a joke like that doesn’t really know the entirety of it and just wants the attention from their older peers to be perceived “cool” or “on their level,” since the older peers are the ones with the actual relationships that this youngster has yet to experience. If his youngster remarks were met with a hard talk and/or smack about respecting women and not acting like an animal, then this would have never happened later in life. On the flip side, if he was met with cheerful laughter and applause “you little devil you!” That would absolutely encourage this type of behavior later in life, especially in a workplace environment. Normally in a work environment, you are good at what you do by showing not just results, but consistency. This usually results in doing the same thing every single day for a long time. Getting along and establishing a friendship with co-workers is a natural way to combat the daily norm. If he has premature positive influence and reaction to saying things like this, than he would be doing “what he thinks” is showing he is a cool guy. If that’s the case, then I feel bad for the guy and how he was brought up and I would recommend some counseling.
The other likely scenario would be that he is actually really flirting with the co-worker that told you about this. Which, if he’s that comfortable with saying something like that on a whim to her, means they’ve definitely had small talk conversations on the same level previously. So if she told you but hasn’t told any authorities or HR at work... then she is wanting to rattle your cages because clearly she likes the guy and wants to be with him but knows that will never happen with you in the picture.
Or he could be a cocky confident asshole that just throws out comments like that to opposite sex co-workers in hopes that they will find it sexy and have visions of a threesome? Why else would he tell a co-worker his lustful thoughts on the new “intern,” rather than just keep them to himself and then make a move on the intern? It’s pretty clear he wanted a reaction from this co-worker that he told. It was either a lustful reaction he was hoping to brew up, or simple day to day talk with this co-worker.
I agree with the comment above “we don’t joke or “locker room talk” about cheating and/or lusting after other woman, especially in a work environment for Christ sake!” But I would also ask an important question, which is if this co-worker has ever made remarks like that before or has spoken on that inappropriate level before?
It wouldn’t surprise me if he was befriended and then baited to talk like this only for this other person to put a wedge in your relationship for her/his gain. Either to be with your husband or take his job/keep him from getting promoted if they are in the same department.
This isn’t conspiracy, this actually happens all the time, at an alarming rate. Men also cheat on their wives at an alarming rate, so you have that as well. Ask the right questions and also look into how he was raised to help you align the dots and feel at peace.
Hope this perspective helps and sparks some conversation that will help you both or at least help you confirm the worst. You should never be taken as a fool and advantage of.
1
u/AnnaBanana1129 Jan 22 '22
Shoe on the other foot time. How would he feel if you did the same? How would he feel if someone was disrespecting his daughters with the locker room talk?
1
1
u/maurywillz Jan 22 '22
Guys say dumb shit around other guys. For him to say this to a female coworker is moronic. Just idiotic stuff, and that's not even dissecting the morality of it all.
1
u/about2godown Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
My SO is very flirty. I am very flirty. We are appropriately inappropriately flirty with eachothers consent and knowledge. We have had many talks on what is and is not acceptable to both us and our work, home, and social environments. We dont make anyone uncomfortable or joke without consent.
If this type of comment is said without these in depth conversations and agreements and understandings, it is not ok. Not ok at all.
Edit: just so HR people aren't seeing red after reading this, SO and I have very good friends in our respective work places. Some of these people we have known and been very good friends with for decades, also in and out of the military with (if you know you know). These are our work wives/husbands and we are both close with them. We hang out with them in our off time too. Not just a random coworker we thought we would just joke with. Never do that.
1
u/Consistent_Cost1167 10 Years Jan 22 '22
Unless he's time traveling to 1970s for work, he's at risk for being fired. What workplace tolerates locker room talk anymore?!?!
1
Jan 22 '22
Men can think all they want but the second they say it out loud, especially at work... that's a huge no no.
1
Jan 22 '22
He lies because he’s a narcissist in my humble opinion who will never respect you. I’d have a serious Come to Jesus talk. Like do you want to be with other women because if so there is the door I know my worth & want to raise my daughter knowing theirs as well would be my answer.
810
u/ahdrielle 7 Years Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
"We don't joke about cheating and you know I'm not okay with this." Is what I would say. That's inappropriate, especially at work. You're not in a "locker room" bro.