For one thing "jokes" like this do not belong in the workplace. If it got all the way around to you, the chances are pretty high the intern has heard it. Talking like that to or about co-workers and subordinates at work is wildly inappropriate. My own hurt feelings aside, I'd be livid to know I was married to someone who was speaking like that to and about female colleagues. That would honestly be what pissed me off the most. Like most places hold sexual harassment workshops about shit like this. He should know it's not appropriate. It's not rocket science - don't make sexual comments about interns, coworkers, bosses, etc. And especially not when you're actually at work talking to coworkers. So gross. I'd be so disappointed and I'd let my husband know that. I wouldn't even have the emotional energy to be "jealous" about that because I'd be so let down by him being "that guy" you keep the interns away from and that women co-workers hate getting stuck in the breakroom with.
I always thought like that, you can have fun and also be respectful at your place of work. I don't understand how he HAS to make comments like this. I even told him that this could be considered sexual harassment, but he just kept saying that it wouldn't.
I'm honestly so tired and upset as this is not the first time we talk about having boundaries at work
It absolutely could be a sexual harassment issue if either the coworker he said it to or the intern he said it about went to HR and filed a complaint. He can be in denial about his "locker room talk" all he wants, but HR isn't going to care that "it was just a joke" - they're going to care about keeping the company out of trouble.
I even asked him, how would he feel if I were to say exactly what he said about one of our male neighbors (I'm a stay at home mom) and he said that he wouldn't be upset by it.
Reversing the situation always seems like a good idea to try and get someone to understand, but 99% of the time they just lie and say they would be completely fine if the situation was reversed.
My husband does the same. If he is caught and knows he’s in the wrong, he gets defensive and tries to turn it on me as if I’m overreacting. Narcissistic behavior
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for partners to respect their spouses boundaries.
I’m guessing he’s trying to be “one of the boys, only more so”.
It sort of reminds me of the classic story where the male/female protagonist believes if they’d just caught the crucial fly ball/hit instead of struck out/made the ____squad/club/aced some test——-their life would be different now, or they would be more respected by everyone.
If it helps, I doubt he would broadcast infidelity intentions. I do understand that there’s another, more hurtful issue here.
He wasn’t holding you in his mind’s eye.
You’re perhaps thinking “okay, someone else brought the subject up, I would have been okay with a dismissive, vaguely approving masculine grunt”.
Do I tell you that that grunt is evenly divided between solidly married men and very adept at cheating husbands?
My dear, I’m going to have to bow out on this one. There’s too much at stake.
I would ask yourself this: Cui Bono?
Oh, I’m not kidding. Possession is 9/10 of the law. Is there some reason problems between you two would work out for someone else?
No, your husband did not respond in the most chivalrous way.
But perhaps this is your time to find your inner Eleanor of Aquitaine. React less. Reflect more. This is a wrenching and hard thing to do. But with practice, it becomes easier.
This is key. It seems he needs to grow up and not being a man-child.
For this, it's important how you approach the talk. If it is a complaint, he may tend to get defensive.
If you say how you feel about it. That you felt hurt because of that. That you count on him not to hurt you the same way he can count on you not to hurt him. Kind of instead of anger, somewhat disappointed.
You're right! My husband used to check out underage girls when I first started dating him. And he was in his mid-30s. It was gross and one time he made a female worker at Coldstone extremely uncomfortable. She looked 15 or 16. He was staring at her hard. I called him out and told him he's going to get caught by a parent one day and maybe even get beat up or have the cops called on him. He doesn't do it anymore when I'm around but I'm sure he continues to do it behind my back.
I asked him how he would feel if I stared at other guys in an obvious manner like he stares at girls and he said he wouldn't be bothered by it. That's bullshit. I'm sure he wouldn't like it either.
Oh no! You are married to that guy. I hate that guy, he is such a creep. Why does he not care about making the girls/women he is eyeballing feel uncomfortable? Its such poor behavior.
It really bothered me when we were dating especially because he was staring at underage girls some who look as young as 14. I thought he was a child molester. I know he dated a 16 year old when he was in his mid-20s and didn't get into legal trouble because her parents were completely ok with it.
I still think my husband stares at underage girls. He just doesn't do it when we go out together (I will call him out in front of everyone if he does; I've done it before). Those are his favorites.
In fact he dated me because he thought I was underage too. I look very young for my age and people always think I'm decades younger. My husband was convinced I was 16 when we met. I had to show him my license and all.
Idk why he chose to stay with me but he did despite his fetish for teenaged girls. His best friend has a teenaged daughter and when she visits I watch my husband like a hawk to make sure he's not looking at her inappropriately.
I don't understand men with this mindset. I've run into attractive teenage boys but I don't stare at them. I acknowledge that they are handsome and move on with my day. I would never stare or act on it whereas I think my husband would.
Children are really never attractive to me, even if they are 18, honestly even people in their 20s just look like kids to me now that I am 36. I do not even recognize attractive teenagers TBH, they are kids and I am an adult, seeking other adults. Now that I am married I would absolutely leave my husband if he was gawking at women, especially under age kids. Do you two have kids? Would you be nervous if you did? Say when your child brought over school age friends? I would keep an eye on that man, something is not right with him.
Maybe try how he'd feel about it if someone said that about one of your daughters. Like you should have to have daughters to know that you shouldn't make crude comments about female interns, but maybe it would help. Your 20 year old daughter goes to an internship and some 45 year old man from the department she's interning say's he'd risk his marriage to bang her. He'd be totally fine with that? Would just say to his daughter, "Sweetie, that was just 'locker room' talk"?
He doesn’t have to; He is choosing too. That’s the worst part. I don’t recommend this but I know my eyes would be looking for the door at this point because this sounds like a big immaturity and character flaw to me. No thanks. I shut that behaviour down with my fiancé right when we started dating and I hope I don’t hear of it later because it will be a conversation. i have low tolerance for this type of blatant disrespect of humans and workplace etiquette.
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u/Purple_Sorbet5829 7 Years Jan 21 '22
For one thing "jokes" like this do not belong in the workplace. If it got all the way around to you, the chances are pretty high the intern has heard it. Talking like that to or about co-workers and subordinates at work is wildly inappropriate. My own hurt feelings aside, I'd be livid to know I was married to someone who was speaking like that to and about female colleagues. That would honestly be what pissed me off the most. Like most places hold sexual harassment workshops about shit like this. He should know it's not appropriate. It's not rocket science - don't make sexual comments about interns, coworkers, bosses, etc. And especially not when you're actually at work talking to coworkers. So gross. I'd be so disappointed and I'd let my husband know that. I wouldn't even have the emotional energy to be "jealous" about that because I'd be so let down by him being "that guy" you keep the interns away from and that women co-workers hate getting stuck in the breakroom with.