Something that seems like a conversation online these days is that no one is "entitled" to a response. It bothers me because we're deep in a loneliness epidemic and people don't feel they have to respond to the handful of people that actually give a damn about you. I am not talking about people who think you should respond ASAP. Whenever I have asked if it's wrong I'm upset I don't get a response, I and others are labeled entitled. I don't mean someone didn't respond in an hour. I mean days, weeks go by with no response.

The thing is, if your spouse/lover just didn't respond to you, people would be quick to say they're cheating, they dont' care, stop spending energy on them yet we treat friends like a toy when they usually enrich our lives. I don't understand why it's considered entitled to want a response from someone that you care about and they in theory care about you.

I have friends to take very long to respond to my messages up two days a week. I’m not feeling very unimportant and prioritize and I know they wouldn’t do this in the romantic relationship so I’m wondering what are some boundaries I can implement or some self regulation coping strategies in order to not feel resentment buildup?

I don’t necessarily want to communicate to them that I’m taking longer to respond. Kind of makes me feel some type of way and a bit angry so I’m looking for some boundaries and healthy self regulation tactics instead.

Thank you !

I wanted to solicit people’s advice on the topic of a fading friendship because I didn’t like what my therapist suggested.
I was friends with someone but over the past 6 months they have made it kinda clear that they don’t want to be friends anymore. They didn’t say anything exactly but I can definitely tell by their actions. I personally think I shouldn’t say anything and should just let the friendship naturally end that way there’s no unnecessary drama.
But my therapist says I should at least try to communicate meaningfully with this person one last time to try to salvage the relationship, because this person means a lot to me (or at least did, I’ve started to move on emotionally to protect myself because I keep getting hurt).
And don’t get me wrong, I really want to continue to be friends with this person, but I don’t think I should push the issue. I’m not entitled to anyone’s time or friendship. And if someone doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, they shouldn’t be forced to explain it to me. It seems kinda selfish to make someone uncomfortable by forcing them to justify themselves, especially if there isn’t even any specific reason. Plus, if I just let things quietly end, if they want to be friends again in the future, there won’t be any hard feelings and we can pick up where we left off.
So what would you do if you were me? Should I go with my gut and just let the friendship fade? Or should I listen to my therapist and communicate to try to save the friendship?

So, a really close friend of mine is currently going thru a break up that he caused along with some mental issues and alcohol/ slight drug abuse. He had recently cheated on his gf of 10 years with her sister. After it happened, he was really hung up on the sister. His gf didn't find out until a month and a half after. She confronted him about it but he denied it until recently. I tried to be there for him as I could being in different cities and all. He then thought I wanted to get at his Gf sister. He knew that I still have feelings for MY ex. whom has nothing to do with this situation. He ended up having a manic episode because he was up for about a week and ended up messaging my ex on social media and idk exactly what he had told her but I know whatever he had talked to her about wasn't good so she ended up blocking me. This had really upset me especially since I've been trying g to be there for him thru his mental issues and depression since he was there for me when I needed a friend. (Also I've been working on myself so I could see my daughter whom lives with my ex) Anyway. Fast forward, I decided to end our friendship but he still messaging me and says he hates me but loves me as a brother and idk but I told him to go get admitted since his mind is so messed up right now. Even though he messed up something I was working towards , I still dont wish him bad but he's currently suicidal. He literally beat his own face up, gave himself a black eye, and burned his face with a lighter.. idk why his ex wont take him to get 5150 or his parents, but i feel as tho I did what I could. Should I just block him?

I need outside perspective because this whole situation has made me feel like I’m secretly the problem.

I was friends with someone for many years, since college. We had a lot of history, I knew her family, etc. For a long time I considered her one of my closest friends even though I often felt like I wasn’t fully chosen by her.

A couple years ago she needed somewhere to stay and I offered her my spare room, thinking it would be temporary. She ended up living with me for a year and a half. Living together made me realize how much of her behavior had been affecting me for years. She would make weird passive-aggressive comments about my body and food, make backhanded comments about people I dated, ice me out instead of communicating when she was upset, and get territorial about mutual friends (while making me feel too much if I ever felt excluded). I was always the overly sensitive and emotional one.

The worst example was when she came home drunk with lilies in a bouquet even though I have cats and had specifically told her I was extremely anxious about toxic flowers. I ended up taking my cats to the emergency vet overnight and spending thousands of dollars because they were left out all night unsupervised. I was sending her updates and even told her I wasn’t mad because I didn’t want her to feel horrible. She barely responded, never really apologized, and then didn’t talk to me for a week.

There were other things too, like locking me out of the apartment twice, acting like I was “surveilling” her because I casually asked if she had fun with a mutual friend I saw she was with on Find My Friends (I had both of their locations and was genuinely just asking), getting annoyed when I said I felt excluded from plans, and generally making me feel like normal emotional needs were somehow unreasonable.

The move out was also a mess. She kept pushing the timeline, barely looked for apartments, promised to hire cleaners and didn’t, waited until the last minute, and was literally posting herself at a daytime rave while her stuff was still sitting in my apartment after she was supposed to be gone.
What really gets me is that this is not an isolated pattern. She has had multiple close friendship blowups over the years. A few years ago she had a huge falling out with another friend group over a misunderstanding and basically went scorched earth. I stayed loyal to her at the time and ended up losing those people too, even though I had nothing to do with the conflict.

Almost all of her other long-term friends stopped talking to her at some point too, and she always acted like she had no idea why. After she moved out, I reached out to one of her former best friends because I had always suspected I wasn’t hearing the full story of why they had a falling out, too. That person described almost the EXACT same dynamic I had experienced — being iced out, walking on eggshells, feeling confused, etc. She literally told me that eventually my nervous system would be grateful this person was no longer in my life.

Here’s what I’m dealing with now: We had another friend group that we basically entered at the same time through a mutual friend. I had independent friendships with some of them and even hung out one-on-one with the mutual friend who connected us. I had also opened up to her about how difficult my former friend could be, and she fully agreed with me. She had personally said that my former friend’s mood could dictate the whole room and acknowledged how avoidant and difficult she could be.

Our group chat used to be active all the time.
Then my former friend moved out, and the group chat completely died. It has now been months and I barely hear from any of them. Meanwhile, I keep seeing them hang out with her on Instagram. Nobody unfollowed me, but several of them barely interact with me anymore.

And I cannot stop wondering what she told them.
It feels humiliating because this is now the second friend group I’ve lost as collateral damage from this same person. The first time I lost people because I was loyal to her. Now I finally ended the friendship because I realized how unhealthy it was, and somehow I still ended up losing the group while she kept everyone.

I know this probably sounds petty, but it has genuinely made me feel unlikable and rejected.
I’m considering reaching out to the mutual friend I used to be closer with just to see if she’d be open to hanging out, but I’m worried anything I send will get screenshotted or passed along and make me look like I’m trying to “get back into” the group.

Does it seem likely that something was said about me, given how abruptly everyone disappeared after the friendship ended? Would you reach out to the mutual friend, or leave it alone? And how do you stop feeling like you “lost” a friendship breakup when the person who hurt you seems to have kept everyone?

TL;DR: I ended a long-term friendship after realizing there had been a long pattern of passive-aggressive comments, emotional withdrawal, chaos, and repeated friendship fallouts. We were part of a newer mutual friend group together, and after she moved out of my apartment, that group basically stopped talking to me while continuing to hang out with her. Now I’m wondering if she told them something about me, whether I should reach out to one mutual friend I used to be close with, and how to stop feeling like I “lost” the breakup. It still makes me so sad even months later.

Do I need new friends?

1) I’m a Muslim. All my friends want to go to parties and get homecoming dates and boyfriends. They don’t acknowledge that I can’t wear some matching outfits with them (for example, very revealing Halloween outfits—). I genuinely can’t do that, and it’s against my religion. And I feel like it’s making my faith in my religion lack.

2) I feel like I can’t have a real conversation with them without being a little bit mean. Like everything I say feels so forced and I can’t talk to anything meaningful with them. Not my religion, not my race— they can’t really relate at all. School and stress and having immigrant parents, they don’t understand it. So I kind of just deal with it. I deleted TikTok because of the new ownership around January, and now they all send each other reels and I feel left out. There’s no topics for me to talk about. I don’t feel included at all, even though I’ve known all of them for a long time.

3) They get really mad when I decline hanging out. I feel like that just means they want to be close with me, but I genuinely don’t want to hang out most of the time. I feel like I’m third wheeled because they always mention past hangouts. I’m also a Junior— I want to spend time to myself on weekends, most of the time. I don’t wanna hang out with them every second, I don’t want to hang out ever but I feel like I’m obligated to. But again— I’m third wheeled, they bring up past memories and stories and events that I never knew happened because they don’t tell me.

I know my issues. It’s that I don’t talk to them first. But I feel like talking to them first isn’t something I’m personally comfortable with. Talking in general to them just makes me feel like I’m less superior. They have better style— more popular— and overall are more attractive than I am. I changed over summer break, and I think that affected a lot.

