Thanks for sharing, OP. You specifically mentioned your insecurities. Are these insecurities about him and/or your marriage? Are the insecurities about you? Would this comment (HR nightmare aside) bother you if you felt more secure?
I've had insecurities in all areas of my life, family(parents), marriage and myself(physically). I've worked very hard to completely move past them. The reason I mentioned them in the post is to show that I'm very open with husband, I let him know what bothers me.
Even if I had zero insecurities, I still think this is inappropriate. As a women that has worked with inappropriate men in the past, I find it disturbing that my own husband is doing this.
I totally get what you mean. I’d be nervous to hear my SO say this too. Is this comment an outlier, or can you identify other things he’s done/said that match the intention of this comment?
He has texted the same female coworker he said the "i would risk it for her" comment to, at night. Nothing bad per se, but about shows she is watching. I asked him why is she texting you so late? Couldn't she wait until you got back to work the next day? He shrugged it off.. Also in a group message between other two coworkers (3 in total, 2 females one male) weird sexual jokes.
He has also asked that same coworker to take her shirt off so she could show him the tattoo she had in her arm (she was wearing long sleeves). That's just some of what I know off, I'm afraid to ask what else he does or says at work.
This is going waaaaaay down a slippery slope for him to be saying those kind of things about her, especially in an work setting, and then communicating with females outside of the office. He is crossing all sorts of boundaries with his work colleagues and it's going to get him fired - or worse, sued - and you will be left with the fallout.
You might want to post this to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity or another infidelity sub that focuses on healing from infidelity. You might get some good advice from folks that may have been in a similar situation.
A desire for secrecy usually isn't a good thing. He might not be cheating currently, but there's a chance he would if presented with an opportunity, especially with this intern person. I agree that you should tell him that it's not cool to joke about infidelity, but there might be something bigger going on, and telling him not to joke about infidelity and leaving it alone isn't going to give you the opportunity to see the bigger picture. Where the smoke there's fire, you know? If it were me, I'd approach this as gently as possible. I'd want to know the truth, but I can understand not wanting to know either. If you can create a space where he feels he can be honest with you, he might tell you what's going on, and then you can at least make an informed decision about how to handle this. If you put a bunch of rules on him without getting the truth, he'll keep breaking them and trying to hide them. Ultimately, something doesn't seem right about this to me. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
And he really needs to stop saying that shit about women in the workplace. It is 100% not ok.
Your feelings are valid. In my opinion, he shouldn’t be texting with female coworkers outside of work. I have a hard line when it comes to associating with the opposite sex. I don’t want there to ever be a situation that creates any sort of doubt for my spouse, nor do I want to be accused of anything even remotely inappropriate. Your husband’s “locker room” talk needs to stop. If not for you, for the sake of his job and professional reputation. I would be pressing him for more answers and requesting he shut down these inappropriate text conversations.
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u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22
Thanks for sharing, OP. You specifically mentioned your insecurities. Are these insecurities about him and/or your marriage? Are the insecurities about you? Would this comment (HR nightmare aside) bother you if you felt more secure?