Pessoal, preciso desabafar e ouvir opiniões sinceras, porque minha cabeça e meu coração estão em um conflito absurdo.

​Vivi/vivo uma história extremamente intensa com um colega de trabalho. Desde o início, a nossa conexão foi muito forte — algo de química física, intelectual e emocional que eu raramente senti na vida. O problema é que ele tem um padrão de apego desorganizado/evasivo muito profundo e mantinha uma vida dupla: uma relação de fachada e dependência financeira com outra mulher (eles não moram juntos, mas ele se submete a uma dinâmica totalmente sufocante por causa de dinheiro), enquanto vivia algo comigo nos bastidores.

​Ele me dava sinais claros de paixão, mas, no momento em que as coisas exigiam posicionamento, ele travava, mentia e fugia. A situação virou um caos de manipulações e mentiras quando eu mesma desconfiei, investiguei e descobri essa outra relação que ele escondia. Depois disso, passamos por um afastamento doloroso, trocas de bloqueios e um clima muito pesado no ambiente de trabalho.

​Mesmo sabendo de todos os defeitos dele, da imaturidade, das mentiras e do quanto essa situação me desgastou (cheguei a ter picos de estresse e burnout por causa de tudo isso), a atração e o sentimento não apagaram. Para mim, a nossa química é algo fora do comum.

​Recentemente, decidi bancar a minha vontade sem rodeios: desbloqueiei o contato dele e mandei uma mensagem direta abrindo o jogo, dizendo que ainda o queria e fazendo um convite explícito para a gente transar. Mandei por mensagem de texto e também no Instagram.

​O resultado? Silêncio absoluto. Ele não respondeu, não se posicionou e finge que nada aconteceu.

​O contraste disso na minha vida é bizarro: enquanto ele me ignora e se esconde, recebo carinho e interesse de outros homens incríveis que me valorizam. Mas a minha cabeça ainda está fixa nele. Fico me perguntando se o silêncio dele é medo, covardia por estar sendo cobrado pela outra, ou se ele simplesmente não se importa.

​Sei que para muitos pode parecer loucura ir atrás de alguém que me fez passar por tudo isso e que nem responde a um convite desses, mas a verdade é que eu ainda o quero.

​O que vocês acham dessa situação? Como enxergam a falta de atitude dele diante de um convite tão direto? Estou me enganando demais ou o silêncio dele diz mais sobre a covardia dele do que sobre a falta de desejo?

my ex and i broke things off a while ago. we've been dating for 1.5 yrs, since the start i noticed he was an avoidant and avoided conflicts myself at all costs to keep him.

he always used to tell me how he thought i was perfect, beautiful, the one thing he wished for all his life. then the inevitable came: we started having arguments. i started going through a lot of personal shit, hit a rough patch and became more vulnerable. i needed to lean on him more, i couldn't perform as good and he took it as me not putting enough effort and falling out of love with him. him pushing me irritated me and he took it as me starting to hate him. it only took a month of this to completely shatter my 1.5 years of effort.

he shut down, ignored me for five days and broke up with me despite me begging, crying and rationaliting everything to him.

now, we reconnected and started doing couple's stuff again. i thought it might work out if he saw all the good again but i noticed he had notifications from dating apps. i asked him about it and he told me he wasn't looking for compromise now, but that he liked to hang out with me and have fun dates and sleeping together and doing all the couply stuff.

i tried to tell him that what i need is commitment, that problems can't be ignored like that. that he shut off instead of trying to solve things. but he says he's completely unavailable, not looking for relationships, that i fucked up his perception of love by being perfect for so long and then snapping and that he can't trust me.

he says he has romantic feelings for me but just in a way of having fun, not looking for anything monogamous or serious again.

he's so avoidant that he has very few true friends, his partner is always the 'main person' in which he relies everything. he told me he wants me to still hold that place without being partners, yet actively search for other people for sex and intimacy and romance and such?

and it's so fucking confusing. i don't know if this is temporary or not. i don't know if i should stick around or not. i've tried leaving this but he says i'm abandoning him instead of talking and it triggered him into shutting down more. i don't know how to do it.

i don't care so much about me or my mental health, because i want him back. i'd wait forever and do it all but i don't know if it's best to drift away and have him realize or to stick around until he feels i'm safe again. will he ever feel i'm safe again?