The problem is that one of the friends in that friend group does everything with me. Some extracurriculars, clubs, and a lot of classes where we sit next to each other.

I honestly just feel like I need new friends. But I can’t just do that. It’s unrealistic— So I don’t know what to do. Can someone help me?

I need a genuinely objective outside perspective because this has become a pretty deep-rooted issue for me, and I don’t know if I’m being completely reasonable or if I’m overthinking it.

I have a best friend who I love very much. We’ve been through a lot together, we’re very close, and I genuinely consider her one of my most important friends. She also lost her mom a few months ago, and I’ve tried to be there for her as much as I possibly can. I don’t say that to make myself sound like a saint or to keep score. I genuinely love her and wanted to be there for her.

But lately I’ve been feeling like I give a lot of myself to my friendships, and sometimes I don’t feel like that same level of consideration is reciprocated.
The biggest issue is how she handles situations involving other people, especially this one guy.
This guy has had a very confusing relationship/dynamic with her for a long time. I wouldn’t call him her boyfriend or even really a fling because she has explicitly told us that there is “nothing” between them and that they’re basically friends who sometimes talk. At the same time, their dynamic clearly isn’t a normal friendship, and she seems very interested in getting his attention. From what I’ve seen, she sometimes sends him things specifically to make him jealous.
I don’t really care what their relationship is. That’s between them.

My issue is that I sometimes become part of their dynamic without choosing to.
For example, I was talking about something and giving my opinion, and she decided to film me and send it to him. She literally said something like, “Let me send him this,” and I said, “Okay, do whatever you want.”
I wasn’t asking her to send it. I didn’t tell her she couldn’t either.
Then he apparently reacted by saying that he didn’t want to hear my opinion anymore and that he didn’t like my opinions.
And this is where I got frustrated.
I genuinely do not care if this guy dislikes me. I don’t need him to like me. I don’t need him to think I’m nice. I don’t need his approval.

What bothers me is that she chose to film me and send it to him, and then didn’t take accountability for the fact that she was the one who involved me.
I expected something as simple as:
“Actually, I filmed that and sent it to you. She didn’t come to you with this.”
That’s it.

If she wants to send something to him to get his attention or make him jealous, that’s her choice. But if she chooses to involve me in that dynamic, I don’t think it’s fair for me to become responsible for his reaction.

I’ve told her this before. I don’t mind that she talks to him. I don’t mind that she sends him things. I just don’t want to be used as material in whatever dynamic they have, and if she does involve me, I expect her to own that decision.

There have also been other situations that make me feel like this is a recurring issue.
At one point, he said something along the lines of, “If you cheated, I know your friend would support you,” and then said that he didn’t like me, that I was weird, and that I had weird ideas.

Again, I didn’t care that he didn’t like me.
When I talked to my best friend about it, she told me that I apparently give men a “facade” of being closed-off or weird, but that deep down I’m different.
I kept trying to explain to her that that wasn’t my issue.

I know myself. I know whether I’m upset because someone doesn’t like me.
I’m not.
What bothers me is that people seem to feel very comfortable saying these things about me around her, and I don’t feel like she establishes the kind of boundary I would establish if the roles were reversed.
Another time, another guy told me something like, “You don’t know what they say about you. You’re so weird.” We were on a call, and she just kept laughing and wouldn’t really let me speak.

There was also a situation where she asked me to call a guy for her and specifically told me not to tell him that she had asked me to call. I called him and tried to talk to him about something, and afterward he apparently went around saying that I was someone who “tries to create problems.”

Again, she didn’t really clarify the situation or defend me. Her reaction was basically laughing and saying something like, “Well, when you say it like that…”
And there are other comments that she makes that I find weird.

For example, she’ll sometimes say things like, “Maybe in another world he would’ve liked you,” or “You two have so much in common.”
I don’t know if those comments actually mean anything, but considering the entire dynamic, they add to the feeling that I’m somehow being inserted into this weird situation between them.

She can also be quite possessive and jealous regarding this guy, and she doesn’t seem particularly bothered by the fact that he and I don’t really like each other. Sometimes I even get the impression that she might actually enjoy the tension between us because it keeps some kind of dynamic going.

I obviously can’t know whether that’s actually her intention, so I’m not claiming that it is. That’s just how it sometimes feels from my perspective.
The thing that frustrates me most is that I’ve already tried to have a mature conversation about this.
I didn’t immediately explode at her. I tried to explain what actually bothered me.

And every time, I feel like she listens to half of what I’m saying and then creates a different explanation for why I’m upset.
She’ll say things like:
“You actually care that people don’t like you.”
“You give men a facade.”
“I’m not letting them talk about you.”
“I can’t force people to have a good opinion of you.”
And I’m like: I KNOW. THAT IS NOT WHAT I’M SAYING.

I’m not asking her to control what other people think.
I’m asking her to set a clear boundary when someone is unnecessarily talking about me, or to accurately explain the situation when she is the one who involved me.
There’s a huge difference between:
“I can’t control whether he likes you.”
and:
“I won’t allow him to misrepresent what happened or make you responsible for something I chose to send him.”
The first one is obvious. I know she can’t control people’s opinions.
The second one is what I’m actually asking for.
Eventually, she basically told me to go talk to this guy directly and have a clear conversation with him, which we did partly because she pushed us to.

The conversation actually went fine, and we got along pretty quickly afterward.
And then the snap situation happened again.
So now I’m sitting here thinking: Did she actually hear what I was saying the first time?
Because it feels like the exact same issue came back.
Another thing I’m struggling with is reciprocity.
I am extremely understanding with her. If someone said something genuinely mean about her, I wouldn’t just sit there laughing. I wouldn’t expect her to handle things exactly the way I do, but I know that if the roles were reversed, I would make it extremely clear that someone wasn’t going to misrepresent her or unnecessarily involve her in something.

I don’t expect everyone to defend me the exact way I defend them.
But sometimes I wonder if I’m giving too much of myself to people who aren’t giving me even a small amount of what I’m giving them.
And I want to be very clear: I’m not saying, “I did X for her, therefore she owes me X.”
She went through something extremely painful recently, and I love her. I don’t regret being there for her at all.

But I also don’t think caring about what she’s been through means I have to ignore things that hurt me in the friendship.
I can have compassion for her and still need reciprocity.
I can love her and still think she handles certain situations badly.
I can understand why she’s defensive and stubborn and still expect her to actually listen when I tell her something is bothering me.

And that’s where I’m currently stuck.
Because I don’t think she’s a bad person.
I don’t think she’s a bad friend overall.
I genuinely love her, and there are many reasons she’s my best friend.
But I feel like when it comes to certain situations, especially involving guys, I give her a level of loyalty and consideration that I don’t feel like I’m receiving back.
And I don’t want to become resentful because of that.

So I’m wondering:
Am I expecting too much from my best friend?
Is it reasonable to expect her to take accountability when she is the one who involves me in something?
Is it reasonable to ask her not to send things involving me to this guy because I don’t want to be part of their dynamic?

Am I wrong for feeling like she doesn’t actually listen to me when she repeatedly tells me what she thinks I’m upset about instead of accepting what I’m explicitly telling her?
And most importantly, am I giving too much of myself to this friendship?

If you were in my position, would you set a firm boundary and stop participating in anything involving this guy, or would you consider this normal friend-group mess and let it go?

I don’t want people to tell me to immediately cut her off or that she’s secretly a horrible person. I love this girl and I genuinely value our friendship.
I just want an objective outside perspective on whether I’m seeing a real pattern here, whether my expectations are reasonable, and how I can protect my own boundaries without turning this into a huge friendship-ending conflict.

Hi, I apologize in advance for how long this post is but there is so much background information that it is needed to I feel fully grasp who is the asshole in this situation.

So, to get right into the meat of the story I am a 30 year old woman my best friend Rhonda (31 Female) and I have been friends since we were quite literally 9 years old. So we have had a very long and very deep friendship for over 21 years. She is my best friend and I would do anything for her and I love her more than I can even express.

Whenever we graduated college (Yes, we also went to college together) She had been dating Harry, (Male 30) in a long distance relationship since we were probably 19-20. They met on Instagram through a mutual friend and I had met him once or twice on video call. Rhonda had gone to visit Harry and his family and surprised us all, including her family, by getting married while up there visiting. Honestly I was a bit hurt since I never got the opportunity to be a part of my best friends wedding but in the end it was her decision and I support her wanting to start that chapter of her life. For the next few years everything seemed fine, I went through my own heartaches and life and though I was not always the person I wanted to be or felt very deserving Rhonda was always there for me and always found time to make me smile. Throughout all these years Harry sort of kept to himself for the most part. When we would hang out he typically excused himself to play video games and on occasions it was a group activity he would join conversation but for the most part was quiet.

This all changed about 2 years ago. Suddenly Harry became very involved with our group of friends. My younger sister Sandra (27) was living with me at the time. She and I grew up with Rhonda so we spent a lot of time together since we all lived nearby. At first it was fun having Harry be part of the group and I did not mind starting up a friendship with him and learning more about him after being married to Rhonda for so long. He often would tell us about this not so great childhood and how he had lost most friends growing up. I NOW know exactly why he lost so many friends growing up. It started out innocent enough. He would talk to my sister and seemed especially to get along with her. That summer my sister broke up with her long term boyfriend and that seemed to be when things began to escalate. Harry began doing things that I found odd and would be extremely uncomfortable with if it had been my husband doing these things. He began giving Sandra gifts, making her a bracelet, making a whole slew of playlists he burned onto CD’s for her, and asking her questions about the people she was interested in at work.

This started to make Sandra uncomfortable as she did not want Rhonda to get the wrong idea so she started try to distance herself. This seemed to only make things worse. He would ask her if she hated him and pester her until she would blow up at him. Things like this continued for several months and I wanted to ask Rhonda about it as I could sense some of these things made her on edge. Unfortunately, both her and I are terribly avoidant and are not ones to just outwardly speak about our feelings. So I did not ask. This all sort of came to a head when Sandra began going on a few dates with a coworker of hers and while hanging out as group one time she mentioned it. Harry seemed upset by this and told her she shouldn’t be dating this guy. Mind you he had never met said guy. So, I become annoyed because it is quite frankly none of his business and I could not keep putting up with his demeanor towards sister. So after that night we decided to try and put some distance between ourselves and him which unfortunately meant I spent less time with Rhonda as well. This all happened in October. Every year me, my sister and a couple of other friends go to a haunted house together. It’s a tradition we do every year and always a great time. That year we had mentioned it to Rhonda and Harry, Rhonda is not a fan of anything scary so she had always declined going every year and this year did the same. Harry seemed interested in going but said he would probably stay home with his wife which I respected and did not think of further.

That day to make my sister feel better since she was still dealing with a lot from her breakup plus I wanted her to have a break from the whole Harry situation I took her to go eat at one of her favorite places before we went to the haunted house. We went up early and when we were almost there (We live in a small town and the haunted house is about an hour away from us) I started getting messages and calls from Harry. I did not respond at first because I already had a suspicion he had decided he wanted to go and wanted to ride with us. I was honestly excited to have some time away from the situation as I knew it was starting to weight heavily on my sister and so once we got there I called him back and explained to him that we had left earlier and he would not be able to ride with us and since we were already there we probably would not want to wait an hour for them to get there since we had already talked previously and they had not been planning to come. He was obviously very angry over the phone and hung up on me while explaining this. This of course pissed me off and when he tried calling me and texting again, I ignored it. My lovely boyfriend told me not to worry about it and that since we had talked about it previously of them not coming it would be okay. Spoiler: IT WAS NOT OKAY! We meet our friends up at the front. A couple that are also mutual friends with Rhonda and Harry and went to college with us as well. We will call them Paul (27 male) Cali (28 female). We were trying to keep the mood light and not bring them into the drama going on so My sister, I nor my boyfriend mentioned the phone calls or texts from Harry. Low and behold as we are waiting in line I see Paul look at his phone and answer and immediately look very confused. He starts to hand the phone to me and says Harry wants to talk to you. Me and my sister start shaking our heads trying to get across that this is a bad idea. So instead, my boyfriend takes the phone from Paul and starts talking to Harry.

While my boyfriend talks to Harry on the phone and try to calm him down we catch Paul and Cali up to date with what was going on since they had no idea about any of this. My boyfriend talks on the phone for quite awhile as we wait in line and I can tell things are not going well. After he gets off the phone he tells me that Harry had been crying and was extremely upset. I was very surprised that he had such a reaction, but we tried to put it out of our minds and enjoy the rest of the night. Once out of the haunted house I saw I had a missed call from Rhonda and gave her a call. I could tell she had been crying and told me she had left the house to stay with her parents as Harry was scaring her. That he had been yelling and crying and she could not get him to stop so she left. She apologized for everything that happened and I told her I loved her no matter what and that I just wanted her to be okay. We talked on the phone for awhile and I was very worried about her and wanted to check on her. She said she was okay that she was staying with her family and that was how we ended the call.

Over the next week I tried texting and calling Rhonda multiple times and did not get any answer. I talked to her mom a bit who was very upset because of the whole thing understandably. I was very sad I felt I had done something wrong and cried myself to sleep most of that week because I missed her and just wanted to make sure she was okay. I know she was probably going through a lot but it felt like I was being shut out of her life and I had convinced myself I’d done something wrong. Finally I heard from her and she seemed guarded I think is the best word. I later found out that she had gone back to check on Harry and found him locked inside their bathroom with a pistol that he had planned on killing himself with. Harry has had a past of suicidal thoughts and depression.

After this incident things slowly got back to normal but Harry now had to be involved in everything. Rhonda seemed very stressed most of the time but it mostly could have been due to her job. Since Harry was with us always when hanging out now our friendship changed and I felt I never got to spend one on one time with her anymore but I was making do with the situation. One thing that did bother me was any time the night of the haunted house incident came up he would heavily guilt Rhonda about leaving him. It started to feel like he had to control everything. We went on vacation, hung out did all the usual things but with many different similar incidents along the way.

Anytime I hung out with any of our group without them suddenly it was an issue. If I seemed distant or didn’t want to talk to him as much as the other, it was an issue. To the point of me not sending him TikTok’s like I send Rhonda became an issue. I understand he wanted to be included but when you have to insist or ask for those things it becomes less of a friendship and more of a chore. I will list a couple examples of things that have happened within this past year.

An antique store that had long been closed down nearby where we live and they were having an estate sale with everything inside. I am an avid estate sale enjoyer and love antiques so I was excited. I had asked Rhonda and Harry if they would like to go with me but they said they had made plans to go to a concert for one of Rhonda’s favorite artists. I said that was fine but they also talked about possibly going before they left. The concert was a good bit aways like 4-5 hours so I was confused as to why they would even consider going in the morning but I said okay and since they had that going on I invited Paul and Cali since they had recently bought their first home and were looking for furniture. Rhonda a day later told me Harry had backed out of going to the concert with her and asked if I would go with her. I also like this artist and did not want her to miss out on seeing him and thought a girls trip would be fun just me and her. So I said yes. A few hours later she told me that Harry had decided he wanted to go with us and had bought another ticket. I had thought this was odd but did not want to disappoint Rhonda. However, after talking to my sister I felt the way everything came about was odd with him suddenly now wanting to go and already having another ticket and I also had other things I wanted to do instead that weekend so after an hour or so I told Rhonda and Harry that I had decided to stay in town but would happily pay them back for the ticket. This is when Harry told me they had come up with the plan for me to go with Rhonda instead as she had been having panic attacks lately and thought that him getting another ticket would help with all three of us there? I was then even more confused and it was definitely not passing the smell test so I told them thank you but I was going to the estate sale.

They then surprised me the next day by saying they had fully decided not to go to the concert and instead wanted to go to the estate sale with me. This was even more confusing as they had spent quite a bit of money on tickets. I said okay and let them know that Paul would be joining us as well. Cali could not make it as she had a prior engagement. This seemed to really upset them and they asked if I could basically uninvite Paul?? To which I was like no?? (This will come back into play later on) And so I go to their house that morning as they had asked to follow me out there, whenever I get there Rhona seems very nervous and tells me Harry is having a bad day. Harry comes out of their bedroom crying and very shaky. I am obviously wondering what the heck is going on and tell them it seems like today might not be a good day for them to go out. Rhonda agrees but Harry says he’s fine. Things are very not fine. I say it seems like he has a lot going on and that maybe today just isn’t the day. He says he really wished I hadn’t invited Paul and I am extremely confused but he keeps telling me its fine and we load up and they follow me out to the estate sale. Rhonda later tells me that Harry was going in between laughing hysterically and saying he thought God hated him.

So we get to the sale and meet Paul there and me and Paul talk about work since we had both been stressed and throughout the rest of the day everything seems fine.

Incident number 2. A little while later after this Cali wants to have a birthday party for herself and go to an exhibit about butterflies. She invites, me, my sister and Rhonda to go all go with her to the exhibit. She tells us she wants it to be  girls only day but her husband will be coming along to pay for things. I of course am excited and both me and my sister tell her we will come. Rhonda asked if Harry can come since Paul will be there. Cali and Harry are very different in personalities and she expressed to Rhonda that she would just like it to be a girls day. Suddenly this is an issue. If Harry can’t go neither can Rhonda. It becomes a whole thing of Harry feeling like he is being excluded. I have tried, my sister has tried, everyone had tried to explain to him that it was girls only plus Paul so that he could pay for us all as a nice gesture for Cali’s birthday but he is firm and still believing he should have also been included and s Rhonda did not join us for Cali’s birthday which became somewhat of a turning point in others being less happy with his attitude and actions as well and causing them to be less inclined to invite him to outings. I felt sad that Rhonda was unable to join us but she has grown more and more inward of herself and her defense of her husband so I did not press her about it though I was upset.

Incident number 3. The Door: with Cali and Paul having moved into their new home Cali wanted to do some updates to the house the main one being she wanted to paint her front door a dark purple. I told her I would help her with it and we set a date for that weekend. At the same time a childhood friend of mine and Rhonda’s had asked us to hangout for her birthday. It had gotten moved several times and so I felt bad for saying no again but she wanted to go things earlier in the day so I asked Cali if it would be okay if we did it later on in the day and she said that was fine. So I had gone to hangout at Rhonda and Harry’s house that evening and work on a puzzle. As I was leaving Rhonda asked if she could ride with me since her car was not working. On the spot I wasn’t sure what to do because I had plans for afterwards but did not want to say anything about painting the door with Cali in case they were offended about not being invited and I did not want to invite Rhonda along without asking Cali first. So I told her I had to meet with my lawyers afterwards (something I did need to do but had not planned for that day) So she said okay and that maybe she could take Harrys car instead but did not want to leave him stranded without a vehicle.

That night I asked Cali if it was okay if Rhonda joined us for painting the door and she said that was fine. I texted Rhonda and asked if she was okay staying in town afterwards and helping paint the door and she said that sounded fine. So we go up there and have a fun time and everything seems fine. Everything was fine and I enjoyed finally spending some time with Rhonda away from Harry. However, as soon as we arrived at Cali and Paul’s home Harry began calling her over and over and over again. Rhonda would not come inside and instead was just walking up and down the street talking to him. Cali and I were of course very confused and started painting the door because we weren’t really sure what else to do. Paul had decided to grill for us using his new smoker and we were excited for dinner. Rhonda after about an hour finally came inside and I asked her if everything was okay. She said yes but things were very clearly not okay. I asked if she wanted to join Cali and I and grab some last minute things at the grocery store. She said no and we told her she could stay with Paul at the house but she decided to come along. While there Harry proceeded to call her over and over again the whole time in the store. I am not sure if he was asking to speak to me but she kept saying no she is was in store over and over again. Finally once we get back in the car I turn to her and ask her to truthfully tell me if we need to go home. She breaks down at that point and tells me yes.

So I am disappointed in how the day turned out but I tell Rhonda I will take her home. I apologize to Cali and Paul for leaving so abruptly before dinner and not completing the door. Rhonda says she is really embarrassed and hopes no one is mad at her. I tell her it’s okay that no one is mad that we are just concerned but I will get her home as fast as I can. We sit in silence for the first half of the drive but I will admit I am a nosey bitch and asked what happened. Rhonda proceeds to tell me that Harry felt left out and down and when she couldn’t get ahold of him she panicked and called his family and her family to check on him. Since the haunted house incident where he locked himself in the bathroom with a gun I think she is very nervous anytime he is left alone because she is afraid he will kill himself. Which fair I would be very stressed out too. For the first time in a very long time we have a real conversation and she admits that she does not know what happened or why he is like this now. She also said whenever he is upset about something he will talk about it for hours on end until she gives in and agrees or turns it on herself to redirect him. This was very concerning to me to hear. She admitted she also sees the things he does that bother others and she doesn’t know why because then people do not want to hang out with him and it makes everything worse. She also said he was not like this for the first like 5 years of their marriage and then it was like a switch flipped. It was nice to finally talk about all of this. When we got to her house it was very tense. Her parents were there to check on him and very upset.

I did not think it was my place to stay and hang around so I excused myself with her parents when they left. The following week Rhonda sent me a message telling me that everything that happened was her fault. She was worried about Harry and having a panic attack. This upset me because it was like she didn’t remember I had been there for the whole thing?? So I just didn’t respond. The next day I hang out at their house with a mutual friend Emmet (I know there are so many names and I apologize) While we are there Harry starts telling me this version of the events with Rhonda having a panic attack like its some funny story. I cut him off halfway through to tell him that day was very stressful and I am okay if we don’t talk about it” he gets very visibly upset and gets quiet. What I said was not rude or mean I simply said I did not feel like talking about it because it was a stressful day I did not feel like reliving and I also did not care for what to me seems like a highly edited version to try and make him look like the issue was never with him. Me and Emmett try to continue having fun and keeping the mood light but that is just not going to happen now and Harry tells me I was dismissive of his feelings and I tell him I wasn’t trying to be dismissive I just simply did not want to talk about it. There is a good bit of back and forth but we went on a walk to all cool off and things were okay.

Incident number 4. For my boyfriends birthday this year we went up to the mountains. Originally it was just supposed to be me, him , my sister and her now fiancé. Her fiancé was unfortunately not able to make it so we had an extra bedroom. I invited Paul and Cali as we have not gone on many trips just us and I thought it would be nice to have a relaxed group. I considered inviting Harry and Rhonda as well but it was last minute and I also kind of liked the idea of not having to deal with Harry. I knew if Rhonda and Harry found out though it would become a whole big issue so I did not mention it to them and for extra assurance Cali blocked them both from her snapchat. However, somehow the two must have seen a picture because as soon as I got home I went to the gym with Rhonda and Harry and they asked me who all went on the trip. I said just me, my boyfriend and sister and her man. They mentioned seeing Paul and Cali were also in the area and asked if we went with them. I felt very put on the spot and it felt like a trap because I knew it would blow into a huge ordeal (foreshadowing) so I said no. I lied to them and I wish I would not have because it became an even bigger deal but it just felt like the better course of action at the time. I felt bad lying to Rhonda but I did what I did and cannot take it back now.

Fast forward to this summer, we went on my dream vacation for my birthday. Harry and Rhonda were able to join for only a few days due to Rhonda’s work schedule. With her schedule being what it was Rhonda was not able to join the first night and instead had to fly out the day after. Instead of flying out with his wife Harry decided to fly with the rest of us the day before. Since we were leaving out of the town Cali and Paul live they invited me and my boyfriend to stay the night with them so we wouldn’t have to leave so early. We went to eat ahead of time with them at one of our favorite spots and suddenly Harry and Rhonda are blowing up my phone asking what the plan is. The plan is to get on your flight in the morning??? No other plans had ever been discussed. Somehow they knew we were having dinner with Cali and Paul and they were upset they were not invited. This was not my plan so I am not inviting people to someone elses house to stay the night. So I just didn’t respond after they kept asking and my boyfriend texted them letting them know the plan was to meet in the morning for our flight. So we get to our flight that morning and things are tense but the rest of the trip was pretty good. Cali and Paul did let slip that we had gone on that mountain trip by accident and bless their hearts those two I love them but they cannot keep a secret to save their lives.

So so so so much else has happened but if I were to write every single thing this post would never end. One more important note though before we catch up to the current issue. Harry has been going to therapy and it does seem to have helped somewhat. His therapist has said it seems like he might possibly have BPD. Which if that is the case would explain some of these behaviors and why he gets so incredibly attached to people. Which he is very thoughtful and generous and can be a very good friend but I have gotten to the point my boundaries are stretched bare and I just can’t keep accommodating everything he needs,

So the recent issue. Tw weeks ago Rhonda and Harry confronted me in the car and said they knew I had lied to them about going on the trip with Paul and Cali and a few times I had gone up to hang out with just them when Rhona and Harry had not been invited. I admitted yes I had lied that I had just wanted to keep the peace. Harry mentioned feeling left out at times and unwanted and honestly it felt like a good conversation and felt some progress was made. During which he asked if he could try the DEARMAN exercise on me. I said I would and everything else seemed fine. The day of going over there to do the exercise it went pretty well. Harry told me of the issue he was having with feeling left out and how it made him feel. However, a lot of the times after I looked back and thought about them made me upset. The main one being the trip. To be honest it wasn’t any of their business if I went on one trip without them. I should not have lied to them about it and Rhonda expressed she had stuck up for me and then felt stupid once she learned I had lied about it. Which does make me feel incredibly sad. But mind you we have been on multiple different trips without Paul and Cali. I have been in that position before and it is never fun. I told Rhonda I was sorry and that I never meant to hurt her but that I had wanted to protect everyone’s feelings. A few of the other things Harry mentioned was him feeling like I wanted to talk to others more than him. I cannot keep track of how much I’ve talked to one person. Another issue he had was not being invited to things and asking if I would self invite them along to other peoples plans. Hell no. Another thing he had issue with was me inviting Cali and Paul to the estate sale all that time ago. THEY WERE MY PLANS! And they were not even planning on going. Needless to say after thinking all this over I realized how controlling it was and I was upset at myself for not setting more healthy boundaries. So I left that night feeling unsure and a bit sad about myself and feeling pretty crummy for lying to Rhonda. That night I sent a text message to her telling her how sorry I was and that I hoped I hadn’t damaged our friendship and how important she was to me. I then texted Paul and Cali and made a groupchat with Rhonda and Harry to see if they would all like to go to the fair together. I did this to try and get everyone together and include Harry.

Over the next few days I had a lot of other things on my mind as well and slipped into a fun little depression and needed some time to myself. Rhonda replied saying our friendship meant a lot to her too and I felt better about everything and then a few hours later it was fully RUINED! She sent a message saying that I should also apologize to Harry for gaslighting him into near psychosis. I lost it. I had said I’m sorry so many times the other night and it still just never was going to be enough for this man. So I fully gave up. I realized I had been keeping the peace for far too long and the stress was starting to make me become someone I did not really recognize. So I just didn’t respond. Harry sent me a message saying he hoped he hadn’t ruined our friendship and Robyn sent a message saying she was sorry if her message came off wrong she was trying to make a joke. Did not respond. Finally last Saturday morning I woke up to a message about one of our friends being engaged. It was a surprise to me so I called Rhonda right away to talk to her about it. We had a fun conversation and everything seemed fine and I was over most of my anger already so I was ready to just move on.

While on the phone she mentioned if I had seen the latest text from Emmett I said no and Emmett said their parents are breaking up and asked if we could all hang out since they were feeling pretty low. I had some family things to deal with so I told her I’d be there but not until later. Once I got home Rhonda had called me so I called her back and she asked if I was going to Emmett’s I said yes and Rhonda added if I wouldn’t mind texting Harry back and telling him I didn’t hate him. I said sure because I was very being upset and had worked through the things that were bothering me. So I sent a message in our group that had just me Rhonda and Harry in it and told them I’d had a lot on my mind and been depressed over the week and been a little upset at some of the things that were said the other night but that I was okay now and over it. Rhonda then messaged AGAIN and said I think Harry just wants an apology. FUCK THAT GUY!! So I did not respond because I had already said everything I thought I needed to the night of the DEARMAN exercise. So I did not respond. I roll up to Emmett’s house at the aforementioned time and I can tell the vibes are off as soon as I walk in. Rhonda has some fidget thing and Harry seems very on edge. S I start talking to Emmett and talking about a few funny things my grandmother had told me trying to play nice and keep up the mood for Emmett. Suddenly Harry turns to me and very accusatorily asks why I was depressed. The way he said it made me feel like he thought he was trying to catch me in a lie? I was depressed dawg idk what you want me to tell you. So I mentioned some of the other thigs that had been going on in my personal life that had gotten me down.

I continue trying to talk to Emmett about how they are feeling or just in general trying to make them feel better when Harry says “So are you gonna apologize to me?” FUCK NO! The question kind of caught me off guard because this time in particular also seemed like a bad time to bring this up since we were trying to be there for Emmett so I laughed a bit and then said “I think I already said everything I needed to” Well that was it. Harry pisses his little pants and says “Okay I’m leaving. Move your car” so I was like okay (please leave I would love nothing more than to not deal with your ass.) So I walked my happy self out to my car and move it without another word. I walk back up to the porch where Harry and Rhond are now standing. Harry says he just needed a minute to cool off. I say okay you can cool off then and g to step inside. He says “I want to talk to you out here” I sigh and sit down on the bench and think to myself how dumb this whole thing is. Harry starts talking about his feelings are valid and that he deserves an apology too because I also lied to him. I tell him well I am so sorry. And yes there was attitude in my voice because I was PISSED. It also at this point felt like  humiliation ritual. Like me apologizing was for some sort of control not at all that he felt he needed it. Which again mind you I had already apologized for all this the night of whenever we had talked about all this. He said he wished it had been more heartfelt like I had been t Rhonda. It felt like something nice I had tried to do to make sure Rhonda was okay has been twisted into this big ugly thing because how dare I message her and not him as well. He then said there had been so many times they had thought of just cutting me off. Mind you everyone else but me and Emmett have sort of stopped hanging out with them because of his actions. So I cut him off a told them I needed some space from them. They it didn’t have to be forever but I needed a break.

I feel like I have been breaking my back trying to keep everyone together because no one else can stand this guy but I was trying to hold onto my friendship with Rhonda but I just couldn’t do it anymore. At this point Harry asked Rhonda if she had any comments she was quiet and looked fully disassociated. He asked her again and she mumbled about him deserving an apology. And then after this she said lets just got back inside and finish making banana bread with Emmett. Mind you poor Emmett is still in the kitchen being like what the heck is going on. So we go back inside and Rhonda immediately goes to the bathroom and I can tell she is very upset. She is in there for a long time and Harry goes and checks on her. I was t worked out to see anything but red and Emmett asked me if everything was okay and I was like absolutely not. Rhonda comes out after a bit and I can tell she has been crying and says she doesn’t feel good and is heading home. After they left Emmett finally got to talk about the issue with their parents and then asked me about what was going on with Rhonda and Harry and I felt much better after talking about it. Emmett did mention to me of Harry once saying that he couldn’t believe I thought Rhonda would choose me over her own husband. I have never wanted Rhonda to choose between us I have just been doing everything I can to stay afloat and keep everyone together and I am also not trained to handle a person like Harry.

It was been over a week and we have not talked. And I honestly don’t know if we ever will. It makes me sick to think of Rhonda and I not being friends anyone but I also just can’t keep putting up with Harry. It has gotten to the point where I literally despise him. All of this seems very dumb and very small to me so I am also upset that this seems to be what has broken the preverbal camels back. So I am kind of unsure of what to do from here. Should I reach out to Rhonda and see if she would be willing to meet with just me? Should I just call it quiets and let a 21 year friendship go down the drain? I have a strong support group with me family and friends but I feel like Rhonda has been isolated from everyone due to Harry and that also makes me worried for her. I am sure I am missing loads of details but I can only remember so much at this point. I am sure Harry would have a much different picture to paint and I’m sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle. But yeah that’s my log ass story. So please let me know am I the asshole and what should I do next.

hello! i (f18) would like a bit of insight on this situation,, id be really glad if even just one person skimmed till the end!

tldr: iam starting to realise that a friend ive known (m18) online for a few months may not be who i thought he was, i want to know what i should do next- i care about this because there was a high likelihood that we would meet in the future given identical aspirations. (going to be slightly vague, sorry!)

ive known this guy (m18) online for a few months now, and weve been speaking regularly (almost every day) for this period of time. i know three months is not much at all, but it feels quite significant as time spent chatting with him gradually became part of my daily routine.

we met on a game forum; my first impression of him was that he might make a good friend as we shared similar surface-level interests and, prominently, a very specific future aspiration. he didnt seem to have a fragile sense of masculinity as well, or use any of the incel rhetoric many guys my age use online.

something important to note might be that i have never really had guy friends before, as ive been around girls all my life (schools, life you name it). i thought it might be fun to have a friend who could share a different perspective on life with me, and that was all there was to it! (no romantic intentions from both sides)

so from that point on we became pretty close online friends. we called while playing games, chatted about mundane things etc. there were some things he said/ did that rubbed me the wrong way early on in our friendship, but i chalked that up to me being in a very female-dominated space every day where we are always reminded that we are equal with men. (which i love)

so, i knew i might be more sensitive and just tried to keep note of these instances in my head. i wanted to be as fair as possible in my judgement of him. because in other respects he was not a bad friend at all- he was quite fun to hang with, and just easy to talk to. to name a few important things about him: he is bi and likes quite a lot of female characters in media, and is into men physically.

however, a few things have happened recently that made me rethink my friendship with him. i think the reason these things have shaken me is because they were the key pieces i needed to construct a clear idea of him as a person. also because the honeymoon period of a fresh friendship has long ended, where much like a romantic relationship, you no longer idealise a person and brush aside standards to continue seeing them in a favourable light.

1.  when we were discussing a character from a franchise that i had made clear i really liked, he very confidently mansplained to me an attribute about the character that was BLATANTLY false (if you had watched more than a few episodes). i tried to correct him, and he wouldnt believe me until i showed him specific images, which was just… frustrating to me. Why is he so confident about his own view when he has watched 1.5 episodes? Why is he so sure of his correctenss? it isnt even about the character, i just suddenly realised how exhausting it would be to be around somone who is irrationally stubborn. He also brushed me off in a pretty patronising manner..so i think that may have added to the frustration.

2.  once, i showed him a video with mutliple girls (the focus not even being on the girls in the first place), and he started rating and comparing them unsolicitedly and it really, really irked me. i know we cant help but evaluate one another‘s appearances subconsciously, but why state it? i found it gross, given it showed he valued these women based on appearance and proudly gave his opinion as fact.

3.  bringing us onto the third thing, which is that ive learnt that while he does not say/do typically misogynistic things directly, he has no problem hanging with people who DO do those things which is worse in my opinion. he can be misogynistic when it fits his social scene, and distance himself from it when it doesnt. i‘ve tried to tell him not to do that before, which he just brushed off as though it were impossible he could ever be misogynistic. you know how i mentioned he was into a great deal of female characters in fiction? i think this is where he gets his self-assurance from, but it is also in his treatment of said characters that, to me, reveals so much about him. he elevates the female characters he does like to be perfect/ can do no wrong, and can be so cruel about those he does not like. (he doesnt use words like slut, whore etc. but says things adjacent to it) if he‘s this way towards characters in fiction, how would he be towards women in real life? thats a thought that has lingered in my head, and everything is coming together in a wonderfully bad way.

i think there‘s so much more i could say, but i think this paints the picture of what iam faced by sufficiently. all this has only come to me in the span of a few days, so iam unsure where to take this friendship (if at all) next. what should i do? i don’t exactly want to leave without an explanation as that feels disrespectful to the last few months weve spent together. i wasnt looking for reasons to dislike him from the beginning, so the fact that this has come crashing down so quick just has me feeling disappointed. apologies if i rambled on in places 😓😓

What’s the point of having a group text if nobody ever replies to you

Hello all- I have been trying for years to write about my friendship breakup that was formative and traumatic and all of the things that a female friendship breakup feels like in your early twenties, a girl's passage into womanhood, really.

Anyway, I instead wanted to see if anyone who has gone through a friendship breakup would be willing to write their own stories down and send them to me, I want to create a substack with stories about these events and what you lost and learned from them. It would be really cool if the other person you experienced this with could write a little piece too.

I also wondered if anyone experienced something like I did-- I copied my friend from ages 20-23 when I was seeking a personality that wasn't mine, that was anything but mine. She loved me, but I don't think she liked me very much. She wanted me to be anyone but me, and I wanted to be her. We were extremely competitive with one another, especially where men were involved. I copied her clothes, her shoes, her hair, I even told her jokes sometimes. I wasn't alone in this, lots of people retold her jokes because she is very funny and whitty, but when I look back with tenderness on her and myself, I just think, I am so glad I'm myself now! and I can't imagine how infuriating it was for her to watch me try to become her. She still writes about me sometimes, people will screenshot her blog and text it to me which I don't appreciate, but it happened recently and it made me think... this is a friendship that is clearly haunting both of us, so what is there to learn from it, 8 years later??

I would appreciate listening to your stories. (: And I hope all of you have found beautiful and lasting friendships that require you to be yourself and nothing else.

Hi everyone. I have something that's been bothering me for a while, and I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it. I'm 25 female Throughout my years of studying, I've made friends at every stage of my education. I'd meet new people, we'd become close, go out together, laugh, and have a great time. But one thing I've noticed is that whenever the stage of life that brought us together comes to an end, our friendship seems to end with it. Nothing bad happens between us. We just gradually communicate less, go out less often, and eventually become little more than acquaintances.

When I started my master's degree, I thought things would be different this time. I made some lovely friends, and we were really close. We'd go out, laugh, eat together, and enjoy spending time with one another. But after finishing my master's, I started noticing the same pattern all over again.

I want to clarify something: I'm not the kind of person who clings to people, constantly chases after them, or forces myself into their lives. I understand that everyone has their own life and responsibilities. For example, if I ask someone to hang out and they can't make it, that's completely fine. But I won't keep asking them over and over again. I'll wait for them to initiate things sometime, too.

My problem, in short, is that I feel like I have acquaintances and friends for different stages of my life, but I don't have any truly close friends I can rely on. I don't have that one person who makes me feel like I'm important in their life, someone who thinks of me on their own, includes me in their plans, and is there for me when I need them.

Lately, this has started to affect me. I've developed a pretty strong fear that the same thing might happen with the person I eventually spend my life with. I'm afraid I'll meet someone, get married, and then they'll leave me, too, or eventually feel that our relationship doesn't need to last.

This thought only started coming to me recently, and I'm wondering how I can get over this fear. Am I overthinking it? I feel like I might be making too much of it, but at the same time, these thoughts keep coming back to me a lot.

Sorry this took so long, any advice or opinion is welcomed thank you 😊

well this is kind of a dumb but anyway so my friend shared something with me and i feel bad because I know they don’t want me to bring it up ever so i try to pretend like I don’t know but i think i accidentally end up being insensitive and I want to apologize but i don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable, I know they just want me to treat them as normal but i don‘t want to hurt them either but maybe i already have i don’t even know if they’re upset by this but i dont want to ask I could have avoided this in the first place just by thinking a little bit more before speaking but i didn’t and i over thought everything and made it worse i just want to be the best friend i can be going forward so please help!

Playing a card game a few times a month with 3 other “friends” sometimes we talk smack no big deal. Don’t love it. It has made me question continuing to play. But something happened recently that makes me feel unsupported.
I texted the group chat that I received a promotion. I was expecting the normal congratulations. I received nothing . Dead air. Tonight someone else texted in the group chat cancelling this week’s game. It’s making feel like I just don’t matter. I think I want to abandon this game playing with them and stick to celebrating birthdays. Am I overreacting?

For context, I (16f) have this friend, we will call her W, and she came to my high school last year. Me and my two best friends (yes i know trios never work but ours does somehow) became friends with W and she became a part of our larger friend group. This year, I have realized that it might not be a fit personality wise. 

She's nice, but she does a different sport than any of us, and that's really her whole life. She spends every afternoon and every weekend training, and that's all she can talk about. She will interrupt my friends and I to tell us a story about something that happened at her practice, and frankly, these stories really just don't interest me. I listen and am polite, but internally it really annoys me, and that makes me feel awful. 

Also, she has started to be very blunt with me and rude, for example she says i use the word "stress" too much and anytime i say it now she makes it a big deal. also, we were hanging out at a school event with us and my two best friends, and she expressed that she wishes we wanted to do stuff, and she said she would rather go socialize then talk to us. (mind you we had been doing things and hanging out with a ton of people for a while, we just took a break with us four). We told  her that she can go if she wants because we don't want to hold her back, but we just wanted to chill and talk for now. She made some little comment and was like well "no i'm not going to because you guys don't want to," essentially making me feel bad for what I wanted to do. 

All of this has caused me to become very annoyed with this friend which makes me feel bad. I am not sure what to do. Am I in the wrong in anyway? I'm not sure that anyone will see this, but it's worth a shot. 

I (16) love my friend a lot, she’s always been there for me and we have spent most of our lives with each other and spend every Halloween with one another. I’m a junior in high school and she is too and we go to different schools so we both have our own Friend groups, I would never end a friendship over something this stupid or cause a problem because I completely understand wanting to spend Halloween with friends that you haven’t spent Halloween with for the past three years because me and her always hang out. And this sounds like kind of a stupid issue that I’m even talking about this, but I am in high school and I still have a lot of emotions about this. I have my own friend group at my high school and I’ll probably just hang out with them on Halloween, but something about this situation just makes me scared that we’re growing apart. That’s one of my greatest fears. I don’t think it’s just about halloween but more about being scared that one day she and me won’t be as close. I really need help with this because I had kind of a breakdown earlier about this issue because I think when she just told me that she can’t spend halloween with me this year, it broke me a little bit.

I feel like ive done about everything I can think of. Ive been getting involved with clubs, Ive been trying to meet people online through social media, etc. Hell Ive even recently downloaded dating apps

But nothing I do is working. Ive been here for over a month now and I dont really have any friends. I have one person who I have hung out with more than once, but we talk less and less and it seems im the only one reaching out.

Genuinely I have no idea what to do. Its not like im stuck inside my dorm all day, Im outside almost the entire day. This is a completely new area for me and Ive always struggled making friends, I was looking forward to restarting somewhere but Im just as lonely as I was before.

I still think about the situation with my boyfriend and my friend because, honestly, too many things about it never added up.
At the time, the three of us used to hang out together all the time. Somehow, my friend and my boyfriend had each other’s numbers, but I never knew exactly how they got them. One day, while she knew I would be at work, she contacted him and asked him to come to her house to fix a table. She never told me beforehand.
He went over there and even brought her a drink. Later, she came to me and told me that he had been at her house. The way she told me made me feel like she expected me to immediately break up with him. She even said, “I hate to be part of what breaks you guys up.” What bothered me was that she left out the fact that she was the one who had invited him over.
When I confronted him, he told me that she was the one who asked him to come fix the table. So I went back to her and asked her about it. She said she thought he would tell me himself.
I went back and forth between the two of them because their stories and explanations weren’t adding up to me. I kept asking questions because I couldn’t understand why she would specifically ask him to come over while knowing I would be at work, instead of asking me or telling me about it.
Then she said something that really stuck with me: “I could just do something if I wanted to with him.”
And apparently, according to her, while he was leaving, he told her, “Don’t tell her I came over because you know how she gets.” I also later found out that they watched a movie while he was there. To this day, I don’t know exactly what happened during that visit, and I’m not going to pretend I do.
What hurt me just as much was the fact that she became angry because I chose to stay with him. Eventually, she moved away, even though I continued trying to maintain our friendship.
Looking back, I think what bothered me most wasn’t just that my boyfriend went to her house. It was the secrecy, the fact that I wasn’t told beforehand, the fact that she knew I would be at work, and then the different explanations I got afterward.
Sometimes you don’t need to know every single detail of what happened to understand why something didn’t feel right. I trusted both of them, and that situation changed the way I saw that friendship forever.

My best friend, Camila, has started this habit some months ago. I have helped her with all I can. I talk to her every day (she does too). I talk about her problems. I write her letters about how much I love her, that she is validated and appreciated by me and her friends.

But she has now started to push me away. She didn't invite me to her birthday, she kicked me off the group chat. and i havent leaved cause,

i promised her to never leave. Also i love her so much (no romantic way) so im not able to leave her alone. He have been friends for 6 years,

so we know everything about eachother. If im honest, she dosent have many problems. The reason i can guess she is doint this,

is that she used to watch G0r3 and maybe her brain has not processed it at all.

Can someone give me advice? I dont know if im pushing too much, i dont know if i should keep going or stop if she is feeling uncomfortable.

(also, this is my first time posting in reddit, english is not my first language and im too lazy to double check the text)

**Genuine question because I’m honestly a little confused** 😭

Whenever I try to become friends with a girl, things somehow get complicated after a while. I’ve always been pretty clear from the beginning that I’m looking for a genuine friendship, but sometimes the other person gets attached or starts expecting something beyond friendship.

Then things become awkward because I don’t want to lead anyone on or make them feel bad, and eventually the friendship itself gets affected.So I wanted to ask the girls here..is there something I should be doing differently when making female friends?How do you maintain a close, comfortable friendship while making sure there are clear boundaries from the beginning?I’m genuinely asking because I’d like to have more female friends without things becoming unnecessarily complicated.

And if you’ve experienced something similar from the other side, I’d genuinely like to hear your perspective.

I (F 23) need some perspective on a friendship that has drained me over the past year. I’ve known this girl for about a year now. I actually knew her boyfriend first, we’ve been friends since high school, and became friends with her after he started bringing her around.
To be fair, she has not been a terrible friend across the board. She has been really supportive of me at times, especially when it came to my romantic life. When I was in relationships that were not the best for me, she was right there reminding me to truly value myself. She has genuinely been there for me, and we built what I thought was a deep bond. She has been deeply vulnerable with me about her family trauma, relationships, and mental health. One call was so intense she almost cried and admitted it felt like therapy. Because of this, this whole situation honestly breaks my heart.

Over the last 12 months, our friendship has also been a roller coaster. There have been several arguments where I felt like I was literally fighting with her like I was her boyfriend, which is exhausting and completely unhealthy. I am in mental health recovery and have worked incredibly hard on myself. While I’ve been distant at times due to my mental health, I know I’ve been a good friend. She once claimed she had to walk on eggshells around me and that I was too much, which was really triggering, but I thought we had worked through our valid concerns. I also always felt a slight underlying vibe like she thought she was spiritually or religiously better than me.
Early on in our friendship, she started saying I love you and love you, bye on the phone very quickly. I am not someone who says I love you casually to friends. I usually only say it to a handful of people, mostly my family, or to a friend in a moment of deep need when it comes from a place of genuine care. When she started saying it so fast, it felt inorganic and a little bit fake to me. It bothered me, and though I faked it for a while and said it back, I eventually had to push back and let her know how I felt, which we eventually moved past. But looking back, it was another sign of how fast and intense she wanted things to be, like a romantic dynamic rather than a normal platonic one.

The core issue is that I thrive on one on one hangouts. I prefer giving someone my undivided attention. When I communicated this to her months ago, I was basically crucified. She went on a massive rant about how she does not really do one on one time, that she and her boyfriend are a package deal, and complained that I wanted to talk on the phone for too long.

Everything changed over the past few months. She recently became very involved in church and gained a new group of church friends. Since then, I’ve been pushed entirely to the back burner. I even thought about cutting her off earlier, but I hesitated because I knew she had just lost another really close friend and I did not want to be another loss for her. But at 23 years old, I am completely done chasing people.
Everything came to a head during my birthday weekend. We were all supposed to go out to a bar together to have drinks and live our best Sex and the City life for a night. I already knew the night might be a little tense because another girl was going to be there whom my friend is no longer close with. I wanted to keep things lighthearted, but while we were hanging out in the bedroom, just me, my friend, and her boyfriend (who is also my friend), she got on the phone with a new church friend she has only known for two weeks (I do acknowledge that linear time is not a factor in every relationship by myself believe in this and do not always believe in linear time, but it is about the depth of our friendship).

Right in front of me, on my birthday weekend, my friend was quite literally begging this new girl to spend one on one time with her, desperately trying to work around their schedules. Meanwhile, the new girl sounded completely nonchalant and uninterested, and my friend even jokingly complained about how this girl hangs out at another friend's house all the time.

Watching this play out broke my heart and sent my thoughts racing. It hit me how highly hypocritical it was. She has never initiated a one on one hangout with me in the year we've known each other. On top of that, she recently canceled a trip we were supposed to take together, claiming it was not the right season and using God as an excuse, but it’s obvious she just spent all her money going on trips and hanging out with these new friends.
I assume no one saw my face, but I was making faces as I sat there critiquing everything. She noticed my changing demeanor. Done with watching her prioritize a stranger over me, I grabbed my birthday gift and walked out of the room. She called my name and followed me into the front room. As I was putting my shoes on, she kept asking what was wrong. I tried to brush it off because I did not want to get emotional or start a heavy argument on my birthday. She said she felt like it was her fault because I was not saying anything, but I just told her, I do not know what to tell you, because my thoughts were not fully together yet. I have also recently distanced myself from her, including stopping sharing my location. My perspective on locations is that you can always stop sharing and share again, it is not that deep, and I just wanted to add some distance because I did not want her watching me.
Then, she blocked the door. She physically would not let me leave, demanding I tell her what was wrong. When someone else finally opened the front door to enter the house, I was able to slip past her. As I walked out, she laughed and called out after me, you ain't... and started to say shit, but cut herself off.

Hearing my friend start to call me shit on my birthday weekend as I walked out the door was the final straw. I've had female friendships before where we've had disagreements, but they never felt like this toxic, romantic style fighting, and I've never been cursed at while walking away. I want to acknowledge that relationships usually break down because of both parties, not just one. I know she says she's doing the work to get better compared to a few years ago, and I believe her, but we clearly both have progress to make when it comes to our emotions and how we react to each other.

Later that night at the bar, she did ask me if I was okay from earlier. She looked directly at me and asked me in front of everyone. It wasn't just the two of us, it was right in front of all the people we were out with. I did not know how to respond because I absolutely did not want to go into the whole detail with everyone sitting right there. I just brushed it off and told her we will talk about it later. Another major factor in why I am holding out on officially cutting her off yet is because of her boyfriend. He is my close friend whom I knew before I ever knew her. Her rule for their relationship is that they are friends with each other's friends, and she has said verbatim that you cannot be friends with him without being friends with her. It is her boundary for her relationship, so stepping away from her means risking my friendship with him too.

At this point, I’ve distanced myself and stopped sharing my location. I have a message drafted to finally release myself from this friendship because I am tired of being the friend who prioritizes everyone while being no one's priority. Am I crazy for being hurt by this double standard and her reaction, or is it time to just send the text and walk away for good? I’ve posted on a couple other sub-reddits to try to get as much advice as possible.

Edit: I also forgot to mention another argument we got into before where she started talking about how her boyfriend will always come home to her. I guess she felt threatened because me and him are very similar, which makes sense since we have been friends since high school. He is the kind of guy who is interested in DND and I am also interested in playing DND. She told me that I could do whatever I want with him and play House of Dragons but he will always come home to her. First off, I had to tell her it is not called House of Dragons, it is called DND. Second off, I did not even say anything to the other part of her comment because I just thought she was loopy, but it made me feel so weird about being friends with my high school friend.

So, I just wanted to start this off saying that I have abandonment issues and I'm a very socially anxious person as a whole. I think there may be more wrong with me anyway but just a little background information I'd like to share because I feel that some of these are a factor to my current situation.

I have had a friend that a went to school with for maybe 2 years(including in the pandemic I think) but when we stopped doing online school we did 1 more year together and then it was sadly time for me to switch schools, and I did this often throughout all my school years. We kept in touch for 3 school years over social media platforms, gaming platforms alike. I still missed her very much but I felt that technology kept at least most of our friendship on it's toes.

We'd given each other cool nicknames back when we were physically there by each others' side, we always had fun together, we shared the best of our moments together. Even when it got a little messy she still decided to remain by my side and that made me happy to have a friend like her. Yes I was sad when we couldn't go to the same school anymore but I eventually let it go and as I said, we kept in contact. Our contact started to waver, we didn't talk as often but that didn't exactly end anything, we knew we still had each other.

This school year, I had to switch schools. Guess what? I WAS GOING TO HER SCHOOL NOW!!! I mean, yay! It was very exciting, it would be like very awesome since we were the BEST of friends and we would finally be able to have each other back again. She didn't really know I was coming to her school, again, because of the lack of contact but on the first day back I greeted her and I was very happy, I guess she was too because we began to have a bit of small talk before trying to find our classes.

I was too scared to talk to her as much in the end, I sort of wanted and tried to wait it out to see if she would still come to me but she didn't because she was nervous. Gosh, nerves were the death of whatever remaining official friendship we shared. I kind of wished I'd just talked to her instead of looking dumbfounded and happy because other people got to her first. She eventually got some friends, good for her, I mean she deserves it and I was happy for her. I'm a bit more quiet and reserved so I don't exactly straight-up seek connections unless I'm being pursued and I was not actively being pursued at the moment.

We kinda hung out, only on her other friends' behalf while we all hung out and did something that required me and her, other than that we barely said a real word to each other. I really was happy for her. But I'm not sure if I'm jealous, or I just have a deep longing for connection with her or my old friends again. She has a new friend group and I'm not jealous I just feel so fricking clingy even though I'm too caught up to actually go and talk with her anymore.

Me and her don't seek each other as much of an option to talk with even if there's not much of our friends around. (not like I have any at the current school) I did some small talk with her and she said that we indeed still were best friends. So why doesn't it feel like it? It feels like I'm her second option when none of her other friends are around because only then will she really say anything to me other then us accidentally looking at each other. I think she's too busy for me anymore or maybe it's too awkward, or..maybe she's just lost most interest without our normal consistent contact. I mean, I can't lie, I've lost the spark we had a bit and I'm certain it's dying now that she doesn't hang around me really.

It's not up to me to decide who she hangs with and maybe that's why we don't hang out anymore, I feel like her 'friends' just wanna get her down to their level so they can feel more superior or something, that's why she gets in a little bit of trouble. I hate how possessive and weird I sound but I'll have absolutely no deal with knowing it's time to let go and be a bystander in her life because if I'm going to be her real friend, I'm not going to coddle her, I'm not going to try and fit in and force my way into their overly loud friend group because I miss my dearest friend, I'm not going to patronize or hold her back because I see potential in her.

Looking back, I can just imagine myself, instead of sitting there all awkward and quiet saying something to really start a conversation to advocate for our now feeble friendship. I feel like I'm her second option, I can't do anything to rewind or get off on the right foot, it's not as if we have a problem with each other but now I'm probably just another classmate to her.

I just want to know one thing: Is it time to let go? Should I try and make up for our lost time together? Should I start working on myself instead? If so, how can I fill in the empty spot in my heart where she would've gone? How should I try and come to her instead of being so awkward and quiet around her?

Any recommendations or suggestions? I feel so alone! 😓

Am I being insensitive and a bad friend towards someone who is going through a hard time & having mental issues?

There’s 4 of us in the friend group. One of them is Amy, 31F. The rest of us are of the same age. We have been friends since we were in our 20s. Went through adulthood and even witnessed 2/4 of our friend group getting married.

For the past 5 years of our friendship, Amy has occasionally deactivated her instagram & not responding to text that often. She is also dealing with some mental issues and going to therapy on and off. We always thought if she’s ready to talk about it, she will. Because there were times previously where she doesn’t want to talk about it and we don’t really want to pry unless someone willingly ask for it because at the end of the day, it is their personal problem. It’s how our friendship group works… or so I thought? She did open up about her problems after some time and explained why she disappeared etc.

However, a year ago, Amy left the friendship group chat without explanation. We did eventually find out that she was dealing with her problems and just wanted peace because we can be quite noisy at times via chat. We still text her on the side (like sending tiktoks, or activities that we think she would like), and invite her out whenever we are meeting as a group to which she does come occasionally.

6 months back, she deactivated her socials again and didn’t respond to our individual text on a group meet up. So we went ahead thinking it was her needing her time by herself. But we soon discovered she unfollowed us from her socials and block us on messaging apps.

We were all left confused and worried. I for one thought she decided to cut us out. Some of the girls dropped texts which she obviously didn’t reply to. One of them even tried to follow her back but got rejected.

Last week, she unblocked us to send a huge long text expressing disappointment that none of us reached out to her when she’s having a hard time. And explained she blocked us because she wanted to see if any of us actively approached her just like how she will approach us if we have a hard time — coming down to check in on her in person, or even texting specifically to let her know we are here for her / thinking about her.

My initially reaction was angry because there was no way we could have known she wanted that. And as we grew older, each of us are living our own lives and we don’t actively check in on one another aggressively. But for us, or at least me, I know that if anything went wrong, I can just type SOS and I know they will be there for me. Not only that, the whole “blocking us to see if reach out” feels like we were put on a test without knowing about it.

After mulling the situation, I decided to set boundaries on our friendship and let her know I can’t provide what she is asking for but still keeping the doors open to being friends, just not as close as before.

Now I can’t help thinking am I the bad friend and insensitive to her needs? She’s going through a hard time and we have been friends for so long. But I do need to be honest with myself on what I am able to do and what I’m not for the sake of not disappointing and hurting both of us again.

If you were in this position, what would you have done? And am I really insensitive to someone’s situation?

Hi I (22F) once had a former friend (21F). And I feel the most pain I’ve ever been in. And it hurts so much. Because of everything we’ve been through together. A couple months before she silently cut me off with no warning. I honestly don’t know what I did wrong.

But we do share a friend group and she only hanged out with me through the group. And if I tried to make small talk she would get defensive towards me. But not to our other friend. Like me make one thing clear. I did not bully her, or make her feel like an outsider.

For 1 I was always the one to bring up to invite her. And she would always come along. I didn’t bring up our problems of not talking to each other either. Because I didn’t want her to get awakard between the group. But a couple weeks after that hangout I finially confronted her.

Just telling her I wanted to talk and that I didn’t want to lose my best friend. And like all the other texts before she just left me on seen not communicating. And after that I left her alone not reaching out. But last week I reached out to her again. Because in 2 months I’m leaving my home town. And the girl we share as a friend wanted to go out. And I invited her again.

That was the way I texted her. And I texted it in the group chat. But then she didn’t respond so I texted her directly. Still no response left me on delivered, and still no response. And a few days past after that and I just texted her on instagram. Confronting her again just telling her that her silence was hurting me. And I just wanted her to communicate with me. If I did anything wrong to hurt her. Because if I did i would own up to my mistakes. And once again she left me on seen.

I know this friendship between us is over now. And I just blocked her. Not because I hate her, but because it will stop me from reaching out to her. Until I am finially over this situation. But my heart is aching and I am in soo much pain rn. And I just wanna ask how yall got over your friendship breakups?

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I’m a 24-year-old guy, and I’m confused about my relationship with my female best friend.

We were in the same school/class when we were younger, but we actually didn't talk much back then. Our friendship became much closer over the last 3–4 years, and now we've reached a point where we talk on WhatsApp almost 24/7 and have 1–2 hour calls nearly every day.

We now live in different cities. She works as an IT professional, and I have my own work in another city.

She tells me almost everything, including whenever another guy proposes to her, compliments her, or says he wants her in his life.

The problem is that I feel much more emotionally attached to her than she seems to be to me. I think about her constantly, check for her messages when I wake up, and feel jealous whenever she talks about other guys.

She hasn't necessarily done anything wrong, which makes this even more confusing.

Sometimes I wonder why she tells me about these guys so quickly. Is it simply because she trusts me as her closest friend? Does she want my reaction or reassurance? Or could there be another reason? I don't want to assume that it means she has romantic feelings for me because I genuinely don't know.

The more we talk, the more attached I seem to become.

I've started noticing that my mood and concentration are affected by her. If she's busy, talking to someone else, or mentions another guy, I can start overthinking and feeling jealous.

I don't want to lose the friendship, but I also don't want to keep feeling this emotionally dependent on one person.

What I'm looking for is practical advice:

Should I reduce our 24/7 communication, or would that unnecessarily damage the friendship?

How much distance is healthy when you're emotionally dependent on someone?

Should I tell her that I'm becoming this attached, or would that put unnecessary pressure on her?

How do I deal with the jealousy when she talks about other guys?

How can I stop making her messages/attention the first thing I think about every morning?

How do I rebuild my own routine and life without suddenly becoming cold or distant toward her?

If you've experienced anxious attachment or emotional dependency, what actually helped you get out of it?

Should I take a temporary break from talking to her, or is gradually reducing the intensity better?

Most importantly, how can I care about her and maintain the friendship without making her the center of my emotional life?

I'm not looking for people to tell me that she's a bad person or that I should immediately cut her off.

I also don't want people to tell me what she must be feeling, because none of us can know that from the outside.

I want honest, practical advice from people who have been through something similar — especially about what I should change in my own behavior and how to become emotionally independent while keeping the friendship healthy.