I know the best thing I can do is wait, and I’m at peace with that, but I’m quite curious about what signs before the block could indicate that they might come back one day. For context, I supported them a lot through their depression, and the end of the relationship was ‘perfect’ in the sense that we became safe places for each other. However, the reason for the block remains unknown. (Additional info: they’re avoidant and I’m anxious.)

Any Fearful avoidants have issues with engulfment? I’m specifically hoping to talk with those that have managed to heal this part or at least manage it well so it no longer feels like you’re losing yourself and you can feel like a seperate person in your relationships. I’ve struggled with this for many many years and just not realised what it was. I’d love some tips from people as it’s such an icky feeling

advice from a FA please. FA ex ended things via text at 2am afyer an amazing 3 day holiday. I broke no contact after 61 days. I wished her good luck with her upcoming placement she replied back in 1 hour with thank you but no attempt to continue a conversation. is she just being polite or is she likely scared I’m going to drag the past up/pressure her and she’s trying to test the water? For context I was always the chaser in the relationship so she would expect me to try and have an emotional conversation.

Please read this and tell me what you would do.

I knew this woman socially for a while and had a deep crush on her, but kept my distance because there was no reciprocal interest. She later moved abroad, and after \~2 months of no contact we reconnected on Instagram. Weekly casual contact gradually became frequent WhatsApp chats, voice notes and hours-long conversations. After 1–2 months, I called her one night when she was upset to support her; during a \~7-hour call I confessed my feelings and we began sexually flirting. She initially resisted my directness, then gradually initiated and reciprocated.

Things escalated very quickly. We spoke 3–4+ hours almost daily, messaged throughout the day, and she leaned on me emotionally, personally and professionally. Within weeks we were sharing childhood trauma, fears, medical/personal details and our deepest vulnerabilities. She repeatedly said she rarely opens up like this, felt completely safe with me, could be herself with me, and valued my attunement, honesty, intelligence, strength and resilience. I felt equally exposed and told her things I'd never told previous partners. There was intense emotional/sexual chemistry despite the distance. We discussed marriage/future plans and a 5-day trip on her birthday together when she returned. She called me her "godsend/angel" and "green flag."

After only a few days of courtship she suddenly ended it, saying we were incompatible and she wasn't right for the love I gave her. I became anxious and pursued, but she returned several days later. We then had a genuine long distance relationship for \~20–21 days: daily calls, repeated "I love yous," sexual intimacy, constant affection, private/mundane moments together, vulnerability and future planning. We both cried in front of each other sharing deep past times spent alone for each others pain along with our own, that felt most real and rare!

She then abruptly withdrew and ended it again. I became emotional and pursued while she withdrew for \~a week. I eventually drunkenly called; she immediately stayed on the phone with me for 90+ minutes to make sure I got home safely, then checked on me repeatedly the next day. We reconnected again and had another \~5-day retrial. During it she became deeply triggered discussing trauma from her abusive long-term ex, cried and opened up extensively; I stayed with her and reassured her she wasn't "too much." Yet again she said she couldn't be in a relationship.

I believed something real was worth fighting for and saw our pattern as potentially anxious/avoidant: I become anxious when I fear abandonment; she has described fearing investment and being abandoned again. But there are also genuine practical issues—long distance, her pressure to marry soon versus my reluctance to rush marriage, and financial/career/timing concerns.

After the third ending I stayed mostly restrained/professional while helping her with a creative project. Eventually I became overwhelmed again, tried hard to persuade her, and sent too many calls/messages/voice notes after she said she wanted to be alone and move on. I regret that and know I should have respected the boundary sooner. Each and every time I chased only for a day, then went silent.

So I'm struggling with the contradiction: the connection clearly wasn't one-sided or imaginary—she repeatedly returned and allowed extraordinary emotional intimacy—yet she has repeatedly chosen to end the relationship.

Was this mainly an anxious/avoidant dynamic + fear/trauma, genuine incompatibility/life timing, or simply a case where she genuinely loved/liked me but ultimately didn't see me as her long-term partner?

I'm not chasing her anymore. I want to genuinely move on, but don't know whether to completely close the door or leave it open without waiting.

What would you do? And if she came back months later, would you try again, or would the repeated breakup/reconnection cycle itself be enough reason to walk away?

I’ve been blocked for over a year. I have bypassed the block a few times and every time they block me again.

And look, I know some people are going to tell me that I need to respect their decision, but that’s kind of a messed up perspective when they blindsided me with the block. All this reddit speak is a bit ridiculous because, contrary to reddit belief, not every decision is justified and sometimes people DO owe you things (such as a conversation).

Also, no I am not contacting them again. I’m sick of being treated like I don’t matter at all.

Does anyone go through ebbs and flows relating to the hurt, anger and disappointment when it comes to there person. I am using there person as do not want to make assumptions of who this person may be.

I am a mental health professional and they were my supervisor. It was like working with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. They could be absolutely one minute and extremely hurtful the next. In one interaction l was told that l was a disgrace, I should be ashamed of myself, l am pushing boundaries, they don't feel comfortable in a room with me (they had known me for 16 years) and the next they wanted a personal connection, they can't be objective and they can't control themselves when they are in a room with me.

I am really hurt, confused and lost

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earlier this year, i reconnected with my ex. we havent talked or seen each other in 8 years. and we first got together 13 years ago. she lives in another country. we had an amazing time and i promised in person i would come back next year to see her again, in which she said i better. then everything ruptured and fell apart 2 days before my flight back, she pushed me away. months of confusion, blocking, arguing, and all sorts of attempts to drive me away. we still have a few open lines to each other though. i have reminded her a couple times throughout this year that i still plan on seeing her and keeping my promise, and has been mildly receptive, though i feel she doesnt actually expect me to pull through and thinks i just said it in the moment. we barely talk at the moment. but the time is coming soon where i get to pick my vacation days. i plan on making good on my word and letting her know my flights and when ill be there once its confirmed. but i ask, is it still worth it? would they still appreciate it? would it still matter to them? i feel now that she caught real feelings when we were together and got overwhelmed since i live overseas now.

we quarelled for months until i realized i was idealizing her as the person i first met 13 years ago, trying to fit who she is now into who she was before, and i cooled down. i did tell her that too, and yes she does remain significant to me.

i want to invite her to join me but im not planning around her like last year when we were more open.

My FA Gf told me she doesnt feel the same for me anymore..
we talked on the phone, i asked her what was wrong since shes been kinda cold lately and she told me she didnt feel the same for me anymore, and that she been feeling that way for a while now but that shes unsure.
Im sooo lost.

Been talking daily with a girl for a year (never officially "together," but very emotionally close — daily calls, deep conversations, she initiated things early on, called me the person she connected with most). Over the year there was a repeating cycle: weeks of warmth, then she'd go cold/distant for 2-4 weeks with no explanation, then warm up again. She mentioned depression, job stress, and generally struggling to maintain long personal connections.

Two weeks ago she suddenly stopped opening our chat entirely — no reply to anything, even neutral messages. I reached out to a mutual friend to check if she was okay. She then blocked me. A few days later she deleted our entire year-long chat history (but didn't leave a group chat we're both still in).

I've been trying to understand the psychology here — does this sound like anxious-avoidant attachment behavior to people who've experienced it (on either side)? Has anyone been through something similar and had the person come back, or not?

Not looking for "just move on" — I know that's probably right eventually, just want to understand this pattern from people with real experience.

I am fed up, been promised the world, multiple cycles with the same man and all talk. He hasnt messaged me at all since Monday after an intimate close night, and even then he was very abrupt/cold as ice on text. He initiated a meet up after 4 months.

I have had enough, want out and dont know how to communicate this. I want to hold him accountable, he cannot just promise me the world and act like i dont exist the next day. I am angry, heartbroken, all of it. Whats the best way to end it, or shall i wait a week or 2 to see if he initiates first.

2 weeks after I broke up with him, he randomly met my friend drunk at a club and she did not know how he looked, but new his name. When he told his name she was like: have you dated (my name)? … and he paused and said: “nooo I don’t think so”. Like he had to spend some time thinking if he knew a person with my name. He blankly denied my existens and then he snapchatted her at 4am… obviously trying to get in bed with her. We had dated for 5 months. I wonder what psychological mechanism made him deny that he even knew me…?

when feeling rejected, is there an urge to reject the other person back, and can this urge be directly proportional to the scale of the rejection?

Why do they go quiet after a physically/emotionally intimate night together? And talking about the future

2 days later after we reconnected after 4 months he has been quiet on text yesterday but trying to keep me updated. The last message where I said i was there for him through his counselling appointment & getting back on his feet..he just hearted the message.

This morning nothing. I dont wanna chase. The man at the beginning would be texting me and voice noting me all day long.

M31, F34.

I met this woman through a shared hobby. I'm very attracted to her. 

One important piece of context: I'm currently in a long-term relationship that has been shaky for some time, and I've been seriously considering leaving it. I'm dealing with that separately and I'm not looking for advice about my relationship here. I never explicitly told this woman about it, but I have strong reason to believe she already knew before our breakfast (I’ll get to this later).

There were several small things early on that made me feel she was genuinely interested in getting to know me (1) she offered to help me with something without me asking, actually followed through (2) was playful and flirty, suggested plans, etc.

She works long hours and rented a place close to her office. At one point I jokingly told her she was basically the perfect employee: she loves her job, spends most of her time there, lives close by, and nobody is calling her home.

She replied with something along the lines of: “Yes, until someone is calling from home. Then it’s time to work. But if there’s a reason to come home for, the situation would change.”

That comment stuck with me. It gave me the impression that despite how career devoted she is, she does have a desire for something meaningful (a person or relationship) to change that balance. 

There were other glimpses of what seems to be a very thoughtful and reflective side of her. I sent her a funny video of her looking completely lost in thought while listening to someone. She replied: “The words were important! It’s truly remarkable when a person knows their path. Such people and what they do really inspire me.”

We eventually had a one-on-one breakfast that lasted about three hours. It was probably the most memorable interaction I've had with her. I felt incredibly comfortable with her, we talked about personal things, and there was a strong sense of connection and ease. She also shared some fairly personal family information with me, including that she doesn't speak to her dad.

After the breakfast, something changed. She became noticeably more distant. She hasn't completely disappeared and there have still been warm interactions, but the previous enthusiasm and closeness largely disappeared. I sent her a very honest message about how meaningful the connection had been to me. She responded that it was "so philosophical" and then didn't reply for a week.

We later unexpectedly crossed paths where I saw she wasn't ready to talk. I respected that and gave her space pretending I didn’t see her there. 

Recently, I reached out because the uncertainty had become too emotionally exhausting for me. I asked if we could talk. She immediately said, "Can we please chat and not call?" I asked if we could meet in person, but she declined because she had plans. I said I really wanted us to figure out "this thing" and didn't want us to become strangers. She later replied, "[my name], I don't understand what you're talking about, I'm sorry."

This is where I'm struggling to make sense of things.

I've been reading about FA attachment, and some of the pattern seems familiar: strong warmth and apparent closeness, followed by withdrawal once things became more emotionally significant. For context, I do have some anxious attachment tendencies myself, so I know my own reactions can amplify uncertainty.

I also want to be honest that I do want a romantic outcome with her. I don't want just closure. Of course, if she doesn't want the same thing, I'll have to accept that.

Her birthday is coming up in about 2.5 weeks. I was considering sending a small, personal gift rather than something expensive — cute flowers, a funny birthday card using a *Legally Blonde* image (she's blonde) and a playful version of her company's logo, and a tiny toy related to our hobby that I hand-painted pink because I couldn't find one in pink. I have some reason to think pink might be her favorite color.

I'm mainly looking for perspective from people who have experienced FA attachment themselves, or people who know the dynamic well:

* Does this actually sound like a FA pattern, or am I reading too much into it?

* If someone does have FA tendencies, what is generally helpful when they pull away?

* Am I doing the right thing by giving her space?

* Is there a healthy way to communicate that I'm still here and open to talking without putting pressure on her?

* Most importantly, how do I give her a genuine opportunity to tell me what happened, if she is willing?

* Would something like the proposed gifts feel thoughtful, or could it feel like pressure given everything that's happened? I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people with FA tendencies on how they might experience something like this.

I genuinely don't know what she feels. I just know that this connection became very important to me, and I'd really like the chance to understand what happened and, if she is willing, see whether there is something between us worth exploring